What did I watch last night? I watched A Friend of the Family, a 2007 film that shows up on the Lifetime Movie Network every couple of weeks.
Why Was I Watching It?
Ennui.
What Was It About?
Well, it’s yet another Canadian true crime, exploitation film that has found a second life on Lifetime. Newly weds Allison and Darrin (Laura Harris and Erik Johnson) move to a small town in Canada. Darrin befriends and goes into business with David (Kim Coates) and David is like so obviously a serial killer but Allison is the only one who notices. And then, when Allison attempts to let people know that David’s the one who has been killing all the blonde waitresses in town, everyone responds by saying that she’s the one who is being silly and emotional!
What Worked
It all worked! Well, okay, not all of it but enough of it worked that I had fun curling up on the couch and watching it. Laura Harris was a sympathetic heroine (and she played her character with just a hint of instability so you wondered sometimes if maybe she was just imagining it all), Kim Coates was creepy in that Kim Coates way, and Erik Johnson — Oh. My. God. So. Cute.
Add to that, I could relate to this film. Nobody believed me when I said the janitor in high school was a serial killer and I’m still pretty sure I was right about that.
What Didn’t Work?
You know what? It all worked, as far as I’m concerned.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
There were several, most of them having to do with Alison’s struggle to get people to listen to what she was saying. Seriously, men need to lean how to shut up and listen when it comes to potential serial killers living next door.
Lessons Learned
The main lesson was the same one that’s taught by most Lifetime movies: If you ever think the guy next door might be obsessed with you and plotting to kill you, take the law in your own hands. Seriously, all the men in your life are worthless when it comes to these situations.
It’s been too long since I did a What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night post so allow me to correct that by telling you about what I watched last night. Last night, I turned on the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched a future classic — Doug Campbell’s Betrayed at 17.
Why was I watching It?
I was watching it for two reasons. First off, I’m an unapologetic admirer of director Doug Campbell’s previous film, Accused at 17. I’m hoping that Campbell will go the trilogy route and give us a Convicted at 17 at some point in the near future. Secondly, this film was on the Lifetime Movie Network and I love LMN.
What Was It About?
Okay, there was a lot of plot to deal with here. The film starts out with scummy high school football player Greg (Andy Fischer-Price) seducing insecure virgin Lexi (Amanda Bauer) and secret recording the encounter on his laptop because, apparently, that’s the type of terrible things that 17 year-old boys do. Anyway, Greg’s got an ex-girlfriend named Carleigh (Katie Gill) and we know that Carleigh has some issues because she’s blonde, rich, drives a convertible, and says stuff to Lexi like: “I nearly ran your fat ass over.” Well, Carleigh finds out about the sex tape and gets so upset that she uploads the video to YouTube and soon, the whole school is watching it and Lexi gets so upset that she runs out into the middle of the street and gets run over by a truck.
So far, we’ve got the makings of a typical anti-bullying polemic and the film seems to be going down that route as Lexi’s mom (Alexandra Paul) demands justice for her daughter. However, then the film takes a sudden turn and just goes freaking crazy! See, Greg is feeling guilty about his part in Lexi’s death so Carleigh shows up with a gun and kills him! Then she steals Greg’s wallet and uses it to frame Lexi’s drug addict older brother (Shane Ross). So, Lexi’s mom and Greg’s mom (Paula Trickey) team up to try to take Carleigh down.
By the way, did I mention that Carleigh’s Dad is apparently in the Mafia? Well, I’m not sure if he actually is but he certainly acts like he is…
Seriously, this is a deceptively simple movie that’s really quite odd and compulsively watchable in the best Lifetime tradition.
What Worked?
In many ways, this film epitomized everything that I love about a good Lifetime film. It took a serious issue (bullying, in this case) and then explored it in the most melodramatic, over-the-top, tawdry, and silly way possible.
Just the title itself — Betrayed at 17 — is genius. Seriously, when you’re 17, everything is such a drama! Or at least it was for me. And I can remember that everything — and I do mean everything — was framed through the lenses of nonstop, over-the-top melodrama. Whether it was some other girl talking to “my man” or my best friend failing to answer her phone or any of the countless arguments that I had with my mom over things that seem so amazingly unimportant now, it was always all about being and feeling betrayed.
Finally, while this film is full of histrionic dialogue, there’s one scene that manages to perfectly capture the excruciating awkwardness of being in love when you’re in your teens. Greg, while admiring Lexi’s legs, asks her about a scar. “I cut myself shaving,” Lexi replies. Now, believe it or not, I had almost the exact same conversation when I was 17 and this film got it right.
What Didn’t Work?
