Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love, exciting and new….

Episode 5.13 “Doc Take the Fifth/Safety Last/A Business Affair”

(Dir by Bruce Bilson, originally aired on Jan. 2nd, 1982)

Returning from his vacation, Doc boards the boat with a young Russian blonde woman named Tania (Irena Ferris).  Oh, the crew says, Doc has a new girlfriend.

No, Doc has a new wife!  Doc and Tania met after Doc saw her performing as a member of a communist symphony during his vacation.  They struck up a conversation and, according to Doc, it was love at first sight,  After a whirlwind courtship, Doc and Tania got married, mere hours before heading to the boat.  It’s going to be a working honeymoon for Doc and he can’t wait to consummate the marriage.  The crew can’t wait for him to do it either.  (Seriously, they are oddly obsessed with Doc Bricker’s sex life.)  This is Doc’s fifth marriage and it’s going to last!

Except …. Tania doesn’t seem to want to consummate the marriage.  In fact, once the boat sets sail, Tania seems to be avoiding Doc.  Doc wonders if maybe Tania is just shy but seriously — refusing to have sex with your new husband on a luxury cruise ship?  No one’s that shy!  Then Doc spies Tania kissing another passenger.

“Adam,” the captain says, “you don’t know Tania that well.”

Indeed, Adam does not.  Eventually, Tania tells Doc Bricker the truth.  She married Adam so she could stay in the country with the true love of her life, political dissident Mikhail (Kai Wulff).  Tania says that she really, really likes Doc but she is not in love with him.  Both Tania and Mikhail apologize to Doc and tell him that Tania will get the marriage annulled and return to Russia.

Personally, I think Doc would have been justified in tossing them both overboard.  Instead, Doc asks Captain Stubing to call a friend at the State Department and arrange for Tania to get permanent refugee status in the United States.  Awwww, that was nice of Doc!

This storyline was depressing but, as I’ve said before, I always appreciate it when The Love Boat allows Doc Bricker to be something other than just a lech.  Bernie Kopell was so likable in the role that it was always nice when he got to play Doc as being a nice guy as opposed to a manipulative sex addict.  Kopell did an especially good job in this episode, especially at the end where he appears to be on the verge of tears as he watches Tania and Mikhail leave the boat.

As for the other two stories, neither one was particularly interesting.  A safety inspector (Don Adams) is so obsessed with safety that he nearly misses a chance for romance with Alice (Britt Ekland).  Luckily, Isaac is there to set him straight.  A business executive (Robert Fuller) is upset that everyone thinks he’s sleeping with his Vice President (Judy Norton).  But then he falls in love with her and sleeps with her for real so I guess the rumors were true!

Those stories were boring but Doc’s story redeemed this week’s cruise.  Poor Doc!  Maybe the sixth time will be the charm.