Substitute Lover”

Posted on May 21, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, season 5 comes to a close!

Episode 5.29 “Mothers Don’t Do That/Marrying for Money/Substitute Lover”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on May 15th, 1982)

Glamorous Marian Healy (Eva Gabor) boards the boat and is reunited with the son that she barely knows, Danny (Brad Savage). Danny, however, reads Marian’s diary and declares, “Mother don’t do that!” Hey, you little brat, how do you think you came into existence?

Meanwhile, yet another old high friend of Julie’s board the boat and proceeds to lie to a passenger. It seems like this happened every week. This time, it’s Bert (Eddie Mekka) who pretends to be the pen pal of Marla Bennett (Audrey Landers). Don’t worry, Marla forgives Bert when she learns the truth. If there’s anything I’ve learned from watching The Love Boat, it’s that romantic relationships that start off with some horrible lie always work out for the best.

Finally, Gopher and Isaac are worried that Lola Trout (Caren Kaye) is trying to kill her new husband, Orville (Arte Johnson), by forcing him to exercise. They can’t think of any other reason why Lola would marry Arte, other than to murder him and take his money. If they spent more time watching Fantasy Island, they would know that there are simpler ways to kill your husband than by making him exercise. You could challenge him to a pentathlon for instance….

This was the final episode of the fifth season and everyone seemed to be a little bit tired. None of the three stories is particularly developed and you can really tell that everyone’s eager to get off the boat and spend some time on dry land. That’s fine. Season 5 was a pretty good season, even with that terrible musical episode. Everyone deserves a break and if that means the finale is a bit underwhelming, so be it!

Next week, we start Season 6! I have a feeling I will never finish reviewing this series and that’s okay. The Love Boat is a show that I could happily watch forever!

Hellcats of the Navy (1957, directed by Nathan Juran)

Posted on April 15, 2025 by Jedadiah Leland

At the height of World War II, Commander Casey Abbott (Ronald Reagan) breaks up with nurse Helen Blair (Nancy Davis, the future first lady) and takes command of a submarine that has been tasked with mapping out Japanese mine fields. Abbott struggles at first with commanding his submarine. After a popular diver — and Helen’s new boyfriend — is killed during a mission, much of the crew holds Abbott responsible. While Abbott is able to win back the respect of the crew, he still struggles with his second-in-command, Don Landon (Arthur Franz). Landon wants to command his own submarine but when Abbott gives him a negative recommendation, Landon is forced to consider his past actions. Landon eventually discovers just how difficult it is to be in charge.

Full of stock footage and chintzy special effects, Hellcats of the Navy was the movie that Ronald Reagan considered to be so bad that it led to him retiring from feature films and devoting himself to mastering the emerging medium of television. Gene Hackman had his Welcome To Mooseport. Ronald Reagan had his Hellcats of the Navy. It’s definitely on the cheap and predictable side but, when I watched it earlier today, I discovered it wasn’t as bad as I had heard. Reagan actually gives a pretty good performance as Abbott and the film does show that even a good commander will make mistakes. The main problem is that it’s just not a very exciting film and a good deal of the undersea footage was clumsily lifted from other movies.

Hellcats of the Navy was the one movie that co-starred both Ronnie and Nancy and it’s worth watching for curiosity’s sake. Nancy isn’t in much of the movie and it’s really a role that anyone could have played. There’s not a lot of romantic chemistry between Ronnie and Nancy, they’re both too reserved for that. This film still shows the likability and the natural authority that led to Ronald Reagan launching a second career in politics.

Just think, if Hellcats of the Navy had been a better movie, the past 45 years might have been very different.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.5 and 4.6 “The Mallory Quest/Julie, the Vamp/The Offer”

Posted on February 28, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, it’s a special two-hour episode of The Love Boat!

Episodes 4.5 and 4.6 “The Mallory Quest/Julie, The Vamp/The Offer”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 15th, 1980)

This week, The Love Boat heads off on a two-week cruise that will take the ship, its crew, and its passengers through the Panama Canal. There will also be stops at all the various islands on the way. This is important because this is one of the episodes that was actually filmed on location. Instead of the usual sets, we get to watch the action play out on an actual cruise ship.

Unfortunately, the actual cruise ship is kind of …. well, tacky. Seriously, it’s hard not to notice that the hallways and the front lobby all look considerably more cramped and weathered than they have in other episodes of The Love Boat. It’s also hard not to notice that the extras (who were apparently actual passengers) are all considerably older than the usual Love Boat background actors.

