Author Archives: Jedadiah Leland

Faust Goes Metal: Shock ‘Em Dead (1991, directed by Mark Freed)

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Spastic Colon, an up-and-coming metal band, desperately needs a new guitarist, so much so that they allow a nerdy pizza boy named Martin (Stephen Quadros) to come in off the street and audition.  Martin, with his thick glasses and his total lack of talent, blows the audition and is told to leave and never return.  Not only does Martin lose his chance to be a rock star but he also loses his job when his boss (Aldo Ray) fires him for leaving work to audition.  While wandering around dejected, Martin runs into the local voodoo priestess (Tyger Sodipe), who offers to make him a rock star in exchange for his soul.

Martin agrees and after a ceremony involving a double neck guitar, Martin wakes up to discover that he is now an extremely talented guitarist who lives in a gigantic mansion with three outrageously hot groupies.  Martin now has big, heavy metal hair and no longer needs to wear his glasses.  Renaming himself Angel Martin, he not only becomes Spastic Colon’s new guitarist but he also pulls the band’s manager (Traci Lords) away from her boyfriend.  The only problem is that Martin cannot eat normal food and has to regularly feast on the souls of his groupies in order to stay alive.

Shock “Em Dead is the 1000th retelling of the old Faust legend, about the man who gets everything that he desires but loses his soul in the process.  A real product of its time, it’s impossible to watch Shock “Em Dead without thinking about how Martin sold his soul to become the type of musician that, in just a few months, would be made obsolete by Kurt Cobain and Nirvana.  I have fond memories of Shock “Em Dead because it always used to air on HBO back when I was growing up but, for the most part, this is a really crummy movie, with a bad script, bad acting, and bad special effects.  Shock “Em Dead does prove that Traci Lords had enough talent that, if not for her background as an underage porn star, she probably could have had a mainstream film career.  The film also provided small roles for Aldo Ray and Troy Donahue while the legendary Michael Angelo Batio served as Angel’s “guitar double.”

Weekly Trailer Round-Up: Aquaman, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, The Mule, Vice, On The Basis of Sex, Mortal Engines

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

Last week the internet was abuzz after the release of an extended, five-minute trailer for Aquaman.  That trailer kicks off this week’s trailer round-up.  Aquaman will be released on December 21st.

Coming out the week before Aquaman, the animated Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse will provide a new look at everyone’s favorite webslinger and will help us all emotionally recover from the end of Avengers: Infinity War.  Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is in theaters on December 14th.

Clint Eastwood is a machine.  At an age when most people are retired, Eastwood is still cranking out movies and winning awards.  The Mule is based on the true story of the world’s oldest drug runner.  Eastwood directed and, for the first time since Trouble With The Curve, stars.  The Mule will be released on December 14th.

In Vice, Christian Bale is transformed into former Vice President Dick Cheney.  This film was directed by Adam McKay so it’s portrayal of Cheney and George W. Bush (played by Sam Rockwell) will probably not be a positive one.  Vice will be released on December 25th and will answer the question: “Does anyone other than Adam McKay care about Dick Cheney anymore?”

Vice will be getting some competition on Christmas from another politically charged biopic.  On the Basis of Sex stars Felicity Jones as Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Finally, if you’d rather escape the real world in December, Mortal Engines will be released on December 14th.

Music Video of the Day: Shame by Stabbing Westward (1996, directed by Paul Cunningham)

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“Who was the girl in Stabbing Westward’s video for Shame?”

For those of us who grew up in the 90s, that is question that we’ve been asking ourselves for 22 years.  Who played Julie, the leggy brunette who found herself threatened by her ex-boyfriend while the band ate popcorn and watched from the couch?

It only took me a minute of research to discover that Nick was played by an actor named Clint Curtis.  If he seems familiar, you may have seen him in movies like Deep Rising, The Mexican, or Splatter: Love, Honor, and Paintball.  But no one seems to know who played Julie, though a lot of people still wonder.  I’ve seen speculation that she was a model or maybe she was dating a member of the band.  On one message board, someone even thought that she may have been played by the actress, Alana Urbach.  (She’s wasn’t.)

Even if we don’t know who played Julie, Shame is a smart video from an underrated band.  It was directed by Paul Cunningham, who is probably best known for directing the video for Radiohead’s High & Dry.

Rock and Roll Creation: Zombie Nightmare (1986, directed by Jack Bravman)

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When muscle-bound teen baseball player Tony (Jon-Mikl Thor) does a good deed by stopping a grocery store robbery, he’s rewarded by getting run down by a bunch of stupid teenage joyriders.  Luckily, there’s a voodoo priestess in the neighborhood and, while she can’t revive Tony permanently, she can bring him back as a zombie so he can kill those who killed him.  Soon, Zombie Tony is killing all of the teens (including Tia Carrere) and Detective Tom Churchman (Adam West) is on the case.  Detective Churchman, however, has a previous connection to both the voodoo priestess and the murder of Tony’s father.

