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Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.10 “The Flight of the Great Yellow Bird” / “The Island of Lost Women”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles!  It’s time to search for Bigfoot!

Episode 2.11 “The Flight of the Great Yellow Bird / The Island of Lost Women”

(Dir by Joseph Pevney, originally aired on November 25th, 1978)

This week’s episode is all about people looking for things.

Tattoo, for instance, is looking for success on the stock market.  He thinks he’s got a hot tip on how to make a lot of money.  Mr. Roarke rolls his eyes when Tattoo speaks about it.  Obviously, Mr. Roarke has heard a lot about Tattoo’s hot tips and he’s given up on pretending to have any respect whatsoever for his loyal assistant.  Later, Mr. Roarke will order Tattoo to get his stock ticker out of the office.  One gets the feeling that, much like Joseph P. Kennedy in the 1920s, only Mr. Roarke will be smart enough to escape the collapse of the world’s economy.

(Legend has it that Joseph Kennedy — father of the Kennedy children — got out of the Stock Market when the guy who was shining his shoes started giving him stock tips.  Kennedy figured that if even the shoe shine guy was playing the market, that meant there were too many deals being made.  Kennedy turned out to be correct and, as a result, his family suffered not at all during the Great Depression.  Of course, after the Great Depression, there would be suffering all around.)

While Tattoo looks for money, this week’s guests look for ancient legends.

For instance, Barney Shore (Robert Morse) is a sailor who spent two years on an atomic submarine.

“He went two years without seeing a woman!?”  Tattoo says, “Boss, what did he do?”

Well, what do you think he did!?  Mr. Roarke, being a gentleman, says that Barney spent all of his time reading and researching legends of an island that was populated only by women.  Barney’s fantasy is to discover the island and indeed, he does.  Barney is dropped off on a tropical island that is populated by women who all dress as if they’re extras in an Italian Hercules movie.

Unfortunately, for Barney, Queen Delphia (Cyd Charisse), has very strict rules about men on the island.  Only one man is allowed to be around the women per year.  That man is crowned the Harvest King and his job is to …. well, make sure that the population continues to grow.  Of course, once the Harvest King has done his job, there’s no reason to keep him around and he’s sacrificed.  Barney falls in love with one of the women and he convinces the rest of the tribe that it’s okay for men and women to live together on the same island.  Good for Barney….

“But what about Bigfoot!?”

I hear you, I’m getting to him.  Barney’s a nice guy and I’m glad he survived his trip to the island but obviously, the main attraction here is to watch Peter Graves play the world-renowned adventurer Singapore Eddie Malone.  Eddie comes to Fantasy Island to give a lecture about his hunt for Bigfoot.  However, he’s hired to help Prof. Smith-Myles (Barbara Rush) explore an isolated area of the island where Bigfoot may indeed live.  Eddie is here to help the professor experience her fantasy of finding Bigfoot while Eddie’s fantasy is to be a true explorer and everyone’s fantasy comes to true!  Of course, Eddie is also an old friend of Rourke’s and, at the end of the episode, Tattoo suggests that maybe the whole thing was just Roarke’s fantasy to make Eddie feel better about his life.

But what about Bigfoot!?

The actual Bigfoot doesn’t really get much screen time, sorry.  Then again, I think that’s why Bigfoot is so intriguing.  He’s elusive!  He’s fun to search for.  He’s fun to talk about.  But spending too much time with him would just take away the mystery.  Besides, who needs Bigfoot when you have Peter Graves glowering and doing his whole “international man of mystery” routine?

This was a silly episode and both stories felt a bit rushed but Peter Graves gave such a grave, deep-voiced performance that the episode was still entertaining.  Hopefully, Bigfoot will return!

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 3.21 “Kristy Connor” and 3.22 “Game Point”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Hang Time!  I’ll always remember me and my friends at hang time …. damn, that song really get stuck in your head.

Episode 3.21 “Kristy Connor”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 22nd, 1997)

So, apparently, Coach Fuller’s basketball camp is still a thing and the members of the team are still his camp counselors.  As I mentioned last week, it really does seem like everyone should be going to class and playing high school basketball but apparently, school is on hiatus.

After a long day of counseling basketball players, Kristy — who is NOT a basketball player so I’m still not really sure why she’s even at the camp — heads into town to get a pizza.  She borrows Julie’s jacket.  While at the pizza joint, she meets Jordan.  Jordan is a handsome and totally charming counselor at another camp.  He sees that Kristy is wearing Julie’s jacket and he immediately decides that Kristy must be his favorite basketball player, Julie Connor!  “You’re famous!” he says.  Julie is also blonde while Kristy has red hair so you have to wonder if Jordan is really that smart.  I mean, does he assume that anyone wearing a football jersey actually plays football?  Does he assume that the guy wearing a LeBron James t-shirt is actually LeBron James?  Or is he just really obsessed with that jacket?

