Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.14 “Call Me Lucky/Torch Song”

Posted on December 13, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the first season of Fantasy Island comes to a close!

Episode 1.14 “Call Me Lucky/Torch Song”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on May 20th, 1978)

As always, this week’s episode of Fantasy Island brings us a collection of guest stars who have all flown to the island to have their fantasies granted. However, none of these fantasies are quite as interesting as the rather bizarre relationship of Mr. Roarke and Tattoo.

I’ve often commented on the fact that, during the first season of this show, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo seemed to harbor a strong dislike for each other. Tattoo was always complaining that Mr. Roarke wasn’t charging enough for the fantasies. Mr. Roarke often chastised Tattoo for his attempts to hit on the guests. Even though they were supposed to be good friends and business partners, nearly every episode seemed to end with Mr. Roarke getting rather exasperated with Tattoo. Reportedly, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize did not get along off-screen and, as I’ve said before, it often seems like that dislike bled into their performances on the show.

This episode begins with Tattoo smoking a pipe and wearing a monocle. As he explains to Mr. Roarke, he’s trying to be appear sophisticated so he can “get all the broads.” He also says that he’s specifically trying to act like Mr. Roarke. Now, I know enough about passive-aggressive behavior that I immediately realized that Tattoo’s compliment was basically his way of accusing Mr. Roarke of being a pompous jackass. Mr. Roarke obviously figured it out as well because, a few scenes later, he takes a twenty dollar bill away from Tattoo and gives it to a guest on the island. When Tattoo objects, Mr. Roarke suavely replies, “Finders keepers, losers weepers.” At the end of the episode, when Tattoo gets his twenty back, Roarke promptly snatches it away from him. It’s hard not to notice that, even with two fantasies to keep an eye on, Mr. Roarke’s main concern seems to be making sure that Tattoo doesn’t get anything that he wants.

As for the fantasies, the first one deals with Harry Beamish (Richard Dawson), a degenerate gambler who has lost his family due to his need to make bets and risk his cash. Harry’s fantasy to be the luckiest guy in the world and, for a day or so, he is. Every bet that he makes pays off. Tattoo even starts to follow Harry around at the race track so that he can too can make money. (Fantasy Island has a racetrack?) But then Harry’s ten year-old son, Joey (Brad Savage), shows up. It turns out that Joey’s fantasy is for his father and his mother to get back together. (Mr, Roarke mentions that he only charged Joey $5 for the fantasy so Tattoo does have a point about Roarke not charging enough.) When Harry realizes that Joey idolizes him and is planning on following in his footsteps, Harry realizes that it’s time to stop gambling and be a father. Awwwwww!

The other fantasy deals with Edith Garvey (Kathryn Holcomb), whose fantasy is to go back to the 20s and become a torch singer. Under the name of Kitty Abilene, she finds a good deal of success. She also falls in love with her piano player, Neil (Edd Byrnes). Unfortunately, two rival gangsters go to war over who owns her contract. Edith’s fantasy ends at the exact moment that the local speakeasy is attacked by crime boss Big Al. Fortunately, it turns out that Neil is also a guest on the island and that he was having a fantasy of his own. Edith and Neil leave the island together. Awwwwww!

The fantasies weren’t bad and, being the 20s loving history nerd that I am, I enjoyed the gangster action. But, ultimately, it was the passive aggressive hostility between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo that made this episode memorable. The first season ended with Roarke rolling his eyes at Tattoo. Will their relationship improve during the second season? We’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.9 “Trouble My Lovely/The Common Man”

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 1.9 “Trouble, My Lovely/The Common Man”

(Directed by Cliff Bole, originally aired on April 1st, 1978)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens, as most of them do, with Mr. Roarke sharing a few words with Tattoo before they leave to meet the plane. This week, Roarke is surprised to find that Tattoo wearing a turban. Tattoo has decided that there is money to be made in being a phony mind reader.

Roarke shakes his head dismissively and then it’s off to meet the latest visitors to Fantasy Island. Unfortunately, the fantasies that follow are so boring that you’ll find yourself wishing that Roarke had spent more time talking to Tattoo.

Don Knotts plays a Stanley Schecktler, a claims adjustor who dreams of being a hard-boiled private investigator. He gets his wish and soon finds himself in a noirish version of Los Angeles. Stanley is hired by Ivy Chandler (Lynda Day George) to investigate the man who is blackmailing her daughter, Peggy (Pamela Jean Bryant). Like all good detectives, Stanley narrates the story.

