Tag Archives: Lifetime

Cleaning Out The DVR: Killer Mom (dir by Christine Conradt)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is currently in the process of cleaning out her DVR!  It’s going to take a while because Lisa has over 200 things recorded.  However, one thing is for sure: it’s all getting erased on January 15th.  Will Lisa be able to watch everything before doomsday?  Keep checking here to find out!  She recorded Killer Mom off of Lifetime on April 15th!)

Poor Jessica (played by Karen Cliche)!

Nothing’s going right for her.  First off, her husband has been arrested and charged with one of those financial crimes that rich men always seem to be committing in Lifetime movies.  She’s had to move in with her best friend, which is good because her friend keeps her supplied with wine and sympathy but bad because her friend’s house is not quite as nice as the house that she used to live in.  When she does go out of town, she’s so broke that she can’t even afford to stay in a nice hotel.  She has to rip open her blouse and threaten to accuse the manager of raping her just to get a good room!

However, there is a light on the horizon.  14 years earlier, as the result of an affair with a married man, Jessica had a daughter named Allison.  Jessica gave Allison up and Allison was raised by her father and his wife.  The wife died a few years previously and, just a few days ago, the father was killed in a plane crash!  That means that the now 14 year-old Allison (Maddy Martin) stands to inherit millions!

After showing up at the funeral and introducing herself, Jessica starts to work her way into Allison’s life.  Allison’s half-sister, Sydni (Kirby Bliss Blanton) automatically suspects that Jessica is only interested in the money.  For that matter, so does just about everyone else in the world.  No one trusts Jessica but Allison.  And Allison is so happy to finally be reunited with her biological mother that no one has the courage to tell her about their suspicions.

That doesn’t stop people from trying to investigate Jessica’s past, however.  Of course, that’s always a mistake in a Lifetime movie.  Trying to investigate anything is usually a good way to end up either getting framed or murdered.  For instance, Aaron Martin (Brad Long) makes it clear that he doesn’t trust Jessica and suddenly, his computer is full of child porn!  Is Aaron a perv or did Jessica use her magic internet powers to hack his computer?  (Take a guess.)  The housekeeper doesn’t trust Jessica and suddenly, her mother is attacked by an intruder.  Sydni thinks that Jessica is plotting something and … oh my God!  Suddenly, there are drugs in her car!

As I’ve said before, the more batshit crazy a Lifetime film is, the more likely it’s going to be a success.  Killer Mom is totally and completely over the top, full of nonstop plotting, snarky commentary, and — most importantly — really beautiful houses.  Nobody lives in a messy house in a Lifetime film!  Karen Cliche totally embraces the role of femme fatale, giving a performance that suggests that Jessica is almost as amused by her schemes as we are.  All in all, Killer Mom is good melodramatic fun.

Film Review: Flint (dir by Bruce Beresford)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Undoubtedly, there’s a great and important film waiting to be made about the Flint water crisis.  Unfortunately, the new Lifetime film Flint is not it.

As I watched Flint last night, it occurred to me that it’s been a while since the Flint water crisis made the national news.  For a few weeks in 2016, it was all anyone was talking about but then the governor of Michigan announced that he wouldn’t be running for President and the media promptly deserted Flint.  I think most people in the country assumed that Flint now magically had clean water.  In reality, Flint hasn’t had reliably clean water since 2014.  Earlier this year, it was announced that Flint’s water quality has returned to acceptable levels but residents were still advised not to use it until all of Flint’s water pipes had been replaced.  When one looks at the coverage that the crisis has received, one gets the feeling that the media stopped caring once it became apparent there wasn’t going to be an easy and quick solution.

That’s the thing with this crisis.  There is no easy way to resolve it and it’s not a happy story.  Even when all of the pipes are finally replaced (which will be 2020 at the earliest), it’s not going to be a happy ending as much as it’s just going to be an ending.  The citizens of a city were poisoned because a bunch of civil servants wanted to save money.  There’s no way to spin that into a positive.  Even if the people of Flint are no longer drinking contaminated water, that doesn’t change the fact that they once did and no one in power seemed to care until they had no choice but to pretend to be outraged.

