Retro Television Reviews: A Very Brady Christmas (dir by Peter Baldwin)

Posted on December 18, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1988’s A Very Brady Christmas!

In A Very Brady Christmas, America’s creepiest family reunites for the holidays.

Mike and Carol Brady (played by Robert Reed and Florence Henderson, of course) have finally got their house to themselves! The children have all moved out. A few have even gotten married and started families of their own. Mike is still an architect, though he now has a mustache that, along with his gray hair, makes him look more like a retired porn actor.

With Christmas approaching, Mike and Carol have each been secretly saving up their money to give the other a trip. Carol knows that Mike loves Greece. Mike suspects that Carol would love to go to Japan. In the end, though, they realize that they would much rather have the entire family come together for Christmas! They buy tickets for everyone. Of course, what they don’t know is that each of the Brady kids has an issue of their own.

For instance, consider the youngest of the Brady kids. Cindy isn’t even herself anymore, mostly because Susan Olsen declined to return for the reunion and Jennifer Runyon was cast in her place. Cindy is away at college and she’s upset that she has to cancel her plans to go skiing just so she can spend the holidays with her family. Meanwhile, Bobby (Mike Lookinland) has dropped out of college so that he can race cars on the NASCAR circuit but he hasn’t told his parents yet! Of course, if Bobby never tells them, he can just keep pocketing that sweet, sweet tuition money.

Meanwhile, Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) is upset because his girlfriend is his boss and she makes considerably more money than he does. Jan (Eve Plumb) is secretly separated from her husband but, because it’s the holidays, they agree to pretend to still be together so that Mike and Carol don’t get upset. Greg (Barry Williams) has grown up to be a smarmy doctor but he is upset that his wife will not be joining him for Christmas with his parents. And Marcia (Maureen McCormick) is trying to keep everyone from discovering that her loser husband has lost his job.

And let’s not forget Alice (Anne B. Davis)! Alice finally married Sam The Butcher but their marriage is on the rocks….

Could the Bradys be more cursed?

Luckily, Mike and Carol are pretty good at uncovering problems and fixing things. (Except, of course, for that time that Mike never figured out that Marcia was acting strange because she wanted to surprise him with his father of the year prize….) Unfortunately, Mike is a bit distracted because his latest building was constructed with cheap material. When an earthquake causes the building collapse, Mike takes it upon himself to rescue two trapped workers. (Most of this takes place off-screen, of course.) When an aftershock hits, it seems like Mike might never emerge from the tomb that he helped to design.

Much like the show that inspired it, A Very Brady Christmas is painfully earnest and …. well, it’s a little dumb. Of course, the main appeal of The Brady Bunch was always the unapologetic mix of earnestness and stupidity but it’s a bit different when all the Brady kids are grown up and they’re still acting just as dumb as they did when they were younger. Robert Reed looks annoyed. Florence Henderson is trouper and gives it her all. With the notable exception of Maureen McCormick, none of the kids grew up to be particularly good actors. (In all fairness, Barry Williams is likable when he makes fun of himself but, in this film, he’s somewhat stiff as the most successful of the Brady kids.) That said, the family singing a Christmas carol while waiting to discover whether or not Mike is dead is one of those moments that is somehow both silly and effective at the same time. It’s pure Brady Bunch. To quote Tony Montana, it’s the yayo of nostalgia.

A Very Brady Christmas aired in 1988 and was enough of a rating success that it actually led to the Brady Bunch being (briefly) revived. Today, it’s impossible to watch the movie without imagining Gary Cole and Shelley Long as Mike and Carol Brady. Even the collapse of the building is no longer an effective dramatic moment due to it being referenced in The Brady Bunch Movie. When Mike does emerge from that collapsed building, you half expect him to say, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

In the end, the Bradys have a merry Christmas. I hope you have one too!

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 2.18 “Indecent Promposal” and 3.1 “The Unforgiven”

Posted on December 17, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Finally, it’s time for season 3 and the Lorena Years! But, first, we’ve got one final season 2 episode to get out of the way….

Episode 2.18 “Indecent Promposal”

(Dir by Miguel Higeura, originally aired on February 5th, 1994)

Both the 2nd season and the school year are coming to an end! That means that it’s time for prom!

