Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.13 “Ladies Choice/Skin Deep”

Posted on October 7, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. The show is once again on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 7.13 “Ladies Choice/Skin Deep”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on January 28th, 1984)

The highlight of this week’s episode is Mr. Roarke beating someone up.

The person on the other end of the beating is John McDowell (Lloyd Bochner), who owns a winery on the Island and who, for reasons that aren’t particularly clear, hates Mr. Roarke. When McDowell discovers that Fancy Summerfield (Kim Lankford), who grew up at the winery when it was owned by her father, is in love with Mr. Roarke, McDowell decides to manipulate her to hurt Roarke. Fancy, who is upset that Mr. Roarke doesn’t return her romantic feelings, allows herself to fall for McDowell but then realizes that McDowell is a jerk.

A party at McDowell’s mansion leads to a fist fight between Roarke and McDowell. McDowell starts it but Roarke ends it. He beats up McDowell with such ease that McDowell surrenders. Fancy realizes that McDowell is not the man for her and she also realizes that Roarke does care about her, even if he’s not in love with her. (This episode implies that Roarke does not allow himself to fall in love with mortal women. It’s understandable when you consider what happened when he got married.)

And let’s give credit where credit is due. Ricardo Montalban looked good beating up Lloyd Bochner. Admittedly, it was obvious that the majority of the fight was filmed using stunt doubles but, in those rare occasions where we saw Roarke’s face as he threw a punch, Montalban looked like he knew what he doing.

(Lawrence, needless to say, did not come to Mr. Roarke’s aid during the fight. In fact, Lawrence was barely in this episode.)

As for the other fantasy, it was pretty stupid. Joe (Michael Lembeck) comes to the Island with his loudmouth buddy, Vinnie (Fred Travalena). They are attending a sports expo. Vinnie is all about hitting on the models but Joe falls for Paula Santino (Donna Pescow), who is pretty but definitely not glamorous. The main problem with this fantasy was that both Joe and Paula were neurotic quip machines so listening to them have a conversation made me want to rupture my ear drums. Vinnie, for his part, said some pretty bad things about Paula. Roarke was too busy beating up John McDowell to do anything about it.

This episode was …. actually, not quite as bad as some of the other season seven episodes that I’ve recently watched. The second fantasy got old pretty quickly but the first fantasy featured Roarke beating someone up and there’s something to be said for that. The main problem with this episode is that none of the Island guests were particularly likable but I still appreciated that Roarke was willing to go to all of that trouble for them.

Then again, without Tattoo around, Roarke really doesn’t have any choice but to take on all the trouble himself. What else is he going to do? Depend on Lawrence?

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.7 “Roller Derby Dolls/Thanks A Million”

Posted on March 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, things get strange on the Island!

Episode 6.7 “Roller Derby Dolls/Thanks A Million”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 4th, 1982)

Norman Hackett (Vic Tayback) is a sports fanatic who wants to coach his own athletic team. Oddly, he doesn’t specify what type of team he wants to coach. I would think that would be the first thing that a true sports fanatic would make clear. “I want to coach the….” Well, I can’t think of the names of any teams off the top of my head. I’m not a sports person so …. okay, he could have said he wanted to coach the Cowboys. You happy? Yes, I’m from North Texas and our football team sucks, Even I’m embarrassed by them and I don’t even follow football. I’d be tempted to coach the Rangers except I know Erin would get mad at me if the team didn’t make it to the championship. We also have a hockey team called the Stars but Leonard is the biggest hockey fan I know and, if anyone here at TSL deserves to coach hockey, it’s Leonard. What’s that, you say? The Mavericks? Ehh. I hate basketball. Those squeaky shoes drive me nuts. Plus Mark Cuban’s been kind of annoying ever since he decided to run for President in 2028.

Anyway, I’m rambling because this episode really wasn’t that interesting. Because Norman didn’t make it clear what he wanted to coach, Mr. Roarke gives him a whistle and then introduces him to the Belles, an all-female roller derby team. It turns out that roller derby is a big deal on Fantasy Island! There’s a roller derby rink and everything. It also turns out that Norman’s check bounced so, if he abandons the Belles, he’ll have to pay Mr. Roarke even more money …. wait, what? Shouldn’t Norman just be sent home or something? And doesn’t Roarke know enough to make sure the check clears before inviting someone to the Island? No wonder Tattoo used to be in charge of the money.