Speaking of stupid, Coach Fuller asks Vince to call his father to have some hamburgers delivered to the camp.  Vince accidentally orders a cow.  Instead of telling Fuller what happened, the team tries to hide the cow in the camp.  Because that makes sense….

Anyway, Coach Fuller challenges the other camp to a basketball game.  Since Jordan is on the other team, Kristy has to pretend to be Julie on the court.  Jordan comes to realize that Kristy isn’t Julie but assures her that he still likes her.  “I like your red hair,” he says, which totally disproves my theory that he’s color-blind.

Eh.  I hate all of this camp stuff.  Let’s move on.

Episode 3.22 “Game Point”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 22nd, 1997)

“Remember that time you guys helped Teddy stop smoking?  Or helped Danny stand up to his bully?” Kristy asks, as this episode begins.

Oh, dammit, it’s a clip show.

Despite still being at the basketball camp, Kristy is having to do schoolwork.  It turns out that not all of her credits transferred from her “old school,” which I believe is the first time that the show has acknowledged that Kristy just kind of showed up out of nowhere at the start of season 3.  She’s having to write a paper on how team sports help people learn how to get along.  The players are a bit cynical about Kristy’s theory but she shows them the error of their ways by saying stuff like, “Remember when Michael first joined the team?”

It’s a clip show, with all of the awkward banter that tends to go with it.  It’s difficult to convincingly deliver lines like, “Remember that time we all stole Coach Fuller’s car?” or “Remember the last twelve guys Julie’s dated since this show began?”

Hopefully, next week, basketball camp will be a memory and the Tornadoes will be back in school!

Retro Television Reviews: The Tower (dir by Richard Kletter)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1993’s The Tower!  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

The plot of 1993’s The Tower could probably best be described as, “Paul Reiser gets a job and gets everyone killed.”

Technically, Paul Reiser is playing Tony Minot, a guy who would rather spend his time in his apartment, composing new age synthesizer anthems and eating left over pizza, than actually go to work. But make no mistake about it. Tony is basically Paul Reiser, all the way down to the neurotic mannerisms and the bad jokes.

Anyway, through the help of an old friend, Tony has gotten a job. He’s going to be working in a state-of-the-art tower, one that is totally run by a computer system known as CAS. CAS is designed to eliminate any and all security threats. For instance, when an unauthorized pigeon lands on the tower’s roof, it doesn’t take long for CAS to reduce that pigeon to a bunch of floating feathers. Tony has been told that it’s very important that 1) he have his security card with him at all times and 2) that he not damage his security card in any way.

So, of course, Tony damages his security card.

With the help of a security guard, Tony still manages to get inside the tower but, since his card doesn’t work, CAS considers Tony to be a security risk. When Tony proceeds to casually violate several security rules and stays in the building after hours, CAS decides to destroy him. Unfortunately, since Tony is kind of needy and always has to have people around him, everyone else in the building ends up getting killed too.

(This is a 1993 film and it was made for television so none of the kills are especially interesting. One guy gets caught in the closing doors of an elevator. Someone else gets trapped in an overheated sauna.)

The majority of the film deals with Tony crawling around the building, just like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. CAS is determined to kill both him and his potential love interest. We’re supposed to be angry at CAS and concerned about the world’s dependence on technology but you know what?

THIS IS ALL TONY’S FAULT!

Seriously, if Tony hadn’t damaged his card, none of this would have happened. Tony was specifically told not to damage his card but obviously, it didn’t occur to him that maybe he should try to follow the rules of his new workplace during his first day on the job!

The Tower is very much a film of its time. That’s obvious just from the cartoonish CGI and the fact that someone thought casting Paul Reiser as a Die Hard-style action hero was a good idea. Beyond that, it’s a film that’s very concerned about the rise of computers and technology. In 1993, I’m sure audiences were like, “OH MY GOD! COMPUTERS CAN’T BE REASONED WITH!” but, when I watched the film last night, I was just like, “So, they don’t have voice or facial recognition? What type of company is this?”

Anyway, The Tower is not exactly a good movie but it’s oddly watchable. Maybe it’s just because of how strange it is to see Paul Reiser doing the whole Die Hard thing. (Before anyone asks, The Tower was not meant to be a spoof. In fact, it takes itself pretty seriously.) Or maybe it’s just the fact that, by the end of the movie, you’ll totally be on the Tower’s side.

Go, CAS, go!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 2/12/23 — 2/18/23

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week I decided to get a head start on my retro television reviews and I ended up watching and writing up reviews for three months worth of Hang Time and California Dreams.  I am exhausted and I have dueling theme songs stuck in my head.

Here are some thoughts:

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

“Fire!”  This week’s episode of Abbott Elementary was a classic and, after two somewhat uneven episodes, a return to form.  I loved Ava’s response to the fire.  I would have done the same.  “Wait, you went to a spa?”  Well, where else should she have gone?

