Guilty Pleasure No. 42: Harper’s Island

Posted on October 8, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh my God, do you remember Harper’s Island!?

Way before The Walking Dead and American Horror Story made death and gore safe for mass consumption, Harper’s Island was the scariest show on television. I have to admit that, when I first heard about the show, I wasn’t expecting it to be. Way back in 2009, whenever the commercials for the show would air and that little girl would go, “One by one,” I would roll my eyes so hard that I once nearly gave myself a concussion.

“Really?” I would say, “A slasher television show where at least one person dies every week? And it’s going to be on network TV? There’s no way this is going to be bloody or scary enough to be worth watching.”

However, I did watch the first episode because I figured that I could at least be snarky about it on twitter. (I had joined just a few months before the show premiered. Harper’s Island was the first show that I ever live tweeted, even though I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as “live tweeting” way back then.) The episode opened with a man tied to the propeller of a boat, screaming as the engine started. The episode ended with Uncle Marty (played by special guest star Harry Hamlin) getting chopped in half by an unseen assailant.

“AGCK!” I said.

I was hooked from that episode on.

Believe it or not, Harper’s Island wasn’t just killings. It actually did tell a story, about a young woman named Abby (played by Elaine Cassidy) who returns to her childhood home, on Harper’s Island, for her best friend’s wedding. Many years ago, Abby’s mother was among those who was killed by a serial killer named John Wakefield. From the minute that Abby arrives, she feels that something bad is going to happen and it turns out that she’s right.

Of course, Abby’s not the only one on the island. There’s the other members of the wedding party. There’s the island’s inhabitants, the fishermen and the deputies and the cafe owner and the local reverend whose destined to lose his head in the woods. They’ve all got their quirks and subplots. Boisterous Malcolm (Chris Gauthier) is in desperate need of money. Local fisherman Jimmy (C.J. Thomason) is still in love with Abby. The groom, Henry (Christopher Gorham), has issues from his past that he needs to deal with. Some of them are likable. Some of them are annoying. Some of them, like spoiled Chloe (Cameron Richardson), are meant to be annoying but become likable as the series progresses.

And, in the end, none of their hopes and dreams really mattered because, by the end of the show, everyone was pretty much dead. The ads for Harper’s Island promised a bloodbath and that’s what the show delivered. It wasn’t just that at least one person died per week. It was also that they usually died in the most macabre and disturbing ways possible. This was the type of the show where the most likable groomsman ended up getting chopped into pieces and then tossed into an incinerator. Another wedding guest chose to drown herself rather than be attacked by the killer. Sometimes, the killers didn’t even have to be around for someone to get killed. Who can forget poor Booth (played by Sean Rogerson), accidentally shooting himself in the leg and bleeding out while America watched?

And yes, you did watch every week because you wanted to see who would be the next to die. (That’s where the guilty part of the pleasure comes in.) But you also watched because the show was produced and directed so well. The island was a wonderfully atmospheric location and the cast really committed themselves to bringing the show’s morbid reality to life. At the time, it was the darkest show on television and it could have been even darker because, originally, the plan was for the killer to get away with it. In the end, karma caught up with the killer but not before we were all traumatized upon discovering just who was responsible. Harper’s Island‘s mystery was as intriguing as its deaths were bloody.

Being ahead of its time, Harper’s Island struggled in the ratings and it was never a big hit with critics. But, with the help of Netflix and the the occasional marathon on SyFy, Harper’s Island‘s reputation has improved and grown over the years. Looking back, it’s easy to see that Harper’s Island was not only the forerunner to American Horror Story but it was also a far better series. American Horror Story tends to condescend to the horror, keeping the genre at arm’s length through misdirected pretension. It’s a show for people who think that they’re too good for horror. Harper’s Island, on the other hand, fully embraced both the horror and the melodrama and it did so without apology.

Seriously, what Halloween is complete without a trip to Harper’s Island?

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Spring Breakdown #3: Open Water 2: Adrift (dir by Hans Horn)

Posted on March 13, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2006 film, Open Water 2: Adrift, is a film about a group of people who are literally too stupid to live.

Now, that may sound like a harsh judgment but just consider what this film is about. A group of shallow friends get together for a birthday party on a yacht. They head out to the middle of the ocean. One-by-one, they all get into the water. One of the friends has been terrified of the water ever since her father drowned in front of her. She doesn’t want to get in the water so, of course, the owner of the boat picks her up and jumps overboard with her. With the exception of a sleeping infant, everyone is now in the water.

Oh! And guess what!

