Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.22 “Hostile Takeover”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, Monsters takes a look at what is required to get ahead in the cut-throat world of corporate finance.

Episode 3.22 “Hostile Takeover”

(Dir by Randall Moldave, originally aired on February 24th, 1991)

Ruthless but not particularly intelligent corporate executive Laurence Bauer (Dennis Christopher) thinks that he has figured out the perfect way to take over the business from CEO Tom Hart (William Lanteau).  He teams up with a voodoo priestess named Matilde (Pam Grier) and, with her help, he manages to force Hart out.  However, Matilde explains that all of this comes with a price.  The Voodoo Gods want a piece of Bauer’s body.  Bauer responds by killing Matilde.

In his office, getting faxes from the Voodoo Gods and dealing with taunting messages on his computer screen, Bauer decides to sacrifice the janitor, Ed (Tracey Walter).  However, Ed turns out to be not just any old janitor.  He’s a demon who reacts to Bauer’s condescension by plucking out his right eye.

“You’re my boy now!” Ed shouts.

Agck!  Scary!

This was a good episode.  Christopher, Walter, and Grier all gave memorable performances and the demon effects were genuinely disturbing.  The final season of Monsters wasn’t perfect.  I’ve reviewed more than a few bad episodes from season 3.  That said, it was still a marked improvement over the first two seasons, as demonstrated by episodes like this one.  The whole point of the show was to show off the Monsters and this episode featured a truly effective one.

Two more episodes to go and then a new show will be premiering in this time slot!

Brad reviews FAMILY OF COPS (1995), starring Charles Bronson!


Legendary actor Charles Bronson ended his five-decade career by starring in a series of made-for-TV movies, FAMILY OF COPS (1995), BREACH OF FAITH: A FAMILY OF COPS II (1997), and FAMILY OF COPS III: UNDER SUSPICION (1999). I was in my mid-twenties as this series played out, and I enjoyed each of the installments. Today, I’m going to take a look at the first in the series.

In FAMILY OF COPS, Charles Bronson stars as Police Inspector Paul Fein. Paul, a widower as we enter this story, leads a family who is heavily involved in law enforcement in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. His oldest son Ben (Daniel Baldwin) is a detective on the force. Ben is a family man in a loving marriage with several wild kids. Paul’s younger son Eddie (Sebastian Spence) is a patrol cop. Eddie’s single, has a beautiful girlfriend, and seems to be a nice guy with a well-adjusted life. Paul’s oldest daughter Kate (Barbara Williams) is a local public defender. She seems to be dedicated to her work, not leaving much time for a social life. And then there’s Paul’s youngest daughter Jackie (Angela Featherstone), who has moved out to California and refers to herself as “the family curse.” This story opens with Jackie reluctantly coming back to Milwaukee to attend her dad’s birthday party. All Paul wants for his birthday is for his family to be together. We soon learn that neither Ben or Kate care much for Jackie and her irresponsible life choices. As a matter of fact, the reason she ran off to California in the first place was to get out from under her family’s disapproval. It’s not long after she gets back that the family wishes she would have stayed away. Sneaking out of her sister’s house late at night to drink and party, she meets the prominent local businessman Adam Novacek (Simon MacCorkindale), eventually going to his home and engaging in sexual intercourse. Sadly, the next morning she wakes up to Novacek’s recently deceased corpse, and she’s arrested as the prime suspect in his murder. Convinced of her innocence, Paul, Ben, and Eddie set about trying to clear her name and find the real murderer. Besides Jackie, other suspects begin to emerge, including Novacek’s current wife Anna (Lesley-Anne Down), his former wife Laura (Kate Trotter), who’s now confined to a looney bin, and a local gangster named Frank Rampola (John Vernon), who has a vendetta against Paul for recently busting his grandson. How far will Paul Fein go to protect his family in his search for a killer?!!

