Horror Film Review: American Nightmares (dir by Darin Scott and Rusty Cundieff)


I’m always a little bit cautious about anthology films.  There’s been a few that I’ve liked.  (I recently enjoyed Tales From Parts Unknown, for instance.)  But most of the time, horror anthology films tend to leave me feeling rather disappointed.  The good segments always seem as if they’re too short while the bad segments seem to go on forever and it’s hard not to feel that the only reason the film was made was because the filmmakers couldn’t be bothered to come up with a full-length story.  Plus, there’s always some wrap-around segment and, more often than not, it’s usually kind of stupid and it leaves you feeling as if the film wasted the talents of whoever it was they hired to host the film.

And that brings us to American Nightmares.

In American Nightmares, two dorky guys who might as well have millennial tattooed on their foreheads, find their perusal of internet porn interrupted by the appearance of Mr. Malevolent (Danny Trejo), who proceeds to introduce not one, not two, not three, but SEVEN stories about terrible Americans getting their just deserts.  The two dorky guys are rather blase about it all, being more concerned with watching twerking videos than really considering Mr. Malevolent’s stories about hypocritical people getting what they deserve.

Some of the stories are okay but there’s seven of them so it’s hard not to feel that the film is overstuffed.  Plus, when you’ve got seven stories in one film, it just takes one or two clunkers to make the whole thing feel pointless.  For instance, the first story — which deals with the perfect man and what he turns out to be — is okay and the second story — about a D.A. getting bitten by karma — is cartoonish but crudely effective.  But then you hit the third story — which is about racists going to a fantasy world where “no blacks” are allowed — and the story is so heavy-handed, poorly acted, and slow that you kind of tune out.  You end up ignoring several of the stories that come after because that third one was so dumb and poorly executed.

Danny Trejo is not a bad choice to play the host of a horror anthology.  As is always the case with Danny Trejo, he brings a lot of energy to the role and he seems to be having a great time.  His co-host is Nicelle Nichols, of Star Trek fame.  She doesn’t get to do much other than nod approvingly as Trejo introduces each story.  The stories themselves are full of familiar faces, though the film could hardly be called “all-star.”  Instead, it’s more like, “Here’s a bunch of people who you might recognize and who needed the money.”  In other words, the film is full of people like Jay Mohr, Chris Kattan, Vivica A. Fox, and Brendan Sexton III.  Most of them give rather broad performances, as if they want to make sure you know that they’re just appearing in this movie as a favor to someone and not because they were desperate for work.  It’s a bit like Movie 43, just with a less prestigious cast and more dead babies.

Anyway. American Nightmares is not particularly good.  It’s overstuffed with stories and none of the stories are really as clever as the film seems to think that they are.  Danny Trejo, though, is a badass.

 

Let’s Talk About Deep Blue Sea 2 (dir by Darin Scott)


So, today was the first day of SyFy’s final Sharknado week.  Leading up to next Sunday’s premiere of The Last Sharknado, SyFy is not only going to be rebroadcasting some of their classic shark films but they’re also going to be premiering a new film every night of the week.

(I’m in Killer Shark Heaven!  Yes, the real one…)

They got things started tonight with Deep Blue Sea 2.

Now, before anything else, I should clarify that Deep Blue Sea 2 made its television premiere tonight but the movie itself has actually been out for a while.  As opposed to the Sharknado films, Deep Blue Sea 2 was not specifically produced for or by the SyFy Network.  Instead, the production honors go to Warner Bros, the same company that distributed the first Deep Blue Sea.  Way back in April, Deep Blue Sea 2 was released on Blu-ray, DVD, Digital HD, and VOD and it actually did quite well for a straight-to-video release.  There were enough fans of the original film that the sequel was able to rank in the top 10 of VOD releases for two straight weeks.

So, Deep Blue Sea 2 was not produced by the Asylum.  Perhaps it would have been better if it had been.

Deep Blue Sea 2 retells the basic story of Deep Blue Sea, just on a much smaller level.  Whereas Deep Blue Sea featured an army of big, scary sharks, the sequel features one really big shark and a bunch of baby sharks, all of which are cute but deadly.  Whereas the first film was distinguished by detailed set design that gave the underwater laboratory a lived-in feel, the sequel features a lab that is frequently so dark and underlit that I often had a hard time distinguishing one actor from another.  Whereas the first film features recognizable actors like Samuel L. Jackson and Stellan Skarsgard getting eaten by sharks, the sequel features a cast that, with the exception of Michael Beach, is largely unknown.

