Retro Television Reviews: The Brady Bunch Hour 1.5

Posted on February 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!

This week, Mike and Carol Brady wonder if they truly love each other.

Episode 1.5

(Directed by Jack Regas, originally aired on March 21st, 1977)

As always, we start with the Kroftettes dancing while the audience cheers. The announcer recites the names of our stars. Don’t Florence Henderson and Robert Reed look happy? Little do they suspect what’s about to happen to the marriage of Mike and Carol Brady!

Proving once again that they have their fingers on the pulse of the culture, the Bradys come out and perform Toot, Toot, Tootsie (Goo’ Bye), a song that was all the rage in 1922. This song was already 55 years old when it was performed on this show. Fortunately, the Kroftettes entertain the audience with some water ballet in an attempt to keep anyone from wondering why the Brady kids were so enthusiastic about singing a song that was even older than their parents.

After they finish singing, all of the Brady kids joke about how Mike can’t sing. “I can carry a tune!” Mike objects. Carol and the kids laugh at him. Poor Mike! Oblivious to how much Mike is suffering, Carol announces that tonight’s guest star is, “The always unpredictable Charo!” Cindy says that they’ll also be joined by “the far out Hudson Brothers!” It falls to poor Marcia to inform everyone that Rip Taylor will also be on tonight’s episode.

We then cut to Rip Taylor, who excitedly tells the audience that he’s so excited because there’s a mystery guest tonight! He puts on a sleep mask before calling out for the mystery guest because he wants to be truly surprised. The problem with this is that we already know who the guests are because the Bradys told us who tonight’s guests are going to be. We know the mystery guest is not going to be Rip Taylor because he’s the one telling us about the mystery guest. We know it’s not going to be The Hudson Brothers because Rip said “guest” and not “guests.” So, that only leaves Charo as a possibility.

Out comes Charo. Rip is so excited! “I love Spanish women!” Rip exclaims. After some pointless banter, Charo grabs a guitar, sits down on a stool, and plays a surprisingly good version of Malagueña.

We then cut to Marcia, who informs us that Mike actually got his feelings hurt after his kids humiliated him about his singing on national television. Marcia explains that Mike was determined to show that he really could carry a tune. “Little did he know how much trouble it would get him into,” Marcia says. Uh-oh!

Flashback time! At the Brady Compound, all of the Brady kids and Alice are practicing their singing and their dance moves. They are observed by Mike, who is wearing a turtleneck that makes him look like he’s just returned from recording a commentary for NPR. Mike announces that he’s planning on singing on the show. Everyone struggles to find a new way to inform Mike that he can’t sing. Carol mentions that no one can be good at everything. “I can’t play tennis,” Carol says. Even Rip Taylor drops by unannounced and, after singing a bit of Singin’ In The Rain, he reminds everyone that Mike can’t sing. Needless to say, Mike is not happy to hear any of this. Never tell a man in a turtleneck and a camel hair blazer that he can’t sing.

Mike leaves the house and heads to the set, where he tries to play a guitar. This immediately attracts Charo who jokes about Mike’s plan to perform a song on the next show.

“I’ll level with you, Charo,” Mike gravely says, “this isn’t a joke. I want to sing this song but nobody in my family will accompany me …. I don’t think they want to be too close to me when I sing.”

Realizing that Mike has the worst family in the world, Charo agrees to help him. Yay, Charo! Seriously, Mike takes himself way too seriously but his family really is the worst. “We will make beautiful music together!” Charo announces, little aware that Rip Taylor and Carol Brady happen to be standing right behind them.

Yes, this is a terrible screenshot but it’s as good as it’s going to get on YouTube.

Cut to Carol, standing alone on stage and oversinging Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word. Seriously, though, how hard is it to apologize to Mike for rather cruelly making fun of his bad singing? I mean, it’s not like Carol is apologizing for cheating on him or embezzling money or anything like that. All she has to do is say, “Hey, Mike — sorry I laughed at you when you said you wanted to sing.” If she can’t even apologize for that, then maybe Carol deserves to lose her man to Charo.

Looking like two demonic cult children, Cindy and Bobby come out and welcome us to the second half of the show.

“Mom was really worried about Dad and Charo,” Bobby says.

Cindy repeats, “Mom was really worried about Dad and Charo.”

That’s right — Cindy is now repeating everything that Bobby says, word-for-word. That’s like not creepy at all.

At the Brady Compound, Carol tells Alice that she saw Mike and Charo singing together and now Mike wants Charo to come have dinner with the family. Carol is really upset and worried that she’s going to lose Mike. “I’m a bad wife and a lousy cook!” Carol says. Wow, Carol, it sounds like maybe he should leave you.

After Carol leaves the kitchen, Greg, Marcia, and Peter come in. Peter is impressed that his father is having an affair with Charo while Marcia, who is wearing a hat that makes her looks like she should be one of Tony Montana’s bodyguards, says that Mike is just not the type to cheat.

We then cut to the dinner with Charo. Charo is sitting on the couch with Mike while the rest of the family awkwardly stares at them. Charo says that she likes “hot stuff” and Carol gives her a death glare before ordering all the kids to go walk on the beach at night. After the kids leave, Carol threatens to kill Charo and shouts, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, MIKE!?”

Carol runs outside. After telling Charo that they better hold off on their duet, Mike goes outside and tells Carol that he understands that she was just jealous.

“Of course I’m jealous,” Carol says, “you’re a very handsome man and she’s Charo!”

Carol finally apologizes for making fun of Mike’s singing. Was that so hard, Carol? We then cut to Mike singing I’ve Grown Accustomed To Her Face and oh my God, his voice really is terrible. The kids weren’t kidding when they said Mike couldn’t carry a tune. Why did Carol allow him to do this!?

Sorry, Mike!

With all of that resolved, it’s time for the Bradys to once again prove their cultural relevance by singing Strike Up The Band, which was the most popular song of 1927. They also perform Seventy-Six Trombones, which was only 20 years old when this episode originally aired.

We then cut to a comedic skit, featuring Charo as “Sissyrella” and Rip Taylor as her stepsister. Sissyrella and her step sister live on a farm. Sissyrella gets upset when she’s told that she can’t go to the hoedown. Alice the Maid appears as Sissyrella’s fairy god mother. The Fairy Godmother not only gives Sissyrella a nice jumpsuit to replace her farm clothes but she also announces that Sissyrella is going to go to the hoedown. (It’s hard to describe any of this without making it sound like some sort of bad 70s porno film.)

The Hoedown is being held at a saloon. Marcia plays a madam who flirts with a cowboy in white who is played by her stepbrother, Peter.

Meanwhile, Greg plays Black Bart, the Rhinestone Cowboy.

Sissyrella shows up and both Peter and Greg announce that they love her. “Boys, boys,” Marcia says, “what about me?” Well, Marcia, you’re like their stepsister so it’s not illegal but it is kind of icky.

Unfortunately, the clock hits six and Sissyrella has to get back to the barn. However, as she runs off, Peter manages to grab Sissyrella’s boot. Sissyrella, now once again dressed as a farmhand, come back on stage to get her boot. Peter suggests that he and Sissyrella should ride off into the sunset together. So, 16 year-old Peter marries 40-something Charo and the audiences goes crazy.

We then cut to Peter and Greg standing on stage. Peter worries that Greg is going to push him into the pool. Greg promises not to. Greg then introduces the Hudson Brothers before pushing Peter into the pool. Fortunately, Peter does not break his neck when he hits the water but you know it’s going to happen someday. Maybe Mike should take a break from his affair with Charo to tell Greg and Peter the basics of swimming pool safety.

