Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 3.12 “Epitaph For A Lonely Heart”

Posted on May 9, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, it’s just Jack and Micki!

Episode 3.12 “Epitaph For A Lonely Heart”

(Dir by Allan Kroeker, originally aired on January 22nd, 1990)

Eli Leonard (Neil Munro) is a mortician who uses a cursed embalming needle to bring the dead back to life. Of course, he has to kill someone for the needle to work. Eli has fallen in love with the corpse of a young woman and …. EEK!

The dead woman’s fiancé is Steve Wells (Barclay Hope), a friend of Micki’s who let’s her know that he thinks something strange is happening at the funeral home before he himself is killed by Eli. Micki and Jack investigate! It all ends with a big and convenient fire, which not only kills Eli but also the two women who he has recently brought back to life.

Johnny Ventura was not in this episode and, as much as I’ve complained about the character, he actually is missed. Having Micki just working solely with Jack threw off the show’s balance a little. Jack is so much older than Micki that, in this episode, it felt as if Micki was Jack’s apprentice as opposed to being an equal partner in the search for the cursed items. As a character, Micki works best when she has an impulsive guy like Ryan or Johnny to play off of. Both she and Jack tend be cautious so this episode just felt a bit off.

(That said, there was an enjoyable scene of Jack and Micki having to host a gathering of all the other local antique dealers, none of whom knew that Jack and Micki spend all of their time fighting the Devil.)

The mortician was one of the least sympathetic villains that this show has ever featured. He was lonely but he also an obsessive creeper with no people skills. Friday the 13th has often featured villains who were tragically misguided or seduced by the cursed antique. The mortician was just a creep. Neil Munro did a good job playing him, making him into a villain who you couldn’t wait to see meet his fate.

In the end, though, this episode just felt off. I guess this show really does need Johnny screwing up and accidentally giving away the cursed antiques. Who would have guessed?

The Eric Roberts Collection: Assault on Wall Street (dir by Uwe Boll)

Posted on April 15, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

2013’s Assault on Wall Street tells the story of Jim Braxford (Dominic Purcell), a security guard who loses all of his money due to some bad investments that he had no control over and whose wife, Rosie (Erin Karpluk), kills herself rather than continue her expensive medical treatments. Jim snaps and, after listening to a bunch of angry people on MSNBC, he decides to take violent vengeance on Wall Street, targeting brokers and CEOs and ultimately launching an all-out assault on a firm owned by the cartoonishly evil Jeremy Stancroft (John Heard).

Full of anti-capitalist rhetoric and heavy-handed plot developments, Assault on Wall Street finds director Uwe Boll in a political mood. Because the film deals with economic anxiety to which everyone can relate, this film is slightly more effective than Boll’s usual films but that still doesn’t mean that it’s particularly good. It’s one of those films that takes forever to get where it’s going and the film also suffers due to Boll’s confounding decision to cast Dominic Purcell in the lead role. The blank-eyed, flat-voice Purcell gives such a spectacularly dull performance that one wonders if he was constructed out of charisma anti-matter. It doesn’t help that Purcell’s three best friends are played Edward Furlong, Michael Pare, and Keith David, all of whom come across like they would have been a better pick for the lead role.

The film ends with a spate of violence that I remember that I found to be a bit shocking when I first saw the film on cable in 2013. Of course, today, such violence has been normalized and is often celebrated on social media. I imagine that members of the creepy Luigi death cult would probably claim that Jim Braxford didn’t go far enough in his murder spree.

Two of my favorites, Eric Roberts and Lochlyn Munro, have supporting roles in this film. Munro is Jim’s broker, who makes the mistake of complaining about how he had to cancel his planned vacation to Barbados as a result of the economic meltdown. Roberts plays the lawyer who agrees to help Jim get justice but who ultimately proves to be no help at all. Both of them are memorable in their small roles, which once again leaves us to wonder why, with all the talent available, Uwe Boll apparently decided to make Dominic Purcell his muse. That was a bad investment.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.9 “Root of all Evil”

Posted on December 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Lloyd returns!

Episode 1.9 “Root of all Evil”

(Dir by Allan King, originally aired on November 28th, 1987)

Remember Lloyd (Barclay Hope)?

Lloyd is Micki’s fiancé, an attorney who obviously has a lot of money. Way back when this series began, Micki promised Lloyd that it would only take her a week or two to deal with her late uncle’s estate. That was all we heard about Lloyd for the next few episodes and I have to admit that I had assumed that the show had forgotten about him.

Well, it turns out that I was wrong. In this episode, Lloyd calls up Micki at the antique shop and basically accuses her of trying to get out of marrying him. Micki, who obviously cannot begin to explain what she’s been doing at the antique shop, tells Lloyd that her uncle’s estate is really complex. Lloyd wants Micki to come back home. Micki, herself, says that she wants to go back home. Ryan, however, tells Micki that they have an obligation to get all of the cursed antiques.

