Cleaning Out The DVR: Off The Rails (dir by David Jackson)

Posted on November 11, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi there! So, as you may know because I’ve been talking about it on this site all year, I have got way too much stuff on my DVR. Seriously, I currently have 205 things recorded! I’ve decided that, on January 15th, I am going to erase everything on the DVR, regardless of whether I’ve watched it or not. So, that means that I’ve now have only two months to clean out the DVR! Will I make it? Keep checking this site to find out! I recorded Off The Rails off of the Lifetime Movie Network on March 26th!)

Oh, poor Nicole (Hannah Barefoot)!

When we first meet her, Nicole is recovering from amnesia. She knows that she was injured in a catastrophic train derailment. She knows that she’s married to Mark (Thomas Beaudoin), who seems like the perfect husband. She knows that her therapist is Dr. Teres (Andrea Cirie). She knows that she’s oddly obsessed with maps and that she teaches at the local college. However, she is still not totally sure what her life was like before the accident. And sometimes, she wonders if she can actually trust Mark. For instance, she suspects that, while she was in her coma, Mark added onto the deck in the back yard. Mark swears that it was her idea but why would she want to do that?

Nicole is also convinced that she has never had a Facebook account. She swears that she’s never been on Twitter. She doesn’t even know what Instagram is! “You call me a Luddite!” she says to one of her friends, “I do remember that!” But, if that’s true, why do all of her friends swear that they’ve talked to her on Facebook? And why are all sorts of sleazy men approaching her, all claiming that they met her online?

That’s not all Nicole has to worry about. There’s also the weird visions that she’s having, many of them involving being watched by a menacing-looking raven. And then there’s the French Canadian photographer (Andreas Damm). Nicole is not sure who he is but she sure did take a lot of happy pictures with him. Could it be that she wasn’t as happy in her marriage as both Mark and her therapist insist?

There were some parts of Off The Rails that I really liked. The story was, at times, genuinely intriguing and I always appreciate it whenever Lifetime films mix a little surrealism in with the melodrama. The first part of the film does a very good of creating a properly ominous atmosphere and Hannah Barefoot does a good job portraying Nicole’s confusion and paranoia. Obviously, it demanded a considerable suspension of disbelief to buy into the idea that Nicole could possibly be so ignorant of social media in 2017 but then again, that’s Lifetime for you. Social media is always the source of all evil in the world of Lifetime.

Unfortunately, there’s a twist at the end of Off The Rails that simply does not work and it actually cheapens the film a bit. I understand that it’s a Lifetime film and that, therefore, things can never end on too dark of a note but, in this case, the movie’s story demanded and deserved an ending that was just a bit more bittersweet.

Still, I’d recommend Off the Rails. Up until that final shot, it’s a nicely done Lifetime mystery. You’ll probably figure out the solution early but it’s still entertainingly melodramatic and just weird enough to be worthwhile.

Cleaning Out The DVR: One Small Indiscretion (dir by Lauro Chartrand)

Posted on October 25, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is not just watching horror movies! She is also trying to clean out her DVR! She has got over 200 movies that she needs to watch before January 1st! Will she make it? Keep checking here to find out! She recorded One Small Indiscretion off of Lifetime Movie Network on September 2nd!)

I learned a few things from watching One Small Indiscretion.

First off, and most importantly, I learned that there is no such thing as a “small” indiscretion. In this film, Caroline (Ashley Winters) has a brief affair while separated from her husband, Sam (Cru Ennis). When Caroline and Sam get back together, she tries to forget that the whole thing even happened. Six years later, Caroline tells her best friend that she isn’t even sure what eventually became of her former lover. However, we know that he ended up killing both himself and his alcoholic wife. For Caroline, it was a small indiscretion but, for a little girl named Elle, it was a tragedy that took away her parents.

Secondly, if you work hard and marry well, you can eventually live in a really big house that has a pool, a jacuzzi, and a guest house. However, if you work too hard, all of the romance will go out of your marriage and soon, you won’t even be using the pool after a couple of years.

Third, if you own a guest house, you are required by the laws of plot contrivance to rent it out.

