Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.18 “The Devil Stick/Touch and Go”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

It’s time to go back to the Island.  Smiles, everyone, smiles!

Episode 6.18 “The Devil Stick/Touch and Go”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on March 19th, 1983)

I had mixed feelings about this episode.

On the one hand, we do learn a little bit about Tattoo’s past in this episode.  We discover that he lived in Paris before coming to Fantasy Island and becoming Roarke’s assistant and we learn that he may have been a taxi driver.  At one point, his life was saved by a woman named Susan Henderson (Georgia Engel).  To repay her, Tattoo arranges for Susan to come to the Island so that she can pursue her fantasy of getting concert pianist Carter Ransome (Bernie Kopell — who I love on The Love Boat but who is just plain miscast here) to fall in love with her.  Even though Roarke says it will only be for the weekend, Susan is okay with that.  Of course, things get complicated.  Roarke also asks Tattoo how he plans to pay for the fantasy.  Since when does Roarke care about money?  Seriously, after all of the free fantasies that he’s handed out!?  Give Tattoo a break, Roarke!

On the other hand, this fantasy featured Georgia Engel.  Georgia Engel was an actress who specialized in playing very nice women who rarely spoke above a whisper.  Ever since I’ve started doing these retro television reviews, I’ve watched countless episodes featuring Georgia Engel as quirky women who refuse to speak above a whisper.  At first, it didn’t bother me.  Then I watched Jennifer Slept Here, a short-lived sitcom co-starring Georgia Engel.  It was while watching Jennifer Slept Here that I found myself yelling, “SPEAK UP!” whenever Georgia Engel appeared onscreen.

I feel bad because Georgia Engel, in every role that I’ve seen her play, came across as being a genuinely kind soul but the whispering thing …. oh my God, it just annoys the Hell out of me.  And that was certainly the case with this episode.  It was nice to learn more about Tattoo’s life and I’m glad that everyone found love but I’m sick of having to strain to understand or even hear the dialogue whenever Georgia Engel guest stars on one of these shows.

The other fantasy, I liked a bit more.  Carl Peters (Dean Butler) comes to Fantasy Island to meet a woman who has loved for afar, Hallie Miller (Crystal Bernard).  It turns out that Hallie lives on a village on the other side of the Island.  Roarke warns that it’s a weird village that’s never gotten over the execution of a witch several centuries earlier.  At first, I was like, “Since when is there a town on the other side of the Island?” but then I remembered that, during the first season, there was a whole fantasy that took place in fishing village that happened to be on the Island.  Anyway, this fantasy is supernatural-themed and I always like it when Fantasy Island embraces its supernatural origins.

It was an uneven trip to the Island this week but what can I say?  I like island trips!

 

Retro Television Reviews: The Master 1.3 “State of the Union”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Master, which ran on NBC from January to August of 1984. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, The Master stands up for the working man!

Episode 1.3 “State of the Union”

(Dir by Alan Myerson, originally aired on February 3rd, 1984)

“Hi, I’m Max Keller and this is how I start my morning.”

So begins yet another episode of The Master!  This time, McAllister (Lee Van Cleef) is forcing Max (Timothy Van Patten) to start his day by running.  McAllister says that it’s a part of Max’s ninja training but I think it’s more a case of McAllister just seeing how many stupid things he can force Max to do before Max says, “Enough!”

This week finds Max and McAllister in Clearwater, California.  In order to make a little money, Max enters a dirt bike race.  It turns out that Max is very well-known on the dirt bike circuit and he even runs into an old friend named Hog (Mickey Jones) at the race.  Hog only shows up for a few minutes.  He shakes Max’s hand, jokes about the fact that Max is traveling with a hamster and a weird old man, and then he pretty much disappears from the episode.

McAllister watches the race while stroking Max’s pet hamster.

Try to get that image out of your head.

Anyway, Max does not win the race.  Instead, the race is won by Carrie Brown (Crystal Bernard).  At the finish line, Carrie is nearly run over by one her competitors, Chad Webster (Cotter Smith).  Chad is the son of the owner of the local cannery.  It turns out that Carrie also works at the cannery. Max takes an immediate liking to Carrie and decides that he should also get a job at the cannery.

