SHANE (The TV Series) – Episode 1: The Distant Bell (aired September 10th, 1966)

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Bradley Crain

I’ve been called “Charles Bronson’s biggest fan” on multiple occasions and by people I greatly respect. It’s possible that’s close to being true, but I chose to buy the entire TV series of SHANE on DVD because I wanted to watch Bronson’s wife, Jill Ireland, in a role that doesn’t include her more famous husband. I also wanted to see a young David Carradine as Shane. It doesn’t hurt that the 1953 film starring Alan Ladd is one of my absolute favorite movies.

The very first episode of SHANE starts off with Mr. Starett (Tom Tully) and the new schoolmarm (Diane Ladd) riding into town. They immediately run into Mr. Ryker (Bert Freed) and his henchman Harve (Lawrence Mann), who tells them in no uncertain terms that there will never be a school in this town. Enter Shane (David Carradine), who works for Mr. Starett. He tells Harve to get out of the way, and Mr. Starett, the school teacher and Shane head out to their ranch.

The new school is going to be in Ed Howell’s (Karl Lukas) barn. Mr. Howell is concerned about the school and his own personal safety since he’s heard of Ryker’s threats. Mr. Starett reassures him that everything will be okay so they head to Grafton’s general store to purchase supplies. Mr. Ryker shows up there and tries some more intimidation. When they leave the store, they notice a fire off in the distance. It’s Ed Howell’s barn. Appalled by all of this violence, the schoolteacher catches the next stage out of town.

Marian Starett (Jill Ireland), old man Starett’s daughter, decides she will teach the school. She knows her son Joey (Christopher Shea) needs to be educated along with the other children in the area. Since the barn was burned down, Marian asks Mr. Grafton if they can use the saloon to hold their classes since men don’t come to drink until 4:00 or later. Of course, now Mr. Ryker decides to come early and start drinking. They break bottles and glasses on the floor while the kids try to do their multiplication tables. Scared for the children, Marian takes the kids out and the future of the school appears to be in doubt again.

Shane decides he’s had enough of this crap. He begins building a school out in the country and tells Marian that school will start there tomorrow. He’s prepared to defend the school against Ryker, Harve and anyone else who gets in the way. The next morning, Shane tells Marian & Mr. Starett to listen for the school bell. If they hear it, come on. If they don’t, there will be no school. Harve confronts Shane at the new school building. If Shane is defeated, the idea for the school and the education of the kids in the valley will be dead with him…

I enjoyed this first episode. The main cast does a fine job. David Carradine is a solid Shane. He has the confidence of a man who knows his true value is his ability with a gun. He doesn’t lead with the gun, but he’ll go there when it’s required. Jill Ireland is also good as Marian Starett. There’s a nice bit of sexual tension between her and Shane, and she’s also good as the doting mother to Joey. It is nice to see her in a role that doesn’t involve Charles Bronson, and she’s good in this first episode. Tom Tully is good as old man Starett, Marian’s father-in-law. His character is necessary as a guy who provides some needed relief between Shane and Marian. Finally, Joey is played by Christopher Shea. I’ll have to see how he grows on me as the series progresses. He’s fine in the first episode. Interestingly, he voiced Linus in the classics, “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” so I’m willing to give him some space to grow!

I’m looking forward to seeing where the series goes. It’s a total of 17 episodes so it won’t take too long to get there!

Film Review: Woyzeck (dir by Werner Herzog)

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

First released in 1979 and directed by the great Werner Herzog, Woyzeck takes place in a small German town in the 19th century. It’s the type of town where everyone knows everyone else and not much happens. As is mentioned towards the end of the film, it’s been a while since the town has seen a “real murder.”

Franz Woyzeck (Klaus Kinski) is a soldier who lives in the town. He’s had a son with Marie (Eva Mattes), despite not being married to her. For that, Woyzeck’s Captain (Wolfgang Reichmann) continually tells him that he is immoral. Woyzeck replies that the poor cannot afford morals. To make extra money, Woyzeck does odd jobs for the Captain and he’s agreed to serve as an experimental test subject for the Doctor (Willy Semmelrogge). The Doctor, who looks down on Woyzeck, has put Woyzeck on a diet of only peas. He’s curious to see what this does to Woyzeck’s physical well-being but he has no interest in the fact that Woyzeck is obviously going mad.

