07 | November | 2016 | Through the Shattered Lens

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There are times in a person’s life that test your very ability to function: Boot camp, the death of a loved one, and watching Channel Zero. There are things that are entertaining to my Gentle Readers because they are shared fun like when I review Stranger Things, Halloween H2O, 28 Days Later, or People of Earth, but I know there’s another kind of fun – a darker fun … AKA Schadenfreude like when I watch/review Halloween Resurrection, but this is so painful. When you read the review of this show, you know I had to do three things: 1) watch it, 2) think about it, and 3) write about it; none of these things are short of misery. However Friday, I get a tooth extraction…so that’s a big step up! When I write that this show is the worst steaming pile of shit ever to be splatted on our cathode ray tubes and you think I’m being unfair, Listen – There’s WHOLE scenes featuring Paper Mache and I don’t mean just a couple either.

Opening: 1988 Eddie or Mike is drawing Bones; they’re twins so big deal. Draw whatever you want!

The Creepiest Children’s Hospital:

Jess is walking with her stabbed son to visit his sister Stabbypants and stops to look at the candle cove crayon drawings, but she did that in the last episode. Maybe she’s trying to become a curator 0r docent of creepy hospital crayon art? They visit his sister and tell her, “We’re not mad at you.” REALLY?! I put my daughters in timeout for just using “hurting hands”. JESS- WORST MOM EVER! I’m judging you Jess! YOU’VE BEEN JUDGED! Stabbed Son secrets Stabbypants a tooth.

Jess visits her vigilante husband. He has her get his gun for protection.

Mike calls his wife. She’s in Seattle and he tells her that their daughter appeared at his Mom’s house out of nowhere from several hundred miles away and he seems genuinely surprised that she wants to come over there. REALLY?! WORD?! Oh God, Oh God, There’s so much more to go!

Amy is in her office and stares at the weirdest gift ever- a pot of mushrooms. This mystery is solved by Dork Deputy who explains that he grew them for her and asks her out and is turned down. I can’t see why this didn’t work! I mean … we all know… Every girl crazy ’bout a Mushroom Man! [sung as ZZ Top].

Flashback: Jess and Mike were a kid couple. Eddie’s jealous. That’s it.

Marla’s house: We learn by a lot of telling that Lily- Mike’s Daughter- is possessed by Eddie. Brightside: This creates a twofer for Thanksgiving – Lily/Eddie!!! Lily pulls out a pirate doll from Mike’s past.

Lily’s Dream sequence: It’s paper mache of a rabbit’s face. No… Really, this scene featuring Paper Mache was done on purpose.

Mike talks to Lily/Eddie. She says that it’s ok that he stabbed him, meaning Mike stabbing Eddie with a hook. And, why shouldn’t he be?! Everyone else on this dumbass show is very permissive with stabbings.

We cut to his plan: Mike believes that if he steals Eddie’s body and cremates it, Eddie will rest. Then, we see more images of a Paper Mache rabbit person trying to be silly. Sorry, I only assumed silly because it looked so stupid. Fuck, More Paper Mache!!! Was there a sale at Joanne’s?!

Amy goes to the school to talk to the creepy kids she saw acting out a stabbing. Tooth Teacher stymies her at every turn. Finally, Amy tracks down the kids. They are acting out some of Candle Cove and for the win what are the kids dress up in? If you said, “Shitty Paper Mache!”, you win! If you got that right, there’s a slight chance that you watched this crapfest and shall always be my brother in pain. The kids all speak in a monotone to give that full-on Paper Mache of the Damned vibe.

Mike and Jess go to the morgue and get Eddie’s body. This was really easy for them. They must have a Take a Body Leave a Body Policy.

Mike and Jess burn Eddie’s body.

Amy decides for some reason that she wants to pork Dork Deputy. Why? Who knows. Then, she leaves and goes to Tooth Teacher’s house, breaks in, and finds the body of random lady that the lady Tooth Lady killed in the last episode.

Jess goes home and the Paper Mache of the Damned kid crew attack her and stab her to death, realizing their rehearsal that the Deputy saw in the previous episode.

The episode ends with Lily being Lily again.

Roll Credits! Next Week on Channel Zero: SPOOKY DECOUPAGE!!!

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Why didn’t they use this paper mache?

joanne

Well, you probably all knew this was coming. It was a no-brainer. I had this picked out many months ago. It has nothing to do with Twitter going down last night amidst that Wikileaks dump or anything like that. I’m young enough to have only taken part in five US presidential elections, but have been around for numerous other ones. I can’t remember a more vicious one than the one currently coming to what may or may not be its’ end.

What can I say about this music video that it doesn’t already do an excellent job of getting across to the viewer? The version below is even more graphic than the one above. From what I understand, it is closer to the way the song was originally released. Neither of them pull any punches, so be forewarned.

The directors of the music video are Godley & Creme AKA Kevin Godley and Lol Creme. I knew of them as musicians, but didn’t know they directed music videos. They are probably best known for their song Cry, and the great music video that goes with it. What you might not know is that because of them, this music video has ties to Guardians of the Galaxy (2014). Godley & Creme were once part of a group called 10cc. One of their big hit songs was I’m Not In Love. That’s the song Peter Quill is listening to in the hospital at the beginning of the film. That also means Disney is just a couple of degrees of separation from a music video where Ronald Reagan bites Konstantin Chernenko’s ear in a wrestling match. I love connections. I also love that after tomorrow’s really obvious song for Election Day, I can return to writing about some lighter music videos for awhile.

There’s nothing more I want to say. Enjoy!