Category Archives: Editorial

For Your Oscar Consideration

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s November and that means that we have now officially entered Oscar season.  For the next two months, movies specifically designed to win awards will be released in theaters across America.  Movies like Fair Game, The King’s Speech, True Grit, For Colored Girls, Another Year, and 127 Hours will be presented for “your consideration,” as they always put it in the Oscar ads.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to seeing quite a few of those films.  Fair Game looks like its going to be a bit of a pain (seriously, Sean Penn, it’s great you were right about Iraq and all but get over yourself)  and For Colored Girls seems like it’ll be one of those films that people are scared to admit disliking.  However, The King’s Speech looks like it might be a funny and sweet little movie and  127 Hours looks like it might be the film that proves that James Franco is a major hottie who could use and abuse me in any way he…uhmm, sorry, where was I?  Oh yeah — Oscar season!

The unfortunate thing about Oscar season is that often it seems that movies that were released before the end of the year are either totally forgotten or only given a few sympathy nods.  So, here’s my personal list of a few contenders that, though released pre-Oscar season, I think are just as deserving of consideration as Fair Game.

1) Best Picture — Exit Through The Gift Shop

People either love this film or they hate it.  I love it.  I think it’s a great mindfuck and, as of now, it’s my favorite film of 2010.  In a perfect world, it would not only be the first documentary to be nominated for best picture but the first one to win as well.  Unfortunately, the Mainstream hates having its mind fucked.  Which is why I say — Grindhouse Victory for Exit Through The Gift Shop!

2) Best Picture — Animal Kingdom

This grim yet compelling Australian crime thriller plays like an unromanticized version of The Town, which is probably why it will be no where to be seen once the nominations are announced.  Animal Kingdom also features award worthy work from actors Jacki Weaver, Ben Mendelsohn, Guy Pearce, and director David Michod.

3) Best Picture — Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Yes, it crashed and burned at the box office and it’s been the victim of an anti-Michael Cera backlash but Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World was one of the best and most original films of the summer.  If the best movies succeed by creating their own unique worlds, then Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World deserves to be recognized as one of the best.

4) Best Picture — Never Let Me Go

Mark Romanek’s low-key but affecting adaption of Kazou Ishiguro’s award-winning novel takes a familiar Sci-Fi plot — clones are raised in seclusion so that their organs can eventually be harvested — and turns it into a haunting meditation on life, death, love, and fate.  Carey Mulligan, who deserved the Oscar last year for An Education, holds the film together with quiet strength while Kiera Knightley and Andrew Garfield make the most of the more showy supporting roles.

5) Best Actor — Patrick Fabian, The Last Exorcism

Yes, Fabian will never be nominated because The Last Exorcism was a box office flop, a horror film, and it had an ending that generated a lot of negative word of mouth.  However, I believe that Fabian gave the best performance of the year (so far) in this film.  One reason why that over-the-top ending upset so many viewers was because Fabian had kept the film so grounded in reality that the sudden appearance of the supernatural almost felt like a betrayal.  Incidentally, I think that Fabian’s performance was meant to be an homage to former child evangelist Marjoe Gortner.  (And yes, I realize that’s like the 100th time I’ve casually mentioned Marjoe Gortner on this site.  It doesn’t mean anything.  Or does it?)

6) Best Actress — Noomi Rapace, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

The Mainstream has pretty much already declared Annette Bening to be the winner for her work in The Kids Are All Right but the Grindhouse knows that 2010 was the year of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

7) Best Actress — Katie Jarvis, Fish Tank

Fish Tank probably played too early in the year to be properly remembered by the Academy but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s one of the best films of the year.  Playing an angry but naive British teen, Katie Jarvis gives a fearlessly vulnerable performance.  Just consider the harrowing scene where, after kidnapping her older lover’s daughter, she realizes what a mistake she’s made.

8 ) Best Supporting Actor — John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone

While I hope Winter’s Bone, at the very least, receives nominations for best picture, best actress for Jennifer Lawrence, and a best director nod for Debra Granik, I fear that John Hawkes will be forgotten.  That’s a shame because Hawkes, arguably, gives the strongest performance in the film.  As Lawrence’s drug addicted uncle, Hawkes is both scary and heroic.  If Lawrence represents hope for the future, Hawkes epitomizes the doom of the present.