Woyzeck, who, at the start of the film, is already hearing voices and talking about his apocalyptic visions, comes to suspect that Marie is cheating on him with a handsome Drum Major (Josef Bierbichler). While the film does make it clear that the Drum Major is interested in Marie, whether or not she’s actually cheating is left ambiguous. Woyzeck may believe that she is but Woyzeck also believes that he’s having visions of the end of the world so who knows whether one should trust his opinion. Eventually, Woyzeck’s madness leads to tragedy and another ambiguous ending. (The ambiguity reflects not only Werner Herzog’s customary aesthetic but also the fact that the film is based on a fragment of an unfinished play.)

What drives Woyzeck mad? Was he born mad or was he driven mad by his jealousy over the Drum Major? Does he truly love Marie or, as someone who has very little to his name, does he just want to possess her? Is he driven crazy by the inequality all around him or is he just looking for an excuse to justify his own disturbed thoughts? Herzog does not provide a definitive answer. Why Woyzeck goes mad is less important than the fact that the community around him is thoroughly and totally indifferent to the fact that he’s obviously losing his mind. The Captain lectures him as him as if he’s merely a teenager who needs to grow up. The Doctor only cares about Woyzeck as a test subject. Even Marie seems to be indifferent to his instability.

With each scene shot in one take and featuring a largely stationary camera, Woyzeck captures the claustrophobic feeling of being trapped in one’s circumstances. Woyzeck is desperate to escape both his circumstances and his madness but Herzog makes it clear that Woyzeck has nowhere to go. He’s trapped in his life and his fate feels almost pre-ordained. This film is dark, even by the standards of Werner Herzog, However, it also features one of Klaus Kinski’s rare sympathetic roles. It’s not surprising that Kinski is convincing as a madman as Kinski is often said to have been a bit mad in real life as well. What stands out is just how good a job Kinski does at playing the rather meek and subservient side of Woyzeck. Woyzeck features one of Klaus Kinski’s best performances.

In My Best Fiend, Herzog said (one hopes jokingly) that he was often tempted to have Kinski killed. Woyzeck shows us why we should be happy that he didn’t.

Film Review: Starcrash (dir by Luigi Cozzi)

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Is there a better movie than Starcrash?

First released in 1978, Starcrash takes place in a galaxy that is probably far, far away. The evil Count Zath Arn (Joe Spinell) is attempting to overthrow the benevolent Emperor (Christopher Plummer). Zath Arn has built a weapon that is so large and so powerful that it can only be hidden inside of another planet. (“Like a Death Star?” you say. Hush, don’t go there….) The Emperor’s son, Prince Simon (David Hasselhoff), led an expedition in search of the weapon but a surprise attack of glowing red lights led to his ship crashing on the unknown planet. Simon is missing and Zath Arn’s power is growing.

Two legendary smugglers — Stella Starr (Caroline Munro) and the enigmatic Akton (Marjoe Gortner) — are released from prison and tasked with tracking down both the weapon and Simon. (Stella was already in the process of escaping when she got the news of her release.) Accompanied by the duplicitous Thor (Robert Tessier) and the loyal Elle (Judd Hamilton), a robot with a thick Southern accent, Stella and Akton set out to explore the haunted stars.

It’s a journey that leads them to …. well, actually, it only leads them to three planets. It turns out that the weapon wasn’t that well-hidden after all. Still, one planet is populated by Amazons and protected by a giant, tin robot. Another planet is populated by cannibals who wear stone masks. And then there’s an ice planet where the clouds race across the sky while Stella and Elle try to make it back to their ship without freezing to death. And if that’s not enough to make things exciting, this film also features David Hasselhoff with a light saber!

There’s no point in denying that Starcrash would never have been made if not for the success of the first Star Wars. Indeed, the film even begins with an opening crawl and features a shot that is almost a recreation of the first scene in Star Wars. However, director Luigi Cozzi doesn’t limit himself to just mining Star Wars for inspiration. The giant tin robot owes a huge debt to the creations of Ray Harryhausen. The judge that sentences Stella and Akton to prison is the same talking head that appeared in Invaders From Mars. A scene in which Stella explores an abandoned spaceship owes more than a little to 2001: A Space Odyssey. Even Akton, with his telepathic powers, seems like he could have stepped out of an episode of Star Trek.