The Hudson Brothers — one of whom is the biological father of Kate Hudson, though Kate has always said that she considers Kurt Russell to be her actual father — perform Disco Queen while the Kroftettes do their thing in the pool. It’s actually a nice break from whatever the Hell we’ve been watching for the past 40 minutes.

Now, it’s time for the finale! This week, it’s songs about places! As always the family introduces the finale together and then they somewhat frantically run off stage as the performance starts. I’m not sure why this show thought it was a good idea to always show us how panicked the family was before performing and how out-of-breath they were after performing. It really does make seem as if the show is detrimental to both their physical and mental well-being.

Mike and Carol sing a bit from Chicago (That Toodlin’ Town). Not mentioned in their performance is Chicago’s long history of political corruption and organized crime.

Marcia sings a bit from California Dreaming, but does not mention the wildfires, the earthquakes, or the serial killers.

Carol sings Back Home Again In Indiana, but fails to mention all of the young people who suffered life-threatening injuries while playing basketball on Hang Time.

Marcia, Jan, and Cindy sing Do You Know the Way to San Jose, without mentioning the threat that Big Tech poses to human freedom. Admittedly, that probably wasn’t as much of a concern in 1977 as it is today. Still…

Robert Reed and Florence Henderson perform The Theme From San Francisco but somehow, they forget to mention Jim Jones and the People’s Temple.

Barry Williams and The Hudson Brothers perform a song called Philadelphia Freedom but somehow, they fail to mention the time that a bunch of Eagles fans tried to kill Santa Claus.

Ann B. Davis and Rip Taylor perform Big D, a song about Dallas. Yay!

The entire family then performs America and United We Stand. They’re lucky they were performing in America, where everyone has the right to be off-key.

And the show ends, with Carol announcing that tonight’s show was very special to her for many reasons. For instance, her marriage didn’t fall apart. Yay! Probably the most positive thing that I can say about this episode is that Charo actually proved herself to be a far better musician and singer than I was expecting. The worst thing that I can say is that the Sissyrella skit went on way too long. The important thing is that, after 48 minutes, the episode ended.

Next week, Rich Little thinks that he’s a member of the Brady family! Poor guy.

Retro Television Review: The Brady Bunch Hour Episode 1.4

Posted on February 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Ugh. What fresh Hell is this?

Episode 1.4

(Dir by Jack Regas, Originally aired on March 4th, 1977)

“It’s the Brady Bunch Hour!” the announcer shouts as the Kroftettes dance at the pool.

As opposed to the previous three episodes, the audience’s applause sounds a bit deflated, as if they know what’s waiting for them.

The Bradys come out and perform (Keep Your) Sunny Side Up, from the hit 1929 musical Sunny Side Up. If you’ve never heard of this song before, don’t worry. Up until I watched this episode, I had never heard it either. And judging from their performance of the song, I would be willing to guess that Bradys hadn’t heard it until maybe an hour before performing it.

While the Bradys sing, the Kroftettes perform water ballet. For some reason, someone decided it would be a good idea to film the Kroftettes emerging from the water in slow motion, which kind of makes it look like they’re sea beasts emerging from the ocean to kill the Bradys. Not that the Bradys notice, of course. They’re too busy trying to remember the lyrics to Keep The Sunny Side Up. Trying to keep up the family’s flagging energy, Florence Henderson sings with a lot of intensity. The kids look embarrassed and who can blame them? I doubt singing a song from 1929 was one of the selling points when the Kroft Brothers approached them to do this show. As Mike Brady, Robert Reed has a silly grin on his face. He’s obviously having the time of his life. When the song finally ends, Reed is noticeably out of breath. For whatever reason, The Brady Bunch Hour loved to show the audience the Bradys struggling to catch their breath after every performance. I guess we were supposed to say, “They worked really hard!” but instead, it leaves the impression that the show is actually killing its cast.

Anyway, the song finally ends and we spend some time with the kids bantering. Greg is noticeably upset about his siblings being so immature. An argument breaks out. Carol yells at everyone to hold it down. It’s like being forced to watch someone else’s terrible Thanksgiving dinner. Carol and Mike announce the guests for the show are going to be Vincent Price and Rip Taylor. Greg gets mad because he wanted to introduce the guests. IT NEVER ENDS!

Finally, we go to commercial break. When the show returns, The Brady Bunch is singing It’s Not Where You Start from the 1973 Broadway musical, Seesaw. Again, you have to wonder if this was really the music that everyone was listening to in 1977. I mean, this was the same year that Saturday Night Fever came out. This was the year of Star Wars. I just doubt there was a nationwide demand for a show featuring Robert Reed singing Broadway show tunes. Again, this performance ends with close-ups of Robert Reed and Florence Henderson gasping for breath. Obviously, performing requires a lot of physical exertion but Reed gasps like he’s got a pack-a-day smoking habit. Carol explains that they just sang this song because it reflected an experience that they had with Greg earlier in the week. What a weird way to introduce a flashback.

We cut to the Brady compound, where Greg is in the living room, attempting to write a song, strumming his guitar, and getting annoyed with the family. In Greg’s defense, his family is loud and annoying but, at the same time, is there no other room in the house where Greg could have worked. Anyway, Greg announces that he’s going to have to get his own place. Seeing as how Greg is in his 20s …. well, yes, he does. There’s really no reason why Greg (and for that matter, Marcia) should still be living in the Brady House and having to ask his stepmother for permission to stay out late.

Anyway, Mike and Carol attempt to have a serious conversation with Greg about his desire to move out so, of course, Rip Taylor shows up as Jackie Merrill, the landlord. It turns out that Jackie has a place that Greg can rent. “It’s funky but not junky!” Jackie announces. Mike orders Jackie to leave. “I see Papa Bear is cranky!” Jackie replies. “Dad,” Greg announces, “I love you …. but I’m not your BOY anymore!”

DAMN! LOOK AT GREG STANDING UP TO HIMSELF!

We then cut to Marcia Brady, saying that everyone at the Brady House was really sad about Greg wanting to leave. And then from there, we cut to Jackie showing Greg his new apartment.

Someone knocks on the door and demands to be let in. And …. hey! WHAT’S VINCENT PRICE DOING HERE!?

Vincent asks Jackie and Greg if they’re dead. When he discover that they’re alive, Vincent explains that he’s a ghost hunter and Greg’s apartment is haunted by “Stella Beaumont, among others.” Vincent explains that Greg looks a lot like Stella’s great grandson, Dinky, who died when he fell off of Greg’s new couch. Vincent Price has a lot of fun hamming it up but you probably already guessed that.

While Greg worries about ghosts, his family sits around the house and worries about him. Greg calls Carol so that he can give the family his new phone number. Carol starts to cry. “Say hello to everyone for me,” Greg says. Uhmm …. did Greg move to another country? Aren’t they all in Hollywood and still doing a variety show together? Why are they acting like they’re never going to see him again? Did Vincent Price talk to them?

Anyway, we then cut to Carol singing Traces while Greg sings All By Myself. As usual, Florence Henderson knocks the song out of the park. Barry Williams, however, struggles a bit as All By Myself is a terrible fit for his rather limited vocal range. Don’t get me wrong. Barry Williams has a perfectly pleasant singing voice but when he tries to hit those emotional high notes, it’s just cringe city.

