Retro Television Review: Night Partners (dir by Noel Nosseck)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1983’s Night Partners!  It  can be viewed on Tubi.

Lauren Hensley (Diana Canova) is a divorced mother who has a nice house in Bakersfield, California.  Her best friends and neighbors are housewife Elizabeth McGuire (Yvette Mimieux) and Elizabeth’s husband, a cop named Glenn (Arlen Dean Snyder).  One night, after spending the day with the McGuires, Lauren returns to her home and is attacked by three burglars.

For Lauren, the crime is not even the worst part of the night.  The worst part is when the police don’t even seem to care that much about her suffering and instead take a “just-the-facts” approach to getting the details to what she’s been through.  Glenn attempts to explain to both Lauren and Elizabeth that cops see terrible things every day and, if they seem desensitized to it all, that’s just their way to handling the stress of the job.  Lauren, however, feels that the cops need a unit that provides the same support for victims that the criminals receive from their lawyers and social workers.

At a community meeting, Lauren proposes her idea to the police chief, John Wilson (Larry Linville).  When Wilson replies that there is no money in the budget, Lauren suggests that maybe the program could be staffed by volunteers.  She then proceeds to volunteer herself and Elizabeth.  Wilson agrees, but on the requirement that Lauren and Elizabeth first attend the police academy and train with the officers.  Under the watchful eye of the gruff but kindly Joe Kirby (M. Emmet Walsh), the two middle-aged housewives run obstacle courses and learn about conflict resolution.  And while the conflict resolution lessons make sense, I’m not sure what the point of having them do the obstacle course was.

Eventually, Lauren and Elizabeth become quite good at their jobs, providing comfort to the victims and getting information that helps the police put away criminals, like the serial rapist (a young M.C. Gainey) who has been stalking the streets of Bakersfield.  Of course, it takes them a while to get good at the job.  When Elizabeth and Lauren are first sent out on the streets, they can’t even keep the police codes straight and they accidentally call in a robbery code when they’re instead just letting the dispatcher know that they’re on break.  Bizarrely, when Lauren and Elizabeth are not at a crime scene talking to a victim, they’re just supposed to drive around in a beat-up patrol car.  Neither one of them has the power to arrest anyone because they’re just volunteers.  In fact, they’re supposed to stay out of the way until the police specifically call for them to come to a crime scene.  So, why are they patrolling the city like real cops?  It seems like that would basically be a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Night Partners was obviously designed to serve as a pilot for a series where Laruen and Elizabeth would comfort victims and help to solve crimes.  The two lead actresses are likable and M. Emmet Walsh is particularly effective as their supervisor.  That said, the film itself can’t decide if it wants to be a hard-hitting crime drama or a comedy about two housewives trying to make it as cops.  Of course, there’s no reason why it couldn’t be both.  Some of the best cops shows have had elements of dark, gallows humor.  But this film’s tone is so inconsistent that the comedic scenes seem to be taking place in an entirely different universe from the dramatic scenes.

As someone who strongly believes that the right of the victims need to be given as much weight as the rights of the criminals, I appreciated the film’s message.  I just wish it had been delivered a bit more effectively.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.6 “The Red Baron/Young At Heart”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Tattoo gets bullied and Mr. Roarke gets psychedelic!

Episode 3.6 “The Red Baron/Young At Heart”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on October 27th, 1979)

This week, Tattoo greets Mr. Roarke while disguised as Frankenstein’s Monster.

Tattoo explains to Mr. Roarke that he’s trying to look scary because there’s a bully that’s picking on him “because of my size.”  OH MY GOD, POOR TATTOO!  Seriously, my heart broke for him when he explained the reason behind his disguise.  As usual, Mr. Roarke was far less sympathetic and ordered Tattoo to put on his usual white tux so that they could greet their guests.

This week’s fantasies ….. well, let’s just get straight to the point.  Neither one is particularly memorable.  In the first one, Cornelius Wiselfarber (Don Adams) is an expert on World War I whose fantasy is to experience the real thing.  From the start, this storyline has two huge flaws.  Number one, it makes the mistake of assuming that a character is automatically funny just because he has a silly name.  Secondly, what expert on World War I would seriously want to experience it firsthand?  There’s a reason why World War I was called the Great War.  It was one of the most destructive and wasteful conflicts ever fought, one that will be forever identified with the horrors of trench warfare and mustard gas.  Thousands died, many more were wounded both physically and psychologically.  Even those who survived with their bodies and their minds intact still ran the risk of catching the Spanish Flu.  This is one of those fantasies that just doesn’t make any sense.