Fourth, if you do rent out your guest house, there’s a good chance that it will lead to someone from the past tracking you down. In this case, it’s Elle (Tiera Skovbye). Elle is now 21 years old and eager to avenge the death of her parents but destroying Caroline’s life. Though she may be young, Elle is already an evil genius.

Actually, I guess it’s debatable as to whether or not Elle is that smart. It’s entirely possible that Elle only seems smart because everyone else in the movie is incredibly stupid. From the minute Elle moves into that guest house, she’s manipulating and seducing. She’s taking naked midnight swims. She’s encouraging Caroline and Sam’s son, Logan (Johnny Visotcky), to skip college. She doesn’t make much of an effort to hide what she’s trying to do and yet, Caroline soon decides that Elle is going to be her new BFF. It’s actually kind of hard not to be on Elle’s side. Elle’s methods may be extreme and she does get more and more psycho as the movie unfolds but Caroline and Sam are so bourgeois that it’s difficult to have much sympathy for them. Add to that, Elle’s an artist. She draws. If you side with the non-artists over the the artist, that means you’re doing life wrong.

But back to what I learned from One Small Indiscretion:

Fifth, it’s not that difficult to bug a house.

Sixth, search engines are like magic.

Seventh, it’s easy to knock people out.

Eighth, Canada is a beautiful country.

Anyway, One Small Indiscretion is a thoroughly predictable Lifetime film. The best role in these films is always the psycho and Tiera Skovbye plays Elle as if even she can’t believe how stupid everyone else in the film is. Elle is having so much fun being evil that you can’t help but be happy that she received the opportunity. She may be the villain but you’ll totally be Team Elle when you watch One Small Indiscretion.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Give Me My Baby (dir by Danny J. Boyle)

Posted on October 5, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is not only watching horror films this month! She is also busy trying to clean out her DVR. She has got over 170 movies recorded and waiting to be watched. Can she view all of them by January 1st? Keep checking here to find out! Lisa recorded Give Me My Baby off of the Lifetime Movie Network on May 13th!)

“Layla, are you okay? Where is Dad going?”

“To Hell.”

That right there is the type of melodramatic and over the top dialogue that runs through every minute of Give Me My Baby, which is quite possibly one of the funniest films that I’ve ever seen on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Give Me My Baby tells the story of Layla (Kelly Sullivan), who spends her days creating new scents for perfume and who has a lot to deal with. For instance, she’s just entered into a partnership with a self-centered reality TV star named Shannon (Brooke Hogan). Shannon wants to sell a perfume called Scorched but Layla talks her into calling it Sizzle instead. Her second husband, Nate (Gabriel Hogan), is a former pro golfer who blew out his knee when he fell out of a golf cart and who still occasionally struggles to maintain his sobriety. Her stepdaughter, Allison (Laura Hand), has just dropped out of college and has moved back into her old room. However, the majority of Layla’s stress has to do with her desire to have a baby, despite the fact that, as Allison puts it, “You guys are old.”

Fortunately, Layla and Nate are clients of one of the best fertility doctors around. Dr. Hartlin (Sofia Milos) may not be cheap (and the film’s script makes a very specific point of saying that her treatment is not covered by insurance) but she seems to sincerely care about her patients. In fact, she might care too much. When Layla goes shopping, she just happens to run into Dr. Hartlin. When Nate is giving golf lessons, Dr. Hartlin just happens to show up. When Layla wonders why she’s so emotional and temperamental when she isn’t even pregnant yet, Dr. Hartlin tells her that it’s nothing to worry about. But one day, Nate arrives home and Layla not only smells the scent of booze on his breath. She also smells the scent of Dr. Hartlin on all of Nate’s clothes…

It turns out that, long ago, Dr. Hartlin used to know Nate. In fact, she and Nate even had a date or two. Nate is shocked to discover that Dr. Hartlin is the same girl that he used to know as “Cee Cee.” Dr. Hartlin explains she had a good deal of plastic surgery after a car accident, the same accident that caused her to have a miscarriage many years ago…

“I’m not going to hurt you. I just want my baby.”

“It’s my baby.”

“No, it’s my baby.”

“BACK OFF OR THERE WON’T BE ANY BABY!”

