On this, the final day of our annual Horrorthon, we offer you a final Horror on TV entry.
In this episode of Highway to Heaven, angel Jonathan Smith (Michael Landon) tries to defeat the devil for the soul of his friend Mark (Victor French). This episode, a true Halloween episode, originally aired on October 30th, 1985, and it features guest turns from Anthony Zerbe and the great Michael Berryman.
We hope you have had a happy Halloween!
In 1977’s The Fifth Floor, Dianne Hull plays Kelly McIntyre.
Kelly is a college student by day and a disco dancer by night! Unfortunately, after someone spikes her drink at the discotheque and she suffers an overdose, she becomes a full-time patient at a mental asylum. Neither the head doctor (Mel Ferrer) nor the head nurse (Julia Adams, who once swam with The Creature From The Black Lagoon) believes her claim that her drink was spiked. Judged to be suicidal and delusional, Kelly is sent to the Fifth Floor!
While her boyfriend (John David Carson) tries to convince the authorities that she’s not insane, Kelly adjusts to life on the Fifth Floor. She befriend Cathy (Patti D’Arbanville). She encourages her fellow patients to dance and enjoy themselves. She tries to escape on multiple occasions. She draws the unwanted attention of a male orderly named Carl (Bo Hopkins, giving a wonderfully sinister performance). A sadist equipped with down-home country charm, Carl has got all of his co-workers convinced that he’s a great guy. The patients, though, know that Carl is a petty authoritarian who enjoys showing off his power. (“I’m just doing my job,” is the excuse whenever he’s challenged.) Carl takes an obsessive interest in Kelly and soon, Kelly is not only trying to get her life back but also trying to escape from Carl’s cruel intentions.
Most film directories list The Fifth Floor as being a horror film and certainly, there are elements of the horror genre to be found in the film. The smooth-talking and nonchalantly cruel Carl is certainly a horrific character and Kelly’s attempts to escape from the asylum capture the very primal fear of not having any control over one’s life. That said, The Fifth Floor owes greater debt to One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest than to the typical slasher film. Kelly is a rebel who brings the patients in the ward together. Much as in Cuckoo’s Nest, the nurses and the orderlies use the threat of electro-shock treatment to keep the patients under control.
It’s not a bad film, though it definitely has its slow spots and I do wish the film had embraced its own sordidness with a bit more style. I’m a history nerd so I appreciated the fact that The Fifth Floor was so obviously a product of its time. Any film that features the heroine showing off her disco moves before being taken to a mental hospital is going to hold my interest. That said, the most interesting thing about the film are some of the familiar faces in the cast. For instance, Earl Boen — who played so many authority figures over the course of his career and appeared as a psychiatrist in the early Terminator films — plays a patient who wears a NASA jacket. The always intimidating Anthony James plays the most violent patient. Michael Berryman and Tracey Walter appear as background patients.
And then you’ve got Robert Englund, cast here as Benny. Benny is the most gentle of the patients, a prankster who befriends Kelly. It’s always so interesting to see the type of roles that Englund played before he was cast as Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare On Elm Street. In this film, Englund is so goofy and friendly that you actually find yourself worrying about something happening to him. Englund’s role is small but his amiable nerdiness definitely makes an impression.
The Fifth Floor opens and ends with a title card telling us that the film is based on a true story. Sure, it was.
Since we’ve been talking about werewolves today, I decided to take a one-night break from Hammer House of Horror and share this Halloween-themed episode of Highway to Heaven. Michael Landon recreates his role as the Teenage Werewolf and scares Mark half to death. He also helps a kid play some tricks and get some treats.
This originally aired on October 28th, 1987. The series was a bit silly but this episode is kind of fun. Keep an eye out for Michael Berryman!
In a magical land of dragons and fierce warriors, the evil sorcerer Kadar (Richard Lynch) attacks a peaceful group of traveling entertainers, slaughtering the majority of them and kidnapping their queen, Canary (Virginia Bryant). Canary has a magical ruby that Kadar hopes will increase his power. Canary also has two sons who are each sold separately into slavery. Years later, these muscle-bound twins, Kutchek (Peter Paul) and Gore (David Paul), will be reunited and will team up to save their mother, fight a dragon, and free the kingdom from Kadar.