9) Best Supporting Actress — Chloe Grace Moretz, Kick-Ass

If Moretz is nominated, it’ll probably be for her performance in Let Me In.  However, good as she was in that film, I think her performance in Kick-Ass is even better.  Playing the controversial character of Hit-Girl, Moretz was the film’s foul-mouthed, borderline-psychotic heart.

10) Best Cinematography — Twelve

Yes, Twelve is a dire film that manages to turn a good book into a silly melodrama but the movie is gorgeous to look at.

11) Best Original Score — Machete

As performed by the band Chingon (which features the film’s director, Robert Rodriguez, on guitar), Machete’s score was much like the film itself: over-the-top, shameless, and a lot of fun.   In much the same way that Hans Zimmer’s score made you believe in the world of Inception, Machete’s score literally forces the viewer into the proper Grindhouse mindset.

12) Best Original Song — “Pimps Don’t Cry” from The Other Guys

Oh, why not?

13) Best Feature-Length Documentary — Best Worst Movie

A charming documentary about the making of that infamous film, Troll 2, Best Worst Movie is also a look at how a movie can be so amazingly bad that it eventually becomes a beloved classic.

14) Best Animated Feature — A Town Called Panic 

This surreal, French, stop-motion film only played for a week down here in Dallas and I nearly didn’t get to see it.  I’m glad I did because, seriously, this movie — oh my God.  The best description I’ve heard of it comes from Empire Magazine where it was referred to as being “Toy Story on absinthe.”  Of course, since apparently California can’t even handle legalized weed, it’s probably hoping too much that they’ll be willing to drink the absinthe.

As just a sidenote, isn’t the poster for A Town Called Panic just adorable?  I swear, just looking at it makes me feel happy.

The New Absolute Worst Freakin’ Commercial Of All Freakin’ Time

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Jeep people can breathe a sigh of relief because their little Marxist propaganda film is no longer the worst freakin’ commercial of all freakin’ time.  No, the title has been stolen by another.

As you watch this commercial, just remember that it’s an advertisement for Citibank that was made after the federal government bailed out them out.  So, if you’re an American citizens, chances are that you paid for this commercial.

Okay, there’s so much about this commercial that is just soooo wrong.  

The guy narrating the commercial has a truly annoying serial killer-style voice.  Seriously, he sounds like Dexter should be dumping his corpse over the side of a boat. 

The woman playing the mother is a terrible actress as evidenced by her notably “enthusiastic” reaction to whatever it is that she eats at the local “deli.” 

There’s also this whole idea of Turkey — which has one of the WORST human rights records on the planet — serving as some sort of 21st century version of post-World War I Paris.  It’s nice of Citibank to let us know that actually, there’s little difference between Istanbul and Queens. 

Also, don’t you just hate the faux casual way that their son is all like, “So, I just decided to send them their old seats from the stadium…”  I mean, get over yourself. 

But ultimately, this commercial fails for one big and obvious reason and there’s a very important lesson here.  This commercial’s failure is ultimately all about casting. 

We’re specifically given two bits of information in this commercial.  First off, we’re told that the narrator’s father has moved to Turkey because he was “transferred” there by whatever soulless corporation it is that he works for.  And we’re also told that his father celebrated his “30-year anniversary” in Turkey.  

And I guess that would all be good and well except for the fact that his father appears to be about 130 years old in the commercial.  Seriously, his company should be paying him a pension as opposed to sending him off to live in one of the most oppressive countries ever.  His wife only appears to be 120 but that still means that she was probably in her 90s when she gave birth to her smug little mass murderer of a son.  He owes her a lot more than just some nasty, germ-filled seats from “the old stadium.”

You know what would have made this commercial a lot more effective and enjoyable?  If the seats from the old stadium had arrived with a few dozen bags of hash taped to the back of them.   And then we could have watched that 130 year-old man try to smuggle them back to the United States just to then get caught right before boarding the flight back home.

Call it Citibank Express.

Lisa Marie’s 100th Post!!!!!!! (She’s really excited…)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi there and welcome to my 100th post here on Through the Shattered Lens! 

