Author Archives: Jedadiah Leland

Resist The Call: Cthulhu Mansion (1992, directed by Juan Piquer Simon)

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After murdering a drug dealer at an amusement park, Hawk (Brad Fisher) and his gang of teenage thugs take Chandu (Frank Finlay) and his daughter, Lisa (Marcia Layton), hostage.  As Hawk and company set up shop in Chandu’s mansion, Chandu warns them that they should leave before the mansion destroys them.  Chandu has been summoning the forces of darkness and now they’re living in his basement.  They already killed Chandu’s wife and now, they’re prepared to kill Hawk and the gang.

Hawk doesn’t believe a word that Chandu has to say.  Plus, Hawk’s younger brother has been shot in the leg so they have no choice but to spend at least one night in the mansion.  That turns out to be a big mistake.  Before the night ends, Hawk’s brother ends up possessed, a woman gets pulled into a refrigerator, Hawk’s second-in-command drowns in a shower full of blood, and the mansion’s just getting started!

A Spanish-American co-production, Cthulhu Mansion was directed by Juan Piquer Simon, who earned a cult following for directing movies like Pieces, Slugs, and the immortal Pod People.  Cthulhu Mansion never comes close to being as good as any of those films.  Legitimately great actor Frank Finlay hams it up as Chandu and gets to wear some headgear that makes him look like Carnac The Magnificent but everyone else in the movie is forgettable and, with the exception of the blood shower, none of the deaths show any of the creativity that Simon brought to Slugs.  Worst of all, Cthulhu doesn’t even make a cameo appearance.

While some may be tempted to watch because of the film’s appropriation of the Cthulhu name, resist the call of Cthulhu Mansion.  H.P. Lovecraft wouldn’t have even stepped foot inside this house.

Music Video of the Day: Rock and Roll All Nite By KISS (1975, directed by ????)

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Do you remember what people used to think KISS stood for?

Knights in Satan’s Service.  Preachers and community leaders were told and actually believed that the band was trying to put teenagers under the thrall of Satan.

Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.  Paul Stanley came up with KISS and it was never meant to be anything other than a cool name.  As Peter Criss explained it, “”It really means a lot. It’s the first thing you do to a chick or anybody. It could also be the kiss of death. It’s a strong word. It’s easy to remember.”

Still, the members of KISS didn’t hesitate to play up their dangerous image.  Gene Simmons may have been a self-described “nice Jewish boy from Long Island,” but when he was on stage, he became the blood-drinking Demon.  (When Marvel published a KISS comic book in 1977, the red ink was said to contain drops of the band’s blood.)

What’s funny to me about old school KISS is that they would come out on stage, made-up to look like hardcore demons and monsters.  Fires would burn as they performed.  Blood would pour out of Gene Simmons’s mouth.  KISS went out of their way to look evil but their music was so radio friendly that it could probably be played at a church retreat.  The idea that anyone believed that they were “knights in Satan’s service” seems ludicrous today.

Rock and Roll All Nite was written by Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.  Their goal in writing the song was to come up with an anthem for their fans and no one can deny that they succeeded.  This video was a promo video that was released, along with the song, in 1975.  Like most music videos that were produced in the pre-MTV days, the video keeps things simple and focuses on KISS performing in front of an enthusiastic crowd.

Decades later, a second video would be released for Rock and Roll All Nite.  However, that video features KISS without their makeup and that just feels wrong.

Stay Out Of The Woods: Ticks (1993, directed by Tony Randel)

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Don’t go in the wood alone, kids!  There are giant ticks out there that can attach themselves to you, lay their eggs under your skin, and then cause your face to explode when the eggs hatch!  It’s all because of the steroids that local farmer Jarvis Tanner (Clint Howard) has been using to enhance his marijuana crop.  The end result may be good weed but you will  be dead from a tick bite before you get to enjoy it.  That’s bad news for Jarvis, who keeps stepping in bear traps and who, at one point, has a dozen tick eggs drop on him.  It’s even worse news for the group of juvenile delinquents who have been sentenced to spend a weekend camping in the woods.

Mostly because the film featured the beautiful Ami Dolenz as one of the delinquents, Ticks used to be a mainstay on late night HBO.  It combines the basic features of a 50s monster movie with the gore-filled style of a 90s splatter film.  What Ticks may have lacked in originality, it made up for in scenes of people’s faces exploding.  Make no mistake about it.  This one is for splatter fans.

