Cleaning Out The DVR: To Kill A Stepfather (dir by Peter Sullivan)


As with so many Lifetime films, To Kill A Stepfather opens with a murder.

Matthew (Dan Golden) is a pillar of his small town’s community.  He’s well-liked by all and he’s renowned for the way his voice sounds whenever he sings with the choir.  His wife, Kate (Elyse Mirto), is a bit less popular with the community but everyone agrees that Matthew has been good as stepfather to her daughter, Riley (Kelly McCart).

Of course, Riley is not Kate’s only daughter.  Nicole (Alex Camacho) is a high-priced defense attorney who left home a long time ago and who has never really made peace with her memories of her mother being an alcoholic.  Nicole barely knows Matthew.  She’s been too busy pursuing her career to keep up with what’s happening at her former home.  Nicole is one of those lawyers who gets yelled at by strangers because so many of her clients are guilty.  Now, of course, Nicole’s job is to defend her clients.  Guilty or not, anyone accused of a crime is entitled to representation and the job of a defense attorney is to serve as their client’s advocate and help them make their way through the complexities of the American legal system.  In other words, Nicole is doing her job.  Get off her back, people!

One night, Matthew and Kate’s neighbors hear an argument coming from their house.  Inside the house, someone shoves Matthew down a flight of stairs and kills him.  When the police arrest Kate for the crime, Riley calls the only attorney that she knows, her older sister Nicole.  Nicole returns to her hometown and discovers that, even in jail and desperately needing an attorney, her mother still isn’t happy to see her.  Indeed, Kate even says that she would prefer a different lawyer but Nicole takes one look at the ambulance chaser who has been assigned to the case and declares that she’s taking over her mother’s defense.

Apparently, this film was inspired by a true story but it plays out like a typical Lifetime courtroom drama.  That’s not a complaint, of course.  The familiarity is one of the things that people love about Lifetime movies.  From the minute that Nicole meets Kate in prison, the viewer will suspect that they know where the story is heading but that’s okay.  The destination is less important than the journey and the journey is enjoyably melodramatic.  Alex Camacho and Kelly McCart are instantly believable as sisters and Elyse Mirto gives a good performance as the mother who wants to hold onto her secrets, even if they mean possibly going to prison.  In the end, the important thing is that the film embraces the melodrama.  That’s really the main thing that we ask from our Lifetime films.

That said, I was kind of amused by how “slick” all of the attorneys in the film were.  I’ve worked as an administrative assistant in a law office.  I’ve known a few lawyers.  I’ve been to the courthouses.  Attorneys are usually the most shabbily-dressed people in the courthouse and, usually, they’re juggling way too much to have time to stand around and exchange snarky bon mots.  But again, one doesn’t watch a legal drama on Lifetime because they’re looking for a realistic portrait of the American legal system.  On Lifetime, all lawyers are perfectly dressed and have not a hair out of place and that’s more than alright.

A Blast From The Past: How To Keep A Job


Just in time for the Labor Day, here’s a short film from 1949 about How To Keep A Job!

Edward is kind of a dummy.  He goes to a job interview and spends the whole time not only trashing his former employer but also trying to avoid admitting that he was fired from his previous job.  Fortunately, the man interviewing him can tell that Edward still has potential, despite the fact that he’s kind of a squirmy idiot.

The interviewer tells Edward the story of twin brothers who worked in shipping.  One brother was smart and responsible and always a good worker.  That bother is now on the verge of being promoted.  The other brother, Walter, was irresponsible and more concerned with getting ready for a date than actually doing his job.  The message would seem to be that Edward is running the risk of turning into Walter but wait a minute!  There’s a twist!

This is certainly an earnest short film.  Of course, when seen today, it’s more goofy than educational.  I have to admit that films like this always used to make me feel guilty because they’re like, “You must follow these exact steps to get and keep a job,” and I’m over here like, “Or you can just wait for a friend of your mom’s to give you a job!”  But anyway, here’s How To Keep A Job!

September Positivity: A Town Called Parable (dir by Scott Hester)


In 2021’s A Town Called Parable, Eric Roberts plays Reverend John Corell.  He’s a pastor who lives in a small frontier town called Parable.  It’s a town that’s full of gunslingers, gamblers, and businessmen.  It’s the Old West, as long as you’re willing to overlook the fact that most of the characters have modern haircuts and wear clothes that look like they were purchased from the neighborhood costume shop.