Starcrash makes no secret of its influences but it’s such an energetic and good-natured film that all of the borrowing feels like like a rip-off and more like a very affectionate homage. It’s obvious that director Luigi Cozzi loved the films from which he borrowed and that love is present in every frame of Starcrash. Starcrash is a fast-paced space adventure and it’s a lot of fun. It’s certainly more fun than any of the recent entries in the Star Wars franchise. Working with a low-budget, an energetic cast, and some surprisingly creative special effects, Cozzi crafts a genuinely entertaining movie. Marjoe Gortner was never better than he was in Starcrash. Christopher Plummer, to his credit, brings a truly noble bearing to the role of the Emperor. Joe Spinell obviously understood that his role didn’t require subtlety and he delivers all of his lines like a villain in an old time serial. As for David Hasselhoff …. he’s the Hoff and he brings his trademark earnestness to the role of Simon. Starcrash is the best film that Cozzi ever directed.

A good deal of the success of Starcrash is due to Caroline Munro, who gives such a committed and likable performance as Stella Starr that it’s hard not to mourn the fact that Cozzi was never able to make any more films about the character. As played by Munro, Stella Starr is a smart, confident, and strong. Stella loves doing what she does and it’s impossible not share her joy when she announces she’s taking the ship into “hyperspace.” Even though Stella spends the majority of the film running around in a leather bikini, Munro brings a definite touch of class to the role. No one is going to push Stella Starr around and certainly, no one is going to destroy the Galaxy on her watch. Thank to Caroline Munro’s fearless performance, Starcrash is one of the most empowering science fictions ever made.

Starcrash ends with hints of a possible sequel but sadly, there never came to be. (Not surprisingly, there was an unrelated film that was advertised as being a sequel but which was actually just a softcore science fiction version of Lady Chatterley’s Lover.) It’s a shame. Stella Starr definitely deserved to have many more adventures.

6 Things That I’m Looking Forward To In January

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s January!

Traditionally, as far as pop culture goes, January doesn’t get much respect. If a studio has a film that they knew isn’t going to be a hit with critics or audiences, January is where they usually dump it with the full knowledge that, as bad as it is, everyone will have forgotten about it by the time summer rolls around. The same can often be said of publishers. With everyone busy getting caught up on what they missed during the last few months of the previous year, chances are that they won’t notice a few bombs dropped on the cultural landscape. That’s the theory anyways.

But, you know me! I’m an optimist. And I remain convinced that, even in January, there are things to which we can look forward, And here’s six of those things!

(Why six? Because Lisa Marie doesn’t do odd numbers!)

The Oscars

Yes, it’s that time of year! The Oscar nominations are going to be announced on January 17th! That’s two and a half weeks from now! Obviously, I’ve got quite a bit that I still need to watch. Wish me luck!

2. Sundance Film Festival

The first big film festival of the year opens on January 23rd. Which films will emerge as Oscar contenders from this year’s festival? It’s also possible that this year’s Sundance could be the last to be held in the snowy mountains of Utah. If Sundance does move to either Boulder or Cincinnati, this year’s festival will indeed be the end of an era. (Quite frankly, it’s hard for me to imagine a Sundance Film Festival without snow.)

3. Wolf Man

Directed by Leigh Whannell, the latest version of the Wolf Man will be released on January 17th. Will this Wolf Man be as full of self-pity as Lon Chaney Jr’s version was? We’ll find out!

4, Presence

As a filmmaker, Steven Soderbergh can be hit-or-miss. He’s directed some truly brilliant films. He’s also directed some rather pretentious dreck. His latest film, Presence, appears to be a horror film but, knowing Soderbergh, there will probably be some twist that will annoy me to no end. That said, the film stars Lucy Liu and she’s someone who definitely deserves to make a comeback. The film is due to be released on the 24th and I’m hoping for the best!