Accused (Tuesday Night, FOX)

This week, the accused was a father-turned-vigilante, on trial for the murder of a man who molested his daughter.  The idea had the potential to be interesting but the execution was flat.  The episode’s big guest star was Malcolm-Jamal Warner, who gave a credible performance but who was also a bit on the dull side.

California Dreams (YouTube)

I watched six hours of California Dreams this weekend.  I will never get the theme song out of my head.

The Devil Next Door (Netflix)

This is a Netflix docuseries about John Demjanjuk, a retired auto worker in Detroit who was accused of being Ivan the Terrible, a notorious Nazi concentration camp guard.  While Demjanjuk was indeed a former camp guard, there’s still some debate over whether he was also Ivan The Terrible.  It was a fascinating and disturbing story.  With Demjanjuk now dead, we’ll probably never know for sure whether or not he was Ivan but that doesn’t change the fact that this rather mild-looking elderly man was a participant in the most monstrous crimes in history.

Fantasy Island (Tubi)

I reviewed Fantasy Island here!

Hang Time (YouTube)

I watched and wrote up reviews for 15 hours worth of Hang Time episodes this week.  I’m exhausted but, on the plus side, I won’t have to watch the show again until June.

The Love Boat (Paramount+)

I wrote up the first season finale of The Love Boat here!

Night Court (Tuesday, NBC)

In this week’s episode, a bunch of children led a protest in Abbie’s courtroom.  My goodness, it was truly an embarrassing episode.  Night Court doesn’t know if it wants to be goofy or edgy and the lack of focus is really becoming an issue.

Night Music (YouTube)

This was a live music program from the 80s.  The episode that I watched on Friday night featured Stevie Ray Vaughn, Van Dyke Parks, and David Sanborn.  The music was great!

The Super Bowl (Sunday Night, FOX)

I watched it for the commercials, as the game didn’t really interest me and I didn’t have any real feelings about either one of the two teams playing.  However, I will say that everyone that I know is pretty happy that the Eagles lost.  And while I don’t have anything against the Eagles as a group of individual athletes, I do kind of resent the Philadelphia Parking Authority, as a result of having watched too many episodes of Parking Wars.

The Watchers (Netflix)

I watched the first four episodes of this Netflix miniseries on Tuesday night.  The mystery was intriguing but, like so many Ryan Murphy-produced programs, it felt like there was way too much padding and I kind of started to lose interest in it all as the story progressed.  Fortunately, both Naomi Watts and Bobby Cannavale were well-cast.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 4.1 “Two Too Much” and 4.2 “My Valentine”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Welcome to season 4!

Episode 4.1 “Two Too Much”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 9th, 1995)

I have to admit that I’ve now reached the point where I automatically smile as soon as I hear the opening of the California Dreams theme song.  Over the past few months, I’ve come to appreciate California Dreams with its (mostly) good cast, its occasionally clever writing, and even its inoffensive music.  Of course, compared to City Guys and One World, anything is going to look good but California Dreams is a surprisingly entertaining show.  It has its own enjoyably odd but mellow vibe.

The fourth season gets off to a good start with a ballet class!  Yay!  Of course, Sam and Lorena are in the class.  But so are Mark and Sly, largely because they both think it’ll be a good place to pick up girls.  And so is Tony, due to Sam ordering him to take the class.  Jake, however, thinks that ballet is stupid and doesn’t understand why Lorena doesn’t want to spend all of her time watching him ride his motorcycle …. uh-oh, I think I see where this is going and I’m not happy about it because I’m one of the few people who thinks that Jake and Lorena were a good couple.

After his fight with Lorena, Jake finds Tiffani at Sharky’s and asks her for advice.  However, Tiffani is on a date with Keith Dell, “the teen radio shrink.”  Keith, who is a hilariously mellow and understanding character, tells Jake that a successful relationship is all about compromise.  Keith then suggests that Jake and Tiffani are still in love.  “Wooooo!” the audience replies.

Determined to try to make it work with Lorena, Jake tries to share her interests.  He takes her shopping for shoes.  Then he shows up for ballet class, having exchanged his leather jacket for a pair of tights and ready to dance.  After Lorena accuses Jake of embarrassing her, Jake has a black-and-white fantasy about being married to Lorena.  Of course, it’s called I Love Lorena.  Jake becomes Desi Arnaz.  Lorena becomes Lucille Ball.  Fred and Ethel are embodied by Sam and Tony.  Even in the fantasy, though, Jake keeps accidentally saying that he loves Tiffani.  It’s actually pretty funny, largely because of the chemistry of the cast.

I’m sure everyone reading this can guess what’s going to happen.  Jake and Lorena amicably break up.  Jake and Tiffani get back together.  Tony becomes dance-crazed and puts together a wonderfully pretentious performance at Sharky’s.  As always, everything happens at Sharky’s.

Despite the fact that my favorite couple broke up, this was a good start for the fourth season.  The cast’s chemistry was as strong as ever, Jake and Lorena’s breakup was handled intelligently, and William James Jones had some funny moments as he went mad for ballet.  And who knows?  I liked Jake and Lorena but Jake and Tiffani have chemistry as well.  Maybe this breakup was all for the best….

