Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, there’s a heatwave on the beach!

Episode 1.7 “Heatwave”

(Dir by Lyndon Chubbuck, originally aired on April 13th, 1996)

A heatwave has hit Santa Monica!  Everyone is sweltering and the cameras of Pacific Blue are there to record every drop of sweat.  The AC at Chris’s apartment is not working so, while she waits for it to get repaired, she moves in with TC.  What will TC’s girlfriend think of that?  Actually, she won’t think anything about that because her character disappeared after the pilot.

As I watched this episode, it occurred to me that the show’s writers really seemed to have no idea who the characters actually were.  Instead of coming across like actual human beings, every character has one personality trait that the writers insist on hammering into every scene.  Chris is always complaining about something.  Even after TC offers to let her stay at his apartment, Chris complains.  Chris complains so much that it actually becomes a bit whiny on her part.  But it’s not really Chris’s fault.  It’s the fault of the writers who obviously assumed that writing a “strong woman” meant making her act like a bitch no matter what the situation.  TC’s character trait is that he has a permanent chip on his shoulder even though every episode so far has essentially been a TC love fest.  He’s second-in-command of the bike cops.  He’s never held responsible for his mistakes.  He comes from a rich family.  Lt. Palermo praises him nonstop.  And yet TC always seems like he’s bitter about something.  And, as with Chris’s permanent bad mood, it’s just because the show’s writers didn’t bother to give him a personality beyond always acting like he has something to prove.  The episodes hints at an attraction between Chris and TC but they would really be a terrible couple.

This episode finds a radio sex therapist (Maura Peters) being stalked by Jordan Crane (Denis Forest, playing the same type of creepy psycho that he played on multiple episodes of Friday the 13th), a listener who is obsessed with her and who murders anyone who he thinks is getting too close to her.  TC has a crush on the sex therapist.  Chris dislikes the sex therapist and thinks TC is dumb because of course she does.  Chris and TC run afoul the homicide detective, Bart Browning (Barry Lynch), who is investigating the case.  Browning doesn’t have much respect for cops who ride bicycles.  Palermo, Chris, and TC go out of their way to change his mind.

So, yes, this is yet another episode where Pacific Blue tries to convince us that cops on bikes aren’t as dorky and useless as they look.  Every time Browning makes fun of them, we get a shot of the bike cops chasing a thief or investigating a lead.  The problem is that Browning does have a point.  The cops do look really silly on their bikes.  The fact that they often have to pick up and carry their bikes doesn’t help.  And listen, this is not an anti-bicycle thing.  I have a bike,  I occasionally ride it in the park.  (What I don’t do is ride it in the middle of the street.)  When you’ve got asthma like me, cycling is a good way to keep your lungs healthy.  But if I need the police, I want to see a squad car and I don’t want to have to deal with anyone wearing shorts.

While this is going on, Victor and Cory investigate a thief who hires strippers to perform in stores and bars.  While everyone is distracted, the thief robs the place.  This storyline actually did make me laugh a little.  All of the male witnesses could perfectly describe the strippers but none of them even saw the man sneaking behind the counter with a gun.  In the end, the thief is captured in an elaborate undercover sting.  Cory and Chris pretend to be the dancers while Palermo pretends to be the bartender and the thief soon discovers everyone else in the bar is a cop as well.  At least in this storyline, Chris’s bad mood had to do with being annoyed with the objectification of women as opposed to being mad because someone offered her a place to stay so she wouldn’t die of heatstroke.

Finally, Elvis discovers a lot of holes on the beach and thinks that the aliens are coming.  It turns out that a local golf course was just stealing the sand for their sand traps.  I’m glad that worked out!

As much as I’ve complained, this episode of Pacific Blue was a slight improvement over the previous few episodes, if just because the the subplots were vaguely interesting and/or amusing.  Chris and TC continue to be the weakest part of the show.  Hopefully, they’ll get some new personality traits soon.