Eventually, Stanley finds himself investigating an actual murder! Mr. Roarke and Tattoo shows up to inform Stanley that his fantasy is potentially deadly. They offer to refund his money. (Tattoo says that he rarely ever refunds money so I guess Tattoo is the Island’s business manager. I know that’s been mentioned in a few previous episodes but I still find it hard to believe, considering how little respect Roarke seems to have for Tattoo.) Stanley, however, is determined to solve the murder. This leads to Tattoo, who has switched his turban for a fedora, giving Stanley one important piece of advice:

This fantasy had potential. What film lover hasn’t fantasized about being a character in a film noir? Unfortunately, the execution was lacking, with the majority of the comedic lines falling flat. Don Knotts has a few funny moments as the detective but the story itself never finds the right balance between comedy and noir.

That said, at least there was an unexpected twist to the detective fantasy. The show’s other fantasy was not only lame but also kind of annoying. Bernie Kopell, who was so likable as Doc Bricker on The Love Boat, is far less likable as a wimpy family man who comes to Fantasy Island with one request. He wants Mr. Roarke to be a terrible host so that he can stand up to him and win the respect of his family. Seriously, that’s the entire fantasy!

Sorry, dude, but you deserve to get treated like a schmo for having pay thousands of dollar just to get your family to look up to you. This guy spent a lot of money to have a fantasy on Fantasy Island that he could get for free just by taking his family out to Denny’s and demanding to see the manager. Seriously, this whole fantasy was a bit pointless but at least Tattoo got to try out his mind reading tricks when he and Mr. Roarke came across the Kopell sitting at the bar.

Oh well! Not every fantasy can be a winner. Hopefully, next week will be better.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.7 “The Funny Girl/Butch and Sundance”

Posted on October 25, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

“Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

Sorry, Mr. Roarke, there’s not much to smile about when it comes to this episode.

Episode 1.7 “The Funny Girl/Butch and Sundance”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on March 18th, 1978)

At the start of this episode, Tattoo is all excited because his birthday is coming up and he remembers that, last year, he partied all night and a bunch of beautiful women celebrated with him. Mr. Roarke promises Tattoo that things will be different this year. This year, Mr. Roarke says, there will be no presents. Tattoo will play a game of chess and drink a glass of sherry and maybe there will be a cello recital. Tattoo, needless to say, is disappointed.

Ignoring Tattoo’s anger, Mr. Roarke introduces him to the latest guests at Fantasy Island and it turns out that their fantasies are almost as disappointing and boring as Mr. Roarke’s plans for Tattoo’s birthday. Kay Penny (Marcia Strassman) is apparently the world’s most successful comedienne even though she never comes across as being particularly funny. Her fantasy is to move to small town where no one knows her. That sounds like a pretty lousy fantasy but whatever.

Bill (Christopher Connelly) and Alex (James MacArthur) are two friends who want to be Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid for a weekend. They’re huge fans of the film, though it appears neither one of them ever stuck around for the end. Mr. Roarke takes Bill and Alex to an old west town (perhaps the same one that we saw a few weeks ago) and Bill and Alex get to live out their fantasy while trading quips and robbing banks. The problem, for those of us who are watching then, is that neither Christopher Connelly nor James MacArthur can compare to Robert Redford and Paul Newman. Eventually, though, the great character actor William Smith shows up as a visitor whose fantasy is to be Wyatt Earp. He attempts to arrest Butch and Sundance. They outsmart him and then Bill and Alex go home, satisfied. Good for them but what about the guy who wanted to be Wyatt Earp? Does he get his money back? Seriously, I don’t think being humiliated was a part of his fantasy.

Meanwhile, Kay finds herself living in a small town. Using the name Katherine Patrino, she gets a job as the receptionist for a veterinarian (played by Dennis Cole) and she also helps the vet’s silent son get over the recent loss of his mother. She also tells a lot of jokes, none of which are particularly funny. The best thing about this fantasy is that Mr. Roarke disguised himslef as a clown and showed up at the small town’s Founders Day Festival.

And then Tattoo did the same thing.

Anyway, during the festival, a dog was hit by a truck but Kay helped to bring it back to life and that brought a tear to my mismatched eyes. Otherwise, this was a very forgettable trip to Fantasy Island.

