Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 2.9 “Style Before Substance” and 2.10 “Son-On-Law”

Posted on November 21, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

I’ll always remember …. me and my friends at Hang Time!

Episode 2.9 “Style Before Substance”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 2nd, 1996)

This episode opens with Julie and the basketball team at the diner and getting angry because the football team is in their booth.

“That’s our booth!” Julie says, “We’re the champions!”

Strangely, Josh agrees with her. Remember how Josh almost walked off the team because he thought they were too obsessed with winning? Remember how Josh was all about sportsmanship and humility? I guess that all got tossed out the window once he started dating Julie. And another thing — when did Julie become so stuck up? During the first season, Julie was confident but she wasn’t full of herself. This season, the writers aren’t doing her character any favors.

Needless to say, this all leads to a series of increasingly stupid competitions to decide which team gets to …. sit in the booth, I guess. I’m not really sure what they were fighting about but then again, I’ve never played team sports. Occasionally, I play tennis with my sister. I’ve never won a game but I look good in a tennis skirt so it all works out.

While this is going on, Amy is volunteering for the mayoral campaign of Robert Kent. Robert Kent is an obviously sleazy politician who says that he cares about the environment. (To be honest, he reminded me of Beto O’Rourke). Amy has a crush on Robert and is devastated to discover that he’s lying about being an environmentalist. It turns out that he supports industrial development.

“Some of the money can be used to clean up the environment,” says Kent.

“But we wouldn’t need to clean it if you didn’t mess it up in the first place!” Amy whines while the audience goes crazy over the most shallow argument possible.

The good thing about this episode is that it portrayed politicians as being sleazy. That said, I had to laugh at the sight of all the adults listening as Danny and Amy told them how to vote for. In the end, Danny and Amy’s efforts proved to be futile as Kent won and probably proceeded to personally bulldoze their favorite park.

Episode 2.10 “Son-In-Law”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 9th, 1996)

The team is freaking out because they have to win a game against an undefeated team if they have any hopes of making it to the playoffs. Coach Fuller invites a real basketball player to stiffly deliver some words of encouragement to the team. Hang Time was big on getting actual basketball players to make cameo appearances and I imagine that was good for the show’s ratings. But, for the most part, none of the basketball players could actually act so the scene featuring them are often incredibly dull.

Meanwhile, Mary Beth is angry at her father for ignoring her so she dates Vince just to annoy him. But then she suddenly decide that she actually does like Vince which …. NO! NO! NO! Mary Beth is a thousand times too cool to go out with someone as boring as Vince! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, HANG TIME!?

Retro Television Reviews: Policewoman Centerfold (dir by Reza Badiyi)

Posted on November 20, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1983’s Policewoman Centerfold. It can be viewed on Tubi!

Jennifer Oaks (Melody Anderson) is a former wild teen turned cop. While her friends from high school walk the streets, Jennifer rides in a squad car. It’s not always easy. She is one of the only women on the force and the men refuse to take care her seriously, no matter how times she proves herself as a police officer. Recently divorced, she live in a trailer park with her son, Tommy (Jerry Supiran). At the start of the film, her partner informs her that he’s going to be requesting a new partner because apparently, his wife has issues with him working with another woman.

Jennifer’s new partner is Nick Velano (Ed Mariano). “Are you Italian?” she asks him at one point, because I suppose the fact that his name was Nick Velano wasn’t enough of a clue. (For the record, Nick is Italian.) Though Jennifer says that she doesn’t date the people with whom she works, she makes an except for Nick. It turns out that Nick, along with being Italian, is an amateur photographer. After Jennifer says that she’s never felt attractive, Nick snaps a few pictures of her to prove her wrong. Jennifer is so impressed with the pictures that she mails them off to Centerfold Magazine. Nick, of course, is a huge fan of Centerfold, though he insists that he just reads the articles. That said, Nick is not happy when he discovers that Jennifer is going to appear in a pictorial. For that matter, neither is the police department. Neither are Jennifer’s parents. Neither is Tommy, especially after a bunch of older kids beat him up for having an attractive mom. (I’m not really sure what the logic was there.) However, Jennifer finds the experience to be liberating and she refuses to apologize for her decision. When the chief of police attempts to kick her off the force, Jennifer goes to court.