Mike Brady welcomes us to “the second half of the Brady Bunch hour …. minus one.” Mike doesn’t seem to be too upset about Greg moving out. It’s interesting that Greg’s stepmother seems to be more emotionally invested in him than his own father.

We then cut to Carol and Greg in their living room, talking about how all of their children will have soon moved out. Carol is upset that Greg is not answering the phone at his new apartment. Mike tells her that it’s good that Greg is out and having fun. Suddenly, Greg rings the doorbell and says that he was just in the neighborhood. Greg then confesses that he owes Carol and Mike an apology for moving out without telling them and he also explains that he hates his new apartment. Greg says that he wants to come back and live in his old house. I guess Mr. Merrill forgot to have him sign a lease.

We cut to Peter saying that we’ve reached the part of the show where Greg always pushes him into the pool. But this week, Peter says, he’s going to do the pushing. Peter sneaks up on Greg but, just as Peter is about give him a shove, Greg moves slightly to the left and — yep, Peter falls in the pool! It’s kind of sad that this recurring bit is the only part of The Brady Bunch Hour that I ever find myself looking forward to. Greg then introduces a giant creature named H.R. Puff-in-Stuff, who proceeds to “lip-synch” to an Elton John song called Celebration.

Alice the Maid comes out on stage and explains that “Well, Greg’s back now,” and the family is going to throw a party for him. But first, it’s time for Marcia to sing Time In A Bottle. Much as with Barry Williams, it’s not that Maureen McCormick has a bad voice. She has a perfectly pleasant voice. But she’s singing a song that’s way outside of her range. Plus, someone decided that she should wear her hair up for her performance, which was not a good look for her. Maureen McCormick had really pretty hair so why would you hide that?

We then cut to Jackie Merrill, delivering a Tennessee Williams-style monologue about how he was only doing his job when he gave Greg that terrible apartment. The Bradys then throw a party for Greg. Bobby gets a cake smashed in his face. Bleh. I hate that gag, it’s so messy. Is this over yet?

Actually, it is almost over. The Bradys perform the finale, a medley of songs about being happy, including the Happy Days theme song.

This episode was kind of annoying but at least it had Vincent Price. Plus, that bit with the dancing monster was enjoyably weird. I don’t blame Greg for wanting to get out of there.

Hey, there’s only five more episodes of this show left. Yay!

Retro Television Reviews: The Brady Bunch Hour 1.3

Posted on February 3, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Join me as I watched episode 3 of …. *shudder* …. The Brady Bunch Hour!

Episode 1.3

(Dir by Jack Regas, originally aired on February 27th, 1977)

As always, the episode opens with pictures of the Bradys being flashed across a screen as the announcer shouts out everyone’s names. One thing I immediately notice is that Christopher Knight is now referred to as being “Chris Knight,” which sounds less like the name of the actor who played Peter Brady and more like the secret of identity of a cheesy super hero. The crowd goes crazy for each Brady but they really go nuts when the announcer reveals that tonight’s special guest star will be Milton Berle.

That’s right, Milton Berle. I honestly have to imagine that, even in the 70s, Milton Berle probably seemed like a rather quaint guest star. The Bradys were hardly on the cutting edge of …. well, anything. But, even for them, Milton Berle feels a little bit past his prime.

The Bradys come out and sing Hooray for Hollywood, which I’m sure was the song that all the kids were listening to in 1977.

Having finished singing, the Bradys banter. Everyone gets super excited when Carol says that their special guest is the “one and only Milton Berle!” And then it’s time for the family to once again sing Hooray for Hollywood. Hollywood may be a great thing but another great thing is being able to carry a tune and, unfortunately, that’s something that half of the Bradys apparently never managed to master.

(It’s okay, I can’t sing either.)

Obviously looking to punish the viewers even further, Hooray for Hollywood is followed by Mike, Carol, Greg, Marcia, and Pete singing Make ‘Em Laugh. Is tonight’s theme Broadway songs that are largely adored by people who have never actually seen a Broadway show? Alice and Rip Taylor — who I guess is still playing the Bradys landlord, Jackie Merrill — come out on stage after the performance and sing their own version of Make ‘Em Laugh. From the start of the performance, it’s pretty clear that Ann B. Davis would rather be anywhere other than sharing a stage with Rip Taylor. It’s actually painful to watch as two mismatched performers, neither one of whom appears to like the other, sing a song about making the audience laugh.

Mercifully, we then cut to Peter Brady. Because of the way the scene is lit, my first thought upon seeing Peter is that he’s going to confess to killing a bunch of co-eds.

Instead, Peter explains that it’s time for him to do a song but no one in his family wants to introduce him. Wow, Peter! Your family sucks! Fortunately, a weird little puppet shows up and duets with Peter on Sing. It’s weird, dude.

We cut to Bobby, who complains that his family doesn’t know what’s funny. “This is funny,” Bobby says, before getting hit in the face with a pie. The audience agrees. Personally, I hate the whole pie-smashing thing because I know it’s probably a mess to clean up afterwards.

We go to the Brady House, where Alice is talking on a CB radio that has been set up in the kitchen. Mr. Merrill is in the kitchen for some reason. Carol, Mike, and Bobby come into the kitchen. Bobby thinks that the show isn’t funny enough. Mike and Carol think that Bobby is being a brat. “Compared to us,” Bobby says, “Donnie and Marie are Cheech and Chong!” Mike argues that they do more than comedy but he says that he’ll consider Bobby’s suggestions. Who died and made Mike the producer of the show?

After Carol, Alice, and Mike leave, the CB radio comes to life. It’s Milton Berle looking for someone to talk to! Bobby and Mr. Merrill talk to Berle. Berle insults Bobby, saying that he sounds like he belongs on Sesame Street. Bobby tells Berle that he’s funny and asks him if he wants to be a on a TV show. “A TV show? WHERE!? WHERE!?” Berle shouts in reply and I’ll admit that I actually did kind of laugh at that.

We go to commercial and, when we return, Rip Taylor welcomes us to the second half of the show. We then cut to Bobby and the Brady kids waiting for Milton Berle to show up at the house. They wonder why he’s late. “Maybe he’s watching The Partridge Family,” says Cindy. “Maybe he saw our show!” Bobby replies. When did Bobby become the smartest member of the family?

Anyway, Milton eventually rings the doorbell and enters the house, smoking a cigar.

It quickly becomes obvious that Milton Berle doesn’t know who the Bradys are and the Brady kids aren’t sure who Milton is. Fortunately, Carol and Mike return home and Carol explains that Milton Berle is a television pioneer and “the funniest man in the world.”

“Mr. Berle,” Mike says, “why are you here?”

“Bad luck, I guess,” Berle replies and again, I will admit that I laughed because Berle obviously meant every word.

Bobby says that Milton can make the show funnier. When Mike says that they don’t need the show to be funnier, Milton gets angry and says that he’s going to write for the show just to make Mike look bad. I’m really starting to like Milton Berle. Milton agrees to take over but he says that the family has to understand that they are to do everything that he says. He’s in charge now, not Mike. It’s about time!

Milton’s first act is to try to teach Peter how to enunciate. When Peter struggles, Milton Berle SLAPS him. Then he attempts to show Greg how to walk like a television star.

We cut to commercial. When we return, the announcer tells us that we are now watching “The Milton Berle Brady Bunch Hour, created by Milton Berle, produced by Milton Berle, written by Milton Berle….” You get the idea. The Bradys, who are now all wearing silly costumes, come out and sing Hooray for Hollywood again. Mike is not happy with his outfit.

