My least favorite trailer


For the past month and a half, I haven’t been able to go to the movies without seeing the following trailer for Sanctum.  And I can tell you right now, after seeing this trailer a few dozen times, I have never had less desire to see a movie.

Seriously, when you can even predict every line of dialogue in the trailer, you know that the movie’s either 1) pretty bad, 2) executive produced by James Cameron, or 3) both.

Seriously, isn’t it time for the Mainstream to update the old script-o-matic?

Anime of the Decade


Epic.  Has there ever been a word that has been run into the ground so much that it’s practically lost all meaning?  Pounding a bunch of noobs at Halo isn’t epic.  The meal you just had isn’t epic.  Anything that spawned from 4chan isn’t epic.  Do you know what does deserve the title of epic?  One Piece.  Make no mistake, I’m not saying One Piece is the greatest anime of all time.  However, the sheer scale of the story, and the high level of consistency maintained for 13 years and counting qualify One Piece to confidently call itself epic.

The story revolves around a boy named Monkey D. Luffy who’s goal is to become the King of the Pirates.  But Luffy is no ordinary boy.  He ate a Devil’s Fruit, which grant their users strange powers in exchange for losing the ability to swim or float.  Quite the handicap for someone who wishes to live their lives on the high seas to be sure.  Luffy’s particular fruit was the Gum-Gum fruit, which turns him into a rubberman, allowing his body to stretch to great lengths, and also making him immune to most projectile attacks.  The exception being anything with an edge to it.  So, while he can repel bullets and cannonballs, arrows would prove to be deadly to him.  But, Luffy is the sort who will just charge straight ahead, without fear for his own safety, and unleash all manner of attacks using his unique makeup.

But before you get to thinking that Luffy always kicks ass and takes names, make no mistake, he gets his ass handed to him.  A lot.  But a big part of Luffy’s strength is the fact that he doesn’t let adversity get him down.  He’s very much of the motto “If at first you don’t succeed, punch them even harder the next time!”  Unlike with some shows where the hero has to gain a new superpower to defeat a foe that just beat them, ala Dragon Ball Z, Luffy is often able to just come back and win without needing to rely on such things.  Granted, there are a few times where he has to come out with a whole new move, but it just feels so much more believable and causes you to roll your eyes less than with some other shonen fare like the aforementioned DBZ and Bleach.

Now, becoming the Pirate King is no easy task, and one couldn’t possibly do it all alone.  A lot of the charm of One Piece lies in the cast of characters that Luffy has for a crew.  To avoid any spoilers for anyone who is either just starting or plans to start, I won’t list the entire crew.  Heck, at the point where I’m at in the series, I think there have even been one or two more crew members added in the recent episodes that I don’t know about yet.  So, I’ll limit the crew to his pre-Grand Line bunch.

The first person to join Luffy on his adventures is Roronoa Zoro (some translations call him Zolo since L’s and R’s are interchangeable in Japanese, but Zoro just looks better to me) who is a swordsman that uses three katana when he fights, one in each hand and one in his mouth.

As I said, they don’t always win, and often get their ass handed to them pretty bad.  And this is a kid’s show!  Zoro usually is a fairly cool and collected type who doesn’t let Luffy’s idiotic nature get the best of him, and isn’t phased by many things they encounter no matter how bizarre, although no one is completely immune to Luffy’s nonsense.

The next member to join up with Luffy was Nami.  She was a thief who stole from pirates, although it was for a good reason and was one of my favorite arcs in the series.  She’s also an expert navigator who is capable of reading weather patterns and plotting the safest course through practically anywhere.

Nami has a love for treasure and money in general, and she’ll do most anything to get her hands on it.  However, she’s not much on fighting and will avoid it if it all possible.  After all, hard to spend money when you’re dead!  An interesting bit would be that Nami definitely, ummm, grows throughout the course of the show.  This is a picture of her in an early appearance:

Now compare that to one from later on in the series:

I guess Nami is just a growing girl, and I thank Oda for being the pervert that I assume him to be!

The next one to join the crew is probably my least favorite of them all, Usopp.  Maybe it’s his voice, or perhaps it’s his character design, or maybe I just don’t like his attitude.  Whatever the case, I don’t really care much for him.  Two things to know about Usopp, 1) He’s a liar and 2) he’s a coward.  He makes Nami look downright heroic with the extents he goes to stay out of any danger.  That’s not to say he won’t fight when the chips are down.  Luffy would never allow anyone who actually ran away from their duty on their crew.  Just that whenever he fights, he works best when he can use his lies and his considerable sniping skills.

The last of the crew I’ll mention here is their cook, Sanji.  Sanji can basically be summed up as a guy who just plain tries way too hard to get women.

