I know I’m a little late to this one, but there’s a real benefit to that for me. I get to watch part two in a few days. Hallmark was originally going to wait a whole year to air the second part. However, after receiving a bunch of angry feedback, which must have been really bad, they aired the second part in March. Hallmark of course kept calling it “popular demand.” I doubt that. This is going to be a short review because there isn’t a movie here. I’m going to deflate it for you and me. If you’ve already seen The Notebook (2004), then just go watch that again. This could have easily been called Karen Kingsbury’s The Notebook. It’s also one of the most lazily produced Hallmark movies I’ve watched so far. How fast do we get to see that? Here is what it cuts to right after that shot above.
I had no idea that North Carolina moved to the metric system back in the 1990s. I also didn’t know that North Carolina moved to British Columbia, which is the only place Murchie’s exists. That’s Ted McGinley down there as Charlie. He will be a slightly altered psychic version of himself from The Note movies. Inside we find Donna played by Faith Ford.
It also looks like Karen Kingsbury can time travel back to 1997 to place her book released in 2015 on the shelves. It will pop up in other places too. There are of course other recent books back in 1997 as well.
They meet over a copy of Slow Road to Brownsville by David Reynolds, fall in love, get married, she gets pregnant, it’s stillborn, and suddenly they get the idea to create a bookstore in order to get over their loss by helping others via that bookstore. Bookstore made! Enter the kids of the film.
Now we meet every rich young girl heading off to college.
I’m really glad this is a Hallmark movie and not a Lifetime movie, or that shot would probably mean something totally different. Her name is Molly (Katie Findlay) and she’s from a mansion with text floating below it that tells us we are now in “Seattle 2009”. The back of that head belongs to every father who wants their kid to go to college so they can come back and take over the family business. He is played by actor Steve Bacic. Another guy comes into the room here. That sentence alone is about as much acknowledgment of his character this movie gives him. We also find out that Molly and her best friend are actually 300 years old on top of her friend being cute and funny. Those lines and a few others are there because they didn’t have much faith in Katie Findlay and Steve Bacic to convey their relationship to us with their face and body language even though they both did that perfectly. Especially Steve Bacic who comes prepackaged with the face that instantly says that.
Then this happens.
Not sure what happened with the camera there, but moving on. We also find out that her mother is dead because Hallmark, and that Molly has no major. That doesn’t sound odd. She’s a freshman.
Anyways, we are now off to Nashville, Tennessee. Molly nearly walks into oncoming traffic so that her love interest for the movie can rescue her. His name is Ryan (Wyatt Nash) since going with Noah would be too obvious considering a storm is going to wipe out the bookstore in part two.
That thing popping up behind him is a guitar because he’s a musician. They go to sign up for classes and keep finding that they are picking out the same ones. They say it’s to “step outside [their] comfort zone.” He immediately takes her to The Bridge, which is the name of the bookstore. We again find there are Karen Kingsbury books all over the place. Also, Karen has once again used her powers of time travel to make a cameo.
If R.L. Stine can use his ability to slide into different dimensions in order to appear in Goosebumps (2015), then I’m fine with this.
Upon meeting Molly, Charlie immediately is able to tell that she has traveled out of the country, is a sport’s fan, and she loved The Little House Series as a kid. Ryan says Charlie is a magician, but I’m waiting for part two where I’m sure he’s going to turn out to be a Whitelighter. He’s as devoid of self as Brian Krause’s character was on that show. So is Ryan for that matter.
This all goes exactly where you think it does. They look around and he drops her out on a trail to walk home through the forest.
I know that they later explain this as her trying to hide that her Dad has her setup in a great place and she is trying to hide that from him, but this still came across as weird.
Ryan decides to take Molly on a tour of Franklin, Tennessee. He says, “Most people head straight for Nashville, but Franklin is really hitting its stride.” I agree, it is well on its way to turning into Oak Bay, British Columbia as those street signs and banner behind them announce to the audience.
They have some more back and forth, then it’s back to the forest for Molly.
There’s a lot of talking and it is a bit tough to tell how much time has past. It all amounts to them having something they want to do, but needing a kick in the butt in order to follow through with it. That, and even after she tells him about living in a great house, he still leaves her in the forest. She also gives him a copy of Jane Eyre. Never read it, but I have seen I Walked With A Zombie (1943), which probably is the weirdest film adaptation of that book.
Some blonde shows up now for the same reason as the guy from the beginning and is as worth mentioning as a single sentence affords. We need to keep moving cause we have plenty less of this movie to talk about.
Quick scene of Charlie harassing his wife to come to church with him.
No, he doesn’t quote the title of his 2015 movie Do You Believe?, and he gives in to go see a cheesy action flick. Would have made my day if he said the local theater was doing a retrospective of 90s action films and they were going to show Blue Tornado (1991).
The main thing the movie revolves around is an assignment to make a video about where he is going to be in 10 years that Ryan has been given. On the Charlie and Donna side, it’s figuring out that bookstores aren’t just a checkout counter and never really were in order to keep afloat.
Then…well…things sure happen. Sort of. They just spend time together. She starts coming around to not taking over the family business. We find out he can’t sing, but the movie tells us he is amazing and he is offered a chance to drop out to go on tour with someone. You aren’t missing anything. Oh, we do find out that Charlie really likes Christmas!
He also believes that dogs have every right to be chefs.
More things happen. Blah. Then this occurs.
Yes, those three things do happen in quick succession. We see Douglas Sirk snow outside, Ryan says “it’s snowing”, and then Ryan and Molly step outside to no snow falling. It doesn’t start up again either.
Stuff happens and Molly’s cellphone magically goes from being lit to dark a couple of times between camera cuts during a single conversation. That part was at least entertaining.
Ryan and Molly are apart. Charlie and Donna are still together. Donna still won’t go to church with him. And to be continued…
I jumped over scenes, but you missed nothing. They are just people in front of a camera doing and saying nothing of consequence. In other words, it’s like watching The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 (2014). The Bridge is the classic tale of a writer who took a bunch of romance cliches, arranged them into a religious allegory, Hallmark saw what they thought was a gold mine, threw as little money as possible at it, delivered a movie where nothing happens or is resolved, told people they’d have to wait a year for the conclusion, and then were told that was unacceptable by their audience so they aired part two a few a months later. I haven’t read the book, but to give Kingsbury the benefit of the doubt, I would be pissed to see my work turned into this if I were her.
I’ve only glanced at the plot summary for part two, but I’m guessing her stillborn pregnancy isn’t water under The Bridge. It will reappear as a literal storm that destroys the bookstore. Charlie will die in the comfort of his religion and with her side at his side. Donna will come to the Church. The movie will still think we actually care about the two young actor’s story who are there just to have a happy ending contrast to the patchwork life led by Donna and Charlie. Finally, Ryan and Molly will have a kid that will be the grandchild Donna never had after she and Charlie largely adopted Ryan and Molly in their own way. At least that’s what I am expecting.
I have to watch part two at this point, but you don’t have to watch either of them.
Sure looks like the same place from On the Twelfth Day of Christmas and Murder, She Baked: A Plum Pudding Mystery. It may be the same place as in those movies, but I’m not sure. This is North Bay, Ontario you are looking, which is where the film was shot. That’s a step up here since last time they put the title card over a shot of Littleton, New Hampshire.
It looks like these Flower Shop Mystery movies are a thing now. I don’t mind. Especially not when they are written by good old Gary Goldstein. It seems you can always count on a Hallmark film written by Goldstein to have something odd in it. I would love to know if these things are in his scripts and if he does it on purpose, or if it is just a strange coincidence. Regardless, this one is no exception.
The Chicago Cafe has still been changed to the Chicago Bar. Although, you will see Marco (Brennan Elliott) walk around the kitchen of his “bar” carrying groceries. Not sure what that was about. Art On Main has also still been changed to Bloomers Flower Shop via a tarp. It looks fine on her shop, but I don’t get why they bothered with his place. Also, if you go to Google Maps, then you’ll find a Asian character next to the word “Chicago”. I’m guessing that was photoshopped out or the place changed between July 2015 and when they made this. That’s possible seeing as it changed drastically between September 2013 and 2015 according to photos on Google Maps. I lean towards photoshopping because of a scene later, but let’s move on and talk about the movie now.
The movie begins and we get three for the price of one with this screenshot.
First, Abby Knight (Brooke Shields) has been sent money anonymously to deliver black roses to someone. Second, Abby’s assistant Nikki Bender (Kate Drummond) was just reminded she truly works for a nutcase. Turns out Abby already compared the handwriting to signatures on old receipts. She also said she couldn’t get DNA off the envelope flap because it is self-adhesive. That is Nikki’s reaction. That was me when I saw a shot later in this film. Finally, they put the two prominent actors from Degrassi in the same cast listing. But that’s not all!
That’s right! Someone involved with these movies realized they accidentally called it Mills College in the first film. They make sure you know they fixed it. Yes, the plot does revolve around the college, but they show that name a lot. They also have a scene where the news gets the name of the flower shop wrong and they repeatedly yell at the screen to correct them.
We find out that the black roses are for a Bruce Barnes (Daniel Kash) who happens to be the pre-law professor for Abby’s daughter Sydney (Celeste Desjardins). Abby is apparently terrified of him. We also find out that Kenny (Ricardo Hoyos), her TA, is the only thing keeping her in the class. It is pretty cool when your TA is Zig Novak from Degrassi.
Marco now comes in to remind us he still exists. Normally that would be me trying to be funny and cynical, but he seriously only gets in a couple of words before Abby is off and running to the college. Abby runs into an old lawyer friend of hers who teaches at the college. I think this screenshot sums up how much she likes him.
They had some bad experiences in the past. Abby does bring up that up that he “dated and dumped half of [her] friends.” However, I don’t think it helps when one of your answers to that is “I showed every one of your girlfriends a great time, and I would’ve shown you the same, if you’d ever given me a chance.” So, it was all but her that he went out with rather than just half, and he would have shown all of them a “great time.” Good work, pal! No seriously, good job! You made sure no one will care when you are dead. A case they both once worked on that he won is also brought up here to give us information for the ending of the movie.
After talking with her daughter so Sydney can setup a red herring by telling us the guy getting the black roses has famous black pencils, she goes to his office. But first, we have to pass by his secretary to introduce her character and find out there is some obvious friction between her and the professor.
He likes black pencils, is being delivered black roses, and has a black secretary. I totally didn’t spot that while watching the movie. Then we meet Bruce. She winds up calling him a “tool” to Marco, but this site isn’t Hallmark. His character is an asshole. Plain and simple. That’s all you really need to know about him. This is just another setup for Abby to become the prime suspect in the murder that is about to happen. This happens because Abby doesn’t put up with assholes. She decides to turn around outside and go right back to his office after having initially left the building.
Actor Jeff Teravainen has part of a black pencil glued to his chest and isn’t moving. He’s dead. That’s when Abby runs out to get help and I realize just how obvious this film tried to make who the killer is so I’m skipping this part. All you need to know is that no one but Abby was in their with the body. I love how they have Brooke refer to the black roses as “theme roses.” It’s too bad he doesn’t ask what theme. This whole bit is the equivalent of an old murder mystery movie where the detective says the killer is somewhere in this room so nobody leave the house.
She returns to the shop where Marco and Abby have a little back and forth about Abby keeping a “low profile.” Then we find out that this must be the official news station of Hallmark movies…
Then we meet Connor McKay of the Illinois-Eagle Times.
Pat Mastroianni can call himself whatever he wants in this movie, but he will always be…
Degrassi Junior High
in my heart. By the way, between him and actor Ricardo Koyos, that means we have an actor from the first episode of Degrassi-discounting The Kids of Degrassi Street-and an actor from the most recent episode of Degrassi in the same movie together. That’s awesome! Sadly, he’s barely in the movie. Maybe he’ll be a recurring character seeing as the press is bound to keep popping up in these movies.
Now it’s time to vent to Beau Bridges, which also reminds us he exists because he’s gone as fast as Marco. This is followed by another fly over of the actual place they filmed this in. I can’t tell you how refreshing this is after that last few Hallmark movies I watched that pieced together stock footage from all over the place. Along those lines, I give them credit for this too.
Often when a Hallmark movie shows a newspaper or an article online then they just use someone else’s writing. Sometimes they slightly modify it. The first film did it. That’s probably here as well, but they made sure to put this wrapping on it so that I wasn’t able to notice. Good work!
The detective comes in to remind us that Abby had knocked over pencils in the professor’s office earlier so that her fingerprints would be on the one that killed the guy. With his lines done, actor Paulino Nunes makes his exit. He has to get back to beating out other actors for having the highest number of acting credits in a lifetime. He’s a busy man.
Now the suspects board comes out.