Tiffani can’t wait to go to the prom. Jake thinks the prom is stupid. When Glenn, one of Tiffani’s patients from her days as a candystriper, offers to take Tiffani to the prom as a friend and to arrange for the Dreams to have a permanent summer gig, Tiffani reluctantly agrees. Jake, however, can’t shake the feeling that Glenn is going to try to make a move on Tiffani, which is just what Glenn does. Glenn kisses Tiffani. Tiffany rejects Glenn. However, Jake (who has decide to come to the prom afterall), witnesses the kiss and he gets so upset that he and Tiffani break up. This would be a big emotional moment if there had been any consistency, during season 2, as to when Tiffani and Jake were actually dating. Since the episodes were shown out of order, Tiffani and Jake would be a couple one week and then single the next. As a result, it never really seemed like Jake and Tiffani were together in the first place.

The prom didn’t work out. That’s too bad. Fortunately, season 3 is right around the corner!

Episode 3.1 “The Unforgiven”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 10th, 1994)

Finally! The third season has begun! And with it, we get a new title sequence:

This is the season that marked the beginning of what most people consider to be classic California Dreams. Frustrated with his diminished role on the series, Brent Gore declined to return for season 3. As a result, Matt was written out of the series with the excuse that the Garrisons moved. The California Dreams soldiered on without him, with Jake now at the center of the band and the show.

When the Garrisons left, foreign exchange student Sam moved in with the Costa family and became best friends with my favorite character on the show, Lorena. Lorena Costa (played by Diana Uribe) is the character to whom I most relate on this show. We’re both of Spanish descent. (My grandmother was born in Spain.) We’ve both got good hair. We both love to dance. We both tend to refer to ourselves in the third person. Lorena’s the best character ever!

Lorena is willing to allow the Dreams to practice in her loft but the Dreams still have two huge problems. They don’t have a replacement for Matt. And they need $500 to get their equipment back from a pawnshop. Why is their equipment at a pawnshop? I’m not sure but somehow, it’s Sly’s fault.

Fortunately, Sly has a solution. His musically gifted cousin, Mark (Aaron Jackson), has moved to California. Unfortunately, Mark has never forgiven Sly for ruining a performance that he was giving at Carnegie Hall. Apparently, Mark was playing the William Tell Overture and Sly yelled, “Hi-ho, Silver, away!” The only way to get Mark to forgive Sly is for Mark to give the performance again without Sly ruining things. Unfortunately, for reasons that are never exactly clear, Sly once again yells, “Hi-ho, Silver, away!”

Well, I guess that’s it for the Dreams, right? Unfortunately, Sly has booked the Dreams to play at a party being given by one of Lorena’s friends. With Mark refusing to join the Dreams, Lorena’s friend’s boyfriend is planning on beating up Sly. To save his cousin’s life, Mark agrees to forgive Sly, join the Dreams, and play the party with them.

I have to admit that I’m a little surprised that it took the Dreams that long to find a replacement for Matt. Considering that the Dreams already had a following at the end of the second season, I would imagine they would have a lot of people wanting to join the band. Maybe they’re all scared of getting on Jake’s bad side. Well, no matter. Things work out in the end!

As for the episode itself, it succeeds in doing what it needed to do. It introduces the viewers to Lorena and Mark and let’s everyone know what the show’s new direction is going to be. The humor is overly broad but the cast has genuine chemistry and Michael Cade’s portrayal of Sly attempting to fake sincerity while apologizing is genuinely funny.

I’m looking forward to the rest of season 3!

Retro Television Review: One World 3.5 “One of Our Own” and 3.6 “Crushed”

Posted on December 16, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

The Blake family is growing!

Episode 3.5 “One Of Our Own”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on October 21st, 2000)

This episode opens with the Blake family once again using the Warehouse, Miami’s “hottest under 21 club,” as their own private dining room but throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Cray’s adoption. As usual, Jane makes it all about herself by announcing that she wants Dave and Karen to adopt her. Karen is thrilled and also takes some time to remind everyone that she’s frequently nauseous because that’s a storyline now.

What’s odd is that, when Jane asks why Karen keeps throwing up, Dave replies, “She’s pregnant” and apparently, it’s the first that anyone in the family had heard about it, even though everyone knew about it in the previous episode. So, this is another example of TNBC showing episode out of order and not caring about continuity. Respect your audience, TNBC!

Anyway, Jane’s adoption hits a snag when it turns out that Jane’s father is still alive and he’s in prison! Though initially reluctant to see him and concerned that she won’t have a place in the Blake family after the baby is born, Jane eventually visits her father and gets him to sign over his parental rights.

While Jane thinks about being adopted, Neal falls for a cheerleader who has just moved to Miami from Tallahassee. “If you ever miss your friends,” Neal tells her, “I can teach you how to use the spell check on my computer.” Smooth, Neal! Neal tells the cheerleader that he designs “CD-ROM games and DVDs” for fun. “I’ve been to the DMV!” the cheerleader responds. Eventually, Neal realizes that he and his new girlfriend have nothing in common. Wait a minute …. doesn’t Neal already have a really rich girlfriend? Remember the first episode of season 3, when her father didn’t want them to date but Neal won his over with is integrity? Did the show already abandon that plotline?

