Film Review: Kidz in the Wood (1996, dir. Neal Israel)


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I don’t know how I come across these things. This was a Disney Channel movie that was filmed in 1994, but aired in 1996 starring Dave Thomas. It also has Candace Cameron before the Bure. The quality is low because somebody filmed this off their TV. Luckily they did a great job. It looks decent and sounded just fine.

Dave Thomas plays a teacher who works at every troubled school from every 90s movie ever. You know this immediately because of the gang stereotypes that walk over.

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That’s the big problem with this movie: stereotypes. They are all over this thing. That, and Dave Thomas whipping a Native American. The drug trip is a little weird too.

We meet some of our other main characters such as one played by David Lascher who you might recognize from Hey Dude and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. He’s busy sexually harassing a blonde.

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Here’s Candace!

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Ah, 90s! She is a bit of a nymphomaniac in this. I am quite sure that at one point she asks if an egg frying on her tongue will turn on a guy. She’ll turn on a dime too once she gets a talking to by a female teacher who gives her horrible advice.

Next we get a guy who is a hypochondriac played by Alfonso Ribeiro.

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Bill Clinton then rears his head.

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Dave Thomas makes an attempt to connect with his students about history. This includes trying to get the students to remember Robert E. Lee because they have seen The Crow (1994) with Brandon Lee.

Next we meet the 90s strong female stereotype named Ms. Duffy.

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Two actors from Stargate SG-1 are in here too, but what it comes down to is that Dave Thomas wants to take his kids on an Oregon Trail type trip. When I was a kid we just had a computer game that did it for us. The principal tells Ms. Duffy (Julia Duffy) to go with them and record Dave Thomas screwing up so they can fire him despite his tenure. There we have our movie.

At the end of the day, these three are the best part of the movie other than the Native American they travel with during part of the film.

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They will say every single 90s saying you can imagine. I’m shocked they missed “that’s the way I like it” or “homie don’t play that.”

It’s off to the woods for these kidz. But first we get the mandatory hanging the kid out of the bus window bit.

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In my day, we just held up signs for truckers driving past that said “honk if you’re horny.”

They arrive and we meet the hippest Native American I have ever seen in a movie.

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This guy is awesome. He is played by Byron Chief-Moon.

Then we are off on the trail where Dave Thomas promptly gets himself flung off the wagon.

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During this whole thing we are getting a voiceover narration from Thomas because he has ancestors that are tied to this whole thing. It will barely have anything to do with anything. Then Dave Thomas whips the Indian.

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Now Dave Thomas decides it is time to eat a berry. That berry is a hallucinogen, which immediately sends him on a drug trip.

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He even starts seeing everyone as if they were in old times. This includes the Indian.

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This is immediately followed by morons on the wagon.

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This was made for television.

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Throughout the remainder of the film, the three gang guys think they are going to escape and go to Vegas.

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Around the campfire, Ms. Duffy wants to sing something by Snoop Snoopy Dog.

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She seems to think all rap is about guns and violence when she attempts to rap herself. I’d love to say that kind of thinking is only from the 80s and 90s, but I heard this same nonsense in a “documentary” called The Mask You Live In from 2015 that is currently on Netflix. But enough about propaganda.

Oh, and Candace Cameron is thinking about sex.

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She even gets into Hey Dude’s sleeping bag before he gets there.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h33m41s359The next day Dave Thomas whips the Indian again.

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Then one more time for good measure before he realizes he doesn’t need the whip.

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After one of the wagons goes over in the water, the Indian goes on ahead where they are going to meet up eventually. This is done so that the teachers and the kids have their time to resolve their issues together.

Then Ms. Duffy gives Candace Cameron a sex talk. It amounts to stop being slutty and play hard to get instead. I’m pretty sure she actually uses the word “slutty”. Not exactly the right speech to give this girl. Maybe a simple, he’s obviously not interested, so you might want to move on would have done it. She can explore her sexuality as she pleases. She isn’t putting her or anyone else’s lives in danger.

Since all these people are idiots, they soon get themselves attacked by bees. That means it is time to put horse poop on Ms. Duffy.

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Even a skunk doesn’t want anything to do with her.

As all this goes on you get the typical stuff you would expect as the kids start coming around, the teachers start to like each other, and the three gang guys get scared by a bear.

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This leads right where you expect it to go.

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That’s right. The teachers fly off a cliff leaving the kids to think they are dead. I mean dead dead. They have no reason to believe they are alive. Here’s the cliff to drive home the point.

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Of course they caught a tree. I have to give Kidz in the Wood this.

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I actually believe that Dave Thomas and Julia Duffy are out in nature rather than Robert Redford and Nick Nolte in A Walk In The Woods (2015).

In the midst of all of this, the gang members found a map to hidden treasure, which they promptly light on fire with a magnifying glass.

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I mean a real fire.

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Eventually they all get back together and it all works out for the best. The kids return to class, pass, and graduate.

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Despite some of the inappropriate material and stereotypes, this was actually a reasonably enjoyable one of these kinds of movies. I’d recommend it.

Thank you to whomever this is that filmed their TV.

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Film Review: The Year of the Sex Olympics (1968, dir. Michael Elliott)


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I’m only human. I make mistakes. During the past week or so, Jedadiah has been venturing into the wide world of Internet Archive. I happened to spot “Sex Olympics” as I was glancing through things related to our site. I figured it had to be a movie, and found this one. It turned out that he had reviewed a game, and I had just came across a movie that happened to have “Sex Olympics” in the title. I might as well talk about it.

As is often the case, some things appeared before the title card.

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That’s when they throw the Olympic Rings at you, which turn into male and female gender symbols.

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Apparently, coming sooner than we think is three men for every two women locked together in…I don’t know…an orgy?

It then answers that question with one of the few sexual things you will actually see in this “Sex Olympics” movie.

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These legs belong to two people who are having a sexploitation scene. Soon they and another couple are interrupted because they are on camera. We then go to the main set of the movie: Production Pod.

That’s where we meet our main character.

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I’m sure he has a name, but I am just going with Eyebrows. I could have called him Crazy Eyes since he does those a lot, but that could cause confusion with this lady.

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Then we meet the most important characters in the film: the audience.

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They are not happy with the current programming. After discussing how disgusting the audience is, our crew traps the lady above in an isolation booth so she can do the Sports Sex Presents segment which airs “Tonite And Every Nite”.

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She says stuff that I couldn’t bring myself to care about because I was too distracted by the theme song called The Year of the Sex Olympics.

We are introduced to contestants who are in heats to compete in the Sex Olympics–such as these two.

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The other guy in the Production Pod seems to like what he sees when the sex starts.

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They say things with British accents so I have no real idea except that their program is not selling well with the audience. That’s when The Coordinator comes in and takes Eyebrows somewhere else. They get something phallic to suck on called on a “Brightener”. It is supposed to cancel out your appetite. I assume your appetite for experience rather than your need for food.

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The gist of their conversation is that people like to watch. People are perfectly happy to live vicariously through others. We also get foreshadowing in the form of dystopian talk about removing things like war. I also managed to catch the older guy with this face.

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Now we cut to The Hungry Angry Show.

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Today we just call this Twitter and comments sections.

This scene must have been very difficult. They had to have a Custard Pie Fight Arranger.

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Mr. Peacock also needed five Custard Pie Experts to get it just right.

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It goes without saying that the audience is still not enjoying the programming. Actually, I think they are trying to keep them like that because it keeps them peaceful.

The next important thing is the ArtSex.

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This is as good a time as any other to mention that this was a TV Movie. I say that now because you can see I had to black box her breasts. I guess that means in 1968 the BBC allowed bare breasts on television of some kind. This part lasts seconds as the camera pulls back to show us Auto-Chess that I swear uses the same font as the WOPR computer from WarGames (1983).

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It’s there so we can have the characters discussing philosophical topics. The guy who is standing at the Auto-Chess machine and directs the ArtSex show is getting rebellious. He wants to make images that make people feel again. This leads Eyebrows into a sex scene.

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Then we find out that the other guy’s images are actually stills. I think Eyebrows’ reaction here says it all.

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This is basically the movie. Eyebrows gets more and more convinced that he must have actual experience instead of just delivering “Cool the people. Cool the world” apathy till he does something about it. Here is one of Auto-Chess guy’s pictures.

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Now the big issue is to make them laugh, so we go to a sad food fight. No luck. The audience still doesn’t change from their apathy. That is, till this happens to the Auto-Chess guy.

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The Coordinator thinks they have had a breakthrough, but Eyebrows wonders if that means they are going to kill someone every night. Once again, Eyebrows provides us with great reactions shots.

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Then Eyebrows comes up with the idea of doing the TV Show Survivor. He doesn’t actually call it that, but that’s what it is. He, a woman, and a kid are going to go to what I swear is the set of Man of Aran (1934) to live a “real” life.

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It feels like it takes them forever to finally get to the island. They call it The Live-Life Show, which will air 24/7.

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Here is our set.

