Command 5 (1985, directed by E.W. Swackhamer)


Morgan (Stephen Parr) is a mysterious government operative who puts together a special paramilitary force to take on extreme threats.  He says that only misfits are allowed to join his group because they have the edge he needs.  Smith (William Russ) is a wild Texan who drives like a maniac.  Psychiatrist Winslow (Sonja Smits) can fire an Uzi better than any man.  Kowalski (John Matuszak) is a demolitions expert who listens to Beethoven.  Jack Coburn (Wings Hauser) is a rebellious detective who is good with a throwing knife.

After a montage of their extensive training and a scene where our heroes take a look at the bullet-proof RV that they’ll be traveling the country in, the movie finally gets down to business.  A motorcycle-riding terror cult led by Delgado (Gregory Sierra) has taken an entire town hostage and is threatening to kill everyone unless they’re given a flight out of the country.  Our heroes drive their bulletproof van into town and try to defeat the bad guys.  There’s one good scene where the RV is driving down the town’s main street and getting hit nonstop with bullets.  The scene was obviously ripped off from the end of Clint Eastwood’s The Gauntlet but it’s still exciting to watch.  Otherwise, the action in this one is pretty rudimentary.

I guess Command 5 was supposed to be a pilot for television show that never went into production.  It is very much a television production.  There’s a lot of shooting but no blood.  Wings Hauser is less dangerous than usual.  The whole thing ends with Command 5 looking forward to adventures that were never to come.  Watching the pilot, you can see why it never became a show.  The characters were all thinly-written and never seemed to have much of a connection with each other and Hauser and Russ both seemed to be competing to be the loose cannon of the group.  This one is for Wings Hauser completists only.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.8 “Hot Wheels”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

Last night’s review of CHiPs was pre-empted by a sudden storm.  Here it is now, in its entirety,

Episode 3.8 “Hot Wheels”

(Dir by John Florea, originally aired on November 3rd, 1979)

Ponch is still in the hospital, recovering from last week’s accident.  Still, because he’s Ponch, he’s the one who figures out that a bunch of disgruntled fireman are using city trucks to commit their jewelry thefts.  Hey, wait a minute.  Last week’s episode was also about jewelry thefts.  Admittedly, CHiPs was a show that tended to recycle plots but, even by CHiPs standards, this is one of those coincidences that leaves you wondering what exactly was going on in the writer’s room.

Actually, it’s easy to guess.  Erik Estrada really was injured while filming an episode.  The cast that he wears throughout this episode was real and, as easy as it can be to make fun of his overexpressive acting and his tendency to lose his shirt every other scene, you do have to respect that Estrada showed to film this episode at all.  With Estrada injured, one gets the feeling that this episode, just like last week’s, was quickly rewritten to cover the situation.

Baker gets a temporary partner in this episode.  It’s the return of his former motorcycle mate, John Clayton!  Clayton was apparently Baker’s partner before Ponch.  Clayton has a reputation for being a practical joker,  It’s all anyone can talk about.  Clayton is a legendary prankster!  They really want us to know that Clayton’s a fun guy before he shows up and we discover that he’s played by Andrew Robinson, the actor who is best-known for playing the Scorpio Killer in Dirty Harry.  Robinson wears a mustache as Clayton, probably in an attempt to keep 1979 audiences from looking at the screen and going, “Hey, I remember that guy hijacking a school bus!”

(I should mention that Andrew Robinson himself was a committed pacifist when he filmed Dirty Harry, to the extent that he actually flinched whenever he had to shoot the killer’s gun and he actually traumatized himself while filming the school bus hijack.  He actually sounds like a pretty nice guy who just happened to play one of the most loathsome screen villains of all time.)

Baker works with Clayton and it must be said that Larry Wilcox does seem to be noticeably happier when he’s acting opposite Robinson than he ever did when he was acting opposite Estrada.  The episode features Clayton performing a heroic and dangerous rescue at one point and it’s easy to see that that scene was originally conceived with Estrada in mind.  It’s also easy to imagine Estrada flashing his big grin at the end of the scene while Robinson, on the other hand, plays up the fact that anyone, even a dedicated cop, would be absolutely exhausted after all that.

Robinson does a good job as Clayton and it’s always fun to see Martin Kove play a villain on show like this.  This was a good episode.  Estrada, I assume, will be back on his bike next week.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.14 “Isaac’s Double Standard / One More Time / Chimpanzeeshines”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time for love and monkeys!

Episode 1.14 “Isaac’s Double Standard / One More Time / Chimpanzeeshines”

(Dir by James Sheldon and Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 14th, 1978)

This is a bit of an odd episode.

It’s odd because it features yet another stowaway.  Somehow various characters were always managing to stow away on the boat.  This week, the stowaway was a chimpanzee.  How did a chimpanzee get on the boat?  Gopher brought her on.  Apparently, Gopher was under the impression that he had the week off so he agreed to look after a friend’s chimpanzee.  Then he discover that he actually was working that week so he decided that it would be a good idea to smuggle the chimpanzee onto the boat.  Of course, it doesn’t take long for Isaac and Julie to discover that Gopher has a chimpanzee in his cabin.  Neither one of them appears to be surprised that Gopher has a friend who owns a chimpanzee.  Me, I would want more information on whether or not Gopher’s friend worked for a circus or a zoo or a research lab.  I mean, most people just don’t own chimpanzees as pets.  Instead, everyone just accepts that Gopher is living with a monkey and that it is now their duty to keep Captain Stubing from finding out.

Of course, the chimpanzee gets loose.  She runs around the ship, stealing food and clothes and surprising passengers.  Fortunately, she’s a well-trained chimpanzee and she doesn’t try to kill anyone.  In real life, Chimpanzees are known for being extremely dangerous and unpredictable.  On shows like this, they’re adorable! 

While looking for the chimp, Gopher meets and has a romance with Anne Parker (Kim Lankford), who has just had a nose job.  She’s insecure about her new nose.  Everyone assures her that her new nose looks great.  And it does!  As someone who spent most of her teen years planning on getting a nose job, I was really impressed with it.  (For the record, I still have my original nose and I now realize I wouldn’t change it for the world.)

While Gopher is dealing with the chimp, Isaac is freaking out because his mother (Pearl Bailey) is on the ship with her new boyfriend (Arthur Adams) and they’re sharing a cabin!  Isaac is being a little bit hypocritical because he happens to be sharing a cabin with his girlfriend, Charlene (Tracy Reed).  Isaac finally realizes he’s not being fair and he accepts the fact that his mother is having sex at his workplace.  So, it all works out.

Meanwhile, in our third storyline, Nanentte Fabray is a singer who is hired to provide the cruise’s entertainment.  She’s upset to discover that her pianist (Don Adams) is also her ex-partner.  Don’t worry, they get back together by the end of the cruise.  Of course, everyone’s too busy looking for the chimpanzee to notice.

This was not a terrible episode, just an odd one.  The Nanette Fabray/Don Adams storyline was pretty forgettable and, though it’s always cool when Ted Lange actually gets to do something other than make drinks, Isaac’s family situation played out predictably.  What made this episode stand out, for better or worse, was all the business with the chimpanzee.  How Gopher kept his job after that, I have no idea.  Chimpanzees have been known to kill people if they get stressed out and being dragged onto a cruise ship by a stranger seems like it would be a stressful situation.  Still, after all that, Gopher kept his job.  I’m beginning to think that Captain Stubing might not be the disciplinarian that the crew things he is.

Next week, we’ve got more love but hopefully less monkeys.