When a bartender steals one of his customer’s credit cards, he learns that credit fraud can lead to …. HORROR! Let that be a lesson to everyone.
This episode originally aired on January 18th, 1991.
Tag Archives: TV
Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Gabe needs surgery!
Episode 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 27th, 1977)
At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Socrates Kotter. Uncle Socrates had a best friend named Euripides but they drifted apart when Socrates moved to Chicago and opened up his own dry cleaning place. One day, a guy who looked just like Euripides walked into the business.
“Euripedes!” Socrates shouted.
“Yeah,” the guy replied as he handed over his pants, “you menda these?”
Plato was not available for comment.
After the opening credits, we find ourselves back at the apartment. Gabe comes home from the dentist and tells Julie that he has three abscesses. (Good Lord, Gabe!) Gabe says that a root canal will cost thousands. Having the teeth pulled will cost hundreds. Or maybe he can just convince someone to knock out all of his teeth for free.
Julie says that she’s gotten a part-time job stuffing envelopes but that’s probably not going to pay for Gabe’s dental surgery. She suggests that he call one of the personal loan places that advertise on television. Gabe is reluctant because he hates their commercials but, at Julie’s insistence, he calls and asks for $12,000. The guy on the other end of the line asks Gabe what he does for a living.
“I’m a teacher,” Gabe replies.
“What’s he saying?” Julie asks.
“I’ll tell you after he stops laughing.”
Eventually, the guy asks Gabe about his assets. “I’m a fun guy,” Gabe says, “I’ve got a good sense of humor….” The loan guy tells Gabe that, if he takes out a loan with them, he’ll have to pay $110 a month for a year and that he would have to put up his first born son as collateral.
(Today, I should add, I spent $110 on Halloween candy.)
The next day, at school, the Sweathogs are confused as to why Gabe is slurring his speech when he calls roll. After Freddie asks if he’s okay, Gabe explains that he has to get dental surgery but he doesn’t have any way to pay for it. Freddie suggests that Gabe join the Marines. Epstein offers to go into business with him. Barbarino volunteers to be the prize at a raffle. Horshack offers to sell his body to science.
After class ends, Gabe sits at his desk and reads the classifieds. (“Wanted, hearse driver. Must not mind riding alone …. sort of.”) Woodman wanders into the classroom and reminds Gabe that he’s not allowed to “moonlight.” Gabe asks Woodman how he manages to make ends meet.
“My ends never meet, Kotter!” Woodman declares.
Gabe bemoans never being able to have fun on his salary.
“There’s more to life than fun, Kotter,” Woodman says, “There’s hard work, sacrifice, and REVENGE!”
After Woodman leaves, Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein return to the classroom and announce that they’ve pooled together their life savings to help out Mr. Kotter. They then hand him five dollars and 72 cents. “Stay mellow, fellow,” Freddie says.
Several nights later, at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that he has to go to his second job as a “public relations expert at a restaurant.” Julie accuses Gabe of cheating on her. Uhmm, Julie — remember how you all talked about how Gabe would need to get a second job to pay for his root canal? It wasn’t that long ago….
Part of the reason why Julie is suspicious is because Gabe always takes a suitcase with him to work. What’s in the suitcase? Gabe’s work costume! Yes, I said costume. Gabe’s public relations job involves dressing up like a chicken and going to the grand opening of every new Mr. Chicken restaurant.
Guess who walks into the restaurant?
It’s Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein! Horshack, not recognizing Captain Chicken as his teacher, demands an autograph. However, the other Sweathogs quickly recognize him and, no longer as sympathetic as they were a few days ago, they proceed to make fun of Gabe and his costume. Unfortunately, because Gabe is on the clock, he still has to take their orders. They order the Gluten’s Gorge.
While Gabe relays the order to the kitchen, Woodman comes in and sees that the restaurant is having a contest where, if you guess the number of chicken bones in a container, you’ll win a free meal. Gabe has his back to him but he still clearly hears as Woodman announces, “460, Captain Chicken!” Gabe is forced to turn around and reveal that Woodman is “a few bones short.” Woodman tells Gabe to watch out for roosters and then laughs loudly as he leaves.
