Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.20 “What’s The Matter With Kids/Island of Horror”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, it’s zombie time!

Episode 6.20 “What’s The Matter With Kids/Island of Horror”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on April 16th, 1983)

Dr. Stuart Wharton (Steve Allen) is a tightass stick-in-the-mud who has come to Fantasy Island to give a lecture on how to raise the perfect child.  His wife, Margaret (Jayne Meadows Allen), is sick of Dr. Wharton telling people how to live their lives and basically threatens to leave his condescending ass if he doesn’t allow her to adopt Andy (Justin Henry), who is not perfect but who is still better than any of the imaginary perfect children that Dr. Wharton has written and lectured about.  This fantasy was predictable and kind of boring.  Jayne Meadows Allen actually wrote the script so it’s interesting that the whole fantasy is basically her telling off her husband and accusing him of being a pompous jackass.

There is one interesting scene where Mr. Roarke talks about Stuart’s idea of the perfect child and the kid suddenly appears out of thin air.  Mr. Roarke also makes the kid disappear.  Mr. Roarke is all-powerful!

(So, you may be wondering, why Roarke doesn’t just use his God-like powers in every episode?  I think he wants his guests to sometimes lean a lesson on their own.  I always hate it when people try to make me learn something.  Sorry, Roarke.)

Meanwhile Erica Nelson (Gayle Hunnicutt) goes to a neighboring island in search of her missing fiancé, Dr. Richard Yates (Christopher Connelly).  Uh-oh!  The Island’s controlled by a mad scientist named Dr. Christophe (Jared Martin)!  And Dr. Christophe is into voodoo!

That’s right, there are zombies all over the place!  And one of the zombies is Erica’s husband!  Fortunately, it turns out that zombification is not a permanent condition and Erica is eventually able to cure her husband while the remaining zombies descend upon Dr. Christophe.

I liked this fantasy.  The island was atmospheric and, by Fantasy Island standards, the zombies were actually pretty effective.  The scene of them rising from their graves was surprisingly well-done and I also appreciated that Jared Martin totally embraced the melodrama in the role of Dr. Christophe.  This fantasy also featured a great moment where Roarke appeared on the Island to inform Erica that the zombies were coming and then he promptly vanished.  I love it when Roarke does that

(Of course, I don’t think that Erica was ever in any real danger.  I mean, this episode established that Roarke can conjure people out of thin air.  I’m sure he could have just snapped his fingers and made all the zombies vanish.  But, in typical Roarke fashion, he wanted Erica to learn a lesson.)

The orphan fantasy was annoying but I like zombies!  This was a good trip to the Island.

The Hong Kong Film Corner – WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU (1980), directed by Tsui Hark! 

Posted on by Bradley Crain

WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU (1980) is the story of Agent 999 (Norman Chu), an agent of the Central Surveillance Agency, who has come to a remote island to catch a notorious criminal who goes by the name of Rolex (Melvin Wong). Once he gets there, he discovers that the island is overrun by crazed cannibals and is ruled over with an iron fist by a power mad Chief (Eddy Ko). Chief hoards the human meat of unsuspecting travelers who happen upon the island for himself and his soldiers, leaving the villagers at the point of starvation. As Agent 999 continues his investigation and tries to avoid becoming lunch, he finds out that the repentant criminal Rolex has become the Chief’s aid in order to expose the evils of the island to the authorities on the mainland without having to go back to jail himself. When Rolex’s plans don’t work out, Agent 999 must then team up with a goofy thief (Hon Kwok-Choi) to fight off the cannibals, save his newfound love (Michelle Kim), and get the hell off of the island in one piece!

