Granny Gargoli (Stella Stevens) is an old, wealthy, and dying. With the exception of her niece, Kelly (Shannon Whirry, wearing glasses so it’s clear that she is not a gold digger), Granny hates her entire family. When they come by for Thanksgiving dinner and start arguing about who is going to inherit Granny’s money, Granny snaps at her oldest son, “You’re the load that I should’ve swallowed!”
Since Granny does not want anyone to inherit her money, she decides that the best course of action would be to never die. She buys a magic elixir that will grant immortality to whoever drinks it. The salesman (played by director Luca Bercovici) tells her that it is very important to keep the elixir out of direct sunlight. Of course, that gets screwed up faster than a mogwai turning into a gremlin. When her family poisons her, the corrupted elixir does not keep Granny from dying. Instead, it allows Granny to return as a demon who hunts down her greedy relatives one at a time. One son is castrated. A daughter-in-law is attacked when her mink stole comes to life. Even after being killed, the members of the family return as wisecracking members of the living dead.
A mix of comedy and horror, The Granny used to show up regularly on late night Cinemax. It may not be scary (though the castration scene is the reason why I get nervous whenever I see scissors) but, with the exception of Kelly, everyone in the family is so hateful that it is still fun to watch all of the get what they deserve. Stella Stevens and Shannon Whirry are the main reasons to watch The Granny. Stella gets all the best lines while Shannon Whirry shows why those who grew up watching late night Cinema still debate which Shannon was the best, Whirry or Tweed?
Billy Colton (Derek Rydall) is a teenager who has a reputation for exaggeration. Lisa Grace (Shannon Tweed) is his next door neighbor, a high-priced prostitute who does not mind if Billy spies on her. When Billy tries to tell everyone about his wild new neighbor, no one believes him. Billy decides to prove his story by grabbing his camera and sneaking next door. Instead of getting proof that she’s a prostitute, Billy witnesses his neighbor being murdered by a robed Satanist, who just happens to be Zachary Willard (Allen Garfield), Billy’s hated science teacher! Billy goes to the police with his camera but Captain Crane (Richard Roundtree) points out that Billy forgot to take off the lens cap.
This is another one that can be best described as being dumb. Just dumb.
A group of miners are sent into a dangerous environment by an evil corporation. When they explore an abandoned ship, they unknowingly bring a hostile creature onto their own vessel. One of the crewman is killed when the creature mutates inside of his body. The rest of the crew includes a scientist, one strong woman, one woman who cries, and a strong, silent captain.
Sybil Danning is top-billed in The Tomb but she only appears at the very start of the film. She lands an airplane on a landing strip in the middle of the Egyptian desert and then gets into a gunfight with two archeologists who have robbed a tomb and are now trying to sell off the artifacts. When one of the archeologists aims his handgun at the plane and pulls the trigger, the plane explodes. Though Sybil survives the gun fight, that’s it for her in this movie. Since whatever modern-day audience The Tomb may have is largely going to be made up of nostalgic Sybil Danning fanboys, most people will probably stop watching once it becomes obvious that she is never coming back.
Through the Shattered Lens