Flint is a well-meaning film but it’s immediately handicapped by the fact that it’s a Lifetime film and, therefore, has to take a Lifetime approach to the material. which means that things have to end positively.  The film does a good job of showing brown water running out of taps and detailing why clean water is a necessity.  And the film also deserves some credit for including a note informing us that the pipes in Flint are still in the process of being replaced and that the citizens are still being told either use filters or bottled water.  But, too often, the film turns what should have been a modern-day horror story into a simplistic story of “you go girl!” activism.  When the film should be angry, it’s merely annoyed.  When the film should be furious about the present, it’s too busy being optimistic about the future.  Instead of really exploring what led to the crisis in the first place, the focus of the film is on city council meetings and the cartoonishly slick mayor getting voted out of office.  “Yay!” the movie seems to proclaim, “Sucks about the poisoned water but at least everyone got to bond and now we have proof that democracy works and the government really does care!”

(There’s even two scenes where a city councilman tells the activists to keep fighting, the movie’s way of saying, “See!  Not all politicians are bad!”)

Oh well.  I don’t want to be too critical because, while the movie may have been strictly by-the-numbers, it at least tried to remind people about what’s going on in Flint.  That’s certainly more than the national media’s doing these days.

Cleaning out the DVR: My Daughter Is Missing (dir by Tamar Halpern)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is not just watching horror movies!  She is also trying to clean out her DVR!  She has got over 200 movies that she needs to watch before January 1st!  Will she make it?  Keep checking here to find out!  She recorded My Daughter Is Missing off of Lifetime on June 25th!)

My Daughter Is Missing and Liam Neeson is nowhere to be seen!

Fortunately, Sara (Miranda Raison) was in Belgrade when her daughter was kidnapped by a Serbian human trafficking ring.  Even more importantly, Sara is a former computer hacker and, in the world of Lifetime, there is literally nothing that the internet cannot do.

Need to view the security footage of your daughter being kidnapped from the club?

Use the internet!

Need to find out who is behind human trafficking in Eastern Europe?

Use the internet!

Need to figure out who you can trust or who you can’t?

The internet will explain all!

The other thing about Lifetime films is that mom will always be proven right.  Sara told her daughter to be careful.  Her daughter wasn’t and now, she’s about to be sold to the highest bidder.  Sara told the cops that her daughter had been kidnapped.  The cops didn’t believe her and now Sara’s going to find the proof on her own.  Fortunately, she knows how to use a computer and, as we’ve already established, computers are magic.

To be honest, Sara really should have been named “Mary Sue” because she is one of the biggest Mary Sues that I’ve ever seen on Lifetime.  Not only does she have a tragic and dramatic backstory but the main theme of the movie appears to be that everyone in the entire world is stupid except for Sara.  Whenever Sara uses the internet to prove everyone wrong, you can be sure that at least one person is going to say, “No one should ever have doubted you, Sara.”

(My favorite part of the movie is when Sara tracks down the web site for the auction and all the “hackers” standing behind her gasp in amazement and say stuff like, “She’s on the dark web.”)

Anyway, this movie was shot on location in Belgrade.  That does add a little authenticity to the film, though it doesn’t last long.  There’s a line towards the end of the film, where a sympathetic character points out that there’s more to Belgrade than just political corruption and sex rings.  That was nice of him to say because, otherwise, the movie probably isn’t going to do much for the tourism industry.

I ended up throwing a high heel in the direction of the TV while I was watching My Daughter Is Missing.  That’s my favorite way of expressing displeasure.  I guess the plot of My Daughter Is Missing would be intriguing if I had never seen Taken but I have seen Taken and this movie was a pure substitute.  Not only is the plot predictable but Sara is literally too perfect.  It’s hard not to get annoyed with her — and only her — being right all the time while every other person in the movie was portrayed as being either evil or willfully ignorant.  By the end of the movie, I was expecting someone to declare, “You’re the best mom ever!”

I should admit, however, that the movie didn’t go that far.  Maybe they’re saving it for the sequel.

 

Cleaning Out The DVR: One Small Indiscretion (dir by Lauro Chartrand)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is not just watching horror movies!  She is also trying to clean out her DVR!  She has got over 200 movies that she needs to watch before January 1st!  Will she make it?  Keep checking here to find out!  She recorded One Small Indiscretion off of Lifetime Movie Network on September 2nd!)

I learned a few things from watching One Small Indiscretion.

