Film Review: Stargate (dir by Roland Emmerich)

Posted on March 17, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1994’s Stargate, James Spader plays Daniel Jackson, a nerdy Egyptologist who is recruited to decipher some hieroglyphics on some ancient stones that are being studied in a secret government facility in Colorado. Kurt Russell plays Colonel Jack O’Neill, a Special Operations officer who has been suicidal ever since the accidental death of his son. (He shot himself with Jack’s gun. Yikes!)

Together …. they solve crimes!

Well, no, not really. Instead, by deciphering the hieroglyphics, Daniel discovers how to open up a stargate, a wormhole that leads to another planet. Daniel, Jack, and a group of soldiers go through the stargate to see where it leads. Daniel is interested in discovering a new world and perhaps coming to understand how the pyramids were built. Jack just wants to get things over with. He’s been given a nuclear bomb and told to blow things up if the stargate leads to a hostile world. Jack doesn’t care if he lives or dies.

That changes once everyone finds themselves on a desert planet where the inhabitants are being exploited by Ra (Jaye Davidson)! It turns out that Ra actually does exist. Rather than being the God that the ancient Egyptians believed him to be, Ra is actually an alien who feeds off of the life forces of others. Every sacrifice that is performed for him allows Ra to extend his life. When Ra discovers that Daniel and Jack are on the planet and that Jack has a nuclear warhead with him, Ra takes that as a sign of aggression. He decides to make the warhead even more powerful and send it back through the stargate so that it can blow up the Earth. Normally, Jack wouldn’t care but fighting for the planet’s oppressed inhabitants has filled him with a renewed purpose.

Stargate is a film that I like almost despite myself. There’s a lot of reasons why Stargate would seem like the type of film that I would normally dislike. With the exception of a few films (Starcrash, the Guardians of the Galaxy trilogy), I’m not normally a huge fan of science fiction. I’m not really a fan of anything that takes place in the desert because I know I would be miserable if I was there. (Redhead don’t tan, we burn.) I’m not really a fan of Roland Emmerich as a director. I’ll never forgive him for Anonymous, which I realize was made decades after Stargate but it was still annoying all the same.

And yet, I do like Stargate. I like that James Spader gets to play something other than a sinister creep for once. Nerdy Spader is a very appealing Spader. I like that Kurt Russell gives a fully committed performance, even if the film itself is somewhat silly. He doesn’t just go through the motions with his role, that I’m sure the temptation was there to do so. When Jack is depressed, you believe it. I like that Jaye Davidson gives an enjoyably bizarre performance as Ra. (Davidson, who was offered the role after The Crying Game and was shocked when the producers agreed to pay him a million dollars to play Ra, retired from acting after this film.) I liked the fact that, for once, the aliens truly seemed like aliens as opposed to coming across like stuffy Earthlings in a flying saucer. And I appreciated that, with this film, Emmerich actually seemed to be having fun with the story as opposed to just stolidly moving the action from one trailer-ready moment to another.

Stargate is silly. Wow, is it ever silly! But it’s silly in an enjoyable and entertaining way. James Spader, Kurt Russell, and Jaye Davidson make the film worth watching.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.17 “The Servant”

Posted on November 5, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Mitch does not want to believe.

Episode 2.17 “The Servant”

(Dir by Georg Fenady, originally aired on April 12th, 1997)

There’s something strange happening at a warehouse that stores ancient artifacts. The wealthy woman (Renee Suran) who owns the warehouse claims that someone wrapped in bandages killed both a security guard and her chauffeur. She goes to Daimont Teague and, of course, Teague takes her to Ryan and Mitch.

“I want you to solve my murder,” the woman says, convinced that she’s destined to be killed by whatever it was that she saw in the warehouse.

The killer was wrapped in bandages and Mitch is stunned to discover that the killer apparently took four bullets without even slowing down. In fact, one of the bullets is found on the ground and it doesn’t have a bit of blood or bodily tissue on it. What could be going on?

Ryan and Teague suggest that the killer could be a mummy.

Mitch gets angry, saying that there’s no way a mummy has come back to life and is killing people and stealing artifacts from the warehouse. Even when Ryan tells him about an ancient curse that may have been activated by the removal of the artifacts from a tomb, Mitch says that he doesn’t believe in mummies. He’s a skeptic!

Okay, I’ve done this before but let’s do it begin. Here are just a few things that have happened to Mitch since the start of season 2.

Mitch has dealt with a huge number of sea monsters.
Mitch has dealt with space spores that caused animals to explode.
Mitch has witnessed Donna get possessed by the spirit of a serial killer.
Mitch has been transported through time and has been chased by an axe-wielding maniac from the turn of the century.
Mitch has battled a werewolf.
Mitch has battled a vampire.
Mitch has discovered that the world is secretly controlled by the Knights Templar.
Mitch has witnessed two 800 year-old Vikings come back to life and immediately resume their blood feud.

