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Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.16 “Keep Smiling”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week’s episode made me cry.

Episode 2.16 “Keep Smiling”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on February 5th, 1986)

One night, seven year-old me asked my mom, “After someone dies, will they be able to come back to visit us?”

My mom told me that they would but that we wouldn’t be able to see them.  But we would know that they were there.  We would feel it in our hearts.  And maybe we would see them in our dreams.

I relate this anecdote because I think it’s important to understand my current state of mind as I watch and review this show.  My mom passed away nearly 16 years ago.  My Dad passed away nearly a month ago.  I’m still very much in mourning right now.  My logical side can look at an episode of Highway to Heaven and say that it was an extremely sentimental and, at times, rather manipulative show.  But my emotional side,  the side that leads with my heart and that hopes to see my mom and dad every night in my dreams, that side watches this show in tears.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.  Sometimes, it’s important to cry.  For someone like me, who tends to put up walls whenever I’m upset, watching a show like this can actually be very helpful.

This week’s episode features Jonathan and Mark helping out Jane Thompson (Dorothy McGuire), a lonely widow who has never really gotten over the death of her husband, Arthur.  Arthur died of lung cancer nearly forty years ago.  Now, Jane lives alon in their house.  It’s been a while since even her daughter has come to visit.  Jonathan and Mark stop by the house, looking to rent out Jane’s spare room.  Jane says she would prefer a woman to be her roommate.  Jonathan says he understands and then tells her, “Keep smiling.”  Hearing the phrase causes Jane to change her mind about renting the room to Jonathan and Mark.  “Keep smiling,” was something that Arthur always used to say.

That’s because, before he became an angel, Jonathan was Arthur Thompson!  (Jonathan explains to Mark that angels come back in a “different form” than how they appeared when they died.)  While Jonathan tries to cheer up the depressed Jane and get her to embrace life, Mark tries to convince Jane’s daughter to pay her a visit.  When Mark doesn’t have any luck, Jonathan throws on a white jacket and a pair of ray-bans and, pretending to be a gigolo, he tells his daughter that he’s going to marry Jane for her money.  That may sound a little extreme but hey, it works!

This episode made me cry.  What can I say?  Right now, emotionally, I’m just at a point where anything that is sentimental and well-acted will bring tears to my eyes.  This show may be a tad manipulative but, at its best, there’s an aching sincerity to this show that simply cannot be dismissed.  Sometimes, that type of sincerity is exactly what is needed.

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.9 “Murray Wear”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Jason and Scott do something stupid!

Episode 1.9 “Murray Wear”

(DIr by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on December 6th, 1998)

Peter gives Jason and Scott the responsibility of ordering supplies for the restaurant.  Jason and Scott get distracted by a bunch of models who stop by for a bite to eat and, as a result, they order too much of everything and end up costing Peter a lot of money.  It’s tempting to say that this is another example of Jason and Scott being idiots (and it is) but this also an example of Peter being an even bigger idiot for giving them any responsibility to begin with.

Peter wants to be paid back for the money that his son wasted and he threatens to take the money from their paychecks unless they can pay him back in some other way.  Jason and Scott rent out time on the community access channel and attempt to do their own home shopping network.  No one’s interested in buying their kitchen supplies but when Murray wanders on set wearing a paint-splatted, plastic coat, the phones start ringing.

Realizing that everyone wants their own version of Murray’s coat, the boys start up Murraywear and produce their own commercial.  When a buyer from Bloomingdale’s calls and says she’s thinking about stocking Murraywear in the store, Jason and Scott decide it’s time to have a fashion show on the beach….

Of course, if Jason and Scott have the money to 1) produce a television show, 2) produce a commercial, 3) buy ad space, and 4) put on a fashion show, why don’t they have the money to pay back their father?

It turns out that Murraywear has one fatal flaw.  The paint wipes off very easily.  A sudden rainstorm leaves everyone at the fashion show wearing only a transparent coat and their underwear.  Everyone freaks out.  It’s about as racy as a Peter Engel show can get, which is to say that it’s not racy at all and everyone is wearing boring underwear.

Meanwhile, Tracy dates a British snob who is, of course, named Ian (John Paul Saurine).  When Ian and his parents talk about how Malibu is beneath them, Peter reminds them that they lost the Revolutionary War and Tracy realizes that she loves the beach too much to be with someone who hates it.  Good for her!