Episode 4.2 “My Valentine”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on September 16th, 1995)

It’s Valentine’s Day!  Looking to make his first Valentine’s Day with Samantha a special one, Tony writes a love song and has Jake sing it.  After Jake finishes the song, Sly says that it was the perfect gift.  Tiffani agrees that it was very romantic.  “No,” Sly says, “it was free.”

Oh, Sly …. never change!

Tony, however, is worried that Sam will be returning to Hong Kong as soon as they graduate from high school.  Tony’s solution is to ask her to marry him.  Sam says, “Yes!”  The audience goes crazy but the Dreams have their doubts.  Lorena and Jake think Tony and Sam are too young to get married.  Sly agrees but his main concern is whether or not Tony and Sam will hire the Dreams to play at their wedding reception.  I’m not sure how that would work, considering that Tony and Sam are in the Dreams.

Tony and Sam haven’t been engaged for more than a day before they have their first fight.  Sam discovers that Tony hasn’t told his parents that they are engaged.  “If you can’t yell your parents,” she says, “your obviously too immature to get married!”

“I’m not immature,” Tony replies, “I just didn’t want them to ground me.”

Hey, it make me laugh.  I laughed even harder when Sam revealed that she hadn’t told her parents either.

Anyway, Tony and Sam break up but, luckily, they get back together a few hours later at the big Valentine’s Day dance, agreeing to date and putting off marriage for now.  I was glad about that.  Tony and Sam are a cute couple and no one should break up on the most romantic day of the year!  While Tony and Sam are getting back together, Jake and Tiffani are having an O. Henry moment as they realize that they’ve both sold their most prized possessions to get the other a present.  It’s a sweet moment for them.  Meanwhile, Lorena gets to wear a really cute red dress so everyone’s a winner this Valentine’s Day!

I own the same dress!

Next week: Tiffani is principal for a day!  I’m sure this won’t lead to any drama at all….

Retro Television Reviews: The Brady Bunch Hour 1.5

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977.  All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!

This week, Mike and Carol Brady wonder if they truly love each other.

Episode 1.5

(Directed by Jack Regas, originally aired on March 21st, 1977)

As always, we start with the Kroftettes dancing while the audience cheers.  The announcer recites the names of our stars.  Don’t Florence Henderson and Robert Reed look happy?  Little do they suspect what’s about to happen to the marriage of Mike and Carol Brady!

Proving once again that they have their fingers on the pulse of the culture, the Bradys come out and perform Toot, Toot, Tootsie (Goo’ Bye), a song that was all the rage in 1922.  This song was already 55 years old when it was performed on this show.  Fortunately, the Kroftettes entertain the audience with some water ballet in an attempt to keep anyone from wondering why the Brady kids were so enthusiastic about singing a song that was even older than their parents.

After they finish singing, all of the Brady kids joke about how Mike can’t sing.  “I can carry a tune!” Mike objects.  Carol and the kids laugh at him.  Poor Mike!  Oblivious to how much Mike is suffering, Carol announces that tonight’s guest star is, “The always unpredictable Charo!”  Cindy says that they’ll also be joined by “the far out Hudson Brothers!”  It falls to poor Marcia to inform everyone that Rip Taylor will also be on tonight’s episode.

We then cut to Rip Taylor, who excitedly tells the audience that he’s so excited because there’s a mystery guest tonight!  He puts on a sleep mask before calling out for the mystery guest because he wants to be truly surprised.  The problem with this is that we already know who the guests are because the Bradys told us who tonight’s guests are going to be.  We know the mystery guest is not going to be Rip Taylor because he’s the one telling us about the mystery guest.  We know it’s not going to be The Hudson Brothers because Rip said “guest” and not “guests.”  So, that only leaves Charo as a possibility.

Out comes Charo.  Rip is so excited!  “I love Spanish women!” Rip exclaims.  After some pointless banter, Charo grabs a guitar, sits down on a stool, and plays a surprisingly good version of Malagueña.

We then cut to Marcia, who informs us that Mike actually got his feelings hurt after his kids humiliated him about his singing on national television.  Marcia explains that Mike was determined to show that he really could carry a tune.  “Little did he know how much trouble it would get him into,” Marcia says.  Uh-oh!

Flashback time!  At the Brady Compound, all of the Brady kids and Alice are practicing their singing and their dance moves.  They are observed by Mike, who is wearing a turtleneck that makes him look like he’s just returned from recording a commentary for NPR.  Mike announces that he’s planning on singing on the show.  Everyone struggles to find a new way to inform Mike that he can’t sing.  Carol mentions that no one can be good at everything.  “I can’t play tennis,” Carol says.  Even Rip Taylor drops by unannounced and, after singing a bit of Singin’ In The Rain, he reminds everyone that Mike can’t sing.  Needless to say, Mike is not happy to hear any of this.  Never tell a man in a turtleneck and a camel hair blazer that he can’t sing.

