I’ve known about this movie for awhile now because of The Cinema Snob. I knew it was one of at least four talking vagina movies from the 1970s. MGM Impact even had a warning on it that said “Impact elements of action include: Talking Vagina Tv”. None of that really prepared me for actually watching this movie. And they should have added the boom mic as an action element in this movie. That sucker pops in all the time, and at really odd times in odd places. Well, since the movie jumps right to it, let’s jump right to it. Penelope (Candice Rialson) is lying in bed with her boyfriend when chimes ring and a voice starts talking saying it wasn’t happy with the sex it just received. Then we learn what’s making the noise.

It takes the characters way too long in this movie to realize it’s her vagina talking. Even though the sound is coming from a different place, it’s not Penelope’s voice, and sometimes people are looking directly at her face when it happens. Her boyfriend isn’t happy with the pussy talk and storms off.

Penelope works at a beauty parlor and here comes the attack of the boom mic.

It’s Rip Taylor doing a flamboyant gay stereotype. I think the boom mic could have picked him up just fine out of frame. It really looks like it’s going to hit him on the head. Oh, but it gets better. Penelope decides to confide in a friend about her little problem.

Yep, the boom mic is below them as if Candice Rialson’s vagina is actually going to speak and the microphone needs to be there to pick it up. The boom mic also swings back and forth between the two actresses during this scene staying visible most of the time.

Now a customer comes into the place and because it’s the 1970s, Penelope is wearing this.

Penelope’s vagina starts talking, so she runs into the back room. The vagina apparently has eyes too since it knew the lady was a lesbian and was checking her out. You know one thing leads to another at beauty parlors and before you know it, this happens.

Of course Rip Taylor comes in and breaks things up.

Penelope decides to see a psychiatrist about her problem and it turns out the vagina can not just talk and apparently see, but can sing too. He immediately decides to exploit the talking vagina for money and books her on a show. This is as much as I can show without resorting to black boxes.

Then we get a ridiculous scene where she gets pulled over by a cop and the talking vagina gets her arrested. She is then bailed out by the boyfriend from the beginning of the film. Seriously, the only reason I can think of that the scene exists is to remind us that the boyfriend is still a character in this movie. The boyfriend storms off, but the psychiatrist/agent takes her out and walks with her through a park. This is when the film tries to give some meaning to this talking vagina situation. He says that it’s her otherwise anonymous organ crying out to have attention paid to it. Sadly, this is leading to an ending that makes no sense. Also, they have named the vagina Virginia.

Penelope listens to the doc and Virginia so she decides to walk the street dressed like this.

And wouldn’t you know it. It attracts some unwanted attention. Go figure! Of course it does lead to her being rescued by a bunch of jocks. Yep! Just yep.

The next morning she gets a call that Virginia and her have been booked on another show. And there you go.

Did I mention this movie is quite the experience to watch. Now she has become a huge star and you can tell because of the newspaper and magazine montage. This includes such classics as the headlines “Odds Go Down On Virginia” and “Police Close Virginia’s Opening”. Then, well, I expected to see plenty of Turkish Supermen, but I never expected to see the ‘S’ there.

Things get even wackier when Penelope’s mother shows up and gets in on the act. There’s also a really stupid restaurant scene with bad jokes. Then Penelope decides to try and patch things up with the boyfriend. They even make it so far as the bed before Virginia pisses him off and he’s out the door again.

Now she goes on a version of The Dating Game called The Mating Game. This scene and the sequence that follows only exist because the writers must have thought the talking vagina alone wasn’t funny enough so this needed to happen.

Yep! She gets dressed up like a princess and he walks in dressed in full armor. He even lays down on the bed with her that way. The next morning he tells her he can’t see her anymore via a fortune cookie. No joke. He says all of his fortune cookies say goodbye. This is followed by more coming to fame stuff including Hollywood Walk of Fame stars and concrete feet. Then she’s going to be in a movie directed by a guy who wants people to know his movie isn’t “just the first film to star a real cunt.” I do love that considering the number of times the boom mic pops into frame in the movie itself, we can actually see the boom mic for the movie within the movie. Then the actual movie starts. Here’s are a few shots of this insanity.

She runs off the set and goes to jump off a cliff. This is when the movie ends in the dumbest way possible.

Yep! Even though it makes no sense, the boyfriend had a talking penis this whole time. It and Virginia sing together before Penelope and him run to each other for a final embrace.

THE END!

This is one of the weirdest things I have ever sat through. It’s not good, but it’s strange enough that I kind of do recommend it. Also, I will be tracking down Pussy Talk, Pussy Talk 2, and Angel Above – The Devil Below as a result. Cause once I’ve sat through this one, I might as well sit through the others too. Plus, I’ve heard that Pussy Talk is actually good and is a bit of a landmark in French cinema. But I think I need a little break before I come back to this genre.