Well, originally this looked like it was going to be yet another mawkish, if well-intentioned anti-bullying polemic but once people started drawing guns on each other and desperately trying to take out security cameras, it all worked. This was two hours of pure, silly Lifetime goodness.
“OMG! Just like me!” Moment:
Oh my God, a few! Listen, what 17 year-old girl didn’t get filmed having sex with a jock or accidentally end up shooting her ex-boyfriend? Seriously, that’s just a part of growing up.
Lessons Learned:
1) Guns are dangerous. So are videos of your ex having sex with some other girl. Put them together and inevitably, someone’s going to end up dead.
2) Fortunately, it’s apparently very easy and simple to frame someone for murder. So, if you haven’t done it yet, hurry up before things get complicated.
Last night, I was feeling sad so I went to the handy DVR and I watched a movie that I recorded off of the Lifetime Movie Network on Memorial Day — the unacknowledged classic piece of Americana, The Babysitter’s Seduction!
Why Was I Watching It?
Oh. My. God! How could I not watch it? This apparently first came out way back in 1996 but it shows up on the Lifetime Movie Network like every six months or so and I make it a point to either watch it or at least DVR it every time it’s scheduled because seriously, this is like my favorite Lifetime movie of all time!
What’s It About?
Oh my God…okay, check this one out. So Kerri Russell is like this babysitter and she’s been hired to watch over the children of Stephen Collins who is the multimillionaire with a beautiful home and a wife who has had so many facelifts that her face just looks like wax. Kerri’s in high school here and she has a boyfriend who looks like he’s about 30 because he’s got a receding hairline and a big old widow’s peak but he’s still in high school too. Uhmm…remedial much?
So, anyway, one day, Kerri takes the kids out to the public pool and then she realizes that she left something behind at the house so she goes back and, oh my God!, Stephen Collins’s wife is lying dead on the kitchen floor with a gun in her hand. Is it suicide? Well, that’s what a police inspector played by Tobin Bell has to figure out. Turns out that Tobin is also best buddies with Stephen but he’s still got to do his job because it quickly becomes obvious that Mrs. Stephen Collins didn’t actually commit suicide. It all has to do with powder residue and a whole lot of other CSI-type stuff.
Anyway, it’s kinda obvious that Stephen Collins killed his wife but nobody notices because they’re too busy gossiping about how he’s now secretly sleeping with the babysitter. Kerri Russell tells everyone that she’s in love with Stephen Collins but little does she realize that Stephen Collins is busy trying to frame her for his wife’s murder.
Anyway, eventually the center cannot hold and things falls apart…
What Worked?
Okay, so basically, here we have a film where the Rev. Camden frames Felicity for murder and it’s up to the Jigsaw Killer to find the truth. That right there is what we call a harmonic convergence of pop culture. This film needs to be seen for this reason, if nothing else.
Also, the Babysitter’s Seduction is one of those films that succeeds by taking its formula to the most logical extreme and then taking another step or two forward. Hence, not only is the babysitter seduced but she’s just about brainwashed. Not only is Stephen Collins evil but, as the film reaches it conclusion, we come to realize that he’s actually the equivalent of that evil mayor from the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean, seriously — there’s nothing this guy can’t do! How, where, and when did he learn to be so evil!?
Finally, this is another one of those movies where nobody delivers a line without taking a dramatic pause in the middle of the sentence. For instance, the dead wife’s secret love introduced himself by saying, “I’m Paul Richards….I. Was. Sally’s. Lover.” Now, I have to admit that I’ve often been told that I have a tendency to 1) talk too much and 2) talk too fast and, as a result, sometimes it’s difficult to follow my train of thought. And to those who say that, I say, “Fuck you.” But anyways, after witnessing all of the dramatic pauses in this film and seeing how they helped to turn a 30-minute sitcom into a 2-hour movie, I am now much more open to the idea of adding. Pointless. Pauses. To. Everything. I. Say. From. Now. On.
Also, this film demonstrates how — if you’re in a pinch and you don’t have anything else — panties can be a handy substitute for handcuffs. So, if your boyfriend can’t quite figure out how to pull that particular quirk off, this movie serves as a nice training film for him and as 2 hours of Lifetime goodness for you.
What Didn’t Work?
Obviously, if the babysitter wasn’t an idiot then there wouldn’t be a film. But seriously, this babysitter was really an idiot. Okay — since I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea from this movie, I’ll just go ahead and say it — if the wife of your employer shows up on the kitchen floor with a bullet in her head, do not respond by having sex with your employer. It’s just not going to look good.
There’s also a scene where Kerri Russell’s bra changes color from shot to shot. Seriously, that’s just carelessness.