Milton comes out on stage and yells at the Bradys to “sell the comedy.” The kids tells a few old vaudeville jokes. Milton runs out on stage with a fake plant and refers to Carol as being “Mrs. Bunch.” Mike complains about having to wear makeup. “What do you do when you and your wife have a fight?” Milton asks. “We make up,” Mike says, which leads to him being attacked by a makeup artist. Realizing that things aren’t going well, Milton resigns and apologizes. Okay, I guess that’s the end of that. It’s typical of this show that the one successful skit ends on a totally random note.

We go to commercial and when we return, Greg and Peter are standing next to the pool. Greg says that Peter is nervous because this is the part of the show where he always gets shoved into the pool. Considering the fact that Peter could die if he hits the water the wrong way, he has every right to be nervous. Greg says that, this week, he’ll let Peter push him in. Peter doesn’t believe him and jumps in the pool to escape his cruel older brother.

This is followed by Tina Turner who …. wait. What? The stupid pool gag is followed by TINA TURNER!? What a weird show! Needless to say, Tina’s great but it’s still hard not to feel that the Bradys shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near her. As a general rule, if you’re a singer who can’t carry a tune and who can’t dance and who is visibly uncomfortable performing on stage, don’t put yourself in a position to be compared directly to Tina Turner.

After Tina performs, we cut to more Brady nonsense as Carol, Mike, and Bobby inform Milton Berle that he’s been fired from the show. Wait a minute? What? I thought Milton made a big deal about stepping down as producer? I guess I must have misinterpreted that previous scene but honestly, I refuse to go back and rewatch it. If the show’s writers and performers couldn’t make this stuff clear, that’s on them.

“You’re giving me the pink slip?” Milton asks.

“We’re giving you all the costumes back,” Bobby says. The audiences goes nuts.

(By the way, I’m wearing a pink slip right now.)

With Milton gone (again), Carol comes out and sings Evergreen, the theme from A Star is Born. It’s a good song for her voice and I actually enjoyed listening to her version.

It’s time for the big finale! All the songs are about stars. I can’t even begin to describe it. Just watch, if you dare.

To my surprise, this episode was not terrible. Milton Berle’s obvious disdain for the family generated some laughs and Tina Turner’s performance was a definite highlight. Even Florence Henderson’s musical performance was effective. It was hardly perfect and both the opening and the finale reminded me of how tone deaf most of the Bradys were but still, this episode was probably about as good as anyone could expect from The Brady Bunch Hour.

God knows what’s waiting for us next week.

Retro Television Reviews: The Brady Bunch Hour 1.2

Posted on January 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Following the rating success of the pilot for the Brady Bunch Variety Hour, ABC decided to bite the bullet and the Bradys returned to the airwaves!

*Deep sigh*

Okay, let’s do this….

Episode 1.2

(Originally aired on January 23, 1977, Dir by Jack Regas)

I’ve discovered that the dancers who performed on each episode of The Brady Bunch Hour were known as the Kroftettes. (The show as produced by Sid and Marty Kroft and there is definitely nothing creepy about naming your performers after yourself.) The second episode of the Brady Bunch Hour opened with the Kroftettes dressed in red, white, and blue and carrying small drums. It would be a perfect look for the 4th of July but this episode aired in January.

The dancers eventually move off stage and the audience goes crazy as the announcer informs them that tonight’s episode not only stars the Bradys but also Lee Majors, Farrah Fawcett-Majors, Rip Taylor, Ann B. Davis, and …. Kaptian Kool and the Kong! Well, who wouldn’t be excited by the Kong? The Kong was apparently a musical group. With a name like that, you would hope they would at least have the decency to dress up like gorillas but instead, they appear to have just been a typical 70s prog rock outfit.

The Bradys come out on stage and start awkwardly singing a rock version of Yankee Doodle Dandy. The YouTube screenshot below isn’t the best but I think it gives you some idea of what this performance is like:

“Yankee Doodle …. Keep it up!” the family chants as the Kroftettes splash about in the pool. The audience loves it.

With the song completed, the Brady Bunch introduce themselves. Greg spends too long talking about himself and is sharply reprimanded by Carol. Cindy explains that it is now 1977. Thanks, Cindy! Fake Jan smiles and tries not to cry as she jokes around with her new family. Mike Brady explains that the Bunch has a new house. “We have a terrific new show!” Mike says. Sure you do, Mike. Carol explains that the show will only be airing once a month. “We’re only a few minutes in and we’ve already been canceled!?” Mike says.

After a reprise of Yankee Doodle Dandy, the show mercifully breaks for commercial. When the show returns, the Bradys are stepping into their new home and discovering that they have no furniture! The movers ran off with it! Luckily, Alice the Maid randomly shows up with a bunch of sleeping bags.

“Well, Mike,” Carol says, “what do we do now?”

“The only thing we can do,” Mike replies, “is hit the sack.”

Every member of the Bunch hits their sleeping bag. 9 minutes in and this show is already giving me a migraine.

Fortunately, the moving man shows up. Unfortunately, the moving man is played by a very 70s comedian named Rip Taylor.

Rip Taylor is playing Mr, Merrill. Merrill refuses to take any blame for being late with the furniture. Carol suggests that Mr. Merrill come back tomorrow. Do they want their furniture or not? Well, it really doesn’t matter because it turns out that Mr. Merrill has some other family’s furniture in his truck and the Brady furniture is still missing. Mr. Merrill promises to have their furniture tomorrow. “Let’s hit the sack,” Mike says and everyone hits their sleep bag and ….. ARRRRRRRGHHHHH!

Where was I?

Anyway, the Bradys then sing Razzle Dazzle from Chicago, with all the skill of a small town community theater chorus.

Back at the Brady House, Alice scolds Marcia for hoarding all of her dolls. Alice tells her that everyone is having to give things up. Uhmmm …. they’re just dolls, Alice. And really, why is Alice giving Marcia orders? Marcia imagines Alice as the Wicked Witch of the West and then imagines herself as Dorothy and performing Car Wash with her brothers and Rip Taylor …. wait, what? Just watch for yourself.

Hey, who doesn’t love cocaine?

Fake Jan and Peter appear and explain that the Bradys eventually got their furniture. “Look at what happened!” Peter says. We cut to the family watching Mike hang an ugly painting over the fireplace. Mike orders everyone to go to bed at 8 pm. Greg objects and Mike threatens to kill him.

Alice explains that Mike wants the kids to go to bed so that he and Carol can make love in the living room. No sooner have the children (and the maid) left than Rip Taylor shows up again and explains that he’s also the Bunch’s landlord. He says that a lovely couple is going to be staying with the Bradys over the weekend. Enter Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett! Lee is not amused to discover that Rip Taylor has double-booked the house. “Don’t hit me, you bionic bully!” Rip Taylor shouts. When Lee explains that his other house is being fumigated, Carol says that Lee and Farrah are “welcome to stay here with us.” RUN, LEE AND FARRAH! RUN!

After a commercial break, Carol welcomes the audience back to the second half of the show. Oh my God, there’s another 30 minutes of this? “I like that we can show you the way we really are at home,” Carol says.

Back at home, the Brady kids are getting their breakfast and are stunned to discover Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett asleep on the living room couches. (Yes, they have separate couches.) When Farrah and Lee wake up, Greg awkwardly asks for an autograph. “I don’t carry a pen in my pajamas,” Lee explains. Alice comes in and is struck speechless.

