Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #1: Unwanted Guest (dir by Fred Olen Ray)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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The first film that I watched in my latest quest to clean out my DVR was Unwanted Guest, a Lifetime film that I recorded off of the Lifetime Movie Network on October 22nd.

Unwanted Guest tells a familiar Lifetime story.  A seemingly innocent and deceptively mousey college student, Amy (Kate Mansi), is invited to spend the holiday break at the home of her best friend, Christine (Valentina Novakovic).  It seems like a nice thing to do, right?  After all, Amy says that her family is in Europe and Christine is still struggling to adjust to having a new stepfather.  Amy gets a place to stay and Christine gets a friend.  It’s a win win, right?

Well, no, not quite.

When we first meet Amy, she’s wearing glasses, no makeup, and seems to be kind of meek.  It doesn’t take a psychic to know that Amy will soon take off her glasses, let down her hair, and start wandering around in lingerie.  However, even beyond that, Amy is soon drugging Christine, tricking Christine’s mother into falling off a stool, and seducing Christine’s stepfather.

(When he asks her why she’s wandering around the house in just a t-shirt, Amy replies, “If my shirt bothers you, I can take it off.”)

Of course, Amy’s not just manipulative.  She’s also a murderer.  In fact, it’s surprising the amount of people that she kills over the course of one holiday break.  I always find it kind of odd how skilled people in Lifetime movies are when it comes to killing people.  I mean, Amy even knows how to disable the brakes on someone’s car!  I wouldn’t even know where to begin!  I mean, how do you learn stuff like that?  Wikipedia, I guess.

Of course, Amy doesn’t just kill people.  There’s also a really icky scene where she kills a hamster.  If you didn’t already dislike Amy, you will after the hamster scene.

Unwanted Guest is not just a Lifetime film.  It’s also a Fred Olen Ray film and, even by his standards, it’s deliriously and wonderfully over-the-top.  One thing that I always like about Fred Olen Ray’s films is that they make no excuses for what they are.  Unwanted Guest is so unapologetically melodramatic and joyfully tawdry that it’s impossible not to enjoy it.  This is one of those films that you watch and you think, “Surely, they’re not going to go there…” and then, suddenly and without apology, they do!  It’s a lot of fun.

Add to that, Kate Mansi does a really good job in the role of Amy.  If there’s a Hall of Fame for Lifetime movie psychos, Amy deserves to be included!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #159: Best-Selling Murder (dir by Michel Poulette)


Last night, after I watched Little Girl’s Secret, I turned over to the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched Best-Selling Murder!

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Why Was I Watching It?

The obvious answer, of course, is that it was a Lifetime premiere and y’all know how much I love my Lifetime movies!  But, even beyond that, there were two reasons why I made it a point to watch Best-Selling Murder.

1) Much as with Little Girl’s Secret, I was hoping that — by watching and live tweeting Best-Selling Murder — I could bring some joy to an otherwise depressed world.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get much live tweeting done because it was late and I was kinda tired.

2) It was a murder mystery about a writer!  I’m a writer and I’d love to solve a real-life murder mystery!  Obviously, this would be a movie to which I would be able to relate.

What Was It About?

Hannah (Vanessa Ray) is an acclaimed author who has run out of ideas.  Actually, not only has she run out of ideas, but she’s also now on the verge of running out of opportunities.  Her publisher is dropping her.  As they explain it, awards and accolades don’t mean anything.  People wants novels about teenage vampires and middle-aged bondage.

Of course, that’s not all Hannah has to worry about.  Her creep of an ex-husband has married and impregnated her former best friend.  She has not one but two stalkers following her around.  And she also appears to have something of a drinking problem!

However, things start to look up after she starts to channel her rage into a serialized series of stories, all of which deal with a serial killer named Bloody Mary.  If you betray Bloody Mary, you get stabbed in the heart…

Suddenly, people who have betrayed Hannah start to turn up dead.  And guess what?  They’ve all been stabbed in the heart!

What Worked?

Everything worked!  Pulpy, melodramatic, and occasionally a little silly, this movie was the epitome of everything that makes Lifetime great.  Don’t worry about whether or not the plot makes any sense.  Don’t worry if some of the twists come out of nowhere.  Instead, just enjoy the ride.