First off, the picture above is me in the role of Lillith and was created by my sister Erin after I told her about a dream I had in which I was a succubus.  The dream is probably best forgotten but I love the picture.

Anyway, I’ve spent a lot of time obsessing over what would be an appropriate subject for my 100th post.  I’ve always been very good at obsessing.  I’d say that it’s right up there with taking dictation when it comes to things I do well.  Unfortunately, Obsessing doesn’t always look good on a resume but such is life … okay, sorry.  Having an ADD moment.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, my 100th post.

I considered writing about how 2010 should properly be known as the Year of the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  I also thought about just using it as the latest installment of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Trailers.  And then I thought maybe I’d have a little fun with Arleigh by writing up a quickie review of the old school disaster film, Earthquake.  See, Arleigh lives off in San Francisco and I live in Texas and he’s kinda been all up in my face lately about how his team apparently beat my team in some sporting event and I was like, “Okay, I’ll just write a movie review about San Francisco getting destroyed in an orgy of cinematic mayhem.”  But then I thought some more and I realized I’d be kinda upset if California floated away with Arleigh on it. 

(Add to that, Earthquake doesn’t actually take place in San Francisco and oh my God, it is such a BORING movie!)

However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there really was only one thing that I truly wanted to do with my 100th post.

I just wanted to say thank you.

There are two things in my life that have betrayed me, never hurt me, and have never failed to bring me happiness: writing and watching movies.  This site has given me the opportunity to do both and for that I will always be so very grateful and appreciative.

For that, I say thank you to Arleigh for not only starting this site but also taking the risk of inviting me to come over and telling me to write about whatever I wanted.  I have to admit that I was nervous when I first posted 10 Reasons Why I Hated Avatar but Arleigh not only allowed me to do so but he actually allowed me to continue posting afterward.  That’s a lot of faith to put into someone you met on twitter and to him, I say thank you for giving me the opportunity and I hope I’ve come close to justifying your faith.

And I also have to say thank you to my fellow writers.  Necromoonyeti and Pantsukudasai56 have introduced me to new worlds of music and anime respectively while SenorGeekus’s undead series idea continues to haunt me. 

Most importantly, I have to thank those of you who have read my previous 99 posts.  I hope that you’ve found something to enjoy in at least a few of them.  And if you haven’t — well, go back and read them again.  I mean seriously — 100 posts.  Surely, I’ve said at least one clever thing somewhere in all of that.

So, regardless of whether you’re a fellow grindhouse/exploitation fan or a lover of Italian horror or a fellow Jean Rollin devotee or one of those people who keeps doing google searches for Lisa Marie Bowman boobs or just someone who stumbled across something I wrote by accident, thank you for reading.  I hope you enjoyed the first 100 and I hope the next 100 will be just as good.

Anyway, in closing, here’s a picture of me being all Black Swan-like.  Can’t wait until that movie comes out…

SF GIANTS ARE THE 2010 WORLD SERIES CHAMP!!!

Posted on by Arleigh

The drought is over!!

The San Francisco Giants are finally World Series Champions for the very first time since moving to San Francisco from New York. This has been a franchise which I call my very first sport’s love. I love the Niners. I love the Warriors. I love the Sharks. But in the end they’re all just mistresses with the Giants being my one true sport’s love.

This year’s team of rookies, cast-off veterans and just plain weirdos ended up being the perfect mixture to finally bring home the MLB World Series trophy to The City by the Bay. I give much respect to the Texas Rangers for giving the Giants all they can handle and even more. Giants fans should celebrate the team winning and give the Rangers their due. We’re Giants fans and not Phillies, Yankees or Red Sox fans so we tip our hats to the opposing team just as we celebrate our own.

The song by Queen and the lyrics in their song fits this Giants team to a T.

SF GIANTS ARE WORLD SERIES CHAMPS!!!!

Congrats to The Rangers

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

I don’t know a damn thing about baseball but I do know that the Rangers are going to the World Series and the Rangers are apparently from my hometown.  Oh, and the Ranger Josh Hamilton is apparently not the same guy as the actor Josh Hamilton.

