Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #32: Sister Cities (dir by Sean Hanish)

Posted on December 5, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by the end of Wednesday, December 7th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)

Sister Cities originally aired on Lifetime on September 17th. When it first aired, I was really expecting to like it just because it’s a movie about four sisters and I’m the youngest of four sisters. Add to that, one of the sisters was named Dallas and Dallas is my city. Seriously, I seemed destined to like Sister Cities.

But then I actually saw the film. And I have to admit that, for the first hour or so, I felt a little bit guilty about not liking the film. It may have been a painfully slow film but I figured that it deserved some credit for at least trying to take the time for the viewers to get to know the four sisters. As well, I couldn’t deny that casting did a good job when it came to selecting the four lead actresses. You looked at them and they all had enough features and mannerisms in common that you could actually believe that they were related.

In the film, the four sisters gather together after the suicide of their mother (played, in flashbacks, by both Amy Smart and Jacki Weaver). The sisters all have their own distinct personalities and, for some reason, three of them are named after cities.

For instance, the youngest sister is named Baltimore (Troian Bellisario). She’s a free-spirit who does what she wants. Now, my boyfriend is from Baltimore. I have friends who live in Baltimore. I’ve visited Baltimore and I loved it. But I would not name my daughter Baltimore because Baltimore is a great name for a city but it’s a terribly clunky one for a human being. If I was going to pick a city to name my daughter after, I’d probably go with Savannah or maybe Charlotte. Or, for that matter, maybe Ardglass. But not Baltimore.

Then there’s Dallas (Michelle Trachtenberg), who is the super organized and neat sister. She’s the one who gets taunted for always wearing matching underwear but seriously, what’s wrong with that? At least Dallas gets a pretty name.

Austin (Jess Wexler) has a pretty name too. We’re told that she’s a successful writer. We never believe it for a second. Austin lived with her mother and she’s the one who called the other sisters back home. Austin is as close as the film comes to having a central character.

And then there’s Carolina (Stana Katic), who is the oldest. She’s a lawyer and she’s angry because her mother named her after one of the Carolinas but never clarified which one.

To be honest, it’s a bit too much. The sisters are all exaggerated types. The mother is an exaggerated type. They all have cutesy names. The nonstop theatrical quirkiness of it all is very off-putting and it doesn’t help that the film’s first hour is painfully slow. There’s a few attempts at dark humor but it’s never as insightful or affecting as it seems to think it is.

Then we get to the second hour and the film remains painfully slow but it also turns into a rather strident screed about assisted suicide. Eventually, the whole film comes down to an extended flashback of a beatific-looking Jacki Weaver smiling as she calmly explains that Austin will have to help her commit suicide because she’s the only sister who is emotionally strong enough to handle it. It was all so manipulative and heavy-handed that I ended up getting so annoyed that I took off my shoes and nearly threw them at the TV.

Sorry, Baltimore.

Sorry, Dallas.

Sorry, Austin.

Sorry, Carolina.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #29: A Mother’s Escape (dir by Blair Hayes)

Posted on December 4, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by the end of Tuesday, December 6th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)

A Mother’s Escape aired on Lifetime Movie Network on July 21st, 2016.

Reportedly based on a true story, A Mother’s Escape tells a story that, on its surface, should be familiar to anyone who has ever watched a Lifetime film. After an argument with her abusive husband, Murel (Tara Buck) grabs her young son, Kipp (Spencer Mabrey), jumps in a car, and takes off in search of a better life. When we first meet them, they’re driving through Oklahoma. They stop at the house of Murel’s mother, Tess (Beth Grant).

From the minute that we first see Murel and Kipp, we feel like they know them. Both Tara Buck and Spencer Mabrey inhabit these roles so completely that it’s easy to forget that we’re watching actors performing from a script. Refreshingly, the film makes not attempt to idealize Murel. She’s frequently immature and occasionally self-centered but the ultimately, she’s defined by her love for her son. When she briefly talks to her husband on the phone, Murel is briefly tempted to return to him. Like so many victims of abuse, she fears that she might not deserve better. Fortunately, Tess is there to bluntly tell her that she does deserve better.