I hope you like that board because you will be looking at it and listening to a lot of conversations around it during this movie. Explaining all the info dropped at this board would be really boring. So, let’s laugh at this lady’s shocked look on her face when she sees Abby, who is now famous as a potential murderer, walking on the street.
On the upside for Abby, business has picked up since she has become a prime suspect in a murder. People all want those black “revenge roses”. Nikki says they are “for bad occasions. Arguments, divorces, breakups, just to say ‘I hate you’.” That part is immediately followed by a scene with the detective where Brooke Shields does this after venting about the dead man, which included calling him a “womanizer”.
After Marco and Abby talk to each other, they go on a stakeout like they did in the first movie. This time it’s of the dead guy’s funeral on the ground floor of a building with windows. Marco heads in to scope things out while Abby uses her binoculars. Joey Jeremiah stops by her car to remind us he is still in the movie before leaving again. In here Marco gets in a conversation with the dead guy’s wife so I can be proven wrong part way through writing this review. Turns out it’s “Chicago Bar and Grill”. He even calls it a restaurant. This only leaves me more confused. We can clearly see neighboring businesses have their real names. Well, they did seem to remove where it says “Lingerie & Luxuries” on Cintra May’s, which is next door to his Bar and Grill, but still. I guess they thought it would constitute official endorsement, or maybe that’s what it was called in the book. I don’t know.
We are also reminded that Barnes is a jerk to his secretary. Kenny also shows up to the funeral to again remind us he is in the movie still. I really think this movie wanted you to constantly think that it had to be one of the actors from Degrassi since they are kind of on the periphery of all the action. Heck, Joey is actually seen in the background looking in Abby’s flower shop in the dark at one point. We also learn that Kenny was real friendly with a guy who was involved in a case awhile back.
Board time!
Abby goes and talks with Kenny who mentions some internship that the dead guy supposedly secured him. He also mentions that the dead guy had just split up with a woman so that we suspect the secretary.
This is when Kelly Taylor popped up to tell me it’s time to dance.
I will not! I looked through a bunch of episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210 to find an onscreen writing credit for Gary Goldstein to include here, but failed. I’m not happy. Help me, Beau!
Yeah, but I’m not supposed to eat ice cream anymore. However, we’ve now reached the point where you have the setup of this film. I could take you through the rest, but it would be me regurgitating their mulling over the board and getting information to add to that board by talking to people. It’s as boring as it sounds.
My final thoughts are these. They dropped the extra guy who was in the first one. That’s a plus. Another plus is that they didn’t have to do any setup so we could cut right to Marco and Abby solving a mystery. However, I swear I remember more snappy screwball comedy back and forth between them in the first film, and it just isn’t here. Luckily, we do have another one of these films coming in June. Gary seemed to try to improve between the first and second, so maybe the third one will bring in more of that kind of dialogue. Also, the board thing really gets annoying. It didn’t help to organize the facts, but seemed to just confuse me more. Maybe that was the intention. Regardless, I can’t recommend this one even if it did have Pat Mastroianni in it who I really hope will be playing a recurring character.
Now, if you want to know who did it, then scroll past this picture of another fine moment of Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High. This was back when he was probably small enough that Brooke Shields could have easily broken him in half. He’s really tiny in that first episode.
There are no songs to include this time so you can stop here.
Okay, here you go. Kenny did it. He had worked on a case with the guy who was killed. A case Abby was on back when she worked as a lawyer. He wasn’t given the credit for his work. Kenny wanted to get away from his father. His father bribed the dead guy to not give Kenny a clerkship far away since he wanted him to take over the family business. Kenny saw an opportunity to kill the professor and blame it on Abby. He made sure to do it before the dead professor sent out any of the letters about the job. That way he could arrange to get it himself. Thus, he would escape his father.
Not too satisfying of an ending. Not too satisfying of a mystery. Not too satisfying of a movie. Skip this one.
Okay, let’s get them out of the way right up front. If you felt burned by Chance at Romance, then take a chance on Love by Chance. That’s the first joke that came to mind when I heard the title of this movie. Lucky for me, it turned out to be accurate. This is one of the best Hallmark movies I’ve seen so far. I am up to 168 at the time of writing this. The other thing is this opening piece of stock footage.
They cut to that right after a shot of the space needle, which told us this is supposed to be Seattle. There’s no way someone realistically would notice this while watching the movie, but I did when I went over my screenshots to write this review. Look at the street signs. I’m pretty sure this is stock footage from China. Either that, or it’s a Chinatown somewhere. Those street signs have Chinese characters on them and the Romanized version of those characters. I looked where they got their stock footage for this film and couldn’t find it.
Now let’s talk about the movie.
The movie opens up by reminding us that pastries exist before teasing long time Hallmark fans as to whether they can figure out if the bakery is using the same set as the kitchen from the Murder, She Baked series. It isn’t. This one is much larger whereas the kitchen in that series always felt surprisingly claustrophobic in its size. During this we are introduced to our secondary lady of the film named Claire Michaels played by Beau Garrett.
That’s right! I said secondary. This isn’t really her movie and how she ends up with Eric Carlton played by Benjamin Ayres. Hallmark knew this. It’s Brenda Strong that they interviewed on Home & Family to plug this movie, not Beau Garrett. I don’t watch the show, but this always pops up during the credits of these movies. They tease a talk with the star of the movie that you just watched.
Brenda Strong plays the mom named Helen Michaels. Despite her being in a lot of stuff over the years people probably still remember her best from the couple of episodes of Seinfeld she was is in back in the 90s as Sue Ellen Mischke. Since I don’t have that particular season of Seinfeld, you are stuck being reminded that she was in the lousy film The Leisure Class last year.
The Leisure Class (2015, dir. Jason Mann)
Or I’m sure if Lisa could, then she would have me insert a Degrassi animated GIF to describe just how much she disliked that movie.
By the way, along with Bridget Regan who was in The Magic Stocking, that makes two actors from The Leisure Class who were also in Hallmark movies in the past year.
The other main actor in this film is Brenda Strong’s husband Sam Michaels played by actor Garwin Sanford.
You have no idea how much it bothered me trying to remember where I knew this guy from. I sometimes wish Hallmark would popup a thing on the screen that would say, “Here’s where you might know such and such actor from.” In his case, he played Narim on Stargate SG-1.
He was kind of the humans go between guy with one of the very advanced races the team encountered along with the Tokra, The Nox, and The Asgard. The difference was that the Tollan were incredibly arrogant, isolationist, and thought their superior technology meant they were automatically safe from any threat. They were practically offended at the idea that someone would say they might be in trouble. In the end, their race was brutally wiped out.
Stargate SG-1
With Garwin Sanford showing up in this movie, that makes at least two major/very memorable side characters who have shown up in Hallmark movies from Stargate SG-1 in the past month with Michael Shanks being in Hearts of Spring. I especially bring up Sanford’s role on that show because if you do remember him from that series, then know that he plays the husband in a similar fashion. In Stargate SG-1 he was level-headed, kind, charming, had a bit of a child-like wonder about things, and a great deal of maturity about him and the way he spoke. That’s him in this movie to Brenda Strong’s nutty matchmaking mother. Whereas in that he was that to Amanda Tapping who incidentally was named Samantha, but was always called Sam. I’m sure that’s not a coincidence on Hallmark’s part that his name in this movie is Sam.
The parents are so much the center of attention of the movie here that I am going to kind of treat this like a Godfrey Ho movie. If you already have heard me explain what that means in another review, then you feel free to skip over this explanation. Ho was a director in Asia who popularized the cut and paste technique of filmmaking. He would take old or unreleased films from the region, shoot some footage with caucasian actors, then clumsily spliced them together. In reviewing his films, it’s common practice to review each set of footage separately, while occasionally mentioning how the two unrelated plots are connected. Sometimes you will even find the caucasian footage on YouTube edited out of the other original film. That’s how I’m going to review this movie. I’m mainly just going to tell the story as if the whole thing plays on the parents side with some minor connections to the other story since that’s really how it is.
The film opens up and meet Mom walking outside with a confidence as if she is going to break into the theme song from That Girl before coming into her daughter’s bakery
She really tries to set up her daughter. She even just gave out her phone number to a guy. She is holding a party at her daughter’s bakery so that she can attempt to set her up again while also trying to help out her business.
At the party Mom is trying to explain to her daughter who this man is that she called out of the blue. This is also when we find out Mom and Dad are about to go globetrotting. At least that’s the plan. Enter Dad!
A little side thing to mention. The actor on the right in the picture below, named John Cassini, is excellent in this.
He’s one of those quality characters actors that can make a big difference in a movie. His character’s name is Marco and is the daughter’s close friend at the bakery.
The attempt at matchmaking continues from the party into the kitchen. After complimenting her on her smile and sealing the deal on her going on a date with a guy, she gives a smile herself that either says, “that’s my daughter!” or, “I’m going to kill you in your sleep.”
I love Brenda Strong in this.
I gotta give it to this first guy she goes out with. He’s kind enough to realize that she is going to need a lot of wine to get through his boring story.
At home, Mom and Dad are having a conversation about their daughter finding love. While Mom is preoccupied with finding her daughter a lover, he is wondering what ever happened to them spending their retirement together. That will be the main part of this story. The Mom becoming so obsessed that the Dad all but up and quits the idea of going to Italy. If he were an idiot he would have even thought she was cheating on him at one point.
Now Mom goes too far and signs up her daughter on a dating website. I know it’s a Hallmark cliche, but this may be the first Hallmark movie since The Color of Rain that I’ve seen what I am quite sure is Linux showing up in a Hallmark movie.
Who cares that the URL isn’t quite right because it’s Brenda Strong using Linux! That’s awesome.
We also have the return of the use of IMDb publicity photos within the movie.
Mom actually sets up a date with this guy. No, I don’t mean that she tells her daughter to meet with this guy. I mean that she actually meets with the guy at a bar and tries to sell him on her idea of meeting her daughter. I love when he asks her if she’s done this before. You’d expect an answer like, “No, but I’m desperate to find her someone.” Nope! She just casually mentions that she has done it twice already before continuing with her pitch as if there is nothing unusual going on. Luckily, the fact that the camera keeps cutting behind these things…
doesn’t prevent the guy on the right from jumping in. That’s Dr. Eric Carlton (Benjamin Aryes). He’s actually there waiting for someone, but she’s called away on the grounds that this is a Hallmark movie as soon as she shows up. After telling him that “Doctor Gorgeous” isn’t for him, she gives him his card and actor Benjamin Ayres gives us a great look on his face.
He tries to pass this off to “Doctor Gorgeous” as her just being a real estate agent. Ha! Mom isn’t going to be dissuaded by any of this.
Mom shows up the next day at his practice, it turns out the secretary/nurse knows her, and she immediately uses that to coerce him into going to get coffee with her. Cue Benjamin’s face!
Just as he’s leaving, a colleague of his says out loud, “Why can’t I ever meet older, married women?”
This is when Mom goes into full real estate agent/matchmaker mode. She actually convinces him here, and this sales pitch continues outside.
It’s about here where we find out that at least part of this movie was filmed in Maple Ridge, British Columbia. I think that’s a new one on me for a Hallmark movie.
Mom has invited him to a fundraising gig to meet her daughter. The fundraiser is being held at a gallery that is actually at 3045 Granville St, Vancouver, BC V6H 3J6, Canada.
After Mom tries to pry her daughter for some details, Mom and him meet again to talk.
Turns out he likes the daughter, but has a little problem. That problem being her mother. Think that’s gonna stop her?
After a short conversation between Mom, Dad, and their daughter we discover something.
That’s right! While this film is going on,…
I Do, I Do, I Do (2015, dir. Ron Oliver)
Autumn Reeser is about to enter her own version of Groundhog Day and…
Hearts of Spring (2016, dir. Marita Grabiak)
Lisa Whelchel is about to enter the Mommy Blogger’s Convention.
This building is clearly the romantic nexus of Hallmark films.
Now Dad is starting to get really confused about what happened to them enjoying their retirement.
Mom meets with Eric again and tells him that it has to be her to tell the daughter she set this up. Mom now tries to find a way to tell her daughter by setting up a shopping trip with her. Dad is getting more fed up with all of this.
On this trip, the daughter drops into the conversation that one of the things she loves about her new relationship is that “somehow we found each other.” She says it’s just “like you and Dad.” Of course, it will turn out that it was no chance Mom met Dad either. Another great look from Brenda Strong that sums up her character at this point quite nicely.
Now Mom and Dad have a conversation over a map of Italy. This is probably the most adult and realistic conversation you’ll hear in a Hallmark movie.
While Brenda Strong has the majority of the scenes in this movie, Garwin Sanford plays every single one of his scenes perfectly.