Centerfold Magazine is obviously meant to be a stand-in for Playboy. Of course, when I say that, I mean that it’s a stand-in for the way that Playboy liked to present itself as opposed to the reality. In Police Woman Centerfold, Centerfold is a progressive magazine that only employs the most professional and polite of photographers. In real life, Playboy was a tacky left-over from the late 60s and Hugh Hefner was a creepy old weirdo who lived in a dilapidated mansion and who was notorious for abandoning his models once they had fulfilled their purpose. In Police Woman Centerfold, Centerfold Magazine is so idealized that its portrayal verges on parody. It’s like one of those dreary communist propaganda films, where everyone in the collective can’t stop smiling and singing about how happy they are because there’s someone off camera pointing a gun at their head.

Fortunately, Melody Anderson gave a good performance in the main role, playing Jennifer as someone who had been beaten down by life but who still refused to give up hope for a better future. The film itself may not have always taken Jennifer’s story seriously but Anderson herself did and, as a result, this film a bit better than it has any right to be,

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 2.11 “Vote of Confidence” and 2.12 “The Year of the Woo”

Posted on November 19, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, it’s all about family!

Episode 2.11 “Vote of Confidence”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 13th, 1993)

Pacific Coast High School is in the midst of campaign fever! Who will be elected student council president? Will it be the crazy environmentalist who says that she’s going to transform the cafeteria into a vegetarian paradise? Or will it be Harvey, a rich kid who announces that his motto is, “I already have money! Now, I want power!”

Or will it be Jake!? Yes, Jake is running for president because he’s feeling inadequate when compared to his older brother Kyle. Kyle is an Olympic hopeful who is currently attending Harvard and who was apparently also the presidents of the PCHS student council when he was in high school. How come we haven’t heard anything about Kyle before? Jake’s brother being an Olympic hopeful seems like something that would have been mentioned earlier.

Jake campaigns by riding his motorcycle through the school’s hallways and singing a country song about how “I’m a regular guy who does what he says.” It’s not a bad song and Jake appears to actually be singing in the scenes in which he performs, as opposed to just lip-syncing. In other words, this is the episode that establishes that Jake was actually too talented to be a member of a lame band like California Dreams.

Unfortunately, before Jake announced his candidacy, the Dreams agreed to play Harvey’s victory rally. The Dreams withdraw from Harvey’s rally but — uh oh! — Sly already spend the two hundred dollars! Harvey agrees to forgive the debt on the condition that Tiffani go on a date with him. Jake is surprisingly okay with this, considering that he’s been dating Tiffani for a few episodes. Perhaps this episode was filmed before Jake and Tiffani became a couple and was shown out-of-order. Once again, NBC just didn’t care.

Anyway, Jake realizes that he ran for President for the wrong reasons and he resigns from office. Harvey becomes president in his place. Yay, rich people!

Episode 2.12 “The Year of the Woo”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 20th, 1993)

The Dreams have a gig in Burbank, for which they’ll get paid $1,000. But, the van’s transmission is shot! Fortunately, Sam’s family had just sent her $800 in “lucky money” that she can use to buy a plane ticket to go back to Hong Kong for the Chinese New Year. Why couldn’t they have just bought her the tickets?

Anyway, the Dreams convince Sam to pay for a new transmission, with the promise that they’ll pay her back with the money they make from the gig. However, it turns out that Gus the Mechanic isn’t good at his job. Not only does the transmission still not work but he refuses to refund the money. (Huh?) Now, Sam has no money and cannot return to Hong Kong. The Dreams are the worst people in the world.

With the help of Tiffani, The Dreams win back the $800 in a poker game but it’s too late for Sam to book a flight. So, they throw a really cheap party at Sharky’s and they fly Sam’s parents out to California. (Oddly, Sam’s parents speak in English, even when they’re talking to Sam. It’s a bit odd that they don’t just speak to each other in Chinese, seeing as how that’s presumably how they spent the last 16 years communicating with each other.) Sam’s excited but, before she can spend any time with her family, she still has to sing a song with the Dreams. Imagine having to work at your own party.

This episode was not terrible. One thing that set this show apart from other Peter Engel shows is that the cast actually had chemistry so they’re kind of fun to watch, even when the story itself is pretty stupid. That said, the main theme of this episode — again — seemed to be the Dreams are only willing to do the right thing as a last resort. Even though they fly Sam’s parents out to California with their poker money, there’s still no scene in which the Dreams themselves realize that guilting Sam into paying for the van was kind of a jerky thing to do.