Gabe is then forced, by the restaurant manager, to do a dance with a cane and a top hat in order to celebrate the Sweathogs ordering a Gluten’s Gorge. The Sweathogs applaud and congratulate Gabe for being a “good sport.” Gabe explains that he took this demeaning job because he couldn’t get a day job because it would mean abandoning his Sweathogs. The restaurant manager then orders Gabe to get his “delinquents” students out of the place.
“Up your gizzard with a rubber lizard,” Freddie replies.
Rather than betray his students, Gabe quits his job. They all leave to get Chinese food. Yay! I love Chinese food.
Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his Aunt Sophie, who always used to sleep with her mouth open and….
Wait a minute …. did Gabe ever get his dental surgery? It seems like that whole part of the story kind of got pushed to the side. This was an incredibly silly episode and it didn’t quite work for me because, as annoying as Julie can be, her whole assumption that Gabe was having an affair never made sense. She knew why he had to get a night job. Still, at least Mr. Woodman got a few good lines and it’s always touching when the Sweathogs reveal that they really do care about their teacher and themselves.
Seriously, though — three abscesses!? Here’s hoping Gabe takes better care of himself in the future!
Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.4 “A Cup In Time”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!
This week, a cursed teacup wreck havoc and destroys lives!
Episode 1.4 “A Cup In Time”
(Dir by Harvey Frost, originally aired on October 19th, 1987)
Someone is killing the homeless. Every morning, young homeless people are being found dead on the street, apparently strangled. The police don’t really care about the victims and therefore, they aren’t really all that concerned with solving the case. In fact, only a social worker named Birdie (Maxine Miller) really seems to care.
Of course, that’s not all that Birdie cares about. Because she has a crush on Jack, she often drops by the Antique Shop in an attempt to visit with him. Since Jack doesn’t know how to deal with her, Mickey and and Ryan end up talking to her instead. Birdie tells them about the murders and she also mentions that her friend, the elderly Sarah Berrell, is missing.
When Jack hears about the homeless being murdered, he says that it might have something to do with one of the shop’s cursed antiques. Searching through the ledger, he comes across a teacup that was sold to Sarah Berrell’s brother!
Indeed, it does turn out that Sarah is involved with the murders. She approaches homeless people at night and offers them a warm drink in a tea cup that is illustrated with a picture of a vine. Whenever anyone drinks from the cup, the vine comes to life and strangles them. Their youth is then transferred over to the owner of the cup. Sarah has committed so many murders that she now appears to be in her 20s. Using the name Lady Di (and played by Hilary Shepard), she is now the hottest rock star in America! Ryan loves her music and, in fact, Lady Di is planning on throwing a free benefit concert for the homeless!
What a mess!
This is actually a pretty good episode, one that is reasonably well-acted and scripted, though I do have to wonder just how long Sarah had been missing for her to have time to create an entirely new life for herself as Lady Di. The episode’s true star was Maxine Miller, who gave a sweet and rather poignant performance as Birdie. Eventually, she discovers what the cup is capable of doing and, in the episode’s best scene, she is tempted to do the same thing that Sarah has been doing. And really, you can’t blame her. I mean, who wouldn’t want to stay forever young? As well, there’s a neat auditory moment, towards the end of the episode, when a crowd of concertgoers start to chant “We Want Di” and it sounds like they’re all saying, “We Want To Die!” It’s an effective effect, whether it was deliberate or not.
All in all, this was a good episode of Friday the 13th. That said, I have to wonder about Birdie. I mean, she knows the teacup was cursed. Is she curious about any of the other stuff in the shop? Will her character ever appear again? I guess I’ll have to keep watching to find out.
Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 6.10 “Windows” (dir by Rene Manzor)
On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, David Marshall Grant plays an artist who comes to believe that his paintings are actually visions of the future. The Hitchhiker is not impressed but it’s rare that he is.
The episode originally aired on November 23rd, 1990.
Retro Television Reviews: T and T 1.22 “Mickey’s Choice”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!
In this episode, a spoiled little brat discover that …. well, no. I should let Mr. T tell you.
Episode 1.22 “Mickey’s Choice”
(Dir by Donald Shebib, originally aired on June 6th, 1988)
“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “a street-smart kid finds out he’s still got a few lessons to learn!”