Mom has a heart to heart with Eric, but this is where things go really wrong…sort of. The Uncle (Peter Graham-Gaudreau) of the family sees Mom and Eric on a bridge talking, snaps a photo, and goes to Dad with it. Dad is preoccupied at first with a fountain that looked smaller online, but then he hears the Uncle out. To which we get this.
He immediately goes to the computer and finds out that his wife set up their daughter on a dating website. How it was all just sitting there instantly waiting to be discovered or why she was looking at dating profiles for a guy named George who is using location manager Braden Jennings’ picture or Producer, Cinematographer, and owner of Bass Tracks films Stefan Berrill going under the name of Neal, we are never told. Dad goes and has a long talk with Mom. She confesses that she kind of setup their meeting up too. It’s sweet and all, but he knows that their daughter might not see what she did so nicely the way he does concerning their meeting. However, at the end of the day they still are a long married couple that loves each other so the real outcome of their talk is that the both agree the fountain really is big.
Mom and Dad now make a full confession to the daughter. I love that one of the daughter’s responses is “Ok, so he witnessed your insanity and he still thought it was a good idea to meet your daughter?”
We now discover where the bakery is in real life.
It’s Mc Burney Coffee & Tea House at 20504 Fraser Hwy, Langley, BC V3A 4G3, Canada. Hallmark really likes shooting in Langley. If you are curious, the restaurant from Appetite For Love is just a little east along Fraser Highway from this place.
Mom has a talk with Eric, then a nice talk with Dad. They are okay, and Mom agrees to back off.
In the end, the young couple forgives all of these issues and kisses.
Meanwhile! Yes, the daughter has had her own plot this whole time. While Mom, Dad, and Eric were doing their thing and having a few scenes with the daughter, Claire and her friend Marco have been trying to prepare for a restaurant critic named The Wandering Gourmet. They mistake several people for this critic. They fuss about it. Of course that works out too.
If you’re coming to this movie to see yet another young love film with the parents played by quality actors pushed into the background, then go elsewhere. The movie is a story about a woman who is going to be leaving to go to Italy with her husband, but feels this unbearable feeling that she can’t leave without knowing her daughter has found love. In the end, she lets go of it. Of course the love thing has to work out cause it’s Hallmark, but it could have just as easily ended without that part. I think I’ve mentioned just about everyone here, but you might be wondering how Beau Garrett’s performance is here. She’s perfectly fine. There’s just not much for her to do so it’s not a performance to really judge her on. You are watching this movie for Brenda Strong, Garwin Sanford, Benjamin Ayres, and John Cassini in a good supporting role. It’s their film.
Pro tip! Don’t stay up till 3 in the morning trying to figure out the locations used in a Hallmark movie. Sure, it means you can make some nice jokes, but the next few days you are exhausted. Plus, I was going to go hiking today. Now that’s shot. Oh, and so is some guy in a shack because boat guy, shown above, showed up while “haunting bluegrass music” played according to my captions.
Now we cut to San Francisco because of the Golden Gate stock footage. Inside we meet our interior designer named Sayre Hoyle played by Shenae Grimes-Beech. Hmm…I guess she got married. However, she”ll always be Darcy from Degrassi: TNG to me. While her name is Sayre, they just call her Sar throughout the movie, or at least that’s what my captions kept saying. She’s making a sales pitch. I’m not sure what Latin gibberish on her laptop has to do with interior design,…
but when her phone goes off, she simply says “cue music” and the deal is done! Good job on the phone too!
All the shots of cellphone screens are done well in this movie. Unfortunately, the call is from Beck Merchant (Sean Faris), her father’s lawyer, telling her that her brother Danny (Kelly McCabe) is dead. She is told that she has a message on her voicemail with the details, but we cut to her office to find out her brother has left a cryptic and foreshadowing message as well.
Now we cut to a swamp to establish they are in Louisiana before cutting to this…
to make sure we don’t forget that Camden, Maine exists.
Now we meet the family lawyer Beck Merchant who represents her dad’s company called Hoyle Enterprises. He invites her back to the family estate. By the family estate, I mean the house from Unleashing Mr. Darcy.
Unleashing Mr. Darcy (2016, dir. David Winning)
Unleashing Mr. Darcy (2016, dir. David Winning)
I forgot to mention that the J.R. of the family, named Huff Hoyle, is played by John Schneider. If Schneider wants that house, then he’ll have it torn down and moved from New York to Louisiana piece by piece!
Next we meet Sar’s only surviving brother Chris played by Jeremy Guilbaut.
Am I the only one that thinks Jeremy could do a good impression of Kyle MacLachlan? Take a look at this shot.
See! Also, I’m sure Schneider imports cherry pie from Twin Peaks. Only the best for his family.
Now we go inside and meet Sar’s mother Alma played by Marilyn Norry. Then the cops come in to talk to her brother, Huff, and the lawyer.
They’ve come to tell them that frogs have entered town and appear to be headed for Huff estate. That’s my requisite Frogs (1972) joke. They have actually come to tell them that the dead brother named Danny appears to have died from an accidental firearms discharge. Old cop believes that determination, but young cop isn’t so sure. He raises some good points. To the best of his knowledge Danny was never an outdoorsman so why the heck would he be out fishing where they found him. There was also no bait. The whole thing smells funny to him. But Schneider is having none of this.
Sar then talks to the lawyer and an old boyfriend named Clark comes up. This is when we go to visit Danny so that we can meet the crazy guy from this movie.
It’s funny. I can totally see this guy in another movie warning kids not to go to Camp Crystal Lake. This is Slap Watkins (Primo Allon).
We now go to a school to meet Jessica (Kristen Comerford). She’s a former close friend of Danny’s. This scene exists to tell us in no uncertain terms that not only did Danny hate fishing, but also guns. It is suspicious that he supposedly was fishing at the time and found with a gun.
Now we cut to a shot to remind us that Telluride, Colorado exists,…
before cutting inside a clothing store so that we can find out she and Clark were an item in high school before the lawyer shows up. They decide to go and talk over breakfast.
They go to Schneider’s favorite diner. He saw Rae’s at 2901 Pico Blvd, Santa Monica, CA, and had a duplicate made in Louisiana, but with the generic name Diner. That was Rae’s one request.
All jokes and plot summary aside for a moment. Here is what the stock footage Hallmark bought for this shot from FootageBank actually looks like.
Look at how they changed the signs and added shadows to it. I’m not an expert in Photoshop so that may be incredibly easy for all I know, but I’m impressed.
Edit: Look to the comments section to find out how I was wrong to be impressed here. Chuck does a great job explaining why this doesn’t look right.
Back in the movie, the scene in the restaurant is there to tell us how the lawyer went to LSU with Chris, pledged his fraternity, and when the company lawyer retired, they hired him. The lawyer also drops the information that the father pushed for a thorough investigation after the recent death, but they found nothing so that it will be suspicious later when Sar instantly finds something the cops didn’t notice in plain sight.
Sar now goes to visit Jessica again to find out more information. We find out that Danny was well liked by the workers at Huff’s factory. She also brings up a recent accident at the plant. Apparently, as a result, Danny’s tires were slashed. Also, we discover that Danny cancelled plans for a picnic on the day he died.
Now we cut to a police station that I don’t know where it’s from, but they did the photoshopping thing to it too. This time you can actually see it just below where it says “Sheriff”.
Of course there’s an American Flag. There’s one inside too hanging on the wall. Sar’s not happy with the sheriff and neither am I. Look at that!
Guy gives Louisiana, British Columbian sheriffs a bad name. Just in case we didn’t know the sheriff isn’t on the level.
The young cop and Sar go to visit the fishing shack where they meet up with the lawyer. This scene is to tell us that her and Danny used to hide things in the walls. Sar also finds a nightclub matchbook meaning the cops didn’t do their job, or someone planted it. We go back to the house to remind us Schneider is the head of the family, wants this matchbook looked into, and we find out that Danny didn’t go to nightclubs.
Off to the family factory and we run into Clark (Sean Poague). The lawyer takes her on a tour of the factory. This is when we discover the recent accident that killed a worker is not what this cross is referring to.
A man named Sonny Holzer died a long time ago when the lawyer was a kid.
Next important thing is that we learn a reporter is saying that Danny might have been killed in revenge. Who am I kidding? It’s John Schneider going into his angry father mode again.
If the crazy guy in Hearts of Spring was the real highlight of that film, then Schneider’s outbursts in this make him the equivalent. After Schneider reluctantly leaves the room after finishing his dinner table scene, we find out from the lawyer about that recent accident. A guy named Billy Pollock died only a month prior. The story is that he was drinking a lot when it happened.
We go and meet Billy’s wife, but it really isn’t important. What’s important is that Sar appears to go onto some cross between Pinterest and Facebook.
Kind of weird, but it’s there because of the baseball photo. The people in the photo are tagged. The person in the middle is Danny and the person on right is Slap. That’s when who else but the lawyer calls her up. They go to a cajun restaurant.
You have no idea how much I searched to find where this was located. It’s a cajun food restaurant, appears to have the address 8667, and I knew the stock footage sites to search because they are in the credits of the movie, but nope. Even with all that info, this is still a mystery to me. Sometimes you have to let things go, or not because the lawyer and Sar now sit down to talk so we get some more details. Turns out that after information was leaked to the paper about the accident that killed Billy, Slap was fired and Pollack was “cut…from the payroll.” Danny was the one who had to give Slap his pink slip.
Now someone pretends they are going to run into Sar’s car with theirs while she is parked.
That doesn’t faze a Shenae Grimes! The woman survived this creeper who was just as much of a threat many years prior.
Degrassi: The Next Generation
That means it’s off to the factory so Clark can drop some info. He had stumbled upon Danny and Chris arguing because Danny thought that Billy was murdered. Chris apparently didn’t care how he died. Don’t dig up info on the company. End of story!
Now the spotlight starts to turn on Chris. That’s when Schneider bursts into the room because John knows it’s been too long since he did his thing.
This outburst winds him up in the hospital because this time it was too much for his heart. They take him to the photoshopped version of the Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center.
We really can jump over a lot now. Slap tries to kill Sar with a knife. We have a conversation between the lawyer and Sar that hints Huff may have had something to do with the really old accident that we now learned happened 20 years ago. After Sar talks with the wife of the guy who died 20 years prior, we find out his lawyer died too. Turns out also that Huff ordered Clark to be beaten. We saw him in the hospital looking pretty bad.
Now we can really really skip over things. Slap takes Sar hostage with a gun. He ends up getting shot by the cops in Mission, British Columbia where they shot this, which is close to where they did parts of Garage Sale Mystery: Guilty Until Proven Innocent.
This is when I say, if you don’t want the ending spoiled, then stop here. I recommend this one so you can stop here if you don’t want to know the ending. To separate this from the ending below, I have embedded the famous coffee scene from the Twin Peaks inspired game Deadly Premonition since I did reference Twin Peaks earlier.
Okay, here’s the deal. Huff killed the guy 20 years prior. We also find out that his lawyer didn’t die by accident either. It turns out Beck is the son of said lawyer. He got close to the family in the hope of exposing Huff for the murder of his father and Huff’s general corruption that lead to this whole string of incidents. As for the more recent murder, that wasn’t Huff. Well, not directly. Huff told his son Clark to deal with the issue with Billy Pollock, which he did. He got Slap riled up by making sure he got fired by Danny. Slap then went and killed Danny as a result. Danny caught it on a tiny camera, which Sar found in one of those hidden places I mentioned earlier. The matchbook was placed by Beck to help lead Sar while maintaining his cover with the family. So off to jail goes Huff and Clark.
Then even in this movie it ends with a kiss between Sar and the lawyer.
I already said it, but I do recommend this one. I’m not a fan these cozy mysteries that Hallmark is churning out lately. The Gourmet Detective being an exception. This, and Jesse Stone: Lost in Paradise, are just better. The cozy mystery ones tend to be too whitewashed, obvious, and sometimes they really don’t go for it. By that I mean like in Flower Shop Mystery: Mum’s The Word. They needed to cut a lot of the setup between the two crime solvers. Just let them do their thing. The acting here is good all around. I especially liked John Schneider and his over the top moments. It was also nice to see Shenae Grimes again. Those are my final thoughts. Check it out!
Let me address the mystery first. Just like with Valentine Ever After, there is something of that nature to discuss. Hearts of Spring premiered on April 9th. I didn’t get around to watching it till April 17th. Even by then, Comcast had already marked it as not available for mobile viewing. I thought that was weird. It also bothered me because it meant that I might not be able to provide you with screenshots. Obviously based on the one above, I found a way. As far as I can tell, Hallmark re-aired the movie a couple of times after the original premiere, but have no showings of it as far out as two weeks at the time of writing this. That’s not normal. I first watched the version on my DVR, which is the version they originally aired. I then dug up a copy to give you screenshots. Luckily, the person must have recorded one of the re-airs so I was able to compare the two. They have a good reason. It has nothing to do with censorship of content in the film. It has nothing to do with people like myself who use screenshots in reviewing their films. I have every reason to believe the movie will reappear on the network. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
Let’s talk about the movie now.
