Category Archives: Alex Magana

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.18 “Sitting Duck/Sweet Suzi Swann”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Smiles, everyone!

Episode 5.18 “Sitting Duck/Sweet Suzi Swann”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 6th, 1982)

Once again, Julie is not involved in either of this week’s fantasies.  At the start of the episode, Roarke tells Tattoo that Julie has been trying to help a guest whose fantasy was to introduce “women’s lib” to cavemen.  A woman then runs by while being chased by a caveman.  Apparently, the fantasy did not go well.  I’m a bit worried that Julie might lose her job because none of the fantasies that she’s involved with ever seem to go well.

As for this week’s guests, Chuck Conners shows up as Frank Barton.  Barton is a big-game hunter.  He has hunted and conquered almost every type of animal.  Now, he wants to hunt the most dangerous animal of all …. okay, okay, you’ve heard all this before.  This is not the first time that Fantasy Island has looked to The Most Dangerous Game for inspiration.  However, this is the first time that the show has featured a hunter who specifically wants to stalk Mr. Roarke.

It’s a bit of an odd fantasy, though.  Frank doesn’t want to chase Mr. Roarke through the forest or anything like that.  Instead, Frank just wants to plant booby traps around the Island.  If Mr. Roarke survives 24 hours, he’ll be fee to set a few traps of his own.  Roarke agrees, explaining to Tattoo that, if Frank doesn’t come after him then he’ll go after someone else.  Roarke is doing the world a favor by distracting Frank.

Frank tries, he really does.  He tries poison.  He tries explosives.  Even though Mr. Roarke agrees not to use any of his “special powers,” he always manages to stay a step or two ahead of Frank.  Finally, Frank kidnaps Tattoo and that’s when Mr. Roarke says enough of this.  If you’ve ever wanted to see Mr. Roarke beat up a guest, this is the episode for you.  Frank ends up leaving the Island in the custody of two burly men who are apparently going to check him into a mental hospital.  Frank got his fantasy but it didn’t turn out well for him.  At least he wasn’t trying to reason with cavemen….

Meanwhile, Suzi Swann (Helen Reddy) comes to the Island with her boss, fashion designer Jack Becker (George Maharis).  Suzi is in love with Jack but Jack takes her for granted.  Suzi’s fantasy is to fall out of love with him and …. wait a minute!  Didn’t Helen Reddy sing “I am Woman?”  Why is the show wasting her time with this fantasy when they could have cast her as the guest who wanted to teach the cavemen about equality?  If they had done that, Julie could have worked with Helen Reddy and Roarke and Tattoo would have been free to concentrate on Frank and his homicidal fantasy!  I mean, I think it was a mistake to give Roarke two assistants for this season but if you’re going to have Julie around, at least let her take part in one of the main fantasies….

Oh well.  Let’s get back to the fantasy that actually did happen.

Roarke gives Suzi some magic gumdrops that were apparently made with special Fantasy Island berries.  The gumdrops make Suzi feel the opposite of whatever she previously felt.  She takes one and immediately announced that she doesn’t like either Roarke or Tattoo.  “You’re short!” Suzi says to Tattoo which …. ugh.  That’s a terrible line, considering that the show has previously always treated Tattoo’s height with a good deal of sensitivity.

Suzi is no longer in love with Jack and instead, she finds herself attracted to the mysterious Claude Duvalle (James Darren).  But the fact that she is no longer willing to be Jack’s doormat leads to Jack realizing that he failed to appreciate her.  Jack falls in love with Suzi and Suzi falls back in love with Jack.

As Suzi and Jack leave together, Tattoo suggests that Rorake failed to give Suzi her fantasy.  Roarke explains that Suzi fell out of love with the old Jack but then she fell in love with the new Jack so actually, he totally succeeded.  Uhm….whatever you say, Mr. Roarke.

Roarke then takes a magic gumball and tells Tattoo, “I don’t like you.”