The second film to be directed by Hong Kong icon Tsui Hark, WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU is a wild hybrid of a film that leans heavily into horror, comedy and martial arts. It’s a rather odd mix that contains jarring shifts in tone, a staple of Hong Kong Cinema of the 80’s. One minute we’re watching men have their arms cut off and their guts ripped out, only to immediately shift to slapstick rape humor, before shifting to badass martial arts / roller skating kung fu action choreographed by a young Corey Yuen. Completely unpolished in terms of production values, it’s nonetheless acquired somewhat of a cult classic status due to its raw energy, gory subject matter, directorial pedigree, and anti-communist political themes. I thought Norman Chu was good as Agent 999, even if his charismatic agent isn’t always as observant as we’d hope he’d be. Eddy Ko, who is in one of my favorite Hong Kong films THE MISSION (1999), can be both menacing and goofy as the Chief who will pretty much do anything to preserve his power and supply of meat. The island village puts off its own scary vibes with its creepy slaughterhouse and masked cannibals, always at the ready to hack off a body part. It all adds up to a rather unique viewing experience. 

While WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU is certainly not for everyone due to its subject matter, those who appreciate the frenetic action of Hong Kong cinema will enjoy this film. It will also fit the bill for those who like kung fu action mashups served with sides of gory gore and silly giggles. Just don’t expect it to have the polished look of Hark’s later films such as PEKING OPERA BLUES (1986) and ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA (1991). 

Song of the Day: The Pine-Tarred Bat or the Ballad of George Brett by Red River Dave McEnery

Posted on by Dazzling Erin

Today’s song of the day is based on an actual incident.

In 1983, The Royals and the Yankees were playing in Yankee Stadium.  At the top of the Ninth Inning, the score was 4-3, Yankees.  With two outs, the Royals’ George Brett hit a two-run home run to give his team the lead.  However, Yankees manager Billy Martin protested that Brett had too much pine tar on his bat.  When the umpires demanded to see the bat, Royals pitcher Gaylord Perry gave the bat to a batboy and told him to hide it.  When they finally did manage to find the bat, the umpires agreed with Martin, nullifying the homerun and calling Brett out.  Because Brett was the third out, this gave the Yankees the victory.  An understandably angry Brett attempted to confront umpire Tim McClelland about the ruling but was physically restrained by his teammates.

The Royals protested the game and the American League President, Lee MacPhail, upheld their protest, saying that pine tar did not give a batter an unfair advantage.  25 days later, the Yankee and the Royals met and resumed the game in a nearly deserted stadium.  The Royals won 5-4.  As for the bat itself, it now resides in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

The Pine Tar Incident inspired today’s song of the day, The Pine-Tarred Bat or The Ballad of George Brett, written and performed by “Red River” Dave McEnery.

A Scene That I Love: Robocop Comes Home

Posted on by Dazzling Erin

Today is the birthday of Peter Weller, the actor best-known for playing the original Robocop in 1987.  Robocop is best-known for being violent and satirical but it also features one of the saddest scenes that I’ve ever seen.

Trying to piece together who he was before he was rebuilt, Robocop visits his former home and has flashbacks to his past life as Officer Murphy.  The house is empty now but the flashbacks show that it was once full of life.  Even with only half of his face visible, Weller shows Murphy’s loneliness as he walks around the house that he once called home.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Visions of the Future

Posted on by Dazzling Erin

4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Who can see the future?

4 Shots From 4 Futuristic Films

Metropolis (1927, Dir. by Fritz Lang)

The Terminator (1984, Dir. by James Cameron)

Star Trek (2009, Dir. by JJ Abrams)

Prometheus (2012, Dir by Ridley Scott)

Music Video Of The Day: Somewhere Over Lardeo by Lainey Wilson (2025, Dir. by TK McKamey)

Posted on by Dazzling Erin

Lainey Wilson may be heading out west to Southern California in this video but her heart, her mind, and her imagination still rest with that one rodeo rider in Laredo.  The song’s a short story and the video is a visually stunning interpretation of love and regret.

I liked this video.

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.24 “Dynamite Alley”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, season 3 comes to an end.