An Italian-American co-production that was directed by Ruggero Deodato and distributed by Cannon, The Barbarians was a starring vehicle for the so-called Barbarian Brothers. Peter and David Paul were twin bodybuilders who appeared in a handful of films and who are today best-known for getting cut out of Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers. (In his director’s commentary, when explaining why their scene didn’t work, Stone said, “It was my fault.”) Peter and David Paul were not natural-born actors. They’re both pretty stiff in The Barbarians but their natural chemistry as brothers made up for a lot. They spend most of their screentime in The Barbarians bickering and yelling at each other and you get the feeling that was something they had a lot of experience with.
The Barbarians starts slow. It takes a while to get going and the plot has the ramshackle feel of many Cannon productions. Richard Lynch, as always, is a great villain and familiar faces like Michael Berryman and George Eastman have small roles. Trying to keep track of who is betraying who can require keeping a scorecard while watching the movie but The Barbarians does a good job of creating its fantasy world (and it looks really good for a film that was probably not made for much money) and once the action finally does get started, there’s enough of it to keep things entertaining. The Barbarians battle not only Kadar’s sorcery but a dragon as well and they do it all while trash talking each other. The film feels like a cross between Dungeons and Dragons and a regional wrestling production. It’s entertainingly dumb.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
This week, Coach Denardo has a bad dream and put the future of the Bulls in jeopardy.
Episode 1.7 “Uneasy Lies The Head”
(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on January 6th, 1985)
After having a nightmare in which the members of the Bulls all appear as parts of his failing body and a demonic linebacker (Donald Gibb) and a saintly quarterback (Jeff East) tell him that he has to decide whether he wants to go to Heaven or Hell, Coach Denardo fears that his time is up.
At the next game, Denardo is distracted. He calls the last time out, not realizing that he doesn’t have any left. The clocks runs out while the Bulls are trying to get set up for field goal. “Time out! Time out!” Denardo yells. “You have no time left, coach,” the referee replies, which is maybe not the best way to speak to a man recovering from a heart attack. As for the game, it’s a humiliating loss. Denardo says that he might have to retire….
Yeah, that sounds about right. I don’t know much about football but I can tell that Denardo made a lot of mistakes in the course of just two minutes. Get that old man out there! Heck, just let Diane coach like she did last week….
Diane decides to trick Denardo into staying. She rolls a really old computer out during practice and lets it call the plays. Denardo gets angry. No machine is going to replace Ernie Denardo!
Meanwhile, Bubba (Prince Hughes) upsets his mother-in-law.
Seriously, that’s the entire episode. That’s all that happens. I know it doesn’t sound like much but what can I tell you? I sat through this and spent the whole time wondering when the episode’s actual story was going to start and it really didn’t. Denardo had a bad dream. Bubba upset his mother-in-law. That’s it.
This episode was forgettable. Diane should have fired Denardo after that loss. I fear the Bulls aren’t going to make it to whatever this show’s version of the Super Bowl is.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!
This week, it’s Halloween!
Episode 4.5 “I Was A Middle-Aged Werewolf”
(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on October 28th, 1987)
This was a cute episode and one that I had actually seen before. My friend Mark recommended it to me three years ago, during an October in which I was looking for a little something to add to Horrorthon.
The Devil (Michael Berryman) makes his second appearance on the show, this time selling Mark a submarine sandwich on Halloween night. Mark eats the sandwich while watching I Was A Teenage Werewolf on television. (“Hey, this guy kind of looks like you!” he tells Jonathan. Michael Landon, of course, starred in I Was A Teenage Werewolf.) Mark is then haunted by nightmares in which Jonathan turns into a werewolf. (And yes, Landon is made up to look like he did in the film.)
Meanwhile, in the waking world, Jonathan helps a lost trick-or-treater go home and he briefly turns into a werewolf so that he can scare the kid’s mean older sister. I’m not really sure what the rules were about angels pulling Halloween pranks but it should be noted that Jonathan is actually a fairly nice werewolf and he allows the kid to be a hero by pretending to be scared of him.
