Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.6 “Where’s The Rest Of Me?”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991.  The entire show is streaming on Youtube.

This week, Monsters makes the mistake of getting political.

Episode 1.6 “Where’s The Rest Of Me?”

(Dir by Richard Benner, originally aired on November 26th, 1988)

On a Caribbean island, Dr. Wingite (Meat Loaf) is throwing a small party in his mansion/laboratory.  Attending the party is a football player named Joe (Franco Harris).  Dr. Wingite gave Joe a new knee and, as a result, Joe is having his best season ever.  Also at the party is a singer named Regina (played by Black-Eyed Susan).  Regina was losing her voice until Dr. Wingite gave her new vocal cords.  And finally, there’s a businessman named J.J. Marshall (Drew Eliot), who wants to develop the island by building a shopping mall.  J.J. was losing his eyesight until Dr. Wingite gave him new eyes.

As Wingite and his patients drink wine and talk about their greedy plans for the future, revolutionaries are firing guns and shouting outside.  The government is not popular and neither is Dr. Wingite, who is not only a mad scientist but also the government’s chief executioner.

Wingite takes his guests down to his lab, where they see Adam (Frank Tarsia).  Wingite explains that Adam was a rebel who was due to be executed.  Wingite, however, put him in a coma and the doctor has been giving away his body parts.  J.J. has Adam’s eyes.  Regina has Adam’s vocal cords.  Joe has Adam’s knee.  Adam is kept alive with machines but when Joe and Regina accidentally spill a beaker of liquid into Adam’s feed tube, Adam wakes up and comes back to life.  Adam stalks the guests through the mansion, determined ro regain his missing body parts.

Eh.  This episode was …. well, it was pretty bad.  The political subtext was pretty heavy-handed, with J.J. loudly declaring that Wingite’s experiments are “free enterprise!” and Adam shouting “Viva la revolution” as he seeks revenge on the doctor and his wealthy guests.  It had all the depth and the nuance of an essay written by a college freshmen who is convinced that he’s an expert on Marx because he took one class on him. I’m surprised that the episode didn’t feature Fidel Castro parachuting in to rescue Adam or maybe an appearance by the ghost of that bourgeois phony, Che Guevara.

Beyond the superficial political subtext, this episode suffered from some truly terrible acting.  Meat Loaf is totally miscast as a mad scientist and seeing that Dr. Wingite was obviously based on South America-based Nazi war criminals like Klaus Barbie and Josef Mengele, you have to wonder what led the show’s director to think, “This is a perfect role for a kind of goofy singer!”  From what I understand, Franco Harris was an actual football player and his performance makes the basketball players who appeared on Hang Time seem expressive by comparison.  The rest of the cast is neither as miscast as Meat Loaf nor as downright bad as Franco Harris but still, no one makes much of an impression.

This was a disappointing episode.  Sometimes, it’s best to avoid politics.

Film Review: Pain Hustlers (dir by David Yates)


I had high hopes for Pain Hustlers, largely because it featured some of my favorite actors and actresses.  Chris Evans, Emily Blunt, Andy Garcia …. how can you go wrong with that cast, right?

Unfortunately, when I watched the film, it only took a few minutes for me to lose interest.  The film opens with black-and-white interview clips of Liza Drake (Emily Blunt) and Pete Brenner (Chris Evans), in which they both claim to be the only one who can tell the true story of how a failing pharmaceutical firm became a powerhouse by bribing doctor to prescribe Fentanyl.  For lack of a better term, I refer to this as the I, Tonya approach though it perhaps would be better to name it after director Adam McKay, whose superficial but slickly made films are often mistaken for being important political statements.  It’s a style of filmmaking that may have once been exciting but now, it’s so overused that it’s come to feel a bit like a cliché.

As for the film itself, it opens with Liza working as an exotic dancer and living in a run-down motel with her daughter, Phoebe (Chloe Coleman).  A chance meeting with pharmaceutical salesman Pete Brenner leads to Liza getting a job as a sales rep despite the fact that she’s a high school drop-out who previously served time in jail for drug trafficking.  (Pete writes up a fake resume for her and lists her as being PHD, which Pete says stands for, “poor, hungry, and desperate.”)  After a rocky start, Liza is able to convince Dr. Lydell (Brian D’Arcy James) to start prescribing a powerful painkiller that was developed for cancer patients.  Of course, people get addicted to the drug and many overdose but it doesn’t matter because Liza, Pete, and Dr. Lydell are all getting rich.  The unstable head of the company, Dr. Jack Neel (Andy Garcia), is happy as long as the money keeps rolling in and as long as everyone takes off their shoes at work because he’s worried about the floors getting dirty.