In fact, with the ship in such disrepair, it is any shocked that Captain Stubing is thinking of leaving? When his old friend, Charlie (Dick Van Patten), boards the ship, he brings him a job offer. If Stubing accepts the offer, he’ll be living in New York, he’ll be making three times the money, and Vicki will get to have a normal life. Stubing loves the sea but he also wants Vicki to have a good future. Vicki — in a scene that was well-acted by both Jill Whelan and Gavin MacLeod — tells him not to worry about her and that he needs to do what makes him happy. And so, the Captain stays with the boat and I presume Vicki will continue to be taught by the tutor that we occasionally hear about but never actually see.

Meanwhile, Julie McCoy has been accused of being a vamp! Maude Victor (Lani O’Grady) is convinced that Julie is trying to steal her fiancé, Roger (Bart Braverman). Eventually, Roger himself become confused and Julie pretends to be interested in Roger just to get Roger and Maude back together again. This was a dumb story and I don’t want to waste any more time on it.

Indeed, for all the Stubing drama and Julie silliness, this two-hour episode was dominated by one story. Arrogant novelist Brian Mallory (Pernell Roberts) boards the boat with his long-suffering wife, Janet (Gayle Hunnicutt). Brian has secretly bought tickets for three other passengers. Peter (Skip Stephenson) is an insurance agent who is due to donate a kidney to his brother. Marvin (Jimmie Walker) owns a bookstore. Marcia Rand (Connie Stevens) brings along her fitness-obsessed boyfriend, Dave Porter (Peter Lupus). Mallory reveals that Peter, Marvin, Marcia, and Gopher were the last four people to see his nephew, Tom. Mallory has never met his nephew but he wants to track him down and apparently, Tom is living on one of the islands that the cruise is scheduled to visit. Brian wants the four of them to help him look for Tom and he offers a $10,000 reward to make things interesting. Why does Brian want to find his nephew? Eventually, it is revealed that Tom is in possession of a family heirloom that Brian feels is rightfully his. Sinister Lucius Kergo (Sorrell Brooke) is also on the cruise and he is determined to get the heirloom for himself.

Janet grows so tired of Brian’s arrogance and his obsession with finding his nephew that she declares that she’s leaving him. Since the cruise is booked up, she ends up staying with Doc Bricker. Doc falls for Janet but he realizes that she truly loves Brian and, when Brian starts to show some humility and some remorse for the way that he’s treated her, Doc encourages her to go back to him …. which she does because this is The Love Boat, not The Divorce Boat.

Anyway, Tom Mallory is eventually tracked down to a monastery in Puerto Rico. Tom gives Brian the heirloom but the newly kind Brian gives it back to him so that he can sell it and use the money to build a free clinic. Good for Brian!

Disheveled cruise ship aside and ignoring that terrible Julie plot, this was a fun episode. The island scenery was gorgeous and the mystery of Tom’s location actually turned out to be a lot more intriguing than I was expecting it would. Watching this episode made me want to take a cruise, even if it is a tacky one.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.25 “Murder on the High Seas/Sounds of Silence/Cyrano de Bricker”

Posted on July 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Sonny Bono shocks the squares!

Episode 2.25 “Murder on the High Seas/Sounds of Silence/Cyrano de Bricker”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 17th, 1979)

Uh-oh! The singer who Julie hired to perform on the cruise had to cancel! Fortunately, Gopher has a connection at a talent agent and he is able to recruit a replacement. Meet Dominic Dark!

He’s pretty fearsome! When he arrives on the boat, he’s accompanied by his manager (Arte Johnson) and a living snake. When he performs in the Acapulco Lounge, he destroys his instruments and sings about how much he loves rebelling against conventional society. But underneath that KISS-inspired makeup and behind those sub-Alice Cooper-style lyrics …. wait a minute …. is that….

Yes, this is one of the four episode of The Love Boat to feature singer and future U.S. Rep. Sonny Bono as a passenger on The Love Boat. (Fred “Gopher” Grandy would also go on to serve in the House as well.) Not surprisingly, Mr. Dark turns out to actually be a rather mild-mannered gentleman named Phil Backstrom. Phil wants to abandon all the gimmicks and just make a name for himself as a singer but his manager orders him to keep putting on the makeup and to keep upsetting the squares. While on the cruise, Phil meets and falls in love with Sara (Sheila Lenham), who understands his love of music and who is also deaf.

It’s actually a pretty sweet story and Sonny Bono is so likable that it’s easy to see how he managed to go from singing to having a career in politics. But the main appeal of this entire storyline, and indeed this entire episode, is the chance to see Sonny Bono playing a 70s-style shock rocker. It’s one of those ideas that is so ludicrous that it’s actually kind of fun. Bono looks so awkward in his makeup that it’s hard not to root for him. I also liked the fact that the other largely middle-aged and obviously wealthy passengers all loved Phil’s act. It seemed like Phil’s biggest fans were the same people who, in theory, were supposed to be shocked by his antics.