Zombie Nightmare is best known for later being shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000.  It was one of the best episodes of MST 3K but Zombie Nightmare is just as great even without commentary from Mike and the Bots.  This film features Jon-Mikl Thor, Adam West, Tia Carrere, zombies, and a heavy metal soundtrack that features Girlschool, Virgin Steel, Thor, and Motorhead!  What more do you need?  Jon-Mikl Thor is actually really convincing as the zombie and it’s always interesting to see Adam West play a role straight.  West even gets to be the bad guy here, and he does it without winking at the camera once.

Jon-Mikl Thor followed up Zombie Nightmare with the even better Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare.  He was also the subject of a recent and revealing documentary, I Am Thor, which should be required viewing for anyone who thinks they want to be a star.

Music Video of the Day: Bewitched by Candlemass (1988, directed by Jonas Akerlund)

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The lesson of this video is don’t try to bury Messiah Marcolin.

Marcolin was the lead singer of the Swedish doom metal band, Candlemass.  In this video, for their song Bewitched, Messiah Marcolin not only comes back to life and rises from his own coffin but he uses his powers of awesome singing to create an army of brainwashed zombies.  This would be scary, except for the fact that Messiah Marcolin spends most of the video looking like this:

And this.

He does somehow manage to entrance a cute girl about halfway through the video.

I guess that’s the power of Swedish doom metal.

This video, which has been called one of the most enjoyably bad metal video of all time, is significant for being the first video to have been directed by Jonas Akerlund.  From working with Candlemass, Akerlund has gone on to direct videos for everyone from U2 to Jane’s Addiction to Beyonce to The Rolling Stones to almost everyone else who has ever had a ht song.

As for Candlemass, they’ve disbanded and gotten back together a few times.  In January 2013, Candlemass was voted the greatest Swedish hard rock/metal band of all time by the writers of Sweden Rock Magazine.

Corey Feldman Goes To College: Voodoo (1995, directed by Rene Eram)

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Andy Chadway (Corey Feldman) is an aspiring writer who is attending college in the UK.  When he meets Rebecca (Diane Nadeau), he is so smitten with her that he transfers to a school back in the States so that he can be near her.  Of course, Andy doesn’t bother to tell her ahead of time so, when he arrives at his new school, he’s shocked to discover that Rebecca doesn’t seem to be happy to see him and that, since she lives in a sorority house, he can’t stay with her.

Desperately needing a place to live, Andy checks out the local fraternities but he discovers that there’s only one frat that is willing to take him.  It’s the worst frat on campus, a collection of weirdos led by Cassian Marsh (Joel J. Edwards).  Andy joins anyway but soon discovers that the frat is actually a voodoo cult that is more interested in human sacrifice than raging keggers.

Corey Feldman made a huge number of strange movies in the 90s.  They were all released straight-to-video and almost all of them featured Feldman trying to get away from his teen idol image.  In Voodoo, Feldman battles zombies and voodoo priests and Corey Haim is nowhere to be seen.  Feldman is actually not bad in Voodoo.  He’s always been a better actor than he’s given credit for but he also brings so much personal baggage to every role that it’s impossible to see him as being anyone other than Corey Feldman.  That is definitely the case with Voodoo.

The premise of Voodoo is an interesting one and it had a lot of potential.  The film deserves credit for taking its plot seriously and there is one good sequence where Marsh uses mind control to destroy a rival fraternity.  However, Voodoo has too many scenes that seem like filler and it never fully explores its premise.

Keep an eye out, however, for Jack Nance.  One of the original members of David Lynch’s stock company, Nance played the title role in Eraserhead and also played Pete Martell on Twin Peaks.  Nance plays the father of a former member of the fraternity and he’s the one who warns Andy to be weary of Marsh.  Nance and Feldman previously co-starred in Meatballs 4 and Nance’s eccentric presence livens up their scenes in Voodoo.  This was one of Nance’s final roles before his untimely death in 1996.

Music Video of the Day: The Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen (1984, directed by ????)

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One of the seminal songs of the 1980s, The Killing Moon‘s biggest fan might just be the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen, Ian McCulloch.  In an interview with Uncut magazine, McCulloch said, “You don’t need to read The Bible, you can listen to ‘The Killing Moon‘ and get as much out of it. It’s the greatest song ever written.”

I would not go as far as to compare it to the Bible but this is a song and a video that epitomizes an era.  The atmospheric video, which mixes snow, abandoned roomed, mysterious figures, and flickering lights, is a riddle wrapped in an enigma and seems to be meant to viewed in October.

Years after it was released, The Killing Moon was discovered by a new generation of listeners when Richard Kelly used it in the opening scene of Donnie Darko.  As guitarist Will Sergeant explained it to The Guardian, “Years after it was a hit, we got an email saying this bloke wanted to use the song in a film, Donnie Darko, which we didn’t think would go anywhere, so accepted a one-off £3,000. Then when the director did the director’s cut he replaced ‘The Killing Moon’ with ‘Never Tear Us Apart‘ by INXS. Aren’t some people knobheads?”