The episode ends with Mark once again yelling in fear as Jonathan turns into a werewolf, just for Michael Landon to look straight at the camera, break character, and say, “Happy Halloween.”
Awwww, what a sweet episode!
After a few weak and heavy-handed episodes, it was nice to see Highway to Heaven return to its earnest roots. This was a likable episode, one that showed that Landon was willing to laugh at himself and one that, to me, seemed to indicate a genuine love for the Halloween holidau. This was a fun 60 minutes and watching it has left me even more eager about the approaching horrorthon season.
We’re the Millers
They turned us into killers….
Yeah, whatever, dude. Seriously, how am I supposed to take seriously a film that features several scenes of people singing that song?
2024’s They Turned Us Into Killers is a film about vigilante justice. After her boyfriend gets her addicted to drugs and then rapes her with his brothers, Karma (Lauren Francesca) kills herself. Fortunately, she leaves behind an extremely long and detailed suicide note that allows her best friend Star (Scout Taylor-Compton) to know that she needs to track down and kill BJ (Bryce Draper) and his moronic brothers. Star recruits Zion (Brian Anthony Williams) to help her, because Zion’s mother was raped and murdered by BJ’s father (Kane Hodder). Zion later got revenge on BJ’s father and now, he’s going to help Star get revenge on BJ.
So, here’s the thing. This story actually had potential. Seriously, who doesn’t want to watch a bunch of rapists get tortured for their crimes? Unfortunately, the film’s execution is an absolute mess. This is one of those films that jumps around in time, so you’re never quite sure if you’re watching something that’s happening in the film’s present or if you’re watching yet another flashback. One gets the feeling that this was done to try to disguise just how simplistic the film’s story actually is but the end result is more likely to induce a headache than anything else. The film pretty much begins with Star explaining that Karma get hooked on drugs and killed herself. Therefore, there’s nothing really to be gained by then segueing into a lengthy flashback of Karma doing what we just heard that she did. We already know what happened to Karma. Flashbacks are only necessary if they add something new to the story. When all they do is show us what we already know, they feel more like padding. In this case, it feels like rather exploitive padding.
The film is more of a vigilante film than a true horror film. That said, horror icons like Kane Hodder, Bill Moseley, and Michael Berryman all make brief appearances and the scenes where Star stalks her victims definitely owe a bit to the old school slasher films. When the film isn’t busy with the flashbacks, it’s largely made up of scenes of Star taunting her victims while they’re tied down to a table. The torture scenes tend to go on forever, to the point where they again feel more like padding than anything else. And while the film’s victims certainly deserve their fate, Star isn’t particularly likable either. Perhaps if Karma had been her sister, I would have had more sympathy for her. Instead, Karma is just a friend to whom Star wasn’t even close enough to know that she was struggling until she committed suicide.
(On another note, naming the character Karma is way too cutesy. Sorry, movie.)
Vigilante films are always a bit of a mixed bag. Charles Bronson was an effective vigilante, usually because he was trying to either protect or avenge his family. Clint Eastwood was an effective vigilante because most of his vigilante films took place in the old west, at a time when people really had no choice but to take the law into their own hands. I will always cheer Camille Keaton getting revenge on those four rednecks in the original I Spit On Your Gave and yes, that includes that dumbass Matthew. I think the lesson here is that it takes a star with a lot of screen presence and a director who knows how to properly pace a film to make a vigilante film work. They Turned Us Into Killers …. well, it just doesn’t work.
It’s the future and society has collapsed. America is now controlled by the evil Commander Eastern (Richard Lynch) who, with the help of a propagandist known as Big Sister and a paramilitary leader named Oliver Queen (John Saxon), rules with an iron hand. Colonel Slater (Christopher Mitchum) is the leader of the revolution that threaten to overthrow Eastern’s regime.
Two revolutionaries, Wille (Jay Roberts, Jr.) and Danny (Chuck Jeffreys), are stuck in one of Eastern’s prison. Every day, they fight for their lives and they wait for a chance to escape. That chances come in the form of Sabrina (the beautiful Elizabeth Kaitan), an alien who lands on our planet under the mistaken assumption that Earth is an utopia.