What a stupid episode.  I mean, it could have been worse.  I actually did like Murray’s paint-splotched coat and I would have ordered one for myself.  But still, Jason and Scott are just too unlikable and, quite frankly, too stupid to really be compelling protagonists.  One could imagine the casts of California Dreams or even Hang Time pulling this episode off but it’s impossible to care about whether or not Jason and Scott get in trouble.  Seriously, they need to head back to New York.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.13 “Habitat”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week’s episode is an experiment that doesn’t quite work.

Episode 2.13 “Habitat”

(Dir by Bette Gordon, originally aired on January 14th, 1990)

Jamie Neal (a young Lili Taylor) is 23 years-old and newly single.  She’s been offered an opportunity that could earn her enough money that she will never have to work another day in her life.  She has to spend 9 months in an enclosed space.  She’ll be given food to eat.  She requested to be given a guitar to play.  All she has to do is spend nine months in the room and react every time that she hears an annoying buzzing sound.  Of course, she can’t go outside or have any contact with anyone else.  The entire time, someone will be watching her.

Jamie starts the experiment feeling confident and almost cocky.  She carefully reads over the contract, commenting on how easy it will be to handle all of the requirements, before signing it.  Jamie brags that her ex-boyfriend was an attorney (though he preferred to be called a “litigator,” — hey, I know the type, Jamie!) and she knows exactly how to read a contract as a result.

The story jumps forward a few weeks.  Jamie is in isolation, still reacting to every buzz and eating the pizza that’s randomly sent down to her.  However, she is no longer cocky and confident.  She’s grown tired of being trapped in one room and not even her guitar brings her joy anymore.  She wanders around the room, demanding to be set free.

There’s a twist to this episode and I bet you already guessed it.  That twist is that Jamie is a part of an experiment that is being conducted by a bunch of aliens.  As they watch Jamie lose her mind and eventually her life in the small room, the aliens dispassionately discuss how strange humans are.  They hate to be confined and yet they have no problem confining the animals that live with them.  Jamie may have viewed herself as being a prisoner with no freedom but the aliens viewed her as being a pet.  One alien (and I should note that the rubber alien costumes are absolutely ludicrous) says that he thinks he might be feeling an emotion that humans call “grief.”  Someone was obviously hoping to play a half human/half whatever science offer on a Star Trek spin-off.

(“What is this thing you humans call joy?”  Bleh.)

This episode was pretty dull.  Obviously, Lili Taylor is a talented actress but in this one, she gets stuck with some really less-than-impressive dialogue.  Not even the scenes where she’s losing her mind are particularly interesting.  There’s nothing shocking about discovering that she’s had a breakdown.  One can see that it’s going to happen from the minute that she steps into the chamber.  By that same token, there’s nothing at all surprising about the big twist.  Even though who haven’t read Slaughterhouse-Five will easily guess that Jamie is being put on display.

This was a rather forgettable experiment.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.22 “Sally’s Paradise/I Love You, Too, Smith/Mama and Me”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher finds love!

Episode 4.22 “Sally’s Paradise/I Love You, Too, Smith/Mama and Me”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on March 7th, 1981)

Occasionally, on The Love Boat, a member of the crew would happen to find love.

It seemed to happen most often to Julie.  Having watched three and three-quarters seasons of The Love Boat, I’ve lost track of the number of times that I’ve seen Julie tear up while saying goodbye to a passenger with whom she had fallen in love.  Isaac also seems to have had his share of shipboard romances.  Doc is almost always seen escorting someone to his cabin.  The Captain is usually busy running the ship but he’s found a few opportunities to fall in love.

And then there’s Gopher.  Poor, goofy Gopher.  He’s had a handful of cruise romances but, compared to his co-workers, they tend to be few and far apart.  This week, however, Gopher finally gets to have another romance.  (Perhaps not coincidentally, the Gopher storyline was co-written by Fred Grandy.)

Angelina Blenderman (Joanna Pettet) is the by-the-book customs agent who always takes her time checking people’s luggage when they disembark from the ship.  Blenderman and Gopher have an antagonistic relationship, with her making fun of him for wearing shorts with his uniform and Gopher complaining that Blenderman is a humorless scold.  But when Blenderman boards the ship and Gopher discovers that her boyfriend, Ray (Christopher Pennock), is a total cad who is cheating on her, Gopher and Blenderman fall in love.