(One of the best things about the first season so far has been the contrast between Ryan’s enthusiasm for dealing with the supernatural and Micki’s more cautious approach towards their mission. Wisely, the show doesn’t take sides. Ryan often acts without thinking while Micki often spends a lot of time trying to rationalize each of the curses. Both approaches have their strengths and their flaws.)

Lloyd eventually shows up at the antique shop and Micki finally tells him what’s going on. She even shows him the vault, which includes the psycho doll from the show’s pilot. (The doll gives Micki and Lloyd a rather nasty look.) Lloyd is still not convinced and, at first, Micki takes some comfort in the fact that he’s not a Ryan-style believer. She considers marrying Lloyd and returning to a life of pretending that the supernatural doesn’t exist.

While Micki is dealing with all of that, Ryan and Jack are dealing with a homicidal gardener named Adrian (played by future Veronica Mars co-star, Enrico Colantoni) who has a cursed mulcher. When he stuffs a person into a mulcher, the body is transformed into however much money the person was worth, both financially and morally. Jack and Ryan go undercover as gardeners and, as you can probably guess, Adrian is eventually fed into the mulcher. The mulcher doesn’t feel that Adrian is worth even a dollar, which means that it just grinds his body up and blood goes flying everywhere. This is definitely one of the more gory episode of the show so far.

As for Lloyd, even after he sees proof that magic is real and that the antiques actually are cursed, he still says that Micki should abandon the store and marry him. Micki realizes that Lloyd doesn’t care about anyone but himself and she dumps him. (If she had fed him to the mulcher, she could have at least gotten some money out of the deal.) The episode ends with Ryan welcoming Micki back to the antique shop and Micki realizing that she’s home. Awwwwww!

I liked this episode, mostly because it tied up a loose end from the pilot, suggesting that the show’s writers actually were paying attention to what they were doing and also showing that Friday the 13th was more than just a show about the supernatural. It was also a show about the bonds of family and friendship. Robey finally got to do something more than look scared and ask Jack what to do. And, it must be said, the mulcher was an enjoyably grisly creation. Still, I do have to wonder …. who buys a mulcher from an antique store?

Film Review: The Wedding Chapel (dir by Vanessa Parise)

Posted on September 30, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Sarah (Emmanuelle Vaughier) is a painter who is frustrated because, despite her obvious technical skills, her work still lacks the spark of passion and imagination that it needs to be truly special. Not only is her first show panned by a snooty art critic but her boyfriend dumps her on the same night!

Jeanie (Shelley Long) is a widow who is still adjusting to life as a single woman.

They are mother and daughter and together …. THEY SOLVE CRIMES!

No, actually, they don’t. (Though I will say that I think a film or a show or a series of books about a mother/daughter crime solving team would be great and I’m a bit shocked that there aren’t more of them out there.) Instead, what Sarah and Jeanie do is they return to the small town where they once lived. It turns out that greedy developers want to tear down the family home. It’s all about eminent domain, which is a totally evil thing that should be condemned more frequently in the movies.

Anyway, it turns out that it’s not just the family home that’s due to be demolished. The developers are also planning on tearing down the nearby chapel. While Jeanie’s busy having flashbacks to her teenage years, Sarah’s getting involved in trying to save both the chapel and the house! Helping out Sarah is a local politician and lawyer with the unfortunate name of Roger Waters (Mark Deklin). Not helping Sarah is the local sheriff, who keeps arresting Sarah, tossing her in jail, and forcing her to wear one of those really unflattering orange jumpsuits. Roger bails Sarah out so many times that he soon finds himself falling in love with her. Sarah, however, doesn’t want to get tied down in a small town. She has an artistic career to pursue, assuming that she can get in touch with her emotions.

Speaking of love, Jeanie is haunted by memories of her ex-boyfriend, Larry. As far as Jeanie knows, Larry left for Vietnam and never returned. She’s always assumed that he must have died during the war but what if …. well, let’s say that he didn’t die in the war. And what if Larry (Barclay Hope) just happens to be living in that small town?

Oh my God, love’s all around!

First released in 2013, The Wedding Chapel is an exceedingly pleasant film. Seriously, almost everyone in the film is extremely considerate and nice. Even the oafish sheriff doesn’t mean to be a jerk. He’s just doing his job. Sarah attempts an act of civil disobedience but it’s literally the most mild protest that you could imagine. This is the type of movie where everyone lives in a nice house and every lawn is perfectly manicured. Even the abandoned buildings are surrounded by freshly cut grass. The chapel may be deserted but you’d never know it from looking at it.

It’s a thoroughly predictable movie but, at the same time, it’s too good-natured to be disliked. No one curses. No one makes any racy jokes. This is the type of movie that you could safely recommend to your great-grandmother without having to worry about her getting mad at you afterwards. Emmanuelle Vaughier gives a pretty good performance as Sarah and director Vanessa Parise does what she can to keep the film from drowning in sentiment.

Since the Halloween season is upon us and this site is going to be 90% horror for the rest of October, I decided that the final movie I would watch in September would be the least terrifying film I could find. The Wedding Chapel filled that role well.