Oh well! At least everything worked out in the end!

Retro Television Reviews: One World 2.10 “Tough Love” and 2.11 “Band on the Run”

Posted on November 18, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

This is the place where our dream live forever!

Episode 2.10 “Tough Love”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on November 20th, 1999)

Cray finally gets an episode of his very own and, unfortunately, it’s also the show’s token anti-marijuana episode,

When Meagan (Amanda Fuller, years before playing the eldest daughter on Last Man Standing) invites Cray to a party, Cray agrees. When Meagan offers Cray a joint, Cray initially refuses but then finally agrees to take a hit. Since this is a TNBC show, Cray automatically ends up paranoid and hungry. He goes home. He demands food from St. Neal and Jane. He tells them to stop watching him. Neal and Jane immediately figure out that he’s been messing with the weed with roots in Hell.

“When you’re high, you’re not in control!” St. Neal tells Cray, “Look at you! Just one night and you’re already a paranoid, munchy-head fool!”

“And whatever you do,” Jane adds, “don’t watch the new Love Boat!”

“Because I smoked pot and could totally freak out?” Cray bizarrely replies.

“No, it’s just a really lame show.”

So, already, the show has revealed that it knows very little about the realities of smoking weed. Very few people get stoned the first time that they smoke. Even those who do don’t end up acting like Cray. As I listened to him list all of the people who he felt were plotting against him, I found myself wondering what Meagan’s weed was laced with.

Later, Meagan asks Cray to be her boyfriend. Cray says yes but is shocked to discover that Meagan is still smoking weed! When the police catch Cray holding Meagan’s joint, he gets stuck with both community service and anti-drug classes. After the rest of the Blake family decides that “Meagan has a problem,” Cray tells Meagan’s parents. Meagan get sent to rehab. Yes, that’s right. Meagan’s parents find out that she smokes weed and they send her to DRUG REHAB!

Before leaving for rehab, Meagan tells Cray that she hates him. Jane, however, assures Cray that, someday, Meagan will appreciate what he did for her. Don’t count on it, Cray.

Meanwhile, Marci accidentally put the house for sale online. An English couple tried to buy but, in the end, the Blakes decided that they couldn’t move. I’m glad that worked out!

Anyway, every TNBC show had to do at least one episode where someone smoked weed and then decided never to do it again. One World gets some credit for having both St. Neal and Jane admit to having smoked in the past as well. (Seriously, I never bought that Zach Morris had never seen a joint until Johnny Dakota came to Bayside.) But, ultimately, this episode was too preachy and unrealistic to work. One gets the feeling that the writers were probably stoned and amusing themselves when they wrote it.

Let’s move on.

Episode 2.11 “Band on the Run”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on November 27th, 1999)

Because this episode features a guest appearance and two songs from the Norweigian pop duo, M2M, this is one of the episodes of One World that is not available on Tubi. However, it is available on YouTube, though the scenes with M2M singing have been muted. Who is M2M? Remember that annoying Don’t Say You Love Me Song? They’re the ones who did that.

Anyway, in this episode, Ben gets fired from his singing gig at Miami’s “hottest under-21 club,” The Warehouse. He’s replaced by M2M. (Huh? Why would a then-hot Norwegian band end up playing at The Warehouse in Miami?) Humiliated, Ben gets a job delivering chicken (and yes, he has to wear a big chicken suit) and trying to reinvent himself as a rapper. Eventually, Ben starts singing boring songs about his feelings and he gets his gig back. Yay, I guess. As for M2M, they’re last seen going on a date with Cray, who I assume has kicked his marijuana addiction.

In the B-plot, Sui thinks her boyfriend is cheating on her and this somehow leads to Jane joining the football team. It’s dumb and I don’t want to talk about it. Sui’s the coolest character on the show and it bugs me that it’s been a few episodes since she had a decent storyline. Hopefully, that’ll change next week!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 2.11 “A Nobel Profession” and 2.12 “Party of Three”

Posted on November 17, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

What’s happening with the neat guys? Let’s find out.

Episode 2.11 “A Nobel Profession”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 21st, 1998)

Welcome to Manny High! Check out how convoluted this mess is.

