Musical Film Review: The Apple (dir by Menahem Golan)

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1980’s The Apple takes place in the future!

Well, actually, it takes place in 1994. The film imagines that, by the year 1994, the world would be a decadent, cynical, and soulless place where everyone listened to the mindless corporate music of Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal). Really, the film’s version of the future wasn’t that far off. It was more 2014 than 1994 but still….

Anyway, at the 1994 Worldvision Music Contest, Boogalow cheats to make sure that the latest shallow offering from BIM defeats a painfully earnest love song that is performed by Alphie (George Gilmour) and his girlfriend, Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart). Boogalow decides to sign Alphie and Bibi to a recording contract. Alphie has visions of earthquakes and imagines being taken to Hell by Boogalow. Alphie refuses to sign the contract. Bibi, having had no such visions, signs the contract and soon, she is a part of the decadent Boogalow world. Alphie, meanwhile, ends up living in a park with Mr. Topps (Joss Ackland) and a bunch of overage hippies. Eventually, the Rapture occurs, largely because something had to happen to finally end this stupid movie.

The Apple was a film that I had heard a lot about before I actually sat down and watched it. Just from what I had heard, I expected it to be bad-but-enjoyable, a disco campfest in the style of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. In fact, I would have been happy if it had just been as silly as Skatetown USA. Unfortunately, The Apple can’t compare to either of those two films. The Apple may be campy but it’s also mind-numbingly dull. It’s only has an 87 minute running time but it feels considerably longer. With one big exception, the music is forgettable. Catherine Mary Stewart probably gives as good a performance as could be expected under the circumstances but George Gilmour is a bland hero. Even Vladek Sheyball, who was so memorable as the villainous chess master in From Russia With Love, makes for a forgettable bad guy.

Now, I did mention that there is one big exception when it comes to the forgettable music and that’s a song that Bibi sings after she’s signed with Boogalow and given up her soul to be a star. The song is called Speed. “America, the land of the free/Is shooting up with her energy/and everyday she has to take more/…. SPEEEEEED!” Bibi performs the song on a stage while a bunch of backup dancers writhe on motorcycles and, for about three minutes, The Apple actually becomes the spectacle that it so obviously wants to be. The song may be about drugs but it’s also about American culture. America is a country that is on the mood. We don’t need any of that fashionable European ennui. We’re all about speed, which is one reason why I love this country. At our most mellow, we still get more done in a day than the average European. No trains for us! We’re a motorcycle nation!

Other than that one scene, though, The Apple feels like a middle school production. We’re told that Boogalow International Music is a decadent company but, in this film, that just means that people speak in an arch tone. It’s a teenager’s impression of what it means to be decadent. We’re meant to turn against BIM when its employees laugh at Alphie for being a boring straight guy. But the fact of the matter is that Alphie is a boring straight guy and his music sucks. The film takes a stand about corporate music but the 0nly alternative that it come up with is boring folk music.

Don’t listen to those who tell you that The Apple is so bad that it’s good. It’s just bad.

The Eric Roberts Collection: Shakey Grounds (dir by Michael Garcia)

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

One of the over 30 films to feature Eric Roberts in 2025, Shakey Grounds tells the story of Travis (Eric Nelsen), a sullen and hard-drinking singer who lives in Arkansas and who is struggling to cope with the suicide of his best friend. When recently fired record company executive Nick (Jonny Danks) shows up in Travis’s home town, it looks like it might be a chance for Travis to become a star. But can Travis get out of his own way or is he destined to just be another angry burn-out?

I will admit that I have a weakness for low-budget films like this one and, as someone who has family in the state, I appreciate that the film took place in Arkansas and that it had a relatively positive attitude towards the Natural State. Some of the performances are better than others. I liked Ella Cannon’s performance as Mel and Mackenzie Ziegler did a good job as a character named Lisa (!), even though she wasn’t given a whole lot to do. The main problem with the film was the script, which was overwritten and full exchanges of dialogue that just didn’t seem to flow naturally. Even worse, I wasn’t really sold on Travis’s music or even Travis himself. For the most part, he just came across as someone trying too hard to be Kurt Cobain. His main song sounded like it was written by an AI that had been prompted to sound angsty.