Resist The Call: Cthulhu Mansion (1992, directed by Juan Piquer Simon)

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After murdering a drug dealer at an amusement park, Hawk (Brad Fisher) and his gang of teenage thugs take Chandu (Frank Finlay) and his daughter, Lisa (Marcia Layton), hostage.  As Hawk and company set up shop in Chandu’s mansion, Chandu warns them that they should leave before the mansion destroys them.  Chandu has been summoning the forces of darkness and now they’re living in his basement.  They already killed Chandu’s wife and now, they’re prepared to kill Hawk and the gang.

Hawk doesn’t believe a word that Chandu has to say.  Plus, Hawk’s younger brother has been shot in the leg so they have no choice but to spend at least one night in the mansion.  That turns out to be a big mistake.  Before the night ends, Hawk’s brother ends up possessed, a woman gets pulled into a refrigerator, Hawk’s second-in-command drowns in a shower full of blood, and the mansion’s just getting started!

A Spanish-American co-production, Cthulhu Mansion was directed by Juan Piquer Simon, who earned a cult following for directing movies like Pieces, Slugs, and the immortal Pod People.  Cthulhu Mansion never comes close to being as good as any of those films.  Legitimately great actor Frank Finlay hams it up as Chandu and gets to wear some headgear that makes him look like Carnac The Magnificent but everyone else in the movie is forgettable and, with the exception of the blood shower, none of the deaths show any of the creativity that Simon brought to Slugs.  Worst of all, Cthulhu doesn’t even make a cameo appearance.

While some may be tempted to watch because of the film’s appropriation of the Cthulhu name, resist the call of Cthulhu Mansion.  H.P. Lovecraft wouldn’t have even stepped foot inside this house.

Music Video of the Day: Rock and Roll All Nite By KISS (1975, directed by ????)

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Do you remember what people used to think KISS stood for?

Knights in Satan’s Service.  Preachers and community leaders were told and actually believed that the band was trying to put teenagers under the thrall of Satan.

Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.  Paul Stanley came up with KISS and it was never meant to be anything other than a cool name.  As Peter Criss explained it, “”It really means a lot. It’s the first thing you do to a chick or anybody. It could also be the kiss of death. It’s a strong word. It’s easy to remember.”

Still, the members of KISS didn’t hesitate to play up their dangerous image.  Gene Simmons may have been a self-described “nice Jewish boy from Long Island,” but when he was on stage, he became the blood-drinking Demon.  (When Marvel published a KISS comic book in 1977, the red ink was said to contain drops of the band’s blood.)

What’s funny to me about old school KISS is that they would come out on stage, made-up to look like hardcore demons and monsters.  Fires would burn as they performed.  Blood would pour out of Gene Simmons’s mouth.  KISS went out of their way to look evil but their music was so radio friendly that it could probably be played at a church retreat.  The idea that anyone believed that they were “knights in Satan’s service” seems ludicrous today.

Rock and Roll All Nite was written by Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.  Their goal in writing the song was to come up with an anthem for their fans and no one can deny that they succeeded.  This video was a promo video that was released, along with the song, in 1975.  Like most music videos that were produced in the pre-MTV days, the video keeps things simple and focuses on KISS performing in front of an enthusiastic crowd.

Decades later, a second video would be released for Rock and Roll All Nite.  However, that video features KISS without their makeup and that just feels wrong.

Stay Out Of The Woods: Ticks (1993, directed by Tony Randel)

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Don’t go in the wood alone, kids!  There are giant ticks out there that can attach themselves to you, lay their eggs under your skin, and then cause your face to explode when the eggs hatch!  It’s all because of the steroids that local farmer Jarvis Tanner (Clint Howard) has been using to enhance his marijuana crop.  The end result may be good weed but you will  be dead from a tick bite before you get to enjoy it.  That’s bad news for Jarvis, who keeps stepping in bear traps and who, at one point, has a dozen tick eggs drop on him.  It’s even worse news for the group of juvenile delinquents who have been sentenced to spend a weekend camping in the woods.

Mostly because the film featured the beautiful Ami Dolenz as one of the delinquents, Ticks used to be a mainstay on late night HBO.  It combines the basic features of a 50s monster movie with the gore-filled style of a 90s splatter film.  What Ticks may have lacked in originality, it made up for in scenes of people’s faces exploding.  Make no mistake about it.  This one is for splatter fans.

Ticks has an interesting cast.  If you have ever wanted to see Alfonso “Carlton” Ribiero play a gangbanger, this is the movie for you.  The nerdiest juvenile delinquent is played by Seth Green while TV regular Peter Scolari plays an idealistic social worker and Rance Howard (father of Ron and Clint) plays the local sheriff who loses his legs.  And finally, there’s Clint Howard, giving it his all in yet another straight-to-video horror film.  Clint suffers even more indignities than usual in Ticks but he never gives up hope.  Clint’s scenes were directed by the film’s executive producer, Brian Yuzna, and added after the first cut of the film was judged to be missing something.  That was a good decision on Yuzna’s part because Clint Howard is easily the best part of the film.

Today, the appeal of Ticks is mostly one of nostalgia.  This is the type of mind-warping stuff that we used to watch when we were growing up.  This is what we used to rent at Blockbuster while our parents were looking for the latest Oscar nominees.  This is what late night cable used to be all about.