Guilty Pleasure No. 28: Swimfan (dir by John Polson)


Oh my God, y’all — Swimfan was on last night!

Do you remember Swimfan?  It originally came out in 2002 and it starred Jesse Bradford, the hot guy from Bring It On, and Erika Christensen, the drug addicted runaway from Traffic.  The movie is like a high school version of Fatal Attraction.  Jesse swims for the high school swim team.  Erika is a psycho stalker who is obsessed with swimmers.  Chaos follows.

I was on a high school date when I first saw Swimfan.  Fortunately, the movie offered up some very important life lessons.

Probably the film’s most important lesson was that you should always put out because, if you don’t, your dumbass boyfriend is going to end up cheating on you with some psycho bitch who is going to go all obsessive on his ass and end up framing him for murder.  When Swimfan starts, Ben (Jesse Bradford!) is dating Amy (Shiri Appleby) and they’re a cute couple but Amy is more into studying and planning for the future than in having sex with Ben.

So, of course, Ben ends up cheating on her with the new girl at school, Madison Bell (Erika Christensen).  He does this despite the fact that Madison is obviously unbalanced from the minute that he meets her, has a major case of the crazy eyes, and tends to come across as being a little bit robotic.  It’s only one night and Ben says that he feels terrible about it but Madison still decides that Ben is her man now.

It all leads to this scene:

(I have to admit that the artful placement of the camera in this scene makes me laugh every time.  The filmmakers were obviously really determined to get that PG-13 rating.  Also, just a little tip — if you’re taking nudes for your man, try smiling.)

When Ben keeps rejecting her, Madison conspires to get him kicked off the swim team.  She also kills the swimmer who takes Ben’s place on the team and frames Ben for the crime.  (The exact same thing happened to Michael Phelps but you never hear about it because all the media wants to talk about is that time he got his picture taken at that party.)  And then she tries to kill Amy and, the movie tells us, this all could have been avoided if only Amy hadn’t spent so much time worrying about which college to go to.  Keep your man happy, girls, the movie tells us, or be prepared to deal with the consequences. Boys will be boys!

The other life lesson is that you should really learn how to swim.  Since this movie is called Swimfan and it features a gigantic subplot about swimming, you can already guess that it’s all going to end with a big fight in a pool.  Ben can swim.  Madison and Amy can’t.  Can you guess what happens?  Watching Swimfan last night reminded me that I still need to learn how to swim.  Thank you, Swimfan!

Anyway, Swimfan is definitely a guilty pleasure.  I mean, if you want to get technical about it, this is a really, really bad movie.  The plot is derivative of every single stalker thriller that you’ve ever seen.  Jesse Bradford is pretty good but Erika Christensen appears to be in a daze.  And yet, whenever I see that it’s on, I can’t help but watch it.  Some of it, of course, is because Swimfan appeals to the same nostalgia that still causes me to sing …Baby One More Time, at the top of my lungs, whenever I’m driving home despite the fact that Britney’s later songs are so much better.  But beyond the nostalgia appeal, Swimfan is just so ludicrous and silly and over the top.  How can you not be a fan of Swimfan?

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Previous Guilty Pleasures

  1. Half-Baked
  2. Save The Last Dance
  3. Every Rose Has Its Thorns
  4. The Jeremy Kyle Show
  5. Invasion USA
  6. The Golden Child
  7. Final Destination 2
  8. Paparazzi
  9. The Principal
  10. The Substitute
  11. Terror In The Family
  12. Pandorum
  13. Lambada
  14. Fear
  15. Cocktail
  16. Keep Off The Grass
  17. Girls, Girls, Girls
  18. Class
  19. Tart
  20. King Kong vs. Godzilla
  21. Hawk the Slayer
  22. Battle Beyond the Stars
  23. Meridian
  24. Walk of Shame
  25. From Justin To Kelly
  26. Project Greenlight
  27. Sex Decoy: Love Stings

Film Review: The Witch (dir by Robert Eggers)


The_Witch_poster

Consider this:

After causing quite a stir at the 2015 Sundance Film Festival, the horror film The Witch has finally been given a general release.  It is a genuinely creepy and thought-provoking horror film, one that works as a historical recreation (it takes place in 17th century America), a psychological thriller (you’re never sure who is allied with the witch and who isn’t), and an atmospheric horror film.  The film has been critically acclaimed and, for those who care about this sort of thing, it currently has a score of 86 over at Metacritic.  For once, I agree with most of the critics.

And yet, The Witch is underperforming at the box office.  According to Cinemascore, audiences have given The Witch an average grade of C-.

That’s sad but it’s understandable.  The Witch moves at a deliberate pace, it requires that the audience have at least a rudimentary knowledge of history, and a good deal of its horror comes less from shock and more from the anticipation of that shock.  The Witch is a very cerebral horror film and, as a result, it’s not a crowd pleaser.  It’s not for everyone.  Instead, it’s a film for discriminating horror fans like you and me.

The Witch opens with William (Ralph Ineson) and his family being kicked out of a village in New England.  William is a deeply religious man and apparently, his style of Calvinism has offended everyone else in the village.  After leaving, William and his family end up settling on a stretch of land that is right next to a dark forest.  William builds a house and a farm on the land, his wife Katherine (Kate Dickie) gives birth to a fifth child, and all seems right with their world.