Homecoming is approaching and Ms. Nobel tells her students that she will not be happy if she catches any of them playing a prank against Manny’s rival, George Washington High. Chris and Jamal decide that this means that they can pull a prank as long as Ms. Nobel doesn’t notice. So, somehow, they steal a gigantic, heavy, stone statue of George Washington from Washington High and they bring it to Manny High. Now, setting aside the issue of how they managed to steal the statue, why would they bring it back to Manny High? I mean, the whole idea is to keep Ms. Nobel from finding out about the prank.

Anyway, Ms. Nobel sees the statue and cancels the Homecoming dance and announces that no Manny High students, outside of the football team, will be allowed to attend the Homecoming game. On their radio show, Chris and Jamal announce that everyone is going to skip class and go up to the roof and play football. (How do they still have this show? Are school-sponsored radio shows allowed to promote skipping class?) Nobel is so upset to see everyone on the roof that she quits. As she explains it, she has never — in her 15 years of being the sole authority figure at a tough inner city school — been treated disrespectfully before.

Meanwhile, because this is a Thanksgiving episode, Cassidy and Dawn build a big paper-mache turkey for homecoming. But then L-Train and Al accidentally break off the turkey’s head. Rather than admit that it was their fault, they allow Cassidy and Dawn to fight over who was responsible. This is the sort of thing that Ms. Nobel would usually handle but Ms. Nobel is gone now and the new principal, Mr. Brown, doesn’t care.

Mr. Brown, by the way, is played by …. FRED WILLARD!

Yes, that Fred Willard. I guess Christopher Guest wasn’t making a movie at the time so Fred was free to hop over to the City Guys set and play Mr. Brown. Mr. Brown is supposed to be a clueless and insensitive buffoon who doesn’t really care about the students but he’s played by Fred Willard so it’s impossible to dislike him. When Ms. Nobel eventually changes her mind and tells Mr. Brown to get off her campus, the audience applauds but the viewers are like, “No! We like Fred Willard!”

That said, I do have to wonder how Ms. Nobel could quit her job and then just change her mind a few days later without it being a big deal. She just walks into the school, announces that she’s back, and she tells Mr. Brown to leave. Does the School Board have any say in this?

On the one hand, this was a dumb episode.

On the other hand …. Fred Willard!

Episode 2.12 “Party of Three”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 28th, 1998)

Despite using the broadcast to promote civil unrest, Chris and Jamal still have their radio show. When they get a call from a girl who asks whether or not she should dump her boyfriend, Jamal says sure. Uh-oh, the boyfriend was Al! And now, his ex-girlfriend wants to date Jamal! “You broke the code!” Ms. Nobel announces, showing that even she understands dude clichés.

Meanwhile, Dawn wants to throw a comet watching party on the school’s roof. L-Train ruins it by trying to get the attention of the aliens but accidentally getting the attention of the police instead.

This was a dumb episode but I did find it funny that Al, who usually portrayed as being a goofy sidekick, was apparently planning on killing his ex’s new boyfriend at one point and he even had a group of informants who were willing to help him out with his plans. This show could never quite decide just how dangerous Manny High was actually supposed to be.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.11 “Lonely at the Top/Silent Night/Divorce Me, Please”

Posted on November 16, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time to spend the holidays on the big seas!

Episode 1.11 “Lonely at the Top/Silent Night/Divorce Me, Please”

(Dir by Alan Baron, originally aired on December 10th, 1977)

Yay! It’s a Christmas cruise!

Every season, The Love Boat did a special Christmas episode. Last year, MeTV presented a marathon on Love Boat Christmases and what I discovered is that every Christmas episode featured the crew working through the holidays and missing their families. Nearly every Christmas episode also featured someone dressing up as Santa Claus and at least one veteran of the Golden Age of Hollywood.

The very first Christmas episode opens with the Julie, Isaac, Gopher, and Doc talking about how much they miss their families. We find out that Gopher’s family lives on a farm. Julie is from Oregon. Doc is from Las Vegas. (The show always tried to portray Doc as being some sort of Sinatra-style swinger, despite the fact that he was played by the very even-tempered Bernie Kopell.) Their conversation is interrupted by Captain Stubing who explains that 1) he’s divorced and 2) he’s a middle-aged man who doesn’t get along with his stepmother. Not only does he not have a family but the sea is his home and he has more to worry about than everyone’s holiday spirit.