*Layla points a knife at her own stomach*

That’s just another example of the dialogue in Give Me My Baby. Seriously, this is one of the most batshit insane films that I’ve ever seen on Lifetime. I wouldn’t necessarily call it good but it’s so crazy that you’ll never forget it. Sofia Milos goes so over the top as Dr. Hartlin that there’s a chance she might never return to Earth.

That said, my favorite character was Allison. As played by Laura Hand, Allison had a sarcastic attitude about everything. Even when she was being helpful and trying to protect her stepmother, she still came across like she was annoyed about having to make the effort. I totally saw myself in Allison. Someone needs to give Allison a show of her own.

Cleaning Out The DVR: The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on October 2, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is not just devoting all of her time to horror movies this month! She is also trying to clean out her DVR. She has recorded over 170 movies this year and she needs to watch all of them before January 1st! Will she make it? Keep checking this site to find out! Lisa recorded The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit off of the Lifetime Movie Network on June 2nd.)

Now, this is just frustrating!

When you sit down to watch a movie called The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit, I think you’re justified in thinking that the majority of the movie is going to take place in a bed (perhaps even the wrong bed, which I guess would mean that it has a lumpy mattress or a lice-infected pillow something). I think you’re also justified in expecting that everyone’s going to be naked for the majority of the movie. As for the pursuit — well, pursuit can mean anything. Maybe the two naked people in the wrong bed are pursuing pleasure or enlightenment. Maybe they’re pursuing the ultimate high of sexually decadent ennui. Who knows?

Well, The Wrong Bed: Naked Pursuit does open with Stella (Jewel Statie) and Owen (Corey Sevier) waking up naked in bed and handcuffed together. However, it’s not the wrong bed. It’s just a hotel bed and it looks like a pretty nice hotel, too! Both Owen and Stella are naked but that only lasts for about ten minutes. Eventually, they get out of bed and manage to get partially dressed. And while I appreciate the fact that the film is honest about the difficult of putting on a bra while handcuffed to another person (because, seriously, it’s not as easy as the movie’s usually make it look), that still doesn’t change the fact that the title specifically promised us a naked pursuit in the wrong bed.

Now, I should admit that the title is honest about the pursuit part. When Owen and Stella wake up, they have no memory of how they met or eventually ended up in bed together. However, they do know that someone is chasing them. They spend the entire movie running around Canada, trying not to get caught by the usual collection of men in suits and uniforms. Occasionally, Stella has flashes of memory. She sees herself strapped down to a gurney with a scientist named Larissa (Lisa Berry) preparing to give her a shot. She realizes that she and her best friend tried to earn some extra money by taking part in some sort of clinical study. However, something went wrong…

Stella and Owen try to retrace their steps. It turns out that they both got pretty wild the night before they woke up in the not-so wrong bed. They ever started a riot at a bowling alley. Even more importantly, they find the time to stop by Owen’s house. Owen, who says that he’s a fireman, lives in an impressively big house. That’s Lifetime, though. Everyone gets a mansion, regardless of what they do for a living.

Anyway, once I got over the misleading title, The Wrong Bed turned out to be a pretty entertaining little movie. It was directed by Monika Mitchell, who has done several Lifetime movies and who can always be depended on to keep the action moving quickly. Things got a little bit silly once Owen and Stella discovered why they were being pursued but no matter! Jewel Statie and Corey Sevier had chemistry and Sevier looked good without his shirt on.

It all worked out.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Nanny Nightmare (directed by Brian Herzlinger)

Posted on October 1, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Along with everything else that she’s trying to get done this month, Lisa is also trying to make some progress in getting her DVR cleaned out! She has currently got over 170 things recorded and they’re all going to be erased on January 1st, regardless of whether she’s watched all of them or not. That’s just the way things work in the Bowman household. Will she manage to watch everything before the year ends? Keep checking here to find out! Anyway, she recorded 2017’s Nightmare Nanny off of the Lifetime Movie Network on June 16th.)

If there’s anything that I’ve learned from watching Lifetime movies, it’s that anyone who actually wants to spend time with children (especially babies) is a fucking psycho.