Anyway, for now, I will also extend hearty congratulations to Arleigh because his team is apparently going to the World Series as well.  I learned today that apparently, San Francisco’s team is called the Giants and not the Phillies.  Apparently, the Phillies are actually Philadelphia’s team.  Actually, that makes a bit more sense.  I also found out that the Giants have a player with the exact same name as the former lead singer of the Beach Boys.

Anyway, congratulations to the Rangers (who I guess are now my team) and the Giants.  The song below is dedicated to both teams and to baseball fans everywhere…

Congrats to NLCS Champs SF GIANTS!!

Posted on by Arleigh

Short but sweet…Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants for winning the National League Pennant to move onto the Fall Classic aka The World Series to the bandwagoners.

This team has taken torture baseball (almost as painful as watching torture porn flicks) and brought it to a new level. The nation will now learn and discover The Beard, The Freak, The Boss, The Kung Fu Panda and The Rally Thong.

No matter what happens in the World Series this Giants team has been fun to watch even if it has brought me to having a coronary more than a few times this year. But as the song says…

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

The Regal Keystone Park 16, R.I.P.

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

 

Earlier this week, I discovered that, without warning, the Regal Keystone Park 16 had closed its door for good.

The Regal was not my favorite movie theater in the Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex.  That honor would have to be jointly awarded to the Dallas and Plano Angelikas.  In fact, if anything, the Regal was somewhat trashy.  It was located right off of Central Expressway (which meant that traffic both entering and leaving theater was insane) and it sat directly across the street from a free clinic.  Whenever I went to the Regal, I was always very much aware of the constantly patrolling police cars.  There always seemed to be something dramatic happening at the apartments across the street from the theater. 

Despite the police presence, I could always count on being accosted by one at least one homeless person.  Most of the time they would just ask for money though other times they just wanted to tell me about who was actually in charge of the world.  Most of the time, it seemed to be the Vatican.  I would smile politely and hope they were too busy ranting to notice the St. Vitus medal around my neck.

One of the few times I actually made the mistake of going to the Regal by myself, I was greeted in the parking lot by a bearded, foul-smelling man who was about a foot taller than me and who outweighed me by over a hundred pounds.  He started walking towards me as soon as I got out of my car and even though I quickened my pace, he quickly caught up to me.  Walking less than a couple of inches behind me, he loudly asked me if I liked to perform a certain sexual act.  He kept following me, asking me this all the way to the theater doors but he didn’t step inside the theater after me.  The whole time this was going on, the parking lot was filled with other filmgoers who heard what the man asked and saw how quickly I was walking away from him.  Not one of them said a word or, as far as I know, even called the police.  That’s the type of theater that the Regal was.

(Incidentally, I called the police as soon as I got inside the theater.  I’m not sure what happened exactly but the man wasn’t there when I left two hours later.  The movie I saw, by the way, was Lakeview Terrace, starring Samuel L. Jackson.)

Still, I’m going to miss going to the Regal.  For one thing, it was close to where I live now and it was close to where I lived previously.  So, even if it was by default, it was kind of my theater.  As trashy as the outside was, the inside was usually pretty clean.  Plus, I went enough times that I got to know — at least on a visual level — most of the people who worked there.  For instance, there was the elderly gentleman who — no matter what time of day I went to the Regal — always seemed to be working behind ticket table.  Usually, he’d end up giving us tickets to the wrong movie but he seemed like a nice old man and he always had a smile ready for me whenever he saw me stepping through the front doors.  I’m going to miss him.

No, the Regal wasn’t perfect but it’s a place where I spent a lot of hours and I’ve got a lot of memories of that place.  To an extent, I’m not surprised that it closed its doors.  It was, obviously, located in a terrible neighborhood and often times it did so little business that me and whoever I had come with would end up watching our movie in an empty theater.  That’s good for those of us who like to have sex while watching movies but, as a question of simple economics, it’s not a formula for success.  Still, I would have liked a chance to say goodbye.

On Friday, me and my sister Erin drove down to the old Regal, specifically to take some pictures for this little memorial.  Unfortunately, no sooner had Erin take a few pictures before we were confronted by some fat asshole in a golf cart who wanted to know why we were taking pictures. 