On the mean and cold streets of Canada, Rubberhead (John Matuszak) sends 13 year-old Mickey (Jamie Shannon) on a mission to pick the pockets of the Canadians who have gathered to watch a street magician. When the police nab Mickey, Rubberheard snarls, “Don’t talk, you little punk!” before walking away.
Because Amy Taler is the only defense attorney in Canada, she gets assigned to Mickey’s case. The prosecution wants to toss Mickey in juvenile hall but Amy argues that Mickey is too young for that. Rubberhead and one of his henchmen walk into the courtroom and are properly thrown out by the judge. Mickey gives them the thumbs up signal as they leave. My question is how has Rubberhead not been arrested as he seems to have absolutely no idea how to subtle about carrying out his criminal activities. Also, why is he called Rubberhed? Is that a nickname he wanted?
Rather then send Mickey into the system, Amy arranges for Mickey to be released into the custody of T.S. Turner. Amy is able to pull this off despite the fact that Turner is an ex-con, her hair is a mess, and Turner is late coming to court. Luckily, the judge is a fan of boxing and he decides that Turner’s former career as a boxer is the perfect justification for giving him custody of a rebellious 13 year-old.
As Turner, Amy, and Mickey leave the courthouse, they are confronted by Rubberhead and his gang. One of them tries to grab Amy.
“Excuse me, brother,” Turner says, “that’s no way to treat a lady.”
Taking advantage of the distraction, Mickey runs for it. After telling Rubberhead, “I’ll deal with you later, punk,” Turner takes off after him.
Fortunately, Turner is able to grab Mickey and drop him off with Aunt Martha (Jackie Richardson) and Renee (Rachael Crawford). Aunt Martha puts Mickey to work peeling potatoes. Turner then heads out to try to track down Rubberhead and his gang.
“When I was younger, I was Mickey,” Turner explains, “I broke my mother’s heart!”
However, despite saying that he’s going to go out and find Rubberhead, the next scene finds Turner having dinner with Mickey, Aunt Martha, and Renee. Turner leads the group in saying grace and even Mickey bows his head.
That night, Rubberhead leaves a bag of burning trash on Aunt Martha’s porch. While Turner is distracted by the fire, Rubberhead breaks into the house and grabs Mickey. Back at Rubberhead’s headquarters, Mickey brags about how tough he is until Rubberhead demands to know what he told the police.
We then cut to Turner asking various Canadians if they’ve seen Mickey. “Look, brother,” Turner says at one point, “I’ve asked politely and I’ve asked nicely. Now, I’m just asking.” Frustrated by one dead end after another, Turner goes to the gym and lifts weights for several minutes.
“That’s how he thinks,” gym owner Decker explains as Turner shouts, “MORE WEIGHT!”
Somehow, all of this weight lifting leads to Turner figuring out where Rubberhead is headquartered. Turner heads down to Rubberhead’s warehouse, where he is promptly captured and tied to a chair by Rubberhead’s gang. Rubberhead announces that both Turner and Mickey will be dropped down an elevator shaft.
“You gotta make a choice, Mickey,” Turner says, “Right or wrong.”
Mickey unties Turner and Turner tosses a motorcycle at Rubberhead, taking out both him and his gang. Turner and Mickey then rush to the courthouse, where Amy has been stalling a court hearing on Mickey’s future. Mickey reveals all that he knows about Rubberhead and his gang. SNITCH!
This is definitely an episode that suffered from trying to tell a 60-minute story in only 30. Seriously, the narrative jumped around so much and was so haphazardly edited that it was a struggle to keep track of what was going on. That said, Canada is a safer place thanks to T.S. Turner and that’s the important thing. That’s why they put their faith in him.
Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.4 “The Return Of The Masked Rider”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!
This week, Jonathan and Mark clean up a troubled neighborhood!
Episode 1.4 “The Return of the Masked Rider”
(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on October 3rd, 1984)
This week, Jonathan and Mark end up a gym in a city. Jonathan applies for a job as a cut man. The gym’s owner, Mau Mau (Stoney Jackson), is doubtful because Jonathan can’t give him any references to call but then Jonathan magically heals a cut over a boxer’s eye. Jonathan gets the job and just in time because this neighborhood needs to be protected.