Cut to Marcia, explaining that “one of the great things about having our own show is that we get to showcase the individual talents of our family.” Marcia introduced Fake Jan, who performs Your Song. It’s the highlight of the episode because Geri Reischl, not being an original Brady, can actually sing.

Fake Jan is followed by Carol who sings Send In The Clowns, which is the type of song that is perfectly designed to bring out the worst tendencies in even the most talented of singers. That certainly happens to Florence Henderson, who has a great voice but who also totally overdoes the bathos in her performance.

Greg catches Peter flirting with a Kroftette. Greg shoves Peter in the pool. Kaptain Kool and the Kong come out and perform a song called Names. It’s not a bad song but I have to admit that I’m more worried about the possibility of Peter breaking his neck the next time his older brother throws him in the pool without warning.

It’s time for the finale and Mike asks Carol why the stage is decorated with hearts. “It’s not Valentine’s Day,” Mike says, as if he and his family didn’t open this show by celebrating Independence Day in January. Carol explains that the theme of the finale is “Young and Old.” “Young and Old hearts?” Mike asks. DAMMIT, MIKE, JUST SHUT UP AND SING!

Anyway, much as with the Wizard of Oz/Car Wash thing, this is one of those things that can’t really be described. But it can be watched:

And then, thank God, it ends!

A huge flaw with this show is that the Bradys keep telling us how much they love being a family but we know they’re not a family. We know this because they brought in a substitute Jan. As such, the sentimental moments fall flat. “We’re so proud of our sister,” the kids say before Jan comes out to sing but seriously, we know that’s not Jan. I would much rather listen to Geri Reischl sing than any other member of the Bunch but it doesn’t change the fact that we know that’s not their sister.

Another flaw is that there’s not really any point to the show, other than the Bradys have somehow managed to get their own variety show. The whole thing with Lee Majors and Farrah Fawcett is perfect example of this show’s approach to storytelling. Lee and Farrah show up at the house unannounced but it’s fine because the Bradys live in a world with zero conflict. Lee and Farrah show up. The kids are shocked. Alice is shocked. And …. well, that’s it! So much for that plotline.

Oh well. Only 7 episodes left!

Retro Television Review: The Brady Bunch Hour 1.1 “The Brady Bunch Variety Hour”

Posted on January 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The year was 1976 and cocaine was very popular.

Well, seriously, how else do you explain the existence of The Brady Bunch Hour? Produced by Sid and Marty Kroft, The Brady Bunch Hour imagined a world in which the Bradys got their own variety show. Now, this could have made sense if the show had been hosted by “the stars of the Brady Bunch” but instead, in this show, Mike Brady specifically abandoned his job as an architect so he and the family could move to Hollywood and star on a variety show.

Almost all of the Bradys returned to do the show. Eve Plumb balked at signing a five-year contract and, as a result, Geri Reischl was cast as Jan Brady. Barry Williams, who was starring on Broadway in Pippin, returned to play Greg “Music is My Life” Brady. Maureen “Marcia” McCormick was also excited to get a chance to dance and sing. Susan “Cindy” Olsen was excited over the prospect of appearing in skits. (She was told that the skits would be SNL-style skits.) Both Christopher “Peter” Knight and Mike “Bobby” Lookinland were aware of their own musical limitations. Knight eventually agreed to return when he was told that he wouldn’t have to do much dancing or singing. Lookinland tried to get out of appearing in the show by demanding a lot of money. To his surprise, the producers not only paid him what he asked for but his demands led to everyone else getting a bigger paycheck as well. Ann B. Davis had left acting to work for a church but she appeared on the show as a “guest star.” Florence Henderson, who had the most singing and dancing experience of anyone in the original cast, was not enthusiastic about The Brady Bunch Hour but she agreed to give it a shot for the fans and the kids.

Actually, the most enthusiastic member of the cast was Robert Reed. Reed, who rarely had a good word to say about his time on The Brady Bunch (though he did get along with the rest of the cast), was surprisingly enthusiastic about getting to dance and sing despite not being very good at either one of those things. Alone amongst the cast, he reportedly never lost his enthusiasm for the Brady Bunch Hour.

But enough background! Let’s take a look at this bizarre, only in the 70s type show!

Episode 1.1 “The Brady Bunch Variety Hour”

(Dir by Art Fisher, originally aired on November 28th, 1976)

We open with a line of dancers doing kicks in a front of a swimming pool. On the screen behind the dancers, the faces of the Brady Bunch are projected. We immediately notice that Jan is now played by Geri Reischl and she’s the only one of the kids who appears to be sincerely happy to be there. While the other members of the Bunch are obviously struggling to smile, Fake Jan can’t wait to get out on stage and perform. And she quickly gets that opportunity when the family comes out to perform Baby Face. While the Bunch sings an off-key rendition of the song, the dancers dive into the pool. The audience goes crazy as the announcer says, “Ladies and gentleman, the Brady Bunch!”

This performance only lasts for two minutes but it’s hard not to notice that all of the members of the Bunch appear to be totally exhausted by the time it’s over. Robert Reed especially looks like he’s on the verge of fainting.

With the performance over, the Bradys argue over who will be the first to speak. Carol reveals that the Bradys are each assigned a number, like at the DMV, and the Bradys are now serving “Number 27!” “Who has number 27!?” Mike demands. “Mike, check your number,” Carol says. Yes, you guessed it! Mike is 27 and he explains that he’s an architect but his family is forcing him to star on a variety show. “I didn’t want to do this,” Mike tells us. “We’re all very excited!” Carol shouts.

(Again. in real life, Robert Reed was the only member of the Bunch who wanted to do the show, despite the fact that he could neither dance or sing.)

Carol introduces the members of the Bunch. Greg says music is his life. The audience goes crazy for Marcia. Peter flirts with dancer. Jan complains, though the naturally cheerful Geri Reischl is a bit less convincing when it comes to playing bitter as Eve Plumb was. Bobby announces that he grew 2 and a half inches this year. Cindy announces she grew 3 inches. Carol explains that Mike is the first architect to have his own variety show. Maybe there’s a reason why architects are not typically given this opportunity.

Suddenly, everyone starts singing Baby Face again. Mike falls in the pool. The audience loves it.

After a commercial break, we find the Bradys (sans Mike) at the family’s new Hollywood home. The kids agree that Mike has to be dumped from the show because, as Greg puts it, “he’s not very good.” Carol tells them that Mike is their father and that he will always be a part of the act. Carol points out that Mike doesn’t enjoy wearing tights and that he’s only doing the show for his ungrateful children. Carol has a point. These kids suck.

The doorbell rings and Tony Randall, looking like he’s already realizes this is a mistake, steps into the living room. He says that he needs a script. Bobby calls him “Tony.” Randall replies, “You can call me Mr. Randall.” Bobby suggests that Tony Randall could be the family’s new father. Mike comes down the stairs, just in time to hear his family begging Tony Randall to become their new father. AWKWARD! Anyway, Tony refuses to steal Mike’s role. To me, it seems like the kid owe Mike an apology but he doesn’t get one. However, everyone does eventually agree that they love him. Then Bobby suggests Burt Reynolds could be their father.

We then cut to the Brady Bunch performing One from A Chorus Line. Mike takes center stage for this performance, wearing a glittery white suit and a hat. The viewer gets the feeling that this was all done to show that Robert Reed really could perform and dance but it has the opposite effect for both him and the entire family.

