Melissa Joan Hart — Sabrina! — plays the events coordinator at a ski lodge in this 2019 Christmas movie. It’s the holiday season and the everyone wants to go skiing …. including her ex-boyfriend!
I like this film. It has nice scenery, it has holiday cheer, it has Ted McGinley, and it has Melissa Joan Hart. It has all the necessary ingredients for a fun Lifetime holiday film.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. The show is once again on Tubi!
“Smiles, everyone, smiles!”
Episode 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”
(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 3rd, 1984)
Eh. I didn’t like this episode. Sorry, Mr. Roarke, no smiles today.
Robert Smith (Engelbert Humperdinck) wants to be a singing star but he suffers from stage fright. He’s created a smarmy alter ego who doesn’t have stage fright but he wants to be able to perform on his own, without having to retreat into a fantasy world. His alter ego responds by coming to life and sleeping with Robert’s wife (Elaine Joyce). Personally, if I was the writer of this episode, I would have just ended the story right there but it turns out that Robert’s alter ego only exists in his mind. His wife walks in on Robert yelling at himself and is overjoyed to discover that Robert has finally found the confidence to perform on stage.
Just typing all of that made my head hurt.
Meanwhile, Amy Marshall (Markie Post) is married to Christopher (Larry Wilcox) but their marriage is troubles because Amy has never told Christopher that she was raped just a few days before the wedding. She never reported the rape to the police and she’s never dealt with the trauma that she still carries with her. This is a very sensitive subject so, of course, Fantasy Island screws it up by suggesting that Amy is somehow to blame for all of the trouble in the marriage because she didn’t tell Christopher about what happened. Amy worries that Christopher will leave her if he finds out. Christopher does find out and he gets mad at her for not telling him and threatens to leave, not only proving Amy’s point but also suggesting, to me, that their marriage isn’t really worth saving. Amy deserves someone better than a guy whose response to hearing that his wife got raped is to get mad at her. Then Amy’s rapist (Michael Callan) shows up on the island and attacks her again. Amy fights back and is on the verge of stabbing the bastard to death when Mr. Roarke shows up and removes the knife from her hand and instead has the Fantasy Island police take the guy away. Christopher and Amy leave the Island, their marriage stronger than ever.
Meanwhile, I had to stop myself from throwing something at the television. First off, the story suggests that somehow Amy is to blame for not telling Christopher about what happened but Christopher’s reaction showed exactly why she didn’t tell him and it also showed that Amy’s best option would have been to get a divorce. Then the show suggests that the best way to give Amy her fantasy of finding freedom from her trauma was to have the rapist nearly rape her again! Mr. Roarke, at one point, states that Amy’s safety is his number one concern and that he has his entire police force looking for the rapist. But Roarke has already been established as having God-like powers so if Roarke wanted to find the guy before he attacked Amy, he certainly could have.
As well, what is the deal with all of these criminals and assorted lowlifes making it to the Island in the first place? Mr. Roarke often brags about running a background check on everyone who comes to the Island, which again suggests that no one comes to Fantasy Island unless Roarke wants them there. So, why are there so many terrible people on the Island?
This episode …. ugh.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
It’s time set sail for adventure!
Episode 5.28 “A Dress To Remember”
(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on May 8th, 1982)
This week’s episode features three stories and one dress.
The dress, a lovely blue gown, is brought on board by diet doctor Dr. Alfred Farney (Kelly Monteith), who claims that his “muskmullet” diet will lead to Donna Baker (Markie Post) losing 10 pound by the end of the cruise. The proof will be that Donna will be able to fit into the dress. Alfred’s former partner-turned-rival Dr. Tucker Martin (Lyle Waggoner) is also on the ship and his plan is to tempt Donna into eating so much that she’ll instead gain 11 pounds and the dress will rip. Boooo! Shame on both of those doctors! Seriously, Donna looks miserable for the entire cruise. That said, despite the efforts of Dr. Martin, Donna still loses the weight …. in fact, she loses even more than 10 pounds. She loses 11! Doctors Farney and Martin agree to partner up again and Donna, who looks like she’s about to faint, suggests that they celebrate over pizza. The doctors make some money and Donna gets an eating disorder but at least the dress looks good.
That dress goes through a lot over the course of one episode. For some reason, Gopher and Isaac have been tasked with keeping it safe. Why would you trust those two with something important? Actually, Isaac is usually pretty smart and Gopher’s actually been behaving a bit more like a professional than usual this season so I guess they were just having an off-cruise.