It didn’t occur to anyone to lower the ladder before getting in the ocean. That means there’s no way to get back on the boat! And now, everyone’s stuck in the water where they’ll presumably eventually die of either hypothermia or just general stupidity. They’ll also end up yelling at each other and arguing about whose fault it is. They’ll all discuss issues of wealth, religion, and envy. There’s nothing like a weighty theological discussion being conducted by a bunch of idiots floating in the ocean.

Of course, they do make a few attempts to get back on the boat. One guy tries to use a knife to climb back up the side of the boat but he just ends up getting stabbed instead. An attempt to grab hold of an American flag just leads to desecrated symbol of patriotism. One girl decides to pray, just to be reprimanded by the group atheist. At one point, everyone takes off their swimsuits and they attempt to tie them into a makeshift rope. It doesn’t work but now everyone’s naked. This movie knows what it’s doing.

We get a lot of shots of people floating listlessly in the ocean. In order to pad out the run time, there’s a lot of pointless slow motion. Amy (Susan May Pratt), the hydrophobe, has a flashback to her father’s death and it’s amazing how little sympathy the film manages to generate for someone who watched helplessly while a parent drowned. Because Amy’s supposed to be scared of the water, she spends most of the movie floating around with this dumbass look on her face. I’m a hydrophobe too. If I found myself in this situation, I’d probably scream until I exhausted myself and drowned. But I wouldn’t float around with this stupid beatific look on my face.

This film was sold as being a sequel to Open Water, though it actually went into production before Open Water was released. After Open Water was a surprise box office success, the film’s title was changed from Adrift to Open Water 2: Adrift. There are obvious similarities between the two films but the major difference is that the couple in Open Water ended up stranded through no fault of their own. On the other hand, the folks in Open Water 2 were just too dumb to lower a ladder.

Open Water was effective but depressing. Open Water 2 is just kind of stupid.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #13: Honeymoon From Hell (dir by Jake Helgren)

Posted on November 27, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR! It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet. So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR! She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th! Will she make it? Keep checking the site to find out!)

Now that Thanksgiving has passed and that I’m back home, it’s time for me to get back to cleaning out the DVR. As a result of my own arbitrary time limit, I have 4 days to watch and review 40 films. Will I make it!? Well, we’re about to find out.

Earlier today, I finally got around to watching Honeymoon From Hell! Honeymoon from Hell originally aired on the Lifetime Movie Network on July 16th! I can’t remember exactly why I missed it. Maybe I was watching a killer shark movie. But anyway, I just watched it and I’m glad that I did!

Honeymoon From Hell was originally entitled The Legend of Alice Flagg. Who, you might be asking, is Alice Flagg? In 1849, Alice Flagg was a young woman living in South Carolina. Alice’s wealthy family was aghast when she fell in love with a common lumberman. Alice, however, refused to end their relationship. When the lumberman gave her an engagement ring, Alice knew she couldn’t wear it on her finger so, instead, she attached it to a ribbon and wore it around her neck. After briefly trying to run away from her controlling family, Alice was taken ill and died. Her father refused to allow her to be buried with her wedding ring and, as a result, it’s said that the ghost of Alice still haunts South Carolina. She comes out at night and searches for her wedding ring.

Honeymoon From Hell opens with newlyweds Julia (Lexi Giovagnoli) and Rivers (Adam Hagenbach) listening as a tour guide tells the story of Alice Flagg. Julia immediately relates to the story. She also comes from a wealthy family and she has also upset her father by marrying someone from “outside of her class.” Rivers, on the other hand, is dismissive of the story. When the tour guide mentions that Alice’s spirit can be summoned by running in a circle around her grave, Rivers proceeds to do just that.

Bad Rivers!

However, at the moment, Rivers and Julia are more concerned with the hurricane that is projected to be heading towards South Carolina. They get a room in a bed and breakfast that’s run by a seemingly friendly but somewhat odd woman named Hazel (Catherine Hicks).

Julia, who has yet to tell Rivers that she’s pregnant, soon starts to feel that something bad is about to happen. She’s having strange dreams and, occasionally, she thinks that she sees a mysterious young woman watching her. (And yet, the woman is always gone upon a second look.) When Julia sees her husband talking to the flirtatious Janelle Gamble (Cameron Richardson), she starts to get paranoid. The nightmares get worse. And then, of course, someone tries to stuff a pillow over her face…

Meanwhile, the storm is approaching…

And Julia has lost her wedding ring…

Honeymoon From Hell was full of atmosphere and creepy melodrama. Lexi Giovagnoli and Adam Hagenbach make for a likable couple while Cameron Richardson gets all the best lines as Janelle. Catherine Hicks is wonderfully eccentric as the odd Hazel. Lifetime’s track record with the horror genre may be uneven but Honeymoon From Hell was a lot of fun.