A Movie A Day #285: Bless The Child (2000, directed by Chuck Russell)

Posted on October 20, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Kim Basinger is Maggie, a nurse who has adopted her autistic niece, Cody. Her sister, Jenna (Angela Bettis), used to be a junkie but now she has cleaned up her act and married a former-child star-turned-cult leader, Eric Stark (Rufus Sewell). Because Jenna’s daughter has supernatural powers and Eric is a Satanist, they want the little girl back. Christina Ricci is Cheri, a junkie goth who used to be a member of the cult and who tries to warn Maggie before getting her head chopped off. Jimmy Smits is John Travis, the FBI agent who helps Maggie out when Jenna and Eric kidnap Cody. Mostly, though, he’s just Jimmy Smits, a TV actor who looks out of place whenever he appears in a movie.

Bless the Child was one of two movies that Kim Basinger made after winning an Oscar for L.A. Confidential. She also made I Dreamed Of Africa, which probably did the most damage to her career but the box office and critical failure of Bless The Child probably did not help either. Bless The Child was an overlong rip-off of The Omen films. The only suspense is whether Cody is the antichrist or the reborn messiah. Basinger and Jimmy Smits both look lost amid all the theological chaos raging around them. Even Christina Ricci is wasted in a role that could have been played by anyone willing to dye her hair black.

One final note: Rufus Sewell is not terrible in Bless The Child, even if the majority of his lines sound more appropriate for Darth Vader than a former child actor. (He even tells Maggie to feel the hate growing inside of her, like Vader trying to draw Luke over to the dark side.) Sewell is still a busy actor but it seems like he has never really gotten his due in Hollywood. Most of the good Rufus Sewell roles now seem to go to Jude Law.

A Movie A Day #284: Brainscan (1994, directed by John Flynn)

Posted on October 19, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Michael Bower (Edward Furlong) is a 15 year-old loser who walks with a limp and still has nightmares about the night his mother was killed in a car wreck. Brainscan is the new PC game that Michael makes the mistake of playing. In the game, Michael is encouraged by The Trickster (T. Ryder Smith) to kill both his friends and complete strangers. When Michael starts finding body parts around his house, he realizes that whenever he kills someone in the game, he kills them in real life too.

Though it may be forgotten now, Brainscan was heavily promoted when it was first released. I think the producers were hoping to turn The Trickster into the new Freddy and get a new horror franchise out of it. Like most films from the 90s that dealt with computers and gamers, Brainscan is now as dated as dial-up internet. T. Ryder Smith does ok as the Trickster but it is difficult to take him seriously because he has a big red mohawk skullet and he dresses like the keyboard player in every new wave band that has ever synthesized. As for Furlong, he had apparently already entered the I-no-longer-give-a-shit phase of his career when he made Brainscan. Add to that one of the worst endings that I have ever seen in a horror movie and Brainscan is one film that is easy to forget.

It is easy to say what Brainscan is lacking: suspense, gore, and horror. It is less easy to say what would have made it better. Considering its suburban setting, I think Brainscan would have been improved by cameos from the stars of Shattered If Your Kid’s On Drugs.

With Burt Reynolds and Judd Nelson around to serve as mentors, Eddie Furlong never would have gotten addicted to playing video games in the first place.

Right, Burt?

A Movie A Day #283: ClownTown (2016, directed by Tom Nagel)

Posted on October 18, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

To quote a wise man named Forrest Gump, shit happens … especially if there is a clown nearby.

Six idiots take a wrong turn and end up in a deserted, desolate town. It turns out that the town is populated by a gang of clowns and one homeless man who looks like a skinnier version of Randy Quaid. It turns out that the clowns are crazy and homicidal and will kill anyone who is not wearing clown makeup.

That is the entire movie! Other than the amateurish acting, ClownTown is not badly made. The town is creepy. The gore looks real. The clowns are freaky. The main problem with the movie is that crazy clowns are not unique or surprising anymore. Even before It went into production and there were all those real-life evil clown sightings last summer, lunatics in clown makeup had become a cliché. The clowns in ClownTown are evil and sadistic and do some messed up things but who cares? They’re clowns. Everyone already knows they’re crazy.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #9: Final Soul (1995, CAT Productions, Inc)

Posted on October 18, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Continuing my adventures in the scary side of the Internet Archive, I played Final Soul (1995, CAT Productions, Inc.).

Final Soul is a text adventure that starts out with this message:

In Final Soul, you and a group of 12 friends have been invited to a haunted castle. All you have to do is spend one night in the castle and the “reward” will be yours.