John Corell is having a crisis of faith, due to the fact that some gunslingers gunned down his brother in the middle of the night.  Corell is not sure how he can possibly be expected to forgive the men that killed his brother.  He wants revenge but he knows that seeking revenge will mean rejecting everything that he believes in.

Now, to be honest, the idea of Eric Roberts playing a morally conflicted, old west preacher-turned-gunfighter actually does have some potential and I was totally looking forward to the sight of Roberts walking down a dusty street and demanding that his enemies “Draw!”  Unfortunately, the majority of that potential is unrealized.  The film only runs for a little over 70 minutes and most of Eric Roberts’s scenes feature him performing a monologue in his church.  As Corell speaks, he remembers things that have happened to other citizens of Parable.  Needless to say, there’s a lesson to be found in every flashback.  The town isn’t called Parable for nothing.

For instance, Corell remembers the starving man who kept knocking at everyone’s door until he finally found someone willing to give him some food.  He remembers the widow who kept demanding that the sheriff do something about the men who killed her husband and how she refused to stop demanding until justice was served.  He also remembers the drunken employee who was forgiven once by his employer but who didn’t change his ways and who was savagely beaten as a result.  (His wife and child were also sold to the highest bidder …. YIKES!)  The stories all roughly correspond to a Biblical parable but, at the same time, they don’t offer up much of a solution as to what Corell should do when the men who killed his brother gather outside of his church.

It’s a disappointing film and one that does not take advantage of the presence of Eric Roberts.  I mean, if you can actually convince Eric Roberts to spend more than day on your set, you need to do something more with him than just have him pace around one location.  Fortunately, there are other Eric Roberts westerns out there that make better use of his unique talents.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Star 80 (1983)
  2. Blood Red (1989)
  3. The Ambulance (1990)
  4. The Lost Capone (1990)
  5. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  6. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  7. Sensation (1994)
  8. Dark Angel (1996)
  9. Doctor Who (1996)
  10. Most Wanted (1997)
  11. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  12. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  13. Hey You (2006)
  14. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  15. The Expendables (2010) 
  16. Sharktopus (2010)
  17. Deadline (2012)
  18. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  19. Worth: The Testimony of St. James (2012)
  20. Lovelace (2013)
  21. Self-Storage (2013)
  22. This Is Our Time (2013)
  23. Inherent Vice (2014)
  24. Road to the Open (2014)
  25. Rumors of War (2014)
  26. Amityville Death House (2015)
  27. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  28. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  29. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  30. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  31. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  32. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  33. Monster Island (2019)
  34. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  35. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  36. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  37. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  38. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  39. Top Gunner (2020)
  40. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  41. Killer Advice (2021)
  42. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  43. My Dinner With Eric (2022)

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television — 8/27/23 — 9/2/23


Big Brother 25 (24/7, Paramount+ and CBS)

I wrote about Big Brother here!

CHiPs (Weekday Mornings, GET TV)

I watched two episodes of this very 70s cop show on Friday morning.  Both episodes featured car crashes and California living.  I liked the opening, bass-heavy theme music.

Claim to Fame (Monday Night, ABC)

Nick Cannon’s brother, Gabriel, ended up winning the show.  (It’s kind of weird how everyone just shrugged off Nick Cannon making all of those anti-Semitic comments on that podcast.)  This was an amusing reality show, even if all of my favorites were eliminated early on.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched a two-part episode in which Dr. Phil talked to a mother who had a YouTube channel dedicated to exploiting her autistic child.  The mother was convinced her child was schizophrenic as well as autistic and kept talking over both Dr. Phil and all other medical experts on the show.  She had a very annoying habit of nodding and saying, “Yes, I agree,” whenever anyone would disagree with her.  Seriously, she was the most annoying person that I’ve ever seen on a talk show.  I then watched another episode featuring a middle-aged woman who was into S&M and who had recently invited sex offender to come live with her and her 9 year-old daughter.  Yikes!

On Wednesday morning, I watched an episode in which Dr. Phil talked to a handsome young drug addict who claimed that he had written all of Taylor Swift’s songs.  Then, later that night, I watched an episode about fighting sisters.  To be honest, I’m not sure that Phil really helped any of them.

Geraldo (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched an episode of this 90s talk show in which Geraldo Rivera talked to New York club kids.  Michael Alig looked like he couldn’t wait to murder someone.

Jane Pratt (YouTube)

This was a talk show from the 90s.  On Tuesday, I watched an episode called “Raves and Ecstasy.”  I immediately recognize the host as one of the victims from The Boogeyman.