AGCK!  But actually, the gumball makes its user for the opposite of what they actually feel so Mr. Roarke actually does like Tattoo!  Awwww!  I’m glad that’s cleared up.

I enjoyed this episode.  Much like last week’s episode it felt like a throwback to the first two seasons of Fantasy Island.  Neither fantasy really made much sense but both Roarke and Tattoo got to do a lot and that really made all the difference.  Fantasy Island always works best when Roarke and Tattoo are more than just bystanders.

Clowns, By Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

Clowns – nature’s murderers! Today, we’re going to discuss Clowns. Where do they come from? What is their life cycle? And of course, why are they even a F#@%ing thing?!!!

Feel encouraged to read this article in the voice of David Attenborough.

Clowns have a unique life-cycle.

They are always born in Vermont because they nest amongst the maple trees.

They begin as evil infants. At age 4, they get their first taste of human flesh, typically a kind neighbor who eats Pepperidge Farm cookies and has a spouse who makes way too many apple pies.

Then, they have their awkward teen years.

At this age, they’ve had their first kill and purchased at least one Bernie Sanders t-shirt and experimented with cannibalism or as they put it “Neo-Paleo” *groan*. They refer to the homeless as “Free Range” and Vegans are “Grass-fed”.

Clowns enter their Adult phase.

At this phase, they move to the suburbs for fatter, slower victims and, of course, better schools.

In their older years, they become solitary murderers and keep up on current events.

It is unknown to science why clowns are even a thing. I mean, we have tigers and things like that already and they’re scary enough. Is it really necessary to put makeup on a predator to be nightmare fuel at a kid’s party? I would vote no.

Happy Halloween and try not to be eaten by a clown.

“Okay Google”, Dir. Levi Morgan, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

His title card was terrible so I’m using the New York Yankees. Why not? We have a haunted house theme in this story where Google speaker is involved. Alexa’s evil twin. The main character is at his house, which I believe is probably Levi’s residence because his films always take place there. He ask google speaker to help him, but she has turned…..EVIL!!!
The main character asks to google to turn the light back on upstairs and he sees…… a shape. This is kinda scary. Google speaker puts on license free music on for mood; so, evil or not- she is protecting Levi’s shoestring budget. I give him credit for editing in music.

The character unplugs the device and it still talks. It’s a good trope. I don’t hate on that. There is a guy in his house who has a cloak on, which is definitely bad. The shape approaches him. He begs google to turn on the light, but instead she goes rogue and turns off the lights.

I meant to watch a horror comedy, but oops – it’s just horror. I actually might put this in the thriller category because there’s an artificial intelligence working in collusion with the evil shape- is that like a google prime option? I mean I’m not saying that we should pay for google to do evil, but I mean….a little evil? Nothing permanent- mild evil like crappy salsa that never satisfies.

I do admit that I feel bad for Levi Morgan because he hasn’t done anything since 2023 and he’s doing some normal job now. His films are good enough. Levi’s not Hitchcock, but he’s better than Alex Magana and that’s important. I hope he makes it a vibrant hobby. Levi is just not great at writing. His scene angle setups and cinematography is not bad. Levi can make a scene suspenseful and I think he would be a good director of photography. He does need a writer. God doesn’t give with both hands and I would encourage him to pursue a career as a Director of Photography and Directing. I’m not gonna crap on him. He’s has talent and should focus on cinematography.

The Life of Death, Short-Film Review (Dir. Marcin Dubinec) – Repost, but perfect for Horrorthon

Posted on by casewright

Death has been on my mind A LOT the past several months. I recently lost my Uncle and he was a lot closer to a Dad than what I was assigned. My uncle lived an authentic life and was OUT when it was not okay to be out, but in the words of the philosopher Bruce Springsteen- “Closets are for Hangers.” Sadly, he suffered a great deal, but he faced Death like a Man.