First off, and most importantly, I learned that there is no such thing as a “small” indiscretion.  In this film, Caroline (Ashley Winters) has a brief affair while separated from her husband, Sam (Cru Ennis).  When Caroline and Sam get back together, she tries to forget that the whole thing even happened.  Six years later, Caroline tells her best friend that she isn’t even sure what eventually became of her former lover.  However, we know that he ended up killing both himself and his alcoholic wife.  For Caroline, it was a small indiscretion but, for a little girl named Elle, it was a tragedy that took away her parents.

Secondly, if you work hard and marry well, you can eventually live in a really big house that has a pool, a jacuzzi, and a guest house.  However, if you work too hard, all of the romance will go out of your marriage and soon, you won’t even be using the pool after a couple of years.

Third, if you own a guest house, you are required by the laws of plot contrivance to rent it out.

Fourth, if you do rent out your guest house, there’s a good chance that it will lead to someone from the past tracking you down.  In this case, it’s Elle (Tiera Skovbye).  Elle is now 21 years old and eager to avenge the death of her parents but destroying Caroline’s life.  Though she may be young, Elle is already an evil genius.

Actually, I guess it’s debatable as to whether or not Elle is that smart.  It’s entirely possible that Elle only seems smart because everyone else in the movie is incredibly stupid.  From the minute Elle moves into that guest house, she’s manipulating and seducing.  She’s taking naked midnight swims.  She’s encouraging Caroline and Sam’s son, Logan (Johnny Visotcky), to skip college.  She doesn’t make much of an effort to hide what she’s trying to do and yet, Caroline soon decides that Elle is going to be her new BFF.  It’s actually kind of hard not to be on Elle’s side.  Elle’s methods may be extreme and she does get more and more psycho as the movie unfolds but Caroline and Sam are so bourgeois that it’s difficult to have much sympathy for them.  Add to that, Elle’s an artist.  She draws.  If you side with the non-artists over the the artist, that means you’re doing life wrong.

But back to what I learned from One Small Indiscretion:

Fifth, it’s not that difficult to bug a house.

Sixth, search engines are like magic.

Seventh, it’s easy to knock people out.

Eighth, Canada is a beautiful country.

Anyway, One Small Indiscretion is a thoroughly predictable Lifetime film.  The best role in these films is always the psycho and Tiera Skovbye plays Elle as if even she can’t believe how stupid everyone else in the film is.  Elle is having so much fun being evil that you can’t help but be happy that she received the opportunity.  She may be the villain but you’ll totally be Team Elle when you watch One Small Indiscretion.

Cleaning Out The DVR: New York Prison Break: The Seduction of Joyce Mitchell (dir by Stephen Tolkin)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is not just watching horror movies!  She is also trying to clean out her DVR!  She has got over 200 movies that she needs to watch before January 1st!  Will she make it?  Keep checking here to find out!  She recorded New York Prison Break: The Seduction of Joyce Mitchell off of Lifetime on April 23rd!)

“That is some hard wood.”

— Joyce Mitchell (Penelope Ann Miller) in New York Prison Break: The Seduction of Joyce Mitchell (2017)

Why would Joyce Mitchell, a middle-aged wife and mother, help two convicted murderers escape from a prison in upstate New York?

That was the question that everyone was asking in 2015, even though everyone already knew what the answer probably was.  (Bad boys are sexy.  Murderers are the ultimate bad boys.  Plus, Joyce Mitchell appeared to be a little bit crazy and a little bit stupid.)  After breaking out of Clinton Correctional Facility, both Richard Matt and David Sweat spent several weeks on the run while Joyce Mitchell was briefly both the most hated and the most ridiculed woman in America.  Interestingly, Joyce Mitchell was not the only prison employee to help out the two convicts.  She was just the only woman.

During the manhunt for Sweat and Matt, I did what I usually do.  I made a joke.  I can’t even remember what the joke was but I do remember that it really ticked off some random people on twitter.  Seriously, the way these randos reacted, you would think that I was the one who had helped two killers to escape from prison.

“Certain things are not funny!” they shouted, “CERTAIN THINGS YOU DO NOT JOKE ABOUT!”

(Seriously, can you believe that people could actually get that mad at little old me?  What is this world coming to?)