That said, Cornelius gets his chance to experience what it was like to be a World War I flying ace.  He even meets the Red Baron (Ron Ely)!  The majority of the fantasy is played for laughs, with Mr. Roarke continually mispronouncing Cornelius’s last name and Cornelius himself getting recruited, by the Resistance, to pretend to be a German officer behind enemy lines.  It falls flat, mostly because Don Adams himself doesn’t seem to know whether he wants to play his character straight or as a variation of his bumbling secret agent, Maxwell Smart.  By the end of the fantasy, Cornelius says that he now understands how terrible World War I truly was but, seeing as how he didn’t see much combat and spent most of his fantasy trading one liners with Monique of the Resistance (Martine Beswick), you have to wonder how that could be.

As for the second fantasy, Helen Phillips (Diana Canova) is a 40-something nurse who wants to be young again.  Mr. Roarke gives her a magic potion to drink.  Drinking the potion leads to Helen having a psychedelic vision of Mr. Roarke explaining that that the potion wears off after 12 hours so she’ll have to keep drinking it if she’s going to remain young.

No longer having to wear glasses and without a touch of gray in her hair, Helen meets and falls for a handsome young named David Hanks (David Ladd) but she worries about what will happen when she runs out of the potion and he discovers that she’s old enough to be his mother.  Fear not!  It turns out that David has been drinking the potion as well!  He’s actually in his 50s and his fantasy was to be reunited with the nurse who looked after him when he injured himself as a young man!  To be honest, the twist felt a little bit too convenient and the old-age makeup worn by both Canova and Ladd was not particularly convincing.  There was also an oddly played scene in which Helen’s ex-fiancé (played by Dave Madden) came to the Island searching for her but then promptly left when he discovered that Helen and David were in love.  On the plus side, I did like the psychedelic Mr. Roarke scene.

As for Tattoo, he resorts to disguising himself as a vampire in his attempt to scare off his bully.

Later, when it is time to bid farewell to this week’s guests, Tattoo shows up wearing dark glasses because his bully gave him a black eye.  Mr. Roarke finally shows some concern about the fact that someone is harassing his assistant manager.  However, when Tattoo reveals that his bully is a chimpanzee wearing boxing gloves, Mr. Roarke laughs and laughs.

Seriously, Mr. Roarke really hates his second-in-command.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.19 “Spending Spree/The Hunted”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we’ve got a weird one!

Episode 2.19 “Spending Spree/The Hunted”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on February 24th, 1979)

What a weird episode!  This week, we have two fantasies, neither one of which belongs with the other.

The first fantasy is this silly thing where two best friends win a shopping spree.  In order to win a bigger prize, Sally Glover (Diana Canova) and Esther Bolling (Lola Falana) have to spend several thousand dollars in Fantasy Island’s shopping district.

(It’s always strange to me how some episodes present Fantasy Island as being a resort while others present it as being a thriving little nation with its own economy, culture, cities, and villages.  If you’re a citizen of Fantasy Island who doesn’t work for Mr. Roarke, do you still call the place Fantasy Island or does it have a real name?  Do you tell people, “I was born on Fantasy Island but then I came to mainland when I was 11 to study the culinary arts?”  My hope is that the natives of Fantasy Island are called Fantasians.)

Sally and Esther are excited to spend their money but then Mr. Roarke adds a twist.  They will be competing against each other.  The first one to spend all of her money gets a prize.  The other one gets nothing.  If they both fail to spend all of their money, they both lose.  So, of course, Sally and Esther go crazy competing against each other.  In the end, though, they both realize that they would rather be friends than for one of them to be a loser.

That’s a nice message but I’m really not sure what their fantasy was to begin with.  It seems like Mr. Roarke invited two lifelong friends to the Island and then decided to play games with them for his own amusement.  In this episode, we get a return of the vaguely sinister Mr. Roarke who appeared in some of the early first season episodes.