FAMILY OF COPS is a perfect example of what I would refer to as entertainment for the “older person crowd,” and I don’t mean this as a put-down in any way as I enjoyed the movie. I just mean that it fits a type of entertainment that was popular in the 80’s and 90’s. These types of shows would depend greatly on the charisma or reputation of a veteran actor or actress, would contain simple production values, and would usually follow formulaic plots. Examples of the types of shows I’m referring to include MURDER, SHE WROTE with Angela Lansbury, MATLOCK with Andy Griffith, DIAGNOSIS MURDER with Dick Van Dyke, and WALKER: TEXAS RANGER with Chuck Norris. A combination of my dad, mom and grandma loved all of these shows. I’m a big fan of MATLOCK myself. In this case, FAMILY OF COPS leans heavily on Charles Bronson’s five decades as a tough guy icon to anchor a somewhat formulaic crime film and family melodrama. The role of Paul Fein fits a 73-year-old Bronson like a glove. He’s still in good physical shape, and the movie gives him a couple of opportunities to punch the shit out of some much younger thugs and henchmen. That was fun for me.

The supporting cast of the film is solid. Daniel Baldwin and Angela Featherstone make the biggest impact. Baldwin is good as the oldest son, a hothead, tough guy on the job who is constantly being humbled at home. Featherstone has the most beautiful eyes, and her rebellious character seems to have a good heart, but she just can’t seem to keep herself out of trouble. Paul Fein’s love for his troubled daughter Jackie is a sweet part of the story and provides something that most of us can relate to. She told me that she “loved Charles,” and I think you can see that in their scenes together. Sebastian Spence and Barbara Williams don’t have a lot to do in this first installment, but their characters will get their own moments to shine in the sequels. I also enjoy seeing John Vernon and Lesley Anne-Down show up in the movie as various persons of interest throughout the story. Bronson and Lesley Anne-Down had recently worked together in DEATH WISH V: THE FACE OF DEATH (1994) and were reportedly good friends in real life. Ted Kotcheff directed FAMILY OF COPS, which I find kind of disappointing. The same guy who directed movies like NORTH DALLAS FORTY (1979) and FIRST BLOOD (1982) didn’t bring anything special to the table in this film. I know it’s a modestly budgeted made-for-TV movie, but the best that can be said for the direction is that it’s workmanlike, and you would never suspect that the director had once helmed the original Rambo movie.

Ultimately, I enjoy FAMILY OF COPS because it stars Charles Bronson. Even as an older man, Bronson still dominates a scene, and the ratings success of the movie proved that Bronson still had an audience who wanted to see him on screen. And even though the story isn’t very unique and the central mystery isn’t very exciting, just the fact that Bronson is leading a solid story that includes action, crime, mystery and family melodrama will always provide some moments of joy for his fans like me. This is far from Bronson’s best work, but the old workhorse still knows how to entertain!

Heaven Is A Playground (1991, directed by Randall Fried)


In the projects of Chicago, Byron Harper (Michael Warren) runs a nonprofit basketball farming system and helps black kids, many of whom would have no other prospects other than a live of poverty or crime, to find a home in college basketball programs.  Byron is passionate about what he does but he’s also a stern taskmaster and not quick to forgive.  When one of his best players, Casey (Nigel Miguel), developed a drinking problem, Byron kicked him off his team.  Byron’s main concern is his stepson, Truth (Victor Love).  Truth is a great basketball player but also has an addiction to cocaine and an attitude problem.

For reasons that are never made clear, white lawyer Zack Telander (D.B. Sweeney) shows up on the court and says he wants to play one-on-one with Byron.  Everyone assumes that Zack is a drug dealer and they tell him to get lost.  But when one of the players is shot, Zack is the only person at the court who has a car.  Zack rushes the player to the hospital and he wins Byron’s trust.  Byron needs Zack to look over a professional contract that is being offered to Truth by sleazy sports agent David Racine (Richard Jordan).