Seriously, I’ve lost track of the number of Lifetime films that have dealt with a crazy babysitter, nanny, teacher, step-parent, foster child, or an obsessed neighbor. They all tend to start out the same way, with a large and tastefully decorated house. Inside the house, a woman thinks that she can have it all: a career, a family, and an outspoken, take-no-bullshit best friend who likes to drink wine. Sometimes, the woman is a single mother. If she’s divorced or separated, her husband is still not quite out of the picture. If she’s widowed, then she still has to deal with a pushy in-law who doesn’t think that she’s spending enough time at home. If she’s still married, her husband is a jerk who spends all of his time at the office with his attractive administrative assistant.

Married, divorced, or widowed, she has at least two children to take care of. It’s not easy trying to balance it all. But then suddenly, someone shows up. Sometimes, it’s a neighbor who is just a little too friendly. Sometimes, it’s a nanny who has been hired because of “impeccable” (and forged) credentials. Whoever it is, they always say that they love children. They imagine it probably has something to do with their own dysfunctional childhood. They just want to find a place to belong. And so, this stranger is hired and entrusted with the safety of the household.

It’s always a mistake. No one is every truly helpful in a Lifetime movie and the more perfect someone seems to be, the more likely that person is going to turn out to be a raving psycho. Unfortunately, the characters in Lifetime movies appear to have never watched television. If they had, they would know better than to trust anyone who claims to love children.

Seriously, children are the worst.

Take Nanny Nightmare, for instance. Nanny Nightmare follows the formula without deviation and it’s hard not to feel that, if only Lauren (Erin Cahill) had watched a Lifetime movie or two, she could have avoided a lot of drama. She would have known that her husband (Brady Smith) was being framed when she found pictures of his half-naked assistant on his phone. She also would have known better than to trust her neighbor, Owen (Jake Manley), when he said that he loved children.

But she did trust him and, before you know it, Owen is installing spy cameras all over the house and trying to trick Lauren into falling in love with him. Owen has finally found a family and he’s determined to never let them go! (Hell. he’s even get a candle-lit altar that’s decorated with pictures of Lauren. That’s determination.)

As I said, it’s pretty much a standard Lifetime movie but I did like Jake Manley’s performance as Owen. I liked the fact that Owen was obviously psychotic and yet, no one seemed to notice. Even when he attacks the neighbor’s lawn mower with a baseball bat, no one seems to be particularly perturbed. Then again, isn’t that the way things usually work in real life? If you have to choose between asking someone if they’re crazy or just trying to ignore the weirdness all around you, most people will go for the latter option.

That’s one reason to keep an eye out for evidence of a psychotic disposition before you invite someone to come live in your house. Seriously, if anyone says that they enjoy being around children, get out of there.

Thank you, Lifetime, for reminding us to stay vigilant.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #168: A Lover Betrayed (dir by Jeff Hare)

Posted on September 10, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime premiere movie, A Lover Betrayed!

Why Was I Watching It?

Ennui, baby!

Seriously, ennui is the best explanation that I can give you. For the past two and a half months, my weekend has been about watching the latest episode of Twin Peaks and then trying to figure out what it all meant. Well, Twin Peaks is over now. Game of Thrones is over. The Walking Dead isn’t going to be back for another week or so. Big Brother is still on but all the other TSL writers got together, took a vote, and banned me from discussing it on this site.

ENNUI!

Plus, A Lover Betrayed was on the Lifetime Movie Network and you know that i can never resist a good Lifetime film.

What Was It About?

It was about a lover who was betrayed.

Oh, you already figured that out just from reading the title?

Okay, more specifically, the lover is Tess (Jamie Luner). Tess used to be a guidance counselor but then she found out that the principal at her school was a perv. She got him fired so, of course, he showed up at her house with a gun. He committed suicide but first, he fired the gun randomly at the ceiling, which led to Tess’s son, Mason, getting killed.

Years later, Tess is an internationally renowned blogger and author, who helps grieving parents deal with the loss of their children. She is separated from Rodger, who has never emotionally recovered from the death of their son. At a reading, she meets Conall, a handsome young soldier who says that her blog helped him recover after the death of his father. Conall and Tess end up sharing one night of passion but, because this is a Lifetime movie, Rodger shows up the very next morning and says that he wants to fix their relationship.