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Despite the idea being that they are supposed to be trying to survive alone, two people do show up. The Production Pod says something has to happen, so they made sure there would be a story of some sort in the way of challenges.

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Been too long since a reaction shot from Eyebrows, so here you go.

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Of course things go wrong, and we end up with another dead body as well as the woman being dead too.

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The audience loves it!

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The people in the Production Pod also burst into laughter. Roll credits.

There you have The Year of the Sex Olympics. It is a cautionary tale that things like the Olympics and the coming Golden Age of Porn would replace actual experience. In other words, reality television will take over people’s lives, and leave them with nothing but an apathetic existence that may be peaceful, but isn’t life any more. My verdict is that it was surprisingly accurate in its’ prediction of the future of television that expanded to the Internet while not being so predictive of how it affected human behavior. People really haven’t become apathetic, but swung to the opposite with outrage culture and a cacophony of participation/sharing. Sometimes we get outraged over the dumbest things imaginable. During the past year or so my Twitter feed has been filled with people throwing custard pie at each other over a movie about people shooting imaginary things at other imaginary things. However, I never once saw outrage over the poster of God’s Not 2 (2016) equating imaginary persecution of Christians in schools with the Holocaust.

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Still, it is an amazing time to live in.

Feel free to interpret The Year of the Sex Olympics as you see fit. They definitely saw things coming that we have with us today, but there are certainly different ways you can tie it to the current state of the world.

The Year of the Sex Olympics is worth seeing as one of those Twilight Zone type social commentary movies disguised as sci-fi. Just don’t expect any sex. The title is bait.

Listen Close; You’ll never get it out of your head #Earworm


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Writer and Director: Tara Price

Stars: Ernest Thomas

Production: Dirigo Entertainment

Have you ever woken up one morning with a song stuck in your head, just bouncing around, like you can never get it out?

Yeah?….Well, this is not the song you want to wake up to tomorrow!

In Tara Price’s new short film Earworm, that is what it is all about. What can you take? The relentless, unending things on (in) your mind can take everything out of you.

Preview:

For a short film (Thomas)  gives everything, literally, everything. And Tara knows how to write, direct and tell the story she wants!

After watching the trailer, I went to bed with my earholes tightly closed!

If you would like to see a trailer for Earworm movie you can here!

 

Film Review: The Submission of Emma Marx (2013, dir. Jacky St. James & Eddie Powell)


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With The Submission of Emma Marx, I have now seen four different variations of Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), including the official version.

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015, dir. Sam Taylor-Johnson)

Fifty Shades of Grey (2015, dir. Sam Taylor-Johnson)

The official one was only really good for an elementary school sleepover. They showed next to nothing to the point that it was laughable, and Anastasia Steele was the worst English major ever to only name a few problems with the film.

Old Fashioned (2014, dir. Rik Swartzwelder)

Old Fashioned (2014, dir. Rik Swartzwelder)

Old Fashioned (2014) was one of the most offensive pieces of garbage I’ve sat through all year. If you thought Fifty Shades was bad in its’ portrayal of women, then are you in for a surprise with that movie.

Pleasure or Pain (2013, dir. Zalman King)

Pleasure or Pain (2013, dir. Zalman King)

Pleasure or Pain (2013) could show more than the official one, but you OD’d on the massive amounts of erotica pretty quickly.

This movie can show everything that the official one couldn’t show and more even in the edited down to softcore version I watched, which was plenty for me. This has a Christian Grey who is willing to be alone in a room with a woman whereas Clay wouldn’t do that in Old Fashioned. Unlike Pleasure or Pain, this does a good job of not overdoing the sex and doesn’t wear out its’ welcome in general. That’s not to say it doesn’t have its’ problems, but it is still the best one I have seen so far.

According to Jacky St. James in X-Rated: The Greatest Adult Movies of All Time (2015), she read the book Fifty Shades of Grey, and was offended at the way the female character was portrayed, so she wrote the script for this movie. That’s a good thing, but it will lead to some stiltedness about the film.

Let’s jump in.

Like a lot of movies, it doesn’t actually begin with the title card I put at the beginning of the review. This one starts and continues like a film noir in that it has a lot of voiceover narration by Emma Marx (Penny Pax). She is getting her butt paddled by this movie’s Christian Grey.

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He is William Fredricks who is played by none other than my favorite steak cutter from Erotic Ink (2011).

Erotic Ink/Love Is a... Dangerous Game (2011, dir. Eddie Powell)

Erotic Ink/Love Is a… Dangerous Game (2011, dir. Eddie Powell)

That’s Richie Calhoun. No relation that I am aware of to urban cowboy Rory Calhoun.

Angel (1984, dir. Robert Vincent O'Neill)

Angel (1984, dir. Robert Vincent O’Neill)

The voiceover starts off with Emma asking the audience if they are curious about how the person you think you were can vanish and “someone new is born.” It then cuts to the bed with the title card on it. This is a bed made up for a couple who act both as the “normal” opposite of Emma and Mr. Fredricks, but are also there to open the film with a sex scene. But first he proposes to her. However, unlike an opening kill in a slasher movie, this sex scene goes on for an inordinate amount of time. I expected better here. Especially when the rest of the movie does hold itself to a higher standard. I kept track, and it lasts close to 20 minutes. On the upside, it does serve a purpose. It is meant to show you very vanilla sex to contrast with the three other scenes that we get between Emma and Mr. Fredricks.

With that marathon done, Nadia (Riley Reid) decides to shove her engagement ring right in the face of Emma.

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I don’t recall exactly what Anastasia was doing going to meet with Grey, but Emma is going to see Mr. Fredricks to complete her masters thesis on gender equality in the workplace. It’s because he hires a disproportionate number of women as employees. To be exact, 97% of his 2,000 employees are women. She says to us that she has interviewed a lot of people “from female executives to male nurses to transgender women battling the glass ceiling.” If you are thinking that line felt a little forced, then you’re right. It’s a little Tasha Yar and Samantha Carter in early episodes of Stargate SG-1. Like the overly long sex scene, it too has a purpose though. It is supposed to make sure that BDSM doesn’t mean a surrender of equality, that she is in somehow being manipulated into it, or that this means she is a pervert/abnormal. We’ll get the same from him. He is also never portrayed as some sort of wounded deviant. They are both intelligent people with their own beliefs, and are always treated as such. Again, it can feel forced at times, but it still works in the end.

Now we meet Mr. Fredricks.

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Since they have to save time to actually have sex scenes, they get right to talking about how he likes to be dominant and the enjoyment that can be derived from surrendering control to someone else.

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This is probably as good a time as any to mention Penny Pax’s voice. I mentioned that there is voiceover narration throughout this, but I didn’t mention that while Pax does a fine job when onscreen, she really does have a horrible voice for narration. It works for the character and when we can see her, but when it is disembodied, then it gets to you.

The conversation went well for Mr. Fredricks because she goes home and masturbates. She wakes up the next morning to Nadia bringing her a letter from Mr. Fredricks requesting her to take advantage of an opportunity he is going to offer her, but only after she has graduated. He states explicitly that she is not to contact him till then.

We now get a montage of the last four months before her graduation passing by as she ponders how she will respond to giving up control when she lives by such rigid control in her own personal life. That’s when she gets a call from Mr. Fredricks. She wonders where he got her number.

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My words exactly.

Finally, the four months pass, so she receives her instructions about where to go and how to be dressed.

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I love this set. The table acts as both a distancing device between them because of where they stand at the start,…

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and it also keeps an equality between them through its’ symmetry.

It wouldn’t be a Fifty Shades movie if it didn’t have some sort of negotiation scene. The difference is that she actually knows everything in the document. We don’t get stupid questions about butt plugs. In fact, she recognizes that it is “a contract soliciting [her] for a BDSM relationship”.  She says that isn’t for her and gets up to leave. However, he reminds her that despite what she is saying, she did show up wearing exactly what he told her too, so he moves in to see if his instincts are right. They are as we know from the scenes that followed this one where she was very excited at this prospect.

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I also accidentally caught Penny/Emma with a great surprised look on her face.

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Now they have pretty vanilla sex till the very end when he adds a little BDSM element in the form of a tie that goes through her mouth to bind it.

We wake up in bed only to go into a flashback about their further negotiations that they had the night before. They worked out an equitable situation, which includes a job at his company. It lasts for a few minutes, and that is the last we here of it in the movie. Very refreshing when a movie can show what it is supposed to be about, and doesn’t have to pad itself out with stuff like negotiations because it wants to keep its’ R-rating. I love that he explicitly says “I won’t chase you, although, I’ll probably want to.” Not even Clay Walsh in Old Fashioned–a religious Fifty Shades–could do that. He also explicitly tells her that it would be fun to do it at work, but that as soon as work from 8 to 5 is over, she has no obligation to him until the weekends when they really have their fun. I mentioned it before, but at times it does feel forced even though it’s nice to hear.

She finds this whole thing exciting, new, and so unexpected from someone like herself.

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Of course it’s no secret that the woman on the right is Jacky St. James making a cameo appearance in her own film. She did the same thing in Erotic Ink, which she didn’t direct, but did write.