As for Eric Roberts, he appears in one scene and one scene alone. He plays the president of the record label, the one who fires Nick. Acting from behind a desk, Eric doesn’t even stand up during his performance but he does spit out a few insults with elan. Eric Roberts always seem to have fun playing a mean boss. I can’t wait to see what he has in store for us in 2026!

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

I Loved “Eephus (2025, Dir. by Carson Lund)”

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Dazzling Erin

Eephus is a movie about one very long baseball game.

In a small Massachusetts town, the local baseball field is about to be demolished to make way for a school. Two rec league teams meet to play one final game, drink some beer, and shoot off some fireworks. The Riverdogs are led by Graham (Stephen Radochia), who brokered the deal that’s leading to the field’s destruction. He feels guilty and he wants the two teams to have one final great game. The Riverdogs and Adler’s Paint play a game that, once it becomes tied, goes far into the night. The few spectators leaves. The umpire leaves. But the players keep playing, even in the dark.

Though the player may be middle-aged and out-of-shape, they all love baseball and they love their teams. But Eephus is about more than baseball. It’s also about community and change. Many of the players talk about their memories of growing up playing on the field. They can’t leave until they finish their last game but they also know that their lives will be forever different once the game ends. They may complain about playing in the dark but no one truly wants to get that last out. The players give each other a hard time. The dialogue is frequently very funny but the occasional angry word is still exchanged. But deep down, they’re friends no matter what team they’re on. They may not be professional athletes but baseball is what brought them together. It’s their bond and it’s brought purpose to not only their lives but also to men like Franny (Cliff Blake), who have spend their free time watching the games and keeping the records. When former pitching legend Bill “Spaceman” Lee appears as himself, he’s welcomed to the game as just another local who loves baseball.

Eephus may seem plotless but it’s not. It’s about the community of players and how each of them deals with the inevitability of change. There’s a scene where someone in the stands says that they’ve been watching 30 minutes and they still don’t understand baseball. You don’t have to understand baseball to love Eephus. You just have to appreciate the bonds that bring us all together.

I Watched Perry Mason Returns (1985, Dir. by Ron Satlof)

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Dazzling Erin

When his former secretary, Della Street (Barbara Hale), is arrested for murdering wealthy businessman Arthur Gordon (Patrick O’Neal), Judge Perry Mason (Raymond Burr) resigns from the bench so that he can defend her in court.

Perry Mason Returns reveals who the killer is when the murder happens. The killer is a lowlife named Robert Lynch (James Kidnie), who is wearing a gray wig and a frumpy dress so that everyone will mistake him for Della. It doesn’t take Perry and private detective Paul Dark, Jr. (William Katt) long to discover that Lynch is the murderer but, after someone shoots Lynch, they have to figure out who hired Lynch to kill Gordon. Gordon had recently disinherited his entire family so Perry and Paul have a lot of suspects to consider. 30 minutes in, I thought I knew who the killer was but it turned out I was wrong.

My Aunt Kate loved her detective stories and, when I was growing up, I would always watch them with her whenever we were visiting for the holidays. Watching Perry Mason Returns really made me feel nostalgic, even if it also made me feel dumb for not being able to guess who the killer was. Perry gives up being a judge so that he can defend Della Street in court. That’s true love. William Katt, who plays Paul Drake’s son, was Barbara Hale’s real-life son so I think that proves my theory that Della loved both Perry and Paul.

Perry Mason Returns was fun to watch. It had more action than I was expecting because Paul Drake, Jr. was always getting into tight situations. The movie really tried to make William Katt into an action star. The murder mystery held my attention and, of course, Perry got the murderer to confess on the stand and on the record. Some things never change! One thing that really amused me was that, as soon as Perry took the case, everyone naturally assumed he would win. Della wasn’t worried for a minute, even though she was facing life in prison. “You didn’t tell me Perry Mason was her lawyer!” Robert Lynch yelled at the person who hired him. He knew the gig was up. Perry Mason always wins!