Vanessa Ray was well-cast as Hannah.  Not only was she a sympathetic protagonist but you also actually believed that she capable of being a somewhat respected author.  I’m always extremely sensitive to how writers are portrayed in the movies.  Vanessa Ray was never less than believable.

Considering the number of Lifetime films that I’ve seen, it’s not easy to take me by surprise but this film’s twisty plot kept me guessing.

What did Not Work?

There was nothing that didn’t work about this film.  Best-Selling Murder is exactly the type of movie that we watch Lifetime for.  It was a melodramatic, fun, and even surprising.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I always relate to any film about a writer, especially if that writer is dealing with the darker side of life.  It’s true that I’ve never gotten to solve a murder but who knows what the future holds!

Lessons Learned

Don’t upset Bloody Mary.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #158: Little Girl’s Secret (dir by Dominic James)


Last night, I watched Little Girl’s Secret on Lifetime!

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Why Was I Watching It?

Oh my God, everyone’s so depressed right now!

Or, actually, I should say that almost everyone I know is depressed right now.  Obviously, the entire country is not depressed about Donald Trump winning the election because 60,000,000 people voted for him and I assume that they’re all happy.  But the 60,000,0000 who voted against him are all pretty depressed right now.  And, even worse, a lot of them are blaming my generation because not many of us voted and quite a few of us decided to vote third party.

My twitter timeline is seriously dark right now.

So, I figured that maybe I could cheer some people up by doing one of my famous Lifetime movie live tweets!  Looking to help heal a divided nation, I watched Little Girl’s Secret on Lifetime and I tweeted every single thought that popped into my head.  I don’t know if I saved the world but I certainly did increase my Klout score.

What Was It About?

That’s a good question!  This film left me thoroughly confused, though that may be because I’m currently spending the weekend at my uncle’s and, as I tried to watch and tweet, I was also having to deal with 100 hyperactive cousins.

As far as I could tell, here’s what was happening in the movie: Jean (Maria Bello) is an artist.  Dave (Callum Keith Rennie) is a writer.  Molly (Sophie Nelisse) is Jean’s teenage daughter.  Heather (Isabelle Nelisse) is Dave’s daughter.  Michael (William Dickinson) is someone’s son.  I guess he’s Molly’s brother but it wasn’t always easy to keep track of how everyone was related.  He could have been Dave’s son and Heather’s brother.  It really doesn’t matter.

Anyway, in 1982, this family leaves Baltimore and moves into a new home — a former church that’s been turned into a house!  There’s a cemetery out back.  There are ruins nearby.  There’s a ghostly apparition that appears occasionally.  Heather, who doesn’t feel like she belongs in this reconstructed family, is soon spending all of her time talking to the apparition.

Meanwhile, Molly is having nightmares and she keeps seeing birds forming ominous shapes in the sky.  (It’s kinda like in Take Shelter.)  She also starts to hear noises in the dark and see ominous shadows in unlit rooms.  Why doesn’t anyone ever turn on the lights?

What Worked?

It had its share of creepy moments.  Molly’s dreams were always well-executed.

What Did Not Work?

This movie was so damn dark!  I don’t mean thematically.  I mean that it was often hard to see what was going on in the movie because it never seemed to occur to anyone to turn on a light!  I get the point, of course.  This was a horror movie and everyone’s scared of the dark.  But, after a little while, the constant darkness went from being atmospheric to just being silly.

Maria Bello, a terrific actress, was pretty much wasted in a minor role.

I was going to complain about the film’s pacing but I think that has more to do with the fact that it premiered on Lifetime than anything else.  It’s difficult to maintain suspense when you’re having to stop every few minutes for a commercial break.

And finally, the plot itself was overly complicated and not particularly easy to follow.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I related to Molly in quite a few scenes.  I was a rebellious 14 year-old too.

Lessons Learned

TURN ON THE DAMN LIGHTS!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #157: My Husband Is Missing (dir by Brenton Spencer)


Last night, I watched more than just The Crooked Man!  I also watched the latest Lifetime premiere, My Husband Is Missing.