Erotic Ink/Love Is a... Dangerous Game (2011, dir. Eddie Powell)

Erotic Ink/Love Is a… Dangerous Game (2011, dir. Eddie Powell)

Upon her next visit to his house, he is still easing her way into the world of BDSM, and she likes it.

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Emma and William develop a relationship where they both enjoy BDSM that is a metaphor for not being ashamed of who you are, not surrendering your rights as a human being, and not accepting being portrayed or thought of as broken just because other people think you are a deviant. It’s not surprising that this is the theme of The Submission of Emma Marx seeing as it is also present in Erotic Ink. There too, the main character had a judgmental couple who she knew, and another unusual guy played by Richie Calhoun in her life that she was fascinated by. In this film, it’s the soon to be married couple that is judgmental about her decision. However, they seem to get over it, and appear to get married. They too have every right to live their life the way they choose.

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Just before Emma and Mr. Fredricks reach mutual happiness, he does throw her out because she begins to tell him that they are both deviants. He doesn’t follow her like he promised. She discovers that there’s nothing really wrong with her after spending time helping Nadia out with her wedding, and returns to him.

Of course Jacky St. James wasn’t going to let the movie end without recreating the most famous shot from Fifty Shades that I included at the beginning of the review.

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I recommend this film. It is less of a typical pornographic film, and more of a political statement. If I have to choose between the horrific and abusive Old Fashioned, the tease and somewhat offensive Fifty Shades of Grey, or the endless erotica of Pleasure or Pain, then I’ll take The Submission of Emma Marx. However, I am worried about the sequels seeing as this does feel like a finished story.

Hallmark Review: The Good Witch’s Gift (2010, dir. Craig Pryce)


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I haven’t done a Hallmark movie in awhile. It’s been even longer since I did one that I watched on DVD. I only mention it because once again it is difficult to get it to start in VLC, and the close captioning is a little wonky. That leads to some humorous captions. I bring them up in case you go to watch it using VLC, or need to use the close captioning for more than just convenience. This is also the last of the Good Witch movies I have left to review. Let’s dig in.

The movie begins and we immediately join Jake Russell (Chris Potter) as he is doing some window shopping to decide what to get Cassie (Catherine Bell) for Christmas. He’s also doing a bit of foreshadowing.

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He spots a guy that he clearly knows, but then Cassie pops up like she always does to say “hi.”

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This is as good a time as any to mention that she uses her powers a little more explicitly this time around. It’s not like in a later one where she teleports right in front of a camera. However, she does pop around more, and she makes the doors to her shop open right in front of Jack to the point where he asks her if she installed automatic doors. At least that’s what they say if you can hear. If you can’t, then this is what shows up onscreen.

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The next important thing is to find out who that guy was that Jack saw while window shopping. It’s a guy named Leon Deeks (Graham Abbey) who was part of a bank robbery and was recently released after having served his time. The issue is that not only was the money never recovered, but Jack’s son is going out with Deeks’ daughter played by former Degrassi: TNG star Jordan Todosey. It’s interesting that with this film it means that actor Matthew Knight was in a movie with one of the late stage Degrassi: TNG actors, and one of the early ones in Jake Epstein who was in an episode of Matthew Knight’s short-lived TV Show called My Babysitter’s A Vampire.

Deeks of course stops by Cassie’s place, and as usual with new people, she nearly gives him a heart attack by suddenly showing up behind him. He remembers the place when it used to be rundown and is impressed with what she has done. There is an ulterior motive to him looking around the place. It will turn out the unrecovered money from the robbery is under her floor.

Lori (Hannah Endicott-Douglas) makes a return, but really won’t play too much of a role in the film. Mainly when Cassie’s ring goes missing, she runs around looking for it. However, good old quintessential small town busybody Martha Tinsdale (Catherine Disher) is sure around for her plot line.

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At the start she is being annoying, making people angry, and really getting into hitting that gavel. She is rejecting a local business’ request to put up a sign to advertise for their business. Her plot line is like the rest in that it will revolve around family, and will resolve with family. It’s what the “Gift” in the title means. The formation or maintenance of family is the central theme around which the plot lines revolve. I do love how at this meeting, which is where we first see her, she manages to piss off everyone at the table. Then she leaves only to be confronted by her husband the mayor who tells her they lost a lot of money, and she needs to get a job as a result.

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Catherine Disher really does have that Jim Carrey facial expression thing about her. I love it.

Then we meet Brandon (Matthew Knight) and Jodi Deeks played by Jordan Todosey.

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So, we have Cassie and Jack who need to end up getting married to each other. We have Jodi and her father who need to be reunited despite Jodi’s mother fighting against it. It’s understandable because the time he served was ten years on top of committing the crime. We also have Martha who needs survive this bump in the road with her husband. However, we have one last piece of setup.

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What do we do with grandpa (Peter MacNeill)? He actually has one of the more subtle ways of having family in his plot line. The woman he met last time at the orchard departs. Since Cassie is going to go and live with Jack in the end, what is going to happen to Grey House?

That’s your setup. The movie is on autopilot now as the plot lines run their course to their happy conclusions. Let’s talk about how these different plot lines all resolve.

The reason for the marriage being rushed is that Jack is getting frustrated that it keeps getting pushed back, so come hell or high water, he’s going to make it happen before Christmas. The marriage runs into a few small speed bumps with finding a preacher at the last minute, getting the wedding together at the last minute, and getting the marriage license also at the last minute. It’s the standard stuff you’d expect. Martha’s husband marries them since he is the mayor. They get the marriage license since Cassie has been around long enough legally that the government says that’s enough to establish an identity. I’m not sure it really works that way, but it’s a movie, and a very minor point that is just there to stall the film a bit.

Martha goes around trying to sell herself as a prospective employee, but she’s pissed off too many people for that to be an easy task.

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In the end, she’ll become a party planner. Cassie is the one who suggests this to Martha. In this one, more than others, she seems to be more conscious of these actions to help people. I swear I remember in the past that she treaded the line between some sort of an all knowing being, and a regular human better.

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As for grandpa, that’s actually easy. He moves in to take care of Grey House and the B&B with Cassie.

The hard one is getting Jodi and her father back together. That’s really what Cassie puts her mind too. In the end, that works out too, but she has to attack that problem from several angles. Turning the money in is the major step he takes to turn things around for him and his family.

It really has been awhile since I watched other Good Witch movies, but this one felt a little different. I recall the others having a main plot, and several micro-plots around it that really didn’t have any reason to be there. This time around we have the Deeks plot line that has some more importance, but they are all treated rather equally, tie together, and have a central theme. Kind of like a Good Witch version of Signed, Sealed, Delivered: From The Heart (2016) except that it doesn’t have so many plots that it gets overwhelming. This is average, but recommendable as far as Good Witch movies go.

Film Review: Jason Bourne (2016, dir. Paul Greengrass)


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I most certainly do know his name. It’s John Rambo. I kept thinking of that fake ad for a Rambo style movie from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City throughout the film.

Take the beginning of Rambo III (1988), and make it the whole movie. That being tracking him down to bring him in, so he can be sent out on a mission. Throw in that surveillance thing from the TV Show Person of Interest. Add a little of the 60 Minutes fueled paranoia about technology that filled the movie Blackhat (2015). Copy the ending of Terminator: Genisys (2015), but make it about swapping out love interests to reboot the franchise. Make sure to shake the camera a bunch, put in unnecessary zooms, and editing that at times gets so frantic you lose track of what is happening. Endless action must be there too since people paid to see spectacle rather than just setup. That’s Jason Bourne in a nutshell. It is a film cobbled together from elements you are already familiar with from other films, you get some action for your money, and then are sequel baited before the credits roll.

Don’t see it in theaters like I did. If you are a big movie lover or an action junkie, then check it out on DVD. If you aren’t, then don’t watch it in any form whatsoever. It’s not worth it for the casual viewer.

That’s my short review, which I know I can’t be the only one who likes to read about a film that is brand new.

Now if you want to hear more about the film, then read on. I will do my best without physical access to the film, or proper screenshots. I refuse to use promotional ones. I want to be able to show you goofs like making an IP Address be internal by being 192 at the start, but still making the second number 256 for no reason at all. They won’t show that kind of thing in promo material. I will also spoil the ending that really isn’t a spoiler. You already know simply by the fact that there are clearly planned sequels that can’t exist without Bourne.

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First, I have to confess that I did not see the last entry in the series. I have seen all the ones before that, but not the Jeremy Renner one. I doubt it makes any difference, but I thought you should know.

The movie starts off the way Casino Royale (2006) does by giving us a recap of Bourne’s previous kills. Just like Bond, it means he is in, and isn’t going to get back out again. That’s when it cuts to him fighting in an organized fight club type thing a la Rambo to get away from it all. At the same time, we are introduced to the two main people who will be chasing after Bourne. That’s Heather Lee played by Alicia Vikander and the director of the CIA played by Tommy Lee Jones.