“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moments
You know, I always wanted to babysit but I never got too. My older sisters all got to babysit me at one time or another but one of the drawbacks of being the baby of the family is that there was no one younger than me for me to watch. Then again, being the baby also meant that I got spoiled rotten so I can’t complain too much.
However, there was one moment I could really relate too and that was when Kerri Russell told her concerned mother, “I don’t have an attitude…you do!” I used to say that all the time! The key to delivering the line — which Kerri nails, by the way — is to wait three beats before raising up your chin half an inch, looking down the slope of your nose and saying, “…you do.” Ha! In your face, judgmental authority figure!
Also, despite never getting to be a babysitter, I did once secretly have an older lover who murdered his wife but shhhh…don’t tell anyone.
Lessons Learned
If you’re employer kills his wife, wait a few months before having sex with him. Otherwise, it just looks bad.
Last night, I watched on old movie on the Lifetime Movie Network. The name of that movie? Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?
Why Was I Watching It?
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? pops up on the Lifetime Movie Network like constantly and it’s always advertised as “the cult classic: Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?” Now, to be honest, the entire Lifetime Movie Network is something of a cult classic but Mother, May I Sleep With Danger is the only film shown on that network that is actually advertised as being “a cult classic.” I mean, even something like Confessions of a Go Go Girl is usually advertised as if it’s a perfectly normal, totally serious movie. Therefore, I figured, if even Lifetime realizes that Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? is a cult film then it must be the most culty cult film ever made.
Plus, just from the title, I think I was justified in assuming that at some point, someone would be heard to utter the line, “Mother, may I sleep with danger?” In fact, beyond the whole cult film thing, that was actually my main reason for watching the movie. I wanted to hear that line so I could clap my hands and yell, “We have a title!”
Seriously, I was really looking forward to that.
What’s It About?
Laurel (played by Tori Spelling, who looks like a Modigliani painting in this film) is a college student who has an overprotective mother (Lisa Banes, who has a great first name) and who is recovering from an eating disorder. Anyway, Laurel is also a competitive runner and she’s got a chance to go study abroad in China. However, she also has a really possessive boyfriend named Kevin (played by an actor named Ivan Sergei) and soon Kevin is running her life. Obviously, he’s dangerous and Laurel’s mother soon starts to dislike him. Laurel gets mad at her mom before even asking if she can sleep with danger. Anyway, Kevin eventually ends up locking Laurel up in a cabin that has 8 cross-shaped windows but ony one door.
What Worked?
The genius of this film was that nothing worked. Absolutely nothing. Here’s just a few of the more memorable lines from the film:
“Sex, mother! The word is sex! Sex!”
“You will protect me from everyone and anything now, right? (giggle) Bye!”
“When I don’t see you, I bleed to death.”
“You don’t want me to climb a tower with a gun, do you?”
“I just never learned to trust love.”
“It’s gonna to take the type of time that breaks down mountains.”
And my personal favorite:
“If you’re lying to me, I’ll know by the way you make love to me.” (And let me just say, boys — nothing gets my panties on the floor quicker than hearing something like that. Seriously, the idea of using fucking as a lie detector is one that needs to be explored. It would certainly make daytime television more interesting.)
As the psycho boyfriend, Ivan Sergei gives a performance that would seem to indicate that somebody held a gun to his head and yelled, “ACT! NOW!” I mean, seriously, I’ve dated a few guys who, in retrospect, I shouldn’t have, but even silly, little naive me knows that if a guy can’t stop twitching and stammers nervously whenever you ask him about his past, chances are that the guy has some issues. Watching Sergei’s performance here, you ask yourself, “What type of stupid moron would actually go out with this loser?”
Then you remember that this film stars Tori Spelling. As I mentioned earlier, Tori does not look her best in this film but oh my God, I don’t even know where to begin. I mean, I don’t want to be all catty here but seriously — when your head is that much bigger than the rest of your body, you’ve got some issues.
When we first see Tori, she’s debating Daisy Miller with a college professor and, amazingly enough, her comments about Daisy Miller’s fate manages to neatly parallel what happens in the movie. It’s amazing how that happens. Anyway, once English class is finished, Tori goes running across campus in the most horrid combination of black running capris and purple sports bra ever. Now, I have to admit that I started running a few months ago. It helps with my asthma and it’s something that I’ve grown to really enjoy but I always feel a little insecure while running because I’m also something of a klutz. However, seeing Tori Spelling — with her gigantic head and her stick-like body — running around in that tacky purple outfit with her chicken-like arms and spindly legs flying all over the place, it filled me with all sorts of confidence. From now on, if I feel insecure, I’ll be able to say, “At least I don’t look like Tori Spelling in Mother, May I Sleep With Danger.”