For reasons that are again never made clear, Byron tells Zack to coach some of the more troubled players on the court, including Casey.  At first, Zack isn’t much of a coach but eventually, he gets the players to trust him and start playing like a team.  He also tries to get burned-out Matthew Lockhart (Bo Kimble) to start playing the game again.

Heaven Is A Playground is a mess of a movie that doesn’t really seem to be sure what it wants to say about basketball, the projects, or race relations.  The main problem is that a lot of the decisions made by Byron and Zack don’t make any sort of logical sense.  Moments of broad comedy are mixed with moments of high drama and it makes for an unconvincing and overly melodramatic sports movie.

Heaven Is A Playground had a long pre-production phase.  At one point, a young Michael Jordan agreed to play the role of Matthew Lockhart.  By the time the film actually went into production, Jordan was a superstar and had neither the time (nor, probably, the desire) to co-star in a low-budget sports movie.  After the movie flopped, director Randall Fried sued Jordan for breach-of-contract, claiming that he caused the film’s box office failure by refusing to appear in it and, as a result, Fried’s directorial career stalled.  In the suit, Fried claimed that he was on the verge of being “the next Steven Spielberg” until Jordan refused to do his film.  The jury found Jordan not liable and awarded him $50,000.

(Trying to sue Michael Jordan was a terrible idea in 1998 and it’s probably still a terrible idea today.  People love Jordan!)

Personally, I have to say that Mike made the right decision.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.4 “The Same Wavelength/Winning Isn’t Everything/A Honeymoon for Horace”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard, we’re expecting you….

Episode 6.4 “The Same Wavelength/Winning Isn’t Everything/A Honeymoon for Horace”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on October 23rd, 1982)

Yeesh!  This episode!  Because I’m on vacation, I’m going to lay out the facts quickly and simply.

  • Julie’s hair still looks awful.  Seriously, she looks like she should be playing the demanding gymnastics coach in a Peter Engel-produced high school sitcom.
  • Horace (Jack Gilford) and Twinkie (Nancy Walker) board the boat.  They’re in their 80s and they’re newlyweds!  Awwwww!  Horace is nervous about his honeymoon because it’s been forever since he’s kissed a woman so he asks Julie if he can practice on her.  Julie, her eyes oddly glazed over, agrees.
  • Twinkie, who loves to party, tells Julie that she’s actually been married to Horace for 30 years and he just said that he was a newlywed to trick Julie into kissing him.
  • Later, when confronted by Doc and Julie, Horace and Twinkie confess that they’re not actually married.  However, they are brother and sister.  WHAT!?
  • Turns out that Twinkie “likes to party” and Horace “likes to kiss pretty girls” so they lied so that they could do both.
  • Horace, you’re going to jail!  Oh wait, no, he’s not.  The Love Boat crew has a good laugh over it and Julie, to be honest, seemed to be pretty coked up in this episode so perhaps she had a good reason for wanting to avoid dealing with the cops.  Okay, Julie, do what you have to do, I guess.
  • Meanwhile, psychic Tess Macgill (Connie Stevens) falls in love with passenger Mike Gordon (Charles Seibert).  Unfortunately, Mike is still in love with his wife, despite the fact that they’re now separated.  It’s a good thing that there’s a psychic on board to let Mike know that his marriage is over.
  • Finally, Jack Bronson (David Doyle) boards the boat with his teenage son, Chip (Matthew Labyorteaux).  Jack is an old friend of Captain Stubing’s and he’s convinced that winning is everything!  As for Stubing, he’s just happy that Vicki will finally have someone her own age to spend some time with.  I’m happy too.  Seriously, Vicki hardly ever gets to talk to anyone under the age of 50.
  • Jack is convinced that Chip is a world-class athlete but that’s just because Chip has been lying to his father.
  • Vicki is great a table tennis.  Jack pressures Chip to play her.  Chip fakes a wrist injury to get out of it.
  • Eventually, Chip tells his father the truth and Jack realizes that he’s been pushing his son way too much.  That’s not a bad lesson but David Doyle is miscast as a competition-obsessed father.  He comes across as being too nice.  Jack is a role for Bo Svenson.