And so does Kipp.

Though her husband is not Kipp’s biological father, he did adopt him when he and Murel married. After Murel leaves, he accuses her of kidnapping her own son. Now, Murel must keep Kipp safe while also trying to avoid capture.

As I said, this might sound like a typical Lifetime film. However, it doesn’t feel like a typical Lifetime film. It moves at its own slow but steady pace, taking the time to allow us to get to know both Murel and Kipp. As Kipp, Spencer Mabrey is refreshingly non-cutesy while Tara Buck gives an almost heart-breakingly poignant performance as his imperfect but loving mom. As an added bonus, this film features some hauntingly beautiful shots of the Oklahoma landscape.

Though it may require some patience, A Mother’s Escape is one of the best Lifetime films that I’ve seen in a while.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #27 and #28: Who Killed JonBenet? (dir by Jason Lapyre) and JonBenet’s Mother: Victim or Killer (dir by Siobhan Walshe)

Posted on December 4, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by the end of Tuesday, December 6th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)

On November 5th, Lifetime aired a film about the murder of six year-old JonBenet Ramsey, Who Killed JonBenet? They followed this film with a documentary called JonBenet’s Mother: Victim or Killer? I did not watch the films when they originally aired, largely because, much like Girl In The Box and Cleveland Abduction, the subject matter sounded way too disturbing to me. Instead, I just recorded them and, for a few weeks, both programs sat unwatched on my DVR.

Until earlier today, that is!

I watched both of them and then I quickly deleted both of them as well. And now I’m going to write a few words about them. In fact, I’m going to try to devote as little time as possible to these films.

Normally, I’m the first one to defend Lifetime and their movies. If you’re a regular reader of this site, you know how much I love Lifetime movies. I love them for the exact same reason that most people claim to disdain them. It’s rare that I ever see a Lifetime film that I can’t enjoy or, at the very least, defend.

But, seriously, Who Killed JonBenet? was such a misfire that I barely know where to begin. In many ways, it’s a typical true crime film. Suspects are identified. Detectives find themselves caring about the case … TOO MUCH! It ends on a note of surface ambiguity that’s deceptive because the film all but comes out and accuses Patsy Ramsey of murdering her daughter.

That thing that sets Who Killed JonBenet? apart is that the film is narrated by JonBenet Ramsey, who is apparently speaking to use beyond the grave. JonBenet tells us that she’ll always be six. And she tells us that one of the detectives is a nice lady. And it’s such an icky technique that it pretty much makes the entire film nearly unwatchable. Every time that we hear that cloying little voiceover, we’re reminded of two things: 1) this film is based on the real life rape and murder of a six year-old and 2) this movie was made specifically to exploit that event. In the end, you feel guilty for watching the damn movie in the first place.

Seeing as how Who Killed JonBenet? basically accuses Patsy Ramsey of murder, it’s interesting that it was immediately followed up by JonBenet’s Mother: Victim or Killer? JonBenet’s Mother explores Patsy’s life and pretty much comes to the conclusion that, while Patsy may have been a bit odd, she did not kill her daughter. If anything, the documentary shows that Patsy was largely the victim of a vicious media.

Like, to name just one example, Who Killed JonBenet?

Anyway, let us never speak of these two movies again. When I think of a Lifetime movie, I’d much rather think of Confessions of Go Go Girl.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #21: Hidden Truth (dir by Steven R. Monroe)

Posted on November 30, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Sunday, December 4th! Will she make it? Considering that she only has a day left, probably not. But keep checking the site to find out!)

I recorded Hidden Truth off of the Lifetime Movie Network on September 18th. It premiered before that on Lifetime and I even live tweeted it but I didn’t record it until it re-aired on LMN. I’m glad that I did that because, as I rewatched Hidden Truth, I was surprised by how much I had forgotten about the film.