Anyway, I have to wonder if any of those self-righteous losers watched New York Prison Break: The Seduction of Joyce Mitchell and, if they did, how they reacted to it.  New York Prison Break may sound like a standard Lifetime true crime film but it takes a satiric approach to the material.  If certain people found my relatively innocuous comments to be triggering, I can only imagine how they reacted to a made-for-TV movie that opened with a bloody recreation of Matt and Sweat’s crimes and then segued to a scene of Joyce making breakfast while listening to a trashy romance novel on tape.

As played by Penelope Ann Miller, Joyce is somehow sympathetic, pathetic, annoying, and frightening, all at the same time.  She has a nice house with a perfect kitchen and a husband, Lyle (Daniel Roebuck), who is utterly clueless as to how bored and dissatisfied Joyce has become with her very safe life.  It leaves her open to being manipulated by both David Sweat (Joe Anderson) and Richard Matt (Myk Watford), both of whom drew her into aiding their escape by feigning a romantic interest in her.  While they both encourage Joyce to fantasize about running off with them and starting a new life in Mexico, Lyle’s idea of adventure is to go out for Chinese food.  For Joyce, helping Sweat and Matt escape is like a real-life version of one of her novels.

Though it’s a true story, it’s also a very absurd story.  New York Prison Break emphasizes the strangeness of it all.  Scenes of Joyce and Lyle discussing the ins and outs of fabric softener are mixed with scenes of Sweat and Matt bickering over whether they should go to Canada or to Mexico.  Joyce’s desperate attempts to cover up her own involvement in the escape are contrasted with Sweat and Matt bonding outside of the prison.  Joyce may have been in love with both of them but, as the film makes clear, Sweat and Matt only loved each other.  And, as it eventually turns out, they didn’t even love each other that much…

“Mrs. Mitchell,” one detective asks, “you knew these men murdered and tortured a man and you gave them the means to escape from prison?”

“Everyone says I’m too nice,” Joyce explains.

New York Prison Break is a superior and well-made Lifetime film, distinguished by a quartet of strong performances.  Penelope Ann Miller, Daniel Roebuck, Joe Anderson, and Myk Watford are all at their best and it makes for very compelling viewing.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Open Marriage (dir by Sam Irvin)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is not just watching horror movies!  She is also trying to clean out her DVR!  She has got over 200 movies that she needs to watch before January 1st!  Will she make it?  Keep checking here to find out!  She recorded Open Marriage off of Lifetime on February 4th!)

Sometimes, cleaning out the DVR really does make you feel as if you’ve stepped into a time machine.

Take Open Marriage, for instance.  I recorded this film on February 4th and, as soon as I watched it, I was transported back to those romantic days leading up to Valentine’s Day.  Suddenly, I once again found myself in a time when every other commercial was either for Fifty Shades Darker or Adore Me lingerie.  I was reminded of how, from the beginning of January to the end of March, not a single day went by that I didn’t say to my boyfriend, “You like it too.  Right, babe?”

(If you’ve seen the commercial, you know what I’m talking about.  If not, don’t worry about it.)

Anyway, it’s appropriate that Open Marriage aired in between all of those commercials for Fifty Shades Darker.  Much like the Fifty Shades movies, Open Marriage is one of those films that pretends to be all decadent but which is actually kind of silly.  Ron (Tilky Jones) and Becca (Nikki Leigh) are young, pretty, and married but they’ve got some problems.  Ron recently hurt his back and he’s been out of work for a year.  They’ve got a huge house but they’re struggling financially.  Despite Ron’s big sexy tattoo, there’s no more spark to their marriage.

However, things change when they visit their friends, Mindy (Kelly Dowdle) and Max (Jason Tobias).  Mindy and Max are young, pretty, and married but they don’t spend all of their time fighting.  How is this possible!?  Could it be because they’re rich and have an even bigger house than Ron and Becca?  Or could it be the fact that they have an open marriage?  Ron and Becca may say that they’re skeptical about the whole open marriage thing but they get so turned on by the idea that they have very passionate Lifetime-approved sex right before the first commercial break.

Naturally, all of this leads to the two couples experimenting with each other.  This means going to a secret club and getting a private room in back.  One of the rules is that the two couples always have to be together but, instead, Becca and Max go off on their own.  Ron gets upset and demands an end to all the swinging.  Becca agrees but soon finds herself tempted to return to the club.  The club, by the way, is named Caligula.  I assume that Nero was already taken.