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Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on Lifetime, of course!  Now, I do have to admit that it was something of a disjointed viewing experience.  I watched the first hour of My Husband Is Missing, just long enough to discover that the main character’s husband was indeed missing.  I then switched over to SyFy and I watched The Crooked Man.

After the Crooked Man ended, I started to watch the final hour of My Husband Is Missing off of the DVR but then I noticed that I also had an episode of Cheaters on the DVR as well.  Well, naturally, I couldn’t understand why I would have ever recorded an episode of Cheaters.  So, I decided to watch it.  I was thinking maybe it would be the episode where Joey Greco got stabbed.

Nope, no stabbing.  It was just a normal episode of Cheaters.  Since the show was filmed in Dallas, I saw a lot of familiar locations but I still have no idea why I recorded it.

Life is weird, y’know?

Anyway, after all that, I watched the final hour of My Husband is Missing.

What Was It About?

Dale Bradshaw (Robert Underwood) is a father and a husband.  AND HE’S MISSING!  He was kidnapped out of his SUV and now, his kidnappers are posting videos of him all tied up and gagged.  Are his kidnappers forcing him to act in an Eli Roth movie?  Agck!

Since the police are totally useless — except for Det. Matthews (Aaron Pearl), I guess — it’s up to his daughter (Nicole Munoz) and his wife (Daphne Zuniga) to figure out what has happened to Dale!

As for Detective Matthews, he wants to help but he’s struggling because of government bureaucracy.  Fortunately, to help him out, he has a hacker who looks like he stepped straight out of 1998.

What Worked?

Uhmm…

Actually, I will give the film credit for two things.  I loved the title.  According to the imdb, this film was originally known as Abducted Love but My Husband Is Missing is a hundred times better.  My Husband Is Missing just screams Lifetime.

Secondly, this is yet another Lifetime film that was obviously filmed in Canada.  That’s not a problem because I love Canada.  Still, I appreciated the fact that every scene seemed to have an American flag in the background.  It’s as if the filmmakers were saying, “The film is too taking place in the U.S., regardless of how Canadian most of the supporting cast may sound!”  I appreciated the effort.

That said, I’d like to see a Canadian film on Lifetime that proudly embraced the fact that it was Canadian.  Enough of this “let’s pretend we’re in upstate New York” stuff.  I want to see a Lifetime film that proudly shouts, “THIS MOVIE IS SET IN TORONTO!  YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!?”

What Did Not Work?

I usually have unconditional love for Lifetime films but this one just didn’t hold my interest.  Part of the problem is that I figured out the mystery after about 20 minutes.  There was no big or shocking twist.

“OMG!  Just like me!” Moments

There is a redhead in the film but she works for the government and that’s something you’ll never find me doing.

Lessons Learned

Canada shouldn’t have to pretend to be upstate New York.

Back to School Part II #55: Sorority Nightmare (dir by Devon Downs and Kenny Gage)


(For the past three weeks, Lisa Marie has been in the process of reviewing 56 back to school films!  She’s promised the rest of the TSL staff that this project will finally wrap up by the end of today, so that she can devote her time to helping to prepare the site for its annual October horrorthon!  Will she make it or will she fail, lose her administrator privileges, and end up writing listicles for Buzzfeed?  Keep reading the site to find out!)

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When I was going to college, I was actually encouraged by quite a few people to join a sorority but I never did.  What can I say?  I fancied myself as being an artist and an intellectual.  I had no interest in conformity and, to me, that’s what sororities and fraternities represented.  Why would I want to waste my time with that when I could spend my time writing poems about death?  (Add to that, why go through all the trouble of joining a sorority when I knew I could get into all the good parties, regardless of whether I was a member of one or not?)

Seriously!

So, I made my decision to never get involved in any of that and I think I probably made the right choice for me.  But occasionally, I’ll see a film on Lifetime that will make me change my mind.  It seems that every year, there’s a few dozen Lifetime movies that are about something strange happening in a sorority.  In the world of Lifetime, sororities are full of dark secrets, constant melodrama, and, more often than not, a murder or two.   Lifetime makes sorority life look … well, if not exactly fun, at least entertaining!