Bourne is in Greece, which is in turmoil. They get hot his trail very quickly courtesy of Julia Stiles who makes a return, so she can lead Lee to Bourne before making sure she gets shot and killed. No joke. She hacks her way into a system they are monitoring to find Bourne herself, they catch on, they catch up, and she gets shot. There’s your setup for the movie. Bourne is drawn back into things whether he likes it or not while he is being hunted.

The next important thing isn’t really important at all, but will take up time in the movie nonetheless. It’s Tommy Lee Jones harassing a tech giant that he apparently gave money to so that he could start his company. He wants him to put in a backdoor in his very popular social network so that the CIA can spy on everyone. Yes, they do bring up Snowden because of course they do. This part of the story exists in the movie, but honestly plays very little into things except to give a purpose for drawing Bourne into something good rather than simply being the super solider who came in from the cold. It’s how Lee and Tommy Lee Jones handle the situation that tells Bourne where he stands, and sets up the sequel.

At a certain point the action takes over the film completely. Yes, there is quite a bit of fast-paced tracking sequences early on, but by the time the real action starts, you get to see a SWAT van act like a snow plow going down the street knocking cars left and right. I went with two friends, and neither of them could stop talking about the action. Things like “how did they do that” kept coming up. Obviously it’s a mix of practical effects and CGI, but there is just so much of it filled with quick cuts that you are overwhelmed as they were. It made me long for something simple like The Dark Knight (2008). However, I want to make it clear that I never lost a sense of space. That’s a deathblow to action sequences. It’s when the film isn’t shot properly so that instead of understanding the space in which the action takes place and the relation between the characters, you wind up with a bunch of disconnected actions scenes. I never felt that way watching this movie.

In the end, the tech giant is nearly assassinated, but rescued, and only gets shot in the chest. Tommy Lee Jones is killed off in a scene that reminded me of when RoboCop confronted Ronny Cox. Heather Lee is now situated as a go-between Bourne and the people who want to use him. They barely scratch at those special behind the scenes people with some flashbacks and a few documents. I figure that is what we will get a more fleshed out version of in the follow-up films.

That’s my longer review. Bourne walks away not telling Lee how she will get in touch with him. She does get into her car, and picks up some sort of device, but I honestly don’t recall what it was. The point is, she is both the new point-man, and probably a love interest down the road.

If that sounds like something you want to see, then more power to you!

Film Review: Ex Machina (2015, dir. Alex Garland)


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I know this was already reviewed by Leon last year. I watched it for the first time this March. It has bothered me ever since, so I decided to purge it from my system by writing my own review of the film. Can you tell I didn’t really like it?

The movie opens up and we meet our main character Caleb (Domhnall Gleeson). He just won the “Staff Lottery”.

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Whatever gets him out of having to program a search algorithm in C++ is a good thing. C++ is not the most fun language to program in, which is why I assume he switches to using Python later on in the film. If you think that’s going to lead to Caleb asking the robot about non-computable functions such as The Halting Problem, then you’re going to be very disappointed. These are functions that to a computer cannot be evaluated to obtain their result. That means there are problems that cannot be solved by machine intelligence. This of course leads to a debate about what exactly does natural intelligence have that machine intelligence doesn’t, and what does that say about whether a machine has consciousness. All things that will not be brought up. These are things I learned in a course I took before a basic ground level Computer Science course. A remedial CS course. Caleb not knowing these things is like making a movie about racing when the main character, who is a mechanic, can’t change a tire.

Now we are off to where Oscar Isaac’s character lives.

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I know his name is Nathan, but I just kept referring to him as Beard while watching the film. When Caleb shows up to enter his place I had to pause the movie.

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I love watching movies on the iPad with the Amazon Prime app because it not only tells you the characters, but it also drops in trivia about the current scene. This is how I know that this takes place at the Juvet Landscape Hotel in Alstad, Valldal, Norway. Beard has a pretty nice place. It comes with it’s own Kubrickian hallways…

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The Shining (1980, dir. Stanley Kubrick)

The Shining (1980, dir. Stanley Kubrick)

and Oldboy (2003) prison rooms.

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Oldboy (2003, dir. Chan-wook Park)

Oldboy (2003, dir. Chan-wook Park)

Beard gives Caleb a key that will only open rooms and let him use devices that he is allowed to use. It’s kind of like a computer game. In fact, that’s how you could describe the whole movie in a nutshell. It’s a game composed of cutscenes with the robot and Beard, except you don’t get to run around in between, and there are no dialog trees.

After showing Caleb into his room, he tells him he needs to sign an Non-Disclosure Agreement. Again, I had to pause the movie here cause I was taking care of my dog while a new ceiling fan was being put in.

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Okay, if you say so, then Beard saying his home is his research facility is a reference to It’s A Wonderful Life (1946). Now we get the Ex Machina definition of what a Turing Test is that isn’t what a Turing Test actually is. Caleb says:

“I know what the Turing Test is. It’s when a human interacts with a computer. And if the human doesn’t know they’re interacting with a computer, the test is passed”

Actually, the Turing Test is when you have a “Human interrogator” that is separated by a barrier with an isolated interface that let’s the interrogator interact with two sources that are both separated from each other and the interface. One source is a human being who has never met the interrogator. The other source is a machine that is being tested. If the interrogator cannot distinguish the two sources from each other than robot has passed the test.

Such a test is never really performed in this film unless you think that the point when Caleb cuts himself, he believes he might be a robot because he thinks he is indistinguishable from the robot. It’s not the same, but it may have been stuck in there to allude to that. Regardless, it means that it would be literally impossible for the Turing Test to even be performed since it would require three humans (a source, an interrogator, and someone setting up the experiment), and there are only two humans at Beard’s home. Here’s a nice diagram from the Second Edition of Introduction to Artificial Intelligence by Philip C. Jackson Jr.

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It doesn’t really prove that the computer has “artificial intelligence” either, but that a human being can’t tell the difference. That simply means it can pass for human in this controlled environment. That’s of course why the film will unceremoniously toss it aside in favor of a setup that will allow for a lot of engagement between actors that is done face-to-face.

Thus begins the “test”.

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We see Beard’s office first which is covered with post-it notes. I haven’t seen that since I think either the remake of Oldboy or that episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 where Brandon covered a professor’s office with them. Caleb also sees foreshadowing about previous robots who got a little cabin fever when he enters the interrogation room.

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Yes, that is glass. Does he turn right around and walk out because he has obviously been lied to about taking part in a Turing Test? Nope. We just meet Ava played by Alicia Vikander.

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I have to admit that I feel a little sorry for her. She really was cast in some terrible movies in 2015. You have this movie of course. You have her in The Man from U.N.C.L.E. where she is just there to make a reference to Anita Ekberg in La Dolce Vita (1959) by standing in a fountain while the male leads all but start making out. She was in The Danish Girl (2015) that will have more people asking children about their genitals since it makes being transgender all about bottom surgery. I loved how it didn’t tell you she had a uterus transplant at the end. Probably because leaving it in would mean the movie is actually equating having babies with identifying oneself as a woman like people think Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) did. Then she was also in Burnt (2015), but I’ll be damned if I could find her in it while watching it.

No, I’m not kidding about The Danish Girl having that effect. People ask transgender children all the time about whether they plan to have surgery when they get older and that movie doesn’t help. Neither do other things, but I refuse to review that movie right now.

After some initial pleasantries, he asks how she learned to speak. She says she “always knew how to speak.” She also says she thinks she is clever since “language is something that people acquire” but she can apparently do it out of the box. He responds about language being inborn in the human mind, and that it is only attachment of words to this built-in stuff that allows us to speak. You could say it’s an explanation for why everyone gets a free language. This confuses Ava, but I’m more confused why rebooting Tomb Raider in 2018 with her as Lara Croft is a thing that’s happening. This is also a conversation of foreshadowing because we will get an explanation later that, surprise, surprise, shows again that Caleb really doesn’t know about Computer Science.

Now you’d think they would leave the Turing Test thing behind here, but no. They feel the need to rub their nose in it some more.

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He says that “if I hid Ava from you, so you just heard her voice, she would pass for human.” Maybe, except the Turing Test uses terminals, not voices, since that really wouldn’t be a test of human intelligence, but speech synthesis. Take for example talking to Siri or a similar intelligent agent. The very fact that it speaks instantly makes people start to think of it as human. That’s an example of Weak AI rather than Strong AI, which is what Ava is supposed to be. They’ll bring up Strong AI later, but will conveniently leave out Weak AI because it would open up holes in the film.

He wants to show him Ava, then see if he feels she has consciousness. What he is actually saying is whether he has effectively recreated superficial aspects of a humanoid robot with a reasonably passable intelligent agent controlling those parts. That’s not even close to the same thing. That would be like saying you have proven somebody actually works for immigration because illegal immigrants run when they see someone in pressed pants, a white shirt, and holding a clipboard enter a factory. You’ve simply proven that you can make something that can socially engineer a person. This is why the separation factor is so important to not have in a movie like this that can’t have its ending if it doesn’t ignore these things.

I don’t know why he couldn’t just say that he already had some people test her in a proper Turing Test, but now he wants him to do what he is asking him rather than just claiming that of course she would pass. Oh, well.