The mother of the title is played by Lisa Banes. Her best moment comes when she finds out that Tori is planning on spending the summer in Guatemala with Ivan Sergei instead of studying abroad in China. She bulges her eyes and literally spits out the line, “GUATEMALA!? WHAT ABOUT CHINA!?”
What Didn’t Work?
Not once did Tori Spelling or Ivan Sergei say, “Mother, may I sleep with Danger?” Not once! Seriously, I sat there for 2 hours waiting to hear that said so that I could clap and cheer and be all cute about it.
“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moment
There’s a scene where Tori is running across campus and she almost knocks over a few extras with her flying arms. Back when I was dancing, I did the same thing a few times. Though in my defense, if those other people hadn’t been in my way, they wouldn’t have gotten kicked.
Lessons Learned
There were several lessons learned. One of them was that if you’re boyfriend twitches constantly, lies about his identity, and responds to questions about his day by breaking plates, don’t agree to go to an isolated cabin with him. If you do, however, make sure that isolated cabin has a random canoe sitting nearby. Seriously, that canoe is important.
The main lesson, I learned, however is not to ever allow myself to be filmed while running because, 20 years later, some snotty little bitch might see the footage and write a blog post making fun of me.
On Friday night, after we saw the movie Hanna, a friend Jeff and I returned back to my house and retreated to my bedroom where he eventually fell asleep and I tried to sleep. Insomnia, however, won out and I ended up watching a Lifetime horror movie called The Haunting on Sorority Row.
Why Was I Watching It?
I couldn’t get to sleep. Poor me. So, I turned on the TV, checked out what was on the DVR, and as soon as I saw The Haunting of Sorority Row, I knew what I had to do. Somehow, I forgot that, regardless of how low I turned down the sound the last time I was watching it, whenever I turn on my TV, the volume is always reset to full blast. So, as soon as I hit play, the TV literally thundered to life and woke up not only Jeff but probably the rest of the neighborhood as well.
As I frantically turned down the volume, Jeff sat up in bed and asked, “What’s this?”
“It’s a movie,” I said, “Sorry, I couldn’t sleep.”
“I bet it’s a horror film,” he said.
“Yeah,” I nodded. Then I looked over my shoulder, gave him my wicked little smile (well, I like to think of it as being my wicked little smile), and I added, “It’s a Lifetime horror film.”
“Oh,” he replied, sounding much less enthusiastic.
Anyway, The Haunting of Sorority Row put him back to sleep in about five minutes. Me, I still haven’t slept which is why I’m still sitting here in my beloved Pirates t-shirt while Jeff peacefully sleeps behind me. Maybe after I finish writing this, I’ll give sleep another chance.
What’s The Movie About?
It’s about a haunting on sorority row. More specifically, it’s about a really angry ghost who is determined to kill the four sorority sisters who are hiding a secret. Their ringleader is Leslie who is played by an actress named Lisa Marie Caruk. And that’s a great name. Anyway, Blair Waldorf herself, Leighton Meester, is also pledging this haunted sorority and she is determined to set things right.
What Worked?
Oh, this is a Lifetime Movie so everything worked. I mean, you know what you’re getting with Lifetime and part of the reason why we love Lifetime movies is because they’re all exactly the same. The perfect Lifetime Movie is the epitome of a stupid movie that can be best enjoyed by intelligent women with a healthy sense of the absurd. I’d like to think that I qualify on all three of those.
That said, there were a few things that worked even if you decided to ignore the fact that they were found in a Lifetime film. Not surprisingly, the nearly-all female cast was a lot more likable and their roles were a bit more developed than you’d expect to find in a horror film. Leighton Meester is probably one of the most underrated actresses working right now and she does a great job playing the film’s “final girl” while Lisa Marie Caruk has a lot of fun playing the bullying head of the Sorority.
Another thing that worked here was the great pleasure that I got out of imagining how many of you guys rented this film thinking it was a typical, Dead Women In Lingerie Slasher Film just to discover that it was instead a Lifetime movie.
What Didn’t Work?
This film works pretty well as a Lifetime movie but it totally sucks as a horror film. A lot of this is due to the fact that this is a TV movie which pretty much means that it can’t really show anything that would scare us.