At the Brady Bunch home, Greg plays his guitar. Marcia comes in and wonders if Mike and Carol were ever young. This leads to a flashback to the 1950s, with young Mike and his gang (played by the Brady boys) hanging out at the roller rink and hitting on four girls, played by Carol and the Brady Daughters.

Now, you may think that things couldn’t possibly get worse than the Brady Bunch paying tribute to Grease. (Actually, Grease wouldn’t come out for another two years so I’m not really sure what the point of this skit was.) Well, it does get worse because Donnie and Marie Osmond roll up on a motorcycle and everyone sings Splish Splash. It’s not so much that the Bradys (with the exception of Fake Jan and Florence Henderson) can’t dance or sing. It’s that the audience applauds every little thing that they do, in much the same way that parents give out pity applause at a talent show at an elementary school.

Once the flashbacks ends, Greg welcomes the audience to the second half of the show. Peter pushes Greg into the pool. Greg grabs Peter and throws him in the pool. The audience loves it but, judging from the way their bodies hit the water, it’s obvious that neither Greg nor Peter were trained stuntmen and they were both risking injury for a joke that wasn’t really that funny. Oh well, no matter! It’s time for the show’s dancer to put on clown makeup and do an aquatic dance number.

Cut to the Brady Bunch’s Hollywood home, where Mike is playing Risk with the kids and bitching about how he “always lands on Yugoslavia.” You know, I felt bad for Mike when the kids were trying to replace him with Tony Randall but now I see that the kids had a point and that Mike is always whining about something.

Meanwhile, Marcia is talking on the landline about how much she loved The Boy In The Plastic Bubble. “Barbarino in a bubble!” Excuse me, Marcia …. his name is Travolta!

Continuing to play the game, Mike announces, “I just landed on East Germany and your mother already owns it!” “With three hotels,” Carol says. Uhmmm …. okay, are we playing Risk or Monopoly? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?

Peter, meanwhile, call his girlfriend and breaks their date because “My Dad is being held prisoner in East Germany.” It turns out that Peter is interested in another girl, which leads to Mike and Carol reprimanding him and teaching him an important lesson about honesty. This skit goes on forever. It’s almost bad enough to make me wish for another musical number….

Be careful what you wish for because this skit is followed by Cindy and Bobby introducing “our big brother,” and saying that they think he’s very talented. As if to specifically humiliate them, Greg comes out on stage and oversings Corner of the Sky. (Corner of the Sky comes from Pippin, a show that Greg left so that he could co-star on the Brady Bunch Hour.) Perhaps the most interesting thing about this sequence is that Bobby and Cindy both appear to have joined a cult.

This is followed by a skit in which a disgruntled Mike and Bobby show up on stage dressed as a rabbit and a chicken. They are soon joined by Greg, who is dressed as a bear, and Tony Randall, who is dressed as himself. Tony announces that he’s going to sing a song about animals but he doesn’t want any of the Bradys to be involved. (Considering that he was the show’s “special guest star,” it’s interesting that Tony Randall only appears twice on the show and, both times, he makes it clear that he holds the Brady Bunch in complete and utter disdain.)

After Tony does his song, Alice the Maid (Anne B. Davis) appears and says that she watched the Bradys grow up. This leads to a montage of old Brady Bunch clips and Florence Henderson singing The Way We Were and, believe it or not, it actually works. For once thing, Florence Henderson could actually sing and The Way We Were is exactly the right song for her performance style. I mean, make no mistake. It’s silly and schmaltzy but it’s also kind of touching.

Finally, it’s time for the big finale! The Bradys are on stage, dressed in white, but they can’t decide what medley they want to perform. Greg wants to do music from “that Rocky Horror show!” “This is a family show!” Mike yells. Carol suggests something from The Sound of Music. The kids don’t want to do old stuff. “We’re young and we want to do young music,” Marcia says. Alice runs on to the stage and tells them to just sing something.

Greg takes her words to heart and performs Attitude Dancing, while wearing an outfit that makes it look like he’s about to jump a motorcycle over a line of school buses.

Mike and Carol sing Cheek to Cheek and then the kids sing Dance With Me. Carol responds by singing I Could Have Danced All Night, which is another good song for her. Unfortunately, the kids start to sing Do The Hustle and eventually segue into Shake Your Booty. All the Bradys dance, including an embarrassed-looking Alice. Fake Jan gets a solo and proves that, unlike the other Brady kids, she actually has a pretty good voice.

In the final comments, Carol thanks the audience. “Without you, there would be Brady Bunch,” she says. “I think I had something to do with it,” Mike says, which …. I mean, I know it’s awkward to point this out but Mike can really only take credit for half of the kids. So, really, Mike didn’t have much to do with it beyond the fact that he quickly moved on from his first wife’s death. (Or is Mike the one who got divorced? I can never keep track of who was divorced and who was widowed.)

Anyway, on that cheery note, the show ends.

Wow, that was exhausting. My main impression of the pilot of The Brady Bunch Hour is that it wasn’t good but it was impossible to look away. It was fun to watch but I can already tell that the show’s corny humor and badly-choreographed musical numbers are going to get tiresome pretty quickly. Fortunately, this thing only ran for 9 episodes so this is only going to cost me nine weeks of my life. Yay!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.4 “Best Seller/The Tomb”

Posted on January 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Fantasy Island has a desert? Read on to find out more.

Episode 2.4 “Best Seller/The Tomb”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on October 14th, 1978)

Fantasy Island can be a strange place.

Just consider the fantasy of Neville Marlowe (Barry Sullivan). Marlowe is an archeologist who has devoted his life to seeking the tomb of a lost Egyptian pharaoh who is believed to have been King Tut’s twin brother. His fantasy is to finally find the tomb and to explore it with his wife (Shelley Fabares) and his associate (David Opatoshu). He wants to do this even though the tomb, if it does exist, is said to be cursed.

Mr. Roarke informs Marlowe that he’s in luck. There’s an archeological dig currently taking place on the island and there’s a good chance that it might finally lead to the discovery of the tomb….

Now, this brings up some interesting issues. First off, the dig is taking place in the desert. Since when has Fantasy Island, a tropical paradise, had a desert? Secondly, even if you accept that idea that Fantasy Island is home to a large desert, why exactly would it also be home to the tomb of an Egyptian pharaoh? Though the show always kept it a bit vague as to just where exactly the island was located, it’s always been suggested that it’s near Hawaii. The actual natives of the island (as opposed to Mr. Roarke and Tattoo) all appear to be Polynesian. When the guests get off the plane at the start of each episode, they’re given a lei and a tropical drink. My point is that there’s never been anything about the show that would suggest that Fantasy Island is anywhere near Egypt. Certainly, it’s possible that an Egyptian ship may have landed at Fantasy Island at some point in the past, just as it’s possible that ancient Egyptians also landed in South America. But still, there’s no reason why a pharaoh would be buried on Fantasy Island as opposed to along the banks of the Nile.

It makes no sense but, for whatever reason, the tomb is indeed on Fantasy Island. Entering the tomb leads to Marlowe’s wife having several nightmares about being wrapped up like a mummy. It’s nicely creepy but it doesn’t lead to anything. Because Marlowe decides to send the artifacts to Egypt as opposed to sending them to a British museum. he is spared the curse.

