Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.17 “Runaway”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

It’s time for more bicycle action.

Episode 2.17 “Runaway”

(Dir by Charles Siebert, originally aired on January 19th, 1997)

A teenage girl  (Boti Bliss) is missing on the boardwalk.  Maggie Garrity (Justina Vail), who runs the local shelter, is looking for her.  When she asks the bike patrol for help, TC is dismissive up until he looks up from his paperwork and sees Maggie.  I’ve noticed that this is a patten with the bike patrol.  It’s rare that they do anything until they see it will involve hanging out with an attractive members of the opposite sex.

TC recruits Chris to help him put up flyers.  Chris rolls her eyes because, seriously, why should a member of law enforcement be concerned with a teenage girl who has been abducted by a pimp (Gene Lythgow) and his psycho girlfriend (Ami Dolenz)?  Personally, I would dread working for Chris because she never stops complaining.  It says a lot about this show that the we’re nearly done with the second season and Chris still doesn’t have a personality beyond being whiny.

TC falls for Maggie but Maggie’s a nun!  After they manage to rescue the missing girl, TC asks Maggie if maybe she could stop being a nun for a new nights so that they could go out on a date.  Maggie says that it doesn’t work like that.  What I find interesting is that TC has no problem casually asking Maggie to give up her vows just because he wants to date her.  Hey, TC — this is why you’re single!

Meanwhile, Palermo has new expensive bicycle.  What a dork.  When the bike gets stolen, Victor has to find it.  Palermo sure is mad about his missing bike.  What a loser.

This show is not growing on me.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Gun 1.3 “Columbus Day”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Gun, an anthology series that ran on ABC for six week in 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gun welcomes …. JAMES GANDOLFINI!

Episode 1.3 “Columbus Day”

(Dir by James Steven Sadwith, originally aired on May 3rd, 1997)

The third episode of Gun does indeed features James Gandolfini.  Gandolfini play Walter Difideli, who seems to have quite a bit in common with Gandolfini’s best-known character.  Like Tony Soprano, Walter is proud of his Italian heritage, loudly discussing the superiority of men like Amerigo Vespucci and Christopher Columbus.  Walter makes it a point to stay home on Columbus Day so that he can properly celebrate.  Like Tony, Walter boasts about how he will always take care of his family and he also has something of a quick temper.  And, like Tony, Walter keeps a gun around the house.

However, there are a few differences as well.  For one thing, Walter is firmly on the side of law and order.  Unlike Tony, who lived in a mansion and never worried about the legality of his activities. Walter is very honest and, as a result, he and his family live in a crappy apartment.  Another big difference between Walter and Tony is that, while Tony always had a mistress, Walter is loyal to his wife, Lilly (Rosanna Arquette).  Walter is not one to cheat.  The only cheating in the marriage is done by his wife.

Walter works for TSA at an airport.  One day, he helps to chase down a terrorist.  Before the terrorist is captured, he tosses his gun — the Gun of the show’s title — into a janitor’s cart.  When the janitor later comes across the gun, he sells it to Walter for $50.

Walter wants Lilly to have a gun because he’s taking an extra job at night so that he can raise enough money to afford ballet lessons for their daughter and an engagement ring for his wife.  (When they were engaged, he could never afford to get her a ring.)  Lilly is unhappy about Walter refusing to let her work and instead expecting her to spend all of her time around the apartment.  But then Lilly meets one of her neighbors, a writer named Jack Keyes (Peter Horton).  Soon, she and Jack are having a passionate affair, one that inspires Jack to write a less-than-flattering shorty story called The Tryst.

Meanwhile, the terrorist’s collaborator wants to get the gun back and, after he finds out that Walter has it, he starts harassing Walter at work and later at his apartment.  The nervous Walter starts to carry around the gun with him.  When Lilly, upset over Jack’s short story, deletes all of his files from his laptop, the angry Jack goes down to Lilly’s apartment and kicks open the door.  What he doesn’t know is that Walter is waiting on the other side of the door, with his gun.  Jack ends up dead.  Walter is declared a hero for protecting his home.  Lilly submits Jack’s short story under her name and it gets published.  And the terrorist …. well, he’s just kind of forgotten about.

