Swag and Mag”

Posted on March 27, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Stubing Brothers are together again!

Episode 4.9 “She Stole His Heart/Return of the Captain’s Brother/Swag and Mag”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 8th, 1980)

This week, Captain Stubing’s no-good brother — Marshall Stubing — returns! That means that it is once again time for Gavin MacLeod to put on a toupee and a fake mustache and to play a dual role. (And, once again, he is credited as O.D. Warbux when playing Marshall.)

This time, Marshall is actually on the boat with the best of intentions. He wants to marry Natalie Martin (Arlene Dahl) and, amazingly enough, Natalie wants to marry him as well. Except — oh no! — it’s Zsa Zsa Gabor! Gabor plays Marshall’s ex-girlfriend. The character has a name but we’ll just call her Zsa Zsa because she’s basically playing herself. Marshall is certainly tempted by Zsa Zsa but, in the end, he does the right thing and he marries Natalie. In fact, the third Stubing brother, Milo Stubing (Sonny Wilde), shows up for the wedding. Wait a minute, Sonny Wilde? OH MY GOD, IT’S GAVIN MACLEOD IN ANOTHER WIG!

Gavin MacLeod plays three characters in this episode and let’s give him some credit. It’s all very, very silly and Zsa Zsa Gabor is not for everyone but Gavin MacLeond pulls it off. (Admittedly, there is one awkward scene where Merill has a conversation with Marshall and it’s obvious that no one told MacLeod where the other version of him would be standing so, as a result, Merrill appears to be looking over Marshall’s head while speaking to him but even that is kind of charming in its low-rent way.) Gavin MacLeod appears to be having fun in this episode and that was definitely the correct approach to take to this show. It keeps the story entertaining, even though not that much really happens with it.

As for the other stories …. eh, who cares? I mean, when you’ve got Gavin MacLeod talking to himself and Zsa Zsa Gabor making a grand entrance into every scene, do you need any other stories? Okay, okay, I’ll still talk about them, even though neither one is really that interesting.

Joan Van Ark plays a kleptomaniac from Oklahoma who falls for a psychologist played by Stephen Keep Mills. Whenever she flirts with him, she ends up walking away with his wallet or his wristwatch. Fortunately, they find romance and good mental health together. The doctor could have just called the police and had her arrested but that would have made for a depressing ending.

Darryl Brewster (Ron Ely) is Vicki’s favorite actor. He plays private detective Steve Swaggart on television. Swaggart can win any fight but when Darryl is challenged to a real fight by another passenger (William Boyett), Darryl ends up trying to pay the guy off. The passenger reveals Darryl is a coward and, for a while, everyone is disillusioned. But then Darryl gives a speech about the difference between playing a brawler and being one and everyone forgives him, including his agent and soon-to-be lover, Maggie (Erin Gray). The big problem here is that we’re asked to believe that Stubing would allow two passengers to schedule a fistfight on his ship without any repercussions. That would be the sort of thing that I think would get most captains fired. Obviously, Merrill was pre-occupied with his brothers but that’s really no excuse for putting the cruise line in legal jeopardy.

In short, it may be time to fire Stubing and let Gopher take over.

We’ll see if Stubing has gotten any better at his job next week.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.17 “Also Rans/Portrait of Solange”

Posted on March 19, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

Smiles, everyone, smiles! It’s Tattoo’s birthday!

Episode 4.17 “Also Rans/Portrait of Solange”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on February 28th, 1981)

It’s hard to know where to start with this episode, it’s so odd.

The first fantasy features Larry Linville as Jerome Pepper, who works in the “women’s shoes department” at Latham Department Store. He has a crush on his co-worker, Delia (Joan Prather). Delia is also the daughter of Emmett Latham (Don Porter), the owner of the store. The shy Jerome has only one fantasy. He just wants Delia to notice him.

Well, it turns out that Delia and Emmett are on the Island! They keep their horse at the Fantasy Island Stables. Delia has challenged the owner of Selby’s Department Store, widow Amelia (Arlene Dahl), to a race. The only problem is that Delia is having trouble training her horse. The horse is fast but it always stops before crossing the finish line.

Mr. Roarke arranges for Jerome to bring a horse named The Professor to the stables. The Professor is such a charismatic horse that all other horses want to hang out with him. If The Professor is standing at the finish line, Delia’s horse will have no trouble running across it. Delia has definitely noticed Jerome now.