Mike leaves the house and heads to the set, where he tries to play a guitar.  This immediately attracts Charo who jokes about Mike’s plan to perform a song on the next show.

“I’ll level with you, Charo,” Mike gravely says, “this isn’t a joke.  I want to sing this song but nobody in my family will accompany me …. I don’t think they want to be too close to me when I sing.”

Realizing that Mike has the worst family in the world, Charo agrees to help him.  Yay, Charo!  Seriously, Mike takes himself way too seriously but his family really is the worst.  “We will make beautiful music together!” Charo announces, little aware that Rip Taylor and Carol Brady happen to be standing right behind them.

Yes, this is a terrible screenshot but it’s as good as it’s going to get on YouTube.

Cut to Carol, standing alone on stage and oversinging Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.  Seriously, though, how hard is it to apologize to Mike for rather cruelly making fun of his bad singing?  I mean, it’s not like Carol is apologizing for cheating on him or embezzling money or anything like that.  All she has to do is say, “Hey, Mike — sorry I laughed at you when you said you wanted to sing.”  If she can’t even apologize for that, then maybe Carol deserves to lose her man to Charo.

Looking like two demonic cult children, Cindy and Bobby come out and welcome us to the second half of the show.

“Mom was really worried about Dad and Charo,” Bobby says.

Cindy repeats, “Mom was really worried about Dad and Charo.”

That’s right — Cindy is now repeating everything that Bobby says, word-for-word.  That’s like not creepy at all.

At the Brady Compound, Carol tells Alice that she saw Mike and Charo singing together and now Mike wants Charo to come have dinner with the family.  Carol is really upset and worried that she’s going to lose Mike.  “I’m a bad wife and a lousy cook!” Carol says.  Wow, Carol, it sounds like maybe he should leave you.

After Carol leaves the kitchen, Greg, Marcia, and Peter come in.  Peter is impressed that his father is having an affair with Charo while Marcia, who is wearing a hat that makes her looks like she should be one of Tony Montana’s bodyguards, says that Mike is just not the type to cheat.

We then cut to the dinner with Charo.  Charo is sitting on the couch with Mike while the rest of the family awkwardly stares at them.  Charo says that she likes “hot stuff” and Carol gives her a death glare before ordering all the kids to go walk on the beach at night.  After the kids leave, Carol threatens to kill Charo and shouts, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, MIKE!?”

Carol runs outside.  After telling Charo that they better hold off on their duet, Mike goes outside and tells Carol that he understands that she was just jealous.

“Of course I’m jealous,” Carol says, “you’re a very handsome man and she’s Charo!”

Carol finally apologizes for making fun of Mike’s singing.  Was that so hard, Carol?  We then cut to Mike singing I’ve Grown Accustomed To Her Face and oh my God, his voice really is terrible.  The kids weren’t kidding when they said Mike couldn’t carry a tune.  Why did Carol allow him to do this!?

Sorry, Mike!

With all of that resolved, it’s time for the Bradys to once again prove their cultural relevance by singing Strike Up The Band, which was the most popular song of 1927.  They also perform Seventy-Six Trombones, which was only 20 years old when this episode originally aired.

We then cut to a comedic skit, featuring Charo as “Sissyrella” and Rip Taylor as her stepsister.  Sissyrella and her step sister live on a farm.  Sissyrella gets upset when she’s told that she can’t go to the hoedown.  Alice the Maid appears as Sissyrella’s fairy god mother.  The Fairy Godmother not only gives Sissyrella a nice jumpsuit to replace her farm clothes but she also announces that Sissyrella is going to go to the hoedown.  (It’s hard to describe any of this without making it sound like some sort of bad 70s porno film.)

The Hoedown is being held at a saloon.  Marcia plays a madam who flirts with a cowboy in white who is played by her stepbrother, Peter.

Meanwhile, Greg plays Black Bart, the Rhinestone Cowboy.

Sissyrella shows up and both Peter and Greg announce that they love her.  “Boys, boys,” Marcia says, “what about me?”  Well, Marcia, you’re like their stepsister so it’s not illegal but it is kind of icky.

Unfortunately, the clock hits six and Sissyrella has to get back to the barn.  However, as she runs off, Peter manages to grab Sissyrella’s boot.  Sissyrella, now once again dressed as a farmhand, come back on stage to get her boot.  Peter suggests that he and Sissyrella should ride off into the sunset together.  So, 16 year-old Peter marries 40-something Charo and the audiences goes crazy.

We then cut to Peter and Greg standing on stage.  Peter worries that Greg is going to push him into the pool.  Greg promises not to.  Greg then introduces the Hudson Brothers before pushing Peter into the pool.  Fortunately, Peter does not break his neck when he hits the water but you know it’s going to happen someday.  Maybe Mike should take a break from his affair with Charo to tell Greg and Peter the basics of swimming pool safety.