Consider for instance, the film Sorority Nightmare!  Sorority Nightmare aired on July 21st and, in the best Lifetime tradition, it totally lives up to its name.  All you need to know about Sorority Nightmare is right there in the title.  It deals with a sorority and, oh my God, is this place ever a nightmare!  (According to the imdb, the film’s non-Lifetime title is Twisted Sisters.  That’s a good title because these sorority sisters sure are twisted!)

As the start of the film, first-year college student Sarah (Sierra McCormick) is a lot like me.  She’s an intellectual, a free thinker.  She’s not really interested in being a part of a sorority.  She’d rather hang out with her snarky roommate, Jodi (Sarah Kapner).  Add to that, Sarah still blames herself for the death of her older sister, Jill.  Jill was driving Sarah home after Sarah got too drunk at a party.  When Jill attempted to pose for a selfie while driving, she ended up crashing the car and dying in the process.  Sarah survived but, for obvious reasons, she’s no longer interested in getting drunk at parties.

But, her mother was a member of Psi Kappa and she insists that Sarah actually check the place out.  And since Sarah is a legacy, she’s asked to pledge.  Even though it means losing whatever credibility she may have with Jodi, Sarah decides to join.

It quickly turns out that Psi Kappa is more of a cult than a sorority.  The cult is led by Daisy (Cassidy Gifford), who is friendly, perky, intense, and more than a little frightening.  Daisy not only decides that Sarah is her new best friend but she also suggests that maybe Sarah shouldn’t have any other friends.  When Daisy isn’t trying to control everyone’s lives, she busy popping what she says are breath mints but are actually “diet pills.”

OH MY GOD, DAISY’S A SPEED FREAK!

Anyway, Sorority Nightmare pretty much plays out exactly how you would expect it to but that doesn’t matter.  As played by Cassidy Gifford, Daisy is literally a force of nature.  She’s a nonstop tornado of manipulation and malicousness and it’s a lot of fun to watch.  Sorority Nightmare is one of those wonderfully over the top Lifetime films where it’s obvious that the cast and the crew is in on the joke.  Sit back, don’t worry, and enjoy the melodrama!

Back to School Part II #53: Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (dir by Doug Campbell)


For the past three weeks, Lisa Marie has been in the process of reviewing 56 back to school films!  She’s promised the rest of the TSL staff that this project will finally wrap up by the end of today, so that she can devote her time to helping to prepare the site for its annual October horrorthon!  Will she make it or will she fail, lose her administrator privileges, and end up writing listicles for Buzzfeed?  Keep reading the site to find out!)

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Oh Hell yeah!

Eric Roberts is back as Dr. Beck and, once again, he’s obsessed with a teenage girl!  Believe it or not, this is a good thing because this obsession leads to Dr. Beck spending a lot of time sitting in a car that’s parked in front of Amy’s (Claire Backwelder) high school.  By doing so, Dr. Beck justifies my decision to include the 2016 Lifetime film Stalked By My Doctor: The Return in my series of Back to School reviews.

Thank you, Dr. Beck!

As you may remember from last year’s Stalked By My Doctor, Dr. Beck is a neurotic doctor who has an unfortunate tendency to get obsessed with his patients.  At the end of the first movie, the good doctor narrowly escaped the police and was last seen flashing a somewhat nervous smile.

At the start of The Return, we find Dr. Beck now living in Mexico.  He’s done a pretty good job of avoiding arrest and has a successful career going as a beach bum but he has yet to find true love.  However, it seems like that might change when, one day, he spots a teenage girl drowning in the ocean.  Dr. Beck not only saves Amy from drowning but he also literally brings her back to life.  Seriously, my wonderful readers, be sure to learn CPR.

(Then again, I’m not sure that I’ve ever learned CPR.  I guess I should.  We can’t always depend on a crazy fugitive doctor to be around.)

Both Amy and her overprotective mom, Linda (Hilary Greer), are thankful and now, Dr. Beck is now obsessed all over again.  In fact, he’s so obsessed that he even risks capture by returning to the United States.  Under the pretense of merely wanting to check up on his patient, Beck starts to stalk Amy.  Taking a lesson from Nabokov’s Lolita, Beck starts to go out with the neurotic Linda.  By marrying Linda, Dr. Beck hopes that he can get to Amy.