And you know what?  It’s actually really sweet.  Fred Grandy and Joanna Pettet had a lot of chemistry and they made for a cute couple.  Pettet did an especially good job of capturing the insecurity lurking beneath the abrasive surface.  My heart really broke for her when she first discovered Ray cheating on her.  (Grandy himself had a nice moment where he shyly revealed to Blenderman that his little-used first name was actually “Burl.”  “Stick with Smith,” Blenderman replies.)  I was happy to see that Blenderman and Gopher were still together at the end of the cruise.

As for the other (less interesting) stories, Sally (Juliet Mills) is the manager of the ship’s gift shop.  When Julie hears that Sally’s fiancé, Donald (Gary Conway), is boarding the ship, she is excited for Sally.  Then Sally’s other fiancé, Ricardo (Pedro Armendariz, Jr.), unexpectedly boards the ship.  And then Henry (Kenneth Kimmins) boards the ship and Julie learns that Sally has gotten engaged to a third man!  None of the men know about each other.  Sally explains to Julie that she loves something different about all three of them.  When Donald, Ricardo, and Henry all stop by the gift shop at the same time, Sally’s secret is revealed.  Realizing that she has to choose and having been assured by the men that they will respect her choice, Sally decides to remain single and continue to date all three of the men.  Good for Sally!  On the one hand, her actions are very manipulative, regardless of how much she loves each man.  On the other hand, she is right when she says she has the right to explore different things and enjoy her life.  Somehow, Juliet Mills makes Sally into a likable character.  (One can only imagine how cringey this episode would have been if Hayley had played the role.)

Finally, Natalie Corson (Sylvia Sidney) boards the ship with her son, Stanley (Eddie Mekka).  Natalie wants Stanley to marry a woman that he’s not in love with.  Stanley would rather marry his childhood friend, Jill (Joan Prather).  Natalie accuses Jill of being a nudist because she wears a bikini but eventually, Natalie comes to realize that she’s not being fair and her son deserves to be happy.  The problem with this story was that Stanley was such a wimp that you couldn’t help but feel that Jill deserved better.

With the exception of the third story, this was a fun cruise.  I’m glad Gopher found love and Sally found lust.  It was an enjoyable trip on the boat that offers something for everyone.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.9 “Night Whispers”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, a vampire comes to California!

Episode 2.9 “Night Whispers”

(Dir by Reza Badiyi, originally aired on  November 24th, 1996)

The mysterious Francesca (Felicity Waterman) is being held in police custody as a suspect in the murder of a jogger.  The jogger was found with his throat slit.  Ryan, who was there when the body was found, suspects that Francesca might be vampire.

Why?  Ryan has her reasons.

  1. Francesca speaks with the same type of unplaceable Eastern European accent that all vampires tend to speak with.
  2. Francesca wears sunglasses inside and says she can’t go out during the day because her eyes are just too sensitive to the sunlight.
  3. Francesca occasionally wears a cape.
  4. Francesca wears gloves to hide her vampire hands.
  5. Francesca’s gown was splattered with the dead guy’s blood.
  6. Francesca does not cast a reflection in her apartment’s mirror.

(Why do vampires even own mirrors?)

Ryan seems like she has a pretty good case but Mitch is skeptical.  Mitch doesn’t believe in any of that supernatural stuff, despite the fact that he’s spent the past few months dealing with sea monsters, ghosts, and government conspiracies.  Just a few episodes ago, he stepped into a house and was transported through time!

I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I understand skepticism.  For the most part, I’m a skeptic too.  But the main reason that I’m such an adamant skeptic is because I haven’t ever had anything supernatural happen to me.  Now, if I started meeting ghosts and sea monsters on a regular basis, I would probably become less of a skeptic.  I would reexamine all of my prejudices and I would say, “Hey, maybe something is out there.”

Not Mitch, though!  Mitch listens to Ryan explain why she thinks Francesca is a vampire and he laughs it off.  What’s odd is that it takes Ryan forever to get around to mentioning that Francesca does not cast a reflection.  Instead, she fixates on Francesca wearing gloves in California.  Trust me, the whole mirror thing is a lot more convincing than the glove thing.  Some people wear gloves and some people don’t but everyone (except for the undead) casts a reflection.  Ryan also points out that Francesca doesn’t have a birth certificate and ….. SHE’S NOT REGISTERED TO VOTE!

