The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: Haunt (dir by Scott Beck and Bryan Woods)


I just watched the 2019 haunted house/slasher hybrid Haunt on Shudder TV’s The Last Drive-In.

Joe Bob Briggs, who hosts The Last Drive-In and who is, as we all know, one of the patron saints of grindhouse movie lovers, gave Haunt a rating of 4 stars and said to check it out.  Having watched the film, I think Joe Bob was being a bit generous in his assessment.  Personally, I would have given it two and a half stars or maybe, depending on my mood, three.  It’s an undeniably effective film but it’s also a bit on the predictable side.

A group of students meet up at a Halloween party and end up going to a haunted house together.  The haunted house is kind of in the middle of nowhere.  It’s populated by oddly quiet people wearing creepy masks.  There’s a clown.  There’s a devil, who we earlier saw stalking one of the students at the party.  There’s a ghost.  Before anyone is allowed to enter the house, everyone is required to sign a liability waiver and to give up their cell phone.  It’s pretty obvious from the start that anyone who enters the haunted house is going to be stalked and killed by the people in the masks but our partygoers enter the house anyway.  Blood flows and mayhem follows.

As I said, it’s effectively done.  The haunted house is a wonderful location and the masked killers all look properly creepy.  You have to kind of wonder if the killers couldn’t have come up with a simpler way to capture and take out their victims but then again, homicidal psychopaths are pretty much going to do whatever they want.  I mean, are you going to be the one to tell a guy wearing a devil mask and carrying a pitchfork that his ideas don’t make any sense?  You never disagree with a devil holding a pitchfork.  That’s just common sense.  If a devil with a pitchfork tells you that you’re going to travel around Illinois, setting up haunted houses …. well, you don’t argue with him.  Instead, you hop on the next plane to Chicago and you make a deal with the Mafia to keep you supplied with pumpkins.

But, at the same time, Haunt never really took me by surprise.  None of the victims were particularly interesting and, once you got beyond the fact that they were wearing creepy masks and that they all had a messed up backstory, there wasn’t really anything that special about the killers either.  The real star of the film was the haunted house, which was imaginatively designed and full of ominous atmosphere.  I especially liked the escape room, where all of the notes had to held up to a mirror in order to be read.  There’s something under the bed indeed!

Haunt is good enough to serve as a part of your Halloween film buffet but it definitely shouldn’t be the only option on the menu.  It’s effectively creepy but it doesn’t stick with you the way that the best horror films do.  If the best horror movies are like a nightmare that you simply cannot forget, Haunt is more like an amusement par ride.  It’s fun while it lasts but, by the time it’s over, your mind has already moved onto the next attraction.

Cinemax Friday: Witchcraft 14: Angel of Death (2016, directed by David Palmeiri)


Eight years since his last appearance, warlock-turned-attorney Will Spanner is back!

A record eight years passed between the release of Witchcraft 13 and this installment, enough time for the franchise to go from being a cheap joke to something that people looked back on with nostalgia.  All of the your old favorites are back, with the exception of Kelly.  This time, Berna Roberts plays Lutz and Leroy Castanon plays Garner.  Will is played by Ryan Cleary, who has apparently not only come to terms with his warlock heritage but who is also now wearing guyliner.

There’s a series of deaths in Los Angeles, all involving people who know and who have displeased Rose (Molly Daughtery).  Rose is a witch but doesn’t realize it.  When she discovers that her boyfriend is cheating on her, she gets so angry that her powers destroy not only her boyfriend but also the woman that he was cheating with.  With people dying around her, Rose is starting to catch on that she might be a witch and she’s concerned about it.  Samuel (Jeremy Sykes) is the nefarious owner of a yoga studio who wants to use Rose’s powers for his own evil ends.  He sends a coven of witches to recruit her.  It’s all a part of another stupidly complex ritual, this one designed to release the Angel of Death from Hell.  As usual, it falls to Will to prevent the ritual.

