Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise did not make me want to set course for adventure.

Episode 4.16 “Gopher’s Bride/Love with a Married Man/Not Tonight, Jack!”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 24th, 1981)

This week’s episode is all about cabins.

For instance, Jack Clayton (Patrick Wayne) invited his girlfriend of four weeks, Helen Mann (Trish Stewart), to join him on the cruise without telling her that they would be sharing a cabin.  Sorry, Jack — Helen doesn’t go for that sort of thing!  Jack is kicked out and spends most of the cruise trying to find some place else to sleep.  (He also ends up awkwardly lugging his suitcase around with him.)  Eventually, Helen gets some romantic advice from Julie (always a mistake) and decides that it’s not fair to kick Jack out of the cabin that he paid for.  She tells him that he can stay in the cabin.  Jack’s like, “Finally, let’s get it on!”  No, Jack, Helen doesn’t go for that.  Instead, she plans on sleeping outdoors for the rest of the cruise!

The two of them work it out eventually.  When Jack objects to Helen sleeping outside, even if it means Jack would again have to find someplace else to go, Helen realizes that he actually does care about her and he’s not just interested in sex.  They leave the boat together, with Helen promising that she and Jack will always sleep in the same bed from now on.  I give their relationship another two weeks or so.

Meanwhile, Kay Tindal (Susan Oliver) wants Ned Beacham (Paul Burke) to come visit her cabin and Ned is sorely tempted because his wife, Margo (Dana Wynter), is such a workaholic.  Fortunately, Ned and Margo’s 24th anniversary falls right in the middle of the cruise and it causes Ned to realize that he still loves Margo and it causes Margo to realize that she spends too much time worrying about her career.  Ned and Margo leave the ship together while Kay can only watch from the staircase.  Ha!  Take that, homewrecker!

Finally, Gopher risks his job so that Nicole (Marie Laurin) can stay in his cabin.  Nicole is Gopher’s pen pal from Quebec.  (Actually, she was writing to Doc and Isaac who, for reasons that are never made clear, signed Gopher’s name to all of the letters.)  When Nicole shows up on the boat, Gopher takes one look at her and says that she can stay with him.  Of course, it’s against ship regulations for passengers to stay with crewmembers so, in order to keep Captain Stubing from finding out, Gopher tells him that Nicole is a new maid.  Gopher ends up doing all of Nicole’s work and Nicole ends up meeting and getting engaged to a passenger named Frank (Paul Gale).  Sorry, Gopher!

This was a pretty forgettable episode and it was a bit hard to sympathize with any of the passengers.  Jack was a cad.  Helen was a prude.  Kay was a homewrecker.  Ned was a wimp.  Margo was cold.  Nicole was so self-centered that she didn’t even notice that Gopher was killing himself with extra work to keep her from getting kicked off the boat.  I wouldn’t want to be on a cruise with any of these people.

On a slightly positive note, Captain Stubing did ask Vicki if she had done her homework so I now definitely know that Vicki has a tutor and is getting an education while living on the boat.  At least I don’t have to worry about that anymore!