No sooner have you arrived then the lights go out. When they come back on…

The rest of the game is a basic text adventure. You explore the castle, search for clues, and try to solve puzzles. It is a big castle but pressing “m” brings up a map:

The rest of the characters walk around the house, as well. You can try to talk to them, though some of the conversations are more interesting than others:

If I had to use one word to describe this game, it would be “goofy.” This is one of the goofiest text adventures that I have ever played and that is saying something. This is the type of game where, when you leave the coat closet, it makes a joke about you “finally coming out the closet.” If you type in a command that the game does not recognize, its response will depend on what room you are in:

Goofy though it may be, I still enjoyed playing Final Soul. The game is a mix of complex puzzles and corny jokes. It is hard not to like a game that has no pretense about being anything more than what it is. Playing Final Soul, I was reminded of some of the deliberately stupid games that I created when I was first learning how to program.

One final note: there is an official site for Final Soul, which has hints, a list of commands, and a walkthrough for people like me who struggle when it comes to solving puzzles.

A Movie A Day #282: Jack’s Back (1988, directed by Rowdy Herrington)

Posted on October 17, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

When med student Rick Westford (James Spader) is found hung at the free clinic where he worked, the police say that he committed suicide. Rick’s estranged twin brother, John (James Spader), does not agree and launches an investigation of his own. With the help of Rick’s co-worker, Chris (Cynthia Gibb), John discovers that Rick may have learned the identity of a serial killer who has been copying the crimes of Jack the Ripper and murdering prostitutes in Los Angeles. However, the killer knows that John is getting close to discovering his identity so the killer sets out to frame John not only for the prostitute murders but for the murder of his brother as well.

Jack’s Back is a movie that deserves to be better known than it is. James Spader gives two great performances, as both Rick and John. He and Cynthia Gibb make a good team and Jack’s Back actually does some unexpected things with their relationship. Jack’s Back was directed by Rowdy Herrington, who is best known for Roadhouse and Gladiator. Jack’s Back is part murder mystery, part action thriller, and part horror movie and Herrington does a good job of switching back and forth through Jack’s Back constantly shifting tone. Because this is a low-budget movie with a small cast, there really are not enough suspects to make the murderer’s identity a surprise but Spader, Herrington, and Gibb always keep things interesting.

This is a film that really does deserve to be better known.

A Movie A Day #281: The House Where Evil Dwells (1982, directed by Kevin Connor)

Posted on October 16, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

When writer Ted Fletcher (Edward Albert) moves his family into a house in Kyoto, Japan, he does not know that the house comes with a violent history. 140 years ago, the house was occupied by a samurai and his wife. When the samurai discovered that his wife had taken a lover, he killed both them and himself. The three spirits remain in the house, haunting Ted and his wife, Laura (Susan George). When a possessed Laura starts an affair with Ted’s best friend (Doug McClure), will history repeat itself?

When I was growing up, The House Where Evil Dwells used to frequently show up on television. When you are a kid, anything that combines ghosts, sex, and samurai swords is automatically the coolest thing that you have ever seen so I used to really like The House Where Evil Dwells. A few weeks ago, I rewatched it for the first time in years and I was shocked by how boring the movie actually is. There are a few well-composed scenes with the ghosts silently watching the Fletcher family and Susan George does the best she can do with what she is given but has there ever been any two actors as wooden as Edward Albert and Doug McClure? Any film about passion and anger is doomed to fail when it stars two actors who cannot show emotion. This is one haunted house movie that will make you want to hang out with the ghosts because the living are just too boring.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures in The Internet Archive #8: Demon’s Tomb — The Awakening (1989, Silhouette Software)

Posted on October 16, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

For my latest trip into the scariest parts of the Internet Archive, I played Demon’s Tomb — The Awakening (1989, Silhouette Software).

One thing that I instantly liked about Demon’s Tomb was the opening screen, which lists all of the special features that come with this game:

I appreciated that this game comes with a “pretend to be working” mode. Sometimes, when a game is uploaded into the Internet Archive, it loses some of its features. (For instance, do not even try to save a game if you are playing it in the archive.) While playing Demon’s Tomb, I decided to see if the pretend to be working mode still worked.

This was the game, before I pressed F2.

After I pressed F2.

After I pressed F2 again.

The game itself is an Infocom-style text adventure. You start the game as Edward Lytton, a British archeologist who is exploring a burial mound that has been uncovered on the moors. Do not get too attached to Edward. At the start of the game, he is trapped in the tomb and you are told that he only has a few turns left to live. Before Edward dies, you can hide some of his possessions around the tomb so that they can be found later.

This is important to do because, after Edward dies, the game becomes about his son, Richard. Richard arrives at the tomb to search for his father and he discovers that opening of the tomb has unleashed an ancient demon. In order to defeat the demon and escape from the burial mound himself, Richard is going to need to find the things that Edward has hidden in the tomb. If you did not hide those things while you were Edward, you will not be able to find them once you become Richard.

This is a challenging but rewarding game and the only real way to solve it is through trial and error. Try something and, if it doesn’t work, do the opposite the next time you play. Or you can just go on google and search for a walkthrough, like I shamefully did once I realized that I was never going to be able to figure this game out on my own.