This episode was cringey, in the way that most TNBC shows were whenever they attempted to deal with serious subjects. It was a bit overwritten, a bit overacted, and a just a bit too much.

Episode 3.6 “Crushed”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on October 28th, 2000)

With this episode, we are reminded that Ben still has a gig playing the guitar at Miami’s “hottest under 21 club,” The Warehouse. One of the strange things about the Warehouse is that, for the hottest club in Miami, it’s almost always deserted. No one seems to hang out there. In fact, the Warehouse seems to only exist so that the Blakes can celebrate birthdays and anniversaries.

As for the actual plot of “Crushed,” it’s basically a redo of several Saved By The Bell plots. Cray has a girlfriend but he worries that Ben is trying to steal her away from him. Of course, the opposite is true. Cray’s girlfriend would rather go out with Ben and who wouldn’t? Ben is a hundred times hotter. Meanwhile, Jane becomes a semi-amateur wrestler, using moves that she claims she learned in jail. (Sigh. After three seasons, the writers still hadn’t figured that none of the cast of One World were believable as people who had spent even a day behind bars.) Anyway, Jane is asked to throw a match, because professional wrestling is totally real, you all!

This was all pretty dumb. Sui and Marci are the coolest characters on the show but they were given nothing to do. Meanwhile, Jane’s hair is still annoying the hell out of me.

Retro Television Review: City Guys 3.5 “The Players” and 3.6 “Raise the Roofies”

Posted on December 15, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Let’s see what’s happening at Manny High! But first, let’s check out the theme song and watch as Chris and Jamal have way too much fun while wandering around New York City together….

Episode 3.5 “The Players”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 2nd, 1999)

Remember, way back during season one, when Ms. Nobel ordered Chris and Jamal to work together on the video yearbook? That was kind of set up as being the season’s big storyline and then it was just abandoned. Instead, Chris and Jamal got their radio show and people like me were left to wonder whatever happened with the video yearbook.

Well, in this episode, City Guys finally addressed the issue of the video yearbook. When Chris and Jamal decide to make a movie and enter it into a film festival, Cassidy asks them what they know about making movies. Chris and Jamal immediately mention the video yearbook. Cassidy replies that they never finished the video yearbook.

Later, Chris and Jamal ask Ms. Nobel, “When have we ever let you down?”

“Well, there was the video yearbook,” Ms. Nobel replies.

I have to admit that I actually laughed at that joke. It’s not often the City Guys makes me smile but this episode succeeded. Not only did I discover that I was right in my suspicion that Chris and Jamal just gave up on the video yearbook but there was also a funny B-plot in which L-Train, Al, and Dawn agreed to be tested for ESP. They were asked to guess what a researcher was looking at on a card. If they gave the wrong answer, they would get an electric shock. Al and L-Train always got the answers right. Dawn got shocked over and over again until the researcher finally revealed that the test was actually a social experiment to see how many time someone could be shocked without getting mad. Again, I laughed, I’ll admit it. Steven Daniel, Caitlin Mowery, and Dion Basco all really sold the story.

As for the main plot, Chris and Jamal try to make a movie together but Jamal wants to make a Spike Lee-style social drama while Chris wants to do an Austin Powers-style spoof. Eventually, they realize that they need to work together so they splice their two films together. Everyone loves the film, of course! And you know what? This plotline also worked far better than I was expecting, with Scott Whyte and Wesley Jonathan really selling both their fight and their eventual collaboration. Jamal’s movie actually felt like a movie that the politically-minded Jamal would make while it’s very easy to imagine that Chris would probably be a huge fan of Austin Powers. For once, the plot and its developments actually felt like an organic result of who the characters were. This was a surprisingly good episode.

Episode 3.6 “Raise the Roofies”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 2nd, 1999)

This episode opens with Al, Jamal, and L-Train giving Chris a hard time about his efforts to date Cassidy. They mention that Cassidy is mad at Chris for dating that Greek girl behind his back. Oh my God — continuity on City Guys!

Anyway, Cassidy has a new boyfriend and his name is Trent. We know that he’s evil because his name is Trent and he’s a student at NYU. No one named Trent is ever a good guy and, in the Engelverse, frat boys are always dating high school students and revealing themselves to be jerks with wandering eyes.

Trent has a roommate named Tom who compliments Trent on his girlfriend. Trent reveals that Cassidy is in high school and she’s a “goody-goody.”