All together now: Ewwwwwww!  Bad doctor!

Amy and her boyfriend (Mark Grossman) eventually grow suspicious of Dr. Beck.  They even recruit Amy’s Uncle Roger (Christopher Crabb) to investigate the good doctor.  However, Linda refuses to hear a word against him.  That’s not surprising, considering that she’s just agreed to marry him…

Stalked By My Doctor: The Return is a deliberately over-the-top melodrama, one that has more in common with the snarky satire of A Deadly Adoption than the previous Stalked By My Doctor.  Sprinkled throughout the film are several scenes in which Dr. Beck has conversations with the voices in his head and, as you can probably guess, Eric Roberts plays the Hell out of these scenes.  In fact, Roberts is a force of nature in this film, keeping a straight face while ripping through his overwrought dialogue and only stopping occasionally to wink at the camera, almost as if Dr. Beck realizes that he’s just a character in a Lifetime movie.  Roberts is obviously having a blast in the role and his demented joy is somewhat infectious.  After imagining that he’s killed a dining companion, a blood-covered Roberts says, “Check please,” and his delivery of that one-liner is absolutely brilliant.

Stalked By My Doctor: The Return is a blast of over the top, Eric Roberts-inspired lunacy.

 

Back to School Part II #51: Killer Coach (dir by Lee Friedlander)


For the past three weeks, Lisa Marie has been in the process of reviewing 56 back to school films!  She’s promised the rest of the TSL staff that this project will finally wrap up by the end of today, so that she can devote her time to helping to prepare the site for its annual October horrorthon!  Will she make it or will she fail, lose her administrator privileges, and end up writing listicles for Buzzfeed?  Keep reading the site to find out!)

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The 2016 film Killer Coach premiered on Lifetime on July 30th.  At the time, I suspected that it was probably being released specifically to capitalize on all of the attention that was being paid to the Summer Olympics in general and Michael Phelps in specific.  After all, Killer Coach is a film about a swimmer in trouble and, as you might guess from the title, a lot of that trouble has to do with her coach.

Now, I have to admit that I kinda ignored the Olympics this year.  I’m as shocked as anyone by that but, quite frankly, I just wasn’t feeling it.  2016 has sapped the enjoyment out of a lot of events that you could previously depend upon.  Hopefully, I’ll regain my excitement in 2018 because I’d hate to miss the curling.  Along with not being into the Olympics this year, I also have an intense fear of drowning and movies that feature people trapped underwater tend to give me nightmares.  With all that in mind, I was worried that Killer Coach might not be for me.  However, I still watched it because it was on Lifetime.  You know how that goes.

Well, I shouldn’t have worried.  Killer Coach was pure Lifetime goodness, even if it never quite reached the wonderful heights of The Perfect Teacher or Babysitter’s Black Book.  Though the film may have been advertised to exploit all the attention being given to the Olympics, it was not necessary to be a swim fan to appreciate it.  As for the drowning scenes — well, there were a few but they didn’t traumatize me.  In the best Lifetime tradition, Killer Coach is pure entertainment.  No need to worry about trauma.

As for the film, it’s about Samantha (Javicia Leslie).  Sam is a smart and popular high school student.  She also has the potential to be one of the best swimmers in the country and is looking forward to going to college on a swim scholarship.  Who knows?  Olympics medals may be in her future!  As for Sam, she’s mostly just looking forward to a future with her boyfriend (Cameron Jebo).

Sam’s coach, Gina (Keesha Sharp), puts her under constant pressure.  Nothing is ever good enough for Gina.  That’s what a coach is supposed to do, right?  The only problem is that Gina is also Sam’s mother and it’s obvious that she’s reliving her own past as a championship swimmer through her daughter.  Gina is so intense that Sam is happy that the new assistant coach appears to be so laid back.  Even better, Bryce (Tom Maden) is hot!