Much as with Doc being a swinger, Captain Stubing being a stern taskmaster was a recurring theme during the first season of The Love Boat. The crew was always talking about how Stubing had a reputation for demanding perfection for those working under him and being quick to fire anyone who failed to live up to his standards. And yet, we never really see anything that would back up Stubing’s fearsome reputation. Just as how Bernie Kopell was a bit too even-tempered to be believable as a legendary playboy, Gavin MacLeod was a bit too naturally pleasant to be believable as someone who would strike fear in the hearts of his crew. While I have no idea what Gavin MacLeod was like offscreen, when he’s onscreen he comes across as being likable and friendly. Whenever Captain Stubing is meant to be upset or disappointed with his crew, he comes across as being more petulant than fearsome. That’s certainly the case in this episode. Captain Stubing may say that he’s not into the holidays but you never believe him.

Of course, that works to this episode’s advantage. Realizing that he’s failing to bond with his crew and that his lack of holiday spirit is rubbing everyone the wrong way, Stubing turns to Father Mike (Dick Sargent) for advice. Father Mike is escorting a group of children to an orphanage in Mexico but he still takes time to give Stubing some counseling. Let the crew know that you care about them, Father Mike says. Stubing attempts to do so but his attempts at small talk are so awkward that the crew just becomes more frightened of him. Finally, Stubing resorts to dressing up like Santa Claus. The crew may be scared of him but Father Mike’s orphans love him. Anyway, it all works out in the end and believe it or not, I actually did find myself getting invested in this very silly storyline. Gavin MacLeod may not have been believable as a stern captain but he was likable enough that it’s hard not to feel bad about him having a bad holiday.

While this is going on, Dan Barton (John Gavin) and his wife, Lila (Donna Mills), attempt to enjoy the holiday cruise. The only problem is that Dan has just been released from prison and he is struggling to adjust to being on the outside. No soon has Dan boarded the ship then he spots his former law partner, Walter (Dean Santoro). Walter committed the crime that Dan went to prison for and Dan becomes obsessed with getting revenge on him. Lila, meanwhile, wonders if Dan will ever give up his anger. There’s something a bit jarring about going from Captain Stubing dressing up like Santa Claus to Dan Barton plotting to murder someone. John Gavin gave a good performance but the shift in tone between his story and the rest of the episode was almost too extreme. It’d be like if they had made an episode of The Office where Pam suddenly found herself tempted to cheat on Jim with a member of the documentary crew. Tonally, it just felt out of place.

Finally, everyone thinks that Paul (Shecky Greene) and Audrey Baynes (Florence Henderson) are the perfect couple but actually, they’re both sick of each other and they spend most of their time thinking about getting a divorce. The gimmick here is that we hear their thoughts. So, Paul will tell Audrey how much he loves her and then we’ll hear him think something like, “Yeah, I’d love to toss you overboard.” It’s a one joke premise that gets old pretty quickly. Also, needless to say, this is The Love Boat and not The Divorce Boat. Things work out.

My reaction to this episode was a bit mixed but, to be honest, I like Christmas shows. Even if they’re not perfect, I still like them. And it was hard for me not to smile at the Christmas tree in the ship’s lounge or at all the decorations hanging on the ship’s walls. The Captain’s story had a lot of Christmas spirit and I enjoyed that. If you can’t spend the holidays at home, The Love Boat seems like a good substitute.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.10 “The Over-The-Hill-Gang/Poof, You’re A Movie Star!”

Posted on November 15, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone! Smiles!

Episode 1.10 “The Over-The-Hill-Gang/Poof, You’re A Movie Star!”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on April 15th, 1978)

Uh-oh, Tattoo has a new money-making scheme! It involves a parrot. While the exact details of Tattoo’s schemes are a bit vague, it all involves teaching the parrot how to speak. Again, I’m not sure how exactly that’s going to make Tattoo a lot of money but whatever. I like parrots.