Hidden Truth is one of those Lifetime films that takes place in a small town where everyone knows each other. It tells the story of a girl named Zoe (Diana Hopper) who is upset because 1) her father, Pace (Brendan McCarthy), may have killed her mother, 2) he’s now an alcoholic, and 3) she’s being raised by her loving but overprotective aunt, Jamie (Sarah Lind). Zoe is desperate to get out of town so she starts having an affair with a local rich guy, Michael (Shawn Christian). She wants his money. He claims to be in love with her….

And then, one day, Zoe turns up dead and floating in the river. The sheriff (Parker Stevenson) immediately suspects that Pace got drunk and killed his daughter. Soon, Aunt Jamie is the only person in town who believes that her brother is innocent. Can she clear his name? Can she solve her niece’s murder? Can she uncover the hidden truth…

Ironically, for the viewer, there’s nothing at all hidden about the truth in this movie. The movie actually opens with Michael murdering Zoe and dumping her body in the river. So, from the start, we know who the murderer is. The film instead becomes about watching Michael try to cover his track and wondering when Jamie will finally figure out what happened.

It’s actually a different approach from what we’re used to with Lifetime but I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about it. The problem is that Michael really isn’t that clever. He’s a sloppy murderer and he’s sloppy when it comes to covering his tracks and there’s no moment when you think to yourself that he might get away with it. And since Michael is a thoroughly despicable and inept character, it’s not like you find yourself conflicted as you watch him try to cover his tracks. At no point do you think, “He’s a bad guy but I kinda hope he gets away with it.”

I guess what I’m saying is that the Hidden Truth would have worked better if the truth had remained hidden until the final five minutes of the film. Still, you have to give the filmmakers some credit for trying to do something different.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #20: Girl In The Box (dir by Stephen Kemp)

Posted on November 30, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Sunday, December 4th! Will she make it? Considering that she only has a day left, probably not. But keep checking the site to find out!)

Girl in the Box originally aired on Lifetime on September 10th and I have to admit that I specifically chose to record it as opposed to watching it. That’s because Girl In The Box was based on the true story of the kidnapping and 7 year enslavement of Colleen Stan. It’s an incredibly disturbing story and I knew that, much like last year’s Cleveland Abduction, Girl In The Box would give me nightmares.

And, having now watched the film, I think I probably made the right decision. Girl In The Box is an incredibly unsettling film, one that is all the more upsetting for being based on a true story.

In 1977, 20 year-old Colleen (played by Addison Timlin) is hitchhiking from Oregon to California. We watch as Colleen turns down two prospective rides, one from a group of frat boys and one from an older couple that wasn’t going far enough. When she does accept a ride, it’s from Cameron Hooker (Zane Holtz) and his wife, Janice (Zelda Williams). What we know, but Colleen doesn’t, is that Cameron has just recently murdered another woman that he abducted.

Soon, Colleen is being held prisoner in a tiny wooden box, only being brought out so that she can be abused and raped by Cameron. Cameron forces her to sign a “slave contract” and he tells her that he is a part of a much larger conspiracy. Even if Colleen could escape, he tells her, his associates would track her down and kill both her and her family. Slowly, Colleen’s will is broken down.

And through it all, Janice watches. Janice, we learn, married Cameron when she was sixteen and he seemed like he was the most handsome and charming guy in the world. It was after they got married that she discovered that Cameron was a monster. Cameron justifies his crimes by claiming that, if he wasn’t abusing Colleen, he would be abusing Janice. Janice, the film suggests, is just as brainwashed as Colleen. They are both prisoners of a truly evil creature.

(It should be noted that the film is generally sympathetic to Janice. I’ve read a few true crime accounts of Colleen Stan’s kidnapping that paint a far less forgiving picture.)