Despite the eight year gap between the last chapter and Witchcraft 14, not much has changed as far as the Witchcraft movies are concerned.  The special effects are cheap, the nudity is frequent, and the plot has so many holes that the Angel of Death could probably just slip through one of them and save Samuel a lot of trouble.  The main thing that Witchcraft 14 does have going for it is that it’s more intentionally comedic than some of the previous Witchcraft films.  Samuel may be a Satanist but he and his yoga-based coven are also the epitome of almost every cliché about spacey Californians.  Roberts and Castanon also have good comedic timing as Lutz and Garner. As for Ryan Cleary, he sleepwalks through the role of Will but Lutz and Garner actually get more screen time than he does.

Despite the 8-year gap between installments, Witchcraft 14 is a typical Witchcraft film, just with more intentional laughs.  Those who have nostalgia for the series will probably enjoy it.  Everyone else will just wonder how they could have possible made 16 of these films.

International Horror Film Review: Angst (dir by Gerald Kargl)


The 1983 German film, Angst, is one of the most disturbing films that I’ve ever seen.  It tells a thoroughly unpleasant story about a man who is truly worthy of hate and yet it’s so well-made that, once it starts, it’s nearly impossible to look away, even though you may want to.

Erwin Leder plays the role of K., a young man who, when we first see him, is shooting a random elderly woman.  K. is arrested for that crime and, over a series a still photographs, we listen as a dispassionate voice-over fills us in on the details of K.’s life.  Like a lot of serial killers, K. was not wanted by his parents.  He was abused by his mother, his grandmother, and everyone else that he met in life.  He spent years in and out of prison.  Though he claimed that he shot the elderly woman on impulse and that he didn’t really know what drove him to the act, the authorities still decide that the murder was a robbery gone wrong.  K. goes to prison for ten years and, we’re told, he’s a model prisoner.

Eventually, K. takes over the narration.  He tells us that he’s spent ten years pretending to be reformed, fantasizing about the moment that he’s released and once again free to kill.  When K. finally is released from prison, no one is there to meet him.  He has no family or friends.  A trip to a diner, in which he’s eyed suspiciously by everyone as he rather animalistically eats a sausage, leaves him even more determined to find people to kill.  After an unsuccessful attempt to strangle a taxi driver, K. comes across a secluded house.  The house is owned by a woman and her two adult children, one of whom is disabled.  K. breaks into the house and …. well, things go to Hell.

As I said, Angst is not a pleasant film to watch.  How hateful is K?  Listen, I’m against the death penalty.  I’ve signed petitions opposing the death penalty.  I believe that when we celebrate the death of even the worst people, we sacrifice a bit of our soul.  That said, if Angst ended with K. going to the electric chair or being shot in the back of the head by some anonymous execution, I wouldn’t have shed a tear.  What makes K. such a terrifying monster is that he’s a very real threat.  He’s not some sort of paranormal creature.  He doesn’t have any supernatural powers nor is he motivated by some sort of esoteric belief.  Instead, he’s a man with a traumatic childhood and an unending obsession with killing.  The film offers us no easy escape when it comes to considering K. and his actions.  We can’t just shrug him off as just being another horror movie villain.  Instead, he’s the type of person who is probably walking the streets right now.  Angst left me wondering if I’ve ever walked past a murderer without even realizing it.

Angst is a well-made film.  In fact, there are times when you kind of resent how well-made it is.  If it was just some cheap serial killer flick with fake blood and a boom mic occasionally slipping into view, it would be a lot easier to dismiss the film.  Instead, the film plays out almost like a documentary.  Whether he’s leaving the prison or staring at a potential victim or running around the house, the camera often holds K. in a tight close-up, forcing us to watch as the madness plays across his face.  Later, when K. is attempting to steal a car, the camera views him from above, putting us in the position of a deity who is looking down upon K. and his actions and perhaps wondering how the world could have gone so wrong.

Angst is an antidote to all those films that portray serial killers as being witty and clever antiheroes.  There’s nothing particularly witty or clever about K.  When he succeeds at his crimes, it’s not due to him being particularly smart or coming up with an elaborate plan.  It’s just that most people are in denial about the existence of men like K.  He uses that to his advantage.

Angst is somewhat legendary for having been banned in a number of countries when it was first released.  It is a totally disturbing film and I don’t necessarily recommend it to the easily triggered.  That said, it’s also a remarkably well-made film.  For better or worse, it sticks with you.