Meanwhile, Barney Hunter (Desi Arnaz, Jr.) is a bookstore clerk who suffers from crippling shyness. His fantasy is to be a best selling author so Mr. Roarke informs him that he is now the author of the world’s most popular book about sex and, as a result, hundreds of his fans are coming to the island to meet him. The problem with that, of course, is that Barney is a virgin. So, you have to wonder why Mr. Roarke would make Barney the world’s leading expert on sex when he doesn’t know anything about it. My guess is that Mr. Roarke thought it would be funny but it’s actually kind of mean-spirited. Anyway, Barney meets Angela (Maureen McCormick), who is also a virgin. They fall in love but Angela’s mother (Gloria DeHaven) refuses to allow Angela to see a man who has written a “filthy book.” Again, it’s hard not to feel that Roarke is having a little fun at Barney’s expense. Fortunately, things work out in the end and that’s good. Arnaz and McCormick were a cute couple.

Finally, Tattoo entered a jingle contest and won! Unfortunately, it turned out that first prize was a trip to Fantasy Island. Mr. Roarke had a good laugh about that one and I have to admit that I did too. Fantasy Island just has a way of sweeping you up in all of its silliness.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.17 “Winner Take Love / The Congressman Was Indiscreet / Isaac’s History Lesson”

Posted on December 21, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, things get awkward as we set sail on The Love Boat!

Episode 1.17 “Winner Take Love / The Congressman Was Indiscreet / Isaac’s History Lesson”

(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on January 28th, 1978)

It’s the most awkward cruise ever!

A beauty contest is being held on the ship! The winner becomes Ms. Pacific Princess and, along with getting a lot of money, she also sacrifices a year of her life so that she can go on free cruises and promote the Pacific Princess line. Along with being beautiful, the winner is also expected to be “virtuous.” Of course, judging from The Love Boat, the cruise line seems to specifically cater to people who are desperately looking to get laid so the rules seem to be a bit hypocritical.

The head of the contest, Waldo Linden (Graham Jarvis), recruits Captain Stubing to act as host. Unfortunately, after Stubing gets a few laughs from the jokes that Waldo has written for him, the Captain turns into a prima donna. He starts punching up the script on his own. Waldo, however, has even more to worry about than the captain. Suzy (Maureen McCormick), one of the contestants, is secretly traveling with her boyfriend, Rick (Bobby Sherman). When Waldo tries to disqualify Suzy for not being “virtuous,” another contestant, the klutzy Jeanette (Priscilla Barnes), asks that Waldo help her zip up her dress and, after Waldo kisses her, she points out that Waldo hasn’t been living up to his own standards. Due to Jeanette’s blackmail, Suzy is allowed to compete and she wins! But then she refuses the crown so that she can marry Rick and, as a result, Jeanette becomes Miss Pacific Princess.

While that’s going on, scandal-plagued Congressman John Whitcomb (Dick Van Patten) falls in love with Robin Brandt (Vickie Lawrence). What the Congressman doesn’t know is that Robin works for a tabloid newspaper and Robin’s editor expects Robin to report on whether or not allegations of an affair are going to led to Whitcomb resigning his seat.

All of that is certainly awkward but it’s nothing compared to the third storyline. Almost everyone loves passenger Virgil Gibson (played by the engaging Scatman Crothers), who is always the life of the party and who loves to make people laugh. The only person who doesn’t like him is Prof. Stephanie Hayden (Vernee Watson), who is on the cruise to work on a study about African-American history. Hayden feels the Virgil is acting like a fool and playing into all of the demeaning stereotypes that white people have about black people. Hayden encourages Isaac to learn more about his background and soon, Isaac is being rude to Virgil and telling him not to call people “boss.”

Captain Stubing notices this. He approaches Isaac — while Isaac is working — and says, “I notice you’ve been reading a lot of black history.”

AGCK! As soon as the very white Captain Stubing says those words to Isaac, the cringing begins.

Stubing goes on to explain that Virgil was a pitcher in the Negro Baseball Leagues and that, if not for him, blacks would never have made it into the major leagues. “And I wouldn’t be serving drinks on this cruise,” a remorseful Isaac says. “And I wouldn’t be teaching,” Stephanie agrees. Stubing goes on to explain that Virgil is acting the way he acts because that’s the way blacks were expected to behave when Virgil was a young man. After being chastised by the ship’s white authority figure, Isaac and Stephanie agree that they were wrong to judge Virgil.

And, in many ways, Captain Stubing does have a point about judging people and Isaac and Stephanie were being a bit harsh in their dismissal of Virgil. But that doesn’t change the fact that this episode features the extremely white Captain Stubing explaining black history to not only the ship’s only black employee but also a black college professor who has spent her entire academic career researching and writing about black history. Stubing is essentially telling two black people how they should interpret and feel about black history. It’s incredibly weird to watch and one has to wonder why the writers thought that Stubing — as opposed to Virgil himself — was the correct character to explain Virgil’s past and Virgil’s character. It just doesn’t feel right, at all.

That said, there was a lot to like about this episode. Scatman Crothers shows the same charm here that he showed in The Shining. As cringey as Captain Stubing is when he lectures on black history, the plotline of him turning into a diva was actually pretty funny and Gavin MacLeod seemed to be having fun playing up the pompous side of the character. The beauty pageant subplot was dumb but Maureen McCormick actually gave a pretty good performance as Suzy. This episode had its moments though, in the end, it will always be defined by the awkwardness.

Retro Television Reviews: A Very Brady Christmas (dir by Peter Baldwin)

Posted on December 18, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1988’s A Very Brady Christmas!

In A Very Brady Christmas, America’s creepiest family reunites for the holidays.

Mike and Carol Brady (played by Robert Reed and Florence Henderson, of course) have finally got their house to themselves! The children have all moved out. A few have even gotten married and started families of their own. Mike is still an architect, though he now has a mustache that, along with his gray hair, makes him look more like a retired porn actor.

With Christmas approaching, Mike and Carol have each been secretly saving up their money to give the other a trip. Carol knows that Mike loves Greece. Mike suspects that Carol would love to go to Japan. In the end, though, they realize that they would much rather have the entire family come together for Christmas! They buy tickets for everyone. Of course, what they don’t know is that each of the Brady kids has an issue of their own.

For instance, consider the youngest of the Brady kids. Cindy isn’t even herself anymore, mostly because Susan Olsen declined to return for the reunion and Jennifer Runyon was cast in her place. Cindy is away at college and she’s upset that she has to cancel her plans to go skiing just so she can spend the holidays with her family. Meanwhile, Bobby (Mike Lookinland) has dropped out of college so that he can race cars on the NASCAR circuit but he hasn’t told his parents yet! Of course, if Bobby never tells them, he can just keep pocketing that sweet, sweet tuition money.

Meanwhile, Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) is upset because his girlfriend is his boss and she makes considerably more money than he does. Jan (Eve Plumb) is secretly separated from her husband but, because it’s the holidays, they agree to pretend to still be together so that Mike and Carol don’t get upset. Greg (Barry Williams) has grown up to be a smarmy doctor but he is upset that his wife will not be joining him for Christmas with his parents. And Marcia (Maureen McCormick) is trying to keep everyone from discovering that her loser husband has lost his job.

And let’s not forget Alice (Anne B. Davis)! Alice finally married Sam The Butcher but their marriage is on the rocks….

Could the Bradys be more cursed?