Norman Lomax (Bob Denver) wears the dress (and a wig) to keep his ex-father-in-law, Tom (Forrest Tucker), from recognizing him. Tom must be an idiot because Bob Denver in a wig and dress still looks and sounds like Bob Denver. Norman’s ex-wife, Nancy (Brianne Leary), is also on the cruise. Norman tries to win her back.
Finally, Tom falls for Rosie Strickland (Eleanor Parker), who makes her living selling flowers to people boarding the cruise. When Rosie’s daughter (Catherine Parkes,) shows up, Rosie doesn’t want her to know that Rosie isn’t rich. So, the Captain gives her the dress to wear and helps Rosie pretend to be a rich woman. Fortunately, it turns out that Rosie’s daughter loves her regardless of whether or not she’s rich. And so does Tom!
Myself, I’m a little bit concerned by the fact that the Captain just gave away a piece of clothing that belonged to one of the passengers. That doesn’t really seem very professional and it kind of goes against everything that we know about Captain Stubing. He’s a good man but he’s not exactly a rule-breaker. That said, everything works out in the end. Stubing even gets to perform a triple wedding.
The third story, I actually liked it. It’s heart was in the right place, even if it was basically just a remake of Lady For a Day. Eleanor Parker actually gave a really good performance, finding some much needed reality in Rosie’s character. The other two stories were pretty forgettable (or, in Bob Denver’s case, annoying) but Eleanor Parker’s story made up for both of them, making this a very nice and ultimately rather touching cruise.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.
This week, we’re traveling in time!
Episode 6.16 “Return to the Cotton Club/No Friends Like Old Friends”
(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on February 26th, 1983)
Aspiring singer Charlie Whelan (Lou Rawls) wants to go back to a time where all that mattered was talent. As he tells Roarke and Tattoo, it’s all about image and connections now. Charlie wants to go back to the Cotton Club, the famous New York club where blacks were allowed to perform on stage while gangsters sat in the audience. Roarke sends Charlie back in time and soon, Charlie is at the Cotton Club. He meets Dutch Schultz (J.D. Cannon). He befriends the club’s manager, Gus Kelly (Yaphet Kotto). He falls for another singer, Linda (Berlinda Tolbert).
The first thing I noticed about this fantasy is that The Cotton Club looked really cheap. It looked like an old VIP lounge in an airport. It was kind of tacky. The other thing I noticed is that the fantasy wasn’t historically accurate. The Cotton Club was not owned by Dutch Schultz. In fact, Schultz had little to do with The Cotton Club. The gangster who owned the Cotton Club was Owney Madden, an Irish gangster who eventually left New York City for Hot Springs, Arkansas. In the show’s defense, the man who Charlie knew as Dutch Schultz was eventually revealed to be another guest who was having a fantasy of his own. I’ve always had mixed feelings about Roarke’s habit of combining fantasies. I feel like a guest should only have to pay half-price if their fantasy is going to mixed up with somebody else’s.
As for this fantasy, it was okay. Lou Rawls certainly gave a better performance here than he ever did on Baywatch Nights. And Yaphet Kotto was a charming as ever, even if his role was, again, not historically accurate. (The Cotton Club may have hired black performers but otherwise, it was heavily segregated.) I like almost anything involving 1930s gangsters. I can’t help it. They had style.
As for the other fantasy, Doreen Murphy (Markie Post) wants to have a reunion with her friends from college. Doreen asks Roarke to make her rich and beautiful so that she can shame all of the people who never believed in her. Roarke gives her a magic necklace that changes her from being a brunette to being a blonde. That’s all it takes! One of Doreen’s friends is Liz (Cybill Shepherd). Liz is married to the unfaithful Al (Lyle Waggoner), who takes an interest in Doreen. Doreen learns a lesson about true beauty being more than just an appearance. She also learns that people don’t dislike her as much as they dislike her bitter attitude. Doreen gives the necklace to Liz so that Liz can get her cheating husband back. Good, I guess.
This was an uneven trip to the Island. Neither story was particularly compelling. The Cotton Club fantasy at least had Yaphet Kotto. Otherwise, this was a forgettable trip. The writers really didn’t even seem to be trying to come up with anything unexpected or surprising. At least the Island continues to look lovely.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!