The Hudson Brothers — one of whom is the biological father of Kate Hudson, though Kate has always said that she considers Kurt Russell to be her actual father — perform Disco Queen while the Kroftettes do their thing in the pool.  It’s actually a nice break from whatever the Hell we’ve been watching for the past 40 minutes.

Now, it’s time for the finale!  This week, it’s songs about places!  As always the family introduces the finale together and then they somewhat frantically run off stage as the performance starts.  I’m not sure why this show thought it was a good idea to always show us how panicked the family was before performing and how out-of-breath they were after performing.  It really does make seem as if the show is detrimental to both their physical and mental well-being.

Mike and Carol sing a bit from Chicago (That Toodlin’ Town).  Not mentioned in their performance is Chicago’s long history of political corruption and organized crime.

Marcia sings a bit from California Dreaming, but does not mention the wildfires, the earthquakes, or the serial killers.

Carol sings Back Home Again In Indiana, but fails to mention all of the young people who suffered life-threatening injuries while playing basketball on Hang Time.

Marcia, Jan, and Cindy sing Do You Know the Way to San Jose, without mentioning the threat that Big Tech poses to human freedom.  Admittedly, that probably wasn’t as much of a concern in 1977 as it is today.  Still…

Robert Reed and Florence Henderson perform The Theme From San Francisco but somehow, they forget to mention Jim Jones and the People’s Temple.

Barry Williams and The Hudson Brothers perform a song called Philadelphia Freedom but somehow, they fail to mention the time that a bunch of Eagles fans tried to kill Santa Claus.

Ann B. Davis and Rip Taylor perform Big D, a song about Dallas.  Yay!

The entire family then performs America and United We Stand.  They’re lucky they were performing in America, where everyone has the right to be off-key.

And the show ends, with Carol announcing that tonight’s show was very special to her for many reasons.  For instance, her marriage didn’t fall apart.  Yay!  Probably the most positive thing that I can say about this episode is that Charo actually proved herself to be a far better musician and singer than I was expecting.  The worst thing that I can say is that the Sissyrella skit went on way too long.  The important thing is that, after 48 minutes, the episode ended.

Next week, Rich Little thinks that he’s a member of the Brady family!  Poor guy.

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 3.23 “Fast Times At Manny High” and 3.24 “Harlem Honey”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we explore just how stupid one show can get.

Episode 3.23 “Fast Times At Manny High”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on February 12th, 2000)

One of the strangest things about City Guys has always been the students worshipful attitude towards Ms. Noble.  Ms. Noble is the school’s principal.  She’s the authority figure.  She’s the disciplinarian.  In what world do teenagers actually like authority figures?  I mean, I know that authoritarianism is all the rage today and that there’s a lot of high school and college students out there who are desperate to have someone telling them what to do.  But City Guys is a show from the 90s.  Weren’t the 90s supposed to be about rebellion?  I was thinking about this as I watched Fast Times At Manny High because I noticed that Chris and Jamal have a picture of Ms. Noble hanging on the wall of the radio station.  Seriously, it’s creepy how obsessed the students are with their principal.  Of course, it’s possible that City Guys just wasn’t very realistic in general.  I mean, just consider the fact that Chris and Jamal had a popular radio program, despite having next to no on-air charisma or chemistry.

Anyway, in this episode, Ms. Noble decided that all of the students should fast for one night.  If the students go for an entire night without eating, a corporation will donate $500 to a hunger charity.  All of the students agree because, of course, none of them have the guts to tell Ms. Noble to stop trying to run their lives.  However, it turns out that the fast is not as easy as anyone thought it would be.  I mean, they’re going 9 to 10 hours without eating!  OH MY GOD, SUCH COMMITMENT!

For some reason, the fast is held on the roof of Manny High.  (I really worry about that roof, to be honest.  I once snuck out onto the roof of my high school and I got yelled at because apparently, the roof was in really bad shape and, despite the fact that I barely weighed 100 pounds, there was a risk that it could collapse underneath me.  Meanwhile, at Manny High, they’re using the roof for carnivals, fashion shows, protests, radio contests, and fasts!)

Anyway, the kids screw up the fast.  (It’s almost as if they’re irresponsible teenagers!)  Jamal and Chris sneak off to go on a date with two of their listeners and then, while sneaking back into the school, they end up in Noble’s classroom..  Al and Dawn sneak off to celebrate their anniversary, in Noble’s classroom..  (Yeah, that relationship is still going on.)  L-Train tries to sneak food into the fast and ends up eating in Noble’s classroom..  Cassidy sneaks off the roof to try to sneak a rewritten term paper into Ms. Noble’s classroom.  Of course, they’re all too stupid to pull it off and the corporation announces that they will not be donating $500 to the homeless.  Ms. Noble is very disappointed in all of them, even though L-Train explains that he had to break the fast because he was getting so hungry that he was thinking of eating Al.