Ticks has an interesting cast.  If you have ever wanted to see Alfonso “Carlton” Ribiero play a gangbanger, this is the movie for you.  The nerdiest juvenile delinquent is played by Seth Green while TV regular Peter Scolari plays an idealistic social worker and Rance Howard (father of Ron and Clint) plays the local sheriff who loses his legs.  And finally, there’s Clint Howard, giving it his all in yet another straight-to-video horror film.  Clint suffers even more indignities than usual in Ticks but he never gives up hope.  Clint’s scenes were directed by the film’s executive producer, Brian Yuzna, and added after the first cut of the film was judged to be missing something.  That was a good decision on Yuzna’s part because Clint Howard is easily the best part of the film.

Today, the appeal of Ticks is mostly one of nostalgia.  This is the type of mind-warping stuff that we used to watch when we were growing up.  This is what we used to rent at Blockbuster while our parents were looking for the latest Oscar nominees.  This is what late night cable used to be all about.

Music Video of the Day: Would You Love a Monsterman by Lordi (2006, directed by Pete Riski)

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Yesterday, I shared the first music video for Lordi’s Would You Love A Monsterman?  Today’s music video of the day is the second video for Would You Love A Monsterman?

This second video takes the plot of the first video and replaces the little girl in the woods with a young woman in a morgue.  There’s no doll in this video but there is twice as much killing.  Again, the video ends with the main character deciding that yes, she can love a monsterman.

People Are Dumb: Happy Hell Night (1992, directed by Brian Owens)

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In 1966, Father Zachary Malius (Charles Cragin), a priest-turned-Satanist, murders a group of frat boys who have broken into his family’s crypt as part of an initiation prank.  After he’s captured by policeman Henry Collins (Sam Rockwell), Malius falls into a catatonic state and is sent to a mental asylum

25 years later, two pledges from the same fraternity break into the asylum so that they can take their picture with Father Malius.  Why?  Because people are dumb.  Of course, as soon as they take their picture, Father Malius wakes up and goes on a rampage.  Armed with a pickax and an endless supply of one-liners that even Freddy Krueger would have turned down, Father Malius heads back to the fraternity.  Also returning to the frat is retired Detective Henry Collins (who is now played by a clearly slumming Darren McGavin).

When I was growing up in the 90s, Happy Hell Night used to be a mainstay on late night HBO.  It’s a typical straight-to-video slasher, distinguished only be a few familiar faces in the cast  and a decently scary murderer.  With his pale skin and his gaunt appearance, Malius looks like Nosferatu in a priest’s collar.  Charles Cragin has a perfect thousand-yard stare for the role.  It’s just too bad that Happy Hell Night was made at the time when every killer had to be a comedian because most of Malius’s one-liners feel out of place for a Satanist who has spent the last 25 years locked away in an asylum.

As for the familiar faces, Happy Hell Night not only features future Oscar winner Sam Rockwell in a small role but also CSI’s Jorja Fox , who shows up just long enough to get hit in the head with a pickax.  When the movie was released, Darren McGavin was the best-known member of the cast.  He has about five minutes of screen time and overacts his death scene like a real pro.

 

Music Video of the Day: Would You Love A Monsterman by Lordi (2002, directed by ????)

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There are actually two music videos of Lordi’s Would You Love A Monsterman, one that was released in 2002 and another one from 2006.  This is the 2002 video.

This version features a young girl playing with a dirty doll in the woods when Lordi suddenly appears and invites her to join them.  They even set her doll on fire but she still decides to join.  That is the power of Lordi.

Lordi is a Finnish band, who have been making music since 1992.  An earlier version of Would You Love A Monsterman was recorded under the title I Would Do It All For You in 1993.  When I Would Do It All For You was turned into Would You Love a Monsterman in 2002, it became Lordi’s first big hit.

Four years after this video was released, Lordi would make history as both the only Finnish and the only “hard rock” act to win the Eurovision song contest with their song, Hard Rock Hallelujah.

Elwes Unbound: American Crime (2004, directed by Dan Mintz)

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Smalltown reporter Jessie St. Clair (Rachael Leigh Cook) has stumbled across the story of her career.  A stripper and a prostitute have been murdered.  Before committing the murders, the killer sent each victim a video tape of him stalking her.  With the help of her producer, Jane (Annabella Sciorra), and her cameraman, Rob (Kip Pardue), Jessie sets out to try to solve the case but when she receives a videotape that indicates that she might be the next victim, she quits her job and vanishes.