“I guess you’ll be sleeping alone this Friday night,” Tom says.

“Not necessarily,” Trent says with an evil laugh, “I’ll just need a little help from old friend, Mr. Roofie! …. And the best part is that she won’t remember a thing Saturday morning.”

Trent invites Cassidy to a frat party, which makes sense. He also invites all of her high school friends, which makes far less sense. Chris, in an effort to make Cassidy jealous, allows Al to set him up with an old woman, who turned out to be a taxi driver named Cookie. Dawn meanwhile drinks a glass of punch that Trent was about to hand to Cassidy. Dawn ends up passing out and while she’s being taken to the student health center, Trent takes Cassidy back to his room and attempts to drug her a second time. When Cassidy refuses the drink, Trent tries to force himself on her. Fortunately, Chris overheard some other frat boys talking about Trent’s plans and he breaks into the room. Cassidy escapes and, upon learning what happened to Dawn, agrees to go to the police.

Wow, this was a heavy episode! But again, the cast deserves a lot of credit for playing their roles with enough sincerity to make it work and the episode’s message was a good one.

Wow, two good episodes of City Guys in a row! I wonder what next week will bring!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.15 & 1.16 “The Eyes of Love / Masquerade / Hollywood Royalty / The Caper: Parts 1 & 2”

Posted on December 14, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s episode of The Love Boat is one of historical value so let’s climb aboard and get to it!

Episodes 1.15 & 1.16 “The Eyes of Love / Masquerade / Hollywood Royalty / The Caper: Parts 1 & 2”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on January 21st, 1978)

This is an important episode for two reasons.

First off, this episode marked the first time that the opening credits featured video of the guest stars along with their names. This was the only time that this was done during the first season, though it would become a regular feature of the show from the second season forward.

Secondly, excluding the three pilot films that aired before the series was ordered, this was the first super-sized two hour episode of The Love Boat. This episode is split into two parts when it airs in syndication, which is why it’s listed as being the 15th and the 16th episode of The Love Boat.

Oddly enough, despite all of that, it’s pretty much a standard episode. Usually, whenever a TV shows airs an extra-long episode, it’s because some important event is occurring. Usually, either someone’s getting married or someone’s leaving the show or maybe an actor died and the show needs an extra hour to pay tribute to them. In this case, though, it’s just a typical cruise of the love boat, complete with three separate stories and a lot of time spent looking at the ocean.

For instance, Roz Rogers (Michele Lee) and Bill Teague (Fernado Lamas) are a famous and glamorous Hollywood couple who book a voyage and who are followed all the way to the dock by the paparazzi. As quickly becomes clear, Bill and Roz’s relationship is not as perfect as the world believes. Still, Bill is convinced that their relationship can be fixed by Roz co-starring in an old-fashioned adventure film that he wrote. Along with having written the script, Bill hopes to direct, produce, and star in it. Roz is a bit skeptical but fear not, everything works out in the end and she finally convinces Bill that she loves him for him and not because he’s a star.

Roz boards the boat with not just Bill’s script but also a large and valuable diamond. A group of jewelry thieves follow her onto the boat, hoping to steal the diamond for themselves. Vernon (Howard Gould) is the arrogant leader of the group. Taffy (Karen Valentine) distracts Gopher, Doc, and the Captain by flirting with them. Elwood (Larry Storch) is the group’s technician. And Ox (John Schuck) is the muscle who tends to take things literally. When the first attempt to steal the jewel fails, Vernon disguises himself as Captain Stubing and Gavin MacLeod gets a chance to do something more than just look slightly annoyed by the crew. To be honest, I actually enjoyed the jewelry theft subplot far more than I was expecting. Gould, Valentine, Storch, and Schuck all seemed to be having fun playing off of each other. Plus, the whole story ended with a nice little twist that James Cameron would later use in Titanic.

(No, the Love Boat does not sink.)

While this is going on, a blind girl named Jenny (Stephanie Zimbalist) is stunned to discover that one of her former classmates, Steve (Desi Arnaz, Jr.), is also on the boat. Jenny and Steve fall in love but Steve has recently gotten back his sight and Jenny worries that he won’t want to spend the rest of his life with someone who can’t see. Fortunately, it turns out that Jenny’s wrong.

Finally, Alan (Dan Rowan) is horrified to discover that not only are both his wife (Juliet Mills) and his mistress (Adrienne Barbeau) on the cruise together but that they’ve become friends. Alan was an adulterous jerk so it was pretty difficult to really care about this story.