(Maybe Ms, Noble could just donate $500 to the charity herself.  I mean, she is the one with a job.)

The kids feel guilty and they all agree that they have to do something to help.  L-Train says that he can’t do anything until he gets some food.  L-Train …. IT’S ONLY BEEN 6 HOURS!  I used to go weeks without eating until I got yelled at by my doctor,

Anyway, the rule-breakers agree to cook breakfast for the kids who did fast and apparently, this inspires the corporation to donate $500 to charity so I guess everything worked out.

Stupid episode.  Let’s move on.

Episode 3.24 “Harlem Honey”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on March 11th, 2000)

“This is New York Diner, no place is finer!” Jamal says as he answers the phone at his Dad’s restaurant.  Already, we know that this episode is going to suck.

Anyway, Jamal’s father (Ivory Ocean) is upset because his latest girlfriend has dumped him.  In order to cheer him up, Jamal and Chris go online and, using the name Harlem Honey, start sending romantic emails to Jamal’s father.  However, when Jamal’s father says that he wants to meet his new girlfriend, Jamal and Chris decide to recruit Ms. Noble to pretend to be Harlem Honey and….

…..

…..

Sorry, I was silent screaming.  Anyway….

Remember how I said Fast Times At Manny High was a dumb episode?  Well, it’s brilliant compared to Harlem Honey.  What teenager — no matter how lonely their father may be — is going to set a parent up with their high school principal!?  Anyway, Noble refuses but fortunately, L-Train’s aunt is single but then Ms. Noble changes her mind and she and Jamal’s father pretend to be in love and…

….

….

Yes, I was silently screaming again.

Can we just move on from this episode and pretend that I never saw it?  That sounds good to me!

Next week, the third season of City Guys ends!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.25 “Pacific Princess Overtures / Gopher, the Rebel / Cabin Fever”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat

Today, we wrap up season one of The Love Boat!  All aboard!

Episode 1.25 “Pacific Princess Overtures / Gopher, the Rebel / Cabin Fever”

(Dir by Alan Baron, originally aired on May 20th, 1978)

As I sat down to watch this episode on Paramount Plus, I was once again confronted with that weird commercial featuring P!nk and Michael Phelps tossing a big red COVID germ at each other.  I’ve seen this commercial a few times.  It’s popular not only on Paramount Plus but also on Hulu and Peacock.  For a commercial that’s all about the terrors of COVID, I have to say that representing the risk by using a big rubber ball feels a bit …. well, counterproductive.  (Actually, perhaps silly would be a better way to describe it.)  To be honest, P!nk and Michael Phelps look like they’re almost having too much fun tossing COVID at each other.  Someday, someone will actually take a serious look at how and why the combined efforts of the media and the advertising industry struggled to convince people to take the vaccine and this commercial will hopefully be remembered.  Considering that it’s the elderly who are at the greatest risk when it comes to COVID, it’s interesting that almost all of the vaccination commercials that I’ve seen have been stylistically aimed at older millennials.  Michael Phelps saying that his depression puts him at a greater risk of COVID is not the sort of thing that’s going to convince an 80 year-old to get a booster.

Speaking of commercials, the first season finale of The Love Boat featured Antonio Fargas as an advertising exec named Lee Graham.  When we first see him, he’s saying goodbye to his wife as he boards the ship.  He tells her that he’ll miss her and that the only reason he’s going to be on the boat is because he’s working on ad campaign for the cruise company.  Of course, he’s lying.  He’s actually taking the cruise so that he can spend some time with his mistress, Andrea (Jonelle Allen).  Lee and Andrea are excited to finally have a few days where they can be with each other without feeling like they have to hide for everyone.  However, Lee soon discovers that his nosy neighbors (played by Kaye Bass and Elias Jacob) are also on the boat!  As a result, Lee doesn’t get a chance to cheat on his wife and, at the end of the cruise, he and Andrea realize that they don’t want to continue their adulterous ways.  Fortunately, it turns out that Lee’s wife already knew about the affair and is incredibly forgiving.  I’m not really sure why she’s so forgiving but hey, it was the 70s!  It’s not like The Love Boat is going to end with a divorce.  That’s more of a 90s thing.

While this is going, ruthless business tycoon Mr. Yamashiro (Pat Morita — yes, you read that correctly) is determined to convince Ruth Newman (Diane Baker) to sell him her late husband’s factory.  Yamashiro even orders his assistant, Ken Davis (Gary Collins), to trick Ruth by pretending to fall in love with her.  However, Ken really does fall in love with her and he loses his job as a result.  Fear not, though.  Ruth hires him and agrees to invest in a special, voice-activated word processor that he’s created.  Yamashiro is so impressed that he agrees to invest as well.  Yamashiro says that they can consider his investment to be a wedding present.  Ruth and Ken have only known each other for a few days but sure, why shouldn’t they get married?  I mean, it’s the 70s!  People get married about knowing each other for a weekend and then they forgive each other for cheating.  Love is all around, no need to waste it.  They’re all going to make it, after all.