This was an unsatisfying episode, one that ended with a few too many loose ends still dangling.  (At one point, it’s revealed that Jack secretly films his encounters with Lilly but it’s one of those plot points that goes nowhere.)  An even bigger problem was that there really wasn’t anyone in this episode who seemed worthy of being the center of a story.  Walter was a hopelessly naïve blowhard.  Lilly cheated on her devoted husband and never appeared to feel the least bit of guilt about it, even after Walter gunned down her lover.  Jack was a jerk but it’s hard not to feel that he deserved better than to have his life’s work deleted by the whiny Lilly.  The performances were all good but none of the characters seemed to be worth the effort.

Still, for James Ganolfini fans, this episode does provide a bit of a dry run for Gandolfini’s legendary performance as Tony Soprano.  Imagine a world where Tony is a complete dunce and you’ll probably come up with this episode of Gun.

 

Van Damme Directs: The Quest (1996, directed by Jean-Claude Van Damme)


In the 1920s, New York pickpocket Christoper DuBois (Jean-Claude Van Damme) flees both the police and the mob by stowing away on a boat.  Before he leaves, he promises a group of orphans that he will return to them.  Thay promise is easier made than kept because DuBois is captured by pirates, rescued by Lord Dobbs (Roger Moore), and then sold into slavery on an island off the coast of Siam.

Apparently, Siamese slavery means being taught in the ways of Muay Thai boxing because, when Dobbs eventually returns, DuBois is a champion fighter.  Not holding a grudge about the whole slavery thing, DuBois requests that Dobbs and his partner, Harri (Jack McGee), accompany him to the Lost City of Tibet so that DuBois can represent the United States in a martial arts tournament.  The winner receives a statue made entirely out of the gold, the legendary Golden Dragon.  Wanting the dragon for themselves, Dobbs and Harri go with DuBois to Tibet.  Also accompanying them is a reporter (Janet Gunn) and Max Devine (James Remar), the boxer was supposed to represent the United States but who dropped out when he realized that DuBois was the better fighter.

In the Lost City, DuBois survives several elimination rounds against the best fighters from across the world.  While DuBois always shows mercy to his opponents, his main rival, Khan (Abdel Quissi), indiscriminately kills anyone who gets in the ring with him.  Meanwhile, Dobbs and Harri make plans to steal the golden dragon for themselves.

When it comes to the second-tier action heroes of 1990s, Jean-Claude Van Damme was never as good an actor as Dolph Lundgren but he was still more likable than Steven Seagal.  Van Damme’s appeal was that, in real life, he could actually do all of the things that he did in the movies.  For action audiences, there was never any doubt about who would win if Van Damme and Steven Seagal ever went at in real life.   Movies like The Quest never impressed the critics but they did give Van Damme’s fans exactly what they wanted out of a Van Damme film.

The Quest was unique because it was Van Damme’s debut as a director.  Unlike a lot of actors-turned-director, Van Damme mostly resists the temptation to get too self-indulgent.  There is one scene where Van Damme wears old age makeup and another where he wanders through the slums of New York while dressed as a clown but Van Damme is smart enough to leave most of the heavy acting to capable professionals like Roger Moore and James Remar.  While Moore and Remar ham it up and keep things entertaining, Van Damme concentrates on fighting and trying to return to the orphans.  The fight scenes are sometimes too short but at least Van Damme makes a point of showcasing each competitor’s different style.  There aren’t many films that include both sumo wrestling and capoeira.

The Quest is basically Bloodsport in the 1920s but, as they used to say in the 90s, it’s still damme entertaining.

Review: Drive Angry 3D (dir. by Patrick Lussier)


Every year there’s always a handful of films which gets little to no love from both critics and audiences. These are titles that for one reason or another get left by the wayside. Some say these films are awful. Some say they’re weren’t in the theaters long enough for people (or even critics) to notice. Yet, these films will get it’s vocal and ardent supporters and fans who sees through all the flaws and warts and find a rough gem that really entertains. One such film for 2011 is the supernatural-action film from filmmaker Patrick Lussier simply titled, Drive Angry 3D. Yes, it’s a 3D film and not one of those post-conversion deals but shot from start to finish in 3D.