The movie opens up and we meet Carly played by Lisa Whelchel.
We meet her during a montage of her daughter growing up that is supposed to establish her credentials for being able to write a blog about raising children. We are also introduced to her daughter played by Whelchel’s real life daughter Clancy Cauble. Her big worry is that her kid is planning for college. That will be her main problem with her kid. She also has a close friend because this film is all about balancing characters on her end with the same characters on his end. Mom tells her that she can go to a movie without question. Just that she needs to be home by 11.
Now we cut Daniel Jackson played by Michael Shanks. Yes, he’s called Dr. Andy Sommers in this movie. Do you care? He’s Daniel Jackson to me.
He’s here so we can have his son enter the room looking for money because he has blown through his allowance. His dad says no because the kid needs manage his money more responsibly. He sulks off sarcastically saying he learned an important lesson. I sure did. It means that Jackson wants his kid to learn how to manage his money responsibly before going to college, which he gives us no reason to believe he is doing since he mentions parties as a reason for needing more money. What does this mean?
He immediately goes out to the waiting room and gets money from his “fun aunt.” You see that kind of thing in a lot of movies. It lets the main family members teach good parenting lessons, but allows the kids to have a bit of a safety net in relatives who occasionally will slip in to soften the blow.
Now that we have established the kind of parents they are, we need to see that she really does enjoy blogging, but has probably only been doing it for a short time.
She has nothing but kind comments left on her blog. We also find out her blog is called “Parenting From the Soul”. She writes the blog as “Bestie Mom”.
That’s why I am officially announcing that I am no longer writing my blog entries as Valerie Troutman. I am now called The Cinema Friend. She likes that having connections online means she’s not alone. I know how she feels. I have numerous chronic illnesses which leave me all but entirely house bound. Even writing that short sarcastic review I did yesterday took a toll on me, which I won’t mention explicitly otherwise I get anonymous hate in the form of thumbs down for daring to mention that kind of a film during a Hallmark review. Go check out my review of Love On The Sidelines to see when that happened to me. Then go read my review of Angel. It took a couple of days and drained every last bit of energy or health I was clinging too at the time. I’m just saying, I get her love of reaching out to people on the Internet and why she will react the way she does later in the film. I’m also saying Hallmark needs to make more of these movies cause some of their audience doesn’t seem to understand courtesy online. I’ve had numerous people ask me questions on my Hallmark reviews, but have only really had one person actually say thank you for me bending over backwards to help them out. Check out my review of Valentine Ever After and scroll down to the comments section for that person. I won’t bring up the black hole ones. But getting back to the movie.
We see her daughter get home. They have a little mother daughter talk. By that I mean Carly tries talking to her but beeping sound sounds come out of her daughter’s cellphone meaning she needs to leave the room immediately. Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. Someone probably just sent her a picture of Logan’s Hacking Screen from Garage Sale Mystery: Guilty Until Proven Innocent, which is why she laughs. I still can’t thank whoever let that slip into the movie enough (no sarcasm intended).
Now we learn the truly dark side of blogging.
If you do it too much then text will appear next to you spelling out your thoughts. I’m only half kidding here. You do it enough and against your will, your mind will start doing this kind of thing. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve finished watching a movie and need to sleep, but can’t stop thinking of how I’m going to write the review. She makes a baseball analogy here so that Jackson can diss her on it later.
Cut to stock footage of a town to I guess show there is a church even though the church they go to is so not the church in the overhead shot.
I couldn’t figure out where this church actually located. I would say it’s obviously in Canada, but after All Yours used an exterior shot taken in Denmark, all bets are off. Inside, Carly’s friend, whose name is Ryder (Miranda Frigon), says that she should attend a bloggers convention so that I can point out a reused set from another Hallmark movie. They also talk about her daughter having registered for classes at a community college so she will stay close to home. She then makes sure Carly knows that when Jackson comes into her life, she shouldn’t just brush him off. She also tells us that Carly’s husband walked out on her a long time ago. Carly tells her it’s not easy meeting new people. That’s not true. She’s got the creepy guy after her soon. We’ll get to him later because now we have to meet Daniel’s own creepy friend and her annoying kid who really is the cause of all this movies’ problems if you think about it.
Fun Aunt, played by Anna Balvin who appears to not exist in IMDb yet, comes in to actually let this annoying lady and her more annoying kid know where Jackson likes to hang out. Thanks, Aunt!
Meanwhile, over at Carly’s Flower Shop,…
which is not the flower shop from Flower Girl. I only mention that because I noticed someone tweeting Hallmark to ask them that question so I answered her myself. She thanked me, which I could have used on my review of 12 Gifts of Christmas when I went out of my way to help someone figure out the music from the film, but instead only found a thumbs down on the review the very next day. Anyways, I know nobody asked, but this is actually Tracycake’s Bakery Cafe at 21594 48 Ave in where else but Langley, British Columbia. Langley and Fort Langley really do seem to be the capital of Hallmark movie production. If I ever go to Canada, then I’ll have to swing by.
The scene inside the place exists to remind us this was made around Spring. It’s like the pink bunny cellphone case from All Yours. We also cut to Jackson’s office to see him going home. They both go home to find that their kids aren’t going to be there for dinner. They go to the park so we can get a humorous little scene where she notices that Jackson doesn’t know how to eat a taco.
Now we cut to-oh, no. Oh, no! Run, Daniel!
After Daniel is done reminding Carly he exists, we cut to the dinner table to introduce the guy who is even weirder than creepy stalker lady with the nightmare child.
Hitched For The Holidays (2012, dir. Michael Scott)
I think this guy has him beat even though he doesn’t come with his own theme music like the foot fetish guy did. That actually was a thing in that movie. They are saying Amen so he starts to sing the word “Amen”. Then he starts hitting on her. Carly’s friend invited him to dinner because she must have had a brain fart. Everyone looks at him like “where the hell did this guy come from?” He also says he hopes she isn’t spending so much time writing her blog that she doesn’t neglect her real duties. What? Doesn’t amount to anything. Oh, but Henry, played by Andy Thompson, makes sure once again that she knows he’s creepy, in case she didn’t already know, by following her home. He sings too! Thank you, Andy! Thank you for selling this performance so well. He helps to provide the comic relief here.
Meanwhile, Daniel is on a date with crazy lady who had brought her kid because otherwise the main plot of this movie might not have come into existence. They went to Porter’s Coffee & Tea House at 21611 48 Ave, Langley, BC. It’s actually just on the other side of the roundabout from where the flower shop is really located.
The kid gives Daniel flashbacks to when the SG-1 team were replaced by robots. Then the mother tells him about Carly’s blog, which apparently advocates a hands-off approach to parenting. He asks for Daniel’s fries, then squirts mustard on him.
After the annoying dinner that Daniel had to suffer through to advance the plot, he goes right home to find Carly’s blog. I disagree that she should change her name to Beastie Mom as he suggests, but I do love the user name he goes with.
Forget what I said before, I am now officially JugglingCelluloid. He kind of vents about what happened at dinner because of a lady who needs to find a compromise between Carly and Daniel’s parenting styles in order to handle her child. By the way, that’s about the whole movie in one sentence. Of course Carly is new to the Internet so she actually tries picking a fight with Daniel instead of just deleting the comment. In fact, she’s quite satisfied with herself about it.
That’s enough plot for the moment cause we need more creepy.
I think the preacher at the church is saying something, but who cares? The characters sure don’t. This is where we find out the daughter doesn’t want to go to college first, but just travel. She suggests going to Africa or Indonesia.
Carly’s friend now tells her that Daniel’s advice isn’t the worst in the world. Carly’s friend tries to tell her that if she doesn’t want her daughter to go away, then to put her foot down. She says she wants to stick to the way she has always done things. By that she means trying to be her daughter’s best friend. Hence her screen name.
You’ve got the plot now. Let’s hit the high points.
They obviously run into each other because we need them to bicker online while getting close in real life. Then we get a great split screen.
I love this because they do it in a way that makes it look like they are sharing the same room going back and forth how to handle their kids like they’re a married couple. It was a nice touch. They continue to get closer including returning to the taco scene earlier, but she teaches him how to do it without the taco falling apart. Then daughter notices Daniel’s comment on her blog.
Good advice. It’s a nice compromise. Now we just need to sell it to Carly and get Daniel to calm down when it comes to his son.
We go to the Mommy Blogger Convention being held at the beginning of I Do, I Do, I Do.
I Do, I Do, I Do (2015, dir. Ron Oliver)
Creepy guy!
The rest is what you expect, so let’s jump to the almost end of nearly every Hallmark movie. At this point Carly and Daniel are at his place and she bumps his computer, which turns on, so she can discover JugglingDad is him.
The way they get over the romantic speed bump this time is because Carly’s daughter gets sick for the sake of the plot. It really does come out of nowhere. Daniel also happens to be at the hospital so he is the one to treat her. They now both have a heart to heart with their kids. Their kids also finally stand up to them to tell their parents what they really need from them. Carly and Daniel both understand.
Creepy guy again!
Now Daniel gives an apologetic speech about something and who cares? What really matters is that crazy mom and crazy guy have finally found each other.
Daniel and Carly now walk out, and the credits roll.
Also, for people on Twitter, here’s the mint chocolate chip milkshake.
For people who came looking for the songs, I’m sorry, but they didn’t include them in the credits. I refer you to my instructions for figuring this stuff out at the end of my review of Valentine Ever After.
For people who would like my final thoughts on the film. Yes, we have seen this plot a few times in past year from Hallmark (and as far back as The Shop Around The Corner (1940) in general). This is probably the one I enjoyed the most. Yeah, I’m a big fan of Michael Shanks’ work on Stargate SG-1. I’m a little biased. To my knowledge, there were other actors from it in here, but I didn’t notice them. I never watched The Facts of Life, but Lisa Whelchel was good here too. It’s simple, they balanced the characters well, the actors who played their kids did a good job, and I liked this version of the same plot better than the others. Catch it when it shows up again.
There! The first title card, or image on here I’ve had to black box. Thanks, Sal V. Miers! Seriously, I could use the title cards from Debbie Does Dallas (1978), Deep Throat (1972), and even Water Power (1977) just fine. Early 80s ones often look like the title cards for an ABC Movie of the Week for crying out loud! Why was this necessary? I mean that both ways.
That’s my first and last complaint about the director here because, just like his last film Bikini Model Mayhem, I enjoyed the movie. These very rarely turn me on, but Miers obviously knows that a lot of people who aren’t kids don’t watch most of these films for that reason. They watch for the laughs, the spoof, the jokes, the references, etc. He delivers. The central spoof here is of the Netflix show Orange Is The New Black. You knew that was coming because at least this time the title gives you an idea of what the film is going to be about. However, he works in several other references including one I’m really happy about because someone had to do it.
The movie opens up and we are introduced to Georgina (Jacqui Holland), Sarducci (Derrick Pierce), and what I’m pretty sure is a new breed of tribble. According to his credits on IMDb, Derrick here has played the porno version of Lex Luthor, Crossbones, Deadpool, and Bane.
Georgina is a reporter who is trying to get information from this mafioso type about what a Mr. Big did with $50 million dollars from a casino heist. He makes sure she isn’t wearing a wire, which means showing her breasts. We already saw that she is carrying a recorder and just put it in her purse. He’s not too bright. I think that tribble is leaching off his brain. She agrees to let him get his hands on her “fun bags”, but she would prefer a running joke of this movie…
be called the horizontal hula for now. Now we get an odd back and forth about saying yes and no. This guy plays it safe and is generally confused till she makes it clear that she really does mean yes. I really don’t know why it’s there other than to subtly put in a message here for people that unless the person explicitly says yes, then don’t take the chance. Of course they have sex now. The tribble decides to sit this one out. Georgina kindly tosses it on the floor.
Sarducci held up his end of the bargain and “filled [her] in.” Mr. Big has a mistress in prison named Renee Dobbins (Sarah Hunter) who is in jail and not taking interviews. That’s when I’m Shipping Up To Boston by Dropkick Murphys starts playing as we cut to jail because Georgina is going undercover to get the story she hopes will win her a Pulitzer.
Okay, I’m sure if Sal could have played it, then he would have. The movie does borrow the plot element from The Departed (2006) that you expect. She is lead down a hallway by a guy name Jenkins played by Andrew Espinoza Long. I’ve apparently seen every one of these he’s done. The best is easily when he played G.W. Bushwacker in Bikini Model Mayhem. He takes her to a cell, but is quickly whisked off to meet Warden Thorne.