Since this movie isn’t very well written, they now have Caleb spout some jargon about her language abilities. Beard quickly shuts this down by saying he isn’t going to explain how she works. By that, he means until later when he decides to do just that in order to remind us of a real world event that happened a few years ago. The power soon goes out after this too for the purposes of foreshadowing that somebody is doing it, and it changes where and what Caleb is able to do with his keycard.

Caleb is now woken up by some speechless Asian lady robot.

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That makes two female robots. There must be a male one around here somewhere, right? Of course not. This would lead any reasonable person to wonder if he is building a brothel for straight men. The actual reason the movie tries to subtly slip in is that part of them being human is sexuality and gender. I’m assuming that means he has to test to make sure their vaginas work, and since they are both straight, then the robots must be women. Nope, still comes across like he is building a brothel.

Now Beard and Caleb have another conversation about how to test her. He basically breaks out more jargon, which Beard says isn’t important because too much thinking gets in the way of the drama and building of tension. Seriously, before it cuts to the image below, he says: “How does she feel about you?”

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It starts off with Ava showing him a picture, but they already want to turn the tables and have Ava ask Caleb questions as if we really are interested in him. But first we find out that Caleb works for Beard’s own version of Google. Then the funniest thing in the movie happens.

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He says that he is an advanced programmer. Sure, Caleb. Sure, and the majority of people knew what a race condition was when they started up Steve Jobs (2015).

Ava goes on to brag about how Beard wrote the code for not-Google when he was 13. She then asks him if he likes Mozart to which he responds that he likes Depeche Mode. What are you trying to say here, Garland? Maybe that people are people? Doesn’t matter because she doesn’t want to listen. She has other priorities like setting up the ending. The movie actually has very little to with robots. It’s about a woman who is imprisoned and uses the dumbest guy she can find to manipulate in order to get out. That’s the real movie in a nutshell. You won’t be asking yourself interesting questions here. It’s all kind of sleight of hand with what appears to be intelligent writing. Then the power goes out again and she takes credit for it before trying to drive a wedge between Caleb and Beard.

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Then the power comes back online.

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I have an idea. Ask her if on a hot summer night would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses. It’s totally random. No matter what she says, you respond that you bet she says that to all the boys. See how she responds. Of course not. This game has you on strict rails and doesn’t give you a dialog tree.

Blah, blah, blah. Now Beard says he is going to show Caleb where he created Ava even though he said he wasn’t going to tell him how she works earlier because it would ruin the test. Remember that they have established that Caleb is an advanced programmer, and at least as a degree in Computer Science. Beard asks him if he knows how he got her to “read and duplicate facial expressions.” That’s easy, you simply get a lot of training data and use it train something like a neural network or some other statistical model. Basic stuff for someone with a Computer Science degree that people use and interact with everyday in the form of a spam filter.

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Moving onward, Beard reminds us of that incident a few years back when it was discovered that Apple was using people’s iPhones to do war driving in order to improve their location services. In Beard’s specific case, he simple turned on the camera and microphone on cellphones to get a bunch of data and used it to train whatever he is using. He says the search engine itself, but that doesn’t make sense unless you want to say that his Google can search by image and sound bite, thus allowing for him to build a language of sorts between the collected data and the meanings humans assign them. That actually is probably what they were going for given the explanation of language earlier. It still doesn’t explain why they just had Caleb throw up his hands to say he has no idea how it was done.

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Next we find out that writer/director Alex Garland is probably a fan of Quantum Leap. I say that because that is Ava’s brain, which Beard refers to as wetware. What that means is that it should be a combination of physical aspects of the human brain interconnected with mechanical parts to create an artificial intelligence. This is what Ziggy on the show Quantum Leap has as its’ “brain”. That’s why they refer to her as a hybrid computer, and as having aspects of Sam in her since the brain cells are his. We also find out that the software running on it is his version of Google’s search engine.

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After showing Caleb another picture, she decides to manipulate him more by putting on hair and clothes. I had to pause the movie again here.

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In other words, they told her to just walk rather than walk while swinging her hips. I’m not sure why that was a thing they bothered with honestly. Without that bit of trivia popping up it would have just come across as someone who was shy rather than someone who was starting to conform to the gender forced upon them by form and/or programming.

Now we get Caleb explaining that AI doesn’t need a gender, so that they can get into a conversation that amounts to explaining how things such as neural networks work by using sexual preference as an analogy. A neural network is a graph formed of vertices and lines that is based on the way the human brain works. The vertices have some sort of function that acts on the inputs that are sent into it in order to spit out a value either as a final result or as inputs to other vertices. The lines have a weight that is assigned to them, which is then multiplied by the value being sent along it in order to create the value that enters the vertex it connects to. Here is a very simply example of a neural network taken from AI Application Programming by M. Tim Jones.

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What this all means is that using certain techniques such as backwards propagation, you can send information through such a network that in turn adjusts the weights in order to change the way it will operate by changing what it will output. In the context of his explanation, it means that if you pass a bunch of black girls through your brain, and you respond in a certain way, then your brain’s own neural network adjusts to having an attraction to them, or developing a dislike of them sexually. It also depends on the structure of said brain initially and how it is formed during your early years. To go back to the mathematical example, it would mean how many vertices you have, how they are linked, and the functions at each vertex.

Caleb doesn’t seem to understand because he isn’t very good at Computer Science. Beard takes Caleb into a room with a Jackson Pollock painting.

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He tries to explain what Automatic Art is to Caleb. It sounds like he is referencing Fuzzy Logic to me, which is when instead of using simple true and false, or 0 and 1, you make decisions based on everything in between 0 and 1. It’s not a fixed algorithmic if this then that, but something more human.

Then Beard references Star Trek by telling Caleb to “Engage intellect”. I’m still thinking he is making a brothel, so I’ll go with Mudd’s Women as the episode of the original series he is referencing. Amazon Prime says it’s a reference to the episode Requiem for Methuselah. I also think of The Measure of a Man from Star Trek: TNG where Data’s designation of being sentient or property is put on trial.

Beard now asks him to reverse the challenge of doing something not partially deliberate and partially unconscious. He asks Caleb what would happen if Pollock didn’t make a single mark if he didn’t know exactly what he was doing. Caleb says that he wouldn’t have made a single mark. In other words, he is describing the difference between how humans operate with fuzzy logic instead of with a strict rule system. I have a feeling that somebody told Alex Garland about how they tried things like theorem-proving software and knowledge systems in AI before Strong AI research collapsed and we switched to research into Weak AI. Weak AI being what we have been enjoying at an ever-growing rate since the 1980s in the form of speech recognition, image identification, and even programs that can write new songs in the style of Bob Dylan. Those things operate on probabilities, which when attached to incoming examples such as speech, images, and lyrics written by Bob Dylan will spit out another probability that is used to make a decision while also creating something that will make the kind of decisions you want based on the samples you gave it. Thus, it isn’t a strict rule, but something in between structure of the model and the current state of the probabilities in that model being used to generate the result. The Bob Dylan example would be feeding his lyrics into a chain that builds a series of probabilities between words so that if you picked a starting word, then it would generate the rest of the words based on the actual lyrics Bob Dylan wrote. You can do this with music as well. They are called Markov Chains/Hidden Markov Models in both cases.

This is all stuff to make you think that the more information you give to Google, then if the model is built correctly, all that data created by human beings will train that model to operate as a human does by becoming predictive of correct human behavior. Unfortunately, that’s not Strong AI. It’s simply Weak AI used on a large scale that impresses us the way a shiny object does a small child.

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Then Caleb comes right out and tells Ava he took a semester in AI. Yeah, sure you did Caleb. I took one and a half of them at Cal. Trust me when I say that if Anastasia Steele from Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) is the worst English major in recent film, then Caleb is the worst Computer Science major in recent movies.

Why does he say this? He says it because the movie wants to get arty by showing black and white shots. No really, there is no other reason. Caleb brings up a famous thought experiment about a person living in a black and white room who has perfect knowledge of color without having ever stepped out of that room. That would mean that the person in question would have never experienced color. However, Caleb screws this up by saying:

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Hmmm…you mean like the colors in the image I just posted that would show up on a black and white monitor, Caleb? He breaks the thought experiment simply so the film can show shots like that. He says that it gives her experience, which perfect knowledge about something doesn’t give you. That difference between pure knowledge and how something makes you feel is supposed to be the difference between human and machine intelligence according to Caleb. That’s why she mentions that she wants to go to a busy intersection if she is ever allowed to leave at a point in the movie. Of course the movie realizes that it needs to move the plot along instead of getting too smart so Ava messes with the power again to try and guilt Caleb some more. Boring.

Time for another session with Beard for Caleb. Nothing really happens here of consequence. Then more artsy shots and Beard banging the Asian lady robot. This is followed by Asian lady and Beard disco dancing to Oliver Cheatham’s Get Down It’s Saturday Night. I’m guessing Alex Garland also played Grand Theft Auto: Vice City since it’s on that soundtrack for the Fever 105 station hosted by Oliver “Ladykiller” Biscuit. It’s also there so that Lisa could have a scene from this movie to include as a dance scene that she loves.