Anyway, I liked Open Marriage because it offered up three of my favorite things: trashy sex, trashy lingerie, and trashy melodrama.  On the one hand, the movie is totally ludicrous and kind of silly.  On the other hand, it’s so totally over the top that it’s impossible not to be amused and entertained by it all.  If nothing else, Open Marriage was better than Fifty Shades Darker so let’s give credit where credit is due.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Give Me My Baby (dir by Danny J. Boyle)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is not only watching horror films this month!  She is also busy trying to clean out her DVR.  She has got over 170 movies recorded and waiting to be watched.  Can she view all of them by January 1st?  Keep checking here to find out!  Lisa recorded Give Me My Baby off of the Lifetime Movie Network on May 13th!)

“Layla, are you okay?  Where is Dad going?”

“To Hell.”

That right there is the type of melodramatic and over the top dialogue that runs through every minute of Give Me My Baby, which is quite possibly one of the funniest films that I’ve ever seen on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Give Me My Baby tells the story of Layla (Kelly Sullivan), who spends her days creating new scents for perfume and who has a lot to deal with.  For instance, she’s just entered into a partnership with a self-centered reality TV star named Shannon (Brooke Hogan).  Shannon wants to sell a perfume called Scorched but Layla talks her into calling it Sizzle instead.  Her second husband, Nate (Gabriel Hogan), is a former pro golfer who blew out his knee when he fell out of a golf cart and who still occasionally struggles to maintain his sobriety.  Her stepdaughter, Allison (Laura Hand), has just dropped out of college and has moved back into her old room.  However, the majority of Layla’s stress has to do with her desire to have a baby, despite the fact that, as Allison puts it, “You guys are old.”

Fortunately, Layla and Nate are clients of one of the best fertility doctors around.  Dr. Hartlin (Sofia Milos) may not be cheap (and the film’s script makes a very specific point of saying that her treatment is not covered by insurance) but she seems to sincerely care about her patients.  In fact, she might care too much.  When Layla goes shopping, she just happens to run into Dr. Hartlin.  When Nate is giving golf lessons, Dr. Hartlin just happens to show up.  When Layla wonders why she’s so emotional and temperamental when she isn’t even pregnant yet, Dr. Hartlin tells her that it’s nothing to worry about.  But one day, Nate arrives home and Layla not only smells the scent of booze on his breath.  She also smells the scent of Dr. Hartlin on all of Nate’s clothes…

It turns out that, long ago, Dr. Hartlin used to know Nate.  In fact, she and Nate even had a date or two.  Nate is shocked to discover that Dr. Hartlin is the same girl that he used to know as “Cee Cee.”  Dr. Hartlin explains she had a good deal of plastic surgery after a car accident, the same accident that caused her to have a miscarriage many years ago…

“I’m not going to hurt you.  I just want my baby.”

“It’s my baby.”

“No, it’s my baby.”

“BACK OFF OR THERE WON’T BE ANY BABY!” 

*Layla points a knife at her own stomach*

That’s just another example of the dialogue in Give Me My Baby.  Seriously, this is one of the most batshit insane films that I’ve ever seen on Lifetime.  I wouldn’t necessarily call it good but it’s so crazy that you’ll never forget it.  Sofia Milos goes so over the top as Dr. Hartlin that there’s a chance she might never return to Earth.

That said, my favorite character was Allison. As played by Laura Hand, Allison had a sarcastic attitude about everything.  Even when she was being helpful and trying to protect her stepmother, she still came across like she was annoyed about having to make the effort.  I totally saw myself in Allison.  Someone needs to give Allison a show of her own.

Cleaning Out The DVR: The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is not just devoting all of her time to horror movies this month!  She is also trying to clean out her DVR.  She has recorded over 170 movies this year and she needs to watch all of them before January 1st!  Will she make it?  Keep checking this site to find out!  Lisa recorded The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit off of the Lifetime Movie Network on June 2nd.)

Now, this is just frustrating!

When you sit down to watch a movie called The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit, I think you’re justified in thinking that the majority of the movie is going to take place in a bed (perhaps even the wrong bed, which I guess would mean that it has a lumpy mattress or a lice-infected pillow something).  I think you’re also justified in expecting that everyone’s going to be naked for the majority of the movie.  As for the pursuit — well, pursuit can mean anything.  Maybe the two naked people in the wrong bed are pursuing pleasure or enlightenment.  Maybe they’re pursuing the ultimate high of sexually decadent ennui.  Who knows?