Episode 3.24 “Dynamite Alley”

(Dir by Bruce Kessler, originally aired on March 30th, 1980)

After testifying in a trial in Bakersfield, Bonnie (Randi Oakes) is driving back to Los Angeles when, somehow, she ends up flipping her squad car.  In the hospital, Bonnie swears that she had to swerve suddenly to avoid a truck that came out of nowhere.  The only witness to Bonnie’s accident is a pre-adolescent named Corey (Bryan Scott), who was watching as Bonnie drove by his house.  Corey says that he saw the truck but Ponch and Jon come to suspect that he might be lying because he doesn’t want Bonnie to get in trouble.  Meanwhile, Grossman is writing an article on how tired drivers can hallucinate seeing other vehicles and he comes to suspect that this is what happened to Bonnie.

And he’s right!  It’s interesting that, just last season, CHiPs did an entire episode about proving that Sindy Cahill was not responsible for a crash she was involved with.  Meanwhile, this season ends with an episode that’s all about Bonnie being a menace on the streets.  Of course, event though Bonnie flipped her car after imagining seeing a truck in front of her, she gets to keep her job and everyone has a good laugh about it.

My main issue with this episode is that Corey was 1) portrayed as having a stutter and 2) nicknamed Blabbermouth by everyone he knew, even the characters who were supposed to be sympathetic to him.  When he showed up in the hospital to confess that he didn’t really see a truck push Bonnie off the road, Bonnie replies, “Oh, Blabbermouth.”  Even Jon and Ponch call him Blabbermouth.  As a former stutterer, this episode really annoyed me.

As for our B-plot, the “funny car show” is in town.  All sorts of weird vehicles show up on the streets.  One man tries to drive a tank to the show and people start throwing bottles at him.  When Baker and Ponch show up to investigate the tank, Baker nearly gets hit by a glass bottle that’s thrown at him by two kids.  Ponch grabs one of the kids but then just laughs and lets him leave.  Really, Ponch?  BAKER COULD HAVE LOST AN EYE!

And that’s how the third season ended, with Bonnie crashing her squad car because she had a hallucination and a poor kid with a stutter being called “Blabbermouth” by the police.  That’s not the best way to end a season.

Season 4 starts next week!

Brad’s Musical Number of the Day – Gerard Butler sings “The Music of the Night” from THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (2004)!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

I’m a big fan of Gerard Butler, mainly because of his macho performances in action films and thrillers. I also appreciate his ability to sing. I remember being surprised and impressed with his performance in Joel Schumacher’s version of THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. I really enjoy the song “The Music of the Night,” and since I reviewed one of his thrillers today (SHATTERED), I thought I’d balance it out with a video of him belting out a tune. Enjoy!

Ricky Nelson: Original Teen Idol (1999, directed by Sturla Gunnarsson)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

It’s a story as old as time.

Ricky Nelson (Greogry Calpakis) is a star on his parents’s TV show but what he really wants to be is a rock and roll singer.  Ozzie (Jamey Sheridan) and Harriet Nelson (Sara Botsford) don’t know much about the strange rock and roll music but they do know that girls love it when Ricky plays the guitar and sings.  Ricky becomes a star and a teen idol but chafes at his parents’s attempts to control his music and his image.

This is another one of those behind-the-scenes entertainment biopics that were all the rage of television for a while.  This one was made for VH-1 instead of the any of the major networks and, as a result, it’s a little bit explicit in its depiction of Ricky’s sex life and his later drug use.  Ricky goes from being a teen idol to being a long-haired proto-hippie, getting booed by all the squares who only want to hear the oldies.  Not surprisingly, it’s a pretty shallow movie.  Ricky is played by Gregory Calpakis, who appears to be the same age of Jamey Sheridan, who plays his father.

Movies like this will never go out of style.  It’s inevitable that eventually, there will be biopics of Cobain, Bradley Nowell, Mac Miller, and all the rest.  They’ll be AI-generated which will make them seem even worse.

Again, a story as old as time.