Speaking of sinister, the other fantasy involves Stuart Whitman in the role of Charles Wesley, the world’s most famous big game hunter.  (I assume he inherited the title after Darren McGavin died last season.)  Whitman’s fantasy is to take part in a great adventure.  So, Mr. Roarke hands Wesley a camera and tells him to “shoot a picture” of dictator General Lin Shun (James Shigeta).  General Lin Shun rules the national of Chung Tu with an iron fist but he apparently spends all of his time at his compound of Fantasy Island.

Wesley gets the picture but also gets captured by Lin Shun’s men.  Lin Shun explains that he will now hunt Wesley through the jungles of Fantasy Island.  It’s like a game.  In fact, you might call it The World’s Most Dangerous Game!  Wesley learns what it’s like to be hunted.  Fortunately, at the last minute, Col. Chen (Khigh Dhiegh), the general’s aide, turns against Lin Shun and arrests him.  Interestingly enough, it appears that Mr. Roarke is the one who told the colonel to arrest Lin Shun and take over the nation of Chung Tu.  Charles Wesley tosses away his rifle and swears that he’ll never hunt again but I’m more interested in the fact that Mr. Roarke has apparently taken over another country.

Like I said, this was a weird episode.  The shopping spree stuff didn’t really seem to fit in with Stuart Whitman desperately running through the jungle.  This episode also found Mr. Roarke in an uncommonly manipulative and foul mood.  This episode left me wondering just what exactly is going on behind the scenes of the resort.

Maybe we’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Review: Love Boat 1.21 “Taking Sides/Going By The Book/A Friendly Little Game”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time to once again experience the magic of The Love Boat!

Episode 1.21 “Taking Sides/Going By The Book/A Friendly Little Game”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on February 18th, 1978)

This week’s episode begins with the extremely nerdy Howard Wilson (Harvey Jason) preparing to board the ship.  Before he does so, he’s approached by his best friend, Bernie (Paul Sylvan).  Bernie gives Howard a book on how to talk to women.  Apparently, this is something that Howard’s not good at but Bernie swears that the book will change his life.  There’s a Roy Lichtenstein-style picture of a man and a woman kissing on the cover of the book so Howard decides that Bernie knows what he’s talking about.

On the boat, Howard immediately notices Sheila Lawrence (Georgia Engel).  However, Sheila’s overprotective father (Herb Voland) has specifically asked Captain Stubing to make sure that no one seduces his daughter.  The captain assigns Doc Bricker (Bernie Kopell) to keep an eye on her, which makes absolutely no sense.  Over the course of the last twenty episodes, Doc has yet to meet a woman who he has not hit on.  Doc is a walking HR nightmare and quite frankly, I would be kind of uncomfortable going to him for a medical examination.  He seems like he would be a little bit handsy, if you get my drift.

Anyway, Doc turns out to be pretty bad at his job because Howard still manages to hit on Sheila.  Of course, Howard’s just doing what the book tells him to do.  Eventually, though, he realizes that he doesn’t need the book and Shelia realizes that she needs to spend more time on her own happiness and stop worry about what her father wants.  Yay!  It’s another Love Boat success story,

Meanwhile, Scott (Robert Urich) and Ellen (Diana Canova) are newlyweds who seem to be totally in love until they make the mistake of having dinner with an old married couple, Max (Robert Mandan) and Gladys (Audrey Meadows).  Listening to Max and Gladys bicker soon leads to Scott and Ellen bickering and it looks like their marriage might be over.  But again, the magic of The Love Boat leads to everyone realizing that bickering is a part of marriage and that you can still love someone even if you disagree with them.  Yay!  Robert Urich and Diana Canova were such a cute couple.  They just looked like they belonged together.

Finally, poor old Wendell Snead (Harry Morgan) is taking his wife on a cruise that he can’t really afford.  In fact, he secretly took out a mortgage on their house in order to buy the tickets.  Wendell has plan, though!  He has a set of marked playing cards and he beats Gopher at several games of gin rummy.  When the crew discovers that he’s been cheating, their initial reaction is to cheat back.  But when they learn why he’s been cheating, they give him all the money from the ship’s emergency fund.  Awwwwww!

This was a sweet episode.  Yes, the stuff with the book and the overprotective father was pretty stupid but the other two stories were entertaining.  Harry Morgan’s melancholy performance was the episode’s stand-out.  The fact that the crew gave him money instead of calling the cops brought tears to my mismatched eyes.  Nicely done, Love Boat.