Warden Thorne is played by veteran actor Katie Morgan. You may have actually seen her in mainstream fair such as Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) and L!fe Happens (2011). She’s here to tell Georgina about rough and tough prison life. She’s also here so Miers can begin the other running gag in this movie at the expense of director Jared Cohn and his stupid sexploitation film Jailbait (2014).
That’s right! Bras! This movie will make sure you know that women wear bras or bra tops. In Jailbait the lead actress would take off her top all the time. She never seemed to have a bra on. This movie makes sure you see it when the scene starts, often keeps them on for a portion of the scene, and has them put it back on afterwards.
Miers may not have been doing this for that reason, but I really like to think this movie is making fun of how ridiculous Jailbait was in that respect. Trust me. If you watch that movie, then you’ll understand.
The Warden tells Georgina that the person she is looking for is in solitary confinement and to keep all this on the down low. I love how they have Jacqui Holland basically do a porno version of Marilyn Monroe in these movies.
We never really believe that she’s an idiot, but she also never plays a character that is super savvy either.
Now Georgina returns to her cell and we meet Erika Jordan playing Crazy Ass. Aside from her numerous Late Night Cable movies, you just might have noticed her in a cameo appearance in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015). Makes sense. I’ve seen at least two actors from these movies show up in SyFy films.
We find out Crazy Ass once lost her girl cause she went straight. Georgina knows her pain because her lover found out he was gay and ran off with her brother. She also mentions that she hasn’t talked to him since the wedding. Based on the two movies I’ve now seen directed by Miers, it’s obvious he has set his guns on current political issues and is quite opinionated about them.
Once again, they keep those tops on to one degree or another for a good period of their scene. This is probably as good a time as any to mention that we have the return of that awful music from some of the worst of these. At least we don’t get the Johnny Wet Pants song here.
After cutting to a shot of the corner of a prison fence, Crazy Ass reminds us there is actually a plot of sorts here. Then she reminds us that this isn’t Drive (1974), despite her threat here.
Also, it wouldn’t pan out because Georgina already had her tonsils removed.
Back in the cell, Georgina needs to make a phone call, which in the universe of an Orange Is The New Black spoof means reminding us about the running joke of the movie.
Again, the movie reminds us that women do indeed wear bras.
They also put them back on.
Georgina makes her phone call, but finds out the person who knew she was undercover in prison has died.
Notice they made sure to put everything back on the desk. Let that be a lesson to you people. If you are going to have sex in somebodies office, then do the courteous thing by cleaning up your mess. We now return to the cell.
Holland, you already made that threat back in Bikini Model Mayhem. You aren’t Arachne from Drive. Plus, if you keep saying that in these movies, then I’m never going to be able to watch the Hallmark movie Flower Shop Mystery: Snipped in the Bud without thinking about that. We are again reminded that women wear bras and are not just waiting around to lift up their top.
Miers put a not so subtle reference to another movie he recently released this year called Vixens from Venus on the wall in the form of a poster of the solar system. At least it doesn’t say it’s from 1991. What the hell was that in Trancers 6 anyways?
Now Miers takes a pot shot at Clinton and his “definition of ‘is’ is” line before cutting to the lunch room so we can finally be introduced to the one other character you have to spoof from Orange Is The New Black.
That’s Sarah Hunter doing her impersonation of actor Laura Prepon’s character Alex Vause. It’s been about a year or so since I’ve watched Orange Is The New Black, but I think Hunter did a good job here. They not only got the look right, but Sarah does the voice as well and the way she carries herself in general. Kudos to you, Sarah. This is Renee Dobbins.
Now the film introduces how this movie is going to end.
No joke. French Toast that is hard as a rock will be Georgina’s salvation here.
After a conversation to mention there really is meant to be a plot here, Jenkins gets called into the Warden’s office so the movie can remind us that the new Star Wars movie has a porny title.
I love the storage cabinets next to him. Looks like something I could go downtown and buy at The Container Store.
Back in gym, Dobbins shows up to play guess who. Then they have sex because Dobbins needs to make sure that Georgina is going to choose to be with her. This is also part of the spoofing of Orange Is The New Black where the show always teased us whether Piper was a lesbian or bisexual. At least up till the point I stopped watching it.
I love how it now cuts to random shots of prison fences like it does throughout, but then immediately cuts to Georgina finishing burping the worm.
Jokes on him though because she won’t be there in the morning. Turns out Dobbins has been digging a hole with the hard French Toast. By a hole, I mean this.
We also find out that Dobbins was Mr. Big the whole time. She has $50 million dollars waiting on the outside for them. We also find out that the Pope may “shit in the woods”, but Georgina isn’t sure. Then they escape, but not before making a joke that it’s funny for a lesbian convict to tell Georgina to keep going straight. The next morning, Jenkins shows up for his burping, Crazy Ass says they’re not there, and she’s happy for them. End of sort of story.
This one isn’t as good as Bikini Model Mayhem. This one does do far less spoof and more sex. That’s unfortunate. However, this one does something I haven’t seen in any of these. It shows a blooper.
With the Trancers series done, I’ve decided to move onto the Angel series. I honestly had no idea what I was in for here. The box art appears to have a 12 year-old on the cover once as “High School Honor Student by day,” and then “Hollywood Hooker by night.” The DVD has the first three films on it. I’m quite sure that the girl on the cover is neither Donna Wilkes, Betsy Russell, or Mitzi Kapture.
Anyways, as I watched it, I knew this movie reminded me of a film I saw late last year. It took me some time because this movie is so subtle about it. Then it came to me. That movie of course being Crackdown Mission (1988).
Crackdown Mission (1988, dir. Godfrey Ho)
Why not? Might as well have been. That’s the Godfrey Ho movie where he spliced Pierre Kirby into the Taiwanese film Girl with a Gun (1982).
Girl with a Gun (1982, dir. Yao-Chi Chen)
Girl with a Gun was a Taiwanese remake of Ms. 45 (1981).
Ms. 45 (1981, dir. Abel Ferrara)
Ms. 45 being Abel Ferrara’s reworking of Death Wish (1974).
Death Wish (1974, dir. Michael Winner)
Death Wish arguably getting the pivotal opening rape from A Clockwork Orange (1971).
A Clockwork Orange (1971, dir. Stanley Kubrick)
You can go on and on with this. There’s also Rape Squad (1974), Fighting Back (1982), the Death Wish sequels, and so many more of these things. Heck, Death Wish even got a porno version called Sex Wish (1976). We even got the kiddie version, as I recall, of this same thing one year after Angel with The Legend of Billie Jean (1985).
If I got Gary on the line, he could probably take me back even further with movies like Something Wild (1961) or other films I don’t recall. Don’t need to though because this movie takes you back about as far as you can go anyways.
The movie opens up and we meet our lead character Angel, played by Donna Wilkes–and what the hell is that?
I would say that Donna Wilkes playing a 15 year-old at the age of 23 was a product of sleazy 80s movies, but I’d be lying through my teeth because of this.
The Poor Little Rich Girl (1917, dir. Maurice Tourneur)
Mary Pickford was 24 when she played the role of a little girl.
As for the child prostitute bit, let’s get that out of the way too because it goes back almost as far as well.
Baby Face (1933, dir. Alfred E. Green)
That’s the scene where we find out her father has been pimping her out since she was 14 years old. Barbara Stanwyck was 25 when she did Baby Face.
After seeing Angel come out of where she lives, we see her walk part of the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Along with these shots of her feet, we also see her say hi to some people cleaning Rex Allen’s star, fix her hair in a window, and then board a school bus. The music plays sad and tragic. It’s hardly upbeat, but was this meant to be a Saturday Night Fever reference? As I recall, Tony Manero is a similar character to Angel.
Saturday Night Fever (1977, dir. John Badham)
I would say that I wasn’t really sure, but considering the opening walk in Birdemic 2 was intended to be a Saturday Night Fever reference,…
Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013, dir. James Nguyen)
then I think I am safe saying it is a reference to that movie.
After getting her homework assignment, we meet this guy…
who looks like he got lost on his way to the Revenge of the Nerds (1984) set. He is here to make it clear that Angel is more mature than her age, but that she is keeping up the illusion that she is still very much a little girl. He tries to ask her out, but she turns him down saying her mother doesn’t like her dating. Now without any time wasted, we cut to home, she dolls up, and we’re out to the streets within the first 8 minutes of the movie.
We immediately meet Kit Carson played by Rory Calhoun probably because Bill Williams, who played Kit Carson on TV, had stopped acting in 1981 after making Night of the Zombies (1981) and Goldie and the Boxer Go to Hollywood (1981). Given the titles, and that they starred porn star Jamie Gillis and O.J. Simpson respectively, I’m sure Bill would have done this movie if he could have. Rory Calhoun will be our reference to silent era cowboys for the movie. In particular, Tom Mix. Yes, he brings up Tom Mix so we are sure to get the reference. He also wears the white hat.
You got this so far? Donna Wilkes is Mary Pickford and Rory Calhoun is Tom Mix. Who’s next?
Charlie Chaplin of course!
I believe the movie wants these portions of the film to blur the lines between people peddling sex, and other people peddling Old Hollywood nostalgia. All of this going on while walking on stars for people who are dead, long forgotten, live far from this seedy place, or are going out on sad ends to their careers in their old age.
We see a variety of other colorful characters too. The movie makes sure we hear Kit tell the cops that he has fake bullets in his guns for foreshadowing purposes. A guy who looks like Jim Varney tries to hit on her. Then after turning down one guy, we see Angel riding with a much older guy. However, she sees right through him and figures out he’s a cop. That’s when we meet the another main character of the film named Mae played by Dick Shawn. How are we introduced to him?
He tells Angel not to let “fatso go yet”, sticks his head in the window, and tells him, “Why don’t you go home now and spank your monkey numb nuts!” That way know right off the bat that he is very protective of Angel.
Next we are introduced to Lt. Andrews…
played by none other than Cliff Gorman. Emory from The Boys in the Band (1970).
The Boys in the Band (1970, dir. William Friedkin)
It’s no coincidence that they introduce Mae back to back with Lt. Andrews seeing as Mae and Emory are similar characters.
You want to hear something really odd? Maud Adams’ first role listed on IMDb is an uncredited appearance in The Boys in the Band.
The Boys in the Band (1970, dir. William Friedkin)
The odd part is that Maud Adams is the villain in the third Angel movie.
Angel III: The Final Chapter (1988, dir. Tom DeSimone)
There’s one more connection here that’s worth mentioning. One of the movies Dick Shawn did in between It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963) and Penelope (1966) was a film called A Very Special Favor (1965). A Very Special Favor starring who else but Rock Hudson. The Rock Hudson movie where he actually says this.
A Very Special Favor (1965, dir. Michael Gordon)
Andrews is here to tell us about a killer on the loose who is murdering hookers. He gives us some info about him like he’s probably bisexual, a necrophiliac, and other things. Honestly, that stuff will barely play into this movie at all. It certainly won’t add anything material to the film. Now we cut to said killer played by John Diehl.
Most people probably remember him from Miami Vice. I’ve never watched the show though. I know, tsk tsk to me. He plays every serial killer from every 80s and early 90s movie ever made that had such a character in it. I’ll show you just how much of a stereotype he is later on. You’d think Mae was the major stereotype of the film, but it’s the killer.
Now we get a tender moment between Chaplin, who is called Yo-Yo Charlie (Steven M. Porter), and the soon to be dead hooker named Crystal (Donna McDaniel). According to IMDb, Yo-Yo Charlie will make a return in the sequel. That’s not good. Anyways, he gives her a spinning top, she is soon picked up literally and figuratively by the killer, and then stabbed in the back. I actually like what they did here. In any other movie her death would have started the film to be the opening kill, which also would have established there’s a killer on the loose. Here her death has meaning, still kicks off the plot, and foreshadows a much more important death later in the film that bookends this opening kill. We also have warmed up to her in the short time we have known her so the silent stab in the back actually has some bite and we feel for Charlie when he finds out she’s dead. It helps to set a different tone for the movie than a slasher film.
Then we see the killer with her body.
That will be the last time you see any reference to the necrophilia thing. It’s one of those things in here that makes me feel the movie was rushed because it will suddenly have amnesia about something that seems like it would be pretty important.
Then we cut back to the streets so we can hear Rory Calhoun drop some more names. He mentions Ken Maynard, Buck Jones, and I believe he is about to say William S. Hart when Angel sticks her finger in his back so I can make a reference to Field of Dreams (1989).
Field of Dreams (1989, dir. Phil Alden Robinson)
Field of Dreams (1989, dir. Phil Alden Robinson)
We have one final major character to be introduced to at this point. That’s why Mae and Angel go back to where they live so we can meet the landlord named Solly played by Susan Tyrrell. Mae accuses her of making the movie Truth (2015), but…
it turns out she is simply doing foreshadowing by numbers. She calls it Fruit With Gun. Mae calls it “shit.” Solly also has a gun about half the size of Angel for later plot convenience.
