Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 2.9 “Big Brother” and 2.10 “Over the Speed Limit”

Posted on November 10, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Let’s return to Manny High, with the neat guys who are smart and streetwise!

Episode 2.9 “Big Brothers”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 7th, 1998)

It turns out that the students at Manny High are required to take on “community service projects!” I mean, it’s not bad enough that they already have to deal with bullies, drug dealers, and gun violence. They also have to do give back to the community. While Dawn signs up to spend time with a grouchy old man, Jamal and Chris are assigned to be big brothers to a 10 year-old delinquent named Ernesto.

Ernesto, incidentally, is played by Brandon Baker who would later go on to play Cray on One World. On One World, Cray was a fairly annoying character but that had less to do with Baker’s performance and more to do with the fact that he always got the worst lines of every episode. While the scripts for City Guys were often full of cringey dialogue, they were still marginally better than the scripts for One World and that works to Baker’s advantage. He’s actually not bad Ernesto.

Of course, Jamal and Chris totally screw up being big brothers. Is there nothing that those two didn’t screw up? However, eventually, they realize that Ernesto is an aspiring artist. Meanwhile, Dawn’s old man is former architect. The three of them decide to have Ernesto hang out with the old man. Problem solved!

Meanwhile, L-Train is somehow assigned to be a teacher’s assistant for Driver’s Ed. L-Train turns out to be a harsh and demanding teacher but it turns out that it was all for the best as everyone passes, including Al and Cassidy! Yay! Everything works out for everyone! That’s what happens when you roll with the city guys. As improbable as it may be that L-Train would end up teaching a class, the episode does give Steven Daniel a chance to show once again that he probably had the best comedic timing of the entire cast.

Episode 2.10 “Over The Speed Limit”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 14th, 1998)

Cassidy gets hooked on speed! Well, it’s not really speed. It’s diet pills that also provide a burst of energy but they also lead to Cassidy missing class and generally overacting and …. what? Yes, you are correct. This is indeed the same basic plot as the I’m So Excited! episode of Saved By The Bell. Cassidy says that she needs the pills because she’s both starring in a play and going to school. Of course, she ends up having a speed-induced meltdown during the premiere of the play. It was, needless to say, totally unrealistic.

Meanwhile, Al and L-Train got a radio show of their own and started to become more popular than Chris and Jamal. However, Al and L-Train’s egos got the better of them, allowing Chris and Jamal to continue to dominate the airwaves or whatever the Hell it is that they’re supposed to be doing in the school radio station. To be honest, I’ve never quite understood how the whole radio station thing works. I mean, are they hosting the show during class time or are they showing up at school super early in the morning so that they can entertain everyone before the bell rings? Or are they hosting their show while everyone else is eating lunch? Add to that, it seems like Al and L-Train had a point. Why should Chris and Jamal be the only people hosting a radio show?

Perhaps that question will be answered next week. Perhaps not. We’ll see!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.10 “Dear Beverly/The Strike/Special Deliver”

Posted on November 9, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard! We’re expecting you!

Episode 10.10 “Dear Beverly/The Strike/Special Delivery”

(directed by Allen Baron, originally aired December 3rd, 1977)

Tonight’s voyage is all about misunderstandings!

For example, Beverly Blanchard (Eva Gabor) is an advice columnist who has built a career out of helping people work their way through misunderstandings. When she boards the Love Boat, she is swarmed by fans who all want her advice. She even leads a little seminar by the pool, in which she asks people if they have any problems that she can help with. Unfortunately, what she doesn’t understand is that her husband, Russ, is feeling neglected. Usually, I would say that Russ should stop feeling sorry for himself but Russ is played Leslie Nielsen, who is so superlikable in his stiffly earnest way that it’s hard not to have some sympathy for him. When Beverly finds out that Russ has been spending time with another passenger (Stephanie Blackmore), she writes a column in which she announces her retirement so that she can give Russ the attention he deserves. Personally, I would think a better column would be about why husbands shouldn’t cheat on their wives, especially with someone who they’ve known for less than 24 hours.