Again, it was pretty much a typical episode of The Love Boat, despite the extra length and the inclusion of a masquerade ball during the episode’s 2nd hour. That said, the thieves were funnier than they had any right to be and the Jenny/Steve storyline was sweet. The ocean scenery was lovely. That’s really all I ask from The Love Boat. This episode delivered.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 1.14 “Call Me Lucky/Torch Song”

Posted on December 13, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the first season of Fantasy Island comes to a close!

Episode 1.14 “Call Me Lucky/Torch Song”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on May 20th, 1978)

As always, this week’s episode of Fantasy Island brings us a collection of guest stars who have all flown to the island to have their fantasies granted. However, none of these fantasies are quite as interesting as the rather bizarre relationship of Mr. Roarke and Tattoo.

I’ve often commented on the fact that, during the first season of this show, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo seemed to harbor a strong dislike for each other. Tattoo was always complaining that Mr. Roarke wasn’t charging enough for the fantasies. Mr. Roarke often chastised Tattoo for his attempts to hit on the guests. Even though they were supposed to be good friends and business partners, nearly every episode seemed to end with Mr. Roarke getting rather exasperated with Tattoo. Reportedly, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize did not get along off-screen and, as I’ve said before, it often seems like that dislike bled into their performances on the show.

This episode begins with Tattoo smoking a pipe and wearing a monocle. As he explains to Mr. Roarke, he’s trying to be appear sophisticated so he can “get all the broads.” He also says that he’s specifically trying to act like Mr. Roarke. Now, I know enough about passive-aggressive behavior that I immediately realized that Tattoo’s compliment was basically his way of accusing Mr. Roarke of being a pompous jackass. Mr. Roarke obviously figured it out as well because, a few scenes later, he takes a twenty dollar bill away from Tattoo and gives it to a guest on the island. When Tattoo objects, Mr. Roarke suavely replies, “Finders keepers, losers weepers.” At the end of the episode, when Tattoo gets his twenty back, Roarke promptly snatches it away from him. It’s hard not to notice that, even with two fantasies to keep an eye on, Mr. Roarke’s main concern seems to be making sure that Tattoo doesn’t get anything that he wants.

As for the fantasies, the first one deals with Harry Beamish (Richard Dawson), a degenerate gambler who has lost his family due to his need to make bets and risk his cash. Harry’s fantasy to be the luckiest guy in the world and, for a day or so, he is. Every bet that he makes pays off. Tattoo even starts to follow Harry around at the race track so that he can too can make money. (Fantasy Island has a racetrack?) But then Harry’s ten year-old son, Joey (Brad Savage), shows up. It turns out that Joey’s fantasy is for his father and his mother to get back together. (Mr, Roarke mentions that he only charged Joey $5 for the fantasy so Tattoo does have a point about Roarke not charging enough.) When Harry realizes that Joey idolizes him and is planning on following in his footsteps, Harry realizes that it’s time to stop gambling and be a father. Awwwwww!

The other fantasy deals with Edith Garvey (Kathryn Holcomb), whose fantasy is to go back to the 20s and become a torch singer. Under the name of Kitty Abilene, she finds a good deal of success. She also falls in love with her piano player, Neil (Edd Byrnes). Unfortunately, two rival gangsters go to war over who owns her contract. Edith’s fantasy ends at the exact moment that the local speakeasy is attacked by crime boss Big Al. Fortunately, it turns out that Neil is also a guest on the island and that he was having a fantasy of his own. Edith and Neil leave the island together. Awwwwww!

The fantasies weren’t bad and, being the 20s loving history nerd that I am, I enjoyed the gangster action. But, ultimately, it was the passive aggressive hostility between Mr. Roarke and Tattoo that made this episode memorable. The first season ended with Roarke rolling his eyes at Tattoo. Will their relationship improve during the second season? We’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 3.1 “Team Captain” and 3.2 “Sexual Harassment”

Posted on December 12, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Welcome to season 3 of Hang Time! Two cast members leave and two join. The theme song remains the same.

Episode 3.1 “Team Captain”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 13th, 1997)

A new school year begins at Deering High and …. wait a minute? Where’s Josh!? Where’s Amy!? Two members of the cast have vanished without warning. The new head cheerleader is Kristy Ford (Amber Barretto), who apparently is good friends with everyone on the show even though the viewers have never seen her before. And replacing Josh as the new player who is obviously destined to become Julie’s boyfriend is Michael Manning (Adam Frost). Michael has transferred to Deering and, unlike Josh, he can’t wait to play on the team!