When Sabrina, Willie, and Danny finally manage to escape, they have to make it to Slater’s headquarters while avoiding the bounty hunter (Chris DeRose) who Queen has been sent to capture them.
A fairly standard rip-off of the Mad Max films, the most interesting thing about Aftershock is the cast. I already mentioned Mitchum, Saxon, Lynch, and Elizabeth Kaitan but there are also appearances from Russ Tamblyn, Michael Berryman, Matthias Hues, and Deanna Oliver. For a movie that looks cheap and doesn’t really bring anything new to the postapocalyptic genre, there are a lot of very talented people in this movie. (Even talented people have to pay the bills.) Most of them are only on for a few minutes. The instantly forgettable Jay Roberts, Jr. and Chuck Jeffreys are the actual stars here. Jeffreys was a stunt man who was famous for his resemblance to Eddie Murphy. He looks good in the action scenes but otherwise, he and Roberts don’t make much of an impression.
At least Elizabeth Kaitan gets a decent amount of screentime. Kaitan appeared in a lot of movies in the 80s and 90s. None of the movies were very good. She got stuck with roles like the girlfriend in Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2 and a victim in Friday The 13th Part VII. Kaitan got roles primarily because she was beautiful but she had a likable screen presence and more than a little talent. In Aftershock, she gives a convincing performance as a stranger in a strange land, one who has her own eccentric way of viewing things. Her performance is the best thing about Aftershock and the main reason to watch.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!
This week …. it’s Halloween!
Episode 2.5 “The Devil and Jonathan Smith”
(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on October 30th, 1985)
It’s Halloween and Mark Gordon has got himself in some trouble.
Left alone while Jonathan helps a guy learn that gambling is never a good idea, Mark accidentally runs over a kid. The child is taken to the hospital in critical condition. Though Mark is told that the accident was not his fault, he still feels guilty and remarks to one doctor (Anthony Zerbe) that he would even give up his own soul for the child to get better. And wouldn’t you know yet — suddenly, the child gets better!
It turns out that the doctor wasn’t a doctor at all. He was Jabez Stone, a bookstore owner who works for the Devil (played, with two horns on his head, by Michael Berryman). Jabez explains that unless Mark holds up his end of the bargain, the child will die. He gives Mark a contract to sign, stating that he will give his soul to the Devil at the end of Halloween. Without Jonathan around to advise him, Mark signs the contract.
When Jonathan does finally return from his mission, he’s not happy to hear about what Mark has done. Jonathan explains that he can’t just order Jabez to destroy the contract. Instead, he’s going to have to somehow convince Jabez to give him the contract. In short, Jonathan is going to have to pull a con job. Since he’s an angel, Jonathan is not allowed to lie or steal. But there is a con artist named CJ Barabbas (Conrad Janis) who might be willing to help.
Or, CJ might be planning on tricking Jonathan into surrendering his own soul to Devil! As CJ tells Jabez, he would be willing to do anything to make sure he got a cushy office job if he should happen to end up in Hell. Is CJ planning on betraying Jonathan or is it just another part of the con?
Well, you can guess the answer. We’re only in the second season of a five-season show and, if Jonathan lost his soul, that would make the rest of the series kind of awkward. There’s never any doubt that CJ is playing a long con on Jabez and the Devil and it’s actually pretty easy to guess just how exactly he’s going to pull it off. This isn’t The Sting. It’s Highway to Heaven.
That said, this was a fun episode. Michael Berryman and Anthony Zerbe both seemed to be having a ball playing such cartoonishly evil characters and Conrad Janis was actually rather charming in the role of CJ Barabbas. Season 2 has gotten off to an uneven start but this episode was both humorous and, in its way, kind of touching. Landon and French were close friends in real life and that friendship comes through as Jonathan tries to keep Mark from spending an eternity in Hell.
Next week, Jonathan teaches a bunch of factory workers a lesson about pollution!