And while the entire cast is undeniably talented and does the best that they can with what they’ve been given to work with, everyone in the film is playing a type.  Michael Beach is Durant, the pharmaceutical billionaire who, despite what happened in the first film, is breeding super intelligent sharks and drinking their blood.  (You read that right.)  Danielle Savre is Misty Calhoun, the shark conservationist who thinks that mankind is to blame for all the troubles in the world.  Rob Mayes is Trent Slater, the Navy SEAL who knows how to fight sharks.  Nathan Lynn is Aaron, the nerdy virgin computer guy.  Kim Syster and Jeremy Jess Boado are the obviously doomed married couple.  Darron Myer is the guy who you know is going to die as soon as you notice that he doesn’t take off his tie, even when he’s in an underwater lab.  And then you have Cameron Robertson as the guy who sticks his arm down a shark’s throat and Adrian Collins as the diver who thinks it’s a good idea to taunt sharks that can literally jump out of the water and bite your head off.

Of course, as soon as everyone’s in the lab, the super smart sharks rebel and the majority of the cast ends up getting eaten.  There’s no big shock there.  Some of the gore effects are well-done.  Faces are ripped off with panache and one unfortunate victim falls apart as soon as he’s pulled out of the water.  Michael Beach has a lot of fun with the role of the ranting Durant and it was impossible not to smile whenever he would smirk off Misty’s outrage.  For the most part, though, Deep Blue Sea 2 moved too slowly and didn’t feature enough shark action.  That said, I think this is the first shark film that I’ve ever seen in which the sharks actually growl at people and that’s got to be worth something.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #19: I Know Where Lizzie Is (dir by Darin Scott)


(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th!  Will she make it?  Considering that she only has a day left, probably not.  But keep checking the site to find out!)

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I recorded I Know Where Lizzie Is off of the Lifetime Movie Network on July 31st.  I also watched it while recording it and it’s a pretty good thing I did because, as the result of a glitch with the DVR, I only recorded the final hour!  So, when you read this review, be aware that at least half of it is being done on the basis of my possibly faulty memory.

I Know Where Lizzie Is is a hybrid of two popular Lifetime genres.  On the one hand, you have an abducted child storyline.  Teenager Lizzie Holden (Madison Iseman) has a fight with her mom, sneaks out of the house, and never comes home.  Her amicably divorced parents, Judith (Tracey Gold) and Martin (Richard Rucculo), desperately try to track down their daughter.  What they don’t know is that Lizzie is being held prisoner by a man wearing what appears to be a Michael Myers mask.

I Know Where Lizzie Is is also an unwanted guest film.  In an unwanted guest film, a seemingly friendly but secretly malicious stranger moves into an otherwise stable household and tries to destroy the family unit.  In the case of I Know Where Lizzie Is, the stranger is a phony psychic named Tracy (Nadia Bjorlin).  Tracy shows up and claims that she’s had visions of Lizzie.  She knows where Lizzie is!  Of course, the reason that Tracy knows all of this is because she’s in on the kidnapping.

(Before you start screaming at me about spoilers, this is all revealed early on in the film.)

On top of all that, I Know Where Lizzie Is is also an anti-media film.  A somewhat smarmy reporter (Robert Scott Wilson) also movies into the Holden household and he is soon providing nearly 24 hour coverage of the Holdens, the kidnappers, and especially Tracy.   I imagine that a lot of viewers will probably respond to the anti-media message.  I mean, the media is pretty much everyone’s favorite scapegoat at the moment, right?

(It’s hard to believe that just 9 months ago, Spotlight was winning best picture and everyone was talking about how much they loved the media.  It’s amazing how quickly things change.)

Anyway, I Know Where Lizzie Is was very much a typical Lifetime film and how much you enjoy it will depend on how much you enjoy Lifetime films in general.  On the plus side, both Robert Scott Wilson and Nadia Bjorlin did well with their untrustworthy characters.  Plus, the kidnapper in the mask was genuinely creepy!

If you like Lifetime movies, keep an eye out for it.

Cleaning Out The DVR, Again #26: The Maid (dir by Darin Scott)


(Lisa is currently in the process of trying to clean out her DVR by watching and reviewing all 40 of the movies that she recorded from the start of March to the end of June.  She’s trying to get it all done by July 11th!  Will she make it!?  Keep visiting the site to find out!)

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The 26th film on my DVR was The Maid, which I recorded off of Lifetime on May 28th.

According to the imdb, The Maid is also known as A Housekeeper’s Revenge.  Regardless of which one you go with, both titles reveal this to be a Lifetime film.  That’s one thing that I always find interesting about Lifetime films — everyone always has a beautiful house and, naturally, everyone always has either a maid or a housekeeper.  I guess I find it interesting because very few of the people I know can afford to have a full-time maid, though I did once date this guy who was going to SMU where the school’s motto might as well be, “Our maid went to UT.”  When you get down to it, there are very few Lifetime films about poor people, unless the film is about somebody overcoming poverty so that they can go to Harvard or marry a professional athlete.