Mary Beth spent her summer at space camp (even though there’s never been anything about Mary Beth that has suggested she would have any interest in space camp) and, while there, she met and kissed Saved By The Bell‘s Ryan Parker! When the guilt-stricken Mary Beth tells Vince about what happened, Vince dumps her. But then Vince decides to take Mary Beth back on the condition that Mary Beth basically do a bunch of things to prove her love for him. This sounds like the set-up of a 70s porn flick but, since this is a TNBC show, Vince just asks Mary Beth to wait in line to buy tickets to the new Jim Carrey film. Seriously, Mary Beth, don’t take that from him! I would have picked Ryan over Vince too!

At the movies, Vince is approached by a girl with whom he cheated on Mary Beth over the summer. Mary Beth responds by dumping a bunch of nachos on his crotch, once again proving herself to be the coolest girl in Indiana.

Meanwhile, Julie is angry because everyone on the team loves Michael and wants him to be team captain. Julie gets upset that no one wants her to be team captain, despite the fact that she never bothered to tell anyone that she wanted the position and she expected that they would just give it to her. This was a typical Julie storyline, in that Julie was totally self-centered but it was okay because she’s Julie. Eventually, everyone on the team told Julie that they couldn’t possibly win without her and Julie got over being angry.

Episode 3.2 “Sexual Harassment”

(Directed by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 13th, 1997)

In a sure sign that this episode was from the 90s, the men on the team agree to get tattoos but all of the guys get scared and change their minds. Naturally, Julie takes this is an opportunity to make everyone else feel like crap by getting a fake tattoo and then scolding the guys for once again not making her feel like a part of the team. Of course, as the last two seasons have shown, Julie is the only good player on the team and all of her teammates literally worship the ground that she walks on so I’m starting to feel that Julie just likes to complain about stuff.

Fortunately, that was only the B-plot. In the main plot, Mary Beth accidentally spent the team’s entire budget in just one weekend. In order to pay the team back, she got a job as a waitress at The Warehouse. Her boss was the Warehouse’s assistant manager, Tom (Jeremy Vincent Garrett), a former Deering basketball star who apparently used to play for Coach Fuller even though we’ve never seen the character before and the show literally started with Fuller showing up the first day of his coaching job. Tom turns out to be a total creep who is always giving Mary Beth unwanted back rubs and pressuring her to stay late with him. The storyline was handled in a surprisingly mature fashion, considering that this was a TNBC show. A lot of credit for that goes to Megan Parlen and Jeremy Vincent Garrett, who both gave believable performances even when the show itself threatened to get a bit cartoonish. At the end of the episode, Fuller ordered Tom to leave his gym and, for once, the audience’s applause felt earned.

Retro Television Reviews: Born Innocent (dir by Donald Wyre)

Posted on December 11, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Fresh off of her Oscar-nominated role in 1973’s The Exorcist, 15 year-old Linda Blair starred as Christine “Chris” Parker in Born Innocent.

Chris is a 14 year-old who has frequently been caught running away from home. When you consider her home life, it’s easy to understand why she keeps running away. Her father (Richard Jaeckel) is quick to lose his temper and obviously has no clue how to relate to a teenage daughter. When he gets angry at Chris, he beats her. Chris’s mother (Kim Hunter) spends all of her time smoking cigarettes, watching TV, and refusing to acknowledge what Chris is going through. Chris’s older brother (Mitch Vogel) has escaped from their abusive home but he’s now got a family of his own and there’s no room for Chris. With no other options available to her, Chris resorts to frequently running away from home. In the eyes of the system, this makes her both a delinquent and a repeat offender. However, as quickly becomes apparent, Chris is very naïve and hardly a criminal. Instead, she’s just someone trying to escape a terrible situation.

After getting caught once again, Chris is sent to a juvenile detention center. Unfortunately, because of overcrowding, Chris is sent to one of the toughest centers, one where she is surrounded by people who have done a lot more than just run away from home. Everyone knows that Chris doesn’t belong at the center but there’s no where else to send her. With the exception of one teacher (played by Joanna Miles), the staff is too overwhelmed to look after Chris. Meanwhile, the other inmates see Chris as being an easy victim and they start to bully her. Eventually, Chris loses her innocence and becomes just as ruthless and angry as her former victimizers.