Watching Perry Mason Returns, I felt like I was a kid again, watching movies with my Aunt Kate and trying to solve the mystery with her. All of the Perry Mason made-for-TV movies are on YouTube so I’ll be reviewing more of them in the future.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988, directed by David Zucker)

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Jedadiah Leland

Let’s take a moment to appreciate Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), a true American hero.

Even though Frank is just a Los Angeles cop, he still goes to the Middle East and disrupts a conference of America’s greatest enemies. He beats up Fidel Castro. He knocks out Gadafi and Yasser Arafat. He cleans Gorbachev’s head. (“I knew it!” he says as the birthmark disappears.) He takes out Idi Amin and he sends the Ayatollah Khomeini through a window. Thirty-seven years ago, this scene opened The Naked Gun and, after all that time, it is still funny because Leslie Nielsen plays it all with a straight face, delivering his silly lines without flinching. It’s also interesting that none of the leaders taken down by Frank Drebin are around anymore. Khomeini died just a few months after this film came out. Gorbachev was the last to go, in 2022, by which time he was no longer an enemy. Consider it the Frank Drebin Effect. He’s making the world safe for democracy.

When Drebin returns to Los Angeles, he’s informed by Captain Ed Hocken (George Kennedy) that Police Squad has been put in charge of security for a visit from Queen Elizabeth (Jeanette Charles) and that Officer Nordberg (O.J. Simpson) is in the hospital and suspected of being a dirty cop. The Mayor (Nancy Marchand) doesn’t want Los Angeles to be embarrassed by a police scandal before the Queen arrives so Drebin has 24 hours to exonerate Nordberg. Drebin’s attempt to clear Nordberg’s name leads him to a shipping magnate (Ricardo Montalban) who has come up with a diabolical scheme to assassinate the Queen at a baseball game. It also leads to love between Drebin and Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley).

Though Liam Neeson did a fine job in the recent reboot, there really is only one Frank Drebin and his name is Leslie Nielsen. The original Naked Gun is nearly 40 years old and, even if some of the jokes are dated, it’s still laugh out loud funny. Most of the credit has to go to Leslie Nielsen and ability to deliver even the most bizarre bits of dialogue with natural authority, gravitas and a straight face. Whether he’s mumbling his way through the National Anthem, paying an informer for information, or hamming it up as an umpire, Nielsen is never less than hilarious. By the end of the movie, it’s impossible to look at Nielsen without laughing. Kennedy, Presely, and Montalban also generate their share of laughs. John Houseman has a great cameo as an unflappable driving instructor. (“Now, extend your middle finger.”) As for OJ Simpson, he doesn’t seem to be in on the joke like the rest of the cast but he does frequently get injured and re-injured throughout the movie and there’s definitely some pleasure to be found in that.

(When Simpson died, director David Zucker said, “His acting was a lot like his murdering: He got away with it, but no one believed him.” That sounds about right.)

Liam Neeson made for a fine Frank Drebin, Jr. I hope he has many more adventures. But the greatest Frank Drebin will always be Leslie Nielsen and the original Naked Gun will always be one of my favorite comedies. Sometimes, it’s good just to laugh.

Thank you, David Zuker.

Thank you, Jerry Zucker.

Thank you, Jim Abrahams.

And most of all, thank you, Leslie Nielsen.

The Apache Kid’s Escape (1930, directed by Robert J. Horner)

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Jedadiah Leland

In the old west, the Apache Kid (Jack Perrin) has decided to go straight because his own mother refuses to accept the stolen money that he sends home. Unfortunately, other outlaws, like Buck Harris (Bud Osborne), continue to break the law while wearing the Apache Kid’s trademark checkered scarf so the Apache Kid still has a posse after him.