Horror Film Review: A Nightmare on Elm Street (Samuel Bayer)


“Hey, you guys!  The 2010 remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street is on TV!”

“Alright!  I NEVER MISS A ROONEY MARA HORROR MOVIE!”

Indeed, way back in 2010, there a lot of hype accompanying the release of the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.  It came out at a time when a lot of classic horror films were being rebooted for no particular reason.  Halloween got a reboot.  Friday the 13th got a reboot.  Texas Chainsaw Massacre has gotten a reboot.  So, it was just kind of expected that Nightmare on Elm Street would get a reboot, bringing the story into the modern age and making the story less problematic and blah bah blah.

And yet, for all the hype that accompanied the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot, it was pretty quickly forgotten.  If I remember correctly, it failed to live up to box office expectations and, as a result, there was never a sequel to this reboot.  Jackie Earle Haley never got a second chance to play Freddy Krueger and, to be honest, that’s probably for the best.  Haley’s a great actor who deserves better than to be typecast as the actor who played the second best version of Freddy Krueger.  No matter how good a performance Haley could have given in any of the hypothetical sequels to the Nightmare reboot, he would have been overshadowed by Robert Englund’s definitive interpretation of the character.

Today, the movie seems to be best remembered as one of the films that Rooney Mara made before she was cast in the title role of David Fincher’s rehash of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  Mara plays the role of Nancy, the sleep-deprived teenager whose friends are all having nightmares and dying in various grotesque ways.  In Nightmare on Elm Street, Rooney Mara is even more boring than usual but then again, the same can be said of just about everyone else in the movie, with the exception of Jackie Earle Haley and Clancy Brown.  The majority of the actors just go through the motions.  It’s as if they decided that, since they were appearing in a horror movie, they didn’t really have to make any sort of effort to do anything interesting with their characters.  One need only compare the performances of Heather Langenkamp and Rooney Mara to see why the original Nightmare On Elm Street remains a classic while the remake has been forgotten.

Of course, another reason why the reboot has been forgotten is because it’s not really that scary.  The original Nightmare is still scary.  The original can still give you nightmares.  Robert Englund’s performance still holds up.  The death of Tina is still terrifying.  The scene where Nancy looks at the gray streak in her hair and says that she looks like she’s in her 20s is still funny.  Nightmare on Elm Street still holds up.  The reboot, however, falls flat in the scares department.  I think part of the problem is that the dreams are too obvious in the reboot,  In the original, the waking world would segue so effortlessly into the dream world that you were always kept off-balance.  In the remake, the dreams are too easy to spot and they’re too dependent on CGI to be convincing as a actual nightmares.

The remake does do one interesting thing.  There are several scenes in the film that seem to be designed to hint that maybe, in life, Freddy was actually innocent of the crimes for which was accused and that he was just set on fire because he was a convenient scapegoat.  That’s an intriguing idea and it certainly would have brought a whole new dimension to Freddy and his quest for revenge.  Just imagine how much of a mind-screw the film would have been if it had been revealed that Freddy had actually been framed by one of the same adults who later set him on fire.  Unfortunately, after making you think that the movie might actually do something unexpected, the film then reveals that Freddy actually was guilty and the whole story becomes a bit less interesting.  Revealing that Freddy was just a somewhat slow handyman who was wrongly accused would have brought some subversive life to this film but this reboot has no interest in being subversive.

Ignore the remake.  Watch the original.

Horror on the Lens: Attack of the Crab Monsters (dir by Roger Corman)


For today’s horror on the lens, we have the 1957 science fiction film, Attack of the Crab Monsters!

About a month ago, I watched this film along with Patrick Smith and all of our friends in the late night movie gang.   To be honest, everyone else seemed to enjoy it a lot more than I did.  It was a fun little movie but … well, maybe I was just having a bad night.

Here’s why you should take 62 minutes out of your Saturday and watch Attack of the Crab Monsters on the Shattered Lens.  First off, it’s a Roger Corman film and anything directed by Roger Corman automatically needs to be watched.  Secondly, it’s about giant crabs that communicate through telepathy.  And when was the last time you saw that!?