This episode …. bleh.  The psychic story was bland and the story with the elderly siblings was creepy.  The Jack and Chip story was, at least, tolerable.  Julie’s terrible new haircut continues to annoy me.  This was not the best cruise in the history of The Love Boat.

Brad’s “Obscure Film Recommendation of the Day” – DARK ANGEL: THE ASCENT (1994)!


I’m not sure how many of you have seen the film, DARK ANGEL: THE ASCENT, starring Angela Featherstone. In the film, Angela plays Veronica Iscariot, a demoness from Hell who doesn’t want to spend her life tormenting the souls of sinners. After rebelling against her father, and in severe danger of being murdered for disobedience, Veronica ascends towards the surface of Earth. Unfortunately, she finds the world above full of evil and corruption and makes it her mission in life is to punish the wicked. She goes about this mission with a bloody vengeance. On a positive note, she does meet and fall in love with the compassionate Doctor Max Barris (Daniel Markel), who tends her wounds after an accident.

When I was a teenager and up into my twenties, every year I would buy a movie review book called “The Video Movie Guide.” This movie guide contained reviews from Mick Martin and Marsha Porter, and every year they would update their guide with the latest movie reviews. I would pour through the book and “dog-ear” the pages and highlight the movies that I thought looked interesting. That was when I first heard of DARK ANGEL: THE ASCENT. It looked like it had some fun potential, and I knew Angela Featherstone from her work as Charles Bronson’s daughter in the FAMILY OF COPS series. I finally rented the film on VHS, and I really enjoyed it. Angela Featherstone dominates the film, and in my opinion, it just may be the best performance of her career!

If you haven’t seen it, and you enjoy violent B-movies, with strong female characters, and even some humor thrown in for good measure, I recommend this film to you. As of this writing, it’s available for streaming on Amazon Prime, PlutoTV, Tubi, and Fawesome. Give it a watch! I’ve included the trailer below:

Song of the Day: Pine Tar Wars by C.W. McCall


Today’s song of the day is a another song inspired by the Pine Tar Incident.  I bet Billy Martin hated this song.

Well, the Wall Street Journal and The New York Times
Carried the story in big headlines
How Kansas City George was robbed that day
When Tar Baby Billy took his bat away

It was two men out in the top a’ the ninth
It was one a’ them classic settin’s
The Goose on the mound in that Big Apple town
And George is up there battin’

As the crowd chants “Goose!”
He turns it loose
With fire and smoke and ash
George sends it deep
In the right field seats
Another timely crash

As he rounded third and he headed on home
Was a gleam in Billy’s eye
Dick wondered “What’s he up to now?
“I know this guy’s real sly”

Billy grabbed the bat as both teams sat
In awe upon the benches
Says, “There ya are! That there’s pine tar!
“An’ it’s a whole lot more’n eighteen inches!”

Tar Baby Billy can you hear our song?
Did you cry about the game last night?
Cry Baby Billy tell us all what’s wrong?
All you wanna do is fight
You like a child, kickin’ dirt on the umpire’s shoes
That’s the way you’ve always been
So now we’re gonna take that pine tar rag
And rub it in your face again

So Tim thought it through, and he asked the crew
Then with bat in hand, he shouted
“You’re out! The home run just don’t count!
“I’m gonna have ta disallow it!”