Using the alias Jim, the Kid gets a job working at a local ranch. Ranch hand Ted Conway (Fred Church) is looking forward to marrying Jane Wilson (Josephine Hill), the daughter of the ranch’s owner. Ted’s father, Frank (Henry Roquemore), wants Jane for himself so he reveals that Ted is actually adopted and no one knows who his real parents are. Jane’s father (Horace B. Carpenter) announces that the wedding is canceled. So, Ted decides to take on the identity of the Apache Kid and rob a stagecoach. After Ted is arrested, Jim has to return to his old ways to help Ted get out of jail.

The Apache Kid’s Escape is a 47-minute poverty row western that is remembered for being one of the first westerns to feature recorded sound. Unfortunately, the movie sounds terrible, with a steady hum in the background and all of the actors speaking slowly, loudly, and very precisely while awkwardly trying not to look straight at the camera. Everyone noticeably hesitates before speaking, as if waiting for the director to give them the signal to go. With all of the humans struggling to speak, the film’s best performance comes from Starlight the Horse, who is a natural star. Jack Perrin went on to have an active career in B-westerns so maybe he learned how to handle acting with sound.

This was the only film to feature Perrin as the Apache Kid and it’s easy to see why. The plot doesn’t even try to make sense. If Jim wants to escape being the Apache Kid, he should be happy that so many other people are willing to take over the role for him. Perrin is also stuck wearing a really big hat, which makes him look more like a Blazing Saddles extra than a cowboy star.

There were a lot of bad westerns made during the early days of the sound era. The Apache Kid’s Escape might be the worst.

Catching Up With The Films of 2025: The Fantastic Four: First Steps (dir by Matt Shankman)

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I have to admit that I groaned when Marvel’s The Fantastic Four: First Steps opened with a title card informing me that it was taking place on “Earth-828.”

You have to understand that all of the multiverse nonsense is the one of the main things that led to me losing interest in both the Marvel and the DC films. The idea that there are multiple Earths out there and they’ve all got different versions of the same heroes and villains just feels incredibly lazy to me. It’s like a get out of jail free card. If you make a bad movie, you can just claim that it was took place on another Earth. If a character dies on one Earth, it doesn’t really matter because there’s another version out there. What are the actual stakes when there’s a million different Earths to choose from? For that matter, if I’m presumably living on Earth-1, why should I care about Earth-828? Earth-828 has nothing to do with me.

Imagine my surprise, then, when one of the best things about the film was that it turned out to be that it was taking place on an alternate Earth, one that mixes the culture of the 1960s with advanced technology and a retro-futuristic style. This is a rare Marvel film that is enjoyable just to look at. The production design is top-notch, mixing the past with the future in a very playful way. As much as I dislike the whole multiverse thing, Earth-828 does seem like it would be a fun place to visit.

Earth-828 has advanced technology because of its only team of super heroes, the Fantastic Four. Fortunately, Marvel seems to understand that 1) origin stories tend to be bland in general and 2) viewers have already had to sit through two disappointing and presumably unrelated Fantastic Four films that centered around them getting their powers. So, First Steps opens with the team having already taken their trip into space, the one that led to them returning with altered DNA. Reed Richards (Pedro Pascal) can stretch himself. His wife, Susan Storm Richards (Vanessa Kirby), can turn invisible and knock things around with …. invisibility rays, I guess. Susan’s brother, Johnny (Joseph Quinn), can burst into flame and fly. (Wow, DNA is amazing!) And their friend, Ben Grimm (Ebon Moss-Bachrach), has skin that has been transformed into a layer of orange rock. Ben can knock holes in walls but he can’t seem to get the world to understand that there is an intelligent and kind-hearted soul underneath the fearsome exterior. The citizens of Earth-828 are worshipful of the Fantastic Four and the team has ushered in an era of peace.

When a naked silver woman on a surfboard (Julia Garner) appears in Times Square, she announces that Earth has been selected as the latest feast for Galactus (Ralph Ineson), a giant creature who is so powerful that he must consume planets in order to satisfy his appetite. Galactus offers to spare Earth but only if he is given Reed and Susan’s baby, Franklin. Galactus says that Franklin possesses the “power cosmic,” which is something that I assume we’re going to be hearing a lot about over the next few MCU films.