As often happens in Lifetime movies, the main character’s boyfriend is a eunuch. In this one, we’re asked to believe that an 18 year-old boy would refuse to have premarital sex with Leighton Meester. Yeah, right. Because boys have so much self-control…
Finally, this is another one of those films that suffers from having a final twist that’s so obvious that most viewers will figure it out before the movie even begins. Yes, it’s that obvious.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
There’s a scene in which one of the unfortunately sorority sisters ends up getting trapped in the shower and scalded to death by hot water. This is scene vaguely disturbed me because 1) I’m claustrophobic, 2) I have a fear of scalding water, and 3) I’ve actually managed to get trapped in a shower before and I had to scream and scream until someone heard me, ran into the bathroom, and told me that I needed to pull (as opposed to pushing) the shower door in order to open it. Of course, my hands and arms were too busy trying to cover up me for me to take his advice on the door. So, I said. “Thank you. sir,” and then waited until he left.
Otherwise, it was hard for me to relate to this film because I never pledged nor did I ever want to pledge a sorority in college. I was actually invited to do so by one of them but, at the time, I said, “No, that’s way too bourgeois for me.”
“Bourgeois?” she replied, confused.
Lessons Learned
I definitely did the right thing by never joining a sorority.
So, late, late last night, I was laying in bed, trying to get to sleep when I suddenly remembered that I had earlier recorded a movie called Confessions of a Go-Go Girl off of the Lifetime Movie Network. So I turned on the TV and I started watching, hoping that the movie would simply calm my racing mind and help me get to sleep. Instead, I found myself sitting up in bed for the next two hours, totally enraptured with this film.
After the first few minutes, I started to scream until my sister Erin woke up and rushed into my room. “What’s going on!?” she asked. “Erin,” I replied, “you have to watch this movie with me!” Erin stared at me for a few minutes before replying, “Oh my God, Lisa,” and then walking out of the room. So, after that, I started to call random friends, telling them about this movie. Unfortunately, most of them were already asleep since it was like 3 in the morning.
Anyway, long story short — I am really, really tired today! But enough about me. Let’s talk about Confessions of a Go-Go Girl.
Why Was I Watching It?
Okay, my friend Evelyn asked me this same question when I called her up last night at 3 in the morning and tried to convince her to come over and watch this with me. So, as I told her, “Oh. My. God. Are you like kidding me!? Confessions of a Go-Go Girl? How can you not watch it!?”
If I’ve learned anything, it’s that if “Confessions” appears in the title of a movie, there’s about a 75% chance that it’s going to be a lot of fun. And if that “Confessions” movie happens to be a Lifetime movie, than those chances increase to 99%.
Add to that, these aren’t just the confessions of a go-go dancer. No, they are the confessions of a go-go girl. In other words, the whole go-go thing isn’t just a job in this movie. It’s a lifestyle.
What’s It About?
It’s yet another Canadian film that’s found a home on the Lifetime Movie Network. In this one, Jane McCoy (played by Chelsea Hobbs) is a sweet and innocent aspiring actress who, in order to make some extra money, secretly takes a job as a “go-go dancer” at a sleazy bar. Under the influence of an older, cocaine-addicted dancer (played by Sarah Carter), Janet quickly starts a downward spiral of drugs, decadence, and alienation. As her new identity as a go-go girl starts to dominate her life, Jane soon finds herself growing distant from her wealthy family, her boring boyfriend, and her stridently scary drama teacher.
What Worked?
Oh my God, this is like the ultimate Lifetime movie. Over-the-top, melodramatic, awkwardly moralistic, and amazingly silly, Confessions of a Go-Go Girl is a camp masterpiece that simply has to be seen to be believed.
Nothing happens in this movie that you couldn’t predict within the first few minutes. The film’s genius is not that it does anything unexpected. Instead, it’s that it takes the expected to such an extreme. Listen, we all know, from the minute that Jane first dances, that she’s going to eventually end up becoming jaded and cynical. What we could never guess is that it’s pretty much going to happen right after the first dance. It’s kinda like one of those old anti-drug films where all it took was one puff off of a “marijuana cigarette.” One puff and you’re a giggling psycho. One dance and suddenly, your soul fades away. This is the type of film where we know that Jane has become a bad girl because she starts to part her hair down the middle and grow out her bangs.
Plus, as I’ve mentioned so many times before, I love to dance, I love to watch others dance, and if nothing else, this movie had a lot of dancing. Watching this movie, I was surprised to discover that sordid, Canadian go-go clubs apparently are capable of providing Broadway-style dance shows. I mean, I’m not big into strip clubs but, from my experience, most of them just seem to involve a runway, a pole, and a lot of plastic. I mean, it’s fun to grab onto that pole and spin around and go, “Wheeee!” but it’s not exactly exciting to watch (or, at least, it’s not for me). But in Canadian go-go clubs, the dance routines have elaborate costumes, ironic themes, and really impressive lighting. After watching this film, I realized that I really want to move up to Canada and become a go-go dancer. Seriously.