The day of the race, The Professor disappears! So, Jerome steals an ice cream truck (“Fantasy Island Ice Cream” is written on the side of vehicle) and drives around the island announcing, “Professor! Tutti Frutti! Professor! Tutti Frutti!” Luckily, Professor loves Tutti Frutti and escapes from the stable where Amelia’s people were holding him prisoner.

Jerome and the Professor show up at the finish line, just in time to help Delia’s horse win the race. Jerome and Delia fall in love. Amelia confesses that she’s in love with Emmett and the two decide to combine their stores. So, I guess we’re just going to ignore the fact that Amelia tried to steal The Professor!

Good Lord, this fantasy! The whole thing just felt like a combination of random plot devices that had probably been snipped out of other episodes. Perhaps it would have worked better if Jerome had been a young, nerdy guy but Larry Linville appeared to be in his 50s and far too old to require a fantasy in order to talk to a co-worker.

The second fantasy is a little bit more interesting, if just because Mr. Roarke is actually nice to Tattoo for once. Tattoo’s birthday is approaching so Roarke decides to give him a fantasy as a gift. Knowing that Tattoo is a fan of Toulouse-Lautrec (and Herve Villechaize was an acclaimed painter in real life, as well), Mr. Roarke arranges for the Traditional Dance Company of Paris to come to Fantasy Island to rehearse and so Tattoo can paint them.

While Tattoo enjoys sketching all of the dancers, his favorite subject is Solange Latienne (Elissa Leeds), who takes care of the company’s costumes but who dreams of dancing herself. We’re told that Solange is French, though she doesn’t speak with an accent and she uses an American pronunciation for her last name. Tattoo falls for Solange but the company’s arrogant choreographer, Mark Ellison (David Groh), goes out of his way to try to keep Solange away from Tattoo. Knowing that Tattoo is watching from a distance, Mark kisses Solange. Thinking that Solange has rejected him, Tatoo throws away a sketch he had done of her. Awwwwww!

Mr. Roarke informs Tattoo that an emergency meeting of the “Island Council,” has been scheduled for the night. (This is the first time we’ve ever heard of this Island Council.) Tattoo agrees to go in Roarke’s place but it turns out that the meeting is a surprise party! The owner of the Traditional Dance Company, Alfred Gerrard (MacDonald Carey), buys Tattoo’s sketches. Then Solange dances as a part of the birthday celebration and Alfred is so impressed that he makes her a part of the company. Take that, Mark!

So, both Solange and Tattoo’s fantasies come true. Though Solange still leaves the Island so, once again, Tattoo’s heart is broken. Again, awwwwww!

Elissa Leeds was convincing neither as a French girl nor as a dancer but the second fantasy was still enjoyable, if just because it gave Herve Villechaize a rare chance to do something more than announce the plane and ask Mr. Roarke to explain everyone’s fantasies. Villechaize did a good job in this episode and it was nice to see he and Montalban pretending to like each other.

It was an uneven episode but at least Tattoo had a nice birthday.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Families”

Posted on July 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Captain needs a new watch but his crew is determined to give him a bunch of toothpicks instead.

Episode 2.24 “Ages of Man/Bo and Sam/Familes”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 10th, 1979)

This week’s cruise gets off to a bizarre start with Captain Stubing reminding the members of the crew that he will soon be hitting his 5-year anniversary mark as their captain. Doc, Julie, Gopher, and Isaac are planning to throw him a huge surprise party and they’ve even gotten him a gift, a replica of the Love Boat made out of toothpicks!

Now, it’s not just the gift that feels strange about this scenario. There’s also the fact that Stubing claims that he’s been captain of the Pacific Princess for five years even though the show is only in its second season. As you may remember, the very first episode of The Love Boat featured the crew still talking about how they couldn’t figure out the proper way to approach their new captain and how they didn’t know anything about his background. So, unless three years passed without anyone noticing, the Captain has only been on the ship for two years.

Add to that, Captain Stubing keeps telling anyone who will listen that he needs a new watch. So why is the crew dumb enough to give him a boat made out of toothpicks for his anniversary gift? The toothpick boat itself is constructed by two close friends, Bo (Philip Charles MacKenzie) and Sam (Michael Tucci). Of course, when Bo and Sam deliver the gift to the cruise, they end up breaking it in half. As a result, they stowaway on the ship so that they can rebuild the toothpick boat. And they do rebuild it! But then they break it again so, with hours to go until the Captain’s party, they again have to rebuild it. When they deliver the boat the captain’s party, they discover that every member of the crew has given Stubing some sort of miniature boat. Stubing is not particularly excited about the toothpick boat until he hears the sound of something ticking inside of it. Yes, that’s right, Sam’s watch fell off while they were rebuilding the boat. Stubing smashes the toothpick boat and is overjoyed to discover a watch, one that is inscribed with a touching message about friendship. Bo promises to get Sam a new watch.