As far as later phase Marvel productions are concerned, The Fantastic Four: First Steps is an entertaining-enough film. Vanessa Kirby is a bit on the dull side as Sue but it should be noted that, in all of the various film versions of The Fantastic Four, Sue has always been the least interesting member of the group. Pascal is likable as Reed, even if his stretchy superpower feels a bit silly. Ebon Moss-Bachrach and Joseph Quinn both give strong performances, with Quinn especially bringing some depth to a character who, in lesser hands, could come across as being shallow. Ralph Ineson is a properly intimidating villain and Julia Garner has just the right amount of sad-eyed intensity for the role of the morally ambiguous Silver Surfer. The film looks great, the retro style holds the viewer’s attention, and there are a few moments of genuine wit that harken back to the best moments of the 1st phase of the MCU. That said, it’s hard to ignore that this is yet another Marvel movie where the whole thing ends with a fairly predictable battle and a healthy dose of Dues Ex Machina. The film is entertaining but it definitely sticks to the established MCU formula.

The film ends with a mid-credits scene and a promise that the story will continue in Avengers: Doomsday. I wonder what Earth that one will take place on.

The TSL Grindhouse: Record City (dir by Dennis Steinmetz)

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1977’s Record City opens with a montage of rear-focused close-ups of women wearing short shorts and that pretty much tells you all that you really need to know about the film. It’s crass, shameless, and very much a product of its time.

The film takes place over the course of one day at a California vinyl record shop. It’s tempting to compare the film to something like Empire Records but, unlike Empire Records, Record City suggests that working in a record store is perhaps the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. The store is dirty and grimy. The customers are rude and played by vaguely familiar comedy actors, all of whom seem to have been bitten by the overacting bug before stepping in front of the camera. The employees all seem to hate each other. Marty (Tim Thomerson) keeps getting slapped and kicked by Vivian (Deborah White). Vivian keeps getting groped by almost every customer and employee who walks by her. The only thing that Vivian hates more than men is other women. The store’s owner (Jack Carter) is in trouble with the mob. The store’s manager (Michael Callan) is lech who wears gold chains, keeps his shirt unbuttoned, and who expects the new cashier, Lorraine (Wendy Schaal), to sleep with him because, after all, he did hire her. Danny (Dennis Bowen) is the shy guy with a crush on Lorraine. Rupert (Stuart Goetz) is the nerdy virgin who goes from wearing a bowtie to dressing like a swinger but he still can’t get laid. Both the customers and the employees are paranoid about “fairies” coming into Record City. Pokey (Ed Begley, Jr.) wants to hold the place up and who can blame him? Really, the only likable employee is a black man known only as The Wiz and that’s just because he’s played by Ted Lange. (Yes, Isaac the Bartender from The Love Boat.) Lange gets to perform a song at the end of the film.

When the film isn’t focused on the antics inside Record City, it’s all about the talent show that’s taking place in a nearby parking lot. The talent show is hosted by radio DJ Gordon Kong (Rick Dees) and it gives the film an excuse to trot out a bunch of cameos, some of whom are more recognizable than others. For instance, Gallagher — the comedian with the sledgehammer — shows up. Kinky Friedman also shows up, playing himself and looking for records at Record City. When he spots a woman with a blonde bowl cut and glasses, he accuses her of being John Denver and then grabs her breasts. And to think — less than 30 years later, Kinky Friedman would run for governor of my homestate.

Anyway, this is a terrible and rather boring movie but I did find it interesting for one reason. It’s the reason why I find so many grindhouse films to be interesting. Shot on location and for no other reason than to make money, Record City is a true product of its time. There’s no attempt to try to make the 70s look nicer than they were. There’s no attempt to try to make the record store look like anything more than a tacky establishment. There’s an honesty to how low-rent the whole thing is. Watching the movie is like stepping into a time machine and getting a chance to experience the past firsthand. I was born long after the 70s but, after watching this film, I now feel like I’ve been there.