Of course, he’s also kind of crazy.  After a one night stand, he grows obsessed with Sam and starts stalking her.  It’s actually kind of a nice reverse on the typical Lifetime storyline.  Usually, it’s a student stalking a teacher.

Anyway, there’s more to the story than just that.  Bryce is fueled by more than just obsession and Gina has secrets in her own past.  I didn’t really care about any of that and I could have done without it.  The film is far more interesting when it just focuses on Bryce as a crazed authority figure.

Killer Coach is well-filmed by veteran Lifetime director Lee Friedlander and he keeps the story moving along quickly.  Leslie is sympathetic as Samantha and Maden is memorably unhinged as her stalker.  Killer Coach is an above average Lifetime film and definitely an entertaining way to spend two hours.

Back to School Part II #41: She’s Too Young (dir by Tom McLoughlin)


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“Guess what, guys!  I’ve got syphilis!”

— Actual Line Of Dialogue From She’s Too Young (2004)

Yes, indeed, 14 year-old Dawn (Miriam McDonald) has syphilis.  But she’s not the only one!  It turns out that there’s a syphilis epidemic raging at Dawn’s Canadian high school.  It all comes down to a 16 year-old aspiring man-whore named Nick (Mike Erwin) and Nick really isn’t that concerned about it.  When the school’s counselor informs him that he’s patient zero in the syphilis epidemic, Nick holds out his arm and says, “Give me my magic bullet and I’ll be on my way.”  Nick also jokingly refers to syphilis as being “the big S.”

Meanwhile, Nick’s girlfriend, Hannah (Alexis Dziena), is shocked to discover that she has a mouth sore, despite having never had intercourse with Nick.  Uh-oh … it turns out that syphilis is a lot easier to contract than she originally believed!  Luckily, her incredibly overprotective mom (Marcia Gay Harden) is doing her best to make sure that nobody in Canada ever gets syphilis again.  If that means going from house to house and announcing, “My daughter has syphilis!,” that’s what she’s going to do!

One of Hannah’s best friends is Dawn.  Her other best friend is Becca (Megan Park), who regularly sneaks off to a motel with her boyfriend.  Seriously, every teenager in town is having sex, except for Hannah.  That said, Hannah does try to convince her photographer friend, Tommy (Joe Dinicol), that it’s time that they both lose their respective virginities.  Tommy, however, refuses and says, “We have ages to do that…”

(Really? A teenage boy turning down sex?  Maybe he’s just worried about getting syphilis…)

Anyway, after Dawn reveals that she has syphilis, every student at the high school is forced to get a blood test.  Becca gets pretty mad about being inconvenienced and decides that she doesn’t want to hang out with either Dawn or Hannah anymore.  (Even worse, her ultra religious parents threaten to send her to private school!)  While Dawn can at least hang out with her mother and her younger sister, Hannah now has no one to be friends with.  After all, Nick’s has apparently succumbed to an internet pornography addiction, Tommy rejected her, and her mother is too busy telling everyone in the neighborhood that Hannah has syphilis.  So, Hannah spends all of her time hanging out on a website and chatting with Dawn (whose user name is Dawn69 and I’m sure that’s just meant to be a coincidence).

The site, by the way, is called Teenplaya.com.  I don’t know if Teenplaya.com is a real site and I’m not planning on finding out.  Any site called Teenplaya.com is probably going to be crawling with all sorts of viruses, not to mention syphilis…

(“Lisa,” you’re saying, “you can’t catch syphilis from a website…”  Whatever.  That’s the same thing they told Napoleon before they sent him to Elba and we all know how that worked out.)

I have spent a lot of time on this site defending Lifetime films but occasionally, I do see a movie that pretty much lives up to every single pre-conceived notion that people have about Lifetime films in general.  She’s Too Young is one such film.  It’s so overwrought and earnest and it has so little understanding of the way that teenage girls actually talk that She’s Too Young actually is a classic of a certain kind.  It’s like the Reefer Madness of Canadian STD films.

Speaking as a Degrassi fan, one of the things that made She’s Too Young especially memorable was that Dawn was played by Miriam McDonald.  On Degrassi, McDonald played Emma Nelson and, in a two-part episode that was considered to be too controversial to air in the United States, she contracted gonorrhea.  It’s interesting to compare the rather level-headed and always honest approach of Degrassi to the far more histrionic style of She’s Too Young.