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Unfortunately, Caleb doesn’t want to cool off on Saturday night, or any other night right now. He’s pissed off because the movie can’t really decide whether it wants to be smart about the technical stuff, or whether it wants to focus on that other boring prison break plot.

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There’s numerous questions that are batted back and forth here, but the only one that was important to me is that according to Ava she has an off switch like Data.

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So, why do they fight her before the Ms. 45 (1981) backstabbing ending when they could have simply turned her off? No matter. The conversations with her in this movie really aren’t the actual sessions. The sessions are with Beard. It’s time for Beard to think that Strong AI is right around the corner, and misunderstand what the singularity means.

I love how Beard makes sure to mention that the bodies are kept around after he builds the next model. He does this not for any in-movie reason, but for the horror factor of a bunch of bodies and so that Ava has a place to get skin later in the movie.

Beard brings up the singularity now and he seems to be confusing it for Terminator 2 (1991). The singularity is not when robots take over and replace us. The singularity is a point at which progress begins to outstrip our ability to fully comprehend the changes it creates till we essentially can do whatever we want. It’s like the Krell in Forbidden Planet (1956). Another example would be The Ancients in Stargate SG-1 who shed their material form and ascended into the freedom of pure energy. Not exactly something you whip out the Oppenheimer quote about being the destroyer of worlds when discussing. It’s an evolution, but not at the expense of the existence of humans. However, at this point the film is on autopilot towards its very unsatisfying conclusion, so who cares.

With Beard knocked out from drinking, Caleb decides to write a prime number generator.

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He is supposedly working to free Ava, but he will not use that prime number generator to keep the power system busy like they did in Real Genius (1985). Also, why the comments? It’s almost as funny as in Blackhat (2015) when they didn’t seem to know that comments disappear when you compile code, which means they wouldn’t be present when you decompile something like a virus.

More boring stuff that has very little to do with anything, but looks semi-impressive and atmosphere maintaining if you haven’t already given up on the film like I had long before this point.

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Ava is sitting in a corner to further guilt Caleb along with saying some more stuff and shutting off the power again.

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Good session.

Caleb and Beard talk some more before Ava finally breaks out from her prison. Beard is killed in the process.

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She locks Caleb up and gets away. I was honestly hoping that it would turn out Caleb was a robot, but they made sure to shoot that down by having him cut open his arm at one point. Then they juxtapose that with scenes later in the movie of the actual robots pulling off their skin.

I am part of a social network called Letterboxd. It isn’t a place where I write proper reviews. That’s what this site is for where I can really think about it, and include screenshots. I believe they are crucial. That’s why I use that network for initial gut reactions to what I watch. I try not to bring that over here, but really step through the film. This film isn’t as bad as I thought it was initially. I’m still not a fan though. The film boils down to somebody trying to socially engineer two people in order to make a prison break while we get pseudo-intellectual stabs at real tech stuff while not bothering to maintain consistency throughout the film. It’s not awful as I thought during and after watching it the first time, but it hardly deserves the ridiculous amount positive critical attention it has been getting since its’ release in 2015.

My ultimate conclusion is this: Watch Sneakers (1992), Real Genius (1985), and WarGames (1983) instead. Also, if this movie sparked an interest in AI for you, then run with it, because it is a fascinating subject that is not done justice by this film. My actual semester at Cal in AI was amazing. I had already read several books on the subject prior to taking the class, and it still was some of the most fun I had while at UC Berkeley.

Side notes: The reason for the race condition at the beginning of Steve Jobs is because a race condition is when two or more things try to operate on the same thing that causes unwanted results. Since the film uses Jobs’ brain as a metaphor for end-to-end control, a race condition is a perfect bug that doesn’t jive with what Jobs wants to achieve.

It is interesting that the film has exactly seven sessions with Ava since a byte is comprised of 8 bits. It makes one wonder whether Garland wants you to think it was cut short, there was a zeroth session prior to the official session since computers begin counting at zero, the 8th session is what happens at the very end, or that the missing session that would make it a byte represents that she is truly human and not really a computer anymore. Just something I thought I would pass on.

Film Review: Gums (1976, dir. Robert J. Kaplan)


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With Deep Jaws (1976) over, I decided to watch the full blown porno spoof of Jaws called Gums. Why did I decide to review these two movies again? Oh, and these movies must have known about each other cause they actually say “Deep Jaws” in this film. It’s somehow better made than Deep Jaws, but that’s not saying much. Also, I’m pretty sure the version I have was censored at some point. I say “at some point” because it’s obvious that whoever did it was in on the whole thing. All the runtime is here as far as I know. They just save me some black boxes by putting humorous things there instead. Let’s take a look at this thing.

The movie opens like a slasher movie by giving us an opening kill.

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This time around we have a mermaid that seeks out people, and gives them blow jobs to death. By that, I mean she appears to bite it off after sucking on it for awhile. She also seems to do interpretative dance. I have no idea why, but she does that in this movie on several occasions.

You know the Jaws formula, so let’s introduce this movie’s equivalent of the well-known characters.

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That’s our sheriff. Their actual names aren’t important to anything. He finds the severed penis and stock footage of a beaver.

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The guy who found it says it looks like it was chewed off by a beaver, so they cut to this shot before going back to the characters.

He takes the severed cock back to his office, which immediately turns on his secretary. She comes over to him, so I can show you what I mean by censorship in this movie.

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Definitely censored, but by people who had a sense of humor.

Time to meet the mayor!

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He surprises the sheriff…

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which really makes me think that actor Paul Styles here played Dracula in Suckula (1973).

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

It could be. I mean it turned out that the anchorman from Suckula was Buck in the Back To The Future movies.

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Then a black guy comes in to tell the story of how he was sitting on a small boat while his “twin” brother was sucked to death in the water. I put twin in quotes cause I’m pretty sure it’s the same actor who played both brothers. Here’s what I think of that scene.

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Time to call in a sexpert. Unfortunately Susie Bright would have been only 18 when this movie came out, so they go with a Dr. Smegma.

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He is played by none other than Robert Kerman. Comic book fans may remember him as the Tugboat Captain in Spider-Man (2002). He also showed up in Debbie Does Dallas (1978), Cannibal Holocaust (1980), and Cannibal Ferox (1981) among many other films.

This begins a sex scene that I’m pretty sure has lifted music seeing as I heard some prior to this. No matter, because we quickly go back to the rest of the characters and the deaths hit the papers.

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I love how serious actor Zack Norman takes playing the reporter just before he prints the story. In 1984 he would go on to play Ira in Romancing the Stone. That’s a step up. He could have wound up in Romancing the Bone (1984) instead. He was also in an episode of the 1990’s TV Show The Flash. That means that between him and Robert Kerman, we have both Marvel and DC actors in a Jaws porno spoof.

By the way, “Welcome To Great Head”.

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Ready to meet the Robert Shaw equivalent?

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That’s Nazi Quint played by none other than Brother Theodore. You might recognize him from several places. The year after this, he did the voice of Gollum in The Hobbit and later in The Return of the King (1980). However, most people probably know him from his last role in The ‘Burbs (1989). He actually got his start in films back in the 1940s doing film noir such as The Third Man (1949).

This scene goes on forever with him talking. On the upside, he is the best actor in the film next to Robert Kerman. During this scene I’m even more sure that Paul Styles is Dracula from Suckula.

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Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Makes even more sense when you notice that Terri Hall who plays the mermaid was in one of the movies that is on the same box set as Suckula.

Let’s move on because what the hell is this thing it cuts to next?

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My only guess is that they felt the need to foreshadow that they will use puppets to get the mermaid at the end. I agree with Brother Theodore: “Absolutely disgusting.”

After a bunch of stock footage and nonsense scenes that were maybe longer originally, we are at the beach and we finally meet our mermaid.

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You might be wondering about now, and the answer is yes. Yes, they do play the actual Jaws theme. That is till the blow job starts, then who knows where this crazy music that starts playing came from.

Dr. Smegma eventually shows up after the mermaid attack and I have to give it to Robert Kerman…

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because he is the only one in the cast who at all resembles a member of the original cast in appearance and acting.

A bunch of weird sex things happen now that aren’t important. You don’t want to hear about Porno Dreyfuss and his sex doll that he insists on bringing over to the sheriff’s place. I mean involving animals weird. It gets really bizarre.

It eventually gets back to the plot, but not before it makes a mermaid joke.

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That’s the famous “Chicken of the Sea” as Porno Dreyfuss says. Somebody gets attacked, and the next day it’s time for Brother Theodore to monologue again like he did at the town hall meeting before they set off to get her.

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Porno Dreyfuss is happy cause he spots the sheriff’s secretary in a boat mostly naked. This is when we find out that not only does the mermaid dance, but I’m pretty sure she eats out the secretary to death. How does that work? In the end, the mermaid dances off into the water and the secretary looks dead on the beach.