Much like Cleveland Abduction, Girl In The Box was difficult for me to watch. The three main actors totally committed to their roles, taking the audience to a very dark place, one that was all the more disturbing for being real. Zane Holtz revealed Cameron’s evil and sadistic side while, at the same time, showing how he could easily fool the rest of the world into thinking that he was a normal, likable guy. Zelda Williams portrayed Janice’s growing horror at realizing what her life has become, while at the same time never entirely letting Janice off the hook for her part in Cameron’s crimes. And Addison Timlin was courageously vulnerable as Colleen.

It’s hard for me to recommend Girl In The Box because it really is such an unpleasant film. I mean, this is not a film to watch if you’re just looking for a relaxing night in front of the TV. But I do think it has an important message. There are other Cameron Hookers out there and the reason that they thrive is because, far too often, people are scared to get involved. There were so many times that Cameron’s crimes could have been exposed if only people were willing to follow up their concerns.

Ultimately, Girl In The Box is a story of survival. Somehow, Colleen Stan survived her ordeal. I don’t know if I could have.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #19: I Know Where Lizzie Is (dir by Darin Scott)

Posted on November 29, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th! Will she make it? Considering that she only has a day left, probably not. But keep checking the site to find out!)

I recorded I Know Where Lizzie Is off of the Lifetime Movie Network on July 31st. I also watched it while recording it and it’s a pretty good thing I did because, as the result of a glitch with the DVR, I only recorded the final hour! So, when you read this review, be aware that at least half of it is being done on the basis of my possibly faulty memory.

I Know Where Lizzie Is is a hybrid of two popular Lifetime genres. On the one hand, you have an abducted child storyline. Teenager Lizzie Holden (Madison Iseman) has a fight with her mom, sneaks out of the house, and never comes home. Her amicably divorced parents, Judith (Tracey Gold) and Martin (Richard Rucculo), desperately try to track down their daughter. What they don’t know is that Lizzie is being held prisoner by a man wearing what appears to be a Michael Myers mask.

I Know Where Lizzie Is is also an unwanted guest film. In an unwanted guest film, a seemingly friendly but secretly malicious stranger moves into an otherwise stable household and tries to destroy the family unit. In the case of I Know Where Lizzie Is, the stranger is a phony psychic named Tracy (Nadia Bjorlin). Tracy shows up and claims that she’s had visions of Lizzie. She knows where Lizzie is! Of course, the reason that Tracy knows all of this is because she’s in on the kidnapping.

(Before you start screaming at me about spoilers, this is all revealed early on in the film.)

On top of all that, I Know Where Lizzie Is is also an anti-media film. A somewhat smarmy reporter (Robert Scott Wilson) also movies into the Holden household and he is soon providing nearly 24 hour coverage of the Holdens, the kidnappers, and especially Tracy. I imagine that a lot of viewers will probably respond to the anti-media message. I mean, the media is pretty much everyone’s favorite scapegoat at the moment, right?

(It’s hard to believe that just 9 months ago, Spotlight was winning best picture and everyone was talking about how much they loved the media. It’s amazing how quickly things change.)

Anyway, I Know Where Lizzie Is was very much a typical Lifetime film and how much you enjoy it will depend on how much you enjoy Lifetime films in general. On the plus side, both Robert Scott Wilson and Nadia Bjorlin did well with their untrustworthy characters. Plus, the kidnapper in the mask was genuinely creepy!

If you like Lifetime movies, keep an eye out for it.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #13: Honeymoon From Hell (dir by Jake Helgren)

Posted on November 27, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)

Now that Thanksgiving has passed and that I’m back home, it’s time for me to get back to cleaning out the DVR. As a result of my own arbitrary time limit, I have 4 days to watch and review 40 films. Will I make it!? Well, we’re about to find out.

Earlier today, I finally got around to watching Honeymoon From Hell! Honeymoon from Hell originally aired on the Lifetime Movie Network on July 16th! I can’t remember exactly why I missed it. Maybe I was watching a killer shark movie. But anyway, I just watched it and I’m glad that I did!