5. Screamboat

This is apparently a horror version of Steamboat Willie. This movie is probably going to suck but I’m just curious to see whether it’s going to be merely forgettable or a full-on disaster. Screamboat is destined to ruin some childhood memories on January 24th. Normally, I’d assign Case to check this out for us but I don’t think he’s forgiven me for making him watch Escape From Tomorrow.

6. Back In Action

Cameron Diaz came out of retirement to star in this action comedy. The script must have been really amazing, right? Uhmm….right? We’ll find out when the film is released on January 17th.

What are you looking forward to in January? Let us know in the comments!

THE MECHANIC (1972) – Celebrate the New Year with one of Charles Bronson’s most iconic roles!

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Bradley Crain

THE MECHANIC features an iconic performance by Charles Bronson, a performance that would represent a blueprint for the type of character he would play in many films…the strong, silent, unstoppable, man of action. Bronson plays Arthur Bishop, a hit man with a gift for planning and executing his hits in a way that make the deaths look like natural deaths rather than murders. Facing health issues and loneliness, he takes on a young protégé named Steve McKenna, played by Jan-Michael Vincent. This upsets his bosses in the underworld because he takes on the apprentice without asking them. Will they allow him to train up this new protégé and complete tag team hits going forward, or will they decide that Bishop is no longer worth the risk?

I’ll start off by stating up front that I love THE MECHANIC. The first Charles Bronson movie I ever owned on VHS was a nearly unwatchable, 2^nd hand version of the film, but I still tried to watch it. The first Charles Bronson movie I ever saw on the big screen was a beautiful 35mm print of the film at the Mahoning Drive-in theater in Lehighton, PA. I also believe that this film has the best ending of any Charles Bronson film. Needless to say, the following review will be full of praise, so if you’re looking for a real critical take on the piece, this is probably not the place to look!

To start off, THE MECHANIC has a uniquely amazing opening sequence. The first 16 minutes of the film features hitman Bishop going through the mundane tasks of setting up a hit. We watch him set up shop across the street from the mark, we watch him break into the mark’s apartment to rig the things needed to accomplish the hit, we watch him squeeze a wax ball, etc. Bishop speaks no dialogue during these 16 minutes, and the only things we hear are the sounds of the soundtrack and the street. Bronson’s unique screen presence makes it mesmerizing. Could you imagine an action film trying this strategy in this day and age?

Once Bishop has successfully completed the first hit, we’re introduced to Bishop’s world outside of what we’d observed during the opening sequence. We meet Harry McKenna (Keenan Wynn), the “uncle-like” figure who has gotten himself in trouble with the organization. We’re not surprised who’s given the job to eliminate this problem. We meet Harry’s son Steve (Jan-Michael Vincent) who hits it off with Bishop at the funeral where their relationship really begins. On a side note, the film’s script featured these two characters as gay men, and the sexuality element was going to be a major way that Steve would get close enough to Bishop to gain his trust. That part of the script was changed to get Bronson and secure financing for the film. Since that element is not part of the movie I’ll move on. We meet a prostitute (Jill Ireland) who’s visited by Bishop. This is a very interesting scene that gives us a strong insight into just how lonely Bishop is and also helps us understand why he’s open to the idea of bringing on an apprentice. I think Jill Ireland is quite effective in her one scene.

Once the various characters are introduced, the film settles nicely into a mentoring relationship between Bishop & Steve. The experienced hitman shares his knowledge, and we follow along with them as they complete various assignments. The movie seems most interested in the relationship between the men, but this is an action movie, so we have a couple of very solid action sequences in the middle portion of the film, as well as the end. Director Michael Winner, who directed Charles Bronson in six different films, stages these sequences extremely well, especially the sequence that ends the film in Naples, Italy. We see necks snapped. We see faces knuckle punched. We see a motorcycle chase ending with a motorcycle flying off a cliff and exploding into a ball of flames upon impact. We see boats exploding. We see Bronson using my favorite weapon, the pump shotgun, with expert precision. We see cars chasing each other along the Italian coast. We see bombs being dropped out of moving cars with precision timing to blow up the cars behind them. We even see a bulldozer pushing a moving car off the side of a cliff. It’s some amazing stuff, with Bronson & Vincent appearing quite badass at times. And then the ending, the ending that proves just how awesome Bishop truly is! I won’t say anymore about that. Just watch and enjoy!