What will happen next week?  We’ll find out in seven days!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.2 “The Big Dipper/The Pirate”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles!  How silly can things get this week?

Episode 2.2 “The Big Dipper/The Pirate”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on September 23rd, 1978)

Pete Raymond (Dan Rowan) and his daughter, Harmony (Jill Whelan), are professional pickpockets who are hiding out from a determined NYPD Detective named Broylan (Cameron Mitchell).  What better place to hide than Fantasy Island?  After stealing a ticket to the island from a reverend, Pete discovers that “his” fantasy is to work on a farm.  Of course, as you probably already guessed, the fantasy is actually Harmony’s.  She wants her father to calm down and live a normal life, away from committing crimes and fleeing the police.  At first, farmwork seems to agree with Pete but then Broylan shows up on the island.

I’ve often wondered about the legal status of Fantasy Island.  Is it an independent nation or is it territory of the United States or a member of the Commonwealth?  Some of the episodes during the first season suggested that Fantasy Island was a territory of the United States.  However, in this episode, Roarke reminds Broylan that the NYPD has no jurisdiction in Fantasy Island and that the island is not required to turn anyone over to America.  Pete is eventually arrested but Mr. Roarke explains that the Fantasy Island magistrate has ruled that Pete and Harmony can stay on the island and work on the farm.  When Broylan demands to know who the magistrate is, Mr. Roarke replies that he is.  So, apparently, we are now back to Fantasy Island being a separate nation where Mr. Roarke makes and interprets all of the laws.

The legal status of Fantasy Island was probably the most interesting thing about this fantasy.  It’s always fun to see Cameron Mitchell playing an obsessed cop but Dan Rowan gives a lousy performance as Pete and it’s never really clear how Harmony was able to set up the fantasy in the first place.  I mean, it obviously took a lot of planning on her part.  Did Mr. Roarke charge her the full price or is she another one of the freeloaders that Tattoo is always complaining about?

The show’s other fantasy is even more ridiculous and, not coincidentally, it’s also a lot more fun.  Painter Ted Cavanaugh (Sonny Bono) is upset that his ex-wife Mary (Diana Canova) is going to be marrying some stuffy rich guy so he asks to be transformed into an 18th century pirate so that he can kidnap Mary and convince her that she’s still in love with him.  WHAT!?  It’s totally completely ludicrous but …. I don’t know.  Sonny Bono is kind of funny as a pirate.  If you’re going to have a silly fantasy, you might as well go out and make it as silly as humanly possible and that’s definitely what happens here.  Fortunately, it all works out in the end.  Who can resist a pirate?

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.7 “Julie’s Old Flame / The Jinx / The Identical Problem”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love, exciting and new!

Let it go, it floats back to you!

We all float down here!

Episode 1.7 “Julie’s Old Flame / The Jinx / The Identical Problem”

(Directed by Don Weis, originally aired on November 12th, 1977)

The Love Boat is jinxed!

Or, at least, that’s what the crew assumes when they meet Horace and Henrietta McDonald (played by Ray Bolger and Harriet Nelson).  Horace and Henrietta first met when they were children and they’ve been in love ever since.  In fact, they met each other on a cruise.  Unfortunately, that cruise was the Titanic!

(Remember, when this episode aired, it had been 65 years since the Titanic sank.  So, there were still a few elderly survivors around.)

Anyway, the crew worries that Horace and Henrietta might bring bad luck with them and, before you know it, everyone’s getting injured.  Doc Bricker gets hit by a door and ends up having to wear a bandage on his head.  Gopher trips in the lounge.  Isaac gets whiplash after falling in the pool.  Julie ends up wearing an eye patch.  To be honest, I think the crew is just clumsy.

While the crew is trying not to die, identical twins Ellen and Helen (Diana Canova) are trying to keep the crew from realizing that they’re both on the boat.  (They only bought one ticket.)  One of the twins falls in love with Doc Bricker.  The other can’t stand him.  Bricker being Bricker, he really doesn’t care how the twins feel about him.  He just wants to get laid.  Still, Bricker spend most of the episode very confused and very afraid of the Titanic jinx.