Honeymoon From Hell was originally entitled The Legend of Alice Flagg. Who, you might be asking, is Alice Flagg? In 1849, Alice Flagg was a young woman living in South Carolina. Alice’s wealthy family was aghast when she fell in love with a common lumberman. Alice, however, refused to end their relationship. When the lumberman gave her an engagement ring, Alice knew she couldn’t wear it on her finger so, instead, she attached it to a ribbon and wore it around her neck. After briefly trying to run away from her controlling family, Alice was taken ill and died. Her father refused to allow her to be buried with her wedding ring and, as a result, it’s said that the ghost of Alice still haunts South Carolina. She comes out at night and searches for her wedding ring.

Honeymoon From Hell opens with newlyweds Julia (Lexi Giovagnoli) and Rivers (Adam Hagenbach) listening as a tour guide tells the story of Alice Flagg. Julia immediately relates to the story. She also comes from a wealthy family and she has also upset her father by marrying someone from “outside of her class.” Rivers, on the other hand, is dismissive of the story. When the tour guide mentions that Alice’s spirit can be summoned by running in a circle around her grave, Rivers proceeds to do just that.

Bad Rivers!

However, at the moment, Rivers and Julia are more concerned with the hurricane that is projected to be heading towards South Carolina. They get a room in a bed and breakfast that’s run by a seemingly friendly but somewhat odd woman named Hazel (Catherine Hicks).

Julia, who has yet to tell Rivers that she’s pregnant, soon starts to feel that something bad is about to happen. She’s having strange dreams and, occasionally, she thinks that she sees a mysterious young woman watching her. (And yet, the woman is always gone upon a second look.) When Julia sees her husband talking to the flirtatious Janelle Gamble (Cameron Richardson), she starts to get paranoid. The nightmares get worse. And then, of course, someone tries to stuff a pillow over her face…

Meanwhile, the storm is approaching…

And Julia has lost her wedding ring…

Honeymoon From Hell was full of atmosphere and creepy melodrama. Lexi Giovagnoli and Adam Hagenbach make for a likable couple while Cameron Richardson gets all the best lines as Janelle. Catherine Hicks is wonderfully eccentric as the odd Hazel. Lifetime’s track record with the horror genre may be uneven but Honeymoon From Hell was a lot of fun.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #9: Inspired To Kill (dir by Michael Feifer)

Posted on November 22, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)

Wow, it’s Antonio Sabato, Jr. again!

That’s right, Inspired To Kill co-stars Antonio Sabato, Jr. Interestingly enough, the previous movie that I watched in my effort to clean out the DVR, Remote Paradise, also co-starred Antonio Sabato, Jr. Also interestingly enough, both Inspired to Kill and Remote Paradise feature Sabato playing an enigmatic, older man who has an affair with a lonely and insecure woman. In both films, it turns out that Sabato is not exactly who he first appears to be. (If you want, feel free to insert your own joke about Sabato endorsing Donald Trump here because I’m too lazy to come up with one.) Perhaps not coincidentally, both films were directed by Michael Feifer and both films premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network.

(For the record, I recorded Inspired To Kill off of LMN on November 13th.)

Inspired To Kill tells the story of Kara (Karissa Lee Staples), a self-described aspiring writer who is recovering from a personal trauma. (Her boyfriend was murdered, which is definitely one way to get out of a relationship.) Having fled the painful memories of her former life in New York City, Kara is now living in Los Angeles and everything should be perfect….

Except, it’s not!

Yes, Kara may be living in L.A. but everyone knows that, if you want to be a real writer, you have to live in NYC.

Yes, Kara has been accepted into a prestigious creative writing program but her professor (Jay Pickett) is a total sleaze who keeps trying to hit on her.

Yes, Kara has managed to land a job as a barista but her boss (Daniel Booko) is a demanding jerk. He even gets upset when she misses work for several days in a row.