Not surprisingly, Conall turns out to be a bit obsessive but there’s more to it than just the typical Lifetime stalking movie. There’s all sorts of twists and turns, which I won’t spoil here…

What Worked

I was so proud of myself because, last night, I figured out the movie’s big twist after watching for about 30 minutes. That doesn’t mean that it’s not a good twist. It just means that I got lucky. In fact, I thought it was actually a pretty clever twist and I appreciated the fact that the movie didn’t spring it of nowhere. The clues were there and, for once, I actually managed to pick up on them.

Lifetime regular Jamie Luner did a good job as Tess. She’s been in a lot of these movies and obviously knows how to sincerely deliver even the most melodramatic lines of dialogue.

What Did Not Work

Oh my God, this was a dark movie. For a Lifetime movie, I would actually say that it was a little bit too dark. Lifetime movies are supposed to be fun but, at times, this one was actually rather depressing. Even when the movie reached a standard Lifetime conclusion, I was still like, “Damn …. Tess is going to be messed up for a long time….”

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Tess’s sister was a gun-toting badass. My sister is a gun-toting badass. Woo hoo!

Lessons Learned

Trust no one!

Lisa Cleans Out Her DVR: Sinister Minister (dir by Jose Montesinos)

Posted on June 13, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa is currently in the process of cleaning out her DVR. She’d probably be done already if she wasn’t trying to review every single movie that she watches. Sometimes, it takes longer to write the review than to watch the movie. Boo hoo. Anyway, she recorded Sinister Minister off of Lifetime on May 28th.)

“Oh hell yeah!”

That’s what I shouted when Sinister Minister began and I saw the following: “The Asylum Presents…”

I’ve explained in the past why I love Asylum films but I will be more than happy to explain again. After all, it’s possible that you may not have read my previous reviews and, anyway, I’ve got a word count to meet. I love those three words — “The Asylum Presents” — because the Asylum specializes in making films that are pure entertainment. There’s no pretension when it comes to the Asylum. There’s no attempt to try to fool the audience into thinking that they’re seeing something more than they actually are. There’s none of the silly BS that makes so many other films so tedious. No. The Asylum promises to entertain you and, usually, they keep that promise.

Take Sinister Minister for example. First off, there’s the title. Sinister Minister has got to be one of the most brilliant titles that I’ve ever seen. You read that title and you know exactly what you’re getting. It’s going to be a film about minister and he’s going to be sinister. The only question is whether or not he’s going to be a man of God or if he’s going to be an official in some dreary socialist country in Europe.

In this case, he’s pretending to be a man of God. DJ (Ryan Patrick Shanahan) is a charismatic dynamo on the pulpit, giving fiery sermons and encouraging people to read their bibles. (I didn’t catch his denomination. I’m going to assume that he a part of that all-purpose, nameless denomination that all television and movie protestants seem to be a part of.) When we first meet DJ, he’s married but his wife promptly dies in an auto “accident.” That frees him up to marry his mistress.

However, no sooner has DJ gotten remarried then he meets the recently divorced Trish (Nikki Howard). DJ likes Trish and Trish likes DJ. Less impressed is Trish’s teenage daughter, Siena (Angelica Briones). Of course, it doesn’t matter because DJ’s married, right? Well, that can be taken care of…

So, is it possible that DJ is just murdering one wife after another and now he’s planning on marrying Trish? And, in order to do that, is he going to have to target everyone who might have reason to be suspicious of his intentions, including Siena? Well, he wouldn’t be a sinister minister otherwise!

Anyway, Sinister Minister is one of those totally over the top melodramas that has just enough self-awareness to also be a lot of fun. (It’s based on a true story but don’t let that scare you off.) Ryan Patrick Shanahan brings the right mix of bad boy charisma and mustache twirling villainy to the role. As always, The Asylum promises and enjoyable movie and it delivered.

Lisa Cleans Out Her DVR: Nanny Seduction (dir by Emily Moss Wilson)

Posted on May 26, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi, everyone! I’ve been cleaning out my DVR over the past week and, today, I’ve been sharing reviews of the film’s that I watched! I recorded Nanny Seduction off of the Lifetime Movie Network on February 26th!)