To be honest, I have issues with authority on a good day and Friday was not, at that point, a very good day.  So, as Erin put the lens cap back on her camera, I sensibly replied, “I really don’t think that’s any of your fucking business.”

“Some people take pictures because they want to case a place before they rob it,” Mr. Fascist-On-A-Golf-Cart replied.

At this point, Erin had unlocked her car and was attempting to lead me over to it.  However, as I retreated, I politely replied, “Your mother sucks cock in Hell, Karras.”

That shut the pig up.  I’m still wondering if he realized I was merely quoting The Exorcist or if he thought maybe I actually was possessed.

Anyway, the pictures in this post were all taken by Erin Nicole Bowman on Friday and I thank her for both helping me pay tribute to the Angelika and for keeping me out of jail.

Here, in alphabetical order, is as complete a list as possible of every film I saw at the Regal Keystone Park 16, starting with Iron Man on June 10th, 2008 and ending with Secretariat on October 12th, 2010.

Adventureland

The American

An American Carol

The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond

The Blind Side

The Book of Eli

Brothers

Burn After Reading

Changeling

Clash of the Titans

The Crazies

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

The Dark Knight

Despicable Me

Drag Me To Hell

Eat Pray Love

The Expendables

Everybody’s Fine

The Fantastic Mr. Fox

Funny People

Get Him To The Greek

Get Low

The Happening

How To Train Your Dragon

The Informant!

Inglorious Basterds

Invictus

Iron Man

Iron Man 2

Lakeview Terrace

The Last Exorcism

Legion

Let Me In

The Losers

The Lovely Bones

Machete

The Men Who Stare At Goats

Ninja Assassin

The Other Guys

Paranormal Activity

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Public Enemies

Resident Evil: Afterlife

Robin Hood

Salt

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Secretariat

Sherlock Holmes

Shutter Island

Splice

Star Trek

Taken

The Town

Toy Story 3

Tropic Thunder

Twelve

Up

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Wall-E

Watchmen

The Wolf Man

Zombieland

Regal Keystone Park 16, R.I.P.

Titanic In Retrospect

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Recently, I tried to rewatch an obscure art film from 1997 called Titanic.  From the time I was 12 until I was 16, I watched this movie a lot and, without fail, I cried and cried at the movie’s end.  (Admittedly, it was pretty easy to make me cry back then.)  I decided to rewatch it because I was curious as to whether or not Titanic could still make me cry. 

For those of you who aren’t into art films, here’s a quick synopsis and review of Titanic.

The film’s plot: Bill Paxton and an obnoxious fat guy are held hostage on a submarine by a senile old biddy who insists on telling them the story of how she lost her virginity 98 years ago.

Meanwhile, in London, Leonardo DiCaprio steals some poor kid’s sketch book and then sneaks onto a cruise ship where, pretending to be an artist, he seduces and murders lonely widows. 

Also on the cruise ship is Kate Winslet.  Kate’s engaged to Billy Zane but she’s unhappy about it because — well, there’s some men you fuck and there’s some men you marry and let’s just say that you don’t marry Billy Zane.  Once the boat sets sail, Kate decides to jump overboard.  However, just before she can jump, she’s spotted by Leo.  Leo quickly tosses a burlap sack containing the corpse of Lady Astor into the Atlantic and then rescues Kate.

Kate rewards him by taking him down to her cabin and showing him a painting by Someone Picasso.  (Early on in the film, Billy correctly says that Someone Picasso will never amount to anything and that’s true.  Someone was always overshadowed by his older brother Pablo.)  Leo looks at the painting and says, “Look at what he does with color here.”  As a former Art History major, that line made me smile.  That’s the type of statement that is regularly uttered by people who can’t think of anything else to say.  When a guy looks at a painting and says, “Look at what he does with color here,” what he’s actually saying is, “Look, babe, I went to the damn art museum with you so there better be a blow job in my immediate future.”

Leo has dinner with Billy and Kate.  Leo says, “I’m just a tumbleweed blowing in the wind.”  Over at the next table, a shifty young man named Bob Dylan overhears and thinks, “That would make a good song.  But the little man must die so nobody knows I stole that line from him…”

Anyway, Leo eventually slips Kate a rohypnol, convinces her to pose naked while he secretly tapes her for Youtube, and then proceeds  to have sex with her in the back seat of a car.  Afterward, Kate says, “Do you want to hang out tomorrow?”  Leo replies, “Uhmm…I might be busy.  I’ll call you.”  “My God,” I said as I watched all this, “it’s like reliving my freshman year of college all over again.”