Yes, Kara has met the cute and charming Jason (Matthew Atkinson) but Jason sometimes seems oddly hesitant about pursuing a relationship with her. (Plus, Jason wants to be a lawyer, which means that, when the revolution does come, he might be on the wrong side.)

Yes, Kara is renting a room from the fun-loving Charlie (Olivia d’Abo) but Charlie is also a heavy drinker and can be a bit self-absorbed. Charlie’s solution to every problem is to go out, get drunk, and pick up a college student … actually, Charlie might have the right idea…

And yes, Kara has finally managed to meet her idol, the true crime writer P.K. Reese (Antonio Sabato, Jr) but there seems to be something a little bit off about him. He’s supportive of her as a writer but, at the same time, he gets upset if anyone other than him reads her work. He says that he wants to meet her friends and yet, he goes out of his way to avoid them. And when more and more people in her life start to suddenly die, Kara finds herself wondering if maybe her new lover was somehow involved…

You’re probably thinking that you’ve got Inspired To Kill all figured out but there’s a big twist that occurs towards the end of the film. Now, I have to admit that I figured out the twist, largely because I’ve seen so many Lifetime films that it is now basically impossible to fool me. But, even with that in mind, the twist was still pretty clever and actually, a lot of fun in its wonderfully implausible way. I mean, if you’re expecting the twist to actually make any sense than you have no business watching a Lifetime movie in the first place. Don’t worry about logic. Just sit back and enjoy the film.

Anyway, I rather liked Inspired To Kill. It’s an enjoyable and well-acted little thriller, one that will keep you entertained. It’s the type of unapologetically crazed and lurid melodrama that reminds me why I fell in love with the Lifetime Movie Network in the first place. Inspired To Kill is a lot of fun. Keep an eye out for it!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #160: Nightmare Wedding (dir by Jose Montesinos)

Posted on November 20, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, in between wrapping birthday presents and eating dinner, I watched the latest Lifetime premiere, Nightmare Wedding!

Why Was I Watching It?

It all started a little over 6 years ago when Arleigh asked me if I’d like to review movies for the Shattered Lens. When I said yes, that meant I was promising to watch and review as many movies as possible. If I hadn’t watched and reviewed Nightmare Wedding, I would be breaking my promise to Arleigh!

Add to that, Nightmare Wedding was a Lifetime film and I love Lifetime films! And let’s be honest — how can you not watch something called Nightmare Wedding? That’s a great title!

What Was It About?

After six years of dating, Max (Isaac Reyes) and Sandy (Nicola Posener) are finally getting married! However, there’s a bit of a problem: Max’s friend, Roman (Evan Henderson), suddenly shows up for the ceremony. Before she got together with Max. Sandy briefly dated Roman. Now, she hates Roman. Her family hates Roman. He friends hate Roman. Everyone hates Roman except for Max!

For his part, Roman is still in love with Sandy and he’s obsessed with both stopping the wedding and winning her back. And if that means that he has to kill a few people, send a few incriminating text messages, and do a few other shady things, that’s what Roman’s going to do!

Sandy’s friend Lisa (Angie Teodora Dick) attempts to confront Roman about his stalkerish behavior. Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of doing this while standing on the edge of a cliff. Roman responds by tossing her over the side. AGCK! I hate it when they kill off anyone named Lisa!

What Worked?

This was the epitome of a Lifetime guilty pleasure. Yes, the plot was totally ludicrous and, to a large extent, Roman’s plan depended upon everyone being an idiot. But, even with that in mind, the movie was still a lot of fun. One thing that I especially appreciated was the fact that Roman was so obviously psychotic and yet no one ever seemed to notice or care. Normally, that might be cause for criticism but Nightmare Wedding pushed things to such an extent that it became oddly charming.

Nicola Posener did a good job in the role of Sandy. You had sympathy for her and you really did find yourself hoping that she would get to have her dream wedding. Evan Henderson went so far over the top as Roman that his performance actually worked in a very odd and unexpected sort of way.