Jenny Jones (YouTube)

Jenny Jones talked to people who called off their weddings due to stuff that happened at Bachelor and Bachelorette parties.  Jenny got extremely flustered while talking about the strippers.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Sally Jessy Raphael (YouTube)

On Thursday morning, I watched an episode featuring “out of control teens” who were sent to boot camp.  The audience loved watching the teens suffers at boot camp but I suspect it probably didn’t do much good as far as the teens were concerned.  Later, during the afternoon, I watched an episode featuring out-of-control teens.  Two terrifying people from the Tough Love Organization, showed up and ordered all of the parents to divorce their children.

South Central (YouTube)

I wrote about South Central here!

Stars on Mars (Monday Night, Fox)

On the finale of Stars on Mars, Adam Rippon emerged as the winner so I guess he is the new Warlord of Mars now.

Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

I watched two episodes on Thursday night.  Steve kicked abusers off of his stage.  GO, STEVE!

T. and T.  (Tubi)

I wrote about T. and T. here!

Welcome Back Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back Kotter here!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.3 “Sweatside Story” and 2.4 “The Fight”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the Sweathogs get violent!

Episode 2.3 “Sweatside Story”

(Dir by Bill Persky, originally aired on October 7th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a highway patrolman and who once chased a guy who was running 80 miles per hour.  I didn’t really get the joke.

At school, class is interrupted by a fire drill.  While Horshack panics, Epstein tells Barbarino that he’s tired of drills and is thinking of setting the school on fire so that “they can see how it’s done under real pressure.”  While everyone waits in the hallway, Woodman shows up, accuses the Sweathogs of pulling the alarm, and then starts doing unconstitutional locker searches.

“What is this?” Gabe asks, “Be Cruel To Sweathogs Day?”

“Every day is Be Cruel To Sweathogs Day,” Woodman replies.

Woodman discovers that Barbarino has a jacket with “Sweathogs” written on the back of it.  OH MY GOD, THE SWEATHOGS ARE STARTING A GANG!  And they actually are.  (“I haven’t been invited to join,” Horshack says, which should be taken as proof positive that this gang is serious business.)  Gabe warns them that wearing jackets and starting gangs is a good way to get hurt.  On cue, Freddie shows up and says that another gang jumped him for invading their territory.

Later, back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that he fears the Sweathogs are going to get into a “rumble.”  Suddenly, Horshack shows up at the apartment, looking like a refugee from a John Waters movie.  Gabe tells Horshack about how violent rumbles can get and asks Horshack if he’s prepared to be hit around like a hockey puck.

“I want to be a punk, not a puck!” Horshack announces.  Uhmm….

Hanging around outside the school, Barbarino, Freddie, and Washington try remember how they were all initiated into their gang and it turns out that none of them were actually initiated.  Barbarino states that, when he started the gang, he spent a week watching Gilligan’s Island to toughen himself up.  Freddie explains that he became a member of the gang through Barbarino’s minority recruitment plan.  Epstein, of course, has a note from Epstein’s Mom.  Suddenly, Horshack shows up, prepared to be initiated into the gang.

Barbarino has no idea how to initiate Horshack but says that he’ll figure out how to do it “once I get my thoughts deranged.”

Suddenly, Gabe and Woodman show up, also wearing black leather jackets and looking to be initiated into the gang.  Gabe explains that he brought Woodman because Woodman has the key to the nurse’s office, which they’ll need after the rumble.

The rival gang then shows up, demanding to know why the Sweathogs are looking for them.  However, when they discover that both a teacher and the school’s vice principal are members of the Sweathog Gang, the rival gang leader announces that this school is too tough for them and they agree to negotiate a peace settlement between the two gangs.

Later, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Harry Kotter, who bought a suit that was too big for him.

This episode felt a bit off.  Even by the standards of this show, the humor felt a bit overly broad and the Sweathogs’s naivety about what it meant to be in a gang never seemed credible.  I mean, they essentially were a gang during the first season!  If anything, the Sweathogs felt a bit neutered and too family-friendly in this episode.  They were missing the edge that often elevated the episodes during the first season.  That said, John Sylvester White had some good moments.  It’s hard not to enjoy Mr. Woodman’s total disgust with the world and everyone in it.

Episode 2.4 “The Fight”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on October 21st, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie a joke about how his father always wanted him to date a girl just like his mother, which is something that I’m sure Julie appreciated hearing.