Now we get a couple of short scenes of Angel at home to start to reveal her background that will explain why her mother and father aren’t around. It’s also there so that we know that both Angel and the killer have troubled backgrounds when it comes to their parents. Except they have dealt with it in completely different ways, but ways that have both lead them to the streets. That’s when we get this scene.
Yep, he makes out with an egg while a creepy picture of him and his mother hangs in the background till he crushes the egg, then kisses the picture. This movie came out in 1984. By 1986 they were already making fun of this exact kind of character.
Ruthless People (1986, dir. Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, & Jerry Zucker)
Ruthless People (1986, dir. Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, & Jerry Zucker)
Ruthless People (1986, dir. Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, & Jerry Zucker)
Ruthless People (1986, dir. Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, & Jerry Zucker)
Might as well be the Bedroom Killer from Ruthless People (1986).
At this point we are about 25 minutes into the movie so it’s like it all of a sudden wakes up and remembers she’s supposed to be a high school student so we better cut back there now. Sometimes there’s an actual reason, and other times it is just there to work naked ladies into the movie because they could have done the scene without having them there. This time around we meet Ric who will be our Biff Tannen for the movie except with little to no plot significance.
You might recognize actor David Underwood if you owned a Sega CD back in the day.
Sewer Shark (1992, dir. John Dykstra)
It’s a shame he didn’t overact this part like he did Ghost in Sewer Shark.
We also meet Patricia Allen played by Elaine Giftos who works for Angel’s school.
She’s here so that the film will have a way of having Angel’s secret about not having her parents around anymore come out and give the last kill an extra punch to the stomach. Throughout this movie I kept thinking I had seen her in something else. Apparently that place was a single episode of Magnum P.I.
Magnum P.I.
I’m not sure what that says about me other than I must like that show more than I thought I did.
Now we finally come around so that our characters can discover the hooker from the beginning has been murdered. Charlie is quite broken up about it. He’s even holding the top he gave her, which is now covered in blood. Mae, Angel, and Kit have a run in with Andrews about their friend being murdered. But with no wasted time at all, we are reintroduced to another unimportant hooker friend from the beginning who runs right over to the killer and leaves with him. In short order she’s dead.
We see Angel arrive with a client who has a Quebec license plate?
Your guess is as good as mine about that one. He finds the dead hooker, then Angel finds her too. The movie cuts to the killer bare ass naked scrubbing himself. The scene seems to go on forever. You’d think this is some sort of I need to wash myself clean thing, but just like the necrophilia bit, it doesn’t amount to anything. At times it feels like there was originally a script for this movie that didn’t include his character because he almost feels like an afterthought. That, or there was a script that did have more for his character, but was cut so this film would only get an R rating.
Now we get one of several scenes in this movie that seem to only exist to remind us that Cliff Gorman, Dick Shawn, Rory Calhoun, and Susan Tyrrell are good actors. Say what you will about the movie, Donna Wlikes, and the fact that Lisa hasn’t reviewed her comeback film 90210 Shark Attack (2014), but they surrounded her with quality.
After Angel gets harassed by Sewer Shark, we cut to the locker room to see cheerleaders getting dressed. It’s weird because it suddenly feels like you’ve slipped out of Angel and into Debbie Does Dallas (1978).
We get a scene of our killer at a porno theater to remind us that Taxi Driver (1976) exists. Would have made my day if he were watching Bat Pussy (1973). He’s arrested and brought in for a lineup so that he can break free to nearly kill Angel and Andrews. This is when the movie gets on the fast track to its conclusion. This is only at about the halfway point, but the remainder of the film will be everything unraveling till Angel is pushed past the tipping point and decides to go Ms. 45 on the streets to get the killer.
After we find out that Angel has been on the street since she was 12, the next important scene is between Mae and Angel. Angel buys a gun…
so that we can then see her visit a church and nearly drop it in the “Offerings” box. She comes close, but puts some money into it instead. Then empowering music plays as we get a long shot of her walking from the back to the front of the church.
Angel pays a visit to Kit’s place now. Not really so we can see her get a shooting lesson, but so that we can setup the ending by making us aware that Kit does indeed know how to shoot. He carries fake bullets when he works the streets, but the guns are real.
Now Angel gets kidnapped by Sewer Shark and his gang just so that we know that she not only has the gun and has been shown how to use that gun, but is willing to fire it if necessary. It’s a minor scene that doesn’t have much importance to the film in the end. Unlike the next scene when it cuts to naked women in the locker room showering. Actually this scene does serve a purpose beyond naked women. It’s there so that we can overhear that Sewer Shark has spread rumors about her, which ultimately leads Patricia to find Angel’s gun. To toss an extra cherry on top of her trauma, the Andy Dick looking guy from earlier actually tries to buy her services. It’s all enough that she now goes to Andrews to talk to him about what’s going on.
Now the film loops us back to the death of Crystal. It starts with Mae and Solly arguing over a game of cribbage like an old married couple. They are funny in this scene. Just like I could go for a TV Show made up of Bea Arthur tending bar from The Star Wars Holiday Special, I could also go for a whole movie with these two.
This scene is the equivalent of Charlie giving the girl his spinning top. We also get a scene where Mae tries to cover for Angel when Patricia comes to visit by pretending to be her mother. That works about as well as trying to convince the killer who now comes for Mae that it matters that he is a guy.
Look familiar?
Ms. 45 (1981, dir. Abel Ferrara)
Ms. 45 (1981, dir. Abel Ferrara)
They both die, but the difference is that they stuck in the conversation with Patricia here to remind us that Mae doesn’t deserve this whereas Ms. 45 edges in this one-sided conversation…
Ms. 45 (1981, dir. Abel Ferrara)
so that we know it’s okay that he was shot and killed. That’s most likely why we first met Mae looking like that guy in this movie.
You could even make an argument that the character of Mae and the casting of Cliff Gorman is the LGBTIQ response to that final scene where she guns down the man dressed as a woman, then adds on that she is shocked when a genetic girl (a betrayer of the cause?) stabs her in the back. This movie even won Best Feature at the San Francisco International Lesbian & Gay Film Festival so it’s not reaching too much on my part.
This is the last straw for Angel. She takes Solly’s giant gun to the streets in order to chase down the killer. They do it complete with repeating the opening scene, except with her walking us following her from behind, at night, in her night clothes, and armed.
Her already fractured innocence now gone.
He probably would have gotten away hiding amongst the Hare Krishnas, but he comes out and tries to attack her with his knife. All the while, Andrews chasing after both of them along with Kit. There is a goof during this chase. She shoots at him here.
However, when they cut to this shot, she appears to have teleported away.
Then they cut back there to show she is indeed still around.
This is one of those parts where the film again reminds you it was probably made quickly.
Seeing as it is the 80s, there is always a secluded alleyway or parking lot for the movie to go. We see Kit shot down before Andrews comes in to take shots at the bad guy and check on Kit. Kit tells him to go after Angel. The chase continues into another alleyway where the film comes its conclusion. Andrews calls to Angel, but she ignores him. The killer grabs Angel and shoots Andrews in the arm. She breaks free, causing Andrews to cover her to take any bullets, but doesn’t have to because Kit rises to the occasion to save both of them.
That’s when the movie essentially has its version of the ending of Targets (1968). Kit and Andrews look at him perplexed as the killer dies saying “It hurts. It hurts.”
With the plot finished, and a cowboy in the picture, they walk off into the not sunset of a neon lit alleyway end.
That’s the first Angel movie. Apparently, Ross Hagen was in here somewhere as “Urban Cowboy.” I have no idea where he was in this film.
The movie as a whole isn’t too bad. They certainly knew what they were doing when they picked the references, the shots they used, the casting, and surprisingly good main song for the movie. I also love the street life shots. I’m a sucker for movies that do that. I also liked the way they juxtaposed innocence in Angel with those who have lost theres to one degree or another while having Angel’s character make that journey herself walking down the Walk of Fame as a schoolgirl to a hooker with a gun. It seems that now days when I write one of these long looks at movies that probably don’t deserve this kind of attention, I either find they are much worse than I thought like Trancers 6 or much better than I thought like with this movie.
It is very much a movie of its time. The world had just come out of two decades of turmoil and was suddenly thrown into one that seemed to want to pretend the previous twenty years didn’t happen. It was also a time when you had a new breed of youth still co-existing with people who were from a time very far removed from the 80s as represented by Kit. To give you an example, Lillian Gish who was born in 1893, was not only alive when this came out, but made two more movies after it before dying in 1993. Mary Pickford had only died 3 years prior to this in 1979. Charlie Chaplin died 7 years prior in 1977.
Movies too had strayed for two decades into cinema the likes of which hadn’t been seen in the United States since movies like Baby Face an other pre-codes of the early 30s. However, after The Godfather and Star Wars films were so successful, the studios returned to the kind of films they made prior to the lifting of the production code. The difference being that they were no longer bound by such a code, but by the purse strings of whoever was funding the picture. That, and on occasion the clout of people working on the film, such as a directors like Tarantino.
Overall, I’d recommend seeing Angel. Especially as a counterpart to Ms. 45 (1981). Just fair warning again, it will feel rushed at times. I have a feeling that, just as with Trancers, this series will drop to watchable next, dreadful with the third film, and unbelievably bad with the fourth film which my “Angel Collection” triple feature doesn’t even acknowledge exists.
It took me since September 5th of 2015 to finally reach the very last film in this retrospective of the Trancers series, but I’m finally here. This is the lost sequel that was made…why am I explaining this? There is a title card right at the beginning that does it for me.
Yes, I do have The Evil Clergyman. I will get to it eventually. Pulse Pounders also has a sequel to The Dungeonmaster (1984) in it, but that doesn’t appear to have been released yet.
The movie begins with good old McNulty (Art LaFleur).
He is on his way to be briefed about a prisoner in jail who apparently does not like Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) who is still in the past. He is being briefed by The Warden of the jail…
played by actress Grace Zabriskie. Ah, the good old days when I could still play dumb. You of course know Grace from Norma Rae (1979), Galaxy of Terror (1981), An Officer and a Gentleman (1982), Leonard Part 6 (1987), Wild at Heart (1990), My Own Private Idaho (1991), Fried Green Tomatoes (1991), Seinfeld, Big Love, and that little short-lived show called Twin Peaks. Oh how I wish I could have claimed I thought that was some late night cable series from the 90s like the TV Show Red Oaks having a character think The 400 Blows (1959) was porn. I still have the right to make a couple American Sniper rubber baby jokes in future posts. You can’t take that away from me! If you are thinking I’m padding out this review because the movie is really short, then you’d be right.
She takes him to every futuristic hallway from the 80’s to meet the vicious murderer named Edlin Shock (Velvet Rhodes). She only says two words in her time there: Jack Deth. He is the one who brought her in.
You can sort of see through the lousy VHS rip this DVD provides that she is being transferred because the movie has to have an excuse for the criminal to escape and they went with this one.
McNulty walks through a door that can conveniently close on him when needed, and she breaks free.
She has the cuffs off now that were holding her hands straight up for some reason. Just thought I’d tell you that, cause the movie never explains how that happened. Nor does it explain this.
That’s right! She somehow punctured and got through the ceiling. Even Zar in Rock’s Winning Workout Without Weights couldn’t do that!
The best he could do was bonk his head on the ceiling.
Rock’s Winning Workout Without Weights (1990)
If you’re thinking they might show her taking someone’s gun that could be used to make that hole, then…um…nope! The best we get is that as she kicked one of the soldiers, he appears to have shot upward once. Blink, and you’ll miss it.
Anyways, The Warden instantly knows she has reached the room where she can go back in time. So of course they go there and find Raines (Thelma Hopkins).
She tells him that Edlin forced her to send her down the line. McNulty orders Jack’s body brought out of the vault, and gets Raines to send him down the line. By that I mean Alyson Croft is back to play McNulty as a girl. She’s as good as ever in this. In fact, the majority of the film is made up of Tim Thomerson and Alyson Croft reminding us that they really did give the best performances in any of the Trancers movies.
We now cut to the past of 1986 Los Angeles so that Helen Hunt can make what is basically a cameo appearance as Lena Deth. We first see her throwing dishes.
She’s not too happy with the last three years of their time together. Jack tells her they have a great detective agency. However, they have zero clients despite a great newspaper ad that says, “Put your trust in Deth.” Sounds fine to me! A plumbing agency ran that kind of an ad in my city’s local newspaper back in the 50s.
Then again, this is the same paper that ran a story talking about dogs pissing on the paper while it sat on newsstands. They also wrote an apology for making a typo in a classified ad by making another typo in the apology. Maybe she’s right. By the way, I’m not kidding about the pissing thing. It’s a four paragraph story about how “canines criticize” the paper.