Eventually, Jane is approached by a rival go-go club promoter who tells her that he’s seen her perform and, “I remember you dancing in white panties.” This line highlights the fact that this film is obsessed with underwear. And that’s okay because, honestly, who isn’t? Watching this film reminded me of an ongoing debate that I have going with Erin concerning whether or not fancy, pretty, colorful lingerie more sexy than boring, blah, cotton, white underwear. This movie seemed, ultimately, to side with my sister in favor of the boring undies. Obviously, I disagree but the film still gave me a lot to think about. I don’t know, maybe I should start a poll or something. Do any of our male readers have an opinion on the underwear question? Please, use the comments section to let your voice be heard.
What Did Not Work?
When taken on its own terms, the entire film worked. If I’m secretly a kitty cat in human disguise than the Lifetime Movie Network is my catnip and that’s largely because of silly, over-the-top movies like this.
Actually, I do have one or two complaints. First off, the lead character is named Jane McCoy and oh my God, is that not just one of the most bleh names in history? Seriously, she should have been named Lisa Marie McCoy or something. Secondly, Jane’s boyfriend (played by Travis Milne) was soooo boring. I believe the character was named Eric but they might as have just named him “Plastic Man” because seriously, he had all the personality of one of the mannequins from those Old Navy commercials. To me, Eric’s character was defined by the moment when, as Jane went down on him, he said, “I don’t think I know you anymore.” Double bleh on him.
“OMG! Just like me!” Moments
Oh. My. God. There were so many of these moments that I don’t even know where to begin. I love dancing and I love having fun while I’m dancing so watching this film was kinda like peering in to my life in an alternative, Lifetime-based universe.
Lessons Learned
Apparently, I’m incapable of not relating everything I see to my own life. Also, I have absolutely no impulse control because I just ordered the 11 x 17 Confessions of a Go Go Girl movie poster off of Amazon.
On Tuesday night, as the temperature outside plunged down to 13 degrees and the ice continued to build up on the street outside, I watched Love Sick: Secrets of a Sex Addict on the Lifetime Movie Network.
Why Was I Watching It?
Uhmmm…hello? Check out the title.
What Was It About?
This is one of those movies that starts with “Based on a True Story” and then continues on with “Some names and details have been changed.” So, in other words, this is all true except for the parts that are false. (Actually, this film is based on a memoir by Sue Silverman.)
Sally Pressman stars as Sue Silverman. Sue is a writer. While she battles writer’s block, her husband spends his time going to work and then coming home and whining about it. Apparently, every day, he comes home, refuses to have sex, and says something like, “You could get a job…” Or, hey, buddy — here’s what you could do: adjust your bra and stop crying like a little bitch. Seriously.
(Frequently asked question: When is the right time to call a man bitch? Any time he starts acting like one.)
Anyway, Sue responds to this by going out and sleeping with every man in Canada with the exception of her husband and who can blame her when you consider that her husband is a little bitch.
Soon, Sue is undressing whenever she find herself alone with a man — any man. Her obsession with sex soon brings an end to her marriage and eventually Sue is forced to go through one of those pain-in-the-ass interventions where everyone sits around and goes, “You’re addiction has harmed me in the following ways: 1) you borrowed money to spend on lingerie and you have yet to pay me back, 2) you missed my birthday party, 3) you fucked my husband…”
So, poor Sue ends up at the rehab place where the whole thing is like tough love and all “You will obey these rules or we’ll kick you out. So there!” Among the many rules: “No masturbation, no lingerie, no smoking, no avoiding eating, no throwing up…” Uhm, fascist much?
(And also, what type of man leaves his wife because she wants to have sex? Seriously, what a toadsucker.)
What Worked?
Oh, it all worked. This was pure Lifetime Movie goodness in that it took a whole lot of serious issues and then presented them in such a way that made it impossible to take any of it seriously. Ominous music, over-the-top dramatic line readings, and finally, a therapist who says exactly the right thing and magically makes all of the problems disappear.
Plus, I love that title.
What Didn’t Work?
Technically, the acting was pretty bad (with the exception of Sally Pressman) and the film dragged once Sue got into therapy. But who cares? Just check out that title.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
Towards the end of the film, Sue says that knowing she was desired was occasionally the only thing that she could cling to, the only thing that allowed her to maintain her fragile sense of identity. I’ve been there. Who hasn’t?
I also share Sue’s obsession with black underwear. Seriously, you can’t look bad in black lingerie.