At school, Freddie is upset to learn that 1) Epstein gave Barbarino Freddie’s English homework to do and 2) Barbarino forgot to do it.

“Because of you, I’m going to get an F in English!” Freddie snaps at Barbarino.

“If it makes you feel any better,” Barbarino replies, “so am I.”

An argument breaks out between Freddie, Barbarino, and Epstein but Gabe breaks it up by ordering them into the classroom.  For their Social Studies homework, all of the Sweathogs have been asked to either write about or bring in their most prized possession.  Barbarino shows off his little black book.  Freddie shows off his pet flea, Howard.  (Unfortunately, Howard is killed when Freddie asks Horshack to give him five.)  Epstein has a toy boat.  Horshack starts to talk about how his ancestor, Popeye Horshack, discovered Coney Island and accidentally sits on the boat, destroying it.  While Horshack tries to apologize, he accidentally mentions that he’s been doing Barbarino’s homework for Gabe’s class.

Frustrated, Gabe orders everyone to remain quiet while he steps outside and takes two aspirin.

However, as soon as Gabe leaves, Barbarino taunts Horshack and Epstein for being short and then complains that the entire class is short.  Freddie stands up and says, “Hi there.  I’m tall.”  Epstein climbs a on top of Gabe’s desk and says that, “I’ve had it with Hi There!”  Freddie replies that he’s sick of Horshack’s laugh.  Horshack says that he’s tired of Epstein’s phony notes.  Epstein then makes fun of Barbarino for being stupid.

“In your pants with a bag of ants!” Barbarino declares.

“In your pockets with red hot rockets,” Freddie counters.

Gabe re-enters the classroom and tells everyone to stop yelling.  Gabe need not worry because the Sweathogs announce that they are never going to speak to each other again.

Later, at the apartment, Gabe struggles to eat Julie’s famous tuna casserole.  “You think I like spending my entire life listening to your stupid jokes!?” Julie demands.  Gabe replies that he has to tell jokes to cheer himself up after eating Julie’s food.

Suddenly, Barbarino shows up, panicking about how he’s going to get the Sweathogs to follow his orders if they won’t talk to him.  Gabe says that he has to be a big enough person to say that he’s sorry and then Gabe apologizes to Julie.  Gabe and Julie then attempt to have an honest conversation about their argument while Barbarino continually asks them what they have to eat at the apartment.  Gabe suggests that Julie just not make tuna casserole anymore.  Julie throws food at Gabe.  Gabe throws food at Julie.  Barbarino asks if they have any espresso and gets even more food tossed at him.

The next day, at school, Gabe asks Woodman to come into his class, apologize for something, and allow Gabe to forgive him so that the Sweathogs can learn an important lesson.

“I don’t do requests, Kotter,” Woodman replies, “Do I look like Wolfman Jack? …. I don’t have anything to apologize for.”

Gabe then suggests that Woodman could enter the class and Gabe could be the one who apologizes.  That sounds good to Woodman.  However, once they enter the classroom, Gabe apologizes for a prank he pulled ten years earlier and Woodman refuses to accept the apology.  As Woodman leaves, Horshack asks Gabe to keep it down because “There are people trying to be angry in here.”

Barbarino, realizing that he’s responsible for fixing this problem, orders Horshack to apologize to Epstein.  After Gabe tells them that their friendship should be their most prized possession, Epstein forgives Horshack.  Barbarino apologizes for not doing Freddie’s homework and soon, everyone is hugging.  Awwwww!

Later, at the apartment, Gabe is all alone because Julie is at her friend Candy’s place.  Gabe calls Candy and asks to speak Julie.  When Julie comes to the phone, Gabe says, “Julie, did I ever tell you about my Aunt Edna?”  Julie hangs up on him.

This episode was a definite improvement on the previous one, with the emphasis being on the chemistry between the Sweathogs and their own hostile but ultimately affectionate interactions.  If the Sweathogs seemed neutered when they tried to start a gang, they regained their edge just one episode later.  So far, the best episodes of Welcome Back Kotter have been the ones where each member of the group gets a chance to shine and that’s certainly the case with this episode.

By the way, speaking as someone who can be a bit sensitive about her own cooking skills, I think Gabe is totally right about the tuna casserole.  Seriously, there’s comes a time when you just have to admit that you’re never going to master the casserole.