Before I talk too much about Nanny Seduction, I want to engage in a little speculation.

First off, looking at the credits, I noticed that several crew members of Nanny Seduction have also been involved with some of the shark films that usually show up on SyFy in the week before the premiere of the latest Sharknado. That wasn’t a shock. SyFy and Lifetime movies often tend to be produced by the same companies. But what I loved about Nanny Seduction is that, in the very first scene, a child is seen receiving a book about sharks for her birthday! I’m assuming that was an inside joke and I absolutely loved it.

Secondly, I’m going to guess that Nanny Seduction and A Deadly Affair were both filmed at roughly the same time. Not only do the two films share several actors in common but I’m also pretty sure that the main house in A Deadly Affair was also the main house in Nanny Seduction. And again, I found that to be very charming. One of the fun things about watching both Lifetime and SyFy movies is making the connections between them. It’s actually rather fun to see a familiar face pop up and wonder what their role is going to be this time. It’s kind of like when Dick Miller shows up in a Roger Corman film or Giovanni Lombardo Radice pops up in one of Michele Soavi’s movies.

As for the film itself, Nanny Seduction pretty much takes the standard Lifetime nanny film to its logical extreme. Lifetime has a long history of nanny paranoia. It makes sense, of course. By hiring a nanny, you’re not only trusting your child with a stranger but, in a way, you’re also admitting that you can’t be two places at once. You’re admitting that your powers are limited. Of course, by hiring a nanny — who is inevitably always younger, prettier and more exciting than boring old mommy — you’re running the risk that the nanny will either try to run off with your child or your husband. Nanny Seduction is one of the first films to suggest that the nanny might do both.

Of course, that’s not all that Kara (Austin Highsmith) has to worry about. She also has to worry about the fact that her daughter, Erin (Lauren Gobuzzi), is adopted and that Erin’s birth mother (Erin Cahill) is apparently stalking her. And then there’s the fact that Kara’s husband, Ben (Wes Brown), has a history of cheating. Even more than the typical Lifetime protagonist, Kara has good reason to be worried when the new nanny, Alyssa (Valerie Azlynn), keeps hitting on her husband.

Speaking of Alyssa, she’s one of my favorite Lifetime nannies. It’s not that she’s any more evil than the typical Lifetime nanny. Instead, it’s just that she’s so unapologetic about it. Most evil nannies at least try to be subtle but Alyssa never even pretends to be Kara’s friend. She pretty much steps into the house and announces, “I’m going to kidnap your child and run off with your husband. Deal with it!” Alyssa is so joyfully and unapologetically evil and Valeria Azlynn is clearly having such a blast playing her that she elevates the entire film.

Nanny Seduction is a lot of fun. It embraces the melodrama and thank goodness for that!

Lisa Cleans Out Her DVR: Mommy’s Prison Secret (dir by John L’Ecuyer)

Posted on May 26, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi! I am currently in the process of cleaning out the DVR. I recorded Mommy’s Prison Secret off of Lifetime on May 6th.)

Taylor Reynolds (Kelli Williams) has a secret and, believe it or not, the secret is not that she served time in prison. Everyone knows that Taylor has a record and, as opposed to what would happen in the real world, everyone seems to be okay with it. She’s got a nice house in the suburbs, a handsome husband (Justin Reynolds), and a good relationship with her teenage daughter, Bianca (Niamh Wilson). She’s even best friends with her probation officer!

Of course, it’s not like Taylor killed anyone or anything like that. She went to prison because she was arrested for DUI and the cops found weed in her car. She was a model prisoner and apparently, something of a protegé of the warden’s. She secured an early release from prison and she got her life back on track.

So, what’s Mommy’s prison secret? Could it be that the weed actually belonged to husband and she basically took the fall for him? Or could it have something to do with her former cellmate, Meghan (Sarain Boylan)? Meghan has just been released from prison and of course, she promptly turns up in Taylor’s hometown. When Taylor is at the supermarket and she realizes that she’s forgotten her wallet, Meagan pops up, pays for her groceries, and tells off the cashier.

