Jeff Viola | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance!

Episode 5.6 “Chef’s Special/Beginning Anew/Kleinschmidt”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on October 7th, 1981)

As the passengers board the boat and prepare to set sail, Isaac and Vicki can’t help but notice Gertrude Turner (Trish Noble) and Kurt Kleinschmidt (Siegfried van Kapelhoff). Gertrude is rich, single, and wearing a very valuable ring. Kleinschmidt is a German insurance agent who Gertrude has hired to guard her jewelry, though she later reveals that she’s not really that worried about her jewels but instead, she just enjoys Kleinschmidt’s company.

“That man looks just like Doctor Bricker!” Isaac says.

And yes, it must be said that, despite his thick German accent, Siegfried van Kapelhoff, the actor playing Kleinschmidt, does indeed look a lot like Bernie Kopell, the actor who played Doc Bricker. They’re both tall, thin, in their early 40s, and they even have the same hair color and bone structure. What are the chances of that happening? I mean, seriously….

Wait a minute….

THAT’S NOT SIEGFRIED VAN KAPELHOFF AT ALL!

Just as Gavin MacLeod used to do whenever one of Stubing’s brothers boarded the boat, this episode finds Bernie Kopell playing two roles. Not only does he play Doc Bricker but he also play Kleinschmidt. And yes, there is a scene where Kleinschmidt talks to Doc Bricker. It’s done via split screen and it’s not at all convincing. Bricker doesn’t even appear to be looking at Kleinschmidt while talking to him.

Gertrude’s ring does vanish at one point, which leads to Kleinschmidt interrogating the crew and eventually attempting to arrest Gopher. Of course, the truth of the matter is that Gertrude herself hid the ring so that Kleinschmidt would stay on the boat with her. (Kleinschmidt, feeling insecure about his detective abilities, was originally planning on flying home as soon as the boat docked in Mexico.) When Stubing learns that Gertrude faked the robbery, he is surprisingly understanding, despite the fact that doing so led to Kleinschmidt harassing his entire crew. I’m not sure that I really bought Stubing’s reaction but maybe he just thought Kleinschmidt was Doc in disguise.

The Kleinschmidt story was far more amusing than it really had any right being. That was almost totally due to Bernie Kopell, who seemed to really enjoy the chance to play such an over-the-top character. Kleinschmidt was definitely a bit cartoonish but Kopell’s likability went a long way towards making the character’s stupidity not just tolerable but also kind of sweet.

While all that’s going on, the Love Boat’s chef (Jay Johnson) gets upset when a new chef (Leslie Easterbrook) is hired to work in the kitchen with him. This storyline requires the audience to believe that 1) no one would bother to warn the original chef that he’s getting a new colleague and 2) that the new chef would risk ruining her reputation just to avoid hurting her predecessor’s feelings. The less said about this story the better.

Finally, Jenny Langley (Joan Fontaine) boards the cruise and is stunned to see that her former lover, Stan Ellis (Richard Basehart), is on the boat. Jenny and Stan haven’t seen each other since the end of World War II. Now, Stan is a widower who has been in a wheelchair ever since the car accident that killed his wife. Jenny tries to help Stan come out of his shell and find the courage to embrace life. Stan is resistant but finally comes around. But when Stan asks Jenny to marry him, Jenny refuses. Jenny is going blind. Stan, however, doesn’t care about that. And, also …. Stan can walk! It turns out that his paralysis was just psychosomatic.

This storyline was one that I probably would have liked better if I hadn’t found myself thinking about my Dad whenever Stan was onscreen. (Before he died, my Dad was also in a wheelchair as the result of a traffic accident.) I will say that Joan Fontaine is wonderful in her role. This storyline was handled well but right now, the pain of losing my Dad is still too fresh for me to have really enjoyed it. That said, Fontaine and Basehart were old pros at this type of melodrama and this storyline had a lot to offer fans of old school romance. This was definitely a storyline for the TCM crowd and I mean that as a compliment!

With two stories that worked and a third one that wasn’t too much of a distraction, this was a worthwhile cruise.

This week, The Love Boat sets sail without a laugh track and things get awkward.

Episode 5.4 “The Incredible Hunk/Isaac, the Marriage Counselor/Jewels & Jim”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on October 24th, 1981)

Julie has hired a new entertainer for this cruise. His name is Hank Austin (Brian Kerwin) and he’s a teacher-by-day and a dancer-by-night. Julie has never actually seen Hank perform but Hank’s agent assured Julie that he’s amazing. How will Julie (and Captain Stubing) react when Hank turns out to be a …. STRIPPER!?

Even more importantly, how will the head of Hank’s PTA react? Shelley (Christopher Norris) is also a passenger on the boat and she and Hank take an immediate liking to each other. Fortunately, for Hank, Shelley does not see his performance but afterwards, she tells Hank that she’s heard a lot of people talking about how there’s a male stripper on the ship. Hank laughs it off. But then Julie walks up to Shelley and starts to complain about Hank’s act, which is seriously immature of her. I mean, Julie doesn’t even know Shelley but Julie still acts like she’s morally offended that Shelley would associate with someone with whom Julie is upset. It’s seriously out-of-character for Julie and it made me wonder if maybe Julie picked up some coke when the ship was docked at Acapulco.

Don’t worry, though. Julie eventually apologizes for lashing out and Shelley and Hank leave the ship together. From now on, the only stripping that Hank will be doing will be at PTA meetings.

Things also work out for Frank Dalton (Flip Wilson). Frank boards the ship and tells Isaac that he changed Frank’s life. Isaac has no idea who Frank is. Frank explains that he took the same cruise last year. He had a fight with his wife and went into the Pirate’s Cove for a drink. Frank told Isaac his problems. Isaac told him that sometimes, a man just has to put his foot down. Frank took Isaac’s advice and, as a result, his wife left him. Now, Frank is single and suicidal. Isaac tries to set Frank up with some other passengers. When that doesn’t work, Isaac calls Frank’s ex-wife and convinces her to board the boat in Acapulco and take him back. Frank and Janet (Marla Gibbs) are reunited. Good work, Isaac!

Finally, a jewel thief named Jim Pickett (Michael Zaslow) boards the boat. He just wants to steal a valuable necklace but instead, he ends up falling in love with Lilia Chandler (Joan Van Ark). When Jim does steal a necklace from Mrs. Landers (Henny Backus), he gives it to Lila. However, when it looks like Jim’s going to get caught by the Captain, Lila gives the necklace back to Mrs. Landers. It turns out that Lila is a jewel thief as well! She was going to let Jim steal the necklace for her but then she fell in love with him. The two reformed thieves leave the ship as a couple.

This was a weird episode because there was no laugh track. There was several moments where it was obvious that a laugh track was meant to be heard but instead of canned laughter, there was only dead air. It made the entire episode feel a bit awkward. Laugh tracks are definitely dork and corny but then again, so is The Love Boat. If anything, The Love Boat is one of the rare shows that benefitted from having a laugh track. It’s absence made the entire cruise feel weird.

As for the guest stars and their stories, I liked Michael Zaslow and Joan Van Ark. They had an enjoyable chemistry. The other two stories weren’t that interesting. The male stripper story only succeeded in making Julie look totally incompetent at her job. She got mad at Hank for being a stripper but did it seriously not occur to her to ask what type of dancing he actually did before booking him? As for the other story, it was just depressing. A laugh track would have helped….

This was just not a very good cruise, I’m afraid. It happens. Hopefully, next week will be better.