Born Innocent is often described as being an exploitation film and, indeed, one can just look at the artwork at the top of this review and see how the film was advertised when it was eventually released on video. That said, the film itself may be undeniably melodramatic but there’s also a sincerity and a sensitivity to it that sets it apart from other women in prison films. Born Innocent is all about how the System creates criminals. From the start of the film, it’s obvious that being locked up is the last thing that Chris needs. Instead, Chris just needs someone to be willing to listen to her but the System would rather just toss her in juvenile hall and then forget about her. Only Chris’s teacher cares about her but, by the time they actually meet, it’s already too late for Chris. She’s already been tossed into a situation where the only thing that matters is survival. Born Innocent is controversial for a scene in which Chris is attacked by several other inmates and sexually assaulted with with a plunger. It’s a shocking scene and I can only imagine have television audiences in 1974 reacted to it. In this scene and the scenes that immediately follow, Linda Blair gives a harrowing performance that captures the emotional trauma of what Chris has been put through. It’s not easy to watch and that’s the point.

Unfortunately, Blair is a bit less convincing during the second half of the film, in which Chris becomes progressively more and more cold-hearted. The idea is that Chris, in order to protect herself, becomes just as intimidating as the girls who attacked her. Unfortunately, the vulnerability that made Linda Blair ideal for The Exorcist and the first half of this film also make it difficult to take her seriously as cold-hearted sociopath. During the second half of the film, Blair tries so hard to come across as being tough that she never convinces us. Later, in films like Savage Streets, Blair would become one of the toughest badasses around but, in this film, she still come across as being essentially born innocent.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 12/4/22 — 12/10/22

Posted on December 10, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I watched a little television this week but not a lot of it. It’s the holidays and I’ve been busy decorating and gift buying. Plus, I had to go the freaking DMV on Thursday to get my license renewed and that took almost all day. Anyway, here’s a few thoughts on what I did watch:

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

Abbott Elementary was cute this week. It was kind of nice to see everyone’s life outside of the school. I guess Ava’s boyfriend was a famous basketball player or somebody? I will admit that I did laugh when he got out of that limo, looked down at Janine, and said, “She’s even shorter than you said.” That said, I’m a little worried that Janine is going to settle for Maurice and fall into the same trap that she found herself in with Tariq.

The Amazing Race (Wednesday Night, CBS)

Yay! I was so excited when Derek and Claire crossed that finish line. I always felt that neither one of them was really treated fairly on Big Brother so it was nice to see them get rewarded. Plus, they’re just an adorable couple. I wrote about the finale of The Amazing Race over at Reality TV Chat Blog.

California Dreams (YouTube)

Surf dudes with attitude …. next week, I’m starting Season 3 and I’m looking forward to it. Season 3 through 5 are the classic California Dreams era. Basically, California Dreams can be split into two separate parts: the pre-Lorena era and the Lorena era. Lorena is the character to whom I’ve always related.

City Guys (Tubi)

The neat guys …. smart and streetwise …. I watched so many episodes of City Guys this week that it made my head hurt. Read my thoughts on two of those episodes here!

Fantasy Island (Tubi)

I wrote about this week’s episode here!

Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday Night, FOX)

Usually, Chef Ramsey seems to secretly like all of the chefs, even the ones that he sends home. But last night, I got the feeling that his dislike for Vlad was very, very real. I feel a bit bad for Vlad but, at the same time, using a cake thermometer to cook meat is not something that a head chef should ever do. That’s like something I would do and there’s no way I’d last more than one dinner service on Hell’s Kitchen.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

Once again, Nolan complained that he wasn’t sure if he could “morally” prosecute a case. Fortunately, this week, McCoy kind of told him to stop bitching and just do his job. Good for McCoy! I mean, I have yet to see any evidence of Price’s high morals causing him to refuse his paycheck.

The Love Boat (Paramount+)

This week’s episode featured a chimpanzee and a nose job! I wrote about it here.

Survivor (Thursday Night, CBS)

Wow! I was stunned when Cody was voted out. Jesse will betray anyone but I also think he’s probably now in a very strong position to win the game next week. I wrote about Survivor at Reality TV Chat Blog.

Like I said, I didn’t watch much this week. I’ve been busy getting ready for the holidays and for a special person’s birthday. I hope everyone’s having a wonderful month! Can you believe 2022 is almost over?

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 2.16 “Rebel Without A Clue” and 2.17 “Dirty Dog Days”

Posted on December 10, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The second season continue as California’s favorite garage band continues to pursue stardom.

Episode 2.16 “Rebel Without A Clue”

(dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on January 15th, 1994)

When he discovers that he’s running the risk of being sent to summer school, Sly finally gets serious about American History and studies for the big test. He gets an A but, since he’s never gotten an A before, his teacher accuses him to cheating. The school disciplinary board also accuses him of cheating, despite the efforts of Jake to defend him. Sly is suspended and told that he’ll have to make up the class in summer school. Jake commends Sly for being a rebel and for refusing to ask for a second chance but Sly really doesn’t want to go to summer school. So, he dresses up like Ben Franklin and, at the school dance, he demands that the history teacher give him an impromptu test.