The problem is that the neighborhood is being ruled by Thumper (Darin Taylor) and the Satan’s Helpers. Everyone in the neighborhood is scared of the Satan’s Helpers and who can blame them when the gang literally identifies with Satan? I mean, they’re not only fans of Satan but they’re helping him as well! Anyway, the statewide boxing championship is coming up and Thumper is going to be fighting another neighborhood boxer, Joey (Chip MacAllister). The Satan’s Helpers demand that Joey throw the fight and to make sure that Joey does so, they kidnap his grandfather (Hank Rolike)!
Mark suggests that Jonathan just “zap” the gang members and bring an end to the whole thing but Jonathan explains that their mission is not to take out the gang. Their mission is to encourage the other residents in the neighborhood to take back the streets, “like the Guardian Angels!” You heard it, folks. God supports vigilantism.
Luckily, Morton Clay (John Agar) lives in the neighborhood as well. Morton was once a movie star, playing the Masked Bandit. Now retired and nearly forgotten, Morton lives in an apartment building with several of his former co-stars. Jonathan encourages Morton and his friends to put on their old costumes and march down to the headquarters of the Satan’s Helpers. The rest of the neighborhood is so amazed by the parade of old timey heroes, that they follow.
The Satan’s Helpers are so intimidated by sight of the entire neighborhood gathered together that they decide to stop helping Satan and they release the grandfather. Yay! Meanwhile, at the boxing match, Joey refuses to take a dive and he knocks out Thumper. Yay! The neighborhood is saved.
When people refer to Highway to Heaven as being a campy show, they are probably referring to episodes like this one. Undoubtedly, the episode is well-intentioned. Watching it, you can tell that Michael Landon was hoping that this episode would inspire people to take pride in the neighborhoods, just like the Masked Bandit and his friends! But the episode’s extremely earnest approach feels a bit naïve. There’s nothing particularly intimidating about the Satan’s Helpers and it certainly doesn’t help their credibility that they’re scare off by a bunch of elderly people wearing costumes.
Next week, Mark and Jonathan break into the country music world!
Horror On TV: The Hitchhiker 6.6 “Toxic Search” (dir by Jerry Ciccoritti)
Tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker features two friends who get into a fight over whether or not its ethical to dump toxic waste near a small town. Unfortunately, exposure to the toxic waste leads to madness. This episode features a good performance from Zach Galligan as the polluter who learns the errors of his way.
This episode aired on October 26th, 1990.
Retro Television Review: Jennifer Slept Here 1.4 “Boo”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Debbie Reynolds drops by!
Episode 1.4 “Boo”
(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on November 11th, 1983)
This week’s episode of Jennifer Slept Here opens with Jennifer tormenting Joey while he tries to make a snack. Whenever Joey tries to grab a bowl and a box of cereal, Jennifer materializes and says, “Boo!” I guess when you’re a ghost, you have to find a way to pass the time. Seriously, though, Joey acts like he’s about to have a heart attack every time that he sees Jennifer. He should be used to her by now.
In other words — STOP BEING SUCH A WIMP, JOEY!
Joey is upset because he’s stuck at home while his parents take his little sister to a costume party but then Marc shows up with two twins (played by Jacqueline and Samantha Forrest). The twins seem to like Joey and Marc but again, Joey can’t leave the house. Jennifer suggests to Joey that he suggest that they just have a party at the house. Joey follows Jennifer’s advice and it turns out that the twins really want to have a …. séance!
Joey is totally excited because he has his own ghost! However, Jennifer informs him that she doesn’t want to perform like a trained seal so he’s going to have to figure out his own way to party with the twins. Suddenly, the studio audience goes wild as Debbie Reynolds materializes in Joey’s bedroom. It turns out that Debbie Reynolds is playing Jennifer’s mother, who is also a ghost. Jennifer’s mom has spent 24 years searching for Jennifer. Why? Because she’s still upset over the fact that Jennifer didn’t thank her when she won a Golden Globe. Jennifer’s mother has tracked down her daughter so that she can demand to be given credit for her daughter’s career!
(Really? It’s just a Golden Globe.)
Jennifer and her mother argue over whether or not Jennifer has ever given her mother enough credit. Jennifer’s mother eventually announces that she’s leaving and proceeds to walk through a wall. Desperate for her mother to return, Jennifer asks Joey to perform a …. wait for it …. a séance! Joey gets Jennifer to agree to help him to impress the twins in return for him trying to contact her mother.