In this short, Death has a life- A really really really banal life. He acts out in school, gets drunk in college, marries, and gets run over by a car. Actually, how he died was the most interesting event that happened to Death.

I’m really trying to be nice here, but sometimes I just can’t. You might notice that I tagged Alex Magana; well, he makes terrible short films too and I feel like Alex should get a royalty when someone else spits out a crappy film. Apparently, Marcin won some awards for THIS??! So ugggghhh, I guess people like terrible things sometimes.

Where did the short go right? It had a beginning, middle, and an end. I can write that without a doubt that this was a film that was made. Also, this film had a script where words were written down. I can assume that real dollars were spent to make this…film, which is fine. I mean, well people can buy all sorts of things with cash. It should be noted that as a society we forbid people to spend money on certain things: murder/heroin; maybe, this could be considered to make that list…let’s not rule that out. He did murder my time and patience.

Where did it go wrong? It was boring. I really just did not care that Death had a boring life or that he had children. If anything, I thought it was tacky. I really didn’t find the writing really moving. I never cared about Death as a “Person”. I did Chuckle Out Loud COL once, but that’s it. You could say, Case, you’re down and grieving; of course, you’ll hate this, BUT I argue that this short-film is still crap and the filmmaker is not great and should do something else with his time. Decoupage? Extreme Couponing? Boxing? Whatever, just stop bothering us.

I once wrote that we could stop Alex Magana from making films – he can only be so strong and if we ganged up and brought a tall guy, we could taunt him by holding his camera up really high and make him futilely jump for it. There’s basically TWO Alex Magana’s now; so, we might have to bring more people into stopping them, but we can do this! Left, Right, Libertarian, or Vegetarian let’s stop them- TOGETHER!

“Ring Camera”, Short Film Review, (Dir. Alex Magana), Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

Happy Horrorthon, I suppose. Why am I hedging? I’m hedging because I’m reviewing an Alex Magana short. Yes, I’m watching this on purpose.

Ring camera begins with a woman in an apartment, I think the apartment is actually Alex’s residence.

At least, I hope it’s Alex’s apartment because it’s kind of a dump and I don’t think he should live in a very nice place. I’m not saying his apartment should be infested with Camel Spiders like this one:

Or 1,000 Camel Spiders that are like this breed:

This one looks feisty. I don’t want his apartment to have Camel Spiders like this one above because he makes terrible terrible art, but what about Cicadas…Cicadae? Anyway, they are pretty gross.
They don’t have teeth, but they’re annoying and terrible like his films. So, Cicadae…go forth and meet your new roomie!

Honestly Cicadae, he’ll probably cast you. How are you with terrible acting?

Back to my misery, the lady has a “Unfamiliar Face” on her ring camera. I wonder if he films these with his iPhone. The creeper approaches her apartment and starts knocking. She opens the door and it’s a delivery guy.
Ma’am, I’m not judging too hard, but that’s a large bag of food for one person. Look:

This is too much food. You should not eat your weight in food. Ma’am, the bag is half your size. Did you get fired? Is Alex making you do a 3 film deal? You can’t fill the pain Alex has created with Door Dash!
Then, she looks around and she gets killed by the evil ghost.
I know that watching this short will make you sad, but remember- maybe you’re not that good? I mean, how many good things have you actually done today? Maybe, you deserve this film more than you know? Maybe, this film will be like a Scared Straight and put you on a better path? Maybe, you just need the pain that this film provides- you weirdo! In any case, this film is for you. You know what you did!

“Fortunes of Doom” Dir. Julian Bachlow & Denman Hatch, Short Film Review, By Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

Happy Horrorthon! I couldn’t find any photos of the short on IMDB, BUT this is the production company. I am about to watch the film I really hope it’s not terrible! BRB!