Drive Angry 3D harkens back to the good, dirty era of grindhouse films. Films with simple storylines and even simpler dialogue. They were made on the cheap (though with a budget of 35-40million this film definitely not low-budget) and cramed full of everything that could be exploited to bring in the audience: sex, violence and lots of nudity. Lussier’s film definitely has all three in abundance. With Nicolas Cage headlining a cast of veteran genre actors and a spitfire of a female sidekick, Drive Angry 3D was a grindhouse film at its very core.

The story could’ve come from any number of revenge films of the 1970’s. Cage plays John Milton (I kid you not) who escapes Hell itself to seek vengeance on the Satanic cult and their leader Jonah King (Billy Burke sporting a slithery Southern accent that’s one step over excessive but oh so fun to hear) for killing his daughter and kidnapping his baby granddaughter. A baby to be sacrificed by Jonah King and his followers to usher in an era of Hell on Earth. Just going over that brief synopsis one could just imagine this film being made in the 1970’s with country rock playing in the background.

Along the way in his quest for vengeance and redemption, Milton comes across Piper (played with crackling gusto by the lovely Amber Heard in the shortest Daisy Dukes I’ve ever seen on film) who becomes his partner in his quest through some shared encounters which shows Piper not as a damsel-in-distress but a young woman who can kick ass as much as Milton does. The fact that she didn’t appear in any form of nakedness throughout the film was a sign that she wasn’t a woman to be messed with.

While it Milton and Piper going after King and his Satanic-cult inbreds wasn’t enough action for one film Lussier and screenwriter Todd Farmer (he also played the role of Piper’s philandering fiancee who gets knocked around a bit by almost everyone) decided to bring in the character of the Accountant (played with an almost childish glee by William Fichtner) who has followed Milton from Hell to bring him back and an item that was taken from Lucifer’s own stash of goodies. Watching the Accountant play someone not used to being human play-act as one definitely became some of the funnier scenes in the film. That’s also why this film was such a fun ride to sit through. Everyone in the cast seemed to be having a blast playing their characters to the hilt. Even David Morse in the role of a Webster as the aging sidekick of Milton’s before his trip to Hell looked to be into his role.

But enough of trying to explain the story and how the actors performed. Drive Angry 3D is all about action and action of every kind. This film oozed action from its very being. We had car chases with some of the most beautiful classic muscle cars in existence. We first get to witness Piper and her 1969 Dodge Charger 440 R/T then for the last third of the film twin 1971 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 454’s. This film is such a throwback to the car chase action films of the 70’s like Vanishing Point and Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry. It wasn’t just car chase action to be had and experienced. This film didn’t shy away from some very violent and up-close gunfights. One particular gunfight may just go down in history as one of the best as Cage’s character (still fully dressed) shoots it out with some of King’s thugs while having sex with the local waitress, smoking a cigar and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in one hand. Milton was one multitasking badass.

This film was all about excess and it’s why it held such an appeal to those who have seen it and have raved about it. It didn’t pay homage to grindhouse, but ended up as being one of the very films it tried and succeeded to emulate. Forget the gloss veneer of the film. A film doesn’t have to be dated and cheap-looking to be grindhouse. Both Patrick Lussier and Todd Farmer wanted to make a badass film about a badass character doing badass shit and they succeeded.

Even the 3D used for this film actually worked. It helped that the crew actually used real 3D cameras to film every scene instead of doing post-conversion work of regular camera filmed scenes. Yes, there were scenes where things were made to come straight at the audience but it wasn’t so distracting as to ruin the experience. In fact, I would say that 3D added to this film’s appeal and fun. One reviewer had said that 3D should be reserved for use in films such as Drive Angry 3D. I won’t disagree.

Will this film be for everyone? I don’t think it is. Not everyone is ready for extreme excess of badassery from Cage, Heard and Fichtner.

Drive Angry 3D will be seen as a failure by those not involved in its production or by those who saw it and enjoyed it. There’s some truth in that, but I do think that this film succeeded in doing everything that was promised by its filmmakers and producers. It’s not an Oscar-baiting film or even one to be seen in the yearly film festivals and circuits. What this film has become was one hell of a ride that was all about kicking ass, taking names (screwing the local waitress while waiting for the ambush to come) and driving beautiful, fast cars. I do think that Lussier’s film looks like a cult-classic in the making as time passes and those who saw it while it was in the theaters should be proud to say that they saw it and liked it when most people couldn’t be bothered.

Now, where’s my pistol, cigar and bottle of Jack Daniels.