Still, it’s hard not to notice that Tattoo seems to spend a lot of time trying to figure out ways to make extra money. Tattoo is the second-in-command at the world’s most prestigious resort so you have to wonder why he always seems to be so desperate to bring in some extra cash. It’s not like Tattoo is paying rent or even buying his own food. That’s all provided by Mr. Roarke and the island. Add to that, it has been implied that Tattoo is in charge of the island’s finances and that’s not a job that you give to someone who can’t handle his own money. Maybe Tattoo isn’t looking to make money for himself. Maybe Fantasy Island is on the verge of bankruptcy due to Roarke’s habit of giving people free fantasies. Maybe the talking parrot is Tattoo’s latest scheme to save the Island. If that’s the case, then Tattoo really is the secret hero of this series.

I actually wish this episode has spent more time with the parrot because that little throw-away story was still more interesting than the two main stories. Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a bad episode. It’s just a bit bland.

Shirley Russell (Barbi Benton) comes to the Island with dreams of becoming a movie star. Mr. Roarke simply snaps his fingers and suddenly, Shirley has not only an agent but also hundreds of fans following her everywhere that she goes. She also has a role in a big movie that will be filming on the Island! When the film’s producer (played by a veteran sleazy guy Herb Edelman) tells Shirley that she’ll have to film a nude scene for the movie, Shirley abandons her fantasy and happily reunites with her earnest fiancé. Barbi Benton was likable as Shirley but the fantasy itself was predictable and on the blah side. Shirley’s shock over the proposed nude scene made me wonder if she had actually watched any movies other than The Sound of Music.

The other fantasy dealt with Spencer Randolph (Ray Bolger), an aging bank robber who wanted to pull off one last job with his old gang before marrying a wealthy businesswoman. Bolger’s old gang was made up of familiar Hollywood character actors like Tom Ewell, Foster Brooks, and Phil Foster. Along with getting the old gang back together again, Spencer was also able to foil a blackmail scheme. Again, the storyline was a bit bland but the chemistry between all of the Hollywood veterans was enjoyable. Ray Bolger was just as spry and likable here as he was when he played the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. Interestingly enough, 39 years passed between The Wizard of Oz and this episode of Fantasy Island and Bolger was still younger than Joe Biden is today when he played Spencer Randolph, the leader of the over-the-hill gang.

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 2.7 “Fake ID-Ology” and 2.8 “When Loss Is Gain”

Posted on November 14, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have one of Hang Time’s best episodes followed by one of its worse! Let’s jump into it!

Episode 2.7 “Fake ID-Ology”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 19th, 1996)

As the episode begins, Coach Fuller is giving his usual pep talk. Yes, the other team is big and they’re good but the Tornadoes have been playing solid basketball! Get out and do your best! Woo hoo!

Except, what’s this? A bunch of Tornadoes that we’ve never seen before run out onto the court while Julie, Josh, Vince, Danny, and Teddy sit on the bench! Mary Beth is sitting in the stands, instead of helping Fuller coach. Amy is sitting next to her and is not in her cheerleading uniform! Oh my God, what’s going on!?

As we find out via flashback, the good players (along with Mary Beth and Amy) all got fake IDs so they could go to a 21 Only Club. (If only they lived in Florida instead of Indiana, they could have gone to Miami’s “hottest under 21 club,” The Warehouse.) Unfortunately, things didn’t go well at the club. Vince didn’t have a fake ID so he wasn’t allowed to enter but then he kept calling Danny until Danny went outside and handed over his fake ID. Vince used that ID to get in the club but, because a new bouncer was on duty, now Danny couldn’t get in. Meanwhile, Josh won a round of free beers and got drunk. (He had such a hangover, he tells us, On a TNBC show, even drinking one beer always leads to the worst hangover ever!) Mary Beth and Amy attracted the attention of some scuzzy weirdos who demanded that they kiss them in return for the free beers that they sent over to the table. The resulting brawl led to everyone getting grounded and Fuller benching all of them….

….which is kind of weird since it’s not like their Fuller’s kids. Teddy is Fuller’s godson so it makes sense that Fuller would punish him but I’m not really sure why he cares what the rest of the team does when they’re not on the court. As well, it seems like Fuller is actually punishing the other players on the team by revealing how bad they are to the rest of the world. The Tornadoes lose the game and not by a small margin. Basically, Fuller just announced, “My team sucks except for Julie and Josh.”

Still, there’s a wonderfully overacted moment in which one of the bad players announces that, “I don’t want to let the team down!” while glaring at the players sitting on the bench. And there’s a funny gag about the bouncers at the club and their reading materials. One reads The Gulag Archipelago while the other reads the Collected Works of Shakespeare and complains that Danny is so annoying that he can’t even make it through Hamlet. This is actually one of the best episodes of Hang Time because of the way it skillfully mixes broad comedy and heavy-handed moralizing.