Film Review: The Final Countdown (dir by Don Taylor)

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1980’s The Final Countdown opens with a series of stunning overhead shots of Pearl Harbor. Warren Lasky (Martin Sheen), a systems analyst for Tideman Industries, is sent by his mysterious employer to observe operations on the USS Nimitz. Captain Yelland (Kirk Douglas), the commanding officer of the Nimitz, is polite to Lasky, even if he doesn’t quite understand why he’s been sent. For that matter, Lasky’s not sure what he’s supposed to do either. When the Nimitz is surrounded by a sudden storm and programs from 1941 start playing over the radio, Yelland suspects that it’s some sort of test and that Lasky has been sent to see how they react. However, when two Japanese airplanes are spotted overhead, it becomes clear that the Nimitz has somehow traveled through time. The date is December 6th, 1941 and, in just 24 hours, the Japanese are going to attack Pearl Harbor.

Commander Dick Owens (James Farentino) argues that it would be dangerous to try to change history by attacking the approaching Japanese fleet. However, it appears that the Nimitz has already changed history by saving the life of U.S. Senator Samuel Chapman (Charles Durning), who Owens believes would have been Roosevelt’s running mate in 1944 if he hadn’t been killed the day before Pearl Harbor. With Chapman demanding that Pearl Harbor be warned and Lasky arguing that the Nimitz should try to change history by preventing the attack, Captain Yelland has a decision to make.

The Final Countdown was made with the full support of the U.S. Navy. The production was allowed to film on the Nimitz and, outside of the main stars, the crew of the Nimitz played themselves. As a result, there’s a lot of awkward line deliveries amongst the minor characters but there’s also an authenticity to the film that elevates the story. Even when it becomes obvious that the Nimitz has traveled back to 1941, the crew handles things in a professional manner. One comes into the film expecting a good deal of panic and freaking out and instead, the movie offers up a ship of people who play it cool and who get the job done and it’s kind of nice to see. As for the professional actors, they all play their parts well enough. Charles Durning gets to bluster a bit as the senator and Katharine Ross (playing the senator’s secretary) looks like she’d rather be anywhere but on a aircraft carrier but Kirk Douglas, Martin Sheen, James Farentino, and Ron O’Neal all give solid, if not particularly memorable, performances.

The film asks an interesting question. Would you change history? For that matter, can history actually be changed? If the Nimitz prevented the attack on Pearl Harbor, would it have changed history for the better (as Lasky suggests) or would it have just kept America out of the war for a longer period of time? Would Japan have given up its plans to attack America or would its leaders have tried again? On a personal note, I’ve been to Pearl Harbor and it’s a moving experience. It’s hard not to look down at the remains of the USS Arizona and not feel something. I remember that, when I looked down at the Arizona, the first thing that I felt was anger that a ship that was sunk in an unprovoked attack also served as the tomb so many men who served their country. But then I felt a certain pride in the fact that, in the 1940s, America didn’t take that attack lying down. America didn’t make excuses or surrender. America stood for itself and kicked some ass and the world was and is better for it.

As for The Final Countdown, Don Taylor’s direction is fairly stolid (Taylor was no visual stylist) and there’s never really any explanation as to why the Nimitz went into the past in the first place. That said, I enjoyed the film. The premise is an intriguing one and the final twist works far better than one might expect. The Final Countdown is a good film that gets the job done.

Film Review: The Cassandra Crossing (dir by George Pan Cosmatos)

Posted on January 1, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1976’s The Cassandra Crossing opens with a shot of the headquarters of the World Health Organization in Geneva, Switzerland. Though the film (and the shot) may be from the 70s, one look at the ugly brutalism of the WHO’s headquarters is all it takes to understand the mentality that, nearly 50 years later, would lead to the organization serving as China’s mouthpiece during the COVID pandemic.