Or is it?

As quickly becomes obvious, William’s family is not as content as they may originally seem to be.  His teenager daughter, Tomasin (Anya Taylor-Joy) and son, Caleb (Harvey Scrimshaw) are both struggling with the burden of growing up totally isolated from the rest of civilization.  Katherine secretly years to return home.  Twins Mercy (Ellie Grainger) and Jonas (Lucas Dawson) are both rambunctious and keep playing with an aggressive black goat that they’ve named Black Phillip.  William, himself, is struggling to make ends meet and has even resorted to secretly selling a silver cup, a present from Katherine’s mother.  The crops are dying and the farm animals are just as likely to produce blood as they are milk.

And, then, the baby disappears.  One day, while Tomasin is playing with him, something drags the baby into the woods and kills him.  At first, the family assumes that it was a wolf but we know that it was a witch.

If there’s one thing that I wish this film had done, I wish it had left it a little bit more ambiguous as to whether or not there was actually a witch out in that forest.  The Witch appears extremely early in the film.  The actress playing her, Bathsheba Garnett, has a genuinely unsettling screen presence and provides the film with one of its creepiest scenes but, at the same time, it’s hard not wonder what The Witch would have been like if the audience had been forced to wonder if there really was a witch in the forest or if the family was just being paranoid in seeking a supernatural reason for their increasingly bad luck.

And make no mistake about it, things go from bad to worse for William’s family, with William growing increasingly fanatical and all of the children accusing each other of witchcraft.

At the end of the film, we’re told that The Witch is based on historical records and that a good deal of the dialogue was lifted directly from diaries, court transcripts, and letters from the 17th Century.  The Witch does have a genuinely authentic feel to it.  At no point do you doubt that you’re watching a historically accurate recreation of the 17th century.  That accuracy works in the film’s favor, giving it an almost documentary-like feel.  At the same time, it also means that the audience has to adjust its thinking.  This is a film about people who lived in a far different culture from today and, to the film’s credit, the characters react like 17th Century Calvinists and not 21st century film goers.

In many ways, The Witch is a demanding film.  It’s not for everyone.  I enjoyed the film but, for the record, I can understand why a lot of people in the audience did not.  (And, I have to admit, that even I occasionally got frustrated with the film’s slow pace.  It pays off in the end but The Witch still demands a bit of patience.)  Though there are a few shockingly bloody scenes, The Witch is largely a mood piece.  Almost of the film’s scares come not from jump scenes but from an unrelenting atmosphere of darkness and doom.  Making his directorial debut, Robert Eggers accomplishes a lot with just a few shots of that dark forest, the trees ominously looking down on the humans who have foolishly wandered too far into the wilderness to ever come back.

It may not be for all tastes but I recommend taking a chance on The Witch.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Monty Python’s Life of Brian, Time Bandits, Mona Lisa, Track 29


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films is all about letting the visuals do the talking.

In 1978, George Harrison co-founded HandMade Films to finance Monty Python’s The Life of Brian.  The company continued to produce films through the 80s and helped to reinvigorate the British film industry.  All of the shots below come from HandMade films and credit George Harrison as executive producer.

4 Shots From 4 Films

Monty Python's The Life of Brian (1979, directed by Terry Jones)

Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979, directed by Terry Jones)

Time Bandits (1981, directed by Terry Gilliam)

Time Bandits (1981, directed by Terry Gilliam)

Mona Lisa (1986, directed by Neil Jordan)

Mona Lisa (1986, directed by Neil Jordan)

Track 29 (1988, directed by Nicolas Roeg)

Track 29 (1988, directed by Nicolas Roeg)

An Oscar Extra: THE HOLE (1962)


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Since it’s Oscar week, I thought I’d dig up something a little different. THE HOLE won the 1962 Academy Award for Best Animated Short. Made by ex-Disney animator (and creator of Mr. Magoo) John Hubley and his wife Faith, it’s a short tale of two construction workers discussing the nuclear threat (and foreign waltzes, among other things!). Voiced by actor George Mathews and jazz trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie, here’s THE HOLE:

Rebel Rebel: Paul Newman in COOL HAND LUKE (Warner Brothers 1967)


gary loggins's avatarcracked rear viewer

cool1

The Sixties was the decade of the rebellious anti-hero. The times they were a-changin’ and movies reflected the anti-establishment mood with BONNIE & CLYDE, EASY RIDER, and COOL HAND LUKE. Paul Newman starred as white-trash outsider Luke Jackson, but it was his co-star George Kennedy who took home the Oscar for his role as Dragline, the king of the cons who first despises then idolizes Luke.

War vet Luke gets busted for “malicious destruction of municipal property while drunk”, and sent to a prison farm in Florida. The non-conformist Luke butts heads with both the “bosses” (prison guards aka authority) and Dragline, a near illiterate convict who runs the yard. Dragline and Luke decide to settle their differences in a Saturday boxing match. The hulking Dragline beats the shit out of Luke, but the smaller man keeps getting up for more. Dragline finally walks away, and Luke earns both his and…

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