Unfortunately for him, Nami can smell a chump like that a mile away, so she takes full advantage of it whenever she can.  Despite his obvious weakness for women, Sanji is a very good fighter, using kicks as his weapon as he believes a chef must not harm his hands.  However, he is very chivalrous, in that he refuses to ever kick a lady.  Obviously this is a bit of a handicap at times, as not every opponent they run into are men.  But, barring that, he doesn’t back down from a fight if one is picked with him.

These are the crew members that Luffy takes with him to the Grand Line.  Having only gotten up to episode 356 myself (the anime is at over 450 eps right now) I only know of 4 other crew members that join them after they reach the Grand Line, and that may have increased.  So, for the sake of giving people something to look forward to on their own, I won’t be introducing them.

As one can see, One Piece has a fairly unique character design.  This does take a little getting used to.  I held off on watching One Piece for years because of it, but they do grow on you after awhile.  Sure, the women have impossibly thin waists, and most of them have ridiculously large busts (thank you Oda!), but after awhile it stops bothering you and you are able to enjoy the story being told.  And what a story it is!  I can’t think of another series, anime, manga, or novel, that can run for so long and still be entertaining.  We’re talking 60 volumes, which is well over 400 chapters of material written over a 13 year time span.  For the anime, it’s currently on episode 480 and has been running for 11 years while maintaining consistently high ratings.  If I had to hazard a guess as to it’s lasting popularity, I’d say it’s Luffy’s enthusiasm and simplistic way of living.  He’s not some moody, woe-is-me type, nor is he fighting the forces of evil to save the world.  In fact, if you want to get downright technical, he is one of the forces of evil that is working to destroy the world.  At the core, this is about a pirate going up against the world government.  He may not pillage and kill townsfolk, but evil really is how you view it.  From the standpoint of the Marines, he is a criminal.  But for the countless people who he has helped in his quest to become the Pirate King, he’s a sort of folk hero.

I feel that this is the anime of the decade largely because of its enduring popularity.  It’s by far the highest selling manga of all time in Japan, having sold over 200 million copies.  Additionally, it holds the record for the most copies of a single book sold when volume 60 sold 3.4 million copies in it’s first print run alone, shattering the previous record set by Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.  In 2010, while an exact figure has not been made public, based on volumes sold and standard royalty agreements, it’s estimated that Eiichiro Oda made over $24 million.  That’s in one year, not over his lifetime.  That is an insane amount of money for a manga author.  And the thing is, success hasn’t made him lazy.  In the 13 years he’s been writing it the longest break he took was a 3 week break once, this year, and that was in part to set up the time skip he had planned.  And when you realize that he’s serialized in Weekly Shonen Jump, which as the name implies is a weekly publication, the fact that he’s written chapters nearly every week for 13 years without jumping the shark is quite amazing.  Further, according to Eiichiro Oda, while he does have an ending planned, the manga is only halfway done.  60 compiled volumes, well over 500 chapters, spawning 480 anime episodes, 10 movies, plus various tv specials and it’s only halfway done?

The only word that can properly describe that is epic.

The 10 Worst Films of 2010


Sometime during the first week of January, I’ll post my picks for the top 25 films of 2010.  But for now, I’m going to go ahead and post the much more fun list, my picks for the 10 Worst Films of 2010.

10)  Knight and Day — Tom Cruise gets creepier with each film.

9) Robin Hood — Sorry, but that “I declare him to be an …. OUTLAWWWWWW!” line can only carry a film so far. 

8 ) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps — Money may never sleep but Lisa Marie did.  Shia LeBouf as a financial genius?  Plus, any film that so completely wastes the talents of Carey Mulligan deserves to be on this list.  The Other Guys got across the exact same message and was actually entertaining.

7) Eat Pray Love — Finally, a film that tells us all how to find peace, enlightenment, and happiness.  First off, have a lot of money.  Secondly, be Julia Roberts.

6) Solitary Man — A superb performance from Michael Douglas can’t disguise the fact that this is yet another entry in the “Men-Just-Can’t-Help-It” genre of film. 

5) Hereafter — This is, quite frankly, one of the most boring films I’ve ever seen in my life.  And I’ve seen a lot of boring films.  This is also one of those films that attempts to convince you that it’s a quality production by making all the actors look as crappy as possible.  Seriously, did they just pump collagen into Jay Mohr’s face?

4) Clash of the Titans — Zeus must be turning over in his grave.

3) Chloe — Great director (Atom Egoyan), great cast (Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson, Amanda Seyfried), terrible movie.  I’m still trying to understand how this one came about.

2) The American — An homage to the French New Wave that fails because it is neither French nor new and there’s also a notable lack of waves.

1) Love and Other Drugs — What makes this film the worst of 2010?  The beginning, the middle, and the end.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Ex (dir. by Mark L. Lester)


Last night, I watched The Ex on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Why Was I Watching It?