Three Swedish terrorists attack the American mission at the WHO. One of them is killed by a guard. Another immediately falls victims to an unidentified disease that is apparently a new form of the Bubonic plague. The third (Lou Castel) escapes and boards a train that is heading for Sweden. Two Americans, Col. MacKenzie (Burt Lancaster) and Major Stack (John Phillip Law), and Swedish doctor Elena Stadner (Ingrid Thulin), try to figure out how to stop the spread of the infection.

While the infected terrorist lurches around the train, the passengers go through their own personal dramas. Renowned neurologist Jonathan Chamberlain (Richard Harris) flirts with his ex-wife, writer Jennifer Rispoli (Sophia Loren). Wealthy Nicole Dressler (Ava Gardner, whose voice sounds like a cigarette ad) boards the train with her heroin-addicted younger boyfriend, Robby Navarro (a long-haired, dark glasses-wearing Martin Sheen, acting up a storm and apparently having a lot of fun for once). Herman Kaplan (Lee Strasberg) is a regular on the train, a Holocaust survivor who enjoys a good chess game with the conductor, Max (Lionel Stander). Haley (OJ Simpson) is a narcotics agent who is disguised as a priest. Susan (Ann Turkel) is the hippie who just wants to have sex with her boyfriend (Ray Lovelock) but who keeps getting interrupted by other passengers. When she complains about already having had to already deal with one “sweaty pervert” during the day, Chamberlain replies, “Which sweaty pervert?” By this point, Chamberlain knows about the infected man and is trying to track him down before he can infect anyone else on the train.

The Cassandra Crossing is several films in one. It’s an all-star disaster film. It’s medical thriller. Once Col. MacKenzie decides that the best way to deal with the train (and to cover-up the fact that America was researching germ warfare) would be to send the train over the infamous Cassandra Crossing, an unstable bridge that is on the verge of collapse, it becomes a conspiracy thriller. It’s all a bit ludicrous, though in this post-pandemic age, there is definitely a renewed power to the images of Hazmat suit-wearing soldiers carrying submachine guns and threatening to kill anyone who resists going into quarantine. When it comes to films that make Hazmat suits look menacing, The Cassandra Crossing can proudly stand with George Romero’s The Crazies and Zombi 3.

Of course, with any disaster film, the real purpose of the movie is to gather together a collection of familiar faces and then allow the viewer to spend two hours trying to guess who will survive and who will not. The cast is full of actors who all probably deserved a better script. Richard Harris, Burt Lancaster, and Ingrid Thulin all look somewhat embarrassed. Ava Gardner and Martin Sheen fully embrace the melodrama. In fact, it’s hard for me to think of any other movie where Sheen actually seemed to be having as much fun as he does while playing the drug-addicted, prone-to-histrionics mountain climber in The Cassandra Crossing. As was typical of his film career, O.J. Simpson gives a very earnest performance. He’s not exactly good but it’s obvious that he’s trying really hard and it would make him likable if not for the fact that he’s O.J. Simpson, just 20 years away from getting away with murder. Out of the ensemble cast, Lionel Stander, Lee Strasberg, and Sophia Loren are the one who probably come the closest to actually giving good performances. Loren’s husband, Carlo Ponti, produced the film with Sir Lew Grade and Loren gives a performance that is blessed with the confidence of knowing her career had survived far worse than The Cassandra Crossing.

The Cassandra Crossing is the epitome of a film that’s not necessarily good but which is definitely entertaining. Between the drama-stuffed plot and the overwritten dialogue and the performances of Gardner and Sheen, it’s campy in the way that only an overproduced 70s disaster film can be. For certain viewers, there’s undoubtedly a lot of joy to be found in the scenes in which the passengers finally start to stand up to the authoritarians trying to force them into quarantine. That said, this is one of those films where we’re not meant to get particularly upset about hundreds of innocent people dying just because the main characters managed to come through unscathed. The film’s ending is right up there with Man of Steel as far as needless destruction is concerned. Fortunately, the ending also features some terrible miniature shots, all of which remind us not to take it all too seriously.

To paraphrase another 70s film: “Forget it, Jake. It’s The Cassandra Crossing.“