Well, the sky was clear and the day was hot
But George was even hotter
Till Lee got wise, and said “Hey, you guys!
“This claim ain’t a-gonna hold water”

Tar Baby Billy can you hear our song?
Did you cry about the game last night?
Cry Baby Billy tell us all what’s wrong?
All you wanna do is fight
You like a child, kickin’ dirt on the umpire’s shoes
That’s the way you’ve always been
So now we’re gonna take that pine tar rag
And rub it in your face again

Well, the fans was riled and suits was filed
To create a long dee-lay
Then Billy’s team, apparently
Was just afraid to play

Now the stage was set and Billy bet
That he had the upper hand
But Billy was fooled when the big court ruled
“You gonna play this game, as planned!”

Well, Tar Baby Billy can you hear our song?
Did you cry about the game last night?
Cry Baby Billy tell us all what’s wrong?
All you wanna do is fight
You like a child, kickin’ dirt on the umpire’s shoes
That’s the way you’ve always been
So now we’re gonna take that pine tar rag
And rub it in your face again

With affidavits (notarized)
That George had touched ’em all
The umpire said, “We a step ahead
“Gonna put an end to Billy Ball”

“We done heard the call for Billy Ball
“We ain’t never gonna hear it again
“Just like the cheer for Billy’s Beer
“When the Democrats was in”

Now the game they played that summer day
Won’t be famous for the scores
But the incidents that have happened since
Will be remembered as Tar Wars

Tar Baby Billy can you hear our song?
Did you cry about the game last night?
Cry Baby Billy tell us all what’s wrong?
All you wanna do is fight
You like a child, kickin’ dirt on the umpire’s shoes
That’s the way you’ve always been
So now we’re gonna take that pine tar rag
And rub it in your face again

Scenes That I Love: Howard Beale says “We’re In A Lot Of Trouble” in Network


Everyone remembers the “Mad as Hell Speech” from Sidney Lumet’s 1976 satire, Network.

Personally, I think this scene below is just as good.  Replace “tube” with TikTok and AI and you’ll have a pretty good explanation for why the world today is full of so many ignorant people who think they know more than they do.

(Usually, heavy-handed scenes annoy me.  Fortunately, much like David Fincher with Aaron Sorkin’s script for The Social Network, Sidney Lumet knew the right directorial tone to take when translating Paddy Chayefsky’s script to the screen.  One shudders to think of what Network would have been like with a less skilled director behind the camera.)

 

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Sidney Lumet Edition


4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today, we celebrate the anniversary of the birth of director Sidney Lumet, born 101 years ago on this date.  It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 Sidney Lumet Films

Long Day’s Journey Into Night (1962, dir by Sidney Lumet, DP: Boris Kaufman)

Dog Day Afternoon (1975, dir by Sidney Lumet, DP: Victor J. Kemper)

Network (1976, dir. Sidney Lumet, DP: Owen Roizman)

The Verdict (1981, dir by Sidney Lumet, DP: Andrzej Bartkowiak)

Music Video of the Day: Is It Now? by Automatic (2025, Dir. by Nicola and Juliana Giraffe)


This video celebrate all of the hard work that goes into running your own business and owning a giant landline phone.  This video deserves a lot of credit for its production design.  Everything from the boxes to the phone to color scheme to the outfits worn by the band works.

This song is the title track from Automatic’s forthcoming new album.

Enjoy!

Cut your hair
With kitchen scissors
New look
A different image
Secondhand
Not television
Shopping malls
They make you vicious

Yuppy farm
Bread in the kitchen
Pissing on your dreams and wishes
Sabotage
The banking business
Capital makes
Big decisions

I wanna be like
Going out alone
They wanna be like
Copy or clone
I wanna be like
What do you stand for
They wanna be like
Bet on a dead horse

And it’s there (da da da da da)
If you dare (da da da da da)
No divide (da da da da da)
You and I (da da da da da)

I wanna be like
Going out alone
They wanna be like
Copy or clone
I wanna be like
Give me the answer
They wanna be like
Still moving backwards

Falling hit the ground I’m running
Towards the edge of something
Tired of only watching
And I can’t stop wanting
When the walls are closed in
On the way to nothing
Well the earth still pulls me
Back into myself