(On Degrassi, when Emma finally told her stepfather that she was sick, he assured her that she would be okay and that the most important thing was that she learn from this experience.  In She’s Too Young, when Hannah confesses that she’s sick, her mother responds by running around the neighborhood and telling everyone that her daughter has syphilis.)

For all the talk about how the original Mother, May I Sleep With Danger is the ultimate over-the-top and unintentionally funny made-for-TV film, I would argue that She’s Too Young is actually far more memorable.  From the overwrought dialogue to the overwrought performances to the painful sincerity of the film’s intentions, She’s Too Young is a classic that deserves a James Franco-produced remake.

Back to School Part II #33: No One Would Tell (dir by Noel Nosseck)


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Do you remember when Chris Brown performed The Man In The Mirror at the 2010 BET Awards?  It was during a tribute to Michael Jackson and Brown broke down crying while singing the song.  Afterwards, he accepted an award and he said, “I let you all down before, but I won’t do it again.  I promise you.”

This, of course, was about a year after Brown had pled guilty to physically abusing Rihanna.  I remember being on twitter during Brown’s performance and seeing literally thousands of tweets from people talking about how brave Chris Brown was and how amazing his performance had been.  Chris Brown was looking at the man in the mirror and asking him to change his ways.  Chris Brown was promising not to let anyone else down by nearly killing any future girlfriends.  A lot of people on twitter claimed this was amazing.  I thought it was disgusting and I tweeted out my opinion.  I really didn’t give a fuck if Chris Brown was asking the man in the mirror to change his ways.  The man in the mirror was (and is) an abusive asshole.  The man in the mirror beats women.  The man in the mirror is not capable of changing his ways.  “FUCK THE MAN IN THE MIRROR!” I tweeted.

And, oh my God, the reaction my little twitter rant inspired.  What was especially disturbing was that the majority of people who tweeted me in Brown’s defense were other women.  Yes, they all agreed, Chris Brown had beat Rihanna but he admitted what he had done, he was asking the man in the mirror to change his ways, and hey, Rihanna probably deserved it.

My favorite excuse — and this was used by quite a few of Brown’s defenders — was this: “Only God can judge Chris Brown.”  Well, you know what?  I asked God and he says Chris Brown’s an abusive asshole.

I’m tempted to say that it amazes me that Chris Brown still has fans but actually, it doesn’t.  Sadly, when it comes to a celebrity, people are willing to make excuses for almost anything.  If you ask most people, they’ll say that they’re against domestic abuse and they think abusers should suffer the worst punishment imaginable.  But when the abuser is someone who they know (or, in the case of a celebrity like Chris Brown, someone who they feel they know), the excuses start.  The equivocations are heard.  The blame is assigned to everyone but the abuser.  We start hearing bullshit about how people make mistakes and only God can judge.

In short, people are willing to talk but when it matters, they rarely act.

That’s also the theme of a powerful and sad movie called No One Would Tell.  No One Would Tell was originally made for television in 1996 and it still shows up fairly regularly on Lifetime.  Though the names and certain details have been changed, it’s based on a true story.  In fact, the film feels like it’s based on several true stories.  The plot of No One Would Tell is one that has occurred and continues to occur on far too regular of a basis.

Stacy Collins (played by Candace Cameron, before she added the Bure to her name) is a 16 year-old high school student.  She’s quiet, shy, and insecure.  When she first starts to date a popular jock named Bobby Tennison (Fred Savage), it seems like a dream come true.  But soon, Bobby starts to show another side.  He’s controlling and possessive.  He grabs her wrist hard enough to leave bruises.  He shoves her into a wall when they have an argument.  When she wears a skirt that he thinks is too short, he grabs her in the school hallway and demands that she change immediately.  When she isn’t home to answer his calls, he assumes that she most be cheating on him.  And, when she finally breaks up with him, he kills her.