At the séance, Marc says they should contact Jennifer’s mother but Joey is like, “Let’s contact her mother!” As it storms outside, Jennifer does things like forcing everyone to keep their hands on table and causing candles to float around the living room. It scares and impresses the twins and they suggest a trip to their place where they have a hot tub. But Jennifer tells Joey that he can’t leave because the séance isn’t over. Realizing that Jennifer is right, Joey says he can’t go to the hot tub because he has to clean up the house.
“Joey,” Marc announces, “I don’t know what’s wrong with but someday, it’s going to keep you out of the army.”
Okay, 80s TV show, way to be cringey there.
Anyway, Jennifer’s Mother does eventually appear and Joey gets to go hot tubbing with the twins while Jennifer and her mom work on their relationship in the living room. And I have to say that, after a really silly 19-minute build-up, the final scene between Ann Jillian and Debbie Reynolds was actually very sweet and touching, perhaps more so than you would expect from a sitcom about a ghost and her dorky teenage roommate.
This episode did not get off to a great start but that final scene between Ann Jillian and Debbie Reynolds saved it. The show definitely worked best when it focused more on Jennifer and less on the people who lived with her.
Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.4 “The Vampire Hunter”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Youtube.
This week, Monsters features a vampire! Yay! I usually love a good vampire story.
Episode 1.4 “The Vampire Hunter”
(Dir by Michael Gornick, originally aired on November 12th, 1988)
The fourth episode of Monsters opens in New England, towards the end of the 19th century. Ernest Chariot (Robert Lansing) is a veteran vampire hunter who is planning on hanging up his crucifix and his stake so he can concentrate on flirting with the women who come to him searching for answers about the paranormal. He even tells his young assistant, Jack (Jack Koening), that is planning on heading over to Austria so he can meet with Sigmund Freud and talk about dream interpretation with him. Interestingly enough, it appears that Ernest doesn’t really believe in anything paranormal, outside of vampires. Myself, I think if I ever saw proof that vampires existed, I would probably accept that anything could exist. I mean, it’d be strange for it just be vampires.
Before he can retire, Ernest does have one last job to complete. Ms. Warren (Page Hannah) claims that her brother has been acting strangely, as if he’s been bitten by a vampire. Ernest is skeptical of Ms. Warren’s claims and decides to take a trip to Ms. Warren’s hometown so that he can investigate her background before he agrees to help her. The far more naïve Jack, however, goes with Ms. Warren back to her home.
It turns out that Ernest was right to be suspicious because Ms. Warren is the reluctant servant of Charles Poole (John Bolger), a vampire who wears a blue mask because of a facial injury that was inflicted upon him by Ernest in the past. Jack holds Ernest off with a crucifix but, after he loses that, he soon discovers that it’s not as easy to stake a vampire as he thought.
Ernest returns to his office from investigating Ms. Warren’s background, saying that it required him to work in cotton mill. His housekeeper tells him that Jack left with Ms. Warren. A panicked Ernest goes to Ms. Warren’s home where he finds Jack in a coffin and Charles Poole eager for a final battle….
And that’s pretty much it. This was a really weird episode, largely because there wasn’t even an attempt at a clever twist at the end or anything like that. Instead, it was just a straight-forward story of an old vampire hunter coming face-to-face with a vampire. In the end, Ms. Warren chooses to help Ernest instead of Charles. The good guys win and the final credits role. It’s all very earnest and, again, straight-forward. At the same time, it’s also not that interesting. It feels like a scene from a bigger story and, when viewed outside of the context of that bigger story, it lacks the type of emotional depth necessary to really hold the viewer’s attention.
It’s a shame. I usually love a good vampire story! Unfortunately, this isn’t one. Oh well.
Horror On TV: The Hitchhiker 6.3 “Riding the Nightmare” (dir by Christian Duguay)
On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, a woman who is having an affair with her sister’s husband (uh-oh, don’t do that) starts having surreal and increasingly frightening nightmares about a white horse. Is she being warned of her impending death?
This episode originally aired on October 5th, 1990.
Through the Shattered Lens 