Meanwhile, back in the movie, she chews him out, he uses the long second to give a speech, but after kissing her, she storms off anyways. Now Jack sits down to watch…
what I assume is Peter Gunn? They did make a joke about that show in the first Trancers movie. I’m not knowledgable enough about 50s television. That’s when Alyson Croft, as McNulty’s ancestor, shows up to deliver the message that the crazy killer from the beginning is after him.
Along with that, she brings up the fact that it’s a lot easier to protect Jack if he comes back to the future. This is probably the best part of the movie cause they actually bother to bring this next part up. Jack says that if he left now, then Phillip Deth, his ancestor whose body he is in, could be picked off and thus erase his own existence. McNulty says that the bad lady likes to look the person she is going to kill in the eye. That means she’ll follow him back to the future if necessary. However, since they already built this nice apartment set, Jack stays and stops McNulty from shooting him with the back to the future dart. McNulty likes to do that suddenly to Jack. He did it in the first film thus interrupting Jack just before he was going to have sex.
Now a guy fixing the roof shows up because we are only working without about 24 minutes of footage here.
Of course Jack lets him go. Now a red herring shows up. Okay, I kid. She’s not a bird, but she is dressed in red!
If this is actress Velvet Rhodes, then they sure don’t tell you anywhere in the non-existent credits or on IMDb. If she was, then you’d think he would recognize her, but he doesn’t, and neither does McNulty. I don’t think it is. Although, he certainly is skeptical. It really doesn’t matter what happens here. You are watching this just to see Tim Thomerson and Alyson Croft do their thing. They really are good together.
Oh, and the way you know for sure it’s either red jacket lady or roof guy is that they make sure to tell you that McNulty is lucky he has a genetically aligned ancestor to go back into before sending him down the line. That way you know for sure it’s not the killer posing as McNulty.
After a little bit of drinking, a little bit of interrogating, and red herring changing her clothes, this happens.
Yep, roof guy was the one she took over.
A scuffle now ensues, and between Jack and McNulty,…
she and Jack are sent back to the future.
Now the fight continues in the future.
The fight goes to the roof, and she gets knocked off bringing the reason for this plot to exist to an end.
Jack and Raines talk a bit. Jack decides to go back to the past, but with one condition. Could she send him back three hours earlier? You know, that way this movie never actually happened. Of course she can so…
they can attempt to kiss,…
tell McNulty to piss off,…
and actually kiss.
Then this happens.
Thomerson runs across the screen holding some stuff while Helen Hunt dances. Classy, Full Moon Features.
Now you may be asking yourself a question right now. Where were the Trancers in this Trancers movie? You didn’t miss anything. They aren’t here. This is the one and only Trancers movie without any Trancers in it. No mind controlled zombie Trancers from the first one. No drug-induced/mind controlled ones from the second film. No super solider ones from the third one. No vampire ones from four and five. No meteor rock tied into a ray gun that zaps you in the eyes from Trancers 6 either. No Trancers whatsoever. Honestly, I’m glad. I needed a change.
What’s nice about this film is that it really doesn’t break the continuity with the actual Trancers II. If anything, it gives us an early glimpse into how Jack was trying to settle into living in the past. Also, how his and Lena’s relationship was already on the rocks. In the end though, I would only recommend this for real fans of the series.
At the end of this entire look back at the series, the only ones worth seeing are the first one, this one, and the actual second movie. Definitely skip the rest.
I’m really glad my cable box told me what movie I was watching cause that title card sure doesn’t do a good job of it. It would be perfectly natural for someone to look at that and think it says Aee Yours before they realized it said All Yours.
Have you ever wanted to see the TV Show Melissa & Joey condensed down to about 90 minutes without a good reason for the smart guy to become a nanny, not much humor, and not much chemistry between Mom and the nanny? Neither did I. To be fair, I’ve been a big fan of Melissa & Joey for years. When I saw that Hallmark had a movie called The Manny in production, I wasn’t too jazzed. They appeared to have changed the title at the last minute though. I mean you can still see in the credits that the movie was made by Manny Productions Inc.
I think what happened was that at the last minute they got the rights to use I’m Yours by Jason Mraz. They probably figured the title All Yours not only fit with the song, but that it sounded more like the generic greeting card titles that Hallmark likes to use.
I mentioned that I’m a big fan of Melissa & Joey so I was constantly comparing it to that show while watching it. That’s only partly fair because that had many many many hours to develop all of the stuff I mentioned before, while this only had an hour and a half. I will try to be reasonable with the film.
The movie begins and we are introduced to Cass McKay (Nicollette Sheridan). She’s a lawyer. The case she’s arguing doesn’t matter. All the case part does for her character is establish that she is a good and busy lawyer. What this film does here is interrupt her argument over and over to cut to her kids at home.
The son’s sister runs up into his treehouse. You gotta put that No Girls Allowed sign where she can see it. She could argue that it wasn’t displayed properly at his establishment so she had every right to go up there. Believe it or not, these scenes are not just to establish that Cass needs a nanny. They are not just to establish that they need a nanny who can put up with the kids’ hijinks either. One of the excuses the daughter gives for getting up in the treehouse is because the son doesn’t use it anyways since he is afraid of heights. This getting over his fear of heights part of the story will be the equivalent to the bridge from Love, Again for example. Or, to use Melissa & Joey as an example, it’s the equivalent of when Joey finds and talks Lennox off the roof in the first episode of the show, thus proving his worth as a nanny. There will be a similar thing with the daughter playing the violin.
Now we get what I always show in these reviews.
I think they did a good job here. They hid the Canadian cellphone provider by having her connected to the courthouse WiFi. It also looks like they modified the screen too. It’s probably a screenshot she is looking at rather than the real interface. Regardless, good work.
Now we cut to the house to chew out the kids and introduce us to Grandma played by Jayne Eastwood.
I always like looking up these actors who I don’t immediately recognize such as Eastwood here. Wow! She seems to have been in everything under the sun. She’s been in what appears to be a sexploitation flick called My Pleasure Is My Business in the 70s, SCTV; Videodrome; and Care Bears in the 80s, the TV Show Goosebumps in the 90s, My Big Fat Greek Wedding; the remake of Dawn of the Dead; Degrassi: TNG; Chicago; and the musical remake of Hairspray in the 2000s, and in a variety of TV Shows and movies along with My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 in the 2010s. At the time of writing this, she has 215 acting credits on IMDb since her first one in 1970. Amazing!
Now we get something pretty awesome. Yes, we get a brief shot of the future nanny named Matthew Walker played by Dan Payne, but who cares when we have this shot.
Care to take a guess at where this shot was taken? It’s on the sign and attached to the flag pole. Times up! It’s Denmark. No joke. That restaurant is at Nordre Beddingsvej 17, 3390 Hundested, Denmark. I have no idea why they use this shot a couple of times, but they do. I’ve seen Hallmark movies shot in the Los Angeles area, all over Canada, and even a pseudo-Hallmark movie shot in Scotland. Denmark is a new one on me. The rest of the movie is shot in the Hallmark favorite of Langely, British Columbia. If anyone involved in the production of this movie knows why this shot ended up in the movie, then please leave a comment.
Now we go inside and meet Matthew’s father Charles played by Michael Kopsa.
Michael Kopsa is another one of these actors that has had a long and eclectic career. He’s been in some major films such Watchmen (2009) and Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011), but he goes back to the late 70s and early 80s where he got his start doing English dub work for the TV Show Mobile Suit Gundam as well as two of the movies. One of which he appears to have done the English voice of the main character: Mobile Suit Gundam: Char’s Counterattack (1988). Always worth taking advantage of IMDb while you watch movies.
He is here to talk to Grandma about his son. His son is the typical well educated guy who really found what he learned in college isn’t his thing so he’s been drifting around. A real world example of a guy like this is Huey Lewis of Huey Lewis and the News. Lewis is a bit of a math genius and attended Cornell. However, he found out it wasn’t his thing and drifted around playing music before settling down and starting his music career. His father was a doctor. That’s kind of how Charles describes his son. Charles is a developer who wants to tear down and redevelop the marina. His son isn’t a fan of that idea. I’m not either considering the marina never really looks like it’s in need of that kind of work during the film. What happens here is that Charles, Grandma, and Matthew strike a deal. Matthew will take a job as a nanny to Cass’ kids, and his father will reconsidering the redeveloping the marina. They keep that a secret from Cass. There’s your setup.
Oh, and they knew each other as kids so that they already come pre-packaged with some basis for their romance. Despite recognizing him, Grandma trying to make the hard sell, the kids obviously already liking him, and them already knowing each other, when Nicolette Sheridan gives you this look,…
then you know she means business.
Next we get introduced to Henry played by Lochlyn Munro who is kind of the wrong guy, but won’t play that role to the degree that we usually see in other Hallmark movies. On the good wrong guy to the weirdo in Christmas Land wrong guy, I’d say he sits somewhere in the middle leaning towards the decent wrong guy.
During the entire film I kept thinking that I had seen this guy before. After the film I checked the credits and realized it’s you cut to me before I had my wig on Burger King from In The Name of the King: Two Worlds (2011).
In the Name of the King: Two Worlds (2011, dir. Uwe Boll)
In the Name of the King: Two Worlds (2011, dir. Uwe Boll)
We meet him as Cass is introduced to a new court case. It is between two tech billionaires that have brought a case against each other so that their reconciliation as old friends can parallel the story between Cass and Matthew. It also adds a bit of a procedural element to the film that lets Matthew edge his way further into her life rather than having a separation of work and home since he went to law school too.
After suddenly needing to be called back to help the kids, Cass gives in and hires Matthew. That’s when she introduces him to the big calendar that will show us at what point Cass is in her character arc based on how much she breaks it and gets involved in the events listed on it. Then Matthew does something that pisses me off. He points out that Monday and Tuesday are reversed on the calendar.
Dammit, Dan Payne! You’re taking away work from cynical Hallmark critics like myself who like to point out flaws in these movies.
Anyways, she then gives him a phone to remind future viewers that this movie was released near Easter.
Also, it definitely doesn’t come in black. It’s not that kind of bunny, Matthew!
The next big thing is when he takes them to school. They actually don’t hide the name of the school at all in this movie. They say it’s Yorkson Elementary School, and it is. Well, sort of. It’s actually Yorkson Middle School, but close enough. It’s at 20686 84 Ave, Langley, BC V2Y 2B5, Canada. It’s new too because you can see it was in construction a few years ago on Google Maps.
They also bring up again that the girl’s equivalent to her brother’s height issue is playing the violin during this scene.
He takes them rock climbing. This is where we really find out that the boy has issues with heights. So of course, Matthew does what anybody would do.
He builds mini rock climbing walls in the backyard. Pretty cool actually.
This is the point in my reviews when I say you’ve got it now. The rest of the movie is kind of on autopilot. The stuff between Matthew and the kids is really the highlight of the movie. It’s not like Melissa & Joey where there’s more a balance in the quality of interaction between the nanny and Mom as well as the kids. He does have his moments with Cass, but the main focus is on his time with the kids. Cass kind of comes for free with Matthew helping the kids. That’s the way it felt to me while watching it.
The son gets over his fear.
The daughter plays the electric violin in the talent show at the end of the film.
There is of course a last minute speed bump. I think having that is in the Hallmark writing bible that they give anyone who is going to make films for them. However, it really does make sense here given how they set things up and all. Does she overreact? Yes, she does, but she comes around and they kiss at the end of the talent show.
Do I recommend it? Maybe marginally. I liked October Kiss better as a Hallmark nanny love story. If you want the the nanny to be a guy, then I really do recommend Melissa & Joey. The best part of the movie I would say is with the kids played by Genea Charpentier and Kiefer O’Reilly.
Technically this movie doesn’t begin with the title card. It actually starts by telling us Full Moon Pictures and Young Wolf Productions present that title card. The ‘6’ is huge as if to say, “seriously we made a 6th one of these.” Trancers 4 & 5 may have been sad, but that was because it was terrible seeing Tim Thomerson and his iconic role reduced to such garbage. This one doesn’t even have Thomerson in it. It’s just a terrifically bad movie. Nevertheless, let’s have some fun with it.
The film begins with a guy watching footage from the end of the movie before he realizes he too is in Trancers 6.
There’s only one thing to do when you see shot on video footage made to look even worse of a woman trying to stab another woman to death. That’s to get up, play with some switches, and then break the news to stock footage from the previous Trancers movies that time travel is going to happen again. During this we also get a voice inserted that isn’t Thomerson to say a line they couldn’t find in one of the previous movies. You might be wondering if it at least sounds like Thomerson. Nope!
Stock footage Deth is not happy about this. But before Trancers III Jack can argue his way out,…
Trancers III (1993, dir. C. Courtney Joyner)
he is sent into the future of 2006 to make a cameo appearance in Evil Bong, an extra that doesn’t look like Thomerson appears on a slab,…
Trancers (1984, dir. Charles Band)
and the film cuts back to Old Los Angeles of 2022.