Anyway, 8 more hours pass.  All the rich passengers on the ship do rich things while all the poor passengers get drunk and trash the lower levels of the boat.  Suddenly, without warning, the boat is besieged by the living dead.  Billy Zane insists that they would be safer in the basement.  Leo disagrees while Kate says, “So, you think you can just fuck me and leave!?  No way!”

12 more hours pass.  The living dead manage to rip a hole in the side of the boat.  Billy chases Leo and Kate around the Titanic as it sinks.  “I hope you’ll be very happy together!” he screams.  Meanwhile, up top, two rich guys put on tuxedos and one of them says something like, “We’re going to die like gentlemen.”  Which I guess is what they end up doing though, honestly, it sounds to me like the guy’s just being a smartass.

Eventually, Kate and Leo end up sitting on an iceberg together.  Kate wonders if this is a dream.  Leo proceeds to spin a top on the ice to find out.  Suddenly, Bob Dylan floats by in a rowboat.  “This machine kills fascists!” he shouts as he shoots Leo with a crossbow.  Leo sinks into the water.  Bob Dylan smirks.  “How does it feel to be on your own?” he asks.

The end.

A quick review: I guess the easiest way to review Titanic is to answer my original question.  Does the film still make me, at the age of 24, cry like it did when I was 12?  No, it does not.  To be honest, the only tears that I shed while rewatching Titanic were tears of shame and boredom.  This is the movie that I once thought was the greatest thing ever?  True, I was young and stupid but still…

On the plus side, Kate Winslet gives a good performance even if her character is basically just a sexist male fantasy.  Billy Zane is also a lot of fun as her jilted suitor.

On the negative side, there’s everything else.  The script — written by Someone Cameron — is full of laughably bad lines and plotwise, the film has all the depth of a lanced boil.  The romantic elements of the plot made me cry back when I was 12 because I didn’t have a whole lot of real world experience to compare Titanic’s fantasy against.  Now, at the age of 24, I’ve actually had to deal with my fair share of guys who say actually do make dumbfug statement about things like being a tumbleweed blowing in the wind (not to mention being king of the world).  I’m not saying that a good movie can’t present a romantic idealization of reality.  I’m just saying that a good movie can do that without insulting the viewer’s intelligence like Titanic does.

One last note — Leo DiCaprio has become a great actor.  But, in Titanic, he just comes across like a shrill poseur.

I Learned Something Today Conclusion: Just because you and a million others think that a movie is great today, that doesn’t mean that the movie’s going to be anywhere near as good 12 years later.  In this age of Avatar and the Social Network, that’s a lesson that I think many self-appointed film “gurus” would do well to consider before they throw a hissy fit just because a complete stranger on the Internet disagrees with them.

Avatar 2: Na’vi Holocaust

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Dear James Cameron,

Hi, my name is Lisa Marie Bowman and I hate just about every movie you’ve ever made.  Well, that’s not totally true.  First off, I haven’t seen every movie you’ve ever made.  And I have to admit that when I was 12, I would cry and cry whenever I saw Titanic.  So, let’s just say that I hate Avatar and I thought it was kinda fun to watch your ex-wife kick your ass at the Oscars earlier this year.

From my research, it appears that you take issue with people who disagree with you or who dare to suggest that you might not be the greatest filmmaker since DeMille.  So, let me just add that this letter is being written by me and me only.  When you send out your army of Orcs to punish the heretic at Through The Shattered Lens, they need only come for me.  I may think you’re just a cranky, old dumbfug toadsucker but that’s my opinion and mine alone.

See, here’s what Arleigh had to say about Avatar.

And here’s what I said.

See, good people can have differing opinions.  Unfortunately, just judging from some of your comments in the past, I don’t think you quite understand that.  Maybe that explains why, rather than defend your movie, you always seem to end up accusing your critics of supporting global warming and the war in Iraq.  Maybe that’s why the few Oscars that Avatar won were all accepted by balding little eunuchs who spent their whole acceptance speech praising your name as if they knew that if they didn’t, you’d end up going all psycho killer on them.