Lessons Learned
Some men, apparently, actually do say “Not tonight, I’m tired” when it comes to sex. I’m still having a hard time buying that one.
Early Friday morning, I found myself watching an old school made-for-TV movie, Doing Time On Maple Drive, on the Lifetime Movie Network. If you’ve heard of this film, it’s probably because it features a kinda young Jim Carrey in a supporting role.
Why Was I Watching It?
Because when it’s 3 a.m. and you’re getting hit by the old insomnia curse, what’s a girl to do put turn on the TV and change the channel to the Lifetime Movie Network?
What’s It About?
The Carters appear to be the perfect American family. They’ve got a beautiful house in the suburbs (on Maple Drive, no less), the children are all handsome and intelligent, the dad is a succesful businessman, the mom a perfect homemaker, and blah blah blah. You know how this is going to turn out already, don’t you? Dad is actually an overly competitive jerk, mom is in denial, the daughter is a neurotic mess, the youngest son is a closeted homosexual, and the oldest child is Jim Carrey. He’s also an alcoholic and he claims that his name is actually Tim but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still Jim Carrey.
What Worked?
Tolstoy once said that all happy families are the same but that each unhappy family is unique. The family in this film is unique because — well, oh my God, how dysfunctional can you be? Not only do you have the judgmental parents and the alcoholic son but you’ve got the frigid daughter and the self-loathing gay son. Just using one of these stock characters would have made the film’s storyline seem familiar and predictable. However, tossing all of them into the mix and you’ve got an old school camp classic, complete with dramatic monologues, scary silences, and all the rest. Though this was originally made and shown by Fox, Doing Time On Maple Drive really does take the beloved Lifetime Family Drama formula to its most logical extreme.
The film is also pretty well-acted and features some familiar faces for those of us who love horror and exploitation films. For instance, the gay son is played by William McNamara who, if you’re an Argento fan, you may remember his extremely graphic death scene in Opera.
Making the film even more odd, McNamara’s character is engaged to Alison, who is played by Lori Loughlin, the mom from 90210. How often do you get to see a mix of Argento, 90210, and Jim Carrey on screen?
What Didn’t Work?
Jim Carrey! Don’t get me wrong, Jim did a good enough job playing his role but the whole time you’re watching the film, you keep thinking “that’s not Tim the alcoholic, that’s Jim Carrey.”
What’s ironic about that, of course, is that Jim Carrey is probably the only reason why anyone ever chooses to watch Doing Time On Maple Drive. Well, Jim Carrey and insomnia.
(As a sidenote, Jim Carrey had to deliver the line, “I’ve done my time on Maple Drive,” which, of course, meant I had to yell, “We have a title!”)
“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moments
During one dramatic moment, Alison tells her boyfriend, “What’s funny is a part of me always suspected you might be gay…” This line made me cringe just because I said the exact same thing to one of my ex-boyfriends once. He started crying. It was just kinda awkward.
Around 2 in the morning, I found myself watching Wall of Secrets, yet another cheap Canadian “thriller” that has apparently found a second life on the Lifetime Movie Network.
Why Was I Watching It?
My sister (and housemate) Erin was in Arlington babysitting our niece and Jeff’s going to be in Baltimore until New Year’s Eve (I miss him sooooo0000 much!) so I was alone and, as often happens when I’m alone, I couldn’t sleep. Insomnia’s a bitch and so am I after I haven’t been able to sleep more than eight hours in four days. I figured that maybe Wall of Secrets would put me to sleep so I started recording it on DVR (so I could see the rest of it after I woke up — I am the Queen of Wishful Thinking) and then I set up my little bed on the couch and I got as comfy as I could and then I closed my eyes and attempted to allow the sounds of the film lull me into sleep. No, it didn’t work. I ended up just watching the stupid movie instead.
What’s It About?
It’s the one about the newlyweds (Nicole Eggert and Dean “Mr. Tori Spelling” McDermott) who move into this huge, luxurious apartment in Seattle that they shouldn’t be able to afford. However, it seems that all of the previous tenants of the apartment have either died mysteriously or disappeared. As a result, they’re able to get a good deal on the rent.
(I attempted to do the same thing when Erin and I decided on the house we wanted to move into. I insisted to the owner that all of the previous tenants had been murdered and as such, he should really just give the house away. Unfortunately, I did not take into consideration that he was the only previous tenant.)
Anyway, McDermott is career-obsessed which gives Eggert a lot of time to hang out around the apartment, talk to the crazy old woman who lives down the hall, and get attacked by masked strangers. Eventually, she discovers that there’s actually all sorts of survellance equipment hidden in the walls and that someone has been watching her. But who?
What Worked?