That said, I still think Coach Fuller should have minded his own business. The Tornadoes are supposed to win games, not learn lessons!

Episode 2.8 “When Loss Is Gain”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 26th, 1996)

Because Coach Fuller is giving up getting angry for charity (?), everyone on the team agrees to give up something that they love for a few days. Julie gives up basketball. Josh gives up kissing. Teddy gives up desert. Vince gives up flirting. Amy gives up cheerleading. Danny gives up caring. How does any of that help the poor?

Mary Beth is supposed to give up shopping and, when she goes to the mall and shops instead, everyone gets all judgmental. So, Mary Beth goes down to a homeless camp and starts giving out money, which leads to her getting mugged. Mary Beth says she’s never going to forgive the people who attacked her.

“I’m sorry you got mugged and I’m glad you’re okay,” Josh announces, “but your attitude stinks!”

You know what, Josh? Go to Hell, you prick.

Anyway, it turns out that Josh is poor along with being condescending but you know what? Fuck him and his self-righteous attitude. Seriously, when Josh first appeared on this show, his whole thing was that he wouldn’t play basketball because he felt the team was too focused on winning. Now, he’s bitching because Mary Beth is upset over being mugged. What a jerk.

Bleh!

Retro Television Reviews: Swimsuit (dir by Chris Thomson)

Posted on November 13, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Mrs. Allison (Cyd Charisse, in what is basically an extended cameo) is determined to make Saltare Swimsuit Company the most popular swimsuit brand in the world. And, as we all know, the key to popularity is picking the right models. She assigns her second-in-command, Brian Rutledge (William Katt, giving off a pure Malibu vibe), to find the most beautiful women and men on the beach. Joining Brian on this mission is his goofy assistant, Willard Thurm (Tom Villard).

Brian and Willard quickly manage to gather a group of potential models, all of whom will now compete for the chance to represent Saltare. Among the hopefuls:

Maria (Nia Peeples) is hoping that she will not only become the body of Saltare but that she’ll also be able to launch an acting career. Complicating matters is that she used to be married to Brian and he tends to get upset whenever an audition causes her to be late to a photoshoot.

Jade (Catherine Oxenberg) wants to be famous and rich and she’s already living a wealthy lifestyle. Everything about Jade suggests that she’s probably doing massive amounts of cocaine but, since this is a made-for-TV movie, we don’t get to see any of that. Instead, she ends up having a very unlikely romance with Willard.

Romella (Ally Walker) is Hungarian and speaks mangled English, which this film plays for cringey laughs. She befriends a male model named Scott (Paul Johansson) and schemes to make money.

Finally, Rosy (Cheryl Pollak) is an innocent and naïve waitress who, like all good Americans, has always dreamed of being a model. As she competes, she finds herself torn between two potential suitors. Chris Cutty (Billy Warlock, showing off the blue collar beach style that landed him the role of the troubled lifeguard on Baywatch) is working class but honest and he has big plans of opening up his own business. Hart Chadway (Jack Wagner) is slick and wealthy and older. Gee, I wonder who Rosy will end up with?

You know all the horror stories that you hear about the modeling industry? The sexual harassment? The eating disorders? The constant pressure to be perfect? The drug addiction and the depression and the stalkers and the cancel crowd watching your every move? Well, absolutely none of that is present in Swimsuit, which basically portrays modeling as perhaps the most earnest and wholesome industry to be found in the United States. Mrs, Allison wants the best for all of her models and Brian and Willard are complete gentlemen. You’ll be able to guess, from the minute she first appears onscreen, who is ultimately going to be the winner of the model search but, in the end, everyone gets something to be happy about. This is a film without any real conflict, beyond Rosy trying to decide whether to date a working class hunk or a slightly more wealthy hunk.