This week, Ponch’s mom comes to visit! Will she get on a motorcycle? Uhmm …. no. She doesn’t. It probably would have been cool if she had. She could have helped chase down this week’s set of bad guys. This seems like a missed opportunity. It’s still a good episode, though.
Episode 2.18 “Rally ‘Round The Bank”
(Dir by Barry Crane, originally aired February 3rd, 1979)
Ponch is nervous because his mom, who is deathly afraid of flying, has boarded an airplane and flown from Chicago to Los Angeles to visit him. (In this episode, we discover that Ponch’s family apparently got rich and moved to Chicago sometime between the end of the first and the start of the second season.) Why is Ponch’s mother visiting? Ponch isn’t sure. He spends a lot of time worrying but, in the end, it turns out that his mother (well-played by Anna Navarro, no relation to that annoying woman on The View) came to town because Baker and Getraer called to tell her that Ponch would be receiving a special safety citation from Getraer.
Awwwww!
Apparently, Ponch has gone a whole year without crashing his motorcycle. I’m pretty sure I saw Ponch crash his motorcycle just a few episodes ago but whatever. The important thing is that this is actually a good Ponch episode. For once, Erik Estrada’s tendency to overact is not a distraction and his relationship with his mom is actually really sweet. When I watched this episode, my first thought was that Navarro looked way too young to be Estrada’s mother. If anything, she actually looked like she might be a few years younger than him. Then I checked with imdb and discovered that Navarro actually was sixteen years older than Estrada.
(I will admit that Anna Navarro — again, the actress and not that annoying woman who hosted a day of the Democratic National Convention — reminded me a lot of my own mom, which is maybe one reason why I liked this episode more than I thought I would.)
Ponch and Baker also find time to chase after two bank robbers, played by Frank Ashmore and Ron Hajak. Because the robbers are a part of a nation-wide rally race that is passing through Los Angeles, Ponch and Baker get to know some of the other racers. Two women invite Ponch and Baker to a square dance. Baker has to decline so Ponch brings Getraer instead. Getraer turns out to be a surprisingly good dancer. Ponch’s mom comes to the square dance as well and, for a few minutes, I thought maybe she and Getraer were going to announce to the world that they were in love. That would have been a great CHiPs moment but it didn’t happen. That’s another missed opportunity.
Missed opportunities aside, this was a good episode. It was fun and it was sweet and it made me smile.
(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 193 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only have a month to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded Four Christmases and a Wedding off of Lifetime on December 2nd!)
It’s all pretty much right there in the title.
Four Christmases and A Wedding was one of the handful of original Christmas films to premiere on Lifetime this holiday season. As you can guess from looking at the title, it takes place over the course of four Christmases and it also involves a wedding. Can you guess who ends up getting married and when? If you’ve ever seen a Lifetime or Hallmark holiday film, you can.
It’s actually a sweet film, even if it is rather predictable. But, as I’ve said before, predictability is one reason why people love movies like this. There’s something very reassuring about knowing exactly what is going to happen in a movie like this before you watch it. Many of us spend an entire year hoping for a pleasant holiday. If you’re not lucky enough to get one in real life, you can always get one in the movies.
Or, in this case, you can get four.
Chloe (Arielle Kebbel) is an event planner who is lucky in Christmas but unlucky in love. When a small town hires her to plan their Christmas festival, Chloe is overjoyed. As she tells her mom (Markie Post), she’s given up on ever finding love. At least she can find professional success! But then, at the first festival, she meets Evan (Corey Sevier) and it’s love at first sight! There’s only one problem. Evan is about to go overseas.
The years pass. Evan returns each Christmas. Sometimes, he has a girlfriend. Sometimes, Chloe has a boyfriend. Every time, there is something to keep Chloe and Evan apart. Everyone knows that Chloe and Evan are meant to be together, especially Chloe’s mom. Will Evan and Chloe ever get together or will the wedding be for someone else?
Four Christmases and a Wedding is a sweet movie. There’s nothing surprising about it but Arielle Kebbel and Corey Sevier make for a cute couple, even when they’re not together. The idea of spreading the film out over several years is an interesting one and director Marta Grabiak does a good job of subtly suggesting the passage of time. This is a predictable movie but it’s a lot of fun and I look forward to watching it next Christmas as well.
Through the Shattered Lens 