Well, The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit does open with Stella (Jewel Statie) and Owen (Corey Sevier) waking up naked in bed and handcuffed together.  However, it’s not the wrong bed.  It’s just a hotel bed and it looks like a pretty nice hotel, too!  Both Owen and Stella are naked but that only lasts for about ten minutes.  Eventually, they get out of bed and manage to get partially dressed.  And while I appreciate the fact that the film is honest about the difficult of putting on a bra while handcuffed to another person (because, seriously, it’s not as easy as the movie’s usually make it look), that still doesn’t change the fact that the title specifically promised us a naked pursuit in the wrong bed.

Now, I should admit that the title is honest about the pursuit part.  When Owen and Stella wake up, they have no memory of how they met or eventually ended up in bed together.  However, they do know that someone is chasing them.  They spend the entire movie running around Canada, trying not to get caught by the usual collection of men in suits and uniforms.  Occasionally, Stella has flashes of memory.  She sees herself strapped down to a gurney with a scientist named Larissa (Lisa Berry) preparing to give her a shot.  She realizes that she and her best friend tried to earn some extra money by taking part in some sort of clinical study.  However, something went wrong…

Stella and Owen try to retrace their steps.  It turns out that they both got pretty wild the night before they woke up in the not-so wrong bed.  They ever started a riot at a bowling alley.  Even more importantly, they find the time to stop by Owen’s house.  Owen, who says that he’s a fireman, lives in an impressively big house.  That’s Lifetime, though.  Everyone gets a mansion, regardless of what they do for a living.

Anyway, once I got over the misleading title, The Wrong Bed turned out to be a pretty entertaining little movie.  It was directed by Monika Mitchell, who has done several Lifetime movies and who can always be depended on to keep the action moving quickly.  Things got a little bit silly once Owen and Stella discovered why they were being pursued but no matter! Jewel Statie and Corey Sevier had chemistry and Sevier looked good without his shirt on.

It all worked out.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Nanny Nightmare (directed by Brian Herzlinger)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Along with everything else that she’s trying to get done this month, Lisa is also trying to make some progress in getting her DVR cleaned out!  She has currently got over 170 things recorded and they’re all going to be erased on January 1st, regardless of whether she’s watched all of them or not.  That’s just the way things work in the Bowman household.  Will she manage to watch everything before the year ends?  Keep checking here to find out!  Anyway, she recorded 2017’s Nightmare Nanny off of the Lifetime Movie Network on June 16th.)

If there’s anything that I’ve learned from watching Lifetime movies, it’s that anyone who actually wants to spend time with children (especially babies) is a fucking psycho.

Seriously, I’ve lost track of the number of Lifetime films that have dealt with a crazy babysitter, nanny, teacher, step-parent, foster child, or an obsessed neighbor.  They all tend to start out the same way, with a large and tastefully decorated house.  Inside the house, a woman thinks that she can have it all: a career, a family, and an outspoken, take-no-bullshit best friend who likes to drink wine.  Sometimes, the woman is a single mother.  If she’s divorced or separated, her husband is still not quite out of the picture.  If she’s widowed, then she still has to deal with a pushy in-law who doesn’t think that she’s spending enough time at home.  If she’s still married, her husband is a jerk who spends all of his time at the office with his attractive administrative assistant.

Married, divorced, or widowed, she has at least two children to take care of.  It’s not easy trying to balance it all.  But then suddenly, someone shows up.  Sometimes, it’s a neighbor who is just a little too friendly.  Sometimes, it’s a nanny who has been hired because of “impeccable” (and forged) credentials.  Whoever it is, they always say that they love children.  They imagine it probably has something to do with their own dysfunctional childhood.  They just want to find a place to belong.  And so, this stranger is hired and entrusted with the safety of the household.

It’s always a mistake.  No one is every truly helpful in a Lifetime movie and the more perfect someone seems to be, the more likely that person is going to turn out to be a raving psycho.  Unfortunately, the characters in Lifetime movies appear to have never watched television.  If they had, they would know better than to trust anyone who claims to love children.

Seriously, children are the worst.