It opens with a couple really making out like A LOT! They’re eating Chinese food and damn it looks great, but they’re eating it like grossly! FYI, the actress is a painter and a GOOD ONE. See and support her art here

https://www.instagram.com/montinaart/: “Fortunes of Doom” Dir. Julian Bachlow & Denman Hatch, Short Film Review, By Case Wright

They open their fortune cookies and they read “He Knows” “She Knows”. She stabs her lover with a fork and it’s gross.
She leaves the corpse and …. I’m not spoiling this. It’s chilling. MUST WATCH! This is a gem! 2 minutes and 50 Seconds of some brilliant art. This was chilling, paced well, and had a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Guys, this short got me by the proverbials! Excellent!

“Cookies” Short Film Review By Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

Hello Horrorthon readers! Here is another short film review because this is midterms season and I pressed for time, BUT I want to do right by my Glorious Leader – Lisa! I can’t write that I hated this. I must be getting soft. It’s really difficult to understand this particular short, but it began and ended.

A boy scout is selling Boy Scout cookies and a very aggressive woman wants to buy his cookies- if he comes inside her home. The boy runs away. It is a story. It turns out that she’s got man held captive and we don’t know why or care, but the story began, ended, and I laughed once. Considering how bad some shorts are- yes, I’m looking at you Alex – defiler of all physical laws – Magana, which I prove here:

https://unobtainium13.com/2022/10/12/smiling-woman-2-review-by-case-wright/: “Cookies” Short Film Review By Case Wright

Maybe this is all that I need or deserve? Maybe my life should be more simple? My life is subtracting now and I would give anything for addition, but I would need an interested lady for that and that’s hard to come by right now; so, I’m left with subtraction and this okay short……

“Purr-Normal” Dir.: Noah Randle, Short Film Review, by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

Happy Horrorthon! This could be a rough start. I would normally be really rough with a short like this, BUT he’s got <500 subs and he’s definitely young. So, I’m gonna play nice.

Noah hear me, I get that you have a love for film, especially weird esoteric film. Here is your MAIN PROBLEM: there is no real story here that is identifiable outside of your own description. A short film needs a beginning, middle, and an end. What makes short-films a special artform is that they create: story, character, and suspense in an instant. They can make you laugh, jump, or cry- if they are done with intentional care.
Other than the make up, there is no character here. It is unclear the lady’s motivation, fear, hope, or even psychosis. The cat is a stranger in the film and it just gets gory for its own sake at the end. I hope you cleaned up after filming and thanked your amazingly patient and lovely parents for letting you do this.

There is NO STORY here. You need a story. You need character. You need for us to care about your protagonist or this is just you messing around with a camera. It is good to have an interest in film, but it’s like you’re trying to fly an airplane before you’ve learned how to walk. Come up with a SIMPLE STORY and get it right; then, go all weird, but even then, you still need a story and character or NO ONE will care about your characters or what happens. I am not doing a plot summary for this because there isn’t one.

I don’t want to be too hard on Noah here, but he’s missing the point of this art. There’s short films on YouTube that are barely a minute long that establish: Story, Character, and Stakes. This is not that, but Noah MIGHT be able to get there if he tries again and starts EXTREMELY small and tells a small story well.

Skipped, Short Film Review by Case Wright, Dir & Written by Faisal Hashmi

Posted on by casewright

Hello Beautiful and Intelligent readers, how do I know you’re so smart and beautiful? You’re reading my stuff!!! You know what’s not good- This short film. Like chlamydia at a Senor Frogs in Cancun, this short will stick with you in the worst way! He writes in his bio that he’s an “award-winning independent filmmaker”, but who is in charge of these awards?! Is it like a certificate of participation? Did they owe Faisal Hashmi money? Did Faisal Hashmi see them commit a brutal crime? Sadly, he kept making “films” after this waste of his iPhone memory, on the bright side, his career didn’t take off because- ya know, he sucks at this!