So 6 years from now and 300 years 1 minute 49 seconds earlier from the opening scenes. Seriously, it says that second thing.
Moving on! We now meet Jack’s ancestor, but for a few minutes as herself. Her name is Josephine Forrest played by the only actor I’m going to credit on this film named Zette Sullivan. It’s bad enough I have to remind people she was in this movie. This was her second, and last role she ever did. Kinda sad because despite what follows, she didn’t deserve to disappear from films.
She’s an astronomer with an apartment where she can look through her telescope from the comfort of her own couch. That’s weird. She sees a meteor shower happen. She records where it was and calls it in. She is told to be careful, but she has no idea what that means. Doesn’t matter. That meteor shower thing will barely factor into this movie. Now she sets down her bowl of slop to look at her fish tank before knocking the bowl over.
This is a very important scene you see. The reason is because she says, “Oh, shoot!” You see what they did there? Flash! Fall! Get up!
“That was an ass breaker of a ride.” Other lines. “Shit! I need to clear my head.” That’s how we know for sure that Zette Sullivan has been given direction to stop acting like a regular person who has watched too many Jimmy Stewart movies and to begin channelling her inner Humphrey Bogart.
“I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again
This happens all the time
It’s detachable”
-Detachable Penis by King Missile
Of course she goes to the fridge to get a drink. Yes, I am going to call her a her despite it supposedly being Jack inside of her. I don’t want to sully the character’s good name by pretending he’s actually here. In the fridge, she finds everyone’s worst nightmare: tofu, non-fat yogurt, beet juice, and carrot juice.
“Oh, my God! What a fucking nightmare!”
-My Cousin Vinny (1992)
Then she finally realizes she’s a woman now. By that I mean she looks at her hands, her breasts, then looks in the mirror.
That’s it. I’m sorry, but this is what happens if you have a penis and suddenly discover it isn’t there.
Switch (1991, dir. Blake Edwards)
Switch (1991, dir. Blake Edwards)
That’s when Breasts walk into the room.
He is the ancestor of the guy from the beginning of the movie. He tells her that Josephine is Jack’s daughter. How much of a role will he play in this movie? Barely any. Aside from that piece of information, he’s just here to tell us his ancestor was a “ho” and give Josephine some stuff like a gun. That, and to have tits in the movie. I love that he brought along with him three pictures of the exact same thing to give to her.
Those are pictures of her being stabbed to death. A fate she needs to stop from happening.
Now she goes over to her desk to find out some information on herself. I would make fun of the CRT monitors on her desk, but who cares. There’s funnier things than that.
The next morning she gets her gun and threatens a pair of pantyhose with it before struggling to get them on.
I would love to believe that’s why she goes with a long skirt, but considering other things that happen in this movie. I just believe they thought they needed that scene because you will never see her have any problems with heels, makeup, or any of that stuff from now on. I’m actually glad about the heels part. Movies really over-exaggerate the difficulty of wearing them. The pantyhose thing is actually refreshing.
Make note of the outfit. She thinks this cool red car is hers. Make note of the red car too. After realizing the car isn’t hers, but the other car next to it, the camera cuts and…
I’m pretty sure the color of her top just changed. It could just be the lighting changing the color of the top. Regardless, make note of the purse. The movie won’t remember.
Now she arrives at work and…
is that a bright blue top now? The purse handle certainly is longer. What happened to her cardigan? Just in case you thought she might have left it in the car, the film cuts to the next scene at a hot dog stand to assure us that it did indeed forget she wasn’t wearing it in the previous scene.
There’s that long purse handle too. This scene exists to introduce us to these people who will show up later because otherwise they would need to hire more actors.
Then as she is heading into work…
she appears to have changed again back into the more beige version of the top. Damn Trancers! Before, they were just killing people, but now they are destroying all continuity.
She walks in front of the secretary so we can see that the cardigan has disappeared yet again.
It’s a magic cardigan!
Now we meet the short-lived Eddie Deezen of this movie.
Hmm…do I make the joke, or do I restrain myself? Nah! The movie is garbage. It deserves all the jokes I can come up with so I can get through this.
WarGames (1983, dir. John Badham)
I think it’s fair to say this Eddie Deezen has backdoors in mind while looking at Josephine. However, in the movie, he just reminds her that she sat at the wrong desk after giving her creepy stares and she moves over to her computer.
Remember kids, “Mondays Are Fundays.” I think Bob Geldolf & The Boomtown Rats would disagree. Even The Bangles would say that Sundays are in fact the Fundays. Okay, enough music jokes…for now. After clicking on the icon in the center of the screen without a mouse cursor and seeing that her meteor sightings were denied, a flight attendant comes to get her.
She is there to take her to see Mr. Castle and again to introduce us to an actor who will come back around again. Josephine takes a good look at her butt before going in to meet with him just to remind us that her sexual orientation has not been altered because of the gender body swap. If you didn’t get it this time, then don’t worry. The film will remind you again of this fact later. Believe it or not, at that point, it actually serves a real purpose in the story. This is an odd Full Moon production because it appears to try to send a message of being a strong woman, not smoking, not drinking, living a healthy lifestyle, and about fighting back when people try to prey on your weakness given your apparent position in society. Well, sort of. Just think of it as some marbling in the pile of cow dung.
Now Josephine sits down to talk with Mr. Castle. Blah, blah, blah, something exploded into the Earth even though we didn’t see that happen, blah, blah blah, you saw a gaseous explosion above the Earth’s atmosphere, and she’s fired.
After having a conversation with a security guard, we find out that this Eddie Deezen isn’t the jackass he appeared to be. He’s a Trancer jackass.
She proceeds to fight him. Oh, and he talks too. These must be the Trancers from the third film on, minus any real strength. He tells her that Mr. Castle wants her dead, breaks free, turns into pixels, jumps out of a window,…
and then dissolves on the ground.
That’s when Jim Walls…
appears to tell Josephine she didn’t follow proper trooper procedure and sends her back to try again.
After getting a call, Josephine is off to meet her astronomer friend at an observatory who apparently…
is still living in 1991 according to that poster behind him. The doctor confirms her findings about a meteor crashing into the Earth, and bad guys show up. All you need to know is that the long second works even better than before. You start to use it with your hair up,…
then the camera cuts to put your hair down,…
followed by the long second getting activated which puts your hair up again,…
and finally as you run away, your hair is down again.
Yes, that is the car from the parking lot earlier that she thought was hers. No reason for it to be the same car, but it is. She gets in that car and mows down a Trancer on the ground before getting out to shoot another one with her hair up again.
Now she bends down to take the dead Trancer’s jacket, but pops back up with her hair down again.
She also takes his pants because clearly those are her size. This part happened before she popped up with her hair down again.
The movie now briefly cuts back to the future to show the guy playing with a computer followed by fake Jack being attacked by ripple special effects.
Josephine follows one of the Trancers from the observatory and Breasts shows up to talk to her. He tells her that she is fading in the future so she better make sure her parents get together at the Enchantment Under The Sea dance. He actually says she is fading up the line because of her potential failure in the past.
Now we are off to the last main set of the movie, and the movie still has an hour to go. She gets there by following a white truck that picked up three Trancers that were hanging out nearby. Her first encounter at this shanty town/base of operations is with a guy I call Lucas.
The Wizard (1989, dir. Todd Holland)
However, since she doesn’t have the Power Glove, he takes her in. They stick her in a room with a musical reference.
“Who draws the crowd and plays so loud, baby, it’s the guitar man
Who’s gonna steal the show, you know, baby, it’s the guitar man
He can make you love, he can make you cry
He will bring you down and he’ll get you high
Somethin’ keeps him goin’ miles and miles a day
To find another place to play”
-The Guitar Man by Bread
This is where the sexual orientation part actually has a purpose. He is dirty. They pretend he is one of the many transients who has been taken in by the bad guys to be turned into Trancers. The reason it matters is because he offers to have sex with her, and she tells him she isn’t into guys. That rules out a way he can get close to her in order to mislead her. That’s the last time it’s brought up. It’s better than that whole thing in Switch where he doesn’t have sex with the one girl because even though he is in a woman’s body and loves girl on girl, he is supposedly so homophobic that he can’t do it. It sounds even dumber when I write it out.
I forgot to mention that Bad, Bad, Hot Dog Man from earlier is here too.
He’s the baddest hot dog vender in the whole damn town.
I couldn’t resist. It’s going to be awhile till I can reference it properly in a review of Sneakers (1992) where you get to hear it sung by some Chinese guys.
This is when the Waitress In The Sky…
shows up to tell us she is now Hell Bent For Leather…
and give an inspirational speech to her people. She tells them that the ray gun attached to a fake meteor is going to make them powerful so they can fight back against the system. This lady volunteers…
and turns into this.
Remember that she looks like that after she is zapped because the movie will forget it when they go to zap Josephine even though it does that with every single other person. All Josephine will do is act like Kristen Stewart in Twilight: New Moon (2009), and they all believe she has been Tranced.
Some guy is brought in and torn apart by two of the Tranced ladies. Then they are taken to two people having a barbecue who they kill before being singed by Hot Dog vendor.
That’s when the film cuts to Flight Attendant and Castle. They do some plotting here that no one cares about. The importance of this scene is to remind us there actually was a crew that worked on this movie because we can see their reflection in the TV screen.
Now we get a random sex scene between Flight Attendant and The Guitar Man. This is apparently how he reports to her. His penis must tell her somehow. Even more random, it cuts to things like this during the scene.
This is now only halfway through the movie. Yep!
Flight Attendant keeps saying she is helping these extras who are about 20 years late to be zombies in Day of the Dead (1985). This stuff goes on and on and on.
I do like this guy in the background though who is training by lifting a road sign.
This is how she looks after she has been supposedly Tranced even though everyone else looked like a zombie afterwards.
She dodged it using another long second Breasts gave her. There’s also a thing about Flight Attendant’s butt knocking this over…
even though it will have no purpose in the film that I could discern.
Now Josephine is sent off to bring in her scientist friend. He’s just brought in to provide convenient items when the plot needs them. Also, just before he is taken it looks like somebody’s hand appears slightly in the bottom left hand corner of the screen.
You’ve got the movie now. They all just hang out at this place while the scientist is forced to work on improving their Trancing so they can replace people in power. They do this till enough time has run out on the movie for the final showdown to occur. I’m not going to waste your time with a blow by blow of this part. Let’s cut to the fight, and summarize it with a musical number!
*piano music start*
Again! Run, Shoot, Shoot, Fight, Shoot, Aim
Again! Run, Shoot, Shoot, Fight, Shoot, Aim
Again! Run, Shoot, Shoot, Fight, Shoot, Aim
Again! Run, Shoot, Shoot, Fight, Shoot, Aim
Right! That connects with turn, Turn, go outside building, go inside building, Jump, Run, Run, Kick, Kick, Leap, Kick, Aim
Going on! And turn, Turn, Shoot, Duck, Back Up, Run, Pivot, Run, Walk, Walk, Walk
Now imagine that whole combination facing towards the cameras, and you have the battle.
There are a couple of plot things here such as the meteor being the source of the Trancing ray. It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. They don’t even use it consistently. One minute it turns people into Trancers, then it’s just turning them mindless, then it’s blowing up ground, and then it’s making cars disappear.
The scientist gets stabbed in the back, the Flight Attendant gets her head blown off, and then boom!
With that done, Josephine returns to kill Mr. Castle who turns out to be an alien.
Now the movie actually sequel baits big time that Josephine is the new Jack Deth going out to hunt down the remaining Trancers. It seems like they really thought this would reboot the franchise.
Everything is wrong with this movie. I honestly can’t give you one redeeming quality here other than maybe the pantyhose thing. The sad thing is that I can think of a way this possibly could have been saved. Rather than having Jack go back into the body of his daughter, have him end up in McNulty’s ancestor instead. The girl played by actress Alyson Croft who was not only in the original film as that character, but in the sequel too. She was good and pulled off the seasoned male cop in a young woman’s body well. I would have brought her back and just made up some nonsense that this time something happened causing Jack to end up in the wrong body. Quantum Leap broke the rules one time for that Civil War episode so Sam Beckett could take credit for saving Martin Luther King’s ancestor and giving him his last name. Why couldn’t they have just done that here? Croft was only 27 when this movie came out too so she certainly would have been young enough for Full Moon. What a shame.
I just probably gave this particular installment in the Trancers series more attention than anyone else or that it even deserved. Well, we have one more to go after this. We will be going back to the original second Trancers movie that was made as part of an anthology film called Pulse Pounders (1988) and released on its own only a couple of years ago.
Through the Shattered Lens 