Now the mermaid attacks the boat, and we get the dumbest peace of censorship in the movie.

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This happens when the mermaid attacks Porno Dreyfuss through the toilet. I’m not showing the shot of her head popping out of the toilet. It might give you nightmares.

The rest is just a really lame recreation of the ending of Jaws till they just throw out the people, replace them with small puppets, and then she sucks on something that explodes. Roll credits!

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I wish this version hadn’t been censored because I’m sure it would have made more sense, but at least they were trying for something and could actually do things. Deep Jaws just messed around till it dropped a space capsule in a pool, called it good, and ran the credits.

Do I recommend Gums and/or Deep Jaws? NO! If you want a spoof/homage to Jaws, then watch Blades. I reviewed it briefly last October. The movie is still up legally to watch as well. It’s the one to see. These are both terrible films.

Film Review: Deep Jaws (1976, dir. Perry Dell)


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First things first.

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If there are any local ordinances or community standards that make it possible for you to not watch this movie, then observe them. Feel free to read my review though. Not only because it will put you off wanting to see this as I know you all do, but you’ll get to see how Captain America, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, and Spider-Man could all end up in a fake porno spoof. The weirdest thing about watching this movie is that along with Water Power (1977), people were so AMERICA! in 1976 that both an enema rape porn and this, prominently featured the Bicentennial and American Flag. Let’s dive into this!

The movie starts off with just what you would expect: sex.

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These two are banging in a projection booth while people working for-I kid you not-Uranus studios are trying to watch footage that has been shot for The Night Mt. Rushmore Broke Wind. Ugh! That’s the level of jokes you are in for if you watch this movie. One of the characters soon says: “He’s got the thing upside down and ass backwards.” Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016) with its running joke about burping the worm was more mature than this garbage.

Let’s introduce are main characters:

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That’s attacked by spray tan.

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That’s a slime ball. His real name is PG as in parental guidance. I’m sorry, but Goldengirl came out in 1979 and had breasts the main character talked to, and it was rated PG. Earlier 90s movies had bare ass all the time, and they were still rated PG. The Odd Couple II came out in 1998 and had them not only calling each other “shitheads”, but had an explicit oral sex joke. It was rated PG-13. Good Burger came out one year prior in 1997. It had tons of sexual innuendo including numerous allusions to oral sex via egg rolls and was rated PG.

Somehow, one year after Deep Jaws, the talking vagina movie Chatterbox! would receive an R-rating. Guess that was more of an honorary rating. This movie is unrated cause it has a few shots of penises. Apparently that was a big deal back in 1976? This was well before Lars Von Trier and Gaspar Noé decided to exploit porn to try and remain relevant. That, and exploit Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Black Love (1971). Why is that a thing? Then again, why is Deep Jaws a thing?

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That’s a woman who I’m not sure how they got to be in this.

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That’s an old guy who looks like he belongs in an episode of Soap. I never figured out why he is holding a teddy bear. He does it throughout the film.

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I’m just going to call him Dumbass even though they always call him Junior. He’s Spray Tan’s kid. It’s courtesy of him that superheroes will appear in the film via his T-Shirts.

You want to see the movie they are looking at onscreen?

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I saw this and thought they were watching a 70s version of Space Zombie Bingo!!! (1993).

Here is the appearance of Captain America. Disappointing after seeing Matt Salinger decapitate someone with his shield.

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They keep cutting away to the projection booth sex as if we are getting something out of it. We aren’t. That kind of thing will be repeated many times over throughout the film. I can’t tell you how boring it is to hear these people talk on top of constantly cutting away to the sex. The movie only gets worse from here on out. This opening scene just happens to be particularly painful. How painful? This painful.

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He gets threatened to have his “ass out of Uranus.” Then it just abruptly cuts to the worst of 1970’s interior design.

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This phone call goes on forever. It has something do to with the President of the United States. Who cares? I didn’t. I just kept thinking this guy was reading off of cue cards above him.

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Now we get a whining scene between some woman and PG. Again, like most of the film. Who the hell cares? This film adds some running time onto itself here by having some flashbacks to the projection booth sex scene because we need to repeat that footage. Yuck!

Now we meet the guy from the opening sex scene

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At least I’m pretty sure. No matter, because TITS!

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I will try to spare you the number of times these ladies pop out just to show off their breasts. Just trust me that they wear out their welcome. All six of them. Although, one of them can do the breast equivalent of making one ear pop up and down. That’s something I guess.

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Now lady who I can’t believe is in the movie comes in carrying empty toilet paper rolls. He needs TP for Uranus. I would say his bunghole, but the ladies come out and stick something else in there at some point.

I am taking you through this step by step because the stupidity on display is amazing. We haven’t even gotten to the gay guy who runs after Dumbass to measure the length of his penis. That’s a thing that happens in this film.

Now PG sits out by the pool just so they can show more tits and ass. Acting 1; T&A about a 5. Yes, I did put that there because there is a porno spoof of A Chorus Line out there, but sadly my copy doesn’t have subtitles.

Now the lady who shouldn’t be there has a discussion with this guy about how they should make a porno like Deep Throat (1971). Apparently, this means cutting away to a very fake blow job scene that I guess is a recreation of something from Deep Throat. I haven’t watched it yet. Then it cuts back to them to see him eating her out while she’s upside down against a window. Cause of course she is.

If you are thinking this movie is a bunch of bull when it comes to being a porno/sexploitation film, then it agrees with you because a literal bull’s head shows up now.

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Where does this lead? To a third rate Giancarlo Giannini from Seven Beauties (1975) for another random sex scene.

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The only highlight of this scene is that he drinks from a literal bottle of Spanish Flies.

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This guy works for the studio and is looking for the next Garbo. By that he means Christina Lindberg. Don’t know who she is? She was in Anita: Swedish Nymphet (1975) with Stellan Skarsgård that was later remade by Lars Von Trier as Nymphomaniac, Vol. 1 & 2 (2013).

There is also a pretty terrible song that plays during this scene, but at least it’s better than the Johnny Wet Pants song that makes the HBO/Cinemax/Showtime circuit. That song is terrible! So is the one about lesbians they play from time to time. If you feel I’m going on and on now, then good. That’s to give you an idea of how long this sex scene drags on.

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Once you’ve listened to Guns ‘N Roses’ Paradise City and The End by The Doors, then the scene is over and there’s The Incredible Hulk. “You can’t let them close Uranus. It’s gonna be mine someday,” says Junior to his spray tan mom.

Now they get a call from the State Department to film a “simulated version of the Russian-American outer space hook-up.” No idea what that means, but they are given a million dollars to do it thanks to Kissinger. What do they do? They decide to embezzle the money by simply making a cheap porno. I’m not a fan of gay stereotypes, but I like this guy’s idea to make it a gay porn involving a homosexual shark and mermen. This comes after they agree that a “sexaster” movie is the way to go. They then go off to search for Miss Deep Jaws by not actually doing anything at the moment.

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I say that because they cut back to the other guy who is having a fake blow job. Then we come back to put this plan together after watching a lady play the clarinet naked. Their idea is all well and good, but I was really hoping they would address what is clearly a lost painting of Manos behind them.

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Some things happen now…sort of…not really. We cut back to the sex from earlier because it was just so interesting that it needed to continue. It’s still better than Love (2015). At least this film tells me it’s garbage rather than shoving Godard onscreen text in my face and telling me it’s a masterpiece.

Back at the studio, the lady that is too good for this movie is reading a script. We get a bizarre underwater sequence as a result.

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I think that’s all I can show without having any clue as to what does and does not need black boxing. Anyways, now we get a fine American discussing how he does not want to do something softcore, but maybe they can pretend they will, then actually film a hardcore porn.

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Meanwhile, more sex and awful dialog that isn’t necessary to hear or talk about. In fact, the rest of the movie isn’t necessary to exist. That’s the last 45 minutes or so of the movie I’m referring to here.

Oh, yeah. Dumbass comes in dressed as Hamlet.

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To watch this, or watch Gums (1976) instead. I’ll find out soon enough whether anyone should watch either of them. Dumbass does get cast in the film as the male lead because what other purpose could he possibly serve in this movie otherwise.

Meanwhile, that foreign guy tries to eat a girl out or something. Then before you know it, he rides off on his bike like he’s Italian Batman.

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There’s some mix up about the casting now. At least the film knows we don’t care, so it brings out tits and the ladies attached to them to kill time.

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He has a thermometer stuck up his butt here too I think. Now for the long awaiting appearance from Thor.

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This is when the movie just goes on autopilot if autopilot was a program written by a grade schooler. It bounces around till it comes literally crashing into a pool at the end. With that in mind, here’s the second appearance of The Hulk.

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Yes, there was sex in there too. Moving on. I like this All American’s idea.

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He thinks they should take the women’s lib. approach and make the film a lesbian porn. You have to admit that if you’re in his situation, then that’s not a bad solution. It works on late night cable. The girl on girl scenes are obviously much easier to film.

Meanwhile, Mother Goose.

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That’s all I have to say about that.