Then, Albert Bodine (Cary Elwes) shows up in town.  Albert says that he’s the anchor of the UK’s top true crime show, American Crime, and that he wants to investigate not only the two murders but also Jessie’s disappearance.  When both Rob and Jane are suddenly fired by their station, they reluctantly agree to work with Albert.  Albert soon proves himself to be so incompetent that his new colleagues start to wonder if he’s actually who he says he is.  Meanwhile, another videotape turns up, this one starring Jane.

The tone of American Crime is all over the place and it never seems to be sure if it wants to scare us or if it wants to make us laugh but there are some tense scenes and a good twist ending.  American Crime tries to strike a balance between being a horror/thriller and a satire of media sensationalism.  It doesn’t always succeed but you really haven’t lived until you’ve seen Cary Elwes play a sleazy tabloid reporter.  Imagine an even more hyperactive version of Robert Downey, Jr’s performance in Natural Born Killers and you’ll have some idea of what Cary Elwes does in this movie.  Elwes sweats profusely, bulges his eyes, speaks with an extremely affected English accent, and plays with his hair every time he passes a mirror.  Everything sets him off, from his camera falling off of its tripod to people questioning his journalistic credibility.  Though the movie does feature good roles for underappreciated actresses like Rachael Leigh Cooke and Annabella Sciorra, Elwes is definitely the best thing about and the main reason to watch American Crime.

Music Video of the Day: I’ll Bite Your Face Off by Alice Cooper (2011, directed by ????)

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To quote Alice Cooper himself:

“This is my tip-of-the-hat to early Rolling Stones.  Like in 1964/65 when their songs were very Chuck Berry orientated. They just feel so good, in the pocket. This song was begging to be in the live show. We’ve done it in four different continents now and no one had ever heard it. By the second chorus, the whole audience is singing ‘I’ll Bite Your Face Off.’ It’s the perfect little 3 minute hit single.”

I’ll Bite Your Face Off was the first single to be released off Welcome 2 My Nightmare, Alice Cooper’s 26th studio album and a follow-up to Cooper’s 1975 album, Welcome To My Nightmare.  Each song represents a different aspect of a bad dream.  In I’ll Bite Your Face Off, Alice dreams about being introduced to the devil.

The video was filmed at several different live venues.  One of these performances was at the 100 Club in London, where actor Johnny Depp joined the band on guitar.

Weekly Trailer Round-Up: Dark Phoenix, Holmes & Watson, Bumblee, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindenwald, They Shall Not Grow Old

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The biggest trailer that dropped this week was the trailer for Creed II, which Lisa shared on Wednesday.  Here’s the best of the rest.

The X-Men franchise has seen so,e impressive highs (First Class, Days of Future Past) and some astounding lows (Last Stand, Apocalypse).  Hopefully, the upcoming Dark Phoenix will be another high.  Based on one of the comic’s best known storylines, Dark Phoenix would seem to have all the ingredients for success with the only question mark being first time director Simon Kinberg.  Dark Phoenix will be released on February 14th.

Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly are together again as Holmes & Watson.  Holmes & Watson will be released on November 9th, just in time to help you laugh away your Election Day blues.

Everyone’s favorite transformer gets a brand new trailer for his upcoming solo project, Bumblebee.  Bumblebee will be released this Christmas.

For those who have still not gotten over the conclusion of the Harry Potter films, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald will be coming for your money on November 16th.

Finally, we have the trailer for Peter Jackson’s upcoming documentary, They Shall Not Grow Old.  Jackson has taken footage that was actually shot during World War I, colorized it, and added sound, in order to let modern audiences experience, for themselves, the infamous War to End All Wars.  They Shall Not Grow Old will be released on October 16th in the UK.

Music Video of the Day: Michael Caine by Madness (1984, directed by ????)

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From the minute that I read Lisa Marie’s review of The Island two weeks ago, I knew that I wanted to highlight this video from Madness.

As you can tell from the title, the song is a tribute to Michael Caine and his status as a British cultural icon.  The video is based on The IPCRESS File, the best known of the five films in which Caine played Harry Palmer.  Harry was the working class equivalent of James Bond.  Bond was a glamorous bachelor who slept with beautiful women and traveled the world.  Harry, on the other hand, lived alone in a shabby flat, wore glasses, and never got paid what he deserved.

That actually is Michael Caine repeating his name for the song’s hook.  When the band first approached him, Caine turned them down because he had never heard of them.  Only after his daughter told him how popular Madness was did Caine change his mind.  The sample of Caine repeating his own name was meant as a tribute to a scene in The IPCRESS File, in which Harry Palmer resisted a brainwashing attempt by repeating his own name.

Michael Caine spent 8 weeks on the British charts, peaking at number 11.