Speaking of cheaters, Jeff Smith (Robert Urich) cheated on his wife, Gail (Pamela Franklin), and now they’re separated. When Jeff boards the ship, he tries to pursue a romance with Julie but he quickly admits that he’s still hung up on his wife. What Jeff doesn’t know is that Gail is also on the ship and she’s 9 months pregnant! Now, considering that this is The Love Boat, it probably will not surprise you to learn that Gail goes into labor while on the boat and it’s up to Doc and Jeff to deliver the baby while the rest of the crew waits outside. Fortunately, the baby makes it and Jeff and Gail get back together. But what about Jeff cheating on Gail? Well, Gail takes responsibility for that, saying that she drove him to it. I was expecting at least one member of the crew to tell her that Jeff was responsible for his own decisions but instead, everyone nodded alone. Like, what the Hell?

Meanwhile, Captain Stubing was upset to learn that Chef Antonio Borga (Al Molinaro) was going to be in charge of the ship’s kitchen for the cruise. Apparently, there was bad blood between the two. When Borga refused to work, Stubing attempted to prepare dinner himself. The results were disastrous but the Chef respected the Captain for trying. And perhaps Chef Borga realized that Captain Stubing could probably get him fired for insubordination. Well, the important thing is that everyone came to an agreement and people got to eat.

This was a weird episode. The Chef storyline seemed like filler. The other two stories both featured women making excuses for cheating husbands. If this episode wanted to remind me that The Love Boat is very much a show of the 70s, it succeeded. This episode had a lot of boat but not a lot of love.

Hopefully, next week’s cruise will be a bit less problematic.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.9 “Trouble My Lovely/The Common Man”

Posted on November 8, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 1.9 “Trouble, My Lovely/The Common Man”

(Directed by Cliff Bole, originally aired on April 1st, 1978)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens, as most of them do, with Mr. Roarke sharing a few words with Tattoo before they leave to meet the plane. This week, Roarke is surprised to find that Tattoo wearing a turban. Tattoo has decided that there is money to be made in being a phony mind reader.

Roarke shakes his head dismissively and then it’s off to meet the latest visitors to Fantasy Island. Unfortunately, the fantasies that follow are so boring that you’ll find yourself wishing that Roarke had spent more time talking to Tattoo.

Don Knotts plays a Stanley Schecktler, a claims adjustor who dreams of being a hard-boiled private investigator. He gets his wish and soon finds himself in a noirish version of Los Angeles. Stanley is hired by Ivy Chandler (Lynda Day George) to investigate the man who is blackmailing her daughter, Peggy (Pamela Jean Bryant). Like all good detectives, Stanley narrates the story.

Eventually, Stanley finds himself investigating an actual murder! Mr. Roarke and Tattoo shows up to inform Stanley that his fantasy is potentially deadly. They offer to refund his money. (Tattoo says that he rarely ever refunds money so I guess Tattoo is the Island’s business manager. I know that’s been mentioned in a few previous episodes but I still find it hard to believe, considering how little respect Roarke seems to have for Tattoo.) Stanley, however, is determined to solve the murder. This leads to Tattoo, who has switched his turban for a fedora, giving Stanley one important piece of advice:

This fantasy had potential. What film lover hasn’t fantasized about being a character in a film noir? Unfortunately, the execution was lacking, with the majority of the comedic lines falling flat. Don Knotts has a few funny moments as the detective but the story itself never finds the right balance between comedy and noir.

That said, at least there was an unexpected twist to the detective fantasy. The show’s other fantasy was not only lame but also kind of annoying. Bernie Kopell, who was so likable as Doc Bricker on The Love Boat, is far less likable as a wimpy family man who comes to Fantasy Island with one request. He wants Mr. Roarke to be a terrible host so that he can stand up to him and win the respect of his family. Seriously, that’s the entire fantasy!

Sorry, dude, but you deserve to get treated like a schmo for having pay thousands of dollar just to get your family to look up to you. This guy spent a lot of money to have a fantasy on Fantasy Island that he could get for free just by taking his family out to Denny’s and demanding to see the manager. Seriously, this whole fantasy was a bit pointless but at least Tattoo got to try out his mind reading tricks when he and Mr. Roarke came across the Kopell sitting at the bar.

Oh well! Not every fantasy can be a winner. Hopefully, next week will be better.

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 2.5 “War of the Roses” and 2.6 “Short Cuts”

Posted on November 7, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

The season continues!