A Blast From The Past: Maintaining Classroom Discipline


Since this is Labor Day weekend, it seems like an appropriate time to share a short film about one of our most valuable professions, teaching.

In 1947’s Maintaining Classroom Discipline, Mr. Grimes is a Math teacher who is disappointed in his stupid, stupid students.  How should he deal with them?  This short film gives us two options.  The first half of the film (which, if we’re going to be honest, is the more fun half of the film), Mr. Grimes is hard-nosed and sarcastic, telling the students that he’s very disappointed in them and giving them all detention when they make fun of him.  (One of them even misses football practice!)  This approach does not work and, instead, leads to montage of Mr. Grimes giving detention to student after student.  One student is kicked out of class and told not to return until he’s ready to apologize.  I mean, seriously, Mr. Grimes is basically telling him that he can just leave the school if he wants.

The second half of the film features Mr. Grimes instead being polite about the low test score and patiently explaining to his students how ratio works.  When one student tries to make fun of Mr. Grimes, the entire class rolls their eyes.  Earth-2 Mr. Grimes is a good teacher and his class would die for him!

Personally, if I was a teacher, I have no idea how I would maintain discipline.  I’d probably just make sure that my classroom was near the principal’s office so I can pull him in whenever I wanted to.  To me, the worst thing about giving a student detention isn’t the fact that the student will resent you for it but that apparently, you’re required to stick around until detention has been served.  Seriously, I enjoy working and all but I also like going home.

Anyway, let’s all learn from Mr. Grimes, shall we?

A Blast From The Past: The Secretary’s Day


Since we are entering the Labor Day weekend, this seems like a good time to share a blast from the past that comes us all the way from 1947.

In The Secretary’s Day, viewers are told and shown what it takes to be a secretary.  Do you know how to take dictation?  Do you know how to carefully open up letters?  Do you know how to be courteous to random people who wander into the office?  More importantly, do you know how to make sure that Marge the Stenographer never gets into her head to try to seal your job away from you?

I watched this short film with a bit more interest than usual because I actually have worked as an administrative assistant in the past.  Watching the film’s lead character obsess over her desk calendar brought back some memories but I think that just has more to do with the fact that I’m obsessed with calendars than anything else.  To me, the main message of this film seemed to be, “A secretary’s day is pretty dull but at least she can bully the stenographer.”

Anyway, here’s a trip back to 1947!  The war is over, the Great Depression was now a memory, and Americans, flush with victory, were looking for jobs!  Check out The Secretary’s Day!

The TSL Grindhouse: Project Shadowchaser (dir by John Eyres)


The 1992 film, Project Shadowchaser, takes place in the near future.  It’s a time when cyborgs are a common sight and criminals are frozen and sent to a cryogenic prison.  At the same time, it’s close enough to the present that the FBI is still America’s main law enforcement agency and the President is still a powerful enough figure that terrorists would want to abduct his daughter.  It’s also close enough to the present that terrorists are still learning how to do their job from watching Die Hard.

Romulus (Frank Zagarino) is a cyborg who takes a hospital hostage, all to track down the president’s daughter, Sarah (Meg Foster).  The FBI feels that only the hospital’s architect, Mr. Dixon, can figure out the best way for the FBI’s strike force to enter the hospital.  Unfortunately, Mr. Dixon broke the law and has been put on deep freeze.  When the stoner who runs the cryogenic prison is told to thaw out Mr. Dixon, he screws up and accidentally unfreezes DeSilva (Martin Kove), a former football quarterback.

Knowing a good thing when he sees it, DeSilva pretends to be Dixon but, once he and the strike force enter the building, it become apparent that DeSilva/Dixon has no idea what he’s talking about.  All of the members of the strike force are killed when an elevator explodes.  Only DeSilva survives and now, whether he wants to or not, he’s going to have to battle the terrorists and save the President’s daughter!  It’s a good thing that she’s a football fan.

What a dumb movie this turned out to be!  Seriously, you can add all of the sci-fi elements to your Die Hard rip-off that you want to, a Die Hard rip-off is still a Die Hard rip-off and it’s hard to think of any other film (with the possible exception of No Contest) that so slavishly follows the Die Hard formula.  There’s nothing particularly surprising to be found in Project Shadowchaser.  The minute that Kinderman (Joss Ackland) shows up and declares that he’s taking over the operation from FBI agent Trevanian (Paul Koslo), it’s obvious that he’s going to turn out to be the one behind Romulus’s actions.  And from the minute that DeSilva meets Sarah, it’s obvious that they’re destined to fall in love.