As I said at the start of the review, the film attempts to take an I, Tonya-style approach to the material, mixing conflicting narrators with moments of dark humor and sudden melodrama.  Unfortunately, David Yates is exactly the wrong director for this film.  Yates is best-known for his work with the Harry Potter franchise.  Yates did a wonderful job directing the last few of the Harry Potter films but, as a director, his tendency is to be a crowd-pleaser and Pain Hustlers fails precisely because Yates always pulls back before the film can get too dark or subversive.  This is the type of film where, during the final fourth of the film, everyone starts acting in ways totally contrary to everything we’ve previously learned and seen about them so that the film can end on a traditional note of good vs evil.  Watching previously amoral characters suddenly and unconvincingly developed a conscience, I found myself thinking about Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street.  One reason why The Wolf of Wall Street worked is because Jordan Belfort remained an unrepentant crook through the entire film, even after all of his schemes fell apart.  Scorsese has the courage to the let the audience make up their own mind about Belfort.  Scorsese understood that suddenly having Belfort (or Henry Hill in Goodfellas or Ace Rothstein in Casino) develop a sense of right and wrong would not only feel unnatural to the character but it would also undercut the effectiveness of the story he was trying to tell.  For lack of a better term, it would feel fake.  It would feel like pandering to those who demands a cut-and-dried, easy-to-digest message.  That’s a lesson that Pain Hustlers missed, to its detriment.

It’s just not a very good film, which is a shame when you consider the amount of talent involved.  Of the cast, Chris Evans is the only one who really makes much of an impression, playing Pete as someone who might not be smart but who definitely understands how to charm enough people to get by.  Poor Emily Blunt is sabotaged by an inconsistent script while Andy Garcia is pretty much wasted as Dr. Neel.  Seriously, can we make an effort to write more decent roles for Andy Garcia?  He’s such a good actor and he keeps getting wasted in these small, pointless roles!

Pain Hustlers was a disappointment for me.  It happens.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.15 “The Harder They Fall/The Spider Serenade/Next Door Wife”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher falls in love.  Yes, Gopher.

Episode 3.15 “The Harder They Fall/The Spider Serenade/Next Door Wife”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 8th, 1979)

After three seasons of being goofy comedic relief, Gopher finally got his heart broken in this episode.  He fell in love with a passenger named Claire Dalrymple (Jill St. John), who is on the boat by herself because she has recently separated from her husband, Nelson (Robert Sampson).  And Claire eventually fell in love with Gopher, especially after he dressed up like a mariachi singer and serenaded her with a song about the time that she asked him to kill a spider that was in her cabin.  This time, it was Gopher who ended up waking up in a cabin with a passenger.

(I’m sure some would say it was a bit unrealistic that Claire, upon seeing a spider in her cabin, would run out into the hallway, screaming while wearing only a towel.  I’ve done the exact same thing at a hotel because spiders are scary!)

But does Claire really love Gopher or if she just looking for someone to feel the void left by her separation.  When her husband shows up on the boat, he turns out to be a pretty reasonable and polite guy.  He tells Gopher that, while Gopher can give Claire anything she wants at sea, Nelson can give her everything she needs on land.  Is Nelson suggesting some sort of special arrangement here?  Well, if he is, it totally goes over Gopher’s head.  At the end of the cruise, Claire decides to leave with Nelson and Gopher can only sadly watch as she leaves.

Awwwwwww!  Poor Gopher!

It’s kind of weird to see Gopher in a sad story.  That’s not the fault of Fred Grandy, who always likable and did a pretty good job with the role.  Instead, it’s just that Gopher is such a goofy character that it takes a bit of adjustment to suddenly see him being sincere.  His storyline here worked well-enough, once you got used to the idea of Gopher being serious.  If anything, Gopher was so sad by the end of it that it suddenly made sense why he’s always telling jokes and trying to avoid any sort of emotional commitment.  He’s hurting inside!

The other two storylines were goofy enough to make up for Gopher’s serious turn.  Chet Hanson (James McArthur) is on the cruise with his girlfriend, Kim (Susan Buckner).  Chet’s wife, Carol, (Joanna Pettet) also shows up on the cruise and gives Chet the papers to sign for their divorce.  Chet and Carol are fairly friendly for a divorcing couple but Chet is still upset when Carol buys a ticket for the cruise and ends up staying in the cabin across the hall from him and Kim.  Soon, Carol is stopping by constantly and telling Chet about a man that she’s been flirting with.  Eventually, Chet realizes that he doesn’t want to get a divorce and he and Carol get back together.  That really sucks for Kim, who is surprisingly tolerant of being followed around by her boyfriend’s wife.  This storyline really did leave a sour aftertaste.  Chet was a jerk and Kim deserved better.

Finally, Ed “Flash” Taylor (Milton Berle) and Jack McTigue (Alan Hale, Jr.) were both boxers in their youth.  They fought one legendary fight, in which they not only beat the Hell out of each other but also knocked out the referee.  Now, they are both cruise line executives and they both end up on their boat at the same time.  As soon as they see each other, their rivalry reignites and they prepare for a rematch on the boat.  When Captain Stubing tries to stop the fight, he is accidentally knocked out by the two boxers.  Somehow, this leads to peace between Ed and Jack and not to Captain Stubing suing his bosses for punching him.  Seriously, the Love Boat is floating HR nightmare.

This was an okay episode, largely due to Gopher’s unexpectedly sad story.  The other two stories were just goofy but, when it comes to The Love Boat, the goofiness is the point.

Music Video of the Day: Hold On Tight by Electric Light Orchestra (1981, directed by Mike Mansfield)


At the time it was released, this video was the most expensive music video ever filmed.  It was estimated to have cost £40,000, with the majority of the money going to recreating scenes from 1940s serials.

Director Mike Mansfield also did videos for Kim Wilde, Ozzy Osbourne, The Cure, The Moody Blues, and almost every other prominent British band of the early 80s.

Enjoy!