Speaking of money, Suzanne (Janet Leigh), Roger (James Noble), and Eddie (Art Metrano) come to the Island to take part in a contest. The winner will get $1.000.000 from a mysterious benefactor. The benefactor, by the way, is actually Eddie and it turns out that the entire contest is a private bet between him and Mr. Roarke. Eddie thinks that people will do anything to get money. (This is largely true. Up until a few weeks ago, this moronic woman was trying to sue my dead father’s estate for half a million. Fear not, she got nothing.) Roarke believes that people are good at heart. Eddie puts Suzanne and Roger through a series of increasingly dangerous tests to see how far they’re willing to go. In the end, both Roger and Suzanne prove themselves to be good people, though Suzanne is the one who gets the money. Roarke wins his bet and we’re left wondering how all this came about in the first place. (Seriously, how does Roarke even know Eddie?)

Anyway, this was kind of a strange trip to the Island. I’m not really happy about an episode of Fantasy Island featuring a story that isn’t really a fantasy. Still, at least the scenery was nice. That’s a beautiful island!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.14 “Isaac’s Double Standard / One More Time / Chimpanzeeshines”

Posted on December 7, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time for love and monkeys!

Episode 1.14 “Isaac’s Double Standard / One More Time / Chimpanzeeshines”

(Dir by James Sheldon and Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 14th, 1978)

This is a bit of an odd episode.

It’s odd because it features yet another stowaway. Somehow various characters were always managing to stow away on the boat. This week, the stowaway was a chimpanzee. How did a chimpanzee get on the boat? Gopher brought her on. Apparently, Gopher was under the impression that he had the week off so he agreed to look after a friend’s chimpanzee. Then he discover that he actually was working that week so he decided that it would be a good idea to smuggle the chimpanzee onto the boat. Of course, it doesn’t take long for Isaac and Julie to discover that Gopher has a chimpanzee in his cabin. Neither one of them appears to be surprised that Gopher has a friend who owns a chimpanzee. Me, I would want more information on whether or not Gopher’s friend worked for a circus or a zoo or a research lab. I mean, most people just don’t own chimpanzees as pets. Instead, everyone just accepts that Gopher is living with a monkey and that it is now their duty to keep Captain Stubing from finding out.

Of course, the chimpanzee gets loose. She runs around the ship, stealing food and clothes and surprising passengers. Fortunately, she’s a well-trained chimpanzee and she doesn’t try to kill anyone. In real life, Chimpanzees are known for being extremely dangerous and unpredictable. On shows like this, they’re adorable!

While looking for the chimp, Gopher meets and has a romance with Anne Parker (Kim Lankford), who has just had a nose job. She’s insecure about her new nose. Everyone assures her that her new nose looks great. And it does! As someone who spent most of her teen years planning on getting a nose job, I was really impressed with it. (For the record, I still have my original nose and I now realize I wouldn’t change it for the world.)

While Gopher is dealing with the chimp, Isaac is freaking out because his mother (Pearl Bailey) is on the ship with her new boyfriend (Arthur Adams) and they’re sharing a cabin! Isaac is being a little bit hypocritical because he happens to be sharing a cabin with his girlfriend, Charlene (Tracy Reed). Isaac finally realizes he’s not being fair and he accepts the fact that his mother is having sex at his workplace. So, it all works out.

Meanwhile, in our third storyline, Nanentte Fabray is a singer who is hired to provide the cruise’s entertainment. She’s upset to discover that her pianist (Don Adams) is also her ex-partner. Don’t worry, they get back together by the end of the cruise. Of course, everyone’s too busy looking for the chimpanzee to notice.

This was not a terrible episode, just an odd one. The Nanette Fabray/Don Adams storyline was pretty forgettable and, though it’s always cool when Ted Lange actually gets to do something other than make drinks, Isaac’s family situation played out predictably. What made this episode stand out, for better or worse, was all the business with the chimpanzee. How Gopher kept his job after that, I have no idea. Chimpanzees have been known to kill people if they get stressed out and being dragged onto a cruise ship by a stranger seems like it would be a stressful situation. Still, after all that, Gopher kept his job. I’m beginning to think that Captain Stubing might not be the disciplinarian that the crew things he is.