Taylor can’t wait to get away from Meghan, who is tough, crude, and has a blonde mullet sorta thing going on. However, Meghan has other plans, That night, she shows up at Taylor’s house. Her car has broken down. It’s raining. Taylor’s like, “Go away,” and Taylor’s husband is like, “We can’t kick out a guest!”

Needless to say, that’s a big mistake. Not only is Meghan soon pressuring Taylor to sneak drugs into the prison but she’s also proving to be a bad influence on Bianca. Taylor would love to tell Meghan to leave or maybe even call the police but, if she does that, Meghan will reveal Mommy’s prison secret!

What is Mommy’s prison secret? Well, it’s probably not what you think it’s going to be. I thought that it was going to turn out that Meghan and Taylor had been more than just cellmates (and there are hints of that being the case) but the secret itself is something totally different and, to be honest, a lot less interesting.

Anyway, the best thing about Mommy’s Prison Secret is Sarain Boylan’s performance as Meghan. Boylan dominates every scene in which she appears. Meghan speaks her mind and has literally no secrets and, in an odd way, you actually end up liking her a lot more than you like the duplicitous Taylor. Even if she is a bad influence who blackmails Taylor into becoming a drug smuggler, it’s hard not to occasionally say, “Go Meghan!”

One final note: Was Taylor named after Orange Is The New Black‘s Taylor Schilling? I’m going to assume that she was.

Lisa Cleans Out Her DVR: Dream House Nightmare (dir by Jose Montesinos)

Posted on May 26, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Hi! I’m currently cleaning out my DVR and, though I’m making some progress, I’ve still got over 150 movies left to watch and review! Will I finish before the world ends in November? Who knows!? Anyway, I recorded Dream House Nightmare off of the Lifetime Movie Network on April 2nd.)

I got really excited when Dream House Nightmare started and I saw those three magic words: “The Asylum Presents.”

“Oh, Hell yeah!” I shouted. “An Asylum film!”

See, whenever I see “The Asylum Presents,” I know that the film that follows is going to be a lot of fun. The Asylum is shameless about being over the top entertainment. There is rarely anything subtle about an Asylum film but that’s exactly why people like me love them. The Asylum has turned melodrama into an art form.

The other reason that I got excited about Dream House Nightmare was, from the opening shots, it was obvious that the film was set and shot in Louisiana. Seriously, an Asylum film shot in the Deep South? You better believe I was excited!

And, for the most part, Dream House Nightmare lived up to my expectations. It tells the story of a house, a really big house that practically anyone would die for. Madison Dupree (Terese Aiello) loves the house and would love to buy it. When she sees another couple looking at the house, she even tells them not to bother. She has determined that the house is going to belong to her. Can you blame her? She doesn’t have much else going on in her life. Years ago, she was named Mother of the Year but now, she has been relegated to the margins of society. She lives with her disabled daughter (Tenea Intriago, giving a poignant performance in a difficult role) and her white trash husband (Brett Baker). Why can’t she at least have a nice house?

However, she doesn’t get the house. A better offer is made by the Wades, Thom (David A. Cole) and his wife, Theresa (Rachel G. Whittle). Thom is an emergency room doctor. Theresa is pregnant and is often alone at home while her husband works at the hospital. Theresa has already suffered one miscarriage and is understandably worried that she’ll have another. It doesn’t help that the neighbors all think that she’s stand-offish. (“I’m just shy!” she protests and believe me, as someone who has often been wrongly accused of having an attitude, I knew exactly what she was going through.)

It also doesn’t help that Madison is batshit insane, so insane that she immediately launches a campaign of harassment against the Wades. She leaves threatening notes. She goes online and announces that the Wades are having an open house, which leads to a few surprise visitors. She leaves notes for the other neighbors, making Thom look like a pervert. When Thom and Theresa hold a party to get to know their neighbors, Madison attempts to blow everyone up.

It’s just all so over-the-top and insane that it’s impossible not to enjoy. The plot doesn’t have to make sense when it’s this much fun. It seems somehow appropriate that the film takes place in the Deep South. Down here, we embrace our melodrama. This film is a potent combination of Louisiana atmosphere and Asylum melodrama, with a healthy amount of random insanity tossed into the mix.

As I said, I’m always happy when I see “The Asylum Presents.” Films like this are the reason why.