Some construction work goes on now for the space capsule that they are going to splash into the pool to make up for a lack of a cum shot. That’s a sentence I wrote. They clearly needed more American flags on the set.

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Dumbass shows up and has a fake big penis in his shorts that the gay stereotype takes notice of before going off to pick up Miss Deep Jaws at the airport. He has some problems here. Let’s just say that Miss Deep Jaws doesn’t get that no means no.

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On the plus side, he can assure them they have found the right girl for the role before running off to find Dumbass in order to measure his penis.

During this the movie Gums appears to be going on in the pool, but nothing is ever made of it. Gums being the Jaws porno spoof with a mermaid that gives blow jobs to death. Just more pointless padding in a film that is already pointless. How pointless? This sex scene being inserted in while Miss Deep Jaws harasses the gay stereotype is a fine example.

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Also, I lied earlier about the lack of AMERICA! because we find out dumbasses big dick was a Captain America sock all along.

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More things happen before we finally get that appearance of Spider-Man who I’m sure is honored to be here.

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This walking around and talking by the pool goes on for about another 10 minutes, but then they finally drop the “space capsule” in the pool.

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And movie! Or whatever this was before the blood red credits run and an actual theme song using the title plays. Oh, it’s bad as well.

In summary, it’s a horrible movie to have to sit through. In plot summary: they wanted to make a porn, but couldn’t really for some reason, so they thought they would get clever by making a movie about their very situation. It turned out like this movie. However, God bless America because only in the United States could you show this kind of garbage in theaters even in the 1970s.p

Film Review: Fugitive at 17 (2012, dir. Jim Donovan)


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It’s been awhile since I did any of those Amazon Prime Recommendation Worm posts. Anyone who has read them remembers that the posters that are made up for the indie foreign films are often ridiculously misleading. With that in mind, lets look at the disc and menu for this movie.

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She does run right at the beginning of the movie. That’s about it. Oh, and there are no explosions in this film. Let’s take a look at the DVD menu.

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Again, we have those hilarious explosions that don’t exist in the movie. Also, that isn’t her laptop that she pretends to use in the movie. I love the crosshairs because I’m nearly 100% positive that no one shoots at her. I’m also quite sure that there are never choppers used in pursuit of her.

What can we conclude here? That they put “Fugitive” in the title and tried to sell it as if it were The Fugitive (1993). Yes, there is a comparable scene to the beard cutting one in The Fugitive. At least the DVD and the menu are honest that actor Marie Avgeropoulos is nowhere near 17. She was actually 25 when she made this movie. However, they had a good reason for it that I will explain later, so let’s dive in.

After showing our main character Holly (Marie Avgeropoulos) run away into an alley for the title card, we cut to 24 hours earlier in Philadelphia. This is when we get introduced to Holly and her underwhelming laptop.

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She has just installed a new OS so that “this puppy has more processing power than a brand-new computer.” It’s not BackTrack Linux running in a virtual machine that an actual hacker/pen-tester might use. Too bad. I was hoping they would at least have her do some war driving to find a WiFi network to use or set up a WiFi honeypot to capture the network traffic of the bad guy. Nope. She’ll just do bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit. Holly’s friend wants her to hack into the university she has applied to in order to see if she has been accepted. That means it’s time for Holly to show off her ability to look at screenshots inside of a browser and look intently as green text goes by her face.

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Yes, it is a screenshot sitting on the computer’s local hard drive of a browser showing a college’s website that she is viewing in another browser. Now that text starts to roll by.

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I love that she just instantly installs a backdoor. Not to give Tinfinger…I mean Blackhat (2015) too much credit, but at least Thor did a phishing attack to get the password to the system he wanted to break into. However, I do like this.

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Somebody actually knows that deleting things like IDS and firewall logs on your way out is a good idea in order to cover your tracks. Credit where credit is due. Keeping with Accused at 17 and Stalked at 17, Holly’s friend invites her to a college party, which she agrees to attend.

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Now we meet who I call Detective Padding (Christina Cox) and her son (Dylan Van Wylick). I call her that because while she is the one chasing Holly and will come to her rescue at the end, she only exists so that when they need to extend the runtime of the movie, they can cut to her.

Now it’s off to the party. That’s where we meet Dan (Daniel Rindress-Kay) over stealing WiFi from the factory next door to the party.

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Holly pokes around on her cellphone and tells him to try MillerEmployeeGeneral. It’s not likely that would actually work, but those would be the first kind of passwords that you would try before you’d do more involved things. What I love about this whole thing is that they now show her cellphone screen that says she is on cellular, not WiFi.

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Nothing can top “Logan’s Hacking Screen” from the Garage Sale Mystery series or almost every line from the hilariously bad Ex Machina (2015), but this is pretty funny.

Holly’s friend goes backstage with Spencer Oliphant (Casper Van Dien). He slips her some drugs. Unfortunately, she has an allergic reaction of sorts to the drugs that kills her. Fortunately, Holly’s pompadour sense goes off.

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One thing leads to another, and we find out why they cast a 25 year-old.

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When this film decides it’s time for Van Dien to get rough, he is quite rough with her. I’m sure they figured they’d play it safe by casting a 25 year-old rather than one who was only 18 or 19.

Because plot, she winds up getting accused of this whole thing since there was some sort of history of her stealing drugs using her imaginary hacking skills for her sick grandmother and those drugs winding up in the hands of her dead friend.

Now we get another example of her hacking skills. It just might blow your mind.

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Detective Padding gets a call from her son who has dropped his cellphone in the toilet. She actually follows up those lines by asking him how he dropped it in the toilet. I would say that she got her knowledge of boyhood from the film Boyhood (2014), but that was still two years out. Regardless of the fact that she didn’t know her son was masturbating when the phone slipped from his hand, she tells him that they had to confiscate the sorbent along with the rest of the drugs they found. Just kidding, she doesn’t know what to do, so that’s why Holly tells him to remove the battery and the SIM card, clean it off, and then put it in rice, which will act as an absorbent like sorbent does. Of course, that does depend on the phone not having already shorted out. If you want to see a hilarious example of that, then look up the TWiT episode (not sure which show) where Leo Laporte decided to test this stuff you coated your phone in to make it waterproof by dropping it in a glass of water. You could see it short out right away. The best thing about that was that the Apple Genius he took the phone to had seen the episode.

Meanwhile, back in the film, they couldn’t afford a train, so they put her in a van to be transferred. She breaks free when the other prisoners are saved by friends who attack the van. That’s when she decides to recreate the beard cutting scene from The Fugitive. Except Holly doesn’t have a beard to cut, so she dyes her hair instead.

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She also changes clothes and gets her fancy laptop. Now she decides that the place to start is to track down Dan from the party. That’s why she goes to the school website and types “Central University, Employee Log in” into the school site’s search box.

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That gets her right into the student records. As bad as Blackhat was, at least somebody looked up actual Unix commands that Michael Mann could cut to closeup shots of all the time. Again though, credit where credit is due. Dan comes home and…

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finds her in his place already. I love that he asks her how she got in. He got into the “Central University of Pennsylvania” how exactly? Sadly, they will basically say it was due to her ability to pick locks instead of her simply socially engineering someone into letting her in as a girlfriend.

Detective Padding and Holly’s mom try to pretend they are part of the story now before we cut to Dan and Holly as they try to track down Van Dien. It turns out that some guitar players grow out their nails. Van Dien’s long nails are the only thing she remembers strongly about him. When I played, I always kept them short like I do for typing. However, they’ll explain that when you are trying to perform something like Spanish Caravan by The Doors, then having all your fingers on one of your hands as picks is handy.

They figure out the name of a faculty member who teaches music. That means it’s time for Holly to get in contact with Detective Padding so that she can check him out after they are sure he has his nails grown out. It being Lifetime, she interrupts Padding’s son’s near his downward spiral into the world of Internet porn.

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She is using something called Cloud Dial. I guess that’s Lifetime’s version of Skype. Holly eventually gets Padding on the line and it’s so cute how they try to have a Harrison Ford/Tommy Lee Jones conversation, but we need to move on.

As always: Of course Holly quickly finds this teacher and he leads her right to Van Dien. Before paying him a visit, she decides to remind us of a scene from Sneakers (1992).

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To get to her grandmother in the hospital, she pretends to be a singing telegram. It was better in Sneakers when they used several people to overwhelm the staff till one of them gave in and just buzzed in Robert Redford. This version does has Kate Drummond from the Flower Shop Mystery series at the desk though since this movie was filmed in Canada.

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At this point, we can jump over a lot. Basically it’s a bunch of scenes to insure that we get the running time out to a feature film, and make sure Detective Padding and Grandma are still around.

It all comes down to a showdown between Detective Padding, Holly, and Van Dien. Van Dien loses. A quick party for Grandma is held before the movie ends abruptly. Then the first person who is credited is the “Financial Consultant”.

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After that, it’s the standard “players” credits for these “at 17” movies.

Out of the four “at 17” movies I have watched recently, I think it’s a tie between Stalked at 17 and this one. That is if you must watch one of them that I have reviewed.