I like Martin Kove on Cobra Kai and Kove brings a similar self-awareness to his role as DeSilva.  At times, Kove appears to almost be winking at the audience, as if he’s saying, “Hey, I can’t believe I’m in this movie either.  What are you going to do?”  Unfortunately, Kove often seems to be the only person in the film who is really in on the joke.  Needless to say, Project Shadowchaser is no Cobra Kai.

That said, I did appreciate the fact that the film’s entire plot hinged on a government employee accidentally unfreezing the wrong guy.  As a portrait of bureaucratic incompetence, Project Shadowchaser works perfectly.  I mean, let’s be honest.  If there ever was a cryogenic prison, the wrong people would probably be getting unfrozen all the time.  No one’s going to keep track of who is in which pod.

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 1.7 “The Silver Angel” and 1.8 “And Baby Makes Nine”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, we meet T.S. Turner’s family!

Episode 1.7 “The Silver Angel”

(Dir by Donald Shebib, originally aired on February 22nd, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T informs us, “Amy and I get mixed up with a modern day Robin Hood and we are forced to recruit some heavyweight help.”

The Silver Angel is a silver-clad trumpet player who has been going to a high-priced grocery store, filling his cart with food, and then running off with the cart and not paying.  The police that think that they have finally arrested him.  However, the man that they caught is Duffy (Edward Atienza), an elderly crossing guard who doesn’t even seem to know what’s happening to him.  Amy is assigned to his case.

T.S., however, has other things to worry about.  As he explains to gym owner Decker, his nephew is a member of a rap group known as The Fat Boys and, as you might guess from their name, they’re a bit overweight.  Their manager wants The Fat Boys to lose a few pounds before their next tour and who better to oversee their diet than T.S. and his friend Decker?  The Fat Boys show up at the gym and it’s time for an exercise montage!

Anyway, it soon becomes apparent that Duffy is not as senile and frail as he appears to be and he actually is the Silver Angel.  Amy discovers that Duffy has been taking the stolen food to a homeless shelter.

“It’s still a crime,” T.S. says.

“I know.  It looks like I’m going to lose this case!” Amy declares, as if she’s the first attorney to ever defend someone who was guilty.  One would think that Amy would understand that the job of a defense attorney is to serve as an advocate for their client and to help them make their way through the legal system.  The question of whether or not the guy is actually guilty really isn’t the issue that she should be concerning herself with.

The Fat Boys, overhearing Amy and T.S.’s conversation, decide that they need to help the Silver Angel.  “My mind is clear,” one of the Fat Boys says, “so you stay right here!”  Did I mention that the Fat Boys rap all of their dialogue?  “I went downtown to get this stuff,” another Fat Boy declares as they collect food to give to the homeless, “Come on, brothers, it’s up to us!”

Anyway, Duffy puts on his angel costume once again and shows up at the grocery store.  When the store’s manager, Mr. Hanlon (Sam Moses), orders security to catch the Angel, the Fat Boys suddenly show up in angel costumes and it leads to a chase scene throughout the store.

T.S. brings the chase to a close by grabbing Mr. Hanlon, lifting him up and carrying him around the store.  T.S. tossed Mr. Hanlon into a display of eggs and declares, “Sorry, brother!  Nobody touches an angel!”

How about a thief?  Are they allowed to touch a thief?

Anyway, for some reason, Hanlon drops the charges so I guess Duffy gets away with his crimes and Amy maintains her perfect acquittal record.

This was dumb.  Grocery store owners don’t owe you a thing and, by stealing all of that food, the only thing Duffy did was probably cost everyone their Christmas bonus.  I mean, is there a reason why he couldn’t buy food and then take it to the homeless shelter?  Some hero.  More like the Silver Jackass, am I right?  Let’s move on.

Episode 1.8 “And Baby Makes Nine”

(Dir by Harvey Frost, originally aired on February 29th, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “Amy and I find that more than just diapers are dirty when we track down the person responsible for an abandoned baby.”

One of Amy’s clients leaves a baby on the front doorstep on the office, along with a note that says she’ll be back in a few days.  As opposed to calling the police or child protective services, Amy gives the baby to T.S. to look after.  T.S. takes the baby to the hospital and, after discovering the baby is in perfect health, he takes the baby to Decker’s gym.  Amy is not happy when she sees T.S.’s car parked outside the gym.  A gym is no place for a child, she declares, not with all the sweaty men around.