But I’m getting off topic.

This letter was inspired by the news that you’re apparently planning on setting the sequel to Avatar underwater.

Wow, that sounds really, really …. boring.

Listen, James, I’m going to help you out.  Here’s my plotline for Avatar 2, which, trust me, is a lot more interesting than anything you’re planning on doing.

The film opens on Earth.  As you explained in the first film, there “is no green” on Earth.  But there are television networks and there are documentary crews.  One of these networks has recently sent a group of young filmmakers to Pandora.  Their assignment?  To track down the Na’vi and to make a documentary about these “brutal savages” and their life on the green hell that is Pandora.

(Yes, James, this film is a prequel.  Perhaps you could have Jake’s brother getting murdered in the background of one of the opening New York City shots.)

However, a week after the documentary crew first arrived on Pandora, all contact with them has been lost.  The television networks hires a portly anthropology professor to go to Pandora and find out what has happened.  Before the professor leaves on his mission, he is informed that the documentarians frequently staged the very atrocities that their films are known for.

Our anthropology professor — let’s call him Nick, since I know you like to dumb things down — goes to Pandora.  With the help of a native guide, he manages to track down the Na’vi and win their trust.  Taken to the Na’vi village, he discovers that the remains of the documentary crew are hanging from the Soul Tree.  He realizes that they were captured and eaten by the Na’vi.  However, the Na’vi did not destroy any of the film crew’s cameras.  The footage of their final days in the jungles of Pandora has been preserved.  Nick steals the footage and manages to make it back to “civilization” even as hordes of angry Na’vi chase after him (not mention Sigourney Weaver who can do a cameo somewhere around here).

While all this is going on, the film will occasionally pause to show grainy stock footage of various jungle animals being killed in various sickening ways.

Nick returns to Earth with the film.  Sitting in a dark theater with the television executives, Nick views the footage.

Now, James, this is the tricky part.  The “found footage” will dominate the last 40 minutes of Avatar 2.  It’s important that the footage look so authentic that, for decades after, various dumbfugs will swear that they’re watching actual footage of actual people being eaten on camera.  So, you’re going to have to abandon the 3-D for this part of the film.  Instead, you’ll have to develop a multi-billion dollar process that will make the film look damaged.  I’m talking about random scratches, unsynchronized sound, solarization, the whole deal. 

As for the footage itself, this is what will make Avatar 2 special.  We’ll see how the documentary crew staged “reality.”  We’ll watch as they set a Na’Vi village on fire and how they arrogantly assumed that they’re superior to the natives.  Finally, however, the Na’Vi will strike back and, in the film’s final moment, we’ll watch as the documentarians are eaten by the Na’Vi while their own cameras silently record the massacre.

We’ll call it Avatar 2: Na’Vi Holocaust.

I think it could be a winner.

Love,

Lisa Marie

Satoshi Kon’s Final Blog Post

Posted on by Arleigh

The sudden passing of Satoshi Kon this past August 24, 2010 was a shock to anime and non-anime fans of his work. No better words were spoken to describe his contribution to the medium he so loved than one posted here last week.

I, myself, never realized that he was the one who had directed the very mature anime works I had seen and found to be on the level of any live-action production by such luminaries as Aronofsky, Nolan, Cronenberg and many other masters of their craft. The suddenness of his death has shocked the anime community and even almost a week since it happened his passing away and his legacy still the talk of the community.

His legacy is undisputable and will forever remind fans of anime just how much his talent will be missed. Satoshi Kon was able to leave behind one final document which has been posted in his blog posthumously by his loved ones. These last words from Satoshi Kon brings to light one man’s personal and intimate perspective on one’s mortality. It’s almost as if life was imitating art this time around. To try and describe any more of this man’s last words cannot be done as I lack the insight and grasp of the English language to give it the proper due.

Below is the link to Makiko Itoh’s site who was kind enough to translate Satoshi Kon’s final words.

SOURCE: Makiko Itoh’s Blog – Satoshi Kon’s last words