Take Nanny Nightmare, for instance.  Nanny Nightmare follows the formula without deviation and it’s hard not to feel that, if only Lauren (Erin Cahill) had watched a Lifetime movie or two, she could have avoided a lot of drama.  She would have known that her husband (Brady Smith) was being framed when she found pictures of his half-naked assistant on his phone.  She also would have known better than to trust her neighbor, Owen (Jake Manley), when he said that he loved children.

But she did trust him and, before you know it, Owen is installing spy cameras all over the house and trying to trick Lauren into falling in love with him.  Owen has finally found a family and he’s determined to never let them go!  (Hell. he’s even get a candle-lit altar that’s decorated with pictures of Lauren.  That’s determination.)

As I said, it’s pretty much a standard Lifetime movie but I did like Jake Manley’s performance as Owen.  I liked the fact that Owen was obviously psychotic and yet, no one seemed to notice.  Even when he attacks the neighbor’s lawn mower with a baseball bat, no one seems to be particularly perturbed.  Then again, isn’t that the way things usually work in real life?  If you have to choose between asking someone if they’re crazy or just trying to ignore the weirdness all around you, most people will go for the latter option.

That’s one reason to keep an eye out for evidence of a psychotic disposition before you invite someone to come live in your house.  Seriously, if anyone says that they enjoy being around children, get out of there.

Thank you, Lifetime, for reminding us to stay vigilant.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #171: Ten: Murder Island (dir by Chris Robert)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, Drink Slay Love was not the only Lifetime premiere that I watched.  I also watched Ten Murder Island!

Why Was I Watching It?

The obvious answer, of course, is that it was on Lifetime and, whenever I review a Lifetime film, this site gets an upsurge in clicks.

But, beyond that, I liked the commercials for Ten: Murder Island.  They looked moody and atmospheric.  When I read that the movie was about ten people being stalked and murdered on an island, I immediately was reminded of Harper Island, a.k.a. the scariest TV show ever.  How could I not watch, right?

What Was It About?

Ten teenagers have gathered at a house that’s located on an isolated island.  They’re throwing a weekend party but a storm not only knocks out all the power but also everyone’s phone signal.  Add to that, someone on the island is killing everyone, one by one.  Uh-oh!

Why are they being targeted?  Does it have anything to do with Claire Hicks, an unpopular student who committed suicide shortly after homecoming?  Considering that pages ripped from her journal keep appearing at every murder scene, that would seem to be a safe bet.  Will the smart and studious (and kinda boring) Meg (China Anne McClain) be able to figure out what’s happening before everyone’s dead?  And will her pseudo-boyfriend TJ (Rome Flynn) ever come clean about what happened at homecoming?

What Worked?

Both the house and the island were well-chosen locations and, visually, the film had a memorably spooky atmosphere.  If nothing else, while you were watching Ten, you were convinced that anyone could die at any moment.  No one seemed to be safe.  The deaths themselves were, for a Lifetime film, surprisingly graphic and rather mean-spirited.  This killer wasn’t missing around.

I especially liked the flashback scenes that accompanied the reading of Claire’s journals.  They were well-handled, with everyone’s face literally scratched out and obscured, keeping you guessing as to who Claire was writing about.

What Did Not Work?

As I watched Ten: Murder Island, I couldn’t help but be bothered by the fact that no one on the island really seemed to be that upset by the fact that all of their friends were being brutally and gruesomely murderer.  Meg and TJ would get upset whenever they stumbled across a body but, in the very next scene, they would be laughing and flirting and teasing each other about homecoming.

This movie also featured a truly cringeworthy line that was uttered right after Meg learned the terrible truth about what happened at homecoming.  After learning about a truly terrible thing that happened, Meg turns to TJ and exclaims, in all sincerity, “I didn’t realize I meant that much to you!”  Now, I can’t say too much without spoiling the movie but, just to indicate how inappropriate this response felt, this is what I tweeted as soon as I heard the line:

I mean, it’s generally accepted that the majority of characters in a movie like this are going to be douchebags but Ten: Murder Island really abused the privilege.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I totally related to Kumiko (Annie Q), who was the sarcastic girl who had no hesitation about accusing Meg of being a murderer and who seemed to be more annoyed than terrified by the all the lethal drama going on around her.

Lessons Learned

There’s only one Harper’s Island.