“The baby has to learn how to sweat,” Decker replies, “He can’t pant like a dog for all of his life!”

Back at the office, Amy explains that parenting is a little bit more complicated nowadays than it was when T.S. was a child.

“Babies still need to be changed, don’t they?” T.S. replies, “Wow!  Look at the great job I did on his diaper!”

Anyway, the baby is actually the son of Henry (Martin Neufeld) and Betty (Joanne Vannicola).  Henry made a deal with a corrupt adoption attorney named Mr. Finn (David Calderisi) to sell his son.  Not wanting to lose her child, Betty dropped the child off at the law office in the hopes that Amy would know how to stop the adoption.  When Henry goes down to the gym to try to grab his son, he is instead grabbed by T.S. Turner.  When Turner threatens to sell Henry, Henry asks what he’s talking about.

“We’re talking about baby selling, Henry!” Turner replies, “We’re talking about what type of man would sell his own flesh and blood!  What do you think we should do to a father who would sell his own son?”

Turner scares Henry straight and he promises not to sell the baby.  Betty forgives him, which is kind of weird.

“It’s people like you,” Amy later hisses at Finn, “who give my profession a bad name.”

And that’s the end of that.  This was yet another episode that would have worked better if the story played out of an hour instead of just 30 minutes.  As it is, the whole thing felt rather rushed.  That said, at least Betty was a more sympathetic client than the Silver Angel jackass.

Next week: T. and T. reminds us that it’s a Canadian show with an episode that is all about hockey!

Retro Television Reviews: South Central 1.1 “Pilot” and 1.2 “Money”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing South Central, which aired, for 10 episodes, on Fox in 1994.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Having just spent a year reviewing City Guys, it only seems appropriate to devote a month to looking at South Central.  Both City Guys and South Central were sitcoms about growing up in an urban community and being forced to deal with grown-up issues at a very young age.  However, in many ways, South Central was the anti-City Guys.  Whereas City Guys always ended with an easy solution and some words of wisdom from Ms. Noble, South Central was a frequently bleak show and one in which there were never any easy solutions.  Perhaps not surprisingly, as opposed to the five seasons that City Guys received, South Central ran for only 10 episodes.

South Central revolves around one black family living in South Central Los Angeles.  Joan Moseley (Tina Lifford) is a divorced mother, working hard to support her family and ending almost every day in a state of exhaustion.  Andre (Larenz Tate) is Joan’s son, an underachieving high schooler who is continually at risk of flunking out of school and whose attempts to act hard cannot hide the fact that he’s essentially a sensitive soul.  Tasha (Tasha Scott) is Joan’s daughter, who is intelligent but resents all of the responsibilities that have been put upon her.  Deion Carter (Keith Mbulo) is Joan’s foster child, an autistic three year-old who was abandoned and who Joan brought into the house.  Looming large over the family is the memory of Marcus, Joan’s oldest son, who was murdered shortly before the series begins.

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on April 5th, 1994)

The pilot of South Central opens with a chaotic morning.  Deion wakes up Joan by screaming.  Tasha begs Joan for the money to buy a new jacket.  In a scene that reminds us that, while South Central dealt with timeless issues, the show was definitely made in the 90s, Andre wants to get a beeper.  Joan says that there is no way that her son is going to have a beeper and become a target of every gangbanger in the neighborhood.  Joan says that only drug dealers carry beepers and she’s not willing to lose Andre the way that she lost Marcus.

What the family doesn’t know is that Joan is even more stressed than usual because she has lost her job.  After working for the school district for 13 years, she has been laid off and she has not been able to find another job.  (One potential employer is interested until he learns that she never graduated college because she dropped out after her husband left her.)  When Joan goes to Ujamaa, the local black-owned co-op, she discovers that she’s been put on a list on people from whom checks can no longer be accepted.  She gets into an argument with Lucille, the cashier.  If Lucille looks familiar, that’s because she’s played by a young Jennifer Lopez.