Luckily, Mike and Carol are pretty good at uncovering problems and fixing things. (Except, of course, for that time that Mike never figured out that Marcia was acting strange because she wanted to surprise him with his father of the year prize….) Unfortunately, Mike is a bit distracted because his latest building was constructed with cheap material. When an earthquake causes the building collapse, Mike takes it upon himself to rescue two trapped workers. (Most of this takes place off-screen, of course.) When an aftershock hits, it seems like Mike might never emerge from the tomb that he helped to design.

Much like the show that inspired it, A Very Brady Christmas is painfully earnest and …. well, it’s a little dumb. Of course, the main appeal of The Brady Bunch was always the unapologetic mix of earnestness and stupidity but it’s a bit different when all the Brady kids are grown up and they’re still acting just as dumb as they did when they were younger. Robert Reed looks annoyed. Florence Henderson is trouper and gives it her all. With the notable exception of Maureen McCormick, none of the kids grew up to be particularly good actors. (In all fairness, Barry Williams is likable when he makes fun of himself but, in this film, he’s somewhat stiff as the most successful of the Brady kids.) That said, the family singing a Christmas carol while waiting to discover whether or not Mike is dead is one of those moments that is somehow both silly and effective at the same time. It’s pure Brady Bunch. To quote Tony Montana, it’s the yayo of nostalgia.

A Very Brady Christmas aired in 1988 and was enough of a rating success that it actually led to the Brady Bunch being (briefly) revived. Today, it’s impossible to watch the movie without imagining Gary Cole and Shelley Long as Mike and Carol Brady. Even the collapse of the building is no longer an effective dramatic moment due to it being referenced in The Brady Bunch Movie. When Mike does emerge from that collapsed building, you half expect him to say, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

In the end, the Bradys have a merry Christmas. I hope you have one too!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 1.6 “Treasure Hunt/Beauty Contest”

Posted on October 18, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone! Smiles! My fantasy is to get this week’s review over with because, to be honest, this was one of the less interesting episodes of the original Fantasy Island. So, let’s get to it!

Episode 1.6 “Treasure Hunt/Beauty Contest”

(Directed by Allen Baron and George McCowan, originally aired on March 11th, 1978)

For this week’s episode of Fantasy Island, we have two so-so fantasies and a lot of scenes of Mr. Roarke and Tattoo arguing with each other. After having an almost brotherly relationship over the past few weeks, Roarke and Tattoo both seem kind of annoyed with each other during this episode. If I had to guess, I’d say that the episodes are probably being shown out of production order and this episode was written and filmed before the show’s producers were sure what the overall tone of the show should be.

Indeed, the first fantasy features Mr. Roarke allowing three people to search for a lost pirate’s treasure on an isolated part of the island. He does this despite the fact that the terrain is dangerous and that he knows that one of the three treasure hunters is planning on killing the other two. When Tattoo points out that a murder would be bad for business, Roarke kind of shrugs Tattoo off. Indeed, in this storyline, Roarke comes across as being rather aloof, as if he has little concern for the troubles of humanity.

As for the three treasure hunters, they are Stu Chambers (Michael Callan), his wife Andrea (Jo Ann Harris), and their friend James (Peter Haskell). Stu is under the impression that James and Andrea are carrying on an affair and, as Mr. Roarke mentioned, he is planning on killing the two of them. Fortunately, he changes his mind during the fantasy and, instead of murdering his wife and his best friend, he instead helps them survive when they get trapped in a cave. In the end, they don’t get the treasure but they do win back their ability to trust each other. One has to wonder what the consequences would have been if Stu had gone through with his original plans. Is there a Fantasy Island police force? Would Tattoo be forced to arrest Stu? Who knows?

Meanwhile, in the other fantasy, Maureen McCormick plays Sally Quinn. Sally is the daughter of a legendary beauty pageant winner. She wants to follow in her mother’s footsteps and win a pageant herself. However, Roarke — who seems far more invested in Sally’s fantasy than the treasure hunt fantasy — figures out that Sally’s real fantasy is to win the love of her father, Neville (Gene Barry). In the end, Sally doesn’t win the pageant but she does learn that there’s more to happiness than being beautiful.

To be honest, both of the fantasies in this episode are pretty dull and predictable. But we do learn a little bit about what Tattoo actually does on the island. He’s the accountant. He starts the show complaining that Mr. Roarke doesn’t charge enough for the fantasies. Tattoo then says he has a fantasy. Mr. Roarke laughs him off, saying that candy shop employees never develop a taste for candy. WHAT!?

We also learn that Roarke and Tattoo enjoy playing Monopoly but Tattoo apparently cheats by using loaded dice. And, to be honest, the thought of Roarke and Tattoo arguing over Boardwalk is such an appealing one that it saves the entire episode.

As for next week’s episode …. hopefully, it’ll involve even more Monopoly!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.6 “The Joker Is Mild / Take My Granddaughter, Please / First Time Out”

Posted on October 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Come aboard, we’re expecting you….

The Love Boat 1.5 “The Joker Is Mild / Take My Granddaughter, Please / First Time Out”

(Dir by Richard Kinon and Alan Rafkin, originally aired on October 29th, 1977)

This week’s cruise is all about remaining true to yourself!

For instance, Julie makes what appears to be a big mistake when she agrees to let a washed-up comic named Barry Keys (Phil Foster) do a show in the ship’s lounge. Throughout the cruise, Barry gets on everyone’s nerves with his old-fashioned jokes and his vaudeville stylings. Captain Stubing gives Julie an annoyed look whenever Barry starts to speak. Julie knows that her career is on the line but she made a promise. And Barry, it turns out, know what he’s doing. When it comes time for his performance, he asks for a stool so that he can sit in the middle of the stage and talk about the generation gap. (“Let’s rap, as the kids say,” Barry says.) Hooray! Barry has revived his career and Julie still has a job.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Warner (Ruth Gordon) is determined to find a husband for her granddaughter, Shirley (Patty Duke, who spends the entire episode looking as if she’s wondering how she could go from winning an Oscar to this). Shirley would like to hook up with the pleasantly bland Dave King (played by Tab Hunter). Mrs. Warner wants her to go out with Dr. Bricker! In the end, Shirley stands up for herself, as any single 30 year-old should. (To be honest, I thought Patty Duke’s character was closer to 40 but that’s mostly the fault of whoever in the costume department decided to make her wear some of the least flattering outfits available.) It’s all for the best. Dave is a nice guy and Doc has an exam room full of pornographic magazines to take care of.

Finally, a group of college students board the ship with one mission in mind. They want their friend Dan (Robert Hegyes, who has a truly impressive head of hair) to lose his virginity. Dan, it turns out, is not only shy but he also has no idea how to talk to women. Fortunately, her runs into Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick) and it turns out that Marica likes shy, socially awkward guys with a lot of hair. Okay, technically Maureen is playing Barbara Holmes but seriously, we all know that Barbara was actually Marcia.

This was a majorly uneven episode. Barry’s revised act didn’t seem any funnier than his old stuff and it was kind of hard to sympathize with Shirley and her inability to make her own decisions. That said, Maureen McCormick and Robert Hegyes made for a cute couple and their storyline was the most satisfying of the episode. Personally, I think this episode would have worked better if Ruth Gordon had played Maureen McCormick’s grandmother as opposed to Patty Duke’s. McCormick was young enough that it would have been a bit less pathetic for her to be bossed around by her grandmother and one can imagine how Ruth Gordon would have reacted to McCormick picking hairy Dan over a doctor.

Oh well! The important thing is that everything worked out in the end and love won’t hurt anymore.