**BONUS CONTENT** – We dedicated an episode of the “This Week in Charles Bronson” podcast to THE MECHANIC. It was one of the most enjoyable episodes for me to record. If you’re interested in learning more about the film from a group of guys who love Charles Bronson, give it a listen!

Lisa Marie’s First Review of 2025: Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (dir by Irwin Allen)

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On New Year’s Eve in 1972, a tragedy struck in the Aegean Sea. Just as the clock hit midnight and its passengers wished each other a happy new year, the cruise ship Poseidon was capsized by a tidal wave. The majority of the ship’s crew and passengers were killed in the disaster but a small group managed to climb up through the wreckage and make their way to the ship’s hull, where they were rescued. Gene Hackman sacrificed his life so that Ernest Borgnine, Red Buttons, Jack Albertson, Carol Lynley, and Pamela Sue Martin could all survive.

We all know the story of The Poseidon Adventure and some of us have even been goaded by our sisters into singing There’s Got To Be A Morning After for karaoke night at Grandpa Tony’s. (Grandpa Tony’s has since shut down but, for a while, it was the best place in Dallas for nachos and karaoke.) But do you know the story of what happened after that initial group of survivors was rescued from the ship? Have you gone Beyond The Poseidon Adventure?

First released in 1979, Beyond The Poseidon Adventure picks up directly from where the first film ended. Mere minutes after the rescue helicopter flies off, a tugboat pulls up alongside the still capsized wreck of the Poseidon. Needing money to pay off his debts, Captain Mike Turner (Michael Caine) has decided to declare salvage rights and claim all of the cash and jewelry that he can find in the wreckage. Accompanying him is his mentor Dead Meat (Karl Malden) and his protegee, Annoying and Cutesy (Sally Field). Actually, Dead Meat is named Wilbur but, as soon as Karl Malden starts to dramatically grab at his chest, viewers will know that he’s destined to heroically sacrifice himself. Annoying and Cutesy’s real name is Celeste. Sally Field gives perhaps the worst performance of her career as the almost always perky Celeste. This movie came out the same year that Sally Field appeared in the film for which she won her first Oscar, Norma Rae. I have to imagine that Field was happy to win that Oscar because it meant she would never have to do another film like Beyond The Poseidon Adventure.

Before the tugboat crew can begin to explore the Poseidon, another boat shows up. This boat is captained by Stefan Svevo (Telly Savalas), who claims to be a doctor who is responding to an S.O.S. from the capsized ship. Svevo and his crew insist on accompanying the tugboat crew into the Poseidon. It’s obvious from the start that Svevo is not actually a benevolent doctor. For one thing, the men accompanying him are armed. For another thing, he’s played by veteran screen villain Telly Savalas.

The two crews finally enter the ship and …. hey, there’s even more people on the boat! At the end of The Poseidon Adventure, we were told that only six people had survived the disaster but apparently, that was just a damn lie. The ship is literally crawling with people who still haven’t gotten out. (Why didn’t the people who rescued the first batch of survivors check to make sure that they had gotten everyone?) There’s Tex (Slim Pickens), who says he’s from “Big D” and talks about how he owns an oil well (as we all do in Big D). There’s Frank Mazzetti (Peter Boyle, basically playing the same loudmouth that Ernest Borgnine played in the first film) and his daughter Theresa (Angela Cartwright) and Theresa’s new boyfriend, Larry (Mark Harmon). There’s a nurse (Shirley Jones) and a blind man (Jack Warden) and his wife (Shirley Knight). There’s Susanne (Veronica Hamel), the cool femme fatale who has a connection to Svevo.

While Svevo searches for a crate of plutonium (what the Hell was that doing on the Poseidon?), Mike tries to get the survivors to safety. That means once again climbing up to the hull while the ship shakes and the engines continue to explode. Both the first film and the sequel feature the exact same footage of the engines exploding. At this rate, I guess the Poseidon might finally sink sometime this year.