This storyline was …. well, to say it was frustrating is perhaps putting it a little bit too lightly. Seriously, it never made any sense. Why, if the Captain keeps telling you that he desperately needs a new watch, would you buy him a toothpick boat instead? And why, with something that fragile, would you not wrap it up or find some other way to protect it before trying to carry it onto the cruise? Every time that fake boat got destroyed, I wanted to throw something at the TV.

As for the other storylines….

Julie develops a crush on an older passenger named Walter (Paul Burke) while a younger passenger named Bobby Trymon (Patrick Labyorteaux) develops a crush on Julie. Julie wants to spend all of her time dancing with Walter but she also has to try to let teenage Bobby down gently. Eventually, Julie tells Bobby that he’s too young for her and then Walter explains that he’s too old for Julie. So, everyone ends up miserable.

While that’s going on, publisher Hank Hardaway (Leslie Nielsen) is shocked to discover that his arch nemesis, union leader Monica Cross (Arlene Dahl) is on the cruise! Hank’s daughter, Diana (Ellen Bry), thinks that Monica has a point about protecting the working man while Monica’s son, Jeff (Mark Shera), thinks that Hank has a point about working hard and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Eventually, Diana falls for Jeff and Hank falls for Monica and the four of them prove that you can love someone even if you disagree with their politics. This storyline was simple and silly but, to be honest, kind of charming. Nielsen, who still in the “serious actor” phase of his career when he did this episode, seemed a bit more relaxed than usual and Ellen Bry and Mark Shera had a likable chemistry. Simple as this story may have been, it was kind of what the episode needed to counterbalance all the toothpick boat nonsense.

This cruise was a mixed bag. At least the Captain got a watch.

The Fabulous Forties #3: The Black Book (dir by Anthony Mann)

Posted on April 6, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The third film in Mill Creek’s Fabulous Forties box set was 1949’s The Black Book, which was also released under the title Reign of Terror.

The Black Book takes place during the French Revolution. It is, to quote Dickens, both the best of times and the worst of times. Actually, mostly it’s just the worst of times. The Black Book portrays revolutionary France as being a dark and shadowy country, one where the only things that hold the people together are paranoia and terror. It’s a country where anyone can be executed at any moment and where power mad tyrants excuse their excesses by saying that they are only doing the people’s will. Considering that the The Black Book was made in 1949, its vision of revolutionary France can easily been seen as a metaphor for Nazi Germany or Communist Russia. Or perhaps even America at the start of the Red Scare.

(It’s probably not a coincidence that the Nazis also had a document known as the Black Book, one that listed everyone who was to be arrested and executed if Hitler succeeded in conquering Great Britain.)

Maximilien Robespierre (Richard Basehart, giving a disturbingly plausible performance that will make you think of more than a few contemporary political figures) is on the verge of having himself declared dictator of France. Unfortunately, his little black book has disappeared. Inside that black book is the name of everyone that he is planning to send to the guillotine. If the book ever became public, then Robespierre would be the one losing his head.

Robespierre summons a notorious prosecutor named Duval (Robert Cummings) to Paris and gives him 24 hours to track down the book. He gives Duval the authority to imprison and interrogate anyone in France. He also informs Duval that, if the book is not found, Duval will be the next to lose his head.

However, what Robespierre does not know is that Duval is not Duval. He is Charles D’Aubigny, a rebel against the Revolution. Charles murdered Duval and took his place. Now, Charles has to find the book without his own identity being discovered. Not only do some of Robespierre’s allies suspect that Duval may not actually be Duval but some of Charles’s former allies also start to suspect that Charles may secretly be working for Robespierre, even as he claims that he’s trying to bring him down. At times, even the viewer is unsure as to who is actually working for who.

Oh my God, this is such a good film! In fact, it was so good that I was surprised that I hadn’t heard of it before watching it last night. The chance to discover a hidden gem like The Black Book is the main reason why I continue to take chances on Mill Creek box sets.

The Black Book was definitely made on a very low-budget but director Anthony Mann (who is best known for directing several landmark westerns) uses that low-budget to his advantage. There’s little spectacle to be found in this historical epic but then again, there was little spectacle to be found in the reign of terror. This is a film that takes place in shadowy rooms and dark, almost claustrophobic streets. It’s a historical film that looks and plays out like the most cynical of film noirs. Despite the fact that all of these well-known French figures are being played by very American actors, the cast all does an excellent job of capturing the fear and desperation of people living under oppression. The subtext of The Black Book was undoubtedly clear in 1949 and it’s just as clear today. Fanaticism remains fanaticism, regardless of when it happened or what ideology is used to justify it.