Episode 2.5 “War of the Roses”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 5th, 1996)

Mary Beth (Megan Parlen) proves once again that she is the coolest girl at Deering High by painting the boy’s locker room pink without asking them. Vince (Michael Sullivan) freaks out about the pink (actually, it’s salmon) and leaves Mary Beth an angry note. Mary Beth gets angry about the note and hires a muscle-bound dude to threaten Vince in front of his friends. Vince tries to get Mary Beth to eat a poisoned chili dog. Eventually, Mary Beth somehow changes Vince’s grades to make it appear the Vince is ineligible to play basketball while Vince STEALS COACH FULLER’S WALLET and tries to frame Mary Beth.

Like, seriously, what the Hell?

It all leads to a really weird scene in which a mock trial is held to determine whether or not Mary Beth and Vince should be barred from being involved in basketball. Finally, Mary Beth acknowledges that she shouldn’t have repainted the locker room without talking to anyone (how exactly did Mary Beth repaint the locker room without anyone noticing?) and Vince admits that his note was rude. Everything works out.

Meanwhile, in the B-plot, Julie again proves herself to be the world’s worst girlfriend by getting angry at Josh for trying to throw her a surprise birthday party. This whole Julie/Josh subplot felt like it belonged in a first season episode but it did lead to Mary Beth smashing a birthday cake in Julie’s face, which was kind of satisfying considering how whiny Julie was in this episode. (“This is why I hate surprise parties!” Julie yells.)

This was …. well, look, it was pretty dumb. But Megan Parlen was a good enough comedic actress to save her storyline. And personally, I’m on her side as far as the locker room is concerned. That shade of pink really was pretty.

Episode 2.6 “Short Cuts”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 12th, 1996)

Wow, Vince sure is a screw-up. He spent the previous episode trying to destroy Mary Beth’s life. This episode, he starts taking steroids. Of course, this leads to him getting acne and roid rages but it also helps him win a few basketball games so …. well, let’s just say that everyone is quick to jump on Vince’s back for taking drugs but no one suggests giving back any of their victories.

Vince is using drugs because he wants to attend a basketball clinic with Coach Fuller and a short basketball player named Muggsy. (I went on Wikipedia and discovered that Muggsy actually was a real basketball player, even though he was shorter than me! That’s kind of neat!) At the start of the show, Fuller announces that only Julie and Josh qualify for the clinic because, in the world of Hang Time, Julie and whoever she’s dating at the time are the only people who can actually play well. Once Vince starts taking the steroids and having rages, he qualifies for the clinic but he is just as quickly disqualified because of his drug use. Fortunately, Muggsy is there to tell him to stop being a whiny baby and to stay off the pills.

In the B-plot, Danny directs a really crappy sci-fi film. Unfortunately, he also accidentally films Vince with his dealer so Vince destroys the tape. Damn, Vince!

This episode was a reworking of the episode of California Dreams in which Tiffani got hooked on steroids and the episode of Saved By The Bell where Zach needed to raise money to replace the school’s video camera. It was predictable but the cast did a fairly good job. If nothing else, this episode showed that Reggie Theus improved quite a bit as an actor between seasons 1 and 2. And he didn’t need steroids to do it! Let that be a lesson to all.

Retro Television Reviews: The Seduction of Gina (dir by Jerrold Freedman)

Posted on November 6, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1984’s The Seduction of Gina. It can be viewed on Tubi!

Gina (played by Valerie Bertinelli) is bored.

She’s a 20 year-old newlywed who spends her days going to college and her nights sitting in a tiny apartment and waiting for her husband, David (Fredric Lehne), to come home. David is an intern at a hospital. He works the nightshift and, as a result, he’s usually exhausted and not particularly communicative. Unlike her husband, Gina comes from a wealthy family and she’s due to inherit a good deal of money as soon as she turns 21. However, David stubbornly refuses to use any of Gina’s money to make either of their lives better. He gets angry when Gina even mentions the possibility. He’s prepared to spend the next ten years living in a crummy apartment and working terrible hours. Once he establishes himself as a doctor, he says that he and Gina can start to think about starting a family. Are you getting the feeling that David has control issues? Because that’s definitely the feeling that I got from him.

Bored and frustrated, Gina turns to gambling. Who can blame her? Not only is it a way to make some money and bring some excitement into her life but it’s also something that she’s really good at! She starts out just putting bets on horse races. (The owner of a nearby bodega is also a bookie.) She uses the money to buy a new television set, which David totally freaks out about. Soon, Gina is sneaking off to Lake Tahoe. While David works at the hospital, Gina hits the blackjack table and spins the roulette wheel. She even attracts the eye of Keith Sindell (Michael Brandon), a handsome lawyer who loans her money and obviously has an interest in her that goes beyond card games. Every morning, she jumps in her car and rushes back to San Francisco, arriving at her apartment before David gets home and lying to David about what she’s been doing all night.