As I was feeling ill, I had already made myself a little pillow fort in the living room and I was curled up with my wonderfully soft Hello Kitty pillow.  It just seemed, at that moment, that watching the Lifetime Movie Network was really the only appropriate thing to do.  (Plus, quite frankly, my options are limited now that we’re between seasons of Survivor, The Amazing Race, Big Brother, and Hell’s Kitchen.)

What’s It About?

Psychotic Yancy Butler, having already committed two murders, decides to move to New York and stalk her ex-husband (played by Nick Mancuso).  Since leaving Butler, Mancuso has married Suzy Amis and now has a five year-old son who is dealing with rage issues of his own.  After befriending Amis, Butler forces her way into Mancuso’s life and kills a lot of people.

 What Worked:

Yancy Butler gives a wonderfully over-the-top, campy performance that is full of arched eyebrows and sardonic smirks.  She delivers every line as if she’s auditioning for a community theater production of Double Indemnity.  She appears to be having so much fun with her role that you actually end up hoping that she’ll manage to kill both Mancuso and Amis (both of whom are far less entertaining). 

Director Mark L. Lester is an exploitation vet (he’s best known for directing The Class of 1984) and, as a result, this film has a bit more flair than what you typically find on the Lifetime Movie Network.

What Didn’t Work

This is a Canadian film that apparently went straight-to-video in the States.  As a result, New York City looks a lot like Toronto.

“Oh My God!  Just Like Me!” Moment

I have almost the exact same outfit hanging in my closet that Yancy Butler wears in the 1st few scenes of this movie.

Lessons Learned:

Your man’s ex really is as much of a psycho bitch as you think she is.

6 Trailers For The End of 2010


I’ve been under the weather since the day after Christmas (and you probably don’t want the details though they can be found on twitter because my twitter account is my place to be all TMI) so I fear that I’ve been running behind when it comes to posting on this site.  Not only have I not written my review of True Grit and Rabbit Hole, but I haven’t written anything about that video of the beaver opening up the box of tampons yet. 

So, wyle ah work on gittin mah purty lil self all caught up here (and attempt to phonetically recreate my natural country girl accent), here’s the final 2010 edition of Lisa Marie’s Grindhouse and Exploitation Trailers

1) Made in Sweden

I love how all the imported, soft-core films of the early 70s were always advertised as being sensitive, coming-of-age stories.  Christina Lindberg later starred as the iconic One-Eye in Thriller, A Cruel Picture (a.k.a. They Call Her One-Eye.)

2) Blindman

Yes, the trailer’s in German and no, I don’t speak German.  I speak French which I guess means I’d have to surrender if this trailer ever tried to enter me.  BUT ANYWAY, this is actually an Italian film.  Tony Anthony plays a blind gunslinger who is hired by a bunch of mail order brides to free them from a sadistic bandit played by Ringo Starr.  Yes, that Ringo Starr.

3) Tattoo

If, like my friend Elly, you live in Australia, you can watch this movie on DVD.  Unfortunately, outside of “region 4,” this movie is unavailable.  I’ve never seen it though I read about it in Bruce Dern’s quite frankly weird autobiography.  (I say weird with affection because, seriously — how can you not love Bruce Dern?)  Anyway, Dern says that in the sex scenes in this movie, he and Adams were actually doing it.  Apparently, the film itself is a take-off on The Collector — Dern kidnaps Adams, covers her body in tattoos, and then has sex with her.  It actually sounds like kind of a disgusting movie, to be honest and the prospect I might see it is making me reconsider my plans to eventually relocate to Australia (sorry, Elly).  

As for the trailer,  I just think it’s really nicely atmospheric, especially in the slow-motion sequence at the beginning.

4) Hell Night

This is the old school slasher film that I always wish I had been around to be cast in.  Why?  Because of all the costumes, of course!  If you’re going to be a victim in one of these movies, you might as well get to play dress up beforehand.

5) Invasion of the Bee Girls

There are two trailers for this movie.  This is the mainstream version and it is a heavily cut — and I mean HEAVILY CUT — version of the one that played in the grindhouses.  You can find the uncut version on Stephen Romano’s Shock Festival.  Anyway, this is one of those wonderfully satirical 70s films that was marketed as a standard grindhouse film.  William Smith plays an FBI agent who is sent to Peckham, California to discover why the town’s men are being fucked to death.  Actually, just looking at the men of Peckham, California — they should probably be happy with what they can get.

6) Deep Red

What better way to end 2010 than with the one and only Dario Argento?  This is the trailer for his first worldwide hit, the classic giallo Deep Red.  This is also the film where he first met and romanced Daria Nicolodi.  Plus, this movie probably features the best performance ever from the late and underrated David Hemmings (who would end his career playing a small role in Gangs of New York, a film which also features Giovanni Lombardo Radice.)

As a sidenote, I’ve really enjoyed sharing these trailers through 2010 and I look forward to sharing more in 2011.  Je te donne tout mon amour, mon lecteur.