And that’s just scratching the surface! After seeing all of that, Mitch somehow cannot bring himself to believe that there is a mummy wandering around a warehouse that appears to only house cursed Egyptian artifacts. Myself, I think just the stuff with the Vikings would have convinced me to believe just about anything.

My personal theory is that, much like the protagonist of a Lovecraft short story, Mitch does believe in the mummy but he’s insisting that he doesn’t because he know that accepting it as reality will lead to him losing his mind.

Fortunately, Ryan is not as skeptical as Mitch and she’s able to discover that the mummy and the missing artifacts are all a part of a plot to open up a mystical portal. Fortunately, she and Mitch are able to thwart the plans of Dr. Kasan (Erick Avari). Seriously, if everyone had listened to Mitch, Malibu would have been invaded by hundreds of mummies.

This episode was dull. The cast was noticeably small, with regulars Griff and Donna noticeably absent from the proceedings, the warehouse and the mummy looked cheap, and the only think creating any atmosphere was an overuse of Dutch angles. Angie Harmon was great as usual but, surprisingly considering that his signature brand is overwhelming earnestness, David Hasselhoff seemed bored with the whole thing. This mummy should have been kept under wraps.

Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak On A Plane (2007, directed by Scott Thomas)

Posted on October 10, 2024 by Jedadiah Leland

Bad news! There’s a zombie outbreak on a 747 jumbo jet! That’s what you get for trying to transport a scientist who has been infected with a “super warrior” virus on a commercial flight. It’s fine as long as she’s in her container but it just takes a little turbulence for her to get free and start infecting everyone.

This movie was advertised as being the first movie about a zombie outbreak on a plane and yes, it came out the same time as Snakes on a Plane. Flight of the Living Dead makes good use of its limited setting. Not only do the handful of uninfected passengers have to maneuver around the undead in a tight space but they have to figure out how to get off the plane before it either runs out of fuel or gets blown up by the fighter jets that are following it. The plane setting also reveals a new way to dispose of zombies, though it also means disposing of many of the living as well.

Flight of the Living Dead was better than I expected. The characters are all cardboard but the action is fast and furious and that it was all happening the air did bring a new element of suspense to the familiar story. Zombie movies are dime a dozen but this one’s not bad. The next time I have to fly anywhere, I’m going to make sure I’m seated as far to the back of the plane as possible.

Love On The Lens: Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story (dir by John Herzfeld)

Posted on February 14, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Poor Joey Buttafuoco!

As seen in the 1993 made-for-TV movie Casualties of Love, Joey is a saintly, salt-of-the-Earth blue collar guy who works as an auto mechanic on Long Island. He’s also an aspiring drummer, one who struggles with a major cocaine addiction. When his loving wife, Mary Jo (Phyllis Lyons), threatens to leave him and take the kids unless he cleans up his act, Joey checks into rehab. Six months later, he leaves rehab clean and sober and dedicated to his family. All of the other patients lean out of their windows and wish Joey well. Everyone loves Joey!

Joey, the most handsome and sweetest auto mechanic in the state of New York, does have a problem, though. A sociopathic teenager named Amy Fisher (Alyssa Milano) has grown obsessed with him and keeps intentionally damaging her car so that she can come hang out at the garage. When the other mechanics say that Amy is hot, Joey agrees but that’s all he does. Joey loves his wife. When Amy tries to kiss him at a carnival, he shoves her away and then kisses his wife to make sure that everyone understand that Joey Buttafuoco is the best guy ever. When Amy accuses Joey of giving her a STD, everyone realizes she’s lying because Joey would never have an STD in the first place.

And when Amy shoots Mary Jo in the face, the media and the police try to make it seem like Joey is somehow to blame but again, we know that he’s not. Joey Buttafuoco is a name that means honor and respect.

Uhmm …. yeah.

So, this is story is very loosely based on a true story and by that, I mean that there was a teenager named Amy Fisher who shot a woman named Mary Jo in the face and later said that she was having an affair with her husband, Joey. Apparently, there were three made-for-TV movies made about the case, all of which premiered in the same month. Casualties of Love is told from the point of view of Joey and Mary Jo and it fully supports Joey’s initial claim that he never slept with Amy and she was just some obsessed psycho.

While watching this film, I got bored enough to look up the case on Wikipedia and I learned that, after this movie aired, Joey admitted that he did have an affair with 16 year-old Amy Fisher and he subsequently went to jail for statutory rape. After getting out of jail, Joey divorced his wife and has subsequently been in and out of trouble with the law. He also become a regular on TV court shows, where he would sue people who failed to pay him for fixing their cars. My point is, Joey Buttafuoco sounds like a bit of a sleaze in real life. That makes this film’s portrayal of him as being some sort of Saint of Long Island feel rather dumb.