Meanwhile, Julie is shocked when she discovers that Buddy Stanfield (David Hedison) is on the cruise!  Buddy is a wealthy and handsome attorney and he’s also Julie’s former lover.  They had a whirlwind romance in Paris but then Julie discovered that Buddy was married and her heart was broken.  Now, Buddy claims that he’s divorced and Julie starts to fall for him again.  It’s pretty obvious that Buddy is lying but who can blame Julie when he’s played by the classy and suave David Hedison.  Hedison played Felix Leiter in Live and Let Die and License to Kill.  In between dealing with the jinx, the crew tries to proect Julie from Buddy.  Of course, Buddy’s wife eventually shows up but at least Julie has her friends to support her!

Anyway, this was a pretty predictable episode and the plot with the twins was way too silly to believed.  It didn’t help that the twins appeared to be in their early 20s while Doc Bricker is in his 40s at least.  But David Hedison was a perfect cad and Ray Bolger (who, of course, is best-remembered for playing the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz) and Harriet Nelson were an adorable couple.  This episode was nothing special but it was still enjoyable while it lasted.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 1.1 “Escape” / “Cinderella Girls”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1996.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, smiles, everyone….

Episode 1.1 “Escape/Cinderalla Girls”

(Directed by Don Weis, originally aired on January 28th, 1978)

Last week, while reviewing the Fantasy Island pilot, I commented on the fact that Mr. Roarke seemed to be a bit sinister, almost as if he took delight in the idea of mortals discovering that their fantasies weren’t as wonderful as they were expecting.

In the first regular episode of Fantasy Island, it’s made clear that, while Mr. Roarke may occasionally act like he doesn’t care, it’s only to teach a lesson.

When internationally renowned stage musician Gregory Udall (Bert Convy) requests that he be allowed to perform the world’s greatest escape, Mr. Roarke doesn’t appear to be the least bit concerned when Udall is transported to Devil’s Island, the infamous French island prison.  Devil’s Island was known for being escape proof.  It was also known for being harsh even by the prison standards.  75% of the people sentenced to Devil’s Island died before their sentence ended.  When Udall reaches the island, he discovers that the Warden (Reggie Nadler, best-known for playing the vampire in Salem’s Lost) doesn’t care whether he lives or dies.  He’s also told, by another prisoner named Ipsy Dauphin (Robert Clary), that Mr. Roarke regularly abandons people at the prison!

After Udall’s first escape fails, he is visited in the island’s infirmary by Mr. Roarke himself.  Udall says that he’s ready to give up and opt out of the fantasy.  Mr. Roarke informs him that failure is not an option.  He also suggests that Udall enjoy his cigarette because….

Agck!

Fear not, though, Mr. Roarke is not evil.  Instead, he’s just giving Udall the extra push that he needs to not only successfully escape from the prison but to take Ipsy with him as well.  Udall not only gets his confidence back but he also saves another human being.  Mr. Roarke may have seemed harsh but it was only to make sure that everyone got something out of the fantasy.  As well, it’s revealed that Ipsy was not actually prisoner but was instead Fantasy Island’s head chef.

Mr. Roarke is far more cheerful in the episode’s other fantasy.  Georgia Engel and Diana Canova want to know what it’s like to be wealthy so they not only get makeovers but they also get a lot of new clothes.  Of course, being wealthy also means that they’ll be expected to bid at a charity auction that is being held on Fantasy Island.  (Apparently, Fantasy Island also doubles as a resort for people who don’t have fantasies but just want to spend the weekend hanging out by the pool.)  Georgia Engel ends up running away with a prince.  Diana Canova falls in love with an idealistic doctor who is played by John Saxon.  Does the doctor care that she doesn’t actually have any money?  Fortunately, it turns out that the doctor is poor himself.  Yay!

As you may have guessed, the first episode was a strange mismash of tones.  On the one hand, you had a silly but sweet story about two friends who wanted to pretend to be rich.  On the other hand, you’ve got a harsh prison story featuring Reggie Nadler as a desiccated villain and uber-70s actor Bert Convy as a stage musician.  It really shouldn’t work but it does, largely because the idea of the island is so appealing and Ricardo Montalban seems to be having fun in the role of Mr. Roarke.  Plus, who can resist John Saxon pretending to be from Texas?

The premiere episode got Fantasy Island off to a good start!  Would that continue next week?