A trip to the police station to visit Francesca goes terribly wrong when Francesca gets out of her cell and proceeds to stalk Mitch, Ryan, a detective, a pimp, and two prostitutes through the building.  Though Francesca is willing to drink anyone’s blood, it becomes obvious that she’s obsessed with capturing the Hoff and really, who can blame her?  I imagine she would be quite popular with her co-workers if she was the one who turned the Hoff into a vampire.

This is a deeply silly episode but the same can be said of just about every episode of Baywatch Nights.  There’s no reason to take this show seriously.  The important thing is that the action movies fairly quickly, Felicity Waterman appears to be having a ball as the vampire, and the Hoff and Angie Harmon get to show off the chemistry that made Baywatch Nights a lot more fun than it had any right being.  This may not be a classic vampire tale but it’s an entertaining one.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Episode 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 28th, 1981)

Tattoo is in this episode, which means that Julie only appears long enough to tell Mr. Roarke that she’s going to busy exploring the island with a bunch of hunky professors.  (It says a lot about how poorly the Julie character has been developed that I couldn’t tell if Julie was supposed to be naive or clever when it came to going off with the men.) 

At this point, it’s obvious that Julie was only added to the show to act as insurance in case Herve Villechaize walked off the set.  Early on in the season, when Herve was apparently negotiating for a better contract, Julie had a few episodes where she was Roarke’s main assistant while Tattoo was described as being elsewhere on the island.  But in the episodes where Tattoo is present, Julie always has to go do something else for the weekend.  Ironically, Julie is such a bland and unnecessary character that it actually proves Herve Villechaize’s point about how important Tattoo was to the success of the show.  By having Julie always leave whenever Tattoo is present, the show really only reminds the viewer that Roarke only needs on assistant and it’s Tattoo.

As for this week’s fantasies, they both have to do with the past.

Calvin Pearson (Claude Akin) has just spent years in prison for a crime that he didn’t commit.  He’s finally been released and, understandably, he really doesn’t want to have much to do with the rest of the world.  When he was a child, he spent a summer on a nearby island with his father.  His father was fisherman and Calvin claims that he once caught a fish that could sing.  Calvin wants to spend the weekend on the Island and he wants to catch the same serenading fish.

Sound like a pretty simple fantasy, right?  Well, Calvin is not happy to discover that the he’s not alone on “my island.”  There’s now a trading post, run by Jake Dutton (Broderick Crawford) and his daughter, Mira (Pamela Susan Shoop).  Even worse, there are some recently escaped convicts (led by Glenn Corbett) who want to kidnap Mira!  At first, Calvin refuses to get involved.  He just wants to fish.  But, in the end, he finally does the right thing and saves the Duttons.  

What about the “serenading fish?”  Calvin may not have caught a fish but he did capture the heart of Mira, who hums a tune that she says she once heard out on the lagoon.  Calvin leaves the Island alone but he tells Roarke that he plans to return so that he can work at the trading post with the Duttons.

This fantasy was a bit predictable and you really do have to wonder why Roarke insists on nearly getting his guests killed every week.  It seems like that would lead to a lawsuit.  But the fantasy does feature a good performance from Claude Akin as a man who manages to conquer his own bitterness.

As for the other fantasy, it features Phyllis Davis as a writer named Lilly Martin who wants to write a book about the singer Lillian Russell.  Roarke sends her back to 1890s New York and literally transforms Lilly into Lillian Russell, complete with singing talent and two notorious suitors, “Diamond Jim” Brady (Gene Barry) and Peter Whiting (Craig Stevens).  This fantasy was enjoyable eye candy, with Lilly getting to dress up as Lillian Russell and getting to wear all sorts of jewels.  Unfortunately, it’s also a fantasy that ends with a poker game.  I’ve never been able to follow poker and I always groan a little whenever the plot of a show hinges on the outcome.  Whenever people start talking about “bluffing” and “royal flushes,” and all that, my eyes just glaze over and that was the case here.

That said, at least Mr. Roarke got to take part in Lilly’s fantasy, popping up not once but three times to see how everything was going!  In fact, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo also popped up in Calvin’s fantasy.  It’s always fun when Roarke drops in.

The poker game aside, this was an enjoyable trip to the Island.  Season 5 has been a bit uneven but this was one of the better episodes.