It starts out well but this wouldn’t be a TV movie if there wasn’t a bit of drama. Unfortunately, Gina’s luck starts to change and she soon finds herself in debt. The owner of that bodega is a lot less nice when he’s demanding his money. And Keith might be willing to cheat on his wife with her but he still expects her to pay back the money that he’s given her. The world of gambling turns out to be harsh and unforgiving. Gina is forced to find ways to get the money. If that means lying to her husband, her father (played by Ed Lauter), and her accountant, so be it. She might even have to — gasp! — get a job as a cocktail waitress!

It’s obvious from the start that Gina is going to get into trouble, or at least it’s obvious to everyone but Gina. And really, isn’t that the way life is sometimes? Usually, the only person who can’t see the walls closing in is the person who is about to get crushed. The Seduction of Gina is melodramatic and predictable but Valerie Bertinelli is likable in the role of Gina and the scenes in casino are enjoyably gaudy and a little bit sordid. It’s an entertaining movie, a Lifetime film that came out before Lifetime. The film’s message is not to gamble but The Seduction of Gina makes winning look like so much fun that it probably inspired more people to hit the casinos than to stay at home and balance the checkbook. In the classic DeMille fashion, this film offers both sin and a hint of salvation but it understands that sin is more entertaining to watch.

Retro Television Review: California Dreams 2.6 “Surfboards and Cycles” and 2.7 “A Question of Math”

Posted on November 5, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, love is in the air as Jake and Tiffani realize that they could make beautiful music together. Meanwhile, the pressure of exam season threatens the future of the Dreams!

But first, the opening credits. Again, because the post-Jenny opening credits for season two have not been uploaded to YouTube, you have to imagine Jennie Kwan in the place of Heidi Noelle Lenhart.

Episode 2.6 “Surfboards and Cycles”

(Directed by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 16th, 1993)

In a storyline that shows how much the second season of California Dreams owed to every single season of Saved By The Bell, the members of the band have to pick an elective. Sly and Matt enroll in home economics so they can meet girls and are stunned to discover that their teacher is a hardass former Marine who expects culinary perfection.

Meanwhile, Tiffani and Sam enroll in auto shop so that they can meet boys. Also enrolled in auto shop is Jake. Jake is convinced that women don’t belong in auto shop and Tiffani and Sam quickly prove his point by revealing that they know nothing about cars. (I would also be clueless in auto shop but I will say that my sister Melissa can fix anything on a car.) That said, Tiffani and Jake still fall in love. The band panics because Jake and Tiffani seem like such opposites. So, Sly and Tony go out of their way to plant seeds of doubt in Jake and Tiffani’s mind. When Jake insists on wearing his leather jacket to the beach, Tiffani dumps his ass. Yay, Tiffani!

But …. oh no! Before breaking up, Tiffani and Jake wrote a duet. Matt wants to make the song a part of the regular Dreams set list but how can he do that if Tiffani and Jake aren’t speaking? Looks like it’s time to take over Sharky’s and trick Tiffani and Jake into meeting for the most romantic dinner of their lives! Somehow, it works. I’m just wondering why Sharky was always willing to let the Dreams shut down his place of business whenever they felt like it. That doesn’t seem like a good business model.

This episode was pretty derivative and the main message appeared to be that Matt’s a jerk who can’t come up with a song on his own. But Tiffani and Jake actually were a pretty cute couple and they had a likable chemistry together. That chemistry pretty much saved this episode.

Episode 2.7 “A Question of Math”

(Directed by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 23rd, 1993)

The entire school is freaking out about midterms! Sam becomes a tutor but her latest student, an arrogant football star (Richard Hillman), pretends to like her just so he can get out of paying her! Luckily, Sam gets her revenge by tricking him into buying a fake test that has all the wrong answers. Way to go, Sam! Ruin that guy’s future!

That most interesting about this episode is that the football star was played by Richard Hillman, who also played Kirsten Dunst’s jerk of a boyfriend in Bring It On. This was an enjoyable episode, even if I have my doubts about whether or not everyone would go that crazy over a high school midterm. Maybe it’s just because I’m also watching One World and experiencing first hand what happens when a cast has absolutely no chemistry but I’ve really grown to appreciate the cast of California Dreams. They all just seem like they sincerely enjoy hanging out together and, for the most part, they’ve got enough comedic timing that they can save even a weak joke.