McAllister points out that Carrie is attractive.  Max replies, “Does your ninja training make you immune to such things?”  McAllister shrugs.  It’s kind of an odd scene.

Anyway, at the cannery, Max quickly learns that there’s more to Carrie than just 80s hair and dirt bike racing.  Carrie is also a union organizer!  She’s carrying on her late brother’s dream of unionizing the cannery.  This largely means handing out flyers and encouraging people to go to a meeting. 

How bad are things at the cannery?  They’re so bad that an older worker gets crushed by a palette.  Fortunately, McAllister and Max show up just in time to help out.  Through the use of one of his magic throwing ticks, McAllister is able to send the palette crashing into the ocean.  While Max proceeds to flirt with Carrie, attentive viewers will see the worker — who is now probably crippled for life — being carried away in the background.  Despite having saved the guy’s life, neither Max nor McAllister ever ask about him again.

Anyway, you know where all this is heading.  Carrie wants to unionize the workers.  Chad and his buddies try to intimidate the workers into not joining the union.  At a meeting at the local church, Max gives a speech about how the workers have to get organized.  There are plenty of fights and car chases and yet another bar brawl.  That Max just can’t say out of trouble!

McAllister also joins Max on the dirt bike so that he can throw ninja stars at the bad guys.  This leads to some pretty bad rear projection shots.

In the end, Chad is revealed to have murdered Carrie’s brother.  The cannery votes to unionize and Max and McAllister promptly leave town because even they know better than to work at a union shop.  Though it’s not specifically stated, I imagine that the cannery probably closed two months and Carrie ended up following in the lead footsteps of Jimmy Hoffa.

This episode was a bit silly, largely because neither perky Crystal Bernard nor perpetually mush-mouth Tim Van Patten were believable as firebrand labor activists.  Lee Van Cleef seemed to be largely bored with the whole thing.  Fortunately, next week’s episode features a guest appearance from George Lazenby so maybe that will liven things up on The Master.

We’ll find out soon!

The SPM Trilogy Revisited : “Slumber Party Massacre II”


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By 1987, I’m not sure that anyone was expecting Roger Corman to trot out a sequel to The Slumber Party Massacre. Sure, the movie had gained something of a cult following thanks to the VHS rental market (it did rather middling business at the box office upon its initial release), but it had been a few years and since most “slasher” sequels at the time tended to pop up within a year or two of the first flick (heck, that’s pretty much still the case), I think it’s pretty safe to say that the general feeling at the time was  that SPM was a one-and-done deal.

We all should have known better, or course. When you’ve got an ultra-simple premise that can be filmed cheaply and quickly using just a couple of different locations, and the original turned a profit (however modest), then there’s no way Corman’s not gonna go back to that well at some point. And so it came to pass that, five years on from its progenitor, Slumber Party Massacre II saw the light of day.

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Needless to say, times had changed in the half-decade between the two films. While not strictly a straight-to-video release since Corman was still pulling together limited theatrical runs for all his product at the time (mostly in the Southern California area), those were really just a clevver way to essentially pull “focus group” test audiences together (and have them pay for the privilege of being guinea pigs rather than vice-versa!) to make sure the end result more or less had the effect on folks that it was supposed to. Pretty much all the action for the second Slumber Party Massacre was going to be on home video, and ol’ Roger knew it  — hence a smaller cast, fewer sets, and, I’m willing to bet, probably an even smaller budget (at least in terms of adjusted-for-inflation dollars). Heck, this thing even clocks in with a slightly shorter run time than its predecessor, if you can believe that, at a paltry 75 minutes!

One thing about the SPM modus operandi that Corman didn’t change, though, was hiring a young, relatively fresh-outta-film-school woman to direct the thing, his hire in those case being one Deborah Brock, who also wrote the script.