You may have guessed that there’s not a huge amount of depth to Swimsuit. It’s a movie about good looking people posing in swimsuits. It’s the type of film that you can play in the background while you do other things. Whenever someone starts singing a song on the soundtrack or you hear the sound of waves hitting the beach, you know that it’s time to look at the screen. No one in the film makes a huge impression, though Cyd Charisse is properly eloquent as Mrs. Allison and William Katt is likable as Brian. Tom Villard and Catherine Oxenberg make for an unexpectedly cute couple, which just goes to show that it’s never a bad idea to temper beauty with goofiness and vice versa. Otherwise, this is an inoffensive but slightly forgettable fantasy of what it’s like to be a model.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 2.8 “High Plains Dreamer” and 2.9 “Bwa Ha Ha Means I Love You”

Posted on November 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Tony turns out to be a total coward while the Dreams attempt to record their first album.

But first, the opening credits. Again, because the post-Jenny opening credits for season two have not been uploaded to YouTube, you have to imagine Jennie Kwan in the place of Heidi Noelle Lenhart.

Episode 2.8 “High Plains Dreamer”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 30th, 1993)

Oh Good God.

Like all TNBC shows, California Dreams had its share of bad episodes. In fact, technically, you could argue that the majority of them were bad. It’s not like anyone was trying to win an Emmy for a writing or directing a show like Saved By The Bell, Hang Time, or California Dreams. Still, even the knowledge that we’re not exactly dealing with Friends or Seinfeld here, left me unprepared for the crappiness of High Plans Drifter.

High Plains Drifter is the worst episode of California Dreams that I have seen so far. At the movies, Tony is threatened by a bully. Tony reacts by passing out. Seriously, he doesn’t even get knocked unconscious in a fight or anything like that. Someone gives him a mean look and he faints! And then, while he’s passed out, he imagines that he’s a drifter who becomes the sheriff of an old west town. Matt shows up as the town’s singing cowboy. Jake is the blacksmith who promised his wife, Tiffani, that he would never pick up a gun. Sly is the rich ne’er-do-well who owns the town. Sam runs the town’s dancehall, which is obviously meant to be a brothel.

One gets the feeling that the cast had fun with this episode, because everyone got to wear a costume and speak with an exaggerated Southwestern accent. But, for the most part, the humor is painfully corny (even by the standards of California Dreams) and the cast’s overly theatrical performances quickly wear out their welcome.

Let’s move on!

Episode 2.9 “Bwa Ha Ha Means I Love You”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 6th, 1993)

Jake and Tiffani’s seven-week anniversary is coming up and cash-poor Jake hasn’t even bought her a present yet! It looks like it’s time for to Jake to set aside both his pride and his leather jacket and take a job at Maniac Music. Jake puts on a tie and a red vest and soon, he’s the one handing out flyers and saying, “Welcome to — Bwa ha ha! — Maniac Music!”

Unfortunately, only Tony knows that Jake has taken a job. When the other Dreams — and Tiffani — begin to wonder why Jake appears to be sneaking around, Jake’s fumbling attempts to answer their questions leads to Sam deciding that Jake must be cheating on Tiffani. And, of course, Tiffani believes it because …. well, who knows? This is another one of those annoying episodes where a lot of conflict could have been avoided by people just not being stupid.

Meanwhile, the Dreams record their first album! And hey, it only takes an hour or two! They perform in Matt’s garage and Sly hits record on the big tape recorder. They don’t even need a producer or a mixing board or anything else like that. Sly takes the tape and heads down to Maniac Music. When he discovers that Jake is working there, Sly convinces him to pressure the store manager into carrying the tape.

The members of the Dreams hear that their album is for sale at Maniac Music so they head down there. Not only do they discover that Jake has a job at the store but they also discover that all of the tapes are blank! Sly screwed up the recording but why would the store manager agree to stock the tapes without checking to make sure that there was actually something on them? Meanwhile, Tiffani is so mad that Jake lied to her that she refuses to speak to him. Jake angrily quits his job.

Fortunately, all it takes for Jake to get back together with Tiffani is one impassion speech at Sharky’s. Plus, the Dreams record their performance so I guess they’ll survive the whole blank tape fiasco. Yay.

This was an incredibly busy episode. In fact, it was a bit too busy. Nothing anyone did made sense. Sly was somehow allowed to remain the manager of the Dreams despite screwing up their big break. Jake told increasingly elaborate lies to hide from Tiffani the fact that he had a job even though Tiffani has consistently been the only Dream who probably wouldn’t have made fun of him for having to wear a dorky vest. This was an annoying episode but it was still a hundred times better than the old west episode so it had that going for it.

Seriously, that old west episode was bad!