The teacher agrees with the condition that, if Sly misses just one question, he’ll be expelled.

WHAT!? Seriously, what type of school is this? You’re punished for getting an A? You’re expelled for missing one question? Is any of this legal? Couldn’t Sly and his parents take the school to court? I mean, this is just weird but it doesn’t matter because Sly gets all the questions correct. He not only gets his A but he also wins Jake’s respect somehow.

Meanwhile, both Tiffani and Sam want to sing the Dreams’s newest song. Jake votes for Sam (and votes against his girlfriend, though who knows if they’re still dating at this point as it’s been a few episodes since they last showed each other any hint of affection). Matt votes for Tiffani. It’s up to Tony to break the tie! Tony votes for …. both of them. The song becomes a duet. That seems like such an obvious solution that it’s kind of amazing that no one thought of it beforehand.

This was a weird episode but Jake and Sly made a good team. Michael Cade (who played Sly) was a good enough actor that he could even make you feel sorry for a character whose catch phrase was “Ba-boom!” That’s no small accomplishment.

Episode 2.17 “Dirty Dog Days”

(dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on January 29th, 1994)

This episode opens with Tony and Matt playing basketball in the garage and immediately, I noticed that Tony looked considerably younger and Matt looked a bit shorter than he did in the previous episode. Plus, his hair was quite a bit darker. After Tony tried to pull off a trick shot, Jake came roaring up on his motorcycle. The audience want crazy but I couldn’t help but notice that Jake seems like the old surly Jake from the start of the season as opposed to the more light-hearted version who appeared in the previous episode.

“Where are the girls?” Jake asks, “I want to jam.”

“Tiffani’s waxing her board,” Matt says, “and Jenny’s waxing her legs.”

Jenny? Jenny’s not on the show anymore, Matt! She left a long time ago!

As you probably already guessed, this episode was shown out of order. It was originally meant to be the second episode of the season but NBC decided to air it as the second-to-last. As a result, Jenny is suddenly back and Sam is nowhere to be seen. Jake is not dating Tiffani but he is crushing on Jenny.

As for the episode, Sly’s cousin is dying so Sly steals his radio equipment. Jake goes on the air, pretending to be a DJ named Midnight Mike. For some reason, he introduces the Dreams as being the Dirty Dogs, a British band who is visiting California. (This gives Matt a chance to speak with the worst fake British accent that I’ve ever heard.) It turns out that the radio still works and soon, everyone is talking about the Dirty Dogs. Sly decides that they should use the radio to play the Dreams, under the name of the Dirty Dogs. Everyone loves the music but it doesn’t really do the Dreams any good because no one believes that the Dirty Dogs are actually the Dreams. Got all that?

Somehow, Kelly and Jenny don’t understand that Jake is Midnight Mike and they decide that the Dirty Dogs must have stolen the Dreams’s music and that Midnight Mike “accidentally put us on as the Dirty Dogs.” Jake is particularly upset to discover that Jenny has a crush on Midnight Mike but not on him. This is one of those plots that could have easily been resolved by everyone just being honest and not stupid but then again, there would be no show if that was what everyone did.

Eventually, the FCC shows up. They want to arrest Midnight Mike for his pirate radio activities! Stupid government.

Meanwhile, Sly has announced that the Dirty Dogs will be performing at Sharky’s but instead, it will just be The Dreams performing while wearing dog masks. Instead of telling Tiffani and Jenny the truth, they tell them that they will be pretending to be the Dirty Dogs because Sly “lied” about knowing the Dirty Dogs so they’ll be performing to get Sly out of trouble and …. okay, I’m getting a headache just trying to explain this stuff.

Eventually, the Dreams perform, the FCC is outsmarted, and Jake tells the truth to Jenny. Jenny says that Jake may be the one man she’s met who is just as cool as she thought Midnight Mike was. Yay! They’re in love …. except, of course, Jenny’s leaving for music school or she’s going back to music school, depending on how you want to deal with all of the weird continuity errors that were created by showing this episode out-of-order.

To my surprise, I actually liked his episode, just because of how totally incoherent the plot was. It’s one thing to come up with a plot that makes no sense. It’s another thing to unapologetically embrace making no sense and dare people to stop watching. It’s hard not to admire that type of confidence. Once again, Jay Anthony Franke and Michael Cade went out of their way to have as much fun as possible while making no sense. Plus, the song that the Dreams/Dirty Dogs performed was actually pretty good. For once, the Dreams rocked out.

Next week, season 2 ends and season 3 begins!