Directed by Irwin Allen (who produced the first film), Beyond The Poseidon Adventure is about as bad as a film could be. The first film had plenty of silly moments but it also had the entertaining spectacle of Gene Hackman and Ernest Borgnine competing to see who could yell the loudest. Beyond the Poseidon Adventure has Michael Caine and Telly Savalas both looking bored while Peter Boyle complains, “That was the worst New Year’s Party I’ve ever been to!” and Sally Field says stuff like, “I’ve been to Anzio! It’s the pits!” At one point, Slim Pickens says that he’s as phony as a three dollar bill. The same could be said of this film. Beyond The Poseidon Adventure looks and feels cheap and generates none of the suspense of the first film.

As Beyond The Poseidon Adventure ended, I found myself worrying that there might be other passengers still stuck on the ship. I mean, apparently, it’s very easy to not only survive on a capsized cruise ship but also to be overlooked by professional rescue crews. Unfortunately, there was not another sequel so those folks were just out of luck.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special New Year’s Edition

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking.

Happy New Year’s Day! Did you have as wonderful a celebration as the characters featured in today’s special edition of 4 Shots From 4 Films?

4 Shots From 4 Films

The Poseidon Adventure (1972, dir by Ronald Neame, DP: Harold E. Stine)

The Godfather Part II (1974, dir by Francis Ford Coppola, DP: Gordon Willis)

New Year’s Evil (1980, dir by Emmett Alston, DP: Edward Thomas)

Once Upon A Time In America (1984, dir by Sergio Leone, DP: Tonino Delli Colli)

Scenes That I Love: A New Year In Strange Days

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Strange Days (1995, dir by Kathryn Bigelow, DP: Matthew F. Leonetti)

2025’s first scene that I love comes to us from a film that was released 30 years ago. With its portrayal of a society desperately looking for both meaning and sensation in an increasingly digitized and detached world, Kathryn Bigelow’s Strange Days predicted the future and it has continued to find new fans and admirers despite having been a box office disappointment when it was originally released.

In this scene, Ralph Fiennes and Angela Bassett bring in the new year with the knowledge that they have many more strange days ahead of them.

As do we all.

(It’s always somewhat jarring to see a science fiction film that is set in what is now the past. Welcome to 2000! That said, Strange Days did a very good job of predicting where the world was heading.)

Artwork of the Day: Hope

Posted on January 1, 2025 by Dazzling Erin

by Erin Nicole

Happy New Year, friends.

Fighting, By Case Wright

Posted on January 1, 2025 by casewright

I had a man pinned down with his face pressed against the asphalt at a barbecue in Georgetown, Washington D.C. – July, 2007 and I was about to spank him in front of 45 people.

EARLIER….

Georgetown in July and August is like living inside of Vick’s Vaporizer with the swamp gas rising in the morning. When you think of D.C., you might think of the Washington Monument, museums, and overly horny politicians, BUT there is another side to the city and it is swampy and forested and that is where Washingtonians live. In fact, every neighborhood in DC looks more like the forest is trying to take the neighborhood back to when the World was young. Georgetown is even more like this because it is rife with ravines, towpaths, canals, and apartment buildings where the back doors look like they open to magical forests.

My apartment building was painted brick in the front and had a backyard area for garbage, barbecues, and a 50 yard long sloped driveway that fed all the way down to the towpath canal. The area was choked with trees and life. During cicada season, you could not see the ground and only heard the satisfying crunches as you made your way to the buses to take you downtown to make your living. I grew up not far from Georgetown and the memories were fresh and remain so today. The memories of my father were with me too- they were etched forever on my forehead, chin, back, and arms.

There had been a bad storm the week before and the city had lost power. I unfortunately had bought an entire month’s worth of beef, chicken, and pork. Without refrigeration, it was all going to spoil; so, I decided to have a barbecue for my entire building and feed the multitudes. People brought beer and wine and, as always, there was a group of people who snuck off to blow weed behind the oak trees. I semi-recognized everyone, but I didn’t know their names.
I was chatting with my neighbors and there was a girl about 25 feet away from our conversation. She was from a floor or two above me and she looked like the central casting version of a brown-haired sorority girl and she was beginning to scream at a man I did not recognize. It was then that another storm had come to D.C.- a hurricane – and it had my name.