Actually, it would feel dumb even if the real Joey Buttafuoco was a solid citizen. Casualties of Love is one of the silliest films that I’ve ever seen, portraying Joey as being a streetwise former cocaine addict who was somehow too naive to realize that it would look bad to spend time in his office alone with Amy. As Joey, Jack Scalia is very handsome and very sincere and he feels totally miscast as someone who spends hours working underneath the hood of other people’s cars. Leo Rossi and Lawrence Tierney both show up, mostly so they can say, “Oh, what were you thinking!?” to Joey. As Amy Fisher, Alyssa Milano gives an amazingly lifeless performance. Occasionally she talk fast and plays with her hair. This is the film’s way of letting us know that she’s supposed to be unhinged. I mean, I do the same thing. If you’ve got long hair, you’re going to play with it whenever you got bored. It doesn’t make you crazy.

Unfortunately, though the film may be silly, it’s not much fun. The direction is workmanlike and the film’s portrayal of Joey and Mary Jo’s marriage is so earnestly bland that the film never even rises to the level of camp. The film ends with a warning that Amy would soon be eligible for parole. (Oddly, it also points out that Amy could take college courses in jail, as if that was a bad thing.) Meanwhile, “Mary Jo is taking it one day at a time.” Fortunately, Mary Jo eventually took herself out of Joey’s life and filed for divorce. That’s the happy ending this film lacks.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Gun 1.1 “The Shot”

Posted on October 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Gun, an anthology series that ran on ABC for six week in 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Produced by filmmaker Robert Altman, Gun was an anthology series that followed one gun from person-to-person. Each week would feature a new cast and a new story. The show itself didn’t catch on but, because of Altman’s prestige, is still managed to attract some prominent and interesting guest stars during it’s 6-episode run.

The first episode, for instance, brings the gun together with Daniel Stern, Ed Begley, Jr., and model Kathy Ireland.

Episode 1.1 “The Shot”

(Dir by James Foley, originally aired on April 12th, 1997)

The first episode of Gun opens with an unnamed dumbass purchasing a pearl-handed, .45 semi-automatic pistol. When he takes it home, his kids are impressed but his wife threatens to kick him out if he ever fires the gun in the house. Next thing you know, the dumbass is pretending to be Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver and pointing the gun at the television. The final shoot-out from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly leads to the TV getting shot. The dumbass returns the gun. Later, that night, someone breaks into the gun store and steals the gun.

Who stole it? It turns out that it was just a guy who spends his time holding up convenience stores. Unfortunately, his next attempt at a convenience store robbery does not go well, largely due to one aggravated customer. Harvey Hochfelder (Daniel Stern) is already in an agitated state before the robbery even begins. He just wants to leave Los Angeles for Virginia but, before he can leave, he had to stop off at the slowest convenience store in L.A. Harvey loses it as soon as he realizes that the robbery is going to mean his escape to Virginia is going to be even further delayed. When Harvey’s wife (Kathy Baker) enters the store, the robber is startled into first shooting at Harvey and then dropping the gun. The robber runs outside and tries to steal Harvey’s car, with Harvey’s son and dog in the back seat. Harvey grabs the gun and chases the robber down. The robber crashes the car and Harvey holds him at gun point until the police arrive.

Harvey becomes a celebrity. He even appears on the cover Newsweek, with the simple headline, “American Hero.” Hollywood wants to make a made-for-TV movie about what happened in the convenience store, with Harvey playing himself and Kathy Ireland playing his wife.

Unfortunately, the friends of the robber are not happy that Harvey “fingered our homie” (yes, that’s actual dialogue) and they decide that they want to get revenge on Harvey. When they force his car off the road and then pull guns of their own on him, Harvey diffuses the situation by offering them roles the movie. Everyone wants to be a star!

Finally, the day of filming has arrived. Under the guidance of the film’s director (Ed Begley, Jr.), Harvey prepares to climb into bed with a lingerie-clad Kathy Ireland….

Suddenly, Harvey is back in the convenience store, getting shot multiple times by the robber and expiring as a security camera records his final moments. His entire time as a Hollywood star was just a dying fantasy which, honestly, was kind of obvious just by how cartoonish all of the Hollywood scenes were.

Well, as far as first episodes are concerned this was really, really …. bad. Anthology shows are always a bit hit-and-miss and this episode was definitely almost all miss and no hit. As good a character actor as he may be, Daniel Stern overacts to such an extent in this episode that it’s difficult to really have much sympathy for Harvey and the episode’s final twist largely fell flat.

The first episode of Gun is an almost entire …. dare I say it? …. misfire.