What does the future hold for the surf dudes with attitude? We’ll find out next week.

Retro Television Review: One World 2.6 “Cyrano De Bengerac” and 2.7 “It’s All Greek To Me”

Posted on November 4, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

Uptown, I see a lot of brothers and sisters living on the streets….

Well, not really. But I can agree that we’re living in one world….

Episode 2.6 “Cyrano de Bengerac”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on October 23rd, 1999)

Good God, this was so painful!

Ben wants to date Roxanne (Ashley Yegan) but Roxane is into poetry and plays and she can basically speak in coherent sentences. Ben, meanwhile, is Ben. Actually, I’ve noticed that Ben’s level of intelligence and maturity tends to change from episode-to-episode, depending on the needs of the story. In this episode, Ben was required to be an absolute idiot.

Knowing that Neal is smart, Ben recruits his brother to tell him what he needs to say to win over Roxanne. Neal agrees, on the condition that Ben read the play Cyrano de Bergerac. This leads to the exact same scenario that showed up at least once in every single TNBC series. Ben puts in an earpiece and goes to a play with Roxanne. Neal sits a few rows away from them and tells Ben what to say. Unfortunately, the earpiece starts to pick up other signals and Ben dumbly repeats everything that he hears, even the stuff that makes no sense and which is obviously not being sent to him by Neal. Roxanne is still impressed enough that, even after she notices the earpiece, she’s still willing to dump Ben so that she can go out with Neal. Sorry, Ben! At first, Neal isn’t willing to betray his brother but then Ben reads the play and tells Neal to go for it.

Meanwhile, Dave tries to bond with his adopted daughters by taking them all camping. Of course, it’s a disaster because Marci and Sui don’t like sleeping in dirt and Jane enjoys starting to trouble. Since I’m not really into the whole camping thing, I could relate to their horror of having to sleep outside. That said, the main message here appeared to be that Dave is an idiot and his daughters, who are all approaching adulthood, are thoroughly incapable of taking care of themselves. Perhaps it’s time for someone to call social services again.

Anyway, as I said at the start, this was a painful episode in which everyone was required to be even dumber than usual. Let’s move on.

Episode 2.7 “Its All Geek To Me”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on October 30th, 1999)

Oddly enough, this episode was not included on Tubi. I had to go to YouTube to watch it. I was hoping that maybe this would be a controversial episode that was pulled from syndication because someone made an offensive joke or something like that. Instead, this episode was One World at its most jejune.

Sui is failing history and running the risk of getting kicked off the basketball team. (Wait — she plays basketball now?) Neal arranges for her to be tutored by Billy (Michael Thomas Dunn). Billy is kind of nerdy but sweet and when he asks Sui to go to the Dave Matthews Band concert (90s alert!), Sui agrees. But then everyone gives Sui a hard time about “dating a geek” so she lies to get out of it. Didn’t the same thing happen to Zach Morris when an overweight girl bought him at a date auction? Why was everyone on TNBC so shallow?

Anyway, Sui learns the error of her ways and she and Billy share a kiss with the entire football team watching. “Wooooo!’ the audience exclaims.

Sui learned an important lesson about peer pressure and Billy will probably never be seen again.

Retro Television Review: City Guys 2.7 “Dance Fever” and 2.8 “A Guy And A Goth”

Posted on November 3, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, both of the City Guys, those neat guys who smart and street-wise, learn a lesson about relationships and honesty! But before we get to that, how about that theme song?

Episode 2.7 “Dance Fever”

(dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 24th, 1998)

Cassidy is dating Nick Lachey, the leader singer of 98 Degrees, but no one seems to care for some reason. Instead, everyone is more worried about helping Jamal get a date with Amber, a private school girl who keeps stopping by the diner. When Jamal invites Amber to come to a school dance with him, Amber accepts. The only problem is that there isn’t a dance scheduled and Ms. Noble has neither the time nor the resources to arrange one.

Because he’s an idiot, Jamal decided to 1) trick Dawn into giving him the keys to the roof and 2) unlock the roof so that he can throw an unauthorized “underground” dance. This is one of those things that has disaster written all over it so Jamal decides to up the stakes by announcing that Cassidy’s new boyfriend will be performing at the dance.