Let’s see — there’s a cab driver who is in the film for 5 seconds and gets to say, “Give him Hell, lady!” That made me smile.
Voyeurs hiding in the walls? Its as if someone decided to film my sexual fantasies and then invited the whole world to come to watch!
What Didn’t Work?
My sexual fantasies usually feature better dialogue. And acting.
“Oh My God! Just Like Me!’ Moment
At one point, Eggert wanders around her apartment in just a towel and then realizes that she’s left the blinds wide open. “Oh my God!” I shouted, “That’s just like me!”
Lessons Learned
Always be sure to wear pretty underwear because you never know who might be filming you as you undress.
Hi. This is the 1st edition of something that I like to call What Lisa Watched Last Night. Because, y’see, I not only love movies and books. I watch a lot of TV as well.
Last night, after we got home from spending the day at the holiday family reunion at my uncle’s, my sister Erin and I turned on Lifetime and watched an encore presentation of the “original Lifetime movie,” The Perfect Teacher.
Why Was I Watching This?
When this movie premiered back in September, I watched it because, based on the commercials, it looked silly and fun. Plus, it was on Lifetime and, no matter how much I love the Grindhouse, I’m a girly girl at heart. As for last night, I watched it mostly because I was too worn out from the holidays to do much of anything else.
What’s The Movie About:
Devon (Megan Park) is a spoiled rich girl who develops a crush on her new teacher, Jim Wilkes (David Charvet). Jim is also the coach of the Girl’s Volleyball Team and Devon volunteers to work as his assistant. Before leaving on a volleyball road trip, Devon buys sexy lingerie which apparently is meant to let us know that she’s crazy. (Though really, why wouldn’t you buy sexy lingerie before going on a road trip with David Charvet? I mean, he’s a terrible actor but look at him!) Anyway, the team’s staying in a hotel, Devon knocks on Charvet’s door, Charvet answers the door without his shirt on and…uhm, yeah. Okay, how stupid is David Charvet not to know that when he’s the only adult present with a group of female minors, he needs to answer the door with his shirt on? Seriously, way to be a tease, Charvet. Anyway, long story short — Devon declares her love for Charvet, Charvet rejects her because he’s married to boring, old Rachel (Boti Bliss) so Devon gets behind the wheel of an SUV and runs Rachel down while she’s jogging.
Some other stuff happens but basically, all you really need to know is: lingerie-clad Park, shirtless Charvet, and hit-and-run Bliss.
What Worked:
The movie not only looks silly and fun — it is silly and fun! Ever since I originally saw this, I’ve been taking advantage of any opportunity to quote Devon: “I can be your dream or I can be your …. NIGHTMARE!” Megan Park actually does a pretty good job playing Devon. David Charvet can’t act but he’s nice to look at. As the wife, Boti Bliss has really boring hair and is kinda whiney but then she gets run over by a rampaging SUV.
What Didn’t Work:
Hey, it’s Lifetime. It all worked.
“Oh my God! Just like me moment!”
Who hasn’t had a crush on a teacher? Me, I pretty much developed a crush on every male teacher/professor that I ever had. However, when I think about teenage crushes I had on older men, I always end up thinking about Mark. Mark wasn’t a teacher but he was engaged to marry Ms. Conn, who was our Speech and Debate coach. I was 17 at the time and he was 23. Eventually, Mark accompanied us when we went to a speech tournament in San Antonio. Much as in The Perfect Teacher, the entire team stayed at a motel and, for me, the highlight of the trip was the night when I put on the pink Victoria’s Secret nightie I’d bought specifically for the trip, snuck out of my room, pulled the fire alarm, and met Mark as he came running out of his room clad only in his boxers.
I guess that’s not as extreme as getting behind the wheel of an SUV and running down someone’s wife but still, we’ve all played the role of obsessive stalker chick at least once or twice in our life.
Lessons Learned:
It’s not a Lifetime movie unless there’s some sort of lesson learned or deeper truth revealed by the end of the film. The lesson of The Perfect Teacher appear to be that even if you do marry a really nice, handsome guy who doesn’t cheat on you or plot your murder, chances are that he’s still going to unintentionally lead on some psycho bitch who will end up running you down in her car while you’re out jogging. In short, even good men are idiots and anyone younger and/or prettier than you is psychotic and looking to ruin your life.
Anyway, since this is Lifetime, you can be sure that The Perfect Teacher will be rerun at least three or four times a year until the end of time. I know a few readers might be saying, “But, Lisa, we wouldn’t be caught dead watching Lifetime.” And, to you, I say…I can be your dream or I can be your….NIGHTMARE!
Through the Shattered Lens 