Next week, we’ve got more love but hopefully less monkeys.

Life is a Beach #2: Malibu Beach (dir Robert J. Rosenthal)

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yesterday, I started my 2-week miniseries of reviews on beach movies by taking a look at 1963’s Beach Party. For my next review, I will be jumping forward 15 years and taking a look at 1978’s Malibu Beach.

Just by comparing the two films, you can tell that a lot changed during those 15 years. As opposed to the euphemism-spouting surfers of Beach Party, the teenagers that hang out on Malibu Beach know exactly what they want and they’re not ashamed to say it. What Beach Party could only hint at, Malibu Beach has the freedom to make explicit. The film’s poster claims that “everything can happen on Malibu Beach” and, in theory, that’s certainly true.

And yet, at the same time, Malibu Beach has more in common with Beach Party than you might think. Ultimately, they’re both about the same thing: celebrating the idea of being young and having freedom. Both films are a bit of a chore to try to watch today but are interesting as cultural time capsules. Beach Party had no plot. Malibu Beach has no plot. Beach Party featured some oddly generic music. Malibu Beach features the same three generic songs being played over and over and over again. Beach Party features Erich Von Zipper and his motorcycle gang. Malibu Beach features a muscle-bound bully named Dugan (Steve Oliver). Beach Party featured a cameo appearance from Vincent Price. Malibu Beach features a dog that steals bikini tops. Beach Party was produced by American International Pictures. Malibu Beach was produced by Crown International Pictures.

That’s right! Malibu Beach is a Crown International Picture and anyone who loves 70s exploitation knows what that means. Malibu Beach is a cheaply produced film that was made to exploit then-current trends and bring in a lot of money. Like a lot of Crown International Films, it’s technically a pretty bad film but it’s so sincere and honest about what it is that it almost feels petty to be too critical of it.

Oddly enough, Malibu Beach pretty much feels like a remake of a previous Crown International Picture, The Pom Pom Girls, the main difference being that, while the visual style of The Pom Pom Girls was almost oppressively ugly, Malibu Beach at least features some pretty beach scenery.

Much like in the Pom Pom Girls, the heroes of Malibu Beach are two high school jocks, one of whom, Bobby (played by James Daughton, who, that same year, also played the evil Greg in National Lampoon’s Animal House), is dark and brooding while the other, Paul (Michael Luther), is skinny and dorky.

Much as in The Pom Pom Girls, one of the heroes has a nemesis for no particular reason. Seriously, I never could figure out why Bobby and Dugan hated each other but they certainly did. What’s odd is that, whenever there’s a confrontation between the two of them, Malibu Beach suddenly gets extremely serious. Bobby and Dugan glare at each other and speak through clenched teeth. Suddenly, there’s no music on the soundtrack and all we can hear are seagulls above and the tide rolling in and it all feels very ominous. I sat through Malibu Beach expecting either Dugan and Bobby to be dead at the end of the film, that’s how seriously their conflict is portrayed.

Also, much like The Pom Pom Girls, Bobby and Paul each have girlfriends. Paul is dating the spacey Sally (Susan Player). Bobby, meanwhile, is romancing the new lifeguard, Dina (Kim Lankford). Dina has a big scene where she tells Bobby that she can’t handle being caught in the middle of his increasingly intense rivalry with Dugan. Again, it’s a deadly serious scene and it’s just so strange to see it there, awkwardly dropped in between scenes of a bumbling cop smoking weed and a dog stealing bikini tops.

Finally, the main similarity between The Pom Pom Girls and Malibu Beach is that the exact same three songs appear in both films! Obviously, somebody at Crown International, really loved those three songs.

Malibu Beach is one of those films that was obviously made to appeal to hormonal teens at a drive-in but, by today’s standards, it’s rather tame. It’s currently playing on Hulu and it’s also available in several of those Mill Creek box sets that we all know and love. Is the film any good? No. Do I recommend it? Not really. But, much like Beach Party, it is a portal into the past.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp9NtaOzd1k