There is a somewhat awkward moment towards the end of the film when a French army officer is asked for his name.

“Bonparte,” the officer replies, “Napoleon Bonaparte.”

“I’ll remember that name,” someone snarkily replies.

But, other than that one moment (which immediately made me think of Titanic‘s infamous “Something Picasso” line), The Black Book is an intelligent and effective thriller. And because it’s in the public domain, you watch it below!

Shattered Politics #21: Kisses For My President (dir by Curtis Bernhardt)

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

If there’s anyone who deserves to be the subject of a big budget biopic, it’s Victoria C. Woodhull. Back in the 19th century, at a time when women were not even allowed to vote, Victoria C. Woodhull was not only the first woman to ever work as a stockbroker but also the first to ever found her own newspaper. A fierce advocate for women’s right and free love, Victoria Woodhull was also the first woman to ever run for President. She was nominated in 1872 by the Equal Rights Party and, for the crime of trying to cast a vote for herself, she spent election day in jail.

Since that day, many more women have run for President but none have been elected. Since 1984, two women have received major party nominations for vice president but neither came close to being elected. Since 1964, Margaret Chase Smith, Shirley Chisholm, Patsy Mink, Ellen McCormack, Patricia Schroeder, Elizabeth Dole, Carol Mosely-Braun, Michele Bachman, and Hillary Rodham Clinton have all campaigned for the presidential nomination of one of the two major political parties but none of them have been nominated.

I do believe that a woman will be elected President within my lifetime. In fact, it could even happen in 2016. But until then, the only place where you can find a female President is on TV and in the movies.

Take, for instance, today’s final entry in Shattered Politics, the 1964 film Kisses For My President. This may very well have been the very first movie to feature a woman as President. Needless to say, in 1964, this idea was considered so outrageous that it had to be played for laughs.

Kisses For My President starts with an image of hundreds of women chanting “We want Leslie!” We get a shot of Fred MacMurray looking out over the crowd. The next scene, the new President is being sworn in. We start with a close-up of the chief justice reciting the oath of office to “Leslie Harrison McCloud.” The camera pans over to Fred MacMurray, listening intently. However, just when 1964 audiences were expecting MacMurray to swear to uphold the constitution, the camera pans yet again, over to …. Polly Bergen!

“OH MY GOD!” audiences in 1964 gasped, “LESLIE McCLOUD IS A WOMAN!”

That’s right. Polly Bergen is playing President Leslie McCloud and Fred MacMurray is playing her husband, Thad. As the film makes apparent in its opening scenes, Thad is not quite sure what his role is supposed to be. He has an office in the White House but it’s just so … feminine! And it’s full of painting of previous first ladies who were all ladies! And, at one point, Thad even imagines a picture of himself wearing a lady’s hat!

Oh my God!

Now, to be fair to the movie, Polly Bergen does get a few scenes where she shows herself to be a strong President. There’s a great scene where she coolly dismisses a condescending senator (Edward Andrews) who suggests that, as a woman, Leslie might not be up to the task of standing up to America’s enemies. It’s a brief scene but it’s a good one.

But, ultimately, it’s impossible to ignore the fact that Kisses For My President, a film about the first female President, is mostly interested in how Thad handles being “first gentleman.” It’s a film that imagines a historic moment for women and then focuses on what it would mean for one man.

How 1964!

On the one hand, Kisses For My President is a dated comedy that runs way too long and tries to get too much mileage out of one joke (i.e., Fred MacMurray looking confused). However, the film also features a great performance from Eli Wallach. Playing a strutting dictator named Vasquez, Wallach is a lot of fun and the scenes where MacMurray shows him around Washington are the best in the film. I also appreciated the fact that the President’s daughter reacts to the restrictions of living in the White House by dating a guy that she knows her parents will hate, largely because I would have done the same thing in her situation.

I’m a little bit torn on the ending of Kisses For My President. (Should I spoil it? No, I don’t think I will.) On the one hand, it’s outrageously sexist and seems to suggests that Leslie — despite being a strong President during the few times we actually get to see her doing the job — should have been content to just be a wife and mother. On the other hand, it’s one of those endings that would seem to perfectly capture the dominant culture of the time when the film was made. So, it has some worth from a historical point of view.

When last I checked, Kisses For My President is currently available for free on YouTube. The film is interesting as a historical document if nothing else.