Needless to see, a huge crowd shows up. (“Some of these people don’t ever go to our school,” Jamal says.) But, when it’s time for the band to arrive, only Nick Lachey shows up. It turns out that their producers wants them to lay down a few new tracks at the studio so they’re going to be late.

Realizing that a riot is going to break out and his date will be ruined if he doesn’t find a way to entertain the crowd, Jamal sends Chris, Al, and L-Train out to perform.

Just as it looks as if a riot is on the verge of breaking out, 98 Degrees shows up and calms the crowd by singing I Do (Cherish You).

The crowd may be satisfied but, because Jamal and Chris broke the rules and defied authority, the Gods of TNBC demand that they be punished. The police show up and put a stop to the illegal dance. While Chris and Jamal technically should have been arrested for breaking and entering (and nearly inciting a riot), they are instead turned over to Ms. Noble. Noble promises to punish them both and, despite Jamal getting freaking 98 Degrees to serenade her, Amber announces that she never wants to see him again.

Oh well! At least Cassidy got to date Nick Lachey before Jessica Simpson broke his heart.

Episode 2.8 “A Guy and a Goth”

(dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 31st, 1998)

Hey, remember how Chris and Jamal are apparently the only two DJs at the school radio station? During their morning show, Chris gets a call from a girl named Zoey. Even though Chris has never seen her before, he likes her voice so he asks to meet her at the diner. Zoey agrees. One scene later and….

Oh my God, Zoey’s a goth!

All of Chris’s friends give him a hard time about dating a goth so he lies to Zooey to get out of taking her to a surprise party that everyone is holding for Ms. Noble. (These students are bizarrely obsessed with hanging out with their principal.) When Zooey discovers the lie, she’s hurt. Chris makes it up to her by dressing up like a goth.

Yeah, this was pretty dumb. Making it even worse is that, in a scene that it totally ripped off from Grease, Zoey shows up at the diner dressed “normal.” Zoey was cool and smart and funny and what she saw in Chris is never really that apparent. That said, this episode was all about the costumes that people wear and it aired on October 31st. That was clever.

Zoey takes back Chris, even though she definitely deserved better. I have a feeling that Zoey will never be mentioned again on this show.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.9 “The Captain’s Captain / Romance Roulette / Hounded”

Posted on November 2, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Love? Don’t worry. Love won’t hurt anymore.

Episode 1.9 “The Captain’s Captain / Romance Roulette / Hounded”

(dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on November 26th, 1977)

As I watched the opening scenes of the cruise’s passengers making their way onto the Love Boat, I noticed that this episode was directed by Jack Arnold. I did some online checking and I discovered that this was indeed the same Jack Arnold who directed It Came From Outer Space, Creature From The Black Lagoon, The Incredible Shrinking Man, Tarantula, and a host of other so-called B pictures. By the time the 70s rolled around, Arnold was directing blaxploitation films (including Fred Williamson’s Boss) and episodic television. As I watched the episode, I found myself wondering which member of the cast probably asked Arnold the most questions about shooting Creature From The Black Lagoon. I guess that it was probably Fred Grandy, since apparently he’s a pretty intelligent guy.

As for the show itself, it featured the typical three-story structure. Gary Burghoff (who I had just watched on Fantasy Island) played a passenger who found himself trapped in his cabin with a security dog that had somehow gotten loose. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a fear of big dogs so this particular scenario would be quite traumatic for me. Burghoff, however, got along with the dog and even helped to deliver her puppies. Awwwwwwww! Big dogs are scary but little puppies are cute!

While Captain Stubing was dealing with the dog problem, his irascible father (played by Phil Silvers), who was himself a former cruise ship captain, was wandering around the ship and eventually falling in love with a cook named P.J. Muldoon (Judy Canova). Captain Stubing was skeptical of his father’s romance but, by the end of the episode, he was proposing a toast to his future stepmother. This storyline was fairly predictable but Phil Silvers and Gavin MacLeod were believable as father-and-son and their scenes together added some depth to Captain Stubing, a character who, in other episodes, has come across as being a bit flat.