(“Last night,” someone in the audience shouts, “as the sun went down over the crab-covered beaches of Denmark!”  I pretend not to hear.)

Anyway!  Here, for your viewing pleasure, is Attack of the Crab Monsters!

Witchcraft 13: Blood of the Chosen (2008, directed by Mel House)


Six years after the release of the last Witchcraft film, warlock-attorney Will Spanner is back for the 13th chapter in the Witchcraft saga.

This time, Will is played by Tim Wrobel, who gives a better-than-average performance as the conflicted warlock.  Wrobel actually seems to take the role and Will’s mixed feelings about being a warlock seriously and that’s definitely a step up from some of the other actors who have played the role.  In Blood of the Chosen, yet another cult of frequently nude female occultists is picking up and sacrificing men.  Most of their victims are somehow connected to Will.  It’s all because the cult wants Will to impregnate one of them so that their child will grow up to be the new Dark Lord who will bring Satan to Earth.  It’s yet another stupidly complicated ritual to overthrow the natural order.  Typical Witchcraft plot.

What sets Witchcraft 13 apart is that it is full of references to the previous Witchcraft films, as if the film was actually made in an attempt to iron out all of the dropped subplots and continuity errors that had piled up over the past 18 years.  Will mentions his ex-fiancée Kelly and how she couldn’t handle him being a warlock.  He talks about Detectives Garner and Lutz and finally clears up how Lutz went from being male in one film to female in another.  (It turns out that Lucy Lutz was the sister of the original Detective Lutz.)  He even mentions that he previously battled a temptress named Delores.  That was all the way back in the second movie!  One thing that Will does not clear up is why everyone forgot that he was dead in Witchcraft IX but it’s still better than nothing.

Witchcraft XIII clears up so many loose ends that it seems like it was designed to be the final chapter in the Witchcraft franchise.  It would not have been a bad one to go out on.  It’s better acted than the average Witchcraft movie, the story makes a little bit of sense, and Will finally seems to be ready to accept who he is.  That doesn’t mean that Witchcraft XIII is a great movie, of course.  It’s basically just something that someone shot on a camcorder for next to no money.  But as far as Witchcraft movies go, it’s one of the better ones.

For the longest time, this was the final chapter.  However, in 2016, three more Witchcraft films would finally be released.

Horror on the Lens: The Incredible Melting Man (dir by William Sachs)


Today’s horror on the lens is a science fiction/horror film from 1977!

In The Incredible Melting Man, the first manned spaceflight to Saturn does not go well.  Three astronauts went up but only one came down.  And that one astronaut is both kinda crazy and melting!  Seriously, it’s a big mess.

Apparently, one of the victims of the incredible melting man is played by director Jonathan Demme.  See if you can spot him!  It’ll be fun.

Enjoy!

Witchcraft XII: In The Lair of The Serpent (2002, directed by Brad Sykes)


Warlock-turned-attorney-turned investigator Will Spanner returns in this, the 12th Witchcraft film.

Now blandly played by a comedian named Chip James, Will may be back but the rest of the usual suspects are missing and, in fact, aren’t even mentioned in this film.  No Lutz.  No Garner.  No Kelli, despite the fact that Witchcraft XI ended with Will and Kelli finally getting engaged.  There’s was a two year gap between this film and the previous Witchcraft film and I guess a lot of could have happened during that time period.  In this Witchcraft, Will doesn’t say anything about being married and he ends up having sex with another woman so I’m going to guess that things didn’t work out with Will and Kelli.  Maybe Kelli finally got tired of every warlock on the west coast trying to abduct her during ever lunar eclipse.

Like so many of the Witchcraft films, In The Lair of the Serpent opens with someone picking up a beautiful woman outside of a nightclub.  This time, it’s Jeff Lawton (Bruce Blauer) who picks up Tisa (Monika Wild).  Tisa is a part of a cult of women who worship an ancient snake goddess.  Tisa and her fellow snake worshippers spend their time picking up men, seducing them, and then sacrificing them as a part of a complex ritual designed to bring the snake goddess into the world.  It’s good to see that Satan is not the only deity who demands that his followers engage in overly complex rituals before he’ll even think of meeting with them.