As for the other two stories, Jill St. John plays Mitzi, an old friend of Doc’s who boards the boat with her new husband, Vinnie (Charlie Callas). It’s supposed to be their honeymoon cruise but Vinnie seems to be more interested in gambling than honeymooning. At one point, he says that, after living with Mitzi for two years before getting married, the honeymoon just feels like another trip. Needless to say, Mitzi leaves their cabin and decides to spend the cruise in Doc’s office. Doc Bricker is able to bring Mitzi and Vinnie back together but it’s hard not to feel that Mitzi made the right decision when she left Vinnie the first time. I mean, Vinnie’s a jerk! And he seems to have a bit of a gambling problem….

Finally, Isaac thinks that he overhears two people (Peter Lawford and Dana Wynter) plotting to kill Captain Stubing. This leads to Isaac and eventually the entire crew getting into a panic but it turns out that Lawford and Wynter are just two mystery novelists plotting out their latest book. The main problem with this plot is that it hinged on a mistake that Isaac, at least based on what we’ve seen of him in previous episodes, normally wouldn’t make. Misunderstanding a conversation seemed more like something that Gopher would do. Isaac has always been the smart and down-to-Earth member of the crew and Ted Lange never looks quite as comfortable with slapstick antics of this episode as Fred Grandy probably would have.

In the end, this was fairly negligible episode that was occasionally amusing due to the efforts of future congressman Sonny Bono.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Families”

Posted on July 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Captain needs a new watch but his crew is determined to give him a bunch of toothpicks instead.

Episode 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Familes”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 10th, 1979)

This week’s cruise gets off to a bizarre start with Captain Stubing reminding the members of the crew that he will soon be hitting his 5-year anniversary mark as their captain. Doc, Julie, Gopher, and Isaac are planning to throw him a huge surprise party and they’ve even gotten him a gift, a replica of the Love Boat made out of toothpicks!

Now, it’s not just the gift that feels strange about this scenario. There’s also the fact that Stubing claims that he’s been captain of the Pacific Princess for five years even though the show is only in its second season. As you may remember, the very first episode of The Love Boat featured the crew still talking about how they couldn’t figure out the proper way to approach their new captain and how they didn’t know anything about his background. So, unless three years passed without anyone noticing, the Captain has only been on the ship for two years.

Add to that, Captain Stubing keeps telling anyone who will listen that he needs a new watch. So why is the crew dumb enough to give him a boat made out of toothpicks for his anniversary gift? The toothpick boat itself is constructed by two close friends, Bo (Philip Charles MacKenzie) and Sam (Michael Tucci). Of course, when Bo and Sam deliver the gift to the cruise, they end up breaking it in half. As a result, they stowaway on the ship so that they can rebuild the toothpick boat. And they do rebuild it! But then they break it again so, with hours to go until the Captain’s party, they again have to rebuild it. When they deliver the boat the captain’s party, they discover that every member of the crew has given Stubing some sort of miniature boat. Stubing is not particularly excited about the toothpick boat until he hears the sound of something ticking inside of it. Yes, that’s right, Sam’s watch fell off while they were rebuilding the boat. Stubing smashes the toothpick boat and is overjoyed to discover a watch, one that is inscribed with a touching message about friendship. Bo promises to get Sam a new watch.

This storyline was …. well, to say it was frustrating is perhaps putting it a little bit too lightly. Seriously, it never made any sense. Why, if the Captain keeps telling you that he desperately needs a new watch, would you buy him a toothpick boat instead? And why, with something that fragile, would you not wrap it up or find some other way to protect it before trying to carry it onto the cruise? Every time that fake boat got destroyed, I wanted to throw something at the TV.

As for the other storylines….

Julie develops a crush on an older passenger named Walter (Paul Burke) while a younger passenger named Bobby Trymon (Patrick Labyorteaux) develops a crush on Julie. Julie wants to spend all of her time dancing with Walter but she also has to try to let teenage Bobby down gently. Eventually, Julie tells Bobby that he’s too young for her and then Walter explains that he’s too old for Julie. So, everyone ends up miserable.

While that’s going on, publisher Hank Hardaway (Leslie Nielsen) is shocked to discover that his arch nemesis, union leader Monica Cross (Arlene Dahl) is on the cruise! Hank’s daughter, Diana (Ellen Bry), thinks that Monica has a point about protecting the working man while Monica’s son, Jeff (Mark Shera), thinks that Hank has a point about working hard and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Eventually, Diana falls for Jeff and Hank falls for Monica and the four of them prove that you can love someone even if you disagree with their politics. This storyline was simple and silly but, to be honest, kind of charming. Nielsen, who still in the “serious actor” phase of his career when he did this episode, seemed a bit more relaxed than usual and Ellen Bry and Mark Shera had a likable chemistry. Simple as this story may have been, it was kind of what the episode needed to counterbalance all the toothpick boat nonsense.

This cruise was a mixed bag. At least the Captain got a watch.