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Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.18 “Sitting Duck/Sweet Suzi Swann”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Smiles, everyone!

Episode 5.18 “Sitting Duck/Sweet Suzi Swann”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 6th, 1982)

Once again, Julie is not involved in either of this week’s fantasies.  At the start of the episode, Roarke tells Tattoo that Julie has been trying to help a guest whose fantasy was to introduce “women’s lib” to cavemen.  A woman then runs by while being chased by a caveman.  Apparently, the fantasy did not go well.  I’m a bit worried that Julie might lose her job because none of the fantasies that she’s involved with ever seem to go well.

As for this week’s guests, Chuck Conners shows up as Frank Barton.  Barton is a big-game hunter.  He has hunted and conquered almost every type of animal.  Now, he wants to hunt the most dangerous animal of all …. okay, okay, you’ve heard all this before.  This is not the first time that Fantasy Island has looked to The Most Dangerous Game for inspiration.  However, this is the first time that the show has featured a hunter who specifically wants to stalk Mr. Roarke.

It’s a bit of an odd fantasy, though.  Frank doesn’t want to chase Mr. Roarke through the forest or anything like that.  Instead, Frank just wants to plant booby traps around the Island.  If Mr. Roarke survives 24 hours, he’ll be fee to set a few traps of his own.  Roarke agrees, explaining to Tattoo that, if Frank doesn’t come after him then he’ll go after someone else.  Roarke is doing the world a favor by distracting Frank.

Frank tries, he really does.  He tries poison.  He tries explosives.  Even though Mr. Roarke agrees not to use any of his “special powers,” he always manages to stay a step or two ahead of Frank.  Finally, Frank kidnaps Tattoo and that’s when Mr. Roarke says enough of this.  If you’ve ever wanted to see Mr. Roarke beat up a guest, this is the episode for you.  Frank ends up leaving the Island in the custody of two burly men who are apparently going to check him into a mental hospital.  Frank got his fantasy but it didn’t turn out well for him.  At least he wasn’t trying to reason with cavemen….

Meanwhile, Suzi Swann (Helen Reddy) comes to the Island with her boss, fashion designer Jack Becker (George Maharis).  Suzi is in love with Jack but Jack takes her for granted.  Suzi’s fantasy is to fall out of love with him and …. wait a minute!  Didn’t Helen Reddy sing “I am Woman?”  Why is the show wasting her time with this fantasy when they could have cast her as the guest who wanted to teach the cavemen about equality?  If they had done that, Julie could have worked with Helen Reddy and Roarke and Tattoo would have been free to concentrate on Frank and his homicidal fantasy!  I mean, I think it was a mistake to give Roarke two assistants for this season but if you’re going to have Julie around, at least let her take part in one of the main fantasies….

Oh well.  Let’s get back to the fantasy that actually did happen.

Roarke gives Suzi some magic gumdrops that were apparently made with special Fantasy Island berries.  The gumdrops make Suzi feel the opposite of whatever she previously felt.  She takes one and immediately announced that she doesn’t like either Roarke or Tattoo.  “You’re short!” Suzi says to Tattoo which …. ugh.  That’s a terrible line, considering that the show has previously always treated Tattoo’s height with a good deal of sensitivity.

Suzi is no longer in love with Jack and instead, she finds herself attracted to the mysterious Claude Duvalle (James Darren).  But the fact that she is no longer willing to be Jack’s doormat leads to Jack realizing that he failed to appreciate her.  Jack falls in love with Suzi and Suzi falls back in love with Jack.

As Suzi and Jack leave together, Tattoo suggests that Rorake failed to give Suzi her fantasy.  Roarke explains that Suzi fell out of love with the old Jack but then she fell in love with the new Jack so actually, he totally succeeded.  Uhm….whatever you say, Mr. Roarke.

Roarke then takes a magic gumball and tells Tattoo, “I don’t like you.”

AGCK!  But actually, the gumball makes its user for the opposite of what they actually feel so Mr. Roarke actually does like Tattoo!  Awwww!  I’m glad that’s cleared up.

I enjoyed this episode.  Much like last week’s episode it felt like a throwback to the first two seasons of Fantasy Island.  Neither fantasy really made much sense but both Roarke and Tattoo got to do a lot and that really made all the difference.  Fantasy Island always works best when Roarke and Tattoo are more than just bystanders.

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.17 “The Game Show”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Why do I do this to myself?