I was upon them both in a moment and to this day I don’t remember the 25 feet I crossed to get to them. I found out later that as they started arguing, my face went blank as I went to them. I saw him grabbing her breasts and she yelled and hit his hands. I did not know if they were there together or not; so, I asked her:
“Do you need help?”
She was agitated and said, “Yes, Please.”
The distress, pleading, and humiliation on her face filled me with a distilled cold rage that I hadn’t felt since I saw my mother’s helpless face after my father had lost his temper- again.

He tried to get out a whole sentence:
“So what are you gonna do Faaaggo…..”

Too late, I had him already off his feet and arching through the air in a controlled body slam crash! He was no weakling; he was at least 5 feet 9 inches and worked out, but I’m a 200 pound Dago and bench press 250 Lbs. with ease. Important side note: If you’re gonna fight, fight. If you’re gonna shoot, shoot. AND if you’re gonna bodyslam a man into Georgetown’s finest asphalt – YOU JUST DO IT – NO TALKING. The air left his lungs. He was lucky his mouth didn’t make contact with the ground or the dental bills would’ve been immense. The 45 people at the barbecue went silent and stared agape at me and this subjugated man.

He tried to speak….”Fuck you…Faaaago….”
“Shhhhh….” I said as I chicken-winged his right arm with my right and used my left hand to push down on the side of his face slowly turning it so the sharp pebbles began to dig into the left side of his face.
“UGGHHHHHH…” He moaned.
“Shhhhh…” I said shaking my head like a didactic parent.

His right eye strained to its corner to look up at me.
“I’m going to let you go, but you are going to apologize to her (I turned my head to his victim), everyone here, leave and you will never return.” I said.
The girl stood up, took a breath, crossed her arms, and waited for his apology.
I turned his head so I could speak clearly.
“Fuck you….Whore!” He said.
The crowd made a collective wincing – “Ooooooh”
The Hurricane arrived.

In a split second, I decided his punishment with this logic: Blood for blood, pain for pain, and in his case: humiliation for humiliation.
“I’m gonna do what your Daddy shoulda done. I’m gonna take your pants down and spank your bare ass purple!” I said.
He began to studder.
“Y-y-y-y-y-y-you… w-w-w-w-w-w wouldn’t.” he said.
“Yes, I will.” I replied.
Everything was silent. There was no breathing, no crickets, no cicadas, no wind – just the rapt silence of the crowd and the forest herself.
I moved my knee to his back and brought my left hand to the waistband of his khaki shorts as I continued to use my right hand to keep pressing his face into the asphalt.
I grabbed his waistband firmly and gave it a shake before doing my windup.
Everyone inhaled with a collective gasp.
The eye of the Hurricane was directly overhead.
I began my wind up…..
“W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-wait….” He begged.
I paused.
“Ok.”
He tried to bring air into his lungs. His right eye looked at his victim-
“I-I-I’m s-s-s-sorry I grabbed your titties.”
“And?” I asked firmly.
“A-a-and I’m s-s-s-sorry to all of you and I’ll never come back.” He said.
His eye looked at me and everyone else’s eyes looked at me, but they were all looking at the wrong person for the judgement. If they had looked at the right person, it would’ve never happened in the first place.
My head turned and I looked directly at Her.
Soon, everyone turned to look at her too.
My face was passive and I looked at her with my Italian inquisitive eyebrows and then I looked down briefly at him. His eye had welled with tears as his eye met with hers. My eyes returned to her.
She held his fate with the power of the Ancient Queens. She was biting her bottom lip and moving her eyes around with what I was sure was the same expression she had when she took the SATs.
The Queen gave a brief nod. I returned it.
In one fluid motion, I had him on his feet and gave him a shove to his back. He stumbled then broke out to a full-on sprint. He got 30 yards away and turned back and shouted:
“Fuck you, faaago..”
I started to move towards him to finish my work and he bolted.
The Hurricane had passed. I made a brief sigh, went over to the picnic table, and pointed to the 2-liter Coke and a man met my gaze with his hand gesture saying – Sure– ALL YOURS!
I nodded at him, poured, took a swig, got up and went to the door. It was heavy and slammed behind me.
I waited a moment and then, I heard –
“Did that just fucking happen?!”
I shrugged, went back to my apartment, and went to bed.