And I’m not complaining!  Lifetime is all about crowd-pleasing entertainment and, for the most part, we would all love to live in a big house with a great kitchen.  I know that most people would want to have a housekeeper or a maid.  Not me, though.  I like cleaning.

Anyway, in the case of this film, the maid is Colleen (Fay Masterson).  Colleen has just been hired to work for the Blackwell family!  Paul Blackwell (Lance Irwin) has just married a woman who is several years younger than him and, while they’re on their honeymoon, Paul’s angry, college student daughter, Laura (Kathryn Newton), has been left alone in the house with Colleen.  What could go wrong, right?

Well, a lot could go wrong.  If nothing went wrong, it would be a very boring movie.  Laura has had some trouble back at college.  Her boyfriend apparently got really possessive and then Laura started to receive threatening emails.  Even after returning home after her father’s wedding, strange things continue to happen.  Someone hacks into Laura’s Facerange (to use the Degrassi equivalent of Facebook) account and changes her password.  Someone is passing out flyers that announce that Laura’s a slut.  Her dog mysteriously disappears…

Could it be Laura’s ex or it could be … THE MAID!?

It turns out that Colleen has secrets of her own.  Her developmentally disabled son committed suicide, shortly after one of his high school classmates stood him up on a date.  Is it possible that Colleen is trying to destroy Laura?

Of course, it’s possible…

The Maid is pretty much a standard Lifetime film but that’s why I enjoyed it.  This is one of those totally over-the-top films where everyone is either bitter or crazy or both.  You won’t believe the plot for a second but you’ll be having so much fun with all the melodramatic twists and turns that it won’t matter.  Fay Masterson especially deserves a lot of credit for fully committing herself to playing the title character.  When she glares at the rich people that she’s planning on destroying, you never forget it.

And don’t worry,  It’s a made-for-TV movie so you know the dog’s going to be okay.

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What Lisa Watched Last Night #112: Megachurch Murder (dir by Darin Scott)


Earlier tonight, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Megachurch Murder!

MCMWhy Was I Watching It?

First off, it was on Lifetime.  And secondly, I had read that the film was supposedly based on Hamlet!

What Was It About?

Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark … Denmark, Georgia that is.  Shortly after resisting the efforts of Michael Beach to expand his church, Pastor Malcolm Jamal-Warner dies under mysterious circumstances.  Soon, Beach is having an affair with the pastor’s widow (Tamala Jones) and the pastor’s daughter (Shanica Knowles) is convinced that there’s been a murder.  Complicating things: Knowles is dating Beach’s son, Romeo Miller.

What Worked?

To be honest, the best thing about Megachurch Murder were the tweets.  This is one of those films that seemed to bring out the best of twitter.

I appreciated that the film pretended to be based on Hamlet, even though the story itself had next to nothing in common with Shakespeare’s play.  That said, two youth group leaders did show up as the Megachurch Murder equivalents of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Most of the actors seemed to just be going through the motions but Michael Beach did a good job in the role of Clay King.  He made for a great villain.

What Did Not Work?

All through the movie, whenever Hannah had to get away from it all, she always went to the exact same bridge.  At first, it was funny that she was always standing on that bridge.  But, after the 20th scene on that bridge, I started to wonder why nobody else in the town of Denmark ever seemed to use the bridge.  Finally, by the time that Clay was demanding to know where Hannah was, I found myself shouting at the TV, “She’s on the bridge!  She’s always on the damn bridge!”

Plus,  Romeo Miller … actually, to be honest, I think Romeo Miller could give a good performance if cast in the right role.  But, in this film, I kept expecting him to start talking about ICDC college.  Whenever he was comforting Hannah, I kept waiting for him to say, “You can major in criminal justice or homeland security…”

Finally, I was surprised to discover that, at the end of the film, people were still attending the church.  After three violent deaths, I’d probably change parishes.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

To be honest, and no one is more shocked by this than me, this is probably the first Lifetime film that I’ve ever watched that featured absolutely no moments that made me go, “Oh my God!  Just like me!”  I guess it’s because I was raised Catholic and didn’t have to deal with any murders while I was growing up.

It is true that, much like Hannah, I did go through my rebellious phase and I would snap at any adult who tried to speak to me.  However, Hannah had an excuse.  She was dealing with her father’s murder whereas, in my case, I was just a brat.  So, it really doesn’t count as a “OMG!  Just like me!” moment.

Lessons Learned

Big church = murder.

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