Finally, Jane Curtin played Regina Parker, a literature professor who was on the cruise with two friends from college (Joanna Kerns and Susan Heldfond). The three of them played a game, in which they basically had to make the first man that they heard use a certain word fall in love with them for the duration of the cruise. The word was “screwdriver.” When Regina went up to Isaac’s bar to wait for someone to order a screwdriver, she was taken by surprise when Frank (Vincent Baggetta), the ship’s plumber, walked up with a toolbox and asked for someone to hand him a screwdriver. Regina started to hit on Frank. Frank almost immediately fell in love with her and he let her read some of his poetry. Even though his poetry was terrible, Regina fell in love with him. As you can guess, Frank eventually found out about the game but, by the end of the episode, he and Regina were promising to write each other every day. In its undeniably silly way, this was actually kind of a fun storyline. Curtin and Baggetta actually had a lot of chemistry. Frank’s poems still sucked though.

All in all, this was a pleasant episode. The guest stars were likable and the cruise itself looked like it would have been a lot of fun. Was this episode life’s sweetest reward? It was good but I wouldn’t go that far. Love is life’s sweetest reward.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.8 “Superstar/Salem”

Posted on November 1, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Despite being exhausted last night, I still made sure to watch the next episode of Fantasy Island before allowing myself to fall asleep. It’s all about priorities.

Episode 1.8 “Superstar/Salem”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on March 25th, 1978)

After a conversation with Tattoo about Tattoo’s sudden interest in photography, Mr. Roarke heads to the docks to meet this week’s guest stars!

First up, we have Richard Delaney (Gary Burghoff) and his wife, Dora (Darleen Carr). Dora thinks they are on a business trip but actually, Richard has a fantasy. Despite the fact that he is short, middle-aged, and not at all athletic, Richard’s fantasy is to not only pitch in a baseball game but to also strike out the best baseball players around.

(As a side note, as soon as I saw that this was going to be a baseball episode, I woke up Erin and made her watch it with me. Of course, it was also one in the morning at the time but still, I would have been a bad sister if I hadn’t.)

Anyway, Richard gets his chance. It turns out that Fantasy Island is holding a charity baseball game and Mr. Roarke has told everyone that Richard is the best amateur pitcher in the world. With the help of some Fantasy Island magic, Richard is able to strike out every batter who comes up to the plate. (According to Erin, all of the batters were real baseball players.) We know that Richard’s skills are due to magic because, whenever he throws the ball, we hear goofy sound effects. (“This is dumb,” Erin said, “Why did you wake me up for this?”) Richard is offered a try-out with the Dodgers. Yay!

Richard immediately get a little bit full of himself but it turns out that Richard’s fantasy didn’t include becoming a professional baseball player and he loses his ability to pitch. Unfortunately, Richard doesn’t discover this until after he tells off his boss. Fortunately, his boss is impressed by Richard’s honesty and he gives Richard a raise. Richard may never play pro ball but at least he’ll make a lot of money as an accountant or whatever it is that he does for a living. Yay! (“Is it over?” Erin asked, “Can I finally get some sleep now?”)

Meanwhile, Martha and Walter Tate (played by Vera Miles and Stuart Whitman) think that the world has become too permissive of bad behavior so they want to go some place where people are better behaved. Mr. Roarke promptly sends them to 17th century Salem, where they are both accused of being witches and narrowly avoid being executed. You know, Mr. Roarke, you could have just sent them to a friendly rural community in Nebraska or something. NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A LESSON!

The best thing about the Salem storyline was that the evil and feared Dr. Whitfield, the man who ruled Salem with a iron fist, was played by Leslie Nielsen. When we first meet Dr. Whitfield, he’s explaining how the town drunk came to die.

Dr. Whitfield wanted to hang both Martha and Walter for the sins of dancing and giving aspirin to a child.

Leslie Nielsen may be playing a villain but he delivers his lines in the same style that later made him a comedic icon. If nothing else, that makes this episode fun to watch.

Martha and Walter end up fleeing Salem and, miraculously, they find themselves back on Fantasy Island. Mr. Roarke says that he hopes they have had an enlightening fantasy. Personally, if I was Mr. Roarke, I would be more worried about the lawsuit that they’re probably going to file against him.

This was a pretty silly episode but, as a general rule, I enjoy anything that features Leslie Nielsen playing a humorless villain. Add to that, it was hard not to smile at the sight of Mr. Roarke and Tattoo casually emerging from the jungle in their white suits to greet Walter and Martha after the latter two escaped Salem. It may have been a silly episode but it was also a fun one. And really, what else does one expect from Fantasy Island?