Ed Gein was a farmer who lived in Plainfield, Wisconsin in the 1950s. Everyone in town agreed that Ed was a bit of an eccentric. He had been something of a recluse ever since the death of his mother in 1945. Having never married, he spent most of his time on his farmhouse, where he had a collection of pulp magazines and literature about Nazi war crimes. Ed supported himself by doing odd jobs around town. He was quiet and a little weird but he was considered to be harmless enough.
Or, at least, he was until November of 1957.
That was when Bernice Worden, the owner of the local hardware store disappeared. Her son told the police that Ed Gein has been the last person to talk to her the night before she disappeared and that Gein had specifically said that he would return to the store the next morning. When the police searched Gein’s property, they discovered that Gein’s house was full of body parts. Among other things, they found several skulls, a trash can made out of human skin, bowls made out of skulls, leggings made out of skin taken from human legs, nine vulvae in a shoe box, four noses, masks made from the skin taken from human heads, a corset made out of human skin, a pair of lips on a window shade drawstring, and the bodies of Bernie Worden and tavern owner Mary Hogan. The police who discovered Gein’s home were reported to have been haunted by nightmares for years afterwards. The officer who interrogated Gein later died of heart failure when he was informed that he was going to have to testify at Gein’s trial and relive the experience of hearing Gein’s story.
Gein confessed that he had started digging up graves after the death of his mother, collecting recently deceased women who he thought resembled her. Gein also confessed to murdering both Bernie Worden and Mary Hogan, though most observers felt that Gein had killed many more. Judged to be legally insane, Gein spent the rest of his life in a mental hospital, where he was said to be a polite and friendly patient. He died of cancer in 1984.
The story of Ed Gein has inspired many writers and filmmakers. Psycho was inspired by Gein’s crime, with the book’s version of Norman having far more in common with the real Gein. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s house of horrors was also inspired by Gein and so was The Silence of the Lambs‘s Buffalo Bill. The 1974 film, Deranged, featured Roberts Blossom in the role of Ed Gein, whose name was changed to Ezra Cobb.
In 2007’s Ed Gein: The Butcher of Plainfield, Kane Hodder plays Ed Gein. Best-known for playing Jason Voorhees in several Friday the 13th films (and for providing a great DVD commentary for Friday the 13th Part VII: New Blood), Hodder plays Gein as being a hulking and awkward farmer who, after losing his mother, comes to believe that death is the only thing that’s real in life. With his friend Jack (Michael Berryman), Gein digs up bodies from the local graveyard. When Jack finally says that he’s tired of digging up bodies and that he thinks Gein needs to get professional help, Gein responds by murdering Jack and dragging the body behind his pickup truck. Interestingly enough, Gein drives by Deputy Bobby Mason (Shawn Hoffman) who doesn’t even notice the body being dragged because he’s too busy fooling around with his girlfriend, Erica (Adrienne Frantz).
Bobby, in short, is a bit of a dumbass and that’s unfortunate for the people of Plainfield because Ed Gein is about to go on a rampage. First, he abducts the owner of the local tavern. Then, he abducts Bobby’s own mother, Vera (Priscilla Barnes)! And, to top it all off, he abducts Erica just a few hours later. This leads to a lot of scenes of Bobby running around, searching for his mother and then his girlfriend and managing to screw up just about everything that he attempts to do. Bobby being a total idiot wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that Bobby is also supposed to be the hero of our story.
Ed Gein: The Butcher of Plainfield features a lot of gore and discarded body parts, to the such an extent that I had to actually look away from the screen more than a few times. That said, the story itself is only loosely based on the facts of the case. (For instance, Ed Gein never kidnapped the girlfriend of a deputy and instead, he reportedly never even tried to flee once it became obvious that the police were on to him.) The film is so haphazardly edited that it’s often difficult to keep track of how many days or night have passed from one scene to another and there’s quite a few scenes that feel as if they’ve been included to pad out the running time. That said, Kane Hodder gives a good performance as this film’s version of Ed Gein, proving that he can be just as intimidating when wearing a mask of human skin as when wearing a hockey mask.
Through the Shattered Lens 