However, none of those stories can compare to what happens to Gopher.  After starting the cruise in a bad mood because he feels that Captain Stubing doesn’t respect him,  Gopher falls for a young communist named Vanessa!  And Vanessa is played by Eve Plumb.  That’s right!  This episode features the original Jan Brady filling Gopher’s head with a bunch of Marxist nonsense!  Vanessa is traveling on the boat with her wealthy father (Don Porter) and she sure does resent all of the money that’s being spent on the cruise.  When she tells Gopher that he should stop taking orders from the Captain because, as “members of the Personhood,” no one has any right to order anyone else around, Gopher takes her words to heart and he ended up getting fired for insubordination!  Fortunately, it doesn’t take long  for both Vanessa and Gopher to see the errors of their ways and the Captain hires Gopher back, with the understanding that Gopher will never again bring a certain impractical economic theory.  It’s a bit like that episode where the Captain told Isaac that he was spending too much time learning about black history.  The Captain’s not going to let his purser go down the Marxist rabbit hole!

And so, the first season comes to a close.  This was a good episode with which to end the season.  Though his storyline was undeniably icky, Antonio Fargas proved himself to be a talented physical comedian as he tried to keep his neighbors from noticing his girlfriend.  The second story was a bit bland but Pat Morita transcended his stereotypical role.  And seriously, how can you not enjoy Eve Plumb radicalizing Gopher?

When The Love Boat began, the crew was unsure of how to react around Captain Stubing.  As the first season comes to a close, they’ve learned that Stubing will always have their back, as long as they don’t talk about Black History or Marxism.  What will the crew discover about their captain during season 2?  We’ll find out soon!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 2.9 “The Appointment/Mr. Tattoo”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Tattoo finally gets his chance to be in charge!

Episode 2.10 “The Appointment/Mr. Tattoo”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on November 18th, 1978)

This week’s episode opens with Tattoo in a very good mood.  Apparently, Mr. Roarke has promised Tattoo that Tattoo will someday get a chance to be in charge of a guest’s fantasy and Tattoo has decided that he is now ready to take on that responsibility!  As is typical of this show, Roarke responds to Tattoo’s enthusiasm by pretending to not remember what Tattoo is talking about.  Tattoo not only has to explain their deal but he literally has to beg Roarke to uphold his part of the bargain.  Roarke smiles at Tattoo’s excitement and says, in a tone that suggests the opposite, “I can hardly wait.”

(In many ways, Tattoo has the same relationship with Roarke that Nick Nack had with Scaramanga in The Man With The Golden Gun.  There’s a lot of passive-aggressive resentment to be found in every exchange between the two.)

Tattoo is in charge of granting the fantasies of Dee Dee (Barbi Benton) and near-sighted Evelyn Kastenbaum (Connie Stevens).  Dee Dee and Evelyn are Vegas showgirls who want to marry millionaires.  Tattoo hires two lounge singers, Jack (Troy Donahue) and Bernie (Fred Grandy), and instructs them to write a Broadway musical that will star Dee Dee and Evelyn.  Investors will come to the Island to see about investing in the show and surely, two of them will fall in love with Dee Dee and Evelyn!

It sounds like a great plan!  Way to go, Tattoo!

The only problem is that Dee Dee and Evelyn end up falling in love with Jack and Bernie.  In fact, during the musical’s big wedding number, the four of them are married by a minister who, Roarke explains, has always had a fantasy about appearing in a musical.  Tattoo is upset.  He says that he failed to grant the girls their fantasies.  But then Roarke explains that Bernie and Jack are actually millionaire playwrights who came to the island to fulfill their fantasy of writing a musical.  It all works out, even if it does appear that Tattoo was actually never really in charge of the fantasy.

While this is going on, Dr. John Carlson (Bert Convy) has a fantasy about meeting with a big financial backer and getting the money to build a hospital that will be named after himself.  However, while trying to drive to the meeting, John comes across a Fantasy Islander (Nancy Kwan) who is in the middle of a very difficult labor.  It turns out that her village only has one doctor and he’s away.  To save her life, Dr. Carlson will not only have to miss his meeting but he will also have to rediscover the joy of taking care of patients on a one-on-one basis.

(Why did all of the native Fantasy Islanders live in remote villages with so few modern resources?  Did Mr. Roarke just not care about them?)

Oh no, Dr. Carlson didn’t get his fantasy!  But don’t worry.  It turns out that Dr. Carlson’s wife (Tasha Noble) had a fantasy that the doctor would finally rediscover his love for medicine and that their marriage would improve.  So, at least someone got what they wanted!

Dr. Carlson’s fantasy was fairly predictable but the stuff with the showgirls, the playwrights, and the Broadway show was actually pretty cute.  It was definitely silly but Fantasy Island is at its best when its silly.  Plus, Mr. Tattoo finally got his fantasy.  Yay!

It was a fun episode.