Jeff Lawton’s sister, Cindy (Janet Keijser), turns to Will to help solve the mystery of Jeff’s murder.  (Conveniently, Will is an old family friend.)  Since the last time we saw Will, he had apparently moved his legal practice to Seattle.  He returns to Long Beach for Jeff’s funeral and, convinced that the police don’t understand what they’re dealing with, he helps Cindy to investigate her brother’s death.  Will also hooks up with Cindy, a move that leaves those of us who have actually watched the other films in this stupid franchise wondering whether or not Kelly is up in Seattle, waiting for her husband to come back home.  It all leads to the usual magical battle between Will and the coven.

The special effects aren’t terrible, which is a step up from the previous Witchcraft films, and Janet Keijser is actually pretty good as Cindy.  Even the supernatural killer looks like a genuine otherworldly creature instead of someone wearing a rubber mask.  By the admittedly low standards of this franchise, Witchcraft XII almost feels like a real movie.  Almost!

By the time this one came around, the Witchcraft series was no longer as popular as it once was.  Softcore direct-to-video thrillers became less of a big deal as more and more people gained access to the Internet, which is a roundabout way of saying that Witchcraft‘s target audience no longer had to go the video store if they wanted to see a topless actress.  They could just search the web.  It would be six years before there was another chapter in the life of Will Spanner.

International Horror Film Review: The Hater (dir by Jan Komasa)


In this Polish film about the horrors of everyday life, Tomasz Giezma (Maciej Musiałowski) is a young sociopath who has just gotten kicked out of a law school for plagiarizing one of his papers.  Unfortunately, this means that Tomasz not only needs to find a new place to live but he also needs to find a way to make money.  Unlike many of his classmates, Tomasz does not come from a rich family.  In fact, his way through law school was being paid for by Zofia (Danuta Stenka) and Robert Krasucki (Jacek Koman).  The Krasuckis are a prominent and wealthy progressive family and they somewhat condescendingly viewed Tomasz as being a good deed.  They’re happy to pay his law school tuition but they certainly don’t want him in their house or anywhere near the daughter, Gabi (Vanessa Aleksander).

Though a chance meeting at a club, Tomasz is able to convince Beata Santorska (Agata Kulesza) to give him a job at Best Buzz Public Relations.  Despite the cheerful name, Best Buzz actually specializes in destroying online reputations.  Everyone from health food corporations to politicians hires Best Buzz to bring down their enemies.  Working at Best Buzz means access to hundreds of fake social media accounts, all of which can be used to wreck havoc.  Many of Best Buzz’s employees can’t handle the ruthless negativity necessary for their job.  Tomasz, however, thrives.

When the Krasuckis discover that Tomasz is no longer a student, they try to shut him out of their lives.  Feeling betrayed by them and especially by Gabi, Tomasz takes his anger out on the progressive politician, Pawel Rudnicki (Maciej Stuhr), whom the family is supporting in the Warsaw mayoral election.  Spending his days as a Rudnicki campaign aide and his nights spreading disinformation online, Tomasz schemes to destroy both Rudnicki and the Krasuckis.  When he comes across a nationalist vlogger (Adam Gradowski), Tomasz feels that he has found the perfect vehicle for his revenge.

Before saying anything else, I’m going to go ahead and acknowledge the obvious.  Yes, The Hater does have a similar feel and plot to Nightcrawler, right down to Tomasz eventually entering into a sexual relationship with his morally conflicted boss.  Both films focus on a hollow-eyed, pathological liar who uses the media to not only fuel his own fantasies of success but to also take revenge on those whom he feels have slighted him.  Whether that similarity is intentional or not, I don’t know.  And, in the end, it really doesn’t matter.  Similarities aside, both Nightcrawler and The Hater work as both horror and social commentary because they are very much rooted in the real world.   Both films are about humanity’s thirst for blood.  Nightcrawler was about the desire of audiences to watch people suffer.  The Hater is about the online desire to be a part of the largely anonymous mob that does the destroying.

(To me, there is no more disturbing phrase than “Twitter, do you thing!” because that thing is almost inevitably linked to destroying a stranger.  That destruction has become social media’s “thing” should scare the Hell out of anyone.)