Returning home, Joan discovers a message on her answering machine (another reminder that this pilot is from the 90s) from someone who works at a beeper store and who is checking to make sure that Andre gave his correct address.  Andre comes home and refuses to surrender his beeper, accusing his mother of treating him like a child.  Ray McHenry (Ken Page), a doctor who is obviously in love with Joan and who volunteers to mentor teenagers like Andre, comes by and reveals that, as a doctor, he carries a beeper of his own.  A frustrated Joan accidentally calls Andre “Marcus.”  Shaken, Joan announces that she doesn’t care what happens to her ungrateful, irresponsible children and then goes next door where she talks to her friend, Sweets (Paula Kelly).  At first, Joan is upset when Sweets says that Joan is acting just as irrationally as her children but then Joan breaks down into tears, saying that she wishes that “it could all just stop.”  Joan returns home, tells Tasha that she put her coat on layaway and makes peace with Andre.  Bobby (Clifton Powell), the head of Ujamaa, calls the house and leaves a message that he thinks he can help Joan with her problem.

“What problem?” Tasha asks.

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow,” Joan says as the episode comes to a close.

As far as pilots go, the first episode of South Central did exactly what it needed to do.  It introduced the characters, it told us enough about them to make them individuals while still leaving them room to grow and develop over the next few episodes, and it established everyone’s relationships.  That said, the pilot’s dialogue was a bit more jokey and the laugh track was a bit more intrusive than they would be in later episodes, as if the show’s producers really wanted to make sure that everyone understood that, despite all of the serious stuff being discussed, South Central was a comedy.

Episode 1.2 “Money”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on April 12th, 1994)

“Money” picks up the morning after the pilot.  Joan tells Tasha and Andre that she has lost her job and has been unemployed for a month.  Tasha asks if they’re going to have to go on welfare.  “No!” both Joan and Andre snap at the same time.  Andre announces that he’ll steal money from someone before he goes on welfare.  Joan reprimands him and then heads down to Ujamaa in order to see what help Bobby was going to offer when he called the previous night.

Joan is expecting Bobby to offer her a line of credit but instead Bobby offers her a job.  Bobby explains that he needs an assistant manager, who will do bookkeeping, community relations, and “bag groceries.”  Joan is not happy to hear that, after all her years of experience, she’s being offered a job bagging groceries.  She’s even less happy when Bobby tells her that the job only pays $350 a week.

“Embrace the Ujamaa spirit, sister,” Bobby tells her.

“Then I’m going to need more money, brother,” Joan replies.

Considering the fact that her family is struggling and Andre’s friend Rashad (Lamont Bentley) keeps coming by the house and eating all of their food, one might be tempted to think that Joan needs to set her pride aside for a moment.  I certainly thought that the first time that I watched this episode.  My mom worked a lot of jobs that she hated but she did it because she had a family to support.  But, upon rewatching this episode, I found myself sympathizing with Joan.  Joan was an administrator, someone who everyone agrees did a good job for 13 years.  Now, she’s nearly broke and Bobby is offering her a position as a glorified cashier and he’s offering to pay her considerably less than she made before.  Bobby’s offer not only comes across as being charity but Bobby’s reaction, when he hears that Joan wants more money, is to smugly tell her to suffer for the good of the community.  The sensible thing would be for Joan to set aside her pride but, at this point, pride is about the only thing that Joan has left.

However, when Joan returns home, she discovers that Andre is mysteriously $500 richer.  Andre tells Joan not to worry about where the money came from but Joan says that there’s no way that Andre got the money legally and that she won’t have it in the house.  She attempts to flush the money down the toilet.  Andre rescues the money and then admits that he got the money from Spoon, a gang member who was close to Marcus.

Joan drags Andre down to Spoon’s apartment building, where she discovers that, while the building may be covered in graffiti, Spoon’s apartment is full of expensive electronic equipment and furniture.  Spoon lives with his mother, who explains that her son takes care of her.  When Spoon comes out of his bedroom and says, “Marcus was my boy,” Joan snaps, “No, he was my boy!” and throws the money back in Spoon’s face.  After telling Spoon’s mother that she should be ashamed of herself, Joan goes down to Ujamaa and accepts Bobby’s job offer.

More so than the pilot, this episode is a good representation of the show that South Central would become.  None of the characters are idealized.  Both Joan and Andre are stubborn.  Tasha is too quick to get upset.  Bobby can be condescending.  But they’re all trying their best to make it through hard times without selling out their beliefs.  The scene with Spoon and his mother was a bit heavy-handed but, at the same time, it also allowed Joan to make clear that she would rather be poor than make money off of the suffering of others in her community.  It also revealed that the reason why she is so protective and strict with her children is because she feels that she failed Marcus.  In the end, Joan shows that she’ll do what she has to do to feed her children, even if that means bagging groceries.

Next week: A bus ride leads to Andre not only getting mugged but also falling in love.