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To Brock’s credit, she tried to do something a little bit different — and, dare I say, maybe even a little bit more ambitious — than the average low-budget, essentially-DTV slasher sequel allows for with this movie. To her discredit, what she tried doesn’t exactly work. To wit:

Our story here centers around a young gal named Courtney (Crystal Bernard, who would go on to star on the long-running TV sitcom Wings), who just so happens to be the younger sister of the “final girl” from the first Slumber Party Massacre flick. Courtney fronts an all-girl rock band (gotta vary it up from the high school basketball team premise at least a little bit) that’s headed to a rental condo for weekend of fun n’ semi-naked games with their boyfriends. There’s just one problem, though — she’s also been suffering from horribly vivid nightmares involving things like refrigerated whole chickens coming to life and her friend’s acne boiling, pulsating, throbbing, and eventually exploding all over the place. The one constant in all of these bad dreams, though, is an unnamed “devil rocker” (he’s referred to in the credits only as the “Driller Killer” and is played by Atanas Ilitch, who looks more than just a bit like a young Andrew Dice Clay) who terrorizes Courtney and her gal pals with a murderously-retrofitted guitar that’s equipped with a long, uber- phallic (again) power-drill for a neck.

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Needless to say, once the weekend revelries get going, things don’t go quite as planned, and Courtney, her fellow girl-group rockers, and their fellas are soon experiencing a very violent reduction in their numbers at the hands of the “driller killer,” who turns out to be very real indeed.

Or is he? And that, my friends, is the crux of Slumber Party II‘s problem in a nutshell (besides the fact that the “real” killings don’t start taking place until just after the halfway point of the flick). At first, the whole “is this the real life, is this just fantasy?” (sorry, Freddie!) gimmick is kinda neat, but it definitely starts to wear on the average viewer’s nerves after awhile, and Brock’s decision not to delineate in much of any way what’s actual from what isn’t ultimately makes for kind of a confusing experience. Still, you figure that in a genre this (for the most part) cut-and-dried, things are bound to make sense by the end, right?

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Well, not so fast. Brock throws us not one, not two, but three rapid-fire concluding twists that never end up leaving  us with a satisfactory explanation as to whether or not the events we’ve just witnessed “really” happened or not. When we finally learn that Courtney’s locked up in a loony bin, three distinct possibilities emerge —  either it  was all a dream-within-a-dream in her disturbed mind, or she killed all her friends and this “driller killer” is some alternate persona she’s created in order to absolve herself of any guilt, or it all actually happened, she survived, and the ordeal drove her over the brink. And when the “driller killer” pops up again right before the credits roll, this time in the sanitarium with Courtney, Brock doesn’t in the least bit clue us in as to whether he’s there in the flesh or only in her erstwhile heroine’s admittedly traumatized psyche.

Some folks might find this lack of anything even resembling a concrete resolution interesting, maybe even a bit exciting. Hell, we all like to think for ourselves, right? Unfortunately, Courtney and her cohorts are such a largely uninteresting lot that most of us can’t really be bothered to care all that much about solving this film’s wanna-be-mind-fucking puzzle. And the “driller killer” himself is so OTT, and stripped of any pretense of motivation for his murder n’ mayhem, that he never seems “real” enough to make the purported “mystery” all that involving. The whole thing rings both flat and hollow to this wannabe-critic, at the very least.

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Like the other pics in this soon-to-be-concluded little mini-round-up we’re doing here, Slumber Party Massacre II is available on a two-DVD set from Shout! Factory entitled, appropriately enough, “The Slumber Party Massacre Collection,” which is part of their larger “Roger Corman’s Cult Classics” series. It’s sporting a nicely-remastered widescreen transfer, has good 2.0 stereo sound, and there are extras aplenty including a fairly comprehensive little “making-of” featurette, a full-length commentary from writer/director Brock, a poster and still image gallery, the original theatrical trailer, some trailers for other flicks in this series, and a liner notes booklet by SPM historian Jason Paul Collum. While I may not consider this a great movie by any means, this is certainly a great DVD package.

Still,  ya know what? Flaws n’ all, I’d still go so far as to say that the film itself is at least worth a look. I do admire Brock for her willingness to break the mold and think outside of the usual slasher box. Her intentions for this flick strike me as being pretty solid, and as almost-innovative as her budget would allow for — she just fails in her execution. And let’s face it — a slasher movie that can’t execute properly is saddled with a problem it can never overcome.