On a positive note, though, it turned out that Mr. Roarke was just joking and Tattoo got to have a wild party after all. Good for him, he earned it!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.2 “Bet A Million/Mr. Irresistible”

Posted on September 20, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Welcome to Fantasy Island! Who will have a fantasy this week and what will be left of them?

Episode 1.2 “Bet A Million/Mr. Irresistible”

(Directed by John Newland and Cliff Bole, originally aired on February 4th, 1978)

In the second episode of Fantasy Island, a bit more was revealed about the resort.

First off, it only costs $6,000 to travel to Fantasy Island and have a fantasy. (In the pilot, it cost $60,000.) I assume that, with inflation, it would cost a bit more today but still, $6,000 seems like a pretty good deal for something that could potentially change your life. However, we also learn that Mr. Roarke doesn’t always charge full price. In fact, it appears that he often allows people to come to the island for free. Tattoo thinks that is a little bit foolish and it is. I mean, it’s a big resort. I imagine it must not be cheap to run the place.

Secondly, in this episode, we discovered that Fantasy Island has a house band. They play in the lounge and they are totally funky. Check them out:

Finally, in this episode, we are introduced to the Fantasy Island casino. Apparently, if a visitor “breaks the bank” at the casino, they can play for a chance to win the island itself! However, Mr. Roarke insists on being at the table if anyone plays for the island and Mr. Roarke has magical powers so you can be sure that he’s never going to lose.

The casino plays a huge role in one of this episode’s two fantasies. Fred Wade (Henry Gibson) sells hotel supplies for a living. His friends call him “Mr. Hotel,” which he apparently considers to be a compliment. Fred and his wife (Jane Powell) come to Fantasy Island. Their fantasy? A chance to talk to wealthy hotelier Otis Hayden about a resort that Fred wants to build and run. (It seems like it would have been smarter to actually make running the hotel the fantasy but what do I know about the hotel business?) Mr. Roarke informs Fred that, if he wants his fantasy to come true, he’s going to have to approach Hayden in the casino and play some card games. Fred admits that he doesn’t have any money. Mr. Roarke explains that Tattoo has totaled up all of Fred’s assets (including his house and his car) and, as such, Fred has $40,000 to play with. Fred agrees to do so because this isn’t creepy at all.

Things don’t go so well. Fred meets Hayden and makes his pitch. But, in the process, he loses $30,000 and, the next morning, Hayden leaves the island without talking to Fred about his plans. Fred nearly gives up on his dreams but then he decides to bet his remaining money at the casino. With his wife at his side, Fred has an early run of luck. He wins over a million dollars. He gets to play for the ownership of Fantasy Island! And …. he loses the final hand.

Not to worry though! This is Fantasy Island! Just as Fred and his wife are preparing to leave the island, words comes through that Hayden wants to build the resort. And Hayden sends Fred a cashier’s check for $49,000! Fred learns a valuable lesson about never giving up hope.

Meanwhile….

Gangly Chuck Sheffield (John Schuck) wins a free trip to Fantasy Island in a contest. His fantasy? He wants to know what it’s like to be irresistible to women. It’s not that he doesn’t love his fiancée, Stephanie. It’s just that Chuck doesn’t want to get married and then spend the rest of his life wondering. To me, it sounds like he’s just looking for an excuse to cheat. However, Tattoo sympathizes with Chuck.

In fact, Tattoo looking for love was a major subplot during this episode.

Mr. Roarke gives Chuck the “love root,” a cologne that makes Chuck irresistible to every woman that he meets. Again, Tattoo thinks that it’s a wonderful idea.

And, at first, Chuck thinks it’s a wonderful idea.

However, Chuck soon has every woman on the island fighting over him and all of their boyfriends want to beat up Chuck! Chuck learns to appreciate the life he has, despite the power of the love root.

Surprise, surprise! It turns out that the love root is just scented water and that the entire contest was fake. Stephanie arranged for Chuck to go to Fantasy Island so that he wouldn’t have any lingering regrets once they got married. I would not do that for my boyfriend.

Anyway, this episode of Fantasy Island was fairly silly but at least Mr. Roark and Tattoo got to do a bit more here than they did last week. Henry Gibson and Jane Powell were sympathetic as the couple with a dream. John Schuck was a good actor but not even he could redeem Chuck. Seriously, Stephanie, you deserve better! The important thing is that the resort looked lovely and, since it only costs $6,000, I know where we’re all going on our next vacation!