Demon’s Tomb is largely text-based but it does give you the option to press F1 and see pictures of what is being described. For example:

And my favorite:

If you are looking for a retro adventure game, I highly recommend Demon’s Tomb. It’s a shame that they don’t make them like this anymore.

A Movie a Day #280: Mikey (1992, directed by Dennis Dimister)

Posted on October 15, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Dumb. Just dumb.

Mikey (Brian Bonsall) is a little boy who kills people. Over the course of this movie, he kills eight people. He gets away with it because everyone that he meets is extremely stupid. When his teacher notices that Mikey is drawing pictures based on his previous murders, no one thinks anything of it. When she sees that Mikey is now pushing thumbtacks into his arm, no one is too concerned. When the principal goes looking for Mikey, he takes a gun which he then leaves unattended on the kitchen counter. When Mikey tells his teacher that he wants her to teach him “how to die,” everyone figures out that something’s wrong with Mikey but, by then, it’s too late.

For a few years, Mikey had a strong cult following because of the killer kid theme and a few scenes of Josie Bissett in a hot tub. But it really is a dumb movie and Brian Bonsall gave a lousy performance as Mikey. It takes a good deal of stupidity for an adult to get murdered by a ten-year old and this movie proves it.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrorific Adventures In The Internet Archive #7: The Lurking Horror (1987, Infocom)

Posted on October 15, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

If you are looking for a good, text-based horror film, allow me to suggest heading over the Internt Archive and trying your hand at The Lurking Horror (1987, Infocom).

The Lurking Horror is an interactive adventure game of Lovecraftian horror. You are a student who has one night to finish a big paper. During the worst blizzard in history, you make your way from the dorms to the computer lab. Since this is an Infocom game, nothing is easy but the end results are rewarding. Not only do you have to figure out the right commands to edit your paper but, once you do figure it all out, you discover that your paper is no longer your paper. Instead, your paper has been transformed into an ancient text.

I will give you one hint. When you first load up the paper, the game will literally beg you to read the entire paper. Even if you click on your in-game PC’s help key, it will suggest that you read the entire paper. Do not do it. If you start reading the paper, you will not be able to stop. Even if you say that you want to leave the computer room or that you want to turn off the computer, you will be told that “instead, you click the more box.” After four turns of reading the paper, something terrible happens to you.

Instead of reading the paper after you open it, try to talk to the hacker in the computer room. (In typical Infocom fashion, the hacker has several hilarious reactions. For fun, try typing “attack the hacker.”) The hacker has suggestions for how to retrieve your original paper. It will not be easy though. There are monsters in the computer lab.

Again, this is an Infocom game so it is not going to be easy. It takes a while to get the hang of it but stick with it and it will be worth it. For those who know their Lovecraft, playing The Lurking Horror will be a very rewarding experience.

One final note. In the game, when you turn on the computer, you are required to enter a login and a password. There is no way to discover the login or the password in-game. That information was only made available in the game’s original manual. I had to look up the login and the password online. For the record, here they are:

A Movie A Day #279: The Ambulance (1990, directed by Larry Cohen)

Posted on October 14, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Josh Baker (Eric Roberts) is an extroverted artist for Marvel Comics who meets Cheryl (Janine Turner) while walking around New York City. Josh and Cheryl hit it off but when Cheryl suddenly collapses, she is picked up by a mysterious ambulance. When Josh goes to the hospital to check on her, he is told that Cheryl was never brought in. Soon, Josh discovers that people all over New York have been put into back of the ambulance and have never been seen again. Unfortunately, nobody believes Josh. Not the veteran NYPD detective (James Earl Jones) who Josh approaches with his suspicions. Not the staff of the hospital. Not even Stan Lee! The only people willing to support Josh are an elderly investigative reporter (Red Buttons) and an inexperienced detective (Megan Gallagher).

Yes, Stan Lee does play himself. While he had made a few cameo appearances on television and had previously narrated a French film, The Ambulance was Stan Lee’s first real film role. Josh works at an idealized version of Marvel Comics, where the artists are well-paid, no one is pressured into producing substandard work, and Lee is an avuncular father figure. It is the Marvel Comics that I used to imagine working at when I was growing up, before I found out about what actually happened to artists like Jack Kirby, Joe Simon, and Steve Ditko.

Idealized though it may be, the Marvel connection is appropriate because The Ambulance is essentially a comic book adventure. It does not matter how many times Josh gets hit by a car or falls out of a window, he always recovers in time for the next scene. When Josh does discover who is behind the ambulance, it turns out to be a villain who would not be out-of-place in a Ditko-era Spider-Man story.

The Ambulance is another one of Larry Cohen’s New York horror stories. Like most of Cohen’s films, it is pulpy, cheap, and entertaining. Eric Roberts is as crazy as ever and the movie is full of good character actors like James Earl Jones, Red Buttons, Richard Bright, and Eric Braeden. The Ambulance may be dumb but it is always entertaining.