(Add to that, Evan bared just enough of a resemblance to Ryan Hansen that I could pretend that I was watching a spin-off of Veronica Mars.)

What Did Not Work?

Max was such a wimp! Seriously, after about five minutes, I found myself repeatedly shouting, “Be a man!” whenever he showed up on the screen. You didn’t want Sandy to get together Roman but, at the same time, it was impossible not to feel that she could have done a lot better than Max.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I related to Megan (Gina Vitori), Sandy’s fun-loving sister. She was determined to have a good time, regardless of how many psychos showed up for the wedding. Watching Megan defiantly refuse to take the wedding seriously reminded me of my own refusal to take 2016 seriously. Good for Megan!

Lessons Learned

Never call out a psycho while standing on the edge of a cliff. It’s just common sense.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #8: Remote Paradise (dir by Michael Feifer)

Posted on November 18, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)

I recorded Remote Paradise off of the Lifetime Movie Network on October 30th. As is often the case with Lifetime movies, Remote Paradise was actually produced under a different title: Dark Paradise. I’m not sure why, exactly, Lifetime decided that Remote was somehow more appealing than Dark. But regardless, Paradise is Paradise, right?

Anyway, as this film started, I thought I might be able to relate to its story. I say this despite the fact that, in the starring role, poor Boti Bliss was occasionally forced to wear some of the most unflattering outfits that I’ve ever seen in a Lifetime film. Seriously, a huge reason why I watch Lifetime films is because I like seeing what people are wearing and how they decorate their homes. At the start of the movie, Tamara (played, of course, by Boti Bliss) not only wears horrid overalls but she also lives in a pretty small and cramped house. That was definitely a red flag.

However, once I got over her house and her sense of style, I started to relate to Tamara. At the start of the film, she’s informed that her father has died and she’s inherited close to 8 million dollars! A shocked Tamara mentions that she and her father didn’t even get along.

Hey! I thought, I used to fight with my Dad too!

Since Tamara has just broken up with her boyfriend, she decides to invest the money by going on a trip with her two best girlfriends.

Hey! I thought, I’m close to my girlfriends too!

So, they got to Hawaii.

OH MY GOD! I yelled I’VE BEEN TO HAWAII!

While in Hawaii, Tamara meets a sexy boat captain who claims that his name is Dario (played by Antonio Sabato, Jr). Dario says that he’s from Italy.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!? I’VE BEEN TO ITALY!

Soon, Tamara is swept off her feet by the handsome but mysterious Dario. She spends all of her time with him, dreaming of their future together.

OH MY GOD, I HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR HANDSOME AND MYSTERIOUS TOO!

Meanwhile, one of her friends is beat into a coma by an unknown attacker….

Okay, I can’t relate to that. I guess I should be happy about that…

One morning, Tamara wakes up to discover that not only is Dario gone but so is her bank account. That’s right, Dario stole all of her money and then fled Hawaii!

Sorry, Tamara, can’t relate…

And — oh my God! — Dario’s not even Italian! Tamara learns that Dario has been overheard speaking in Portuguese! OH MY GOD — HE’S BRAZILIAN!

Okay, I’ve lost the ability to relate to the movie…

And so, Tamara and her non-coma friend go to Brazil, looking for revenge. And I will say this for “Dario.” He may be sleazy. He may be evil. He may be every woman’s worst nightmare. But damn!, he’s got a nice house!

I like nice houses! But … no, sorry, still no longer relating…

Anyway, Remote Paradise is okay. Boti Bliss has been in several Lifetime films and she always tends to overact but that actually worked to her advantage here as Tamara seemed to be an overly dramatic person in general. (I especially enjoyed the way she spat out the word “bastard,” when she saw Dario’s car.) The story’s predictable but there’s a last minute twist that will not take you by surprise but, fortunately, the film does shy away from letting the Tamara pursue her vengeance. In the end, what’s important is that the beach looked good and so did Brazil and so did Antonio Sabato, Jr.

And, most importantly, so did his house!