There are a many ways that this short doesn’t even deserve to be used to clean the bathroom floor at Port Authority on a Friday night, but the two that stick out the most to me are that –

  1. The film makes no sense.
  2. It’s boring!

But Case come on, you always say these sci-fi things don’t make sense, well most of the time I’m right! However, to really pull this piece of trash apart like it deserves, I have to go over the terrible story! It’s like Faisal Hashmi is out to hurt me in every way! Did he give me COVID? Where were you Faisal, December 2020??

The story- an office worker has a boring job, but every time he sneezes he blacks out and all of his work is done; purportedly, he travels in time like my Aunt does after Natural Light and Ambien. This is where the story doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t remember the time he lost. He just moves forward. Let’s just skip over the fact that this sort of time travel is impossible without Ambien. Of course, he abuses this “gift” and eventually becomes old. This is not how special relativity works, but I guess looking things up on Wikipedia is TOO MUNDANE for Faisal!

This brings me to my second issue with this film: it’s boring. I understand that being good at anything is hard, right Faisal? Faisal Hashmi, you’re probably terrible at a lot of things- Film is really just the only one we have a digital record of to prove it. Maybe you also suck at volleyball, buying groceries, or tying your shoes? I can’t speak for those other things, but you’re rebuttably presumed to be awful at those things too, but I’ll just stick to this 4 minute and 26 second slice of hell!

Every plot point was so predictable and obvious, it felt as if a short film became a flip book crap version of “Goodnight, Moon”. I hate you Faisal! You, Marcin Dubinek, and Alex Magana are a cabal of terrible art! You create the unholy trinity of film. I even tagged the horror box for this post because that’s what your film is, but not intentionally! Faisal, stop what you’re doing! Try real estate or work for Ticketmaster!

I did provide a link to this unholy thing, if you feel like slowing your life down and embracing death’s touch.

Something Boring This Way Comes!!!!

You should check out my twitter “x” for my other tweets and work (@casewrites).

The Life of Death, Short-Film Review (Dir. Marcin Dubinec)

Posted on by casewright

Death has been on my mind A LOT the past several months. I recently lost my Uncle and he was a lot closer to a Dad than what I was assigned. My uncle lived an authentic life and was OUT when it was not okay to be out, but in the words of the philosopher Bruce Springsteen- “Closets are for Hangers.” Sadly, he suffered a great deal, but he faced Death like a Man.

In this short, Death has a life- A really really really banal life. He acts out in school, gets drunk in college, marries, and gets run over by a car. Actually, how he died was the most interesting event that happened to Death.

I’m really trying to be nice here, but sometimes I just can’t. You might notice that I tagged Alex Magana; well, he makes terrible short films too and I feel like Alex should get a royalty when someone else spits out a crappy film. Apparently, Marcin won some awards for THIS??! So ugggghhh, I guess people like terrible things sometimes.

Where did the short go right? It had a beginning, middle, and an end. I can write that without a doubt that this was a film that was made. Also, this film had a script where words were written down. I can assume that real dollars were spent to make this…film, which is fine. I mean, well people can buy all sorts of things with cash. It should be noted that as a society we forbid people to spend money on certain things: murder, heroin, but maybe this could be considered to make that list…let’s not rule that out. He did murder my time and patience.

Where did it go wrong? It was boring. I really just did not care that Death had a boring life or that he had children. If anything, I thought it was tacky. I really didn’t find the writing really moving. I never cared about Death as a “Person”. I did Chuckle Out Loud COL once, but that’s it. You could say, Case, you’re down and grieving; of course, you’ll hate this, BUT I argue that this short-film is still crap and the filmmaker is not great and should do something else with his time. Decoupage? Extreme Couponing? Boxing? Whatever, just stop bothering us.

I once wrote that we could stop Alex Magana from making films – he can only be so strong and if we ganged up and brought a tall guy, we could taunt him by holding his camera up really high and make him futilely jump for it. There’s basically TWO Alex Magana’s now; so, we might have to bring more people into stopping them, but we can do this! Left, Right, Libertarian, or Vegetarian let’s stop them- TOGETHER!