What’s infuriating is that, throughout the film, Bobby’s abuse is witnessed by all of his and Stacy’s friends.  Everyone sees him push her.  Everyone sees the bruises.  Everyone knows that Bobby is unstable and that Stacy is afraid of him.  And yet, nobody says a word.  Nobody does a thing.  Instead, they just make excuses for Bobby’s behavior.  Some of them even blame Stacy.  No one is willing to get involved and it eventually costs Stacy her life.

For a TV movie from the mid-90s, No One Would Tell holds up surprisingly well.  Admittedly, Fred Savage overacts in the role of Bobby (and maybe it would have been better if the role had been played by Eric Balfour, who appears as Bobby’s best friend) but Candace Cameron does a perfect job as the tragic Stacy, capturing both her insecurity and her vulnerability.  Some of the film’s best moments are the ones shares by Cameron and Michelle Phillips.  In those scenes, we see how Stacy learned how to make excuses for Bobby’s behavior from watching the way that her mother made excuses for the men who similarly abused her.  No One Would Tell is a powerful film, one that offers an unflinching look at abuse and one that dares to demand that its audience take a stand.

No One Would Tell is a film that should be watched by anyone who thinks that the man in the mirror can change his ways.

Back to School Part II #29: A Friend To Die For a.k.a. Death of a Cheerleader (dir by William A. Graham)


death_of_a_cheerleader

Over the past couple of year, I’ve had so much fun making fun of Tori Spelling’s performance in the original Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? that I almost feel like I have an obligation to review a movie in which she gave a halfway decent performance.

That film would be another 1994 made-for-TV-movie.  It was apparently originally broadcast as A Friend To Die For but most of us know it better as Death of a Cheerleader.  That’s the title that’s used whenever it shows up on Lifetime.  There actually was a time when Death of a Cheerleader used to show up on almost a monthly basis but that was a while ago.  Lifetime has since moved on to other movies about dead cheerleaders.

Technically, as my sister immediately pointed out when I made her watch the movie, the title isn’t quite correct.  Though Stacy Lockwood (Tori Spelling) does try out for and is named to her school’s cheerleading squad, she never actually gets to cheer.  Instead, shortly after the school assembly in which her selection is announced, Stacy is found stabbed to death.  But really, Death of A Future Cheerleader doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

As for who killed Stacy … well, it’s no secret.  This is one of those true crime films where the murderer is not only portrayed sympathetically but is the main character as well.  Angela Delvecchio (Kellie Martin) was a high school sophomore who was obsessed with trying to become popular.  She looked up to Stacey and desperately wanted to be her best friend.  (Why she didn’t just offer to bribe Stacey, I don’t know.  Maybe she hadn’t seen Can’t Buy Me Love….)  When Stacey got a job working in the school office, so did Angela.  Of course, the school’s somewhat sleazy principal (Terry O’Quinn, coming across like John Locke’s worst nightmare) only made it a point to talk to Stacey and pretty much ignored Angela.  When Stacey applied to work on the yearbook, so did Angela.  When Stacey tried out for cheerleading, so did Angela.

In fact, the only time that Angela stood up to Stacey was when Angela was taunting the school’s token goth (played by Kathryn Morris).  That turned out to be a mistake because Stacey never forgave her.  When Angela invited Stacey to a party, Stacey was reluctant to go.  When Stacey did finally accept the invitation, Angela stabbed her to death.

A Friend to Die For/Death of a Cheerleader is based on a true story and the film tries to lay the blame for Angela’s crime on the affluent neighborhood she was raised in.  Just in case we missed the message, the film actually features a Priest (played by Eugene Roche) who says that the community put too much pressure on Angela to succeed.

Uhmmm….okay, if you say so.

Seriously, this is a pretty good little true crime film and both Tori Spelling and Kellie Martin give really good performances but this whole “It’s society’s fault” argument is typical, mushy, made-for-TV, bourgeois liberal BS.  Angela picked up the knife, Angela committed the crime, end of story.  That said, A Friend To Die For is pretty good as far as these movies go.  I already mentioned the performances of Spelling and Martin but also keep an eye out for Marley Shelton, who gets a really good scene in which she explains that she never liked Stacey that much while she was alive.

You can watch A Friend To Die For/Death of a Cheerleader below!