Episode 1.17 “The Game Show”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on February 14th, 1999)

Scott has been promoted!  His father has made Scott the new weekend manager of his restaurant, The Lighthouse.  Jason is offended, even though Jason regularly comes to work late and is rude to the customers.  Strangely enough, though, the other workers at The Lighthouse, the majority of whom have probably been working there longer than both Jason and Scott, are not offended that a major promotion was given to the boss’s inexperienced jerk of a son.  Seriously, Scott has only been in Malibu for a few months and he’s gotten in just as much trouble with Jason.  Neither one of them deserves a promotion.

Jason and Scott are selected to appear on Blind Date, a dating game show that airs on Malibu’s public access channel.  (Not surprisingly, the show is hosted by Tracy.)  Jason makes a $300 bet with Scott that he can win the date.  Jason’s plan is to cheat by sneaking a look at the audition tape of the girl who will be selecting her date.  Scott discovers that Jason is cheating so he cheats by convincing Tracy to invite a different girl on the show.  During the show, Jason realizes what Scott has done and calls him out.  Tracy disqualifies both of them, which means that Murray wins the date.

I got a headache just writing that paragraph.

Meanwhile, Stads puts on a fat suit so that she can research how people treat the obese.  A lifeguard named Darren (Brody Hutzler) asks Stads out while she’s in disguise.  Stads is excited to finally have a date but will Darren still want to date her when he finds out that Stads is thin?

Every Peter Engel-produced sitcom did at least one episode where one of the main characters found themselves being forced to either go on a date or work with a fat person.  Usually, these episodes ended with the standard message of “It’s what’s inside that counts,” and then the fat character, having served their purpose, would never be seen or mentioned again.  The theme of this episode of Malibu, CA seems to be that some people don’t care about physical appearances and seriously, what the Hell’s wrong with those people?  Stads learns that not everyone is turned off by a few extra pounds and wow, those people are weird!  It’s not a great message for a sitcom aimed at teen girls, to be honest.

As usual, this episode struggles because almost everyone on the show comes across as being a sociopath.  Scott is promoted for no good reason and immediately gets an attitude.  Jason breaks the fourth wall to brag to the audience about how he’s going to lie, cheat, and steal.  Stads may not be a sociopath but she is remarkably shallow in this episode.  It’s always strange the way that this show insists that Stads, who is blonde, pretty, and athletic, can somehow never get a date.  Maybe it would help if she had a better name.  Stads probably sounds a bit too much like Stabs.

Murray and Tracy are, at this point, is the only decent characters on the show, largely because they’re both open and honest about who they are and they’re not ashamed of their quirks.  Brandon Brooks and Priscilla Inga Taylor both seemed to have understood that it was pointless to try to give “real” performances on this show and their willingness to full embrace the over-the-top silliness of their characters went a long way towards making them tolerable.

Next week, the agony continues!

 

Horror Song Of The Day: Dawn of the Dead Main Theme by Goblin

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Dawn of the Dead (1978, dir by George Romero, DP: Michael Gornick)

Dario Argento not only produced and edited the European cut for 1978’s Dawn of the Dead, he also introduced George Romero to Goblin.  The Italian band, famous for their horror movie soundtracks, provided the classic score to Dawn of the Dead.

(Admittedly, the score is is used far more prominently in Argento’s cut of the film than in Romero’s.)

For today’s horror song of the day, here is Goblin’s Main Theme From Dawn of the Dead.

Ghost Stories, Dir. Levi Morgan, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

Hello Horror Fans! My midterms are over and in 7 Months I will be digging for buried treasure in the Great State of Texas! BOOM!!! I wanted to celebrate my midterm conclusion with a review of a promising horror short film. The premise is intriguing: Ghost Stories, but the Ghosts are telling them. Now, this will either be great or truly truly terrible….. BRB. I was WRONG!

The film reminded me of Andrew Bird’s “Sisyphus”
Listen Here:

Wasn’t that great? Yeah, it was! The idea of just letting things go. Whatevs. Like that attitude, they didn’t really put in the effort to make the film pop. The stories just weren’t that funny.

The ghosts are in Walmart white sheets with holes cut out. We’re talkin 100 dollar budget so far.
The first story is a the ghost intends to scare a newlywed couple by hiding under the bed and then jumping out; instead, he’s trapped under the bed as the couple has 2 hour relations! Kinda Funny.

The second ghost story, I really couldn’t follow it. They did not put the extra time to make sure that the story and joke worked. The film headed into “C” territory and I was hoping that maybe it’ll have a strong finish? No. The ghosts like the film are mediocrities. Do the ghosts team up to scare someone? Yes, but it fell as flat as Sisyphus’ boulder.