The Hater is a powerful film.  Interestingly enough, there are no easy heroes to be found in the film.  The Krasuckis are the type of wealthy liberals who combine self-righteous indignation with a total lack of self-awareness.  Claiming to be concerned with the underpriveleged while, at the same time, treating the ones that they actually meet with vapid condescension, the Krasuckis are difficult to sympathize with.  Even the genuinely well-meaning mayoral candidate often seems to be almost impossibly naive.  Interestingly enough, one of the few characters to show any genuine empathy for someone other than himself is the incel vlogger who Tomasz manipulates into doing his dirty work.  Whatever other flaws the vlogger has, he genuinely cares about his grandmother.  One of the more interesting scenes in the film finds Tomasz trying to get out of an awkward situation by mimicking the vlogger’s emotions.  In the end, Tomasz is good at mimicking human behavior but the emptiness of his soul is readily apparent.

In the end, for all the talk about politics in the film, Tomasz has no idealogical motivations.  Instead, he’s simply driven by a need to destroy.  He’s a monster but he’s a realistic monster, which makes him the most frightening type of monster of all.

Horror Film Review: Night of the Demons (dir by Kevin S. Tenney)


“Where are you going?  The party’s just begun.”

Sorry, Angela, the party kind of sucks.  Beyond the strange guest list — like seriously, why would any of these people be hanging out together — and the weird decision to hold it in the deserted old funeral home, there’s the fact that people are getting possessed and people are dying.  There’s a lot that I can tolerate from a party but once people start dying, it’s usually time to leave.

(Unless, of course, it’s a theme party.  I went to a Halloween murder party last year and I had a lot of fun watching as each guest was “killed off” until the eventual killer was revealed.  I drew a card telling me that I had been murdered in the master bathroom while stepping out of the shower so I ran upstairs, changed into a towel, and let out the loudest scream possible.  Now, that was a party!  That said, I can’t remember who the actual killer was so they’re still out there, probably breaking into your house at this very moment.)

As Jeff, Leonard, and I watched Night of the Demons last week as a part of the #ScarySocial live tweet, Jeff mentioned that this 1988 film had apparently been very popular on late night cable back in the day.  I could certainly see why, what with it’s combination of boobs, blood, and Linnea Quigley.  It’s about two outcasts — Angela (Amelia Kinkade) and Suzanne (Quigley) — who throw a Halloween party in a funeral parlor.  It’s a pretty boring party but it’s also an 80s party so we get to see some silly dancing before the spirits end up possessing Suzanne and Angela.  Angela does a wild dance.  Suzanne sticks a tube of lipstick into her breast.  I guess you can do that when you’re possessed by a demon.  That said, that scene still made cringe just because it made me think about all of the lipstick that I shoplifted when I was in high school and how much it would have upset to me to have gone to all that trouble just to have some possessed girl waste it by shoving it inside her boob.  One-by-one, the partiers die.  Soon, only good girl Judy (Cathy Podewell) and good guy Rodger (Alvin Alexis) are left alive but will they be able to figure out a way to escape the funeral home?  Not only do they have to climb a wall but they have to do it while dressed, respectively, like Alice in Wonderland and a pirate.  Good luck, kids!  You’re so fucking dead.

Anyway, Night of the Demons is pretty stupid but it’s a film that people have fun watching.  There’s none of the nuance that one found in Kevin Tenney’s other classic horror film, Witchboard.  Instead, this one is entertainingly over-the-top and enjoyably weird.  This is a film that was made for people who enjoy making snarky comments while watching horror movies.  As a result, it’s an ideal live tweet movie because it doesn’t require a lot of thought as much as it just requires a group of friends who are willing to validate your every comment by clicking the like button.  It’s not a particularly scary film but both Amelia Kinkade and Linnea Quigley deserve a lot of credit for throwing themselves into their roles and, at the very least, it’s got some dancing.  It’s a crowd pleaser and, I’ve recently been told, some people feel that’s the most important thing that a film can do.  Personally, being a film snob, I don’t quite agree with the assessment that it’s the most important thing but, still, one should probably never discount the importance of keeping the audience entertained.

The point is, I had fun with Night of the Demons.  Watch it with your friends.