This short did have a beginning, middle, and an end. They definitely spent time on it. The writing was not the greatest, but they tried to make the jokes and work and not beyond their proposed narrative. In that context, the short was pretty good.

Sadly, as Andrew Bird sang in “Sisyphus”:
“History Forgets the Moderates” Yes, you have to let art breathe and go places that are new, but that takes A LOT of work and they were NOT up to that commitment.
I think like “The Moderates” of Bird’s song, this short will be forgotten.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.27 “Maid for Each Other/Lost and Found/Then There Were Two”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, a baby is abandoned, an aunt visits, and for some reason, Joe Namath is on the boat.

Episode 4.27 “Maid for Each Other/Lost and Found/Then There Were Two”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on May 9th, 1981)

Ted Harper (Joe Namath) boards the boat with his best friend, Richard Henderson (Fred Willard).  Ted and Richard were fraternity brothers.  While in college, the members of the frat decided that, whenever one of them got married, some money would be contributed to a pot.  The last single member of the frat would end up getting all of the cash, which is now up to $60,000.  Ted and Richard are the last two single members of the frat and they’re competing to see who can hold out the longest.

(Can we just agree that guys are weird?)

Ted has a plan to get the money. He’s gotten his ex-girlfriend, Paula (Karen Grassle), to agree to trick Richard into falling in love with and marrying her, in exchange for some of the money.  However, Richard is smarter than Ted realizes and instead offers Paula even more of the money to get Ted to marry her.  However, Karen falls for Ted for real.  Karen and Ted do get married when the ship docks in Mexico.  When Richard announces that he paid Karen to marry Ted, Ted is hurt at first but then he realizes that he was willing to do the same thing to Richard and nothing matters more than love.  Awwww!

Now, it may seem strange to cast Joe Namath and Fred Willard as friends.  To me, it’s even stranger that this was not the first time that Joe Namath, who was not much of actor, appeared on The Love Boat.  Just as he did the last time he was on the boat (and also just as he did when he last visited Fantasy Island), Namath wanders through the story with a goofy grin on his face.

Speaking of goofy, Gopher is super-excited when his wealthy aunt Loretta (Jane Powell) boards the boat.  Loretta, however, is scared to tell Gopher that she has lost all of her money and is now working as a maid.  Loretta need not have worried.  I mean, it’s not as if Gopher has a particularly glamorous job.  Plus, Loretta’s not going to be poor for long, not after she meets and falls in love with wealthy Duncan Harlow (Howard Keel).

Finally, Eddie Martin (Gary Burghoff) is a mechanic on the Love Boat who decides to abandon his baby with the captain.  The captain, who apparently doesn’t know much about the people who work for him, has no idea who the baby’s father is.  But when the baby is taken ill and needs a transfusion of super-rare AB blood, Eddie is forced to stand up and accept the responsibility of being a father.  Good for him, I guess.  Personally, I like fathers who don’t abandon their babies in the first place.

This was a fairly bland episode.  The fourth season is nearly over and, with this cruise, everyone seemed to mostly be going through the motions.  This episode seemed like a collection of stories that the show had already handled (and handled better) in the past.

Next week …. season 4 comes to an end!

The Count of Monte Cristo (dir. by Roland V. Lee)

Posted on by Leonard Wilson

Note that this maybe a bit brief and off tangent. This may be one of the first reviews I’ve written for a film created well before my time. I won’t have as many movie references or personal anecdotes to add here.

I love the story of The Count of Monte Cristo. At the time of this writing, it can be found on both Amazon Prime and on Tubi.

Written in 1844 by Alexandre Dumas, it’s a tale of revenge and depending on which version you watch, there’s also a bit of redemption to it. Though it’s adapted numerous times on stage and screen, I’m familiar with 3 main movie versions. You have the modern 2002 version from Kevin Reynolds, starring Jim Caviezel, Henry Cavill and Guy Pearce. There’s the 1975 TV Movie (my personal favorite), directed by David Greene and starring Richard Chamberlain, Donald Pleasance, Tony Curtis and Kate Nelligan. And finally, we have the classic 1934 rendition, directed by Donald V. Lee and starring Robert Donat, Elissa Landi, Sidney Blackmer and Louis Calhern. Most audiences may know of the film from the references made of it in 2005’s V for Vendetta.

The Count of Monte Cristo is the story of Edmund Dantes (Robert Donat, The 39 Steps) , a sailor who has everything going for him. He’s the newly minted Captain of the Pharaon, a title bestowed to him after the original captain died during a voyage near the island of Elba. Before the original Captain passes, he gives Edmond a letter to be delivered to an individual who will make himself known. This promotion and the letter also draws the jealous eyes of the would be Captain Danglars (Raymond Walburn, Christmas in July). Edmond has the heart of the lovely Mercedes de Rosas (Elissa Landi, The Yellow Ticket), but not the affections of Mercedes’ Mother (Georgia Caine, Remember the Night), the Madame de Rosas. Together with Fernand Mondego (Sidney Blackmer, Rosemary’s Baby), they often try to convince Mercedes to find someone better.

During the party for his wedding, Edmond meets the letter’s recipient and makes the delivery. Shortly afterward, both this man and Edmond are arrested. We learn the man is the father of The King’s Magistrate, Renee de DeVillefort (Louis Calhern, Julius Caesar). Choosing to protect his father (now considered a Bonapartist), DeVillfort puts on the blame on Dantes. With Mondego and Danglars as co-conspirators, they send Dantes to the dreaded Chateau D’if, an Alcatraz-like prison on the sea. To make things worse, after Napoleon is defeated, Edmond’s captors list him as deceased and his name is struck from the prison record. Dantes spends nearly 15 years in the Chateau, falling out of everyone’s memory. During his time, he discovers and befriends the Abbe Faria (O.P. Heggie, Anne of Green Gables), another prisoner who teaches Dantes various topics of the world. The Abbe also shares the secret of the De Sparda Treasure, hidden away just off the island of Monte Cristo. Edmond eventually escapes the Chateau D’If, acquires the treasure and returns to the Paris as the mysterious Count of Monte Cristo.

The film has fine performances throughout, given the time frame. Donat’s Dantes is quite naive prior to the imprisonment, but as the Count, I felt he brought a lot of style and class to the character. It was much like watching an old serial of The Batman or The Shadow. Another major surprise (for me, anyway) was Sidney Blackmer as Mondego. I’ve only ever seen Blackmer as the old and strange Roman Castavet in Roman Polanski’s Rosemary Baby, so it was very interesting to see him in his prime. There’s a nice duel between Mondego and Dantes that showcased Blackmer’s athleticism as well as his acting. I also enjoyed Walburn’s Danglars, who felt like a weasel you’d find in a classic Disney animated film.

Visually, for a black and white film, there’s some good use of light and shadow here, particularly during the dimly lit scenes in the Chateau D’If and the face off between the Count and Mondego.

How Edmond chooses to face his enemies was interesting. A bit of scandal for one, greed for another and a full-on courtroom drama for a third. I thought the court case element was bit much, but given where the story was going, it made sense. Overall, The Count of Monte Cristo is a wonderful classic with great pacing throughout.

Quick Review: The Last Stop at Yuma County (dir. by Francis Galluppi)

Posted on by Leonard Wilson

This review might be a bit biased, as I’m a fan of actor Jim Cummings’ work. I loved The Wolf of Snow Hollow and his brief cameo in Halloween Kills. The moment Francis Galluppi’s Last Stop at Yuma County was released on Apple Films, I bought it. Not even a rental. At 90 minutes, it’s a short crime thriller that fits in well with those late night gems you may come across.

On his way home to celebrate his daughter’s birthday, a Knife Salesman (Cummings) arrives at a gas station in Yuma County, Arizona, only to find that the station’s gas truck is a bit delayed. He decides to wait for the truck in the the gas station’s diner. Additionally, the news on the radio is going around about a recent heist of a nearby bank. Similar to movies such as Legion or Tales From the Crypt Presents : Demon Knight, the Diner makes a great setting for a standoff when the two robbers make an appearance – played by Richard Brake (Barbarian) and Nicolas Logan (I Care a Lot). Can the Knife Salesman and the local waitress, Charlotte (Jocelin Donahue, The House of the Devil) make it through the day and save themselves?

For his first production, Galluppi handled things well, I felt. The shots are evenly paced, well lit and framed in such a way where it doesn’t feel like the camera lingers too much or is too shaky. The strongest part of The Last Stop in Yuma County are the characters. Cummings, Brake, and Logan are the stand outs, but everyone contributes to the story in their way. The film dances between drama and comedy pretty quick, which had me chucking in moments before getting jolted back to reality with the ever changing situation.

If the movie has any kind of drawback, it’s that some of the story’s elements aren’t fully closed up by the time the film ends. It’s not a terrible thing, considering where the focus